There's a chance that I may be in the kitchen the entire summer.

I almost cried when I found out.

But, as I recalled the rest of the conversation with M, the head cook, I realized that God could use me just as powerfully in the kitchen as anywhere else.

Apparently, the Boss hires kids to work as counselors, then he takes a look at the lot he's hired and sticks some of them in the kitchen. So these kids come thinking that they'll be doing one thing, then they get the Surprise! that they'll be doing something they didn't want to do or sign up to do and were not told that they were going to be doing... as M says, it's not fair to the kids, and it's not fair to him, because then he ends up with a bunch of disgruntled employees who do half-hearted jobs so they can escape to break-time.

I'm less and less impressed with the Boss's methods of handling the camp. Could just be personal preference, but the whole waiting-till-the-last-minute-to-let-people-know-things routine is going to get pretty old, pretty quick. And, rather than hiring people to be kitchen staff, he just sticks random people in the kitchen? Mer.

Anyway, as I thought about the impending kitchen situation (while sending desperate pleas up to God, Don't put me in the kitchen this summer! Please! PLEASE!!), I realized that God has given me a natural influence and the ability to excite and motivate others. (At least, according to other people...) I could use those gifts in the kitchen this summer... if that's where I'm placed. I'm still kinda hoping that I won't be, even though it's getting better being in there- I'm not desperately fighting overwhelming urges to go home anymore. But if that's where I end up, I won't be as devastated as I might have been last week.

Oh, it'll be hard... but good, I guess. Having a day off really helped to recharge me, and I realized that it's not an all day every day thing. I get days off, and it's only an eight hour day. Three meal times. That's all.

It really helps when I just focus on one meal time at a time. I don't worry about the rest of the day. I focus on where I'm at, and getting through that particular block of time. It seems to be a good way to handle it.

And I like the people I work with, too. That helps. As more time passes, I'm able to joke around with them more and more.

So I'm not wildly pacing the perimeters of the camp... yet. We'll see what the summer brings. God knows best.

What is a mile, a span of distance?

On paper it means nothing--

insignificant millimeters on a map.

But when that mile multiplies a thousand-plus times,

it keeps me from your side,

and I wonder how I ever thought Alaska wasn't very far from here.

What is an hour? Sixty minutes is all,

a drop in the bucket of a day well-spent.

Elastic, shape-shifting increment of time--

one rushing by, late for a date with Destiny,

another casually wandering through, enjoying the sights,

yet another digging claws painfully deep,
afraid of its fate and refusing to budge.

The last one knows me well-- it sits on my lap and

breathes down my neck as we wait, together, for your call.

What is a hand? They are all around me,

shapes, sizes, colors-- all varying.

They bend, they grasp, they close, they open,

they work and rest and bear the brunt of our intentions...

They also unite, heart to heart. They calm and comfort.

I look at my hands, and I think of your hands,

and I wonder how they would look together?

This week has been hard... Hard, but good.

They seem mutually exclusive, but I think that the difficulty enhances the goodness. (When, of course, I can see it!)

I am so grateful for friends who lift me up when I cannot stand on my own any longer.

I almost went home... again. (This seems to be a pattern of mine... When things get difficult, I want to pack up and leave... and I come so close, but something inside me tells me, "This is not the way you want to leave. This is not how things should end. Try a little longer, and see what happens.")

Only eight more days until I'm done with this part of my job. I thought that keeping a running tally of days left would help encourage me to keep going, but I found that I only got overwhelmed by the thought of  eight more days of this... so I started telling myself, and God, "I can make it through this meal time. I can do that. That's all I can do right now, but I can do that much. I can last until this meal time is over." Eventually, enough meal times will pass, and I'll be done.

It's not so much the work that bothers me, it's the monotony. At first, it was apprehension because I didn't know what I was doing. That lasted about two days. The third day, I actually enjoyed myself. The fourth day, Friday, I was desperate to go home, desperate to escape the monotonous cycle that had become my life.

6 am- Wake, have Time with God

7:30- Report to kitchen

10- Cook my breakfast, eat, do something with remaining time (short nap?)

11:00/11:15- Report to kitchen

2- Cook lunch, eat, shower, read/nap/blog/play guitar

4:30- Report to kitchen

7- Cook supper, eat, phone calls/blog

9/9:30- Bed

I like routine, but not monotony. (My schedule in ID was good- a weekly routine, but each day was a different thing.) D phrased it interestingly- he said he likes the good kind of monotony, but not the bad kind. Good vs bad? I asked him to elaborate, and he said the good monotony is comfortable, whereas the bad monotony is, well, not. Like stability vs. mind-numbing boredom, I guess.

Today, however, is my day off, and I've enjoyed it. I'm coming down with a respiratory infection, so the rest has been good. I need to drink more water, and get ahold of some vitamin C powder somehow.

With a few minutes before suppertime, I think I'm going to call the family.

J called last night, so I got to talk to her and the family. It was so nice! I miss them... not overwhelmingly, like at times... just a general ache... like a toothache, but bigger.

We ended up talking about D (of course! I need someone that I can laugh and giggle with about it!), and I admitted something to her that I haven't been able to bring myself to say out loud yet. (Of course, then the whole family perked up- "What? Something important and secretive? Tell us!" and I had to repeat it so they could hear LOL)

Basically, I told her that I think I'm falling in love with the guy, and it scares the living daylights out of me. Why? Well, several contributing factors, I think...

1. It's only been a little over a month! I mean, I liked him before we started dating and all, but are you even allowed to think about this kind of thing so soon?! So that scares me... that I have these feelings for him, so soon... (and I know it's not just a physical attraction lol. As I'm getting to know him through our conversations, I'm just more and more... impressed with who he is, and how he thinks. I really admire him in a lot of ways... but it also makes me nervous that I haven't seen any negative character traits in him. Am I romanticizing, or airbrushing, or justifying, or is he really just that great?)

2. I'm afraid to love someone again, because last time I did, it was incredibly painful and difficult to part ways. I'm not certain of the future in any way, shape, or form, and if D isn't the one that I'm to marry, then I don't want these feelings to be here, because it will be painful to part if God asks us to. Granted, we don't have anywhere near the level of intimacy that C and I had, but it will still hurt.

3. What if it isn't mutual? I know that hurting me would be the last thing on earth that he would do intentionally, but what if he decides that this just isn't going to work for him? Then I'm left out in the cold with these dumb feelings!

4. He's not what I envisioned myself falling for. He has this history, and he's older, and he's not a colporteur or part of that culture AT ALL... He's not what I expected. (I feel like I must always "defend" him when people ask about him.
"So, tell me about this guy! How old is he?" That's almost always the first question. WHY?!
"Oh, he's in his thirties..." But only for one more year! lol
"Oh, really? So he's older, huh? Well, has he been married before or anything?"
"Actually, yes."
"...Oh. ...Really?"

And so on, so forth. Maybe I feel threatened? I don't know. But I hate that sense of surprised consternation that emanates from people when they find out these facts. I just want to straight out say, "Look, he's more than his age and his past. I made mistakes, too. I'm not holding his against him, and he's not holding mine against me, and God's forgiven us both. Can we please move past this?" Maybe I should.

I think it's because I want people's approval. I want them to be happy for me, and they kind of aren't. If he were my age, they would! But because he's older and has a sketchy past, they have these reservations, which, by the way, are totally understandable and legit.

This is the longest side note ever.)

And he's not what I expected. He surprises me in a lot of ways. I would never have pegged him for the "people person" that he is. I never would have thought he was so tender and thoughtful. However, he is every bit as rugged and resilient as I thought he was, and then some.

None of this is what I expected. I was terrified entering this relationship, to be sure... but I went into it with this unconscious set of expectations. I didn't expect him to be so encouraging and uplifting. I've always been the one that's done that in the past... GM was encouraging, but in a stronger, different way. I don't feel like I'm being "fixed" with D. I didn't expect him to care about my thoughts and feelings as much- as in, liking to hear me talk about my day and my reactions to it, or my opinions on matters. I didn't expect him to, well, kinda cherish me... I don't know if that's the right word, but that's the sense I get. I didn't expect him to enjoy my personality.

I didn't expect to enjoy and look forward to our conversations this much. I didn't expect him to be concerned when I'm not feeling well, and to be okay with my food and health limitations. I didn't expect to laugh together this much. I didn't expect to miss him this much. I didn't expect to have so much in common... I thought we would be so strikingly different... and we are, in ways. But we're so similar in a lot of funny, little ways, in addition to bigger, more important ways.

I didn't expect him to believe in me and my potential. I didn't expect that I would grow to respect him this much. I didn't expect that I would have to hold myself back from saying so many things that I would like to, for the sake of both our hearts... for the sake of the relationship. I didn't expect that he would look forward to communicating with my family.

I didn't expect that I would feel this way... especially so soon. My internal panic alarms are going off... Mayday! Mayday!

I don't trust myself to love him, if that makes sense. It's not that I'm not capable of love, because I love the S's, and I love my family, and I love H (both of them!), and I love... lots of people. That's why I so long to be back home. But those loves don't require me to weigh whether or not it's wise. I'm supposed to love them! But with D... I don't trust myself to love him unselfishly. I don't trust myself to figure out what's really love and what's just infatuation. I'm scared of that, too. I'm afraid that it's just infatuation and I'm not really falling in love with him. I'm afraid that I'll be completely twitterpated, run off and marry him, and then wake up one day to realize it was a mistake. That's what I'm afraid of, really. Because falling in love precedes marriage, and what if we shouldn't be married? What if it's a mistake?

Ahhhh! I'm so glad he can't see all this. If only he knew what he was doing to my braiiiiin!

Anyway... I think he might call tonight. That'd be grand.
(That's another thing I didn't expect- for us to develop these little traditions, such as him being the one that calls me. Always. With very few exceptions.)

Finally! Time to sit down and process through the last couple of days!

Monday, I arrived at the camp, and was immediately put to work in the cafeteria. After supper was over and the kitchen cleaned, then I headed over to my "new" house to move in... but I was waylaid for about half an hour by my friendly neighbor, J, who also happens to be my half-boss.

There is a reason why I'm here before summer camp starts... The story is that there was this guy who worked here at the camp- nice kid. Totally normal. (That's what they always say!) Then, one day, he apparently snapped, shot and killed one of the housekeepers, and was going to kill all the rest of the staff. However, he must have come to his senses, because he turned himself in. After this story got out, camp attendance dropped... drastically. (Uh, yeah!) So, this year, the Boss decided that he needed someone to go around to the different elementary schools and pump up the camp, get the kids excited! That's where I enter the story.

I'm basically here because some guy freaked out and killed someone else here on camp grounds. But here's the best part... My little apartment they gave me to stay in? Yeah, it was the killer's house. D laughed so hard when I told him... he said it was "haunted" (jokingly, of course).

But no one had really even stepped foot in here for about a year and a half, since the guy's parents came to collect his stuff. So it was pretty dirty... and strewn with the carcasses of bugs... and the evidences of mice. So, in between work times yesterday, I scrubbed and swept and vacuumed and aired out the place (which means I essentially worked a twelve hour day yesterday- no wonder it was so hard for me to get up this morning!!)

D called last night, and I was thrilled to hear from him. I had been hoping he'd call. It was a bright hope to look forward to... and it got me through the day. (Odds are he won't call tonight, though. Drat.)

See, the thing is... I don't like working in the kitchen. But, this is where they need me the most, so I'll do it... and God is using it to teach me cheerfulness and thankfulness in spite of circumstances. It's been good, but challenging... and I can't wait for each day to be done.

I made a mistake today in the time I was supposed to come in for lunch prep, so I was fifteen minutes late. Gaaah... Kill me. I hate making mistakes! So I did the dishes as penance. I think I'm the only one who thought of it that way, though :)

I've realized that my being in the kitchen is a witnessing opportunity. It's kind of weird, because I never thought of it that way, until I actually found myself there, but my interactions with the people we feed really can influence their conception of Christians in general, and Adventists in particular. I get the chance to serve them, and to show them Jesus. That applies to my fellow staff, too... so I've been really praying about maintaining cheerfulness.

The funny thing is, the group here now is a rather conservative group (and vegan, which irks the kitchen staff somewhat)... the culture is much the same as SOULS. However, the staff here don't know I'm from that culture, so I get to hear exactly what they think about it without there being any walls of caution there. And, interestingly, the group doesn't realize that I'm "one of them". They think I'm just another staff member. It's like I'm caught between two worlds, but I don't belong to either one any more. I've got an interesting perspective, that's for sure...

One guy, though, pegged me as a SOULSer. He stopped me in the lobby. "You're from SOULS West, aren't you?"

Yes, I am. How did you know?

"I saw you speak at Faith Camp last year."

Oh, really? Yeah, I gave that talk on Ezekiel 28.

"That's right. So you're working here this summer? Good for you!"

It was funny. But it was also sobering, because I realized... people are watching me. So, although I don't really care for the work that I'm doing, I'll do it with a smile... because that's what I want people to see about God- that he's enjoyable.

D helped to encourage me last night. I shared my thoughts about cheerfulness and thankfulness, and what I'm learning, and how I'm choosing to view this thing as one big adventure... but then I also shared my honest opinions. Hehe... they're not necessarily the best. I'm not super impressed. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure I'd work here again. Regardless, I'm here now.

I so appreciate how D can help me to see the positive when I'm overwhelmed with homesickness or fighting discouragement and disillusionment. Because, really, seeing the positive is what's going to get me through this... adventure. If I focus on any or all of the negative things, I will easily be overwhelmed and swept away.

It's pretty obvious that we both desire to be in the same place. I haven't seen him since before I left, which would be two months and some change... and it's going to be many more months till we see each other again. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad for the way things are, and I appreciate what we have, a lot. But I do long to be near him, to see him, and to do stuff together. He said he'll cook me some fish :) But, as Jim Elliot said, "Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."

Maybe it will be easier when the summer gets going, and I'm distracted by all the kids. (And only able to have my phone once a week.) He's going to send me letters, though. I'm so excited! I love letters :)

I miss my family, too. When I'm in the kitchen snapping peas or chopping yams, I smile to think that I'll be doing that for the family soon. The summer will fly, I'm sure... but I can't wait to go home. (It's been two months already... *sigh*)

I made it safely to the camp.

Upon arrival (which took two less hours than previously thought- surprise!!), I popped into the cafeteria to see what I could to to help... and left three hours later.

Tired... One thing I don't particularly mind is cooking. As a matter of fact, I rather like it. One thing I don't particularly like is cleaning up after cooking. As a matter of fact, I'd rather avoid it.

Oh, well. I guess that's what happens when you're assigned to the cafeteria. I'll be doing a lot of both!

Anyway, after work, I had a nice long chat with my partial supervisor. He'll be my boss when I work grounds/maintenance. Apparently, I'll be doing a lot of leaf-raking.

After our nice long chat, I finally began hauling things into my temporary little apartment, and... oh, my.

Bugs, bugs, everywhere (dead bugs, thankfully)... and mouse turds. Mouse turds in the bed sheets, which haven't been washed since who knows when (but I have no choice but to sleep in that bed, at least for tonight). It's cold. Quite cold. I can actually see my breath outside... and my heater doesn't work. Oh, but at least I have hot water! ...But only in the bathroom, which doesn't actually have a working light... which means no shower for me tomorrow! Cold water and I do not agree.

Oh, yeah, and my laundry detergent leaked inside one of my suitcases... but my clothes smell great now! (It only got a couple of things.)

What a day! And how I miss H's cozy little apartment already... or, better yet, my snug little room at home, with my kitty purring my ear off. Ahhh... home... That's what I'll be thinking about as I drift off tonight. Oh, yes... and I have to report to work at 7:30.

Gross.

Yay, life!! I'm so happy to be living it, challenges and all. (Plus, really, I have it WAY better than a ton of people on this planet right now. Yeah. Seriously.)

Off I go, into the wild blue yonder...

I'm heading up to Camp today. Pretty much everything is packed- all that's left is to pack up my trusty car.

This summer... I want it to be... good? Yes, good, but more than that... impacting. I want lives to be changed.

I get overwhelmed when I think about all the needs to be met... all the people that I'm supposed to witness to... and it's scary, because when I think about sharing "the blessed hope", I wonder... how can I share what's so shaky within me in the first place? I mean... I struggle so much with just the basics... I was a Bible worker, and I can't even give a basic Bible study on salvation. That's bad, huh? Like, if someone were to ask me, "What does the Bible say about salvation?" I could not guide them to the correct verses.

I could, however, tell them what God's done for me... but then again, I'm not the inspired word of God, so how much weight does that carry?

I guess I'm just discouraged/encouraged... because in my Talk with God this morning, I read Psalm 105, which said to me, basically, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT GOD'S GOING TO DO! He does the most unlikely things- seriously. In addition, all those big events swirling around the Israelites... God was in control of them, the whole time. If he didn't actively cause something, he allowed it.

How can I fear about the state of the world around me? Do I think that God is too small to notice, too weak to handle it?

The cool thing was, verses 1-5 are a capsule of how to "live Christian", if you know what I mean. Basically, this is what walking with God is all about. It's pretty cool! And, it is a big relief, because I think, "Whew! This is not as intimidating as I had thought... this might actually be possible in my life! Yippee!"

Anyway... I wonder if the kids' parents know that one of their *potential* counselors is this... I don't know... what's the word... immature? I guess I just feel that, since I went to a Bible College, I should be past this.

However, voices in my head, I will inform you that this struggling and hashing things out is the building blocks for a solid future, thankyouverymuch. So get out.

I've got to go pack now.

(Okay, one quick side note... super hilarious... when I was talking to D last night, I mentioned that I had "found the best thing in North America!" He immediately responded, "Oh, you mean me!" LOL! I managed to choke out a reply in the midst of my shock... something to the effect of, "Pssht, what-ever! I meant a radio station." It was funny, though. He's quick, that one.

And, just now, he sent me a promised picture of the mountain across the river from him... with the caption, "Good morning, beautiful". Eep! I'm not even going to respond to that one. I'll pretend I never saw it. What in the world would I say to something like that, anyway??)