I'm so stressed, you guys. I have prescriptions I need to pick up tomorrow, but I can't afford the $15 to get them. I have a massage scheduled for tomorrow as well, which is one of the only things keeping me able to still walk right now, but there's no way in hell I can afford that. I could get my scripts, but then I wouldn't be able to pay my phone bill… and somehow I still have to make it to Phoenix twice and LA once this coming month for important doctor's appointments. Oh yeah, and the pharmacy in LA I got my pain meds filled at shorted me (and some other patients), and I've been trying to get it straightened out since Monday, but I'm running out today and I'm afraid I'm going to end up back in the hospital again… Damnit. I just don't know what to do. What can I possibly do that I'm not already doing? 

The worst thing is how unfair this is to Drogo. He has always worked hard, saved as much as he can, been responsible with his money, and the present is no exception. He just can't seem to catch a break, though. When it seems we're about to come even and he might be able to get a handle on his bills again and even sock away a hundred or two dollars, something breaks or is more expensive than anticipated, or some new bill crops up. Without fail. He is such a trooper, but how long can he last under such a strain? The poor man feels like a failure, but he is one of the most valiant men I know. How unfair is that? And it kills me that I am the source of this pain and stress. I hate it. I hate myself sometimes for being the instigator of bills that I am.

It's no wonder Drogo and I are having relationship problems from stress. We're both freaking the fuck out, trying to figure out how to just SURVIVE. I hate this. I hate this so much. Being sick is stupid. I have to believe that it will work out somehow, someway… but I really do not see it happening at this point, and it terrifies me.

I've done what I can-- created the fund raiser, sent links/pleas to every single person on my Facebook friend list, even sent the link and an appeal to some pages and businesses that I know… asking them to at least repost the link so that someone, somewhere might see it and have pity on us. I'm working on the inventory and production for my craft booth I've got planned for this winter. I haven't even put any money into supplies-- I'm just using what I've accumulated over the years. I applied for disability and we're just waiting, waiting, waiting… what else can I do? Seriously, what else can I do???

I'm stressed, scared, sick, and generally distraught… but I still have to believe that it will work out. We're doing the best we can. Life rewards that, right? Hard work, sacrifice, integrity… those all pay off in the end, yeah? I hope so. I genuinely, sincerely hope so. 

Well, it's all been a nonstop fit of giggles over here, I can tell you that.

Oh, wait, what's that? Sarcasm? Yep. You caught me.

Not much happening in my life. I guess that's what happens when you're disabled… it just gets kinda boring after a while.

Oh, wait! There is one thing. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I made the decision to become re-involved with The Healing Journey now that I know it's "just fibro" and not going away and probably not getting better anytime soon. (That reminds me-- I need to recap about the profitable pain doc appointment that I'm actually happy about. I know, shocker right? A doctor's appointment that went well? I'm at a loss for words too.) I told Star that if she can give me a ride on Wednesdays I want to attend the teen girls' peer support group. I did warn her that I am not reliable or dependable by any stretch of the imagination, so don't count on me, but I want to go even if I feel terrible which I likely will. I'll just feel terrible there instead of at home. I miss being involved in something altruistic, something outside of myself. I miss giving back, giving of myself… I miss being useful.

On that note, I put my talents to good use and whipped up a flyer for the Child Abuse Prevention Fair that's coming up. Someone else had put together a flyer before I got my hands on the info, and I'll show you that one too just so you can see how the HJ is faring without my particular skill set…

A distinct difference, I should say. I'm proud, and rightfully so. Nothing wrong with being proud of a job well done.

Anyway, the sun is coming up and I'm going to try to drift off to sleep again. I managed an hour's worth of sleep earlier before I woke myself crying out from pain, but I got many hours of sleep throughout the previous day so it's not so bad. It was "one of those days", a particularly rough one for symptoms and pain, but I was fortunate enough to be able to sleep through much of it. Besides, it's not like I have anything pressing going on later anyway.

Oh, I almost forgot-- it's Drogo's birthday! He's 28 now, practically ancient. It is strange to think that, by all rights, we are both still so young and yet… this is the oldest either of us have ever been. Hmm.

There are some days when it's hard to be totally cheerful. I mean, there are some days where I'm just a little melancholy. It could be any number of things; perhaps I'm not feeling particularly well one day, or maybe I heard/read/saw something that triggered a sense of loss, or maybe it's that the moon is in the house of Mercury in retrograde or whatever. The fact remains that sometimes that melancholy is just… there. Today is kinda one of those days.

I've not been feeling really well since I had those three days of hell without my pain meds. Did I mention how god-awful sick I was? I really don't think you can comprehend it unless you've experienced it. I couldn't, and I feel uber sick all the time. It was that bad. Like, I never want to experience that again upon pain of death bad. The only thing that kept me going was having a "deadline" to look forward to as to when I could refill my meds. If I had to do that indefinitely… nope. Just nope. I'm not even going there in my thoughts.

Anyway, December was a hard month for me. There was the travel, cold, and stress that came with visiting my family. That was already difficult for me, and then there were two trips to the big city for doctor stuff which was also hard on me. Then at the end of the month came my three days of hell, preceded by a sinus infection which I still haven't managed to fully kill. (Here's hoping the antibiotics work!) It was just rough, physically, and I'm not recuperated yet. I'm exhausted and most of the time I don't know "why". Is there a reason, or is this just my new level of normal? It's hard to tell.

Okay, so I'm feeling crappy and tired and I've got this sinus headache that won't go away and I'm nauseous all the time and my stomach hurts badly whenever I eat something ever since the three days and I'm not really digesting things right right now, and I'm more achy and tender than usual, and… I just generally feel run down. Imagine that you've had a really bad case of influenza and a stomach virus for the past year and a half straight, with periods of getting other sicknesses on top of that. Congrats. You're in my life.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a downer. I just see everyone around me with their resolutions for the new year, and they're exercising and eating food and getting healthy, and I'm… getting worse. Still. Guys, it kinda makes me want to cry.

I know my life is amazing. I know it. My husband is the most awesome of awesome things to ever be awesome, truly. I have fantastic friends. I have good health care. I have a family that loves and supports me, even if they don't all understand what I'm going through. Our bills are paid. We have the disposable income to be able to go to the movies once in a while, which we did yesterday. We have the money to support pets, and I love my kitties. Life is good, y'all. It's just hard to enjoy it sometimes when you feel so crappy and you're so uncertain about yourself and the future. I know my future with my husband is steady. (Did I mention that we're almost to our first wedding anniversary? I'm so stoked.) But my future with myself is still so up in the air and I hate that. I want to know, dammit! What is wrong with my body? What is the malfunction, and what can we do to correct it? I just want to know!

Did I mention that I had to step back from the HJ? I asked for a year's leave of absence to get better. I believe it. I feel it. This is my year. It's gotta be. I can't afford to get any sicker. What will I have left? I will still be running the teen girl's support group. That much I can and want to do. But the HJ, helping people, that's my heart and soul, man. To have to give that up is killing me. The HJ is exploding. We're getting big, we're getting funded, we're getting really professional and helping a ton of people. Positions are opening up that I am perfect for, and I want to jump in there and do it so much… but I have to sit on the sidelines and watch E scramble to find people that are half as reliable and trustworthy as I am. I have to watch her get let down time and time again because people are flakes, and I can't step in to pick up the slack. I am so helpless. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. It eats at me.

It's like I finally found my passion and my purpose in life, and now I'm forbidden to live it out. It's like being a dancer and succumbing to a slow paralysis. I just… I grieve for my losses, as surely as I grieve the loss of a loved one. Who died, you ask? The Cassandra that was, the Cassandra that could be and could have been… she's slowly but surely faded away into nothing but a faded memory, the echo of half-remembered song lyrics and the wisp of a scent long passed.

I watched What To Expect When You're Expecting again today. It's a cute movie, and I like it. However, it brings things up for me, as so many things do these days. I took a pregnancy test at the doctor's the other day so I could get a renewed prescription for birth control, and the nurse that took my urine sample asked me if I had kids and if I wanted kids in the future. I just smiled and said yes, but my heart started crying because not only did I have babies and I lost them, I don't know if I'll ever be able to create a family in that way and it kills me. I want to be a mom. Oh, I want to be a mom. (This coming from the girl who swore she'd never marry and have a family! But that was just protection to keep myself from getting hurt again.) First of all, I am unsure if I can even carry a child to term even if I were healthy. Secondly, there is no way that I could see a pregnancy through to the end at this point, or even care for the child afterward. As bad as I am right now while on meds, I would have to stop taking all of my medicines while pregnant for fear of damaging the fetus. That's not a viable option at this point. C and I have actually discussed this situation and what we would do if the birth control fails and I find myself pregnant. Both of us agree that we really would have no option but to terminate the pregnancy. Even thinking about that just destroys me, because I want to be a mom… Voluntarily giving up the life growing within me seems so counterintuitive. But it is what I would have to do. I hope and pray that I do not get pregnant until we resolve my health issues. I seriously, seriously do. Fortunately or unfortunately as the case may be, the women of my family are super fertile. (Did you know that I am the result of a drunken one night stand in a meadow? Parties, liquor, and ex-boyfriends just don't make a good mixture apparently. But hey, I'm not complaining. I'm rather glad to be here, actually!)

So, here I am. A happy little mix of weird feelings and positivity and optimism and fatalism and bleak uncertainty and maybe a few bad jokes just for good measure.

Oh, guess what? The last doc to prescribe my pain meds changed the frequency, so now I can take one every four hours instead of making myself wait six hours. It's actually quite an improvement, and although the meds aren't as effective as I'd like them to be (I'm never not in some level of pain, but it's the difference between bearable and unbearable.), it's making a big difference in the level and duration of the spikes of really intense pain. I'm quite happy about that! I still don't like that I'm so reliant upon opiate pain killers for even basic functioning, but I'll shoot a rubber band in the eye of anyone who suggests that I can go without them. The three days proved the folly of that hypothesis quite clearly. I can't wait until I no longer have to slowly destroy my organs to maintain my sanity. This is my year, guys. It's coming. I'm gonna get better. Just you wait and see! Until then… naps. Lots and lots of naps.

(Oh, quick funny story! At M's bday party last night a girl that I'd just met or maybe had met in the past said to me in passing, "You're looking really healthy these days!" I smiled and thanked her politely, of course, but inside I was both incredulous and laughing bitterly and hysterically. It's funny how well I do look, though, to be honest. I mean, I've gained weight but I'm still quite attractive, and there's really no outward indication of my health struggles except for the walker that I use when I'm out and about. I am both grateful and resentful of that. Hard to explain. But I've learned to simply accept the compliments with good graces. No one likes to have their compliments rebutted, no matter the reason.)

Ok, actually, this has nothing to do with sex. Or rock'n'roll. Just drugs.

First of all, funny story... I accidentally got drunk last night. I mean, I intended to get buzzed or something, but I didn't mean to get drunk. It's not like I was hanging out on my couch and all of a sudden I'm reeling.

Here's what happened: I worked today and yesterday at the "front desk" of a gun show here in town. It's more or less sit-down work, but it requires a lot of talking, and there is walking and moving and pointing involved. It gave me a sharp reminder as to why I'm no longer actively in the work force. I feel pretty messed up, and the first day was very, very painful. Here I am trying to stretch out my pain meds and I'm in excruciating pain and needing to function like a normal human. Read: impossible. So when I got home I decided to do a little drinking to try and iron out some of the pain wrinkles. Unfortunately (or fortunately, as you look at it), I'm a total rookie when it comes to alcohol. I mean, I've never been drunk before. Never.

I drank three full glasses of rum and cranberry juice with maybe a little more rum than I should have used, and I drank them fast. In a little while, I started feeling pretty good. Warm, fuzzy, numb face and limbs... I was probably hurting still, but I didn't care anymore. It was a little hard to balance and stuff, but not bad. I've had worse when I was dealing with dizziness from the Cymbalta. But then... it kept going. And got stronger. And stronger. The lag is what got me-- I had felt fine, so I kept drinking. Not much longer after feeling "better", I began throwing up and wasn't able to stop for probably an hour. That was NOT fun.

Verdict: being drunk sucks. Well, okay, being throw-up-drunk sucks. I liked the warm fuzzy feeling, but I'm afraid that I can't achieve that without accidentally going too far. In addition to that, my body has definitely made it clear that alcohol is too hard on my already taxed system, and I shouldn't be messing around with it. (I'm not supposed to be ingesting alcohol with the meds I'm on anyway, so that's no great loss. Just another pain relief method that's lost to me. Alas.)

I drank a couple of cups of mint tea to settle my tummy, drank a ton of water, and fell asleep. I felt bad when I woke up so I had a nice long sit in a hot shower followed by a bowl of plain oatmeal and a mug of chamomile tea in addition to more water. Then I went back to bed so I could get up bright and early for work today. I fully expected to be completely destroyed today, but to my utter surprise I ended up hurting much less than the day before. My theory that I concocted with a friend is that I did indeed have a hangover, but it was so much less severe than my usual symptoms that it seemed like a decrease in sickness. Apparently my ability to avoid a hangover is a superpower, according to the same friend. Funny.

Okay, now for the real drug part. I've been having this ongoing war with C's uncle on Facebook about how he thinks I should smoke marijuana and all of my reasons as to why that's a bad idea and I'm not going to do it. He keeps bringing it up, over and over and freaking over again, even after I went on his wall and literally said, "Please stop telling me to do pot." Well, he didn't. So when I was drunk I hopped on fb to message some of my close friends about my mistake and how awful I was feeling. I also popped out a status update, and the following comment war ensued. I find it hilarious, epic, and also pathetic. It ended with my unfriending and blocking this uncle of C's, because I realized (through the efforts of my friend) that I don't have to put up with that crap.

I now give you the Do U Smoke? comment war.

Cassandra I accidentally did a bad thing and now there are repercussions that I am not fond of. Hergablergh.

Yesterday at 6:45pm

R that could mean a lot of things.
Yesterday at 6:46pm · Like

Cassandra Yup. Purposefully ambiguous. That way I won't be judged. This is, after all, a public forum.
Yesterday at 6:46pm · Like · 2
R I highly doubt I would judge you, but its possible.
Yesterday at 6:47pm · Like
Cassandra lol No, probably not you... but others, definitely.
Yesterday at 6:47pm · Like

R I once ate some Chinese food that made me sick and then I went back for seconds...just kidding, that was my husband.
Yesterday at 6:48pm · Like

C Hah! Really? That's terrible... he must have felt awful.
Yesterday at 6:48pm · Like

R he could have killed himself!
Yesterday at 6:49pm · Like

R One time I didn't write something down and then I forgot what it was. Ok, lots of times.
Yesterday at 6:50pm · Like

Cassandra Yeah, that's pretty much the story of my life!
Yesterday at 6:50pm · Like

M You are absolved!
Yesterday at 6:51pm · Like · 1
Cassandra Gaaaah, if only it worked like that!
Yesterday at 6:51pm · Like · 1
B another way of saying u smoke
Yesterday at 6:57pm · Like

Cassandra I'm pretty sure that would be a purposeful action, so no.
Yesterday at 6:58pm · Like

B just do it it feels good
Yesterday at 6:59pm · Like

B i heard
Yesterday at 6:59pm · Like

Cassandra That is one of the worst reasons to do anything, especially when it's something that could result in my husband losing his job and thus my losing my health insurance. "You heard"? Yeah, suuuuuure lol
Yesterday at 6:59pm · Like

B he should think of you and get another job that respects the constitution
Yesterday at 7:02pm · Like

Cassandra He is thinking of me. He has a great job with good healthcare that allows for advancement, not to mention it's a stable job in a crazy economy and will provide for our family for decades to come. Just because smoking MIGHT help me means he should give up his job in one of the cities with the highest unemployment rates in the country? I think not. I'd rather he keep his job and be able to pay our bills.
Yesterday at 7:04pm · Like · 4

B in regards to ya sure i'm neither a user or an advocate just don't want u to be in pain a suggestion
Yesterday at 7:08pm · Like

Cassandra Thanks. I appreciate the sentiment.
Yesterday at 7:09pm · Like

S that's the rub, is that the pain will likely stay forever, regardless of what treatments tried. you always trade something for pain relief, whether it is organ function or mental clarity.
Yesterday at 7:10pm · Like

B just smoke the pot and be well nobody will tell anybody . no one will come to ur house and say be ill, and just keep the music down you will be ok its better then meds
23 hours ago · Like

L The lady said no several times on several threads. I'm glad you're so passionate about trying to help, but maybe redirect that passion to being supportive of the decision she already made? 

^Ranting because the "No I will not smoke pot" explanation shouldn't have to be given on every single thread. Sorry for crossing that line, not sorry I feel this way
23 hours ago · Like · 1

Cassandra Thank you, L. I appreciate that, and I feel the same way.
19 hours ago · Like

Cassandra So true, S. What a lame predicament.
19 hours ago · Like

B hey L you sound like you could use some pot too for your head you sound angry thank you have a nice day and i dont smoke pot but if it would help me i would if i was in pain and D be your own man r u a cop too dont let them brain wash you be happy have nice day nephew
3 hours ago · Like

L B, I am angry with you for trying to pressure my friend into doing something she doesn't want to do despite the fact that she's told you her position on the matter numerous times. I'm sure you would smoke pot of your situation was similar to Cassie's in which case i would be supportive of your choice, and she would probably be nice enough not to spam you with frequent messages about how you shouldn't smoke pot. Her choice is her choice, and you should either respect and support it or keep your dissatisfaction with her decision to yourself.
3 hours ago via mobile · Like

B pressure?
3 hours ago · Like

L Yes. Pressure. You take every conceivable opportunity to tell her to smoke pot. She tells you in no uncertain terms that she will not smoke pot, has her reasons for having reached that decision, and has shared those reasons with you. In spite of that, you continue to hound her about your opinion of her decision for her health and her family. If you were at a gathering of your friends and colleagues and someone told you to have a drink and you refused and they kept telling you to take it, it's just one drink, it's not going to hurt anything, just do it, etc. it would be peer pressure. If you were at a bar or club trying to pick up somebody and they told you no multiple times and you didn't get the hint the bouncer would remove you from the building for harassing the other patrons. No on the internet is just as valid as no in real life.

2 hours ago via mobile · Like

B you seem so angry you should smoke pot too and be happy
2 hours ago · Like

B who are you anyways you seem so animated like bart simpson or stewie, have a nice day
2 hours ago · Like

L Me smoking pot will not make you less of a drug-pusher, nor will it change the fact that i don't like my friends to be harassed.
2 hours ago via mobile · Like

B are you a cop
2 hours ago · Like

B drug pusher ,you sound crazy too
2 hours ago · Like

B i see how you hide your self
2 hours ago · Like

B just stop bullying me, too much sadness from you have a nice day cop
2 hours ago · Like

B are you driving and texting thats bad too smoking pot and texting and driving have a nice day and leave me alone please
2 hours ago · Like

L Since you said please, I will oblige. That's what grown ups do.
2 hours ago via mobile · Like

Cassandra Oh. my. god. Really? REALLY? B, I will discuss this with you in a private message, but publicly I will say that I don't appreciate the direction you took this conversation. L, thank you for dealing with the topic in a mature manner. We're done with this now.
8 minutes ago · Like

Private message:

B, I agree with my friend L. I feel as though you have continued to ply me with unwelcome pressure to do something that I have stated in no uncertain terms that I do not wish to do. I explicitly asked you to stop telling me to smoke pot, but you have only increased your efforts to get me to try marijuana. Why? What's the big fucking deal? I have explained myself to you time and time again, and I no longer wish to do so, since you CLEARLY don't get it. To see you insult my friends, my husband, and my brother in law is the last straw. I will be unfriending you.

Also, you may want to consider what you blast all over a public forum regarding your stance on prohibited substances. Some states may have legalized the use of marijuana, but it is still a federal crime. If you are ever busted, those comments of yours are incredibly incriminating. Don't think for a second that cops don't use Facebook to nail people. Just a thought.

So that's over and done. I have a funny story to tell, my brother in law wrote me an apology/explanation message about his uncle's behavior, and I am more self-aware and empowered when it comes to dealing with unwanted pressure. Lesson learned, life skills gained, and it's all good. I feel good about myself that this really didn't ruffle my emotional feathers as it would have in the past. It was totally not personal to me, and that's great.

Today is definitely a rest day. I've been napping up a storm the past week or so, especially since I had that really rough day without the meds. I've spent the last few days trying to recover from that, but I pushed it too hard and went down yesterday. The awards ceremony really took it out of me, and yesterday when I met up with E for a lunch meeting followed by work, I almost passed out in the restaurant. I was soooo sick.. apparently I went whiter than a sheet, and I barely made it out the front doors to the car. I had to leave my car there while she drove me home, and needless to say we didn't get to work that day. (No paycheck this week. Bummer.) She called me today, worried like crazy, but I assured her that I am alright. Apparently she had a panic attack on the way home, she was so worried, and she was talking about it with her husband (who adores me like I'm one of his own, and I totally love him too). Poor E. I did just what she said and rested as soon as I got home, though. I spent the rest of the day in bed feeling pretty lame after sleeping a few hours, and I've done the same today. Just woke up from another 4 or 5 hour nap. Sleep is nice. It keeps me from hurting while I'm doing it lol. Also, I haven't been sleeping well due to nightmares and increased pain at night, so I often wake up after a few hours, stay up with C until he goes to sleep, then crash out again with him. It's nice to be able to spend so much time with him, though!

I sincerely hope that this passing out thing is just a fluke, a product of overextending myself and using up all of my resources, rather than a new symptom come to torment me. I've been struggling with lightheadedness and fatigue for some time now, but this is new... and really, really unpleasant. Truth be told, it's terrifying. I'm scared to leave my house now. What if it happens while I'm driving? While I'm out and about on my own? Bad enough that I never know when a twitching fit is going to strike, but now this? I'm scared that it's a sign that my body has taken another step on the road to breaking down. Maybe I'm a hypochondriac, but dysautonomia was the first thing that came to mind. Of course. lol. But then, how can you not be a hypochondriac of sorts when you don't know exactly what's wrong with you and you've got a whole buffet of symptoms at your disposal that could point to a bagillion things? Yep. You just roll with it and keep your fears to yourself... and then spill them onto your blog. Heh.

I broached the topic of guilt with E while we were driving home yesterday. She put me in my place for even daring to compare her sickness and mine, vehemently stating that she deals with a different illness with different symptoms and she has to take care of herself in different ways. She said there was nothing to apologize for when I told her that I was sorry I couldn't work and that I was sick, and she told me not to ever apologize for that again. I love that woman. I explained to her my guilt about her working so much and being so sick, yet I can't/don't/won't. She just shook her head and said that she has to see the HJ grow. I brought up my theory about that being what she has to do to survive, but it's not me.. and she kinda agreed. Like, the HJ is her baby. In the big picture, she has to see it grow and flourish. It is necessary to her personal well being, even if that means putting up with sickness in the meantime. I want to see it grow and flourish, too, but it's just not the same. And so she has to hid her sickness in a way that I don't have to, because she's being watched by certain people and agencies in the community and they will strike at any perceived weakness. One thing I do know, though, is that she would be far sicker without me. I help her a ton, and we help support one another. We hold each other up. So my guilt is alleviated. We both survive on our own terms, and mine isn't wrong... just different.

On a happier note, J officially booked the ticket that will take me to her family's home so we can spend Christmas together! Bwaaaaaaah! I'm so excited. We haven't seen each other since... since... like, spring of 2012. It's been a year and a half, abouts. Far too long. But distance cannot separate the hearts of true roommates! Haha. Anyway, her parents are being super generous and buying me a ticket to fly out there, then she and her mom and I will drive back to Y and drop me off before they continue north to see J's uncle and J flies back home. I still am having a hard time absorbing the reality of this. I mean... that is so incredibly generous and kind of Uncle S and Auntie C. I just... wow. Wow. Like, what did I do to deserve this? Makin' their daughter happy, probably. lol.

Coraline has become quite brave and comes into C's man cave with no trepidation, rubbing up against C's computer chair and accepting petting from him. This, from the cat that fled to the other end of the house at eye contact with him just a week and a half ago. It's because she and I bonded well, she trusts me, and so when I "lured" her into C's room while he was in there she trusted that it was ok. After the initial exploration of trepidation, she's a bold little bugger. Her favorite new toys are a pink eraser and a white board eraser. She plays with those things with such ferocity and focus... it's adorable! I am keeping both kitties inside today, though, especially Coraline the black. People do sick things to cats on Halloween, especially black cats. I'm sad to say that this is the case, but you just work with the reality you've got.

I made a tentative friend through an online forum, and C and I are going to meet her for the first time tomorrow. I've been looking for female friends in my community, since most of the friends I have are guys, and all of my good girlfriends are eons away. I'm lonely for ladies. However, it's not like I can "get out" and make friends, so I am cautiously trying the internet. Taking C with me is a good precaution, I feel. I have a good sense for creepers and so does C, so if anything's off the odds are that we'll notice. Plus we're meeting in a public place, so that's much safer. I hope it pans out! As much as I'm an introvert, I do miss having friends over just to chill now and then. I kinda wish I was well enough to do something for Halloween. I miss dressing up, mostly because it's fun and I love the theatric, but also because of the social aspect. If I were feeling ok, I might even try a bar this year, just to see what all the fuss is about. Not like I can drink anyway. But eh... I'm going to keep the porch light off, ignore the knocks. We didn't buy any candy, and I do not have the energy to get up and down answering the door every few minutes. I wish that I had The Nightmare Before Christmas to watch, though. I love that movie... C hates it. He and his brother are both super freaked out by claymation. Funny fear, right? Anyway, today's the perfect day to watch, especially with C at work. It's a family favorite. I have so very many pleasant memories associated with that movie... very nostalgic. I like nostalgia.

It's been a busy few days. I've been working quite a lot (for me, anyway). Wednesday was regular work, but I was flaring very badly due to medication changes, and I was thoroughly exhausted by the time I got home. On Thursday, I attended a training on working with domestic violence and childhood sexual assault survivors, particularly pregnant and postpartum survivors. It was really good, and actually led to some epiphanies for my own self, but I'll wait until I have a copy of the presentation to go over those, so that I can make sure that I actually get the specifics down. My brain fog has been so bad lately, I end up stumbling around in vagaries when I try to tell C about my day.

Thursday evening was the Homicide Remembrance Vigil, and I worked the welcome table for that. I've experienced many kinds of loss in my life, but never the loss of a loved one due to homicide. Judging by the talks I heard and the faces of the participants, I can only imagine that it is excruciating.

Yesterday, I met with one of the victim advocates/therapists for the Marine base here in town, as I'll be speaking to a gathering of the commanding officers next month to kick of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. The meeting was good, but I had to work on my talk and come up with the pictures I was going to use so that I could email them to her ASAP, so I did that in the evening. The combination of the past few days of training and vigils and exploring my own story again triggered my PTSD, unsurprisingly. I didn't expect it, though, and it caught me off guard. I became increasingly distressed as the night wore on, but I was able to use some of the coping mechanisms that we teach the girls in group to maintain my grip on reality. That's not to say that I didn't do some crying and freaking out, because I mean, who am I trying to kid? But I didn't go into full scale meltdown, which is serious progress. I'm damn proud of myself.

Juneaux seems to sense when I'm in great distress, either physically or emotionally/mentally, and he acts accordingly. He followed me into the bedroom last night when I finally settled down to try to rest and cuddled right up next to me, purring loudly and pressing his warmth up against my side. It relaxed and comforted me enough that I was able to drift off to sleep several times, though I did wake up gasping in sheer panic and terror when C opened the bedroom door to come to bed. I could not stay asleep, though, even with the security of C's solid presence next to me, and I woke myself up several times by tossing, flailing, mumbling, crying out, and even once with singing! Finally I removed myself to the couch about 5 am so that C could rest undisturbed, as he is pulling a 12 hour shift tonight. Out on the couch, Juneaux curled up with me again, and I was able to sleep for a few hours uninterrupted by anything but crazy dreams.

So today I still feel in a funk of sorts, but I know what's going on, and I'm just going to go about my daily business and not freak out about freaking out. I mean, considering what I'm up against, this is a totally normal response. I tell other people that all the time, and I know the same applies to me. It is heartening to see how much progress I've made, too. I wish I could just never have to deal with the junky trauma ever again, but I know that's not how this process works. I'll always have to deal with my past in some ways or another... but I can certainly do it in healthy ways. Even if I do feel weirded out and on edge. By continuing on with my life, I deny G any power that he thought to exercise over me. I am bigger than him, I am stronger than anything he could ever do to me, and I have won. I may still feel funny, but I have won, and I think that's worth a lot.

Okay, yes, discouraged and worn down and tuckered out though I may be, I do have to share a very exciting and inspirational story.

About a week and a half ago, I was invited for the second time to speak to a classroom of high risk teens who are going through the program my agency offers at a local charter high school. I feel totally comfortable there because I went to one of the schools for druggies, dropouts, and pregnant teens (while being none of those things) here in this town and absolutely adored it. So I went and told my story of how I was abused, abandoned and neglected throughout my life, and the dysfunction I endured. I also told the story of how I put one of my abusers behind bars, how I learned to forgive, and about self-hatred, self-love, and boundaries.

I saw a lot of nodding heads amidst the laughter while I was talking, and I know that a lot of what I said resonated very personally with the kids there, who live lives similar to mine. While in the office today, we got a phone call from the teacher of the class, one of our peer support specialists, and she told us that one of her students disclosed to her. The girl shared that one of her family members had been sexually molesting her for a long time, and while he had stopped he was still very involved in her life. She hadn't ever told anyone, but hearing my story prompted her to speak up and get help. Her words were, "if that Cassie girl can make it, then so can I."

Holy crap, y'all.

I mean, just let that sink in. By spending an hour with these kids and just telling the story of what I've gone through and what I've done with my life (counseling; stable emotionally and mentally--mostly, hah!; a stable, healthy, and happy marriage; a job that I love, am good at, and am passionate about; setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in all aspects of my life), I literally changed the course of someone's life. She is gonna do so much better... her self-worth is going to change, the way she interacts with those around her, the way she goes after her dreams and goals... She will be much less likely to continue the cycle of abuse by getting into a bad relationship or becoming an abuser herself. She will advocate (in big or small ways) for those she sees being victimized in her life, because that's just what happens when you learn about this stuff and put it into practice in your life. It's a natural by-product.

This girl is going to start coming to the teen support group, which I just so happen to be getting re-involved in very soon. That means that I'll get to work closely with this girl who saw something in my life that gave her hope that her life could be different and better too. What a privilege.

I love my job.

This weekend I worked the information booth at a gun show. I was determined to put in all of the hours, both days, no matter how crappy I felt/would feel... and I did. I earned enough money to knock out several of my bills, which makes the financial burden lighter for my beloved.

I told him that I was doing it for him, and he corrected me with, "No, you're doing it to pay your bills and be a responsible lady." I corrected him and said that I already know how to be responsible-- I've been making ends meet and paying bills for years! I'm doing this for him, because he is the one that most of the bills fall to, and I want to lighten his load. I don't think he had thought of it in that way.

Still wrestling with the depression that comes with this awful pain, though now that my menstrual cycle is about to restart I think things will get better. I've been craving affirmation and trying to extract it from C, but it's like trying to get water from a stone. Spontaneous words of affirmation are not his strong point. (Understatement.) He is the type that will offer a few well-placed words to go along with an accomplishment, but he's not the cheerleader type. That's my area. He is the steady, solid rock that I can rest upon, but I have to remember that this solid rock isn't also a sparkly crystal cavern of delight. Weird analogy, I know, but it's the best I've got right now.

Anyway... just pushing through, one day at a time. I really want to get my house into shape, and I'm working on it one task at a time, but I find that I need some help again, probably... if I want to get any deep cleaning done, anyway.

I may be able to get my computer fixed for free. How I would love that... booting up C's big old computer is a pain, so I don't do it often. Plus sitting upright in his chair tends to increase my pain. I don't know what it is about this chair. But I do have my smartphone, which is proving to be a great boon. I found a game that distracts me for hours at a time. It's called Plague, and the objective is to cultivate and spread your plague to wipe out all of humanity. It's really a ton of fun, and requires strategy, which is something that I am weak on and want to improve. I also found a really neat fibro-tracking app that I can record my pain levels, symptoms, med dosages and times, etc. It's a great tool.

Yesterday was the Women's Empowerment Conference that the HJ hosted. We had a lot of help to make it a reality in the first place. For instance, a law firm sponsored us and gave us the money to hire caterers to provide a free continental breakfast and a lunch to all of the women and vendors present. That's nothing to sneeze at, for the total head count was somewhere around 100, way beyond my expectations! I helped to run the registration table by the front door, then I sat at the HJ's booth. There were lots of flyers and information on our table, as well as those silicon bracelets that everyone likes so much, and there was also one of those informational tri-fold cardboard things, but it was very hastily put together for this event. E gratefully accepted my inquiry of making another one for us. I know I can do a great job, and it's important that our information be displayed attractively. Presentation is a large part in what draws people in. (That's why it bothered me so much that some of the books we had to sell in the summer programs were clearly outdated and very unappealing. It made them much harder to sell, and even believing what was in the books already I had a hard time reading them and taking them seriously.)

I didn't stay for the whole day, leaving after the keynote/lunch speaker, but I enjoyed what I was there for. I was there for the majority of the day, and it wiped me out! I did get a free chair massage from the massage therapist who was there, which helped my back pain for a little while. I was definitely glad I had brought my stick and a large quantity of pain killers, though. I can't wait to debrief about the conference on Tuesday at our HJ meeting. I am certain that it will be an event that will continue for many years. I'm so happy that we're becoming a presence in our community with annual events! There's the talent show, for one, and now this Conference. I love being a part of something that makes a difference in people's lives. I really do. I feel very fortunate that I have both the opportunity and the skill set to be a valuable part of the HJ.

I was very tired afterward, though. I came home and napped, then C and I went out to run errands, but I was in bed and asleep before ten last night. We went to the Verizon store and priced phone plans for when I switch over to his plan. It is so expensive! C and I went through the budget item by item yesterday, and I'm discouraged, frankly. I mean, I know we'll be okay, but... I feel guilty for being such an expense to him. It's not like he didn't know it when he married me, but I wish that I had ways to ease his financial burden. If I could work, that would be one thing, but not only am I not able to really work, I bring medical bills and expensive food bills on top of all that! If I could live on rice and beans I would, but I cannot digest beans (or most proteins, really) well and it causes me more problems. After taking out all of the necessities like bills, we have just above a hundred dollars to buy gas and anything else we need. I told him that I will buy my own gas, and not to worry about it. I can manage that much with my paycheck. I'm still trying to pay down my credit card, but it's a very slow process. E and I were talking about increasing my hours this summer, and I'd like to, if just for the sake of finances. (More than that, though, I savor the feeling of making a valuable, viable contribution to something other than myself.)

I was racking my brain, trying to figure out where I can cut expenses to help, but I can't come up with anything. Even when it comes to food, as expensive as it is, I buy only the basics. Fruit, veggies, sometimes chicken, cheese, or fish, rice from time to time, yogurt (though I'm cutting that out for other reasons), rice milk and cereal, oatmeal, applesauce... That's it. My big splurges come in the form of, "Omg, can I have raspberries this week?!" And I know that C's not upset with me for any of this, but I almost expect him to be. Weird, huh? I know where it comes from, at least partially, though, and C's called it on more than one occasion. When I'm fretting about costing him money, he says, "I'm not R, and you're not your mom." It's true. R gets very worked up about spending money, and Mom is not good at not spending it. I do not nonchalantly spend money on things that are not necessities, though from time to time I feel an insatiable urge to spend money on myself in a way that is not necessity-related, like buying a dress from Goodwill or a new bottle of nail polish or a new piece of jewelry from WalMart or Etsy or something. I do, but it always comes out of my own money, what little that is, and I invariably feel the pressure afterwards that I could have spent it on something more productive... but the pleasure in my purchase overcomes the guilt. Usually.

It blew me away the first time C made that comment about R and mom, but I immediately saw the truth of it. And you know what? I'm actually glad they're getting divorced. They have put much work into their relationship and into the family, but it's still very dysfunctional, and it's better for everyone involved if they go their separate ways. I think everyone will be happier eventually, even if they aren't at first. The kids are going to have to get used to living within much tighter means, and while it may be difficult for them it will be a valuable lesson. R is a good person, as evidenced by the fact that he's buying the family a place to live and will be giving them money for a pre-determined period of time. That blows me away. I mean, when you're divorcing someone... usually you don't volunteer to give them money after you're split up. I never had any doubts about him being a good man, but he needs to get his PTSD under control. He's also very moody, which I could never handle. One of the things that draws me to C so much is his stability in nearly every area. R is stable financially, to be sure, but his moods are so subject to change... I always checked with mom to see what kind of mood he was in before I called to talk about money with him. Mom has her own mood swings, but maybe I'm more used to those since I grew up with them. I don't know how to explain her, exactly... I mean, she's generally always upbeat, in the same way that people say I'm always happy, but she can go "manic" and be swept away in some idea of hers on a moment's notice. A trip to the store is never just a trip to the store. You may end up 3 other places before you finally make it there, which always wore me out and made me impatient. (Realizing now that it was probably my lower-than-normal energy levels contributing to that without my realizing it-- not enough spoons!) I mean, I love adventure as much as the next person, but I just want to get my errands done and then decide if I feel up to anything else. I suppose that's the fibro talking. I do cherish the memories of her coming home from work and announcing that we were going to San Diego that weekend. I dunno. I'm ambivalent about it.

There's so much more to the situation, but I'm pretty much just staying out of it. They're adults. They need to work it out on their own. There's a situation that Mom is involved in that I am uncomfortable with and disagree with, but I've made my feelings known and now I just have to let it go. I still love her to pieces, but I'm not her caretaker. It is strange for me to keep my hands off emotionally, but it's taken a lot of work for me to be healthy enough to do that. She's my mother, not the other way around, and though I spent much of my life trying to take care of her... that's not my job. It's not my place. So she knows how I feel and why, and I'm letting it drop. She needs to work things out on her own. (I do kinda feel like a parent watching their child make mistakes, though... it's hard.)

I am sad about not being able to visit for Christmas this year, but Mom has said something about her possibly being able to visit me sometime this year or next, so that's very exciting. I would love to have her here. I told her that she'll be so proud of me when she sees my little house and the life C and I have built, but she said that she's already so very proud of me. Warm fuzzies!

I was telling C about our conversation, and how Mom used to be afraid that being with him would hold me back, "live a small life", because she has always felt that I'm destined for great things. Now, as we're discussing the stability and love that C has brought into my life, we both agree that he's the solid foundation that has and will allow me to grow into my full potential. The analogy was that he's the soil that will let me bloom. When I told C that, we started this joke about how he's dirt to me and how that would sound if we said it around others. So now, as a term of endearment, I shout at him, "You're dirt to me!" It's pretty funny :)

I saw the neurologist today. While he is more skeptical of fibromyalgia than I'd like (it has no objective test to prove its presence in a person), he seems to know what he's talking about when it comes to other things. In addition, he's friendly and laughs easily, so I will stick with him, at least for now.

When I told him about the twitchies, he immediately began asking questions. He feels that many of the things wrong with me are puzzle pieces, including the fibromyalgia. Indeed, there are several diseases that fibromyalgia mimics the symptoms of, so in reality I could not have fibro at all, but some other disease. Isn't that interesting? So I'll be getting an MRI, an EEG, and some electrical testing in the next few weeks, to see what's going on with my nervous system. Honestly, there are several suspects that we are trying to see if we can rule out, and MS is one of them. Many of the symptoms of MS are the same as fibro, and the twitchies are definitely of a neurological origin, so it's a suspect until we rule it out. Lupus is another. Basically, we're looking at autoimmune causes it seems, although he agrees with me that the big accident back in '06 may actually have something to do with my nervous system dysfunctions.

Other than that, life's been pretty calm. I've had a few more instances of grieving D, but I know it's normal and healthy, so I just go with it and cry it out. C will often hold me while I cry, which is nice.

Have I mentioned lately that I love being married? The more time passes, the more love I am filled with for C, and the more gratitude wells up and overwhelms me. I am so grateful that I chose this path for my life. I am filled with more satisfaction and happiness than I have ever had in my life. My time in Id was very fulfilling, and comes a close second, but the work I was doing to heal from my past adds an element of discord and instability that is lacking in my current life. I have stability, for the first time in my life. Real, honest to goodness stability. I have C to thank for that. He is a Mr. Steady, that's for sure, and he works so hard to make sure that all of our ends meet. I know I can trust him and rely on him to care for me... and our children, eventually. I love that man, more than I thought I was capable of, and it's clear that he loves me as well. Life is good. Loving and being loved, despite whatever financial difficulties we are having... everything else pales in comparison. I am basking in the glow of knowing that I have my own little home, a place that will always be here for me. That doesn't mean that I don't still get restless and have the urge to go on an adventure, but the adventure is sweeter knowing that home is waiting. A real home. My home.

I see the pain specialist tomorrow, and I hope that he can help me. The patch took a few days for the medicine to build up in my system, and it's helping a little, but I'm still quite reliant on painkillers. I feel less shame about using them now, less guilt for taking them. I don't really understand why I feel as though I need to prove myself by enduring large amounts of pain, but I'm realizing that it's pretty silly. If I'm hurting and have the means to lower that pain, why shouldn't I? I would want anyone else to do the same. I do tend to treat myself much more harshly (and abusively) than I would ever treat someone else, but I'm working on overcoming that. I'm still learning how to be kind to myself. It's a long process, but one that is proving worthwhile. I think it's contributing to my satisfaction and joy in life. C is wonderful, but he is not and cannot be my everything. It would be unhealthy for me to expect that. I need to find my own joy and satisfaction outside of him and our relationship, although he does bring me much joy and satisfaction. That's why I'm grateful that I can still work some. It does a lot for my spirit to know that not only am I still somewhat self-reliant, but I am helping others. It's been hard, this loss of independence and control over my life... but I still have some measures of self-reliance left, and I cling to them.

Now I'm just rambling. I ran out of the effective painkillers my rheumatologist gave me to tide me over, so I had to take a large dose of two other painkillers that I still have. It worked, and I feel very relaxed and happy, which I love. I can see how easy it would be to become a prescription pain killer abuser, but that is something that I do not want. That contributes partially to my guilt over pain meds. I'm afraid that by enjoying the relief from pain and the mild euphoria that the drugs sometimes bring, I am choosing the path of the drug abuser. I know that's not the case, but enjoying the effects of the pain killers frightens me in a way. The weather has been forcing me to take more pain killers than I would normally (the barometric pressure is all over the place!), but I have other, more active ways to relieve the pain as well. C claims that I'm going to kill him with wanting sex so much, but it's just a natural part of who I am. I think he secretly enjoys the fact that I want him so much. In fact, I know he does. He pretends to hold out because he likes to watch me try to convince him to "give me a dose of painkillers". I found that little tidbit out last night, and I pretended offense, but I find it just as fun as he does to try to convince him, so the game will go on.

Summary: getting the medical help I need, despite our financial hardships. (Payment plans FTW!) Life is good. I love my husband, and I love being married. Took some meds, I feel good, and I borrowed some books from the library so I've been reading like crazy lately. I've been more fatigued than usual, so it's a good past-time.

C has had the past two days off, which has been nice. He's been working so much overtime lately, and I've been so drugged off and on, it seems like we've hardly gotten to see one another. Of course, we have our routine that works quite well, but getting to spend two whole days together was a real treat. On Friday, we ran errands. C's paycheck had finally hit the bank, so we paid off some of the bill from when his truck broke down, and then we bought groceries. It was a good thing he got paid when he did, because both of us were down to almost nothing in food, despite getting creative.

We took my car, since his truck didn't have gas yet and mine did. My car, Shenandoah, is also the only vehicle with a cd player or radio, but a song came on the radio that I HATE, so C suggested I put in a cd. I put in Queen's greatest hits, and as we drove along C was singing along with it, so I joined him. I swear, it was just like a movie or something. A young couple in love and having fun, driving along in the bright sunshine, singing with the radio to their favorite songs, enjoying one another and the day... it was truly, truly fun. It fed the part of my soul that thrives on spontaneity and joy.

Funny story that highlights my fibro fog... I took my walker with me into the store, as I've been in extreme pain of late. (But since I got back on the gabapentin, every day it's a little less, which is something to be truly grateful for.) C let me take over pushing the cart somewhere in the store, and it wasn't until the end-ish of our excursion that I felt overwhelmed by pain and fatigue and wanted to sit down on my walker... only to realize that I'd left it somewhere. I left my walker somewhere in the store. Hah! I found it easily enough, but I'm glad that I realized I'd left it before we checked out and went home. :) It was sitting forlornly near the root vegetables. Poor Bling Chariot.

After getting home, we watched some of the sci-fi show that we've begun watching through together. It's called Farscape, and it's from the late 90's, early 2000's. Despite being about 13 years old, it's really good and it makes me think a lot. It's also really funny. I'm really enjoying watching through this one with C, even more than the last anime we went through together. This is kind of a hobby that bonds the two of us; a couple's activity. C will choose a show he thinks I'll like, one that I haven't seen before, and we'll watch the whole thing together. The only time we haven't finished one is when we were going through Bleach, and that's because I got bored because it seemed repetitive to me.

After a while, the guys came over for DnD, and I hung out and read/played on the computer until I was ready for bed.

The next day, Saturday, was a truly lazy day that I enjoyed. I've been waking up early, like 6'ish, and moving to the couch to play on the internet/read/do stuff until C wakes up and goes to work. After that, I'll accomplish larger housework tasks, because I'm not afraid of waking him up. At any rate, C came out and joined me on the couch... sorta. We engaged in marital privileges a bit vigorously, but I didn't realize how few spoons I had, so I ended up using all of them on that one activity. C put in Farscape, and we proceeded to watch a good portion of the first season. I'm talking hours worth of the show, here. We paused it for regular bathroom and food breaks, and somewhere in the mid-afternoon we got dressed and went to the store in search of sea salt. They were out, but we walked over to the pet store and considered fish for C's tank and looked at the other animals. Upon arriving home, we ended up napping on the couch for several hours. C hadn't slept the night before and the heat really drained me, so we slept a long time. When I woke up I read for a while, and C was playing an online MMO with some of our friends who were online at the time, but then he came back out and we watched more Farscape until I was sleepy, which was about 1 am. We only have 6 episodes left in the first season, and we watched the bulk of the others yesterday.

It was a nice, easy, lazy day, and I really enjoyed spending the time with C. Some people think that watching a show together doesn't count as spending time together, because you're focused on something else, but the show actually stimulated some very interesting philosophical and anthropological discussions while we were watching. Also, we cuddled a lot, despite my being quite twitchy.

There is one thing that I must mention, and it is this: when we left to go grocery shopping on Friday, there was a package waiting in front of the door. I hadn't ordered anything, but my name was on it, so I opened it. It wasn't a bomb, but instead it was an entire case of Cassandra-safe cookies!!! Some mysterious benefactor ordered an entire case of the one store-bought cookie that I can eat, and had it sent to my house. I flipped out in a big way (in a good way), as I love surprises, and this is like... the ultimate surprise. Also, I was raised by my mother, whose primary love language is gifts, so to receive such a thoughtful gift, and as a surprise no less, reaches into my heart and tweaks every "feels" wire that I've got. I was jumping up and down and shouting and really just haywire with excitement, and I'm still so happy about it. It's not about the cookies, though they're delicious (and I'm having a hard time exercising self control!), but it's about the thoughtfulness and intention behind the cookies. An entire case. Man. Can you believe it? I'm stoked. And no, the mysterious benefactor has not revealed themselves as of yet. C and I both kind of thought it was M, but it wasn't. It is something like he would do, but I must look elsewhere for my secret gift giver.

Anyway, back to the regular week and C's regular routine. He has more overtime coming up, so we'll only get one day together as a day off, but that's okay. He's working so hard to keep us afloat, and I make sure to let him know how much I appreciate that, and him. He seems to like that :)

This may or may not be coherent. Fortunately, I only write for myself, so I know I'll understand me. That's a relief.

I want to preface this with the acknowledgment that I am a warrior, and a damn good one. I fight battles that many people will never, ever have to face in their life. I stare down intense chronic pain on a daily basis, and I win. Every day. I know I'm a fighter, and I know that I'm loved and cherished beyond belief. I also know that it's all going to be okay.

That being said, I will now proceed to lay bare my fears, vulnerabilities, and anger.

I spent a good portion of my evening and night in the emergency room last night. On Sunday, I spent an hour in the heat and that set off a migraine that was still super severe 24 hours later, and I couldn't get it under control with my pain meds I had at home. On top of that, I was having full body pain and fever and the damn twitchies were back, which exacerbated the pain. I could not handle it any longer, so I went in for help with the migraine and for pain control. (I was afraid of overdosing on acetaminophen with the current route that I was on.) I ended up sitting, waiting for a bed, for hours... twitching the whole while. It was kinda funny. What wasn't funny is that for the last hour or two I was in tears from the pain, weeping openly at a couple of points... but there was nothing they could do to help me until a bed opened up. Once they got me in, I saw a doctor and was injected with pain meds within the hour. I also got a referral to a neurologist, which is in the works.

The thing is, as relieved as I am to have gotten some help, it comes entangled with a whole host of other problems. Money problems. Health problems. Family problems. The implications of all of those.

I'm stressed, y'all.

1. Money- basic living expenses
2. Money- J's wedding
3. Money- medical bills
3a. Money/Health- prescription costs
4. Health- sickness, current and progressive
4a. Health- new symptoms
5. Health- diagnoses, current and possible
6. Health- pain control
7. Disability- to file or not?
8. Food stamps- do I qualify now?
9. Family- Mom and R divorcing

Can you tell I'm worried about money? lol. We're literally barely making ends meet. Stuff keeps breaking, like C's truck (or his battery), and we were already strapped because of the house and moving and all. Then we got the news that Mom and R are divorcing, and while I'm supportive of the decision, it means that my going on C's insurance a year earlier than planned is going to take $300 a month out of his paycheck. Oy. Not to mention that I have to get on his phone plan and his car insurance as well... Plus the added bills that living in an actual home means... C had it planned out well, but life happens, you know? Excrement transpires.

It's not that I'm worried, because I know we'll be okay, and worrying doesn't put money in your pocket, but it's just that... I guess I feel really badly because I'm the cause of a lot of these hikes in expenditures. I know that my medical bills are high. I know that it costs a lot to feed me. I know all this. I can't change it, but I know it... and it's awful. We've both cut out any unnecessary expenditures in our lives, but we're still just... barely making it. I've been trying to think of other things I can do to cut down expenses, like maybe buying less food, but I only get the basics, so... it's just expensive, not being able to buy the boxed and canned stuff. I feel helpless to make any meaningful, positive change to our situation.

And here's the kicker-- I wouldn't worry about it so much if we weren't also trying to save up several hundred dollars to make it up north in a month. I thought we could do it. I really did. And we could, if shit would stop breaking down! All of the several hundred that we'd allotted for the trip has gone to fix C's truck... the very thing that we need to have running to make the trip. Go figure. I'm tormented about this. I want to make the trip so bad, and I promised J that we would, even if we have to put it on my credit card, but I'm not sure I even have enough on my credit limit for that. Since R and Mom split, C has had to take over sole financial responsibility for my med bills. R gave me one last $80, but I've already had to put several prescriptions and copays on my credit card. I feel like I'm up a creek without a paddle here, and headed for a waterfall.

A lot of my torment is my promise to J (why, oh why did I make a promise?!), but I also really, really want to go back home again, if just for a visit. It won't be the same without D, of course, but I miss it so very badly... and I want to show C off. I want to show off the place to C, and C to everyone up there! lol.

I'm also still struggling with a loss of identity in several ways. Having this bad flare/migraine brought on by the heat shows me that I am, indeed, very heat sensitive now and can't afford to be out in it for long. That means that my dream of hiking the Grand Canyon rim to rim, or at least to the bottom and back up, may very well be beyond the realm of possibility.

Damnit! Can't I have just one dream that doesn't get snatched away by my stupid health problems?! I don't even know if I can have kids, I can't hike anymore, I can't hold a job, I can barely drive myself around right now, I can't keep a spotless house... what is there left for me to do? I still sing, but you can only sing to yourself for so long before you go crazy. I write, clearly. I read, when I can. (Funny-- I took a book with me to the ER to pass the time, but then found I couldn't read because of the migraine! Hah.)

It's not that I don't love my life, because I do. I love my husband, and I am blown away by his commitment to take care of me. It flabbergasts me. I just hate the position that I put him in, having to work 7 days in a row because of the overtime he's taking to try to make it all work... and I feel like I can't contribute a thing.

That's not true. I'm going to work tomorrow, no matter how terrible I feel, because I need the money to buy groceries. C can't afford food until he gets paid. I think he had $7 when we last looked at it a few days ago. I'm glad that I have a boss that is understanding, because she also kicks ass with an autoimmune condition and intense chronic pain. We are quite the team, us two cripples. LOL.

I've taken enough pain killers to put down a small mammal, and I'm still at the place where I'd like to take more, because it's enough to make me squirm. I'm used to dealing with a lot of pain, but this is... ridiculous. At least I don't have the migraine as well. Just a shadow of a headache.

So I am grateful. But there are a lot of battles for me to fight, and I'm tired right alongside my grateful. I'd like to catch a financial break. I'd like to go to Id. I'd like to be cured. (I think.) I'd like it if my hobbies and dreams didn't keep getting crushed. I'd like a pain killer that actually does what it's supposed to do. I'd like cookies. I'd like a puppy to snuggle with. And while we're at it? I'd like temperate weather that I can enjoy without dying one way or another.

I just finished mopping the entire house, all by myself. It wasn't all at once, of course-- I broke it up into segments. I did the kitchen before C woke up, then I finished the rest of the house just now. (It's a good thing we have such a little house! lol)

C was very pleased to see that I'm feeling well enough to attempt housework again. He does worry about me, in a "non-worrying" kind of way. He cares about my well-being, let's put it that way, and it pains him to see me very ill. He also knows what pride I take in a clean house and in being productive, so he's happy that I'm happy.

It got me thinking about when I was a kid, and how much I hated housework. It wasn't that I hated cleaning, per se, it's just that Mom didn't have any sense of regularity in chores, so our home would end up looking like an episode of Hoarders (I wish I were exaggerating...) before we launched a marathon cleaning session. I remember having the fatigue issues even as a kid, so I hated those cleaning sprees. They lasted forever, they were boring, trying to make a dent was overwhelming, I didn't feel good, and what was the point anyway because none of it would even stay clean?! It got better as time went on, but I do remember those binge cleaning sessions with mixed fondness and dread. The good? We listened to the original cast recording of The Phantom of the Opera or Franki Valli and drank sweet coffee with lots of cream while we cleaned. The bad? Coffee makes me tired.

I remember one particular time that I was vacuuming around the barstools in the dining room, and Mom was in the kitchen tidying up. (This was during a routine day, not a marathon cleaning session, btw.) She gave me a tidbit that helped to shape my work ethic tremendously, which was this: However you do things now is how you will do them later. If you learn to do good work now, you will do good work later. And who knows where you'll be later? You could be vacuuming for the President of the United States, and do you want to do a bad job? No! So do it well now, and then whatever situation you end up in, you'll be prepared to do good work.

That memory flashed back to me vividly one day while I was on the outdoor work crew at SOULS. We students teamed up with the camp that our campus was located on to earn our keep a bit, and I loved working the outdoor work crew with the kinda gruff but totally lovable camp custodian R. You know, one of those white haired old men with a little bit of a limp that have a bazillion experiences fixing things with whatever's on hand, can make anything run, and have fantastic stories to boot. He used to be a teacher, actually. Anyway, I have the highest respect for him, and I loved working with him, especially when I worked hard and he acknowledged it. (It was from him that I learned how to plane logs and break trails.) One day our team was out raking pinecones, and I was raking with a will and a vengeance, because that's what we were supposed to be doing, you know? I'm not at all opposed to having fun while you work, but everyone else was kind of goofing off more than I wanted to be, so I was keeping to myself and raking. R came up to me with his own rake and asked, "Who taught you how to work?" "My mom," I replied. "Well, she did a good job of it." That was it, but it was an affirmation that I prize highly to this day.

Now that I'm not able to do everything that I used to, it's even more important for me to do what I do well. If I can only do one thing, it's going to be done to the best of my ability! The key to my sanity is realizing what is actually my best and what is an unrealistic expectation. So, no. I didn't move the couches to mop underneath them. I did move the coffee table and pick up the rugs, though. Because, I mean, who knows? Someday I may be mopping floors for the President. :P