This ^ is me. As J and I have delved into the blackness of my soul, we have processed through relatively "new" issues, ones I've acquired in the last, oh... 6 years or so.

Now, however, I'm burrowing through the upper mantle, into the lower mantle and outer core, releasing spewing fountains of pure molten magma (and possibly some iron, nickel, and sulfur). We're bumping up against the old dysfunctions of yore, the ones I have cherished and nurtured from infancy on.

No wonder I'm reacting so violently... and spurting vast quantities of toxicity, like a severed, gangrenous artery.

Gross.

I'm considering it. J has helped me alot, but I feel like I am spiraling out of control.

Maybe somebody who does this for a living could help me get past this mess...

Maybe I'm just desperate for answers and/or relief.

Maybe. Maybe not.

I guess I had just kind of thought that I'd be done with bad days by now.

I want to press the "Reset" button.

It's like I've been walking along this path, and all of a sudden, I have stopped dead in my tracks and realized that I don't know where I am, I don't know where I'm going to end up (or what I'm going to have to face to get there), and it's getting dark. Freak out.

I want to hermit myself away, so that I can gather the strength it requires to live with myself and these memories and these feelings.

I know that I'm breaking down real good this time, because my chest pain has come back. I haven't had that for a long time.

God, where are you in all this? You could have stopped all this evil and pain. You could have! I know it! Why didn't you stop them? Why, God? Why must we hurt this way?  If you really love us, why do you let them hurt us like this?

G showed up in my dream last night. Not G1 (my first abuser ever. Thanks alot.), but G2, the one I put in prison. He came to my house. And people were telling me that I just needed to get over it and hang out with him again.

Never.

Ever.

I will hate him until I die.

I hate him for what he did to me. Who the hell does he think he is?! Did I ever ASK to be molested? For years, I thought that it was what I deserved, that it was "payment" for any form of kindness he showed me. What person in their right mind thinks, "Hmm. She's young. Too young, in fact, to bear children. Perfect." And your pitiful excuses betray your withered brain. "Your mom and I were going through a rough time..." Bullshit. If you were here, in front of me now, I would punch you in the face. I would rake my fingernails across your disgusting, roving eyes. I would punish you, make you pay for everything you did to me, to my family, to my mother...

But you don't even care. You don't care that you RUINED MY LIFE! You're such a jerk! I HATE YOU! If I never see you again, it will be too soon. And stay out of my dreams, jerkface. I have enough troubles without you coming around to haunt me.

Yes, I'm gonna do it! My own version of "Sanguine Saturday" from over at Dialectic Dichotomy. I think I could use a little funk breakage.

Triumphant Tales:
-I am going to shower before noon today.
-I got stuff set up with the chiropractor, all by myself!
-I am consciously evaluating my current commitments in the light of God's will for me at this present time. (i.e. should I quit/start _____ or not?)
-I realized that I am not theonlyonewhohaseverfelththiswayonthefaceofearthforeverperiod.
-I'm starting to "work" my counseling materials again, instead of just coasting.
-I have been able to significantly overcome my desire for self-destruction in the form of an eating disorder. Thank God I was able to kill it before it sprouted into a whole plant!
-I ordered several books on anger and self-talk.
-I figured out one of my favorite Tenth Avenue North songs on the guitar.

Thankfuls:
-Mom is back out of the ER again, and on painkillers.
-The fam. What are the odds that my host family would truly understand and encourage me?
-The cats. Buckets o' fun, I say.
-Peppermint tea, you have snatched my bowels from the diabolical grip of nausea more times than I care to count... my hero.
-I have enough money to buy counseling books. Maybe even enough to go see my loved ones come spring.
-My new chiropractor. Awesome sense of humor? Check. Teaches me as he works? Check. Kind, considerate, and not the least bit awkward? Check. Covered by my insurance? Double check.
-MUSIC.

Thoughts to Ponder:
This, too, shall pass.

God wanted me even before he made the world. He still wants me, even now. (Ephesians 1:3-6)

I'm not the only one who feels this way.

My pain shall not be wasted.

Love of my life

Look deep in my eyes

There you will find what you need

Give me your life

The lust and the lies

The past you're afraid I might see

You've been running away from me

You're my beloved lover

I'm yours

Death shall not part us

It's you I died for

For better or worse

Forever we'll be

My love it unites us and it binds you to me

It's a mystery

Love of my life

Look deep in my eyes

There you will find what you need

I'm the giver of life

I'll clothe you in white

My immaculate bride you will be

Come running home to me

You're my beloved lover

I'm yours

Death shall not part us

It's you I died for

For better or worse

Forever we'll be

My love it unites us and it binds you to me

You've been a mistress, my wife

Chasing lovers that won't satisfy

Won't you let me make you my bride

You will drink of my lips and you'll taste new life

You're my beloved lover

I'm yours

Death shall not part us

It's you I died for

For better or worse

Forever we'll be

My love it unites us and it binds you to me

It's a mystery

("Beloved", Tenth Avenue North)

The Prayer
"God, my heart is surely broken. It is so hard to trust others, even You. Help me be open. Help me understand, too, about anger. I am so angry at them that I never even knew I deserved their love. And I was taught that anger is a sin. Admitting this rage makes me feel evil all over again. I need to learn it is part of being human, not a sign of my wickedness. Help, God."

(God speaks:) "Cassandra, listen to Me. You have a right to your anger. Your loss is tremendous, but I do understand. I will help you heal."

"But God, I missed out on so much. I want to have a happy childhood. I want a father who loves me. Oh God, I want what I never can have."

(God speaks:) "What they did to you is wong. But now you are making your own choices for the future. You are building a new life in the light of My love. I am proud of you. Do not despair. I have been with you and I promise to remain with you."

"I want to believe. Each day I choose for the future, but it is hard to remember the pain and anger that sometimes I can't let it go for fear of forgetting again. How do I live without pain, without anger, without a family? I just can't do it myself."

(God speaks:) "I promise you this; I am your light and your salvation. You need not fear. I will never leave you. I will never desert you. Even though your father and others deserted you, I will always care for you. You can believe Me; you will see goodness in life. Put your hope in Me. Be strong."

"I do try, God, but I feel such overwhelming failure. Again and again, I slip back and no longer want to live. Please God, are You sure it's worth the struggle? Do You even remember that I am here?"

(God speaks:) "Hush, Cassandra, Does a woman forget her baby, or fail to cherish the daughter of her womb? Yet even if these forget, I will never forget you. It will be all right. I'm here."

"Okay, I will begin again, God. While the source of pain was forgotten, I could not heal. Now I know. Thank you, God, that I now know. Thanks for the memories. You always did know and You never left me. I don't understand that very much, but thank You. I will try to believe in You and--so much harder--try to believe in myself. Together we will heal, one day at a time."

"God wants to be my comforter against the cold of sorrow and loss. He wants to protect and warm me, and give me rest. He is a solace, and hiding place, and very near to those who mourn."

Okay, God. I'll trust you today.

Mom's out of the hospital now. I'll be talking to her tomorrow, so I'm not sure exactly how she's doing, but I know it's better than before she went in, so that's a blessing.

Our new pastor was at group meeting last night. It had the potential to be awkward, 'cause it's like, how am I supposed to keep up appearances when you show up at one of the few places that I really bare my soul?! I had heard him banging around downstairs prior to the meeting (I was upstairs lying on a couch and reading, since I'd already finished cleaning and I had wiped myself out earlier that day), so I took off my ring and stuffed it in my pocket... just in case. Then, when group started, we all had our eyes closed for prayer, and I thought, "You know what? Screw it. I'm just gonna be myself. He can hate me if he wants to." So I pulled the ring out and slipped it back on my finger, where it remained for the rest of the night. He never said anything. As a matter of fact, I even got comfortable and bared my soul during check-in time. "How was my week? Well... my mom's been in and out of the hospital all week and she just got out of surgery right before we started the meeting and it's been really freaking me out because Larry just died out of the blue and I'm afraid that my mom is going to die too so I've been bargaining with God/trying to grasp at straws for the control that I've basically lost over my life and everyone I love and so I've been seriously contemplating anorexia even though I know it's stupid and will ruin my future and won't actually help me control anything and won't do anything but help me live in denial and make me sick but I've been kinda doing it and so I've lost weight and it makes me feel kinda giddy inside, and... oh, yeah, and I'm struggling with whether or not I actually trust God... but I know for sure now that I believe he exists. That happened about 3 weeks ago." I then went on to explain the bombadier beetle to the group, especially C ("It's a beetle that shoots fire out of it's butt!) and how that comforts me because if God puts that much care into a stupid beetle, then some of that care and creative energy must be directed my way.

Oh, yeah, and they noticed that I'd lost weight. Apparently, since I have those high cheekbones that everyone loves, it's more noticeable when I lose weight. They say "gaunt"... I say "not so much". Anyway, I'm not sure whether to be happy about that or not... and even though everyone says they can tell I've lost weight (not just in my face, the fam says my body is smaller, too, and my collarbones more prominent, which doesn't bother me because I love distinct collarbones), when I look in the mirror, I actually seem to be fatter than before. How can that be possible? It's not drastic.. just maintaining, maybe a little bit wider... but I don't see the loss. I know that I don't want to go full-blown eating disorder, but now that I've lost some weight... I really, REALLY don't want it to come back. I'd much rather maintain, or even drop another five or so.

Now that life is sorta good again, though, I guess I can stop freaking out. Less stress means my appetite will come back.

I made an accomplishment yesterday. I was upset b/c Mom was going into surgery that day, so I went for a walk. I decided to walk up to the next road, which is...? miles, and some of it's uphill. Anyway, it took me about an hour, but I made it there and back in time for lunch, and the most important thing is that I told myself that I could/would do it, and I did! Awesome.

I don't know how I feel now. It's all confused and swirled around inside... like I'm not super-happy, but I'm not sad, necessarily... and I don't really hate myself at this point... there's not much anger floating around in there...

It's so weird how the landscape of emotions is constantly changing. That's the one thing to remember: this, too, shall pass. No matter what it is, it will pass eventually... right?