So in all honesty, Hope's comment on my last post stuck in my mind and irritated me, like a splinter just under the skin or a grain of sand under the lid of your eye. As I am wont to do, I poked and worried at it, trying to figure out why it irritated me so. After all, if we can't learn about ourselves and improve and enhance as time goes on, why bother thinking at all? What's the point of introspection?

Anyway, I think I'm on to something. If you've not been in an intensely abusive, dangerous, or dysfunctional situation for an extended period of time, you won't understand. You just won't. I'll try to explain it in simple terms, though, so that I can get the words out of my mind and my heart, spit them out like gravel so I don't have to chew on them anymore (though truthfully I know they'll be rattling around in the back of my head for weeks to come now, if not longer).

I was raised in a sea of destruction. I never learned how to swim; I simply managed to avoid drowning.

I've never wanted anything more in my life than to be accepted for who and what I am, completely and without reservation.

I don't know how long it is in terms of years, but it's been the majority of my life thus far: I have not been accepted but punished and penalized for simply being myself, for being a child, for being exuberant, for being honest, for being… anything. The disapproval of myself was not just cold disapproval or disdain, it was actual physical danger on top of emotional (and often physical) damage, wounding, and scarring. My mind was broken. My heart was broken, again and again. My trust was broken. Who I could have been, should have been, was shattered, never to be restored to its original glory.

The circumstances I grew up in were such that if I failed to obtain complete approval I was in danger, both metaphorically and literally. I had to be pleasing in all aspects, or I would "get it". I couldn't mess up, couldn't be wrong, couldn't be displeasing in any fashion or I would bring pain upon myself and possibly (probably) others in my family, which is an exquisite form of torture in and of itself for someone as protective of loved ones as I am

All I've ever wanted is to be accepted for who I am. To not be rejected for being myself. To be approved of, to have my efforts thought well of, to be thought highly of for simply... being.

My beloved Desert Rose has mastered the art of disagreeing with what I do at times, yet loving me entirely and accepting who I am. Even when she speaks words of correction, I never feel endangered, challenged, or belittled because I am safe in her love.

My mother has been my safe haven throughout my life. I know that, even if she disagrees with what I'm doing, she never thinks any less of who I am or even of my motives for what I'm doing. She holds me in the highest regard, even if and when I have disappointed or angered her by my actions.

When I receive criticism, words of correction from those who have the best intentions and are just trying to help, well meaning suggestions, out and out disagreements and challenges of my thoughts/beliefs/opinions/courses of action, it is a message emblazoned across the sky that I reject you and your best efforts. You are not enough. (Again.) You have failed. (Again.) I reject you and your efforts. Pain is coming, and whatever negative things you experience are all your fault. Whatever pain occurs to those around you is all your fault. 

If this was the core message that every well-meaning suggestion was automatically translated into without your realizing it, would you not be touchy as well?

I recognize it, to a degree. I recognize it more, now. That doesn't stop the feelings from coming, the sickening swirl of grief and guilt and resentment and anger that simmers in my mind and burns deep in my belly. Something is broken deep inside, something that I personally have no way of fixing, at least not as of right now.

I'm tired. All my energy is used up fighting to survive each day, making sure that I'm still around to smile at my husband when he walks through the door at night. (It's harder than you think.) I don't have the wherewithal to make any changes that I myself don't see the benefit of, and I resent suggestions for change or improvement because it suggests that what I'm doing isn't enough, isn't good enough, that I'm not good enough and if I were then I would be better at handling all this.

I'm starving for affection, for attention, for acceptance… especially now that I'm a crippled, huddled little bird. Oh I'll fight and flutter, all right, but is that simply wasting my life's energy to no end? I can't tell. Am I getting anywhere? I don't know. I'm so raw, so vulnerable, so exposed… so adrift on this stormy sea of uncertainty… So tell me, Hope, how can I know what to expect of people when I've never done this before? I've never been sick like this before, been isolated from friends and family by hundreds and thousands of miles before while having my independence so utterly and completely stripped from me. What would you have me do? What do you want from me?

I am doing the best I can, and exhausting myself with my efforts. It's all I can do to make it through the day. I don't have energy to spare to instruct those around me on how to relate to me. Let them, with their seemingly boundless reserves of energy (in comparison, anyway) figure it out. I'm too tired. Too tired, and too broken.

I just want to be accepted for who I am… rants, ravings, and all. Even if it is completely insensical to expect it from anyone.

Please forgive what I foresee as inevitable silence over the next few days. Not only am I preparing for my party (YAY!), but I have doctor's appointments to attend and schedule, etc.

Okay, really… a large portion of my silence is going to be due to the fact that I went to the big city yesterday for my regularly scheduled pain doc and psych appointments, and basically they were a disaster that pretty much devastated me. I'm very much afraid for my future right now. Good vibes/prayers appreciated.

A couple of positives from yesterday, though, were quality time with my Gramma, which was so nice. She was just the right person to be there with me when I broke down (again and again), and it was great to have another intelligent person who has had experience with the healthcare field as a patient to validate my thoughts, feelings, and interpretation of the experience. Another was that, for the first time, an able-bodied person actually was abashed and apologized to me when they came out of the handicapped restroom stall that I had been waiting for ('cause the walker). At that same rest stop, I had a very fun conversation with a homeless tramp named David. Cool guy. Very nice, and intelligent as well. He just prefers to life the life of the tramp, traveling from one place to another because why not? I envy him, in some ways. I've wanted to do that for a long time.

So, yes. Yesterday was awful. Kenobi is coming over today (and I might see the Gypsy briefly, if I'm lucky), and I plan to buy some booze and drink away the pain of yesterday (a little-- does apple ale really count?) while watching Disney movies. He has this talk about cleaning my craft room (awwww, how sweet!), but I think I'd rather just collapse into apathy and animated movies. Just... meh. If I was feeling "fuck it all" before, today is that feeling times… times… um… a whole bunch more!

I am grateful that I have the pain meds to make it through this month safely in hand, though. So I can enjoy my birthday, and our Celebirthsary, and guess what? My next appointment, which Drogo will try to get time off to take me to, is on our anniversary. Hah. So we'll get to spend our anniversary together after all, albeit under kinda lame circumstances. No matter. I just enjoy being with the man.

And with that, I'm out.

*radio static*

I just got out of a meeting with Father B about our wedding ceremony. He had previously agreed to be our officiant, and after meeting with the photographer I realized that I needed to get cracking on ceremony details. (Who knew that decorations aren't all there is to a wedding?)

Well, there's just this one thing... Father B is very, very Episcopalian. Which is not a bad thing. I've visited his church and pretty thoroughly enjoyed myself, despite the "visitor haze" I always wrap myself in the first couple of times in a new church.

Anyway, the ceremony is also very, very Episcopalian, and he's pretty much tied in regards to what he can change and what he cannot.

It's not bad, but it's very much a church wedding. Which, again, isn't bad, but it isn't exactly what I had envisioned... especially since I'm not "churchy" anymore (even when I was, I still didn't envision the standard church wedding, call me a renegade if you will), and given that C's an atheist, well... He's willing to have some God stuff in the ceremony, but even I'm not totally comfortable with the ceremony. It's just... I mean... I don't really need the Episcopalian church's blessing on my marriage! lol

Here is the "abbreviated" ceremony outline that Father B would follow (since the real formal one just isn't what I want at all).

"...the man and the woman, together with their witnesses, families, and friends assemble in the church or in some other convenient place.

1. The teaching of the Church concerning Holy Matrimony, as it is declared in the formularies and canons of this Church, is briefly stated.

2. The intention of the man and the woman to enter the state of matrimony, and their free consent, is publicly ascertained.

3. One or more Readings, one of which is always from Holy Scripture, may precede the exchange of vows. If there is to be a Communion, a Reading from the Gospel is always included.

4. The vows of the man and woman are exchanged, using the following form:
'In the name of God, I _____, take you ____ to be my wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.'

5. The Celebrant declares the union of the man and woman as husband and wife, in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

6. Prayers are offered for the husband and wife, for their life together, for the Christian community, and for the world.

7. A priest or bishop pronounces a solemn blessing upon the couple.

8. If there is no Communion, the service concludes with the Peace, the husband and wife first greeting each other. The Peace may be exchanged throughout the assembly. (Note: "The Peace" is a greeting, goes something like, 'The peace of Christ be with you', but it gets abbreviated to 'Peace of Christ', or even just 'Peace'. The hippie in me likes the last abbreviation ^_^)

9. If there is no Communion, the service continues with the Peace and the Offertory. The Holy Eucharist may be celebrated either according to Rite One or Rite Two...

So, you can see why I'm having my doubts... I wanted Father B to officiate, to be sure, but... I never wanted an Episcopalian wedding. I always figured I'd get to craft my own ceremony.

Also, been having doubts about the honeymoon. I mean, sure I've priced it out to be like, $800, which is really not a lot of money as far as honeymoons are concerned. However... that's almost a thousand dollars, a sum which could be applied towards the "future home" savings fund. I would rather have a nice home than a trip to Flagstaff any day. Plus we're already planning on taking a trip to the Ren Fair the weekend before the wedding.

So, these two concerns percolated in my mind on the drive home today, and I thought... why don't we do something a little out of the ordinary? I ran the idea past C, and he says he'd have no problem with it, but one logistic would require some thought. I agree, and I'm totally willing to put the work in and compromise some to get a wedding that's way, way more along the lines of what's true to C and I.

What if we hit up a courthouse and get legally married the week before the wedding, go to the Ren Fair as planned but stay in a nice hotel and have that be our honeymoon, then come back and welcome all the friends and family and whatnot and have a nice celebration in the park together as planned? And since we'd be legally married, and we don't care about being blessed by a church, anyone that we wanted to could officiate the ceremony. Then we'd have the freedom to make it exactly what we wanted. C says that the only concern would be finding the right person to do the ceremony, but otherwise he's got no problems with it.

I'm still going to ask C to look over the Episcopal service, on the off chance that he doesn't mind it. But when I mentioned it to him, he gave me the wide eyes and said, "Yeah, well, if you're having second doubts about it..."

Yeah, well...

So, we'll see what evolves from this. The neat thing is that Father B was totally cool with (even promoting!) the idea of getting a justice of the peace if the ceremony isn't something we're comfortable with. And C agrees that he'd still come to the wedding, but as a guest. Since he was the one who did our pre-marital counseling, I really want him to be a part of the wedding somehow, even just as an invited guest. Plus he's a really neat guy. I like him a lot.

Well, I guess you could say I'm having sleep problems. The interesting thing is, though, that after prying myself out of bed, I have a surprising amount of energy to make it through the day. The back and forth pendulum is so odd... to go from "I can't get enough sleep, I'm so lethargic all day" to "I can't fall asleep, I just keep going and going even if I'm tired, I'm practically wired". It's odd.

Actually, part of my problem right now is sleeping in a bed. I have begun to notice a pattern. First, I started having a difficult time falling asleep without C in bed with me. Then, I began having a difficult time falling asleep in bed period. If I went out into the living room, say, or if we hopped in his truck to go somewhere, I'd relax and get sleepy in no time. But when I tuck myself between the blankets and sheets... I'm wound up again.

Could this be a part of the larger scheme of my body revolting in odd ways? Joint and muscle aches, undue tension in odd places, aching teeth (but only on one side!), headaches... etc.

Nearest thing I can figure is that, because I'm dredging up the past (again) and trying to work through stuff, the old associations are coming back? Most of my molestation did happen when I was in bed, alone.

I made a little nest on the floor out of blankets last night, after tossing and turning for over an hour. I was asleep very quickly, though C did have to wake me up and move me to the bed when he retired for the evening (I had all the blankets). Even after that, though, I crashed almost instantly, for the duration of the night.

Even sex has become more difficult for me. Not flashbacks, per se, but emotional flashbacks or triggers or whatever... but I just make it a point to keep my eyes open and watch C, to focus on the present and remind myself that I'm safe, that those gross feelings will pass, and that what I'm doing is good and enjoyable and no-one is going to harm me. I haven't told C about this one, yet... but I may.

I've got my first counseling session tonight. A bit apprehensive. C doesn't think I should be, but I am, because I am afraid that this is going to "ruin my life". Every time I touch this stuff, it explodes all over me... like lancing a boil and winding up covered in pus. Grossed out? You should be. It's gross.

And it makes it very, very hard to function. I just want to be normal!! Yet I know that I have to put the work into recovery to get there... but I think I'd rather just skip the recovery part and go straight to normal, thankyouverymuch.

I guess what I'm really afraid of is that going back to having a hard time will somehow negate all the good I've done and learned recently... that it will prove false any happiness I might have gained. Or, worse yet, that I'm an emotional hypochondriac and there's nothing actually wrong with me except that I don't know how to cope with life. Like all those years I spent going to doctors only to have them tell me I was fine, when I knew that I wasn't! I could play crazy, if only for the validation...

Ahh, but I'm going to Yosemite with friends tomorrow, and there is much preparation to be accomplished. I have to leave in 2 hours, so I'd better get skeedaddle-ing.

Also, my sister K may or may not be going into pre-term labor. She's at the doctor's as we speak...

Took the girls to the water park today. Ohmylanta am I tired... but it was fun. Mostly. Those girls can be very willful, and it's hard to corral them when you're utterly pooped, but it worked out okay. Even the boy's group (all two of the boys lol) came out, and while the girls and boys were bickering at first, they reconciled over lunch and hung out together for the final few hours. And the girls adhered very well to the "let's wear one pieces or otherwise cover up our bikinis because we don't want to be hoochies" dress code.

I took yet another step towards freedom from "what other people think of me" when I wore my bathing suit to the water park... without shorts. I was wearing them at first, because I'm highly self-conscious about my legs, but the shorts were chafing when they were wet and I thought, You know what? Forget this! I don't care if some stranger doesn't like the fact that my thighs jiggle when I walk or that I have cellulite, and I want to have fun with the girls. Off with my pants!


It was a very liberating experience. I was far from the most attractive girl there. (Apparently there are a great deal of very, very attractive girls in Yuma. Who knew?) And it didn't really bother me. I wasn't there to be ogled, I was there to have a good time with my little survivors, and that's what I did. It felt good.

I've been thinking about my life lately.

Questioning, more like.

I just finished up the book "The Dirty Life: On Farming, Food, and Love", which was exceptional. I found myself, however, incredibly baffled and bemused as to why the author, someone so like me, would choose to settle down with someone so infuriatingly crazy as this Mark fellow.

To be fair, she does have misgivings--many, many misgivings. But she ultimately decides that the man she loves and the life he offers her is worth the sacrifice of giving up a part of herself and the goals and ideas she once held.

Here's a few interesting excerpts:

"Mark joked that I was going to Hawaii for my solo honeymoon, but it was a hollow joke. I think we both knew there was a real possibility that I wasn't coming back. I imagined my friends would sigh, say it was just like me, that they'd expected it all along; my parents would roll their eyes and forgive me for putting them through all that drama, and debate the proper thing to do with the wedding gifts.

At the center of my attachment to travel had always been the belief that indeed there is such a thing as escape. You can change everything with one slim ticket. The last time I'd been in the Maui airport, I'd been a girl, twenty years old, and as I walked toward my luggage, I wondered if I would find my free, young self waiting for me there among the airport greeters with their leis, or if I'd murdered her by getting married to a farmer and a farm. I supposed I would find out. Travel tends to grant clarity. Remove all that distracting context and you find yourself staring at cold hunks of truth."

"Watching that guy's collard flutter into his basket was the moment I got married, in my heart. There is no such thing as escape after all, only an exchange of one set of difficulties for another. It wasn't Mark or the farm or the marriage that I was trying to shake loose from but my own imperfect self, and even if I kept moving, she would dog me all the way around the world, forever."

As I said, she is so much like me. And this, too, seems to be the conclusion that I am evolving towards.

"It's never the way you think it'll be, Mark used to tell me. Not as perfect as you hope or as scary as you fear."

I've been having those panicky second thoughts lately.

You see, the euphoric feelings have dimmed, and I am left with the mundane, the every day... the more or less steady, predictable rhythm of responsibilities and the flow of those around me.

I have a hard time with mundane.

There's been quite a bit of drama in the HJ lately, a large portion of it traceable to an individual who, apparently, can't quite thrive without drama of some sort... even if she has to create it.

Now, I'm not one to create drama, but it's easy to sniff disdainfully at someone's handicap until you realize it's your own.

I've come to realize that I'm rather at a loss when not desperately pressed in circumstance. Or, at the very least, depressed. The sheer euphoria of positive feelings, of resolution, so close on the heels of misery, pain, and strain is addicting, to say the least. It's like picking a fight just to make up.

At first I thought this was an inherent flaw, but I realize now that it is a logical outflow of my upbringing. The domestic violence cycle, or even just the dysfunction cycle, goes like this:

The abuse is awful, to be sure, but the reconciliation and the honeymoon phase stand in such sharp relief that it's... well, it's like a drug. And it's hope. Hope that things will get better, that the bad won't come again. I go through this same up and down dance with my depression.

The kicker is that, should the hoped for peace come to pass... you've now become so accustomed to the cycle that you don't know how to live with that peace. At least, I don't. I'm always waiting for the axe to fall, craving it, even. (Could possibly be a part of PTSD, as well...)

And C is so steady, so... steady. I don't know how to handle it. The life he offers me... so... steady. It's obsessively, compulsively compelling at times, yet uneasily repellent at other times. I'm the one that goes up and down, back and forth. He hasn't wavered in his intentions at all.

(P.S.- That cycle totally describes the home front, with R and the kids and Mom... sigh. I was party to that just last Christmas.)

But when I'm wavering, I remember that he is good for me and I am good for him. I have a freedom with him that I have not had with any other relationship. He lifts me up, I lift him up. And, importantly for me, he puts up with all my crazy, and holds me through it. I've been revealing more and more facets of who I truly am to him of late, and he's still implacably by my side. Go figure.

Am I really just frightened of having someone who won't walk away, or give in to drama?

You know, I'd really like to learn how to live in the mundane and be at peace with it. I find myself in an arena of choice... is it worth it, this man that I love and the steady, stable life that he's offering me?

Disaster averted, but not meltdown averted.

I'd admit it-- I cried. No, rather, I sobbed.

I keened my grief and anguish and disappointment in myself and my fears flowed in hot, fast rivulets.

I'm literally broke.

No, take that back. I have two dollars and some change. Wallet, checking account, savings-- everything. That's what it adds up to.

And the funny thing is... it's not like I'm not working. I'm just not getting paid for my work yet... but it's something I believe in fiercely. How can I give that up?

And so I feel like a failure because I just can't seem to make life work. And this means loss of control. I can't trust God, I can't trust myself... what do I do?

What do you do?

I, for one, called my daddy.

I ran over my finances with him, the projected and expected medical bills, and my plans for school finances, and he talked things through with me...

He is not bothered with helping me out when I need it, because I'm trying. I'm not shamelessly mooching, looking for handouts without putting forth effort. I'm trying, and even though it's taking a while, eventually I'll get to the place where I don't need help anymore.

And he understands and appreciates the fact that I want to do it on my own, but encouraged me not to give up just because I need some help now and then.

Still feel down...

...but I recognize that I can't do anything today because it's the 4th of July, and everyone's off. So I must simply be patient and enjoy the holiday.

I'm going to watch the fireworks with a girlfriend tonight, and I'm glad of it.

C and I are discussing my moving in.

Terrifying.

Why? For a number of reasons...

I mean, it's not like I don't want to live together. I made a point to sit down and talk with him about it specifically, because we'd been throwing the idea around a little lately, and I've been practically living at his apartment for the last month or so, for all intents and purposes.... but I didn't want us to just end up "sliding" into a living arrangement for the sake of convenience. I wanted to be sure it was something we both wanted. I want to make sure it's an intentional step in the direction of marriage, rather than something we just fall into.

And he does want me here, which is a relief. Somehow, I'm always still so afraid of rejection, even in the most seemingly secure relationships. But, like all things, he wants me to do this only if it's something I really want to do, not just as a matter of convenience. So we're on the same page, but the thing is... I know that I want this, yet at the same time... I have so many feelings that I just haven't looked at, and I can't fully say "yes" at this moment.

First of all, I'm afraid. I told C that yesterday, and he nailed it on the head-- "You're afraid of settling down, of putting down roots?" Yes, yes I am. C and I talked about that over our lemonade, as well, how I'll probably still go through these periods where I get the urge to run, and I just need to be honest and communicate. Because of our pasts, we're so used to just up and moving on, of constantly picking ourselves up and relocating when we're uncomfortable or feel like we need to. I know I have that tendency, I know I do. But C is so steady, that to live with him, to accept his proposal of marriage sometime in the future, means to be settled. In one place. Like, forever.

I don't know why I'm so afraid of settling down except that it signifies a lack of escape. Trapped, as it were. Yet, if there were any guy I'd want to be "trapped" with, it'd be C. I guess I'm just afraid that I'll find that I'm not happy, or that I made a wrong choice, and then I'll be stuck with no way to make it better and I'll be in this miserable state forever... just like so many of the marriages that I've seen over the past few years... just like Mom.

Oh, snap. I'm afraid of being my mother. I'm afraid of making the same mistakes she did... of marrying someone who seems like a good candidate because I feel it's my only chance, and then finding out that it's probably the worst decision I could have made, but then being trapped because I want to make it work and there are kids involved, and being a single mom is so hard, and...

I guess I'm afraid that if I take the plunge, suddenly everything will change. The happiness I know now will turn on its head, and I will be sad and stuck. Truthfully, things have been going so well lately, I'm just waiting for the axe to fall. How long can I go without having a breakdown? How long can I go without something bad happening? I don't know...

I'm also afraid of what people will think. At least right now, I can deflect the polite inquiries of church-going friends with the base truth that I'm still living at my grandparent's home. There are only a handful of people that know C and I are together, much less planning to marry. However, if I move in with him, I can no longer be evasive in that way. I'll have to tell the truth, to face the disapproval, to face the zealous efforts to win me back to the faith, to expend the energy it takes to be truly authentic and real about who I am instead of still hiding behind the thin veneer of Former Bible Worker... I'll have to actually set boundaries and keep them... instead of lying because it's easier.

God, I've been lying. I've been lying because I'm afraid. I've been lying because I'm so tired of everyone knowing what's best for me, what I should be doing, how I ought to be living, how to "fix" me... I just want to live my own life, my unique, beautiful life, without having to fend off well-meaning efforts to transform me into something I'm not.

And I'm sorry. You know I hate lying. I hate fakers. I hate hypocrites. And you do, too. I'm so sorry. I don't want to be a liar, but I just don't have the courage to be real... but I want to. Can you help me? Help me to be real? Help me not to lie anymore? I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was doing it at first, but once I was, it was too easy to continue. Help me to be wise about this truthfulness, please. Help me.

Another reason why I have hesitancy is simply because there's not much room for me or my things. Gma and Gpa said I can keep some totes in the sheds at their place (and that'll work fine until C and I get a house), and C says I can stack stuff in the corner of his room, and I think that'll pretty much take care of it. But C already has a roommate, and a bunch of guys that crash here on weekends sometimes. So I'm worried about having my "space", my "alone time"... but S is really good about being accommodating. He's very respectful. And I always have the porch, or C's room. And I was coming here to get away from Gma and Gpa's, where I didn't feel like I had a place or space of my own, either... so it's kind of no different... because I didn't have space for my things there, either. Felt like an imposition. I think I'd feel like less of an imposition here...

The big thing for me was that I'm trying to keep Sabbath, but it's hard here, because of DnD on Fri nights, and the guys all hanging around on Saturday for DnD that night... so, unless I take off or lock myself in C's room... but C's days off are changing from Fri-Sat. to Sun-Mon, which means that DnD will move to those nights, which means that there won't be all those guys hanging around and watching dumb tv on Sabbaths, which means that it will be much easier for me to create a Sabbath atmosphere. Worse comes to worse, I could always go hang out at Gma and Gpa's for Sabbath. Or, heaven forbid, start going to church again! lol

Once it cools down, I intend to take the day out in the desert and hike, so that won't be a problem. It's just these accursed summer months, where the days are SO long and it's SO hot... I don't know what to do with myself, and it's frustrating. You can only play guitar for so long...

And, also, I have to remember that it will not be like this forever. This is temporary. C's got vacation time coming up in August, and he wants to use that to house-hunt. I think that when we get a house, things will be a little different. Yeah, the guys will still come over for game night, but C will have his own "man-cave" room for that, and it basically just won't be a little apartment. Things are always more difficult, the less space you have.

I guess the basic question is, do I want to live with C or not? All those "difficulties" can be ironed out. That's a part of life. It will never go "just so".

But do I really want this?

Yes... but still hesitant. I guess I'm just afraid that it will be awful, that the difficulties will be too much, and that I won't like it... that I'll be dissatisfied... that history will repeat itself and that I'll just up and leave again...

I'm afraid to do what we did before, because I don't want it to end the same way.

And, I remember that when I moved in last time, I was so horrifically depressed. I mean, it was so bad... and I know somewhat why. Because I went from being away at school, surrounded by friends, to being alone most of the day. I didn't have friends anymore. I went to church, but then I came home to an empty house. My family had just moved across the country. C and B were my only real meaningful relationships, and I was incredibly lonely. I needed interaction, relationship.

Also, I had no job. I felt like a drain on C. I felt worthless and useless and like a bad person. I had no purpose. I had no hobbies to speak of. I was isolated, trapped, bored... so I baked. And that helped, some. But I was very bored, and aimless.

On top of all that, I had just gone through a summer of canvassing with very conservative folks, and then a year at my denomination's school, culminating in baptism. But my church frowns upon relationships with people who don't believe the same as you do, and especially frowns upon pre-marital sex and living together. That's not the way you do it. It's a sin. So I felt cut off from God, from my church... I lived in a state of condemnation.

And I was depressed.

And I still struggle with depression. I'm so afraid that it'll happen again...

But things are different, now. I'm different.

I'm stronger. I have a purpose. I have hobbies of my own. I have friends, meaningful relationships. I have a job (sort of!). I feel I have worthwhile contributions to make to the relationship. I have stood on my own two feet, and I know I can do that again if I have to. I can be independent if I choose. And... I believe a little differently now about God. I'm not living in that state of condemnation anymore. (Although I think I'm fearful that I'll go right back into it if I make this decision...) I have every reason to believe that things will be different this time around... and yet I am still afraid.

You can make a decision despite fear.

I may end up doing just that.

Note: I read this post to C when I was done, for the sake of communication and honesty. He... wasn't surprised. lol.  He knows I'm afraid, and that led to a side conversation about how (and I quote) "you have a comfort zone of running away". Wow, can he call it or what? It's just hard for me to fathom how blessed I am to have a guy who understands that I'm afraid, who knows that I prefer to run, who anticipates it and is okay with it and isn't threatened by it, and, fore-mostly, who loves me to pieces regardless. (Another quote--"I love you. I would never do anything to hurt you. I love you as much as you know... and then some!" Can we say, "Awwwww"?)

I lost my job today.

I could go into reasons why and what happened and vent my anger and raise my frustrations... but I'm honestly not in the mood right now. I want to get the frustration out, but it's just sitting there, somewhere below my ribcage, and it seems to be shy.

Suffice it to say that there were unspoken expectations in play, along with mixed messages (or mixed interpretation of messages), personality conflicts, and the realization that I really, really dislike being a salesperson. Even if it's not showing up on someone's doorstep, I don't like selling people things.

That's good to know for the future.

But what really gets me is... it's just... I mean, is it me?

Why can't I hold a job? Why do I dislike so intensely the "normal" work scenario?

Why do I keep getting these jobs that seem like a dream come true, only to have them blow up in my face, to find that I dread going to work everyday, to find that my boss is... something other than what I thought they were, to find that I'm trapped in purgatory and I can't get out because I need the paycheck so badly?

Is it me?

Am I really just that hard to work with?

Am I deluded in thinking that I'm a good worker?

What a rollercoaster this week has been...

First, the tv interview and the talent show and Beautiful You...  it was like I was getting this message from everywhere, "You're awesome! You're amazing! You're so strong! You're doing great things!"

And then a few days later, Life is like, "Hah, I was just kidding. You actually suck."

And then I'm all like, "...Mer. I always knew it."

Why do I automatically believe the bad and distrust the good?


Yesterday, my first counseling appointment that I was supposed to have? My appt. was for 2:30, so in the confirmation call, they told me to come at 2. Okay, I can do that. So I show up at 2, only to find that I can't be seen because I was supposed to be there at 1 to fill out paperwork and nobody told me. So now I have to wait another two weeks.

You know the funny thing? I've been trying this whole "give your day to God before you even get out of bed in the morning" thing, and both days I've done that, sucky stuff has happened. And yet, even while it's going on, this little thought bursts through a tiny door in my brain and shouts, "But what if this is paving the way for something more awesome than what you would have gotten if it had gone your way? What if this is part of something better?" And that thought is what has gotten me through with a minimum of freaking-out.

And now I realize the importance of not basing your self-worth on the messages you're receiving from "outside"... because it'll drive you crazy. I've gone from being an awesome, strong survivor to an inept, unsatisfying employee in the span of a few days.

Who do I believe?

I believe... I believe myself. I may not be awesome, but I'm at least okay. And I did my best. No one can fault me for that.

So, to my former boss whom I'm still somewhat ticked at, I simply say, "Your face!" and leave it at that.

As a dear friend pointed out, what's the point of a secret blog unless you can write about your secrets? It's been driving me crazy... I feel like I've been living a double life. I need to blog... but I can't... because I need to keep this secret...

I just found out two days ago that my little sister is pregnant. She is, apparently, a little scared, but mostly excited. She's almost 20.

I don't really know how I feel about it... I mean... I feel sorry for the baby, 'cause she's very moody. But maybe having a child will change some things? Her boyfriend had better be a man and step up to be a part of this child's life, or he's gonna have a colporteur-turned-headhunter hot on his trail.

She's going to stay at home with Mom and R, and the timing is near perfect (as far as these things go), because they just sold the house in IN, and R's been wanting to remodel the house anyway. (They bought it with that intention.) So, now he's going to remodel it so that K has a room and a little nursery area in the basement, J will have a room and bathroom in the basement, and Jr will have his own room upstairs. Mom and R will get a master suite upstairs, as well.

Also, Mom will be around for guidance, to help her. Plus I know Mom is stoked about finally having a grandbaby- she's been bugging me about that for years!

And I almost made her dream come true.

I just don't see how it's fair, really, that K- the immature, moody, not-a-functioning-member-of-society-yet one- gets to keep her baby (so far), and I... I'm having a miscarriage. How is that fair?

Technically, I'm not pregnant, because I haven't gotten a positive test back yet. It was too early to know. But when you know your body... sometimes you just know. Granted, I vacillated between thinking, "Oh yeah, for sure I'm pregnant, there's no way I'm NOT!" and "Yeah, right. I must be crazy! How could I be pregnant? No, I'm certainly making this up, it's all in my head, etc." But the more time went on, the more certain I was. 96% sure.

And now? Now... nothing.

Life will go on as planned, I guess.

And I'm slightly devastated. Just as I predicted.

The whole "I don't want kids, I don't want a family, I don't want to settle down" thing... nothing but a protective shell. If I say I don't want it, then when I don't get it, I won't be crushed. If you don't hope, you can't be disappointed. This showed me that I do want a family, I do want a husband, I do want children... and I really wanted this baby.

I mean, sure, it was going to completely screw up my life, and I was scared as all get out, but... it's a child. My child.

I didn't tell anyone, for understandable reasons. I mean, it wasn't even confirmed yet. And there's always that off chance that I was wrong, and that there was something else accounting for my typical pregnancy symptoms.

But I knew. And I allowed myself to get excited, to look towards the future...

It was going to be a baby girl, I think.

But now it's nothing.

I'm still cramping, in a lot of pain, and bleeding, but the bleeding hasn't gotten very heavy yet, and I haven't passed any big clots yet, so.... maybe there's still a chance? *Revision: I think it's too late, now...*

I'm trying everything I can to keep this baby. I can't bring myself to dismiss this situation with a trite, "The Lord Knows Best", because my heart is aching and bleeding too.

But either way... Mom gets to be a Gramma. And I look forward to holding my first niece or nephew. A December baby, I think, which coincides perfectly with my annual visit home! :)

And it was pretty funny that K and I were pregnant at the same time... Poor R. lol.

I don't know how this will all turn out. But I know that I have a lot of people that will love me regardless of what happens... and that's a great comfort.

Good old Evanescence... always echoing the cry of my darkened heart...

Broken
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph;
I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away

Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore

The worst is over now and we can breath again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I'm strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore

My Heart Is Broken
I will wander 'till the end of time torn away from you.

I pulled away to face the pain.
I  close my eyes and drift away,
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul.
And I will wander 'till the end of time,
Torn away from you.

My heart is broken.
Sweet sleep, my dark angel,
Deliver us from sorrow's hold...over my heart.

I can't go on living this way,
But I can't go back the way I came,
Chained to this fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul.
And I will wander 'till the end of time,
Half alive without you.

My heart is broken.
Sweet sleep, my dark angel,
Deliver us.

Change - open your eyes to the light.
I denied it all so long, oh so long.

My heart is broken.
Release me, I can't hold on.
Deliver us.

My heart is broken.
Sweet sleep, my dark angel,
Deliver us... from sorrow's hold.

Today... was a good day. Yeah, it was.

As I learn more about free choice and personal responsibility, it becomes easier to spend time with my family. As I told my sis, J, though... I don't want to live here full-time. The family's just still too... dysfunctional?... for that. But that's okay. God's working with us. He's healing, I know he is. I can see it.

So we got up late, and ate breakfast around 11. I made tahini-basil polenta, R made coffee-cake, Mom fried up some chicken and beef bacon, and we had some fruit.

Then we sorta tidied up (sorta! lol) and headed into the living room for gift opening. I think we probably got started on them around noon, and we got done around two. Our family has a tradition of going around the circle, youngest to oldest, each person opening one gift at a time. That way the entire family can appreciate the gift and the giver... and the reaction :)

I received many lovely gifts (I had the most out of everyone! Everyone else finished opening theirs, and I still had a whole stack to go. A little ironic, since I'm the one that dislikes money spent on me the most lol), and they're pretty much all practical. Jr. got me a set of matryoshka (Russian nesting doll) measuring cups that are SO CUTE! And Mom and R got me a set of teeny, stacking measuring spoons that are just perfect. I got face wash and body spray, a couple of cookbooks dedicated exclusively to soups (I love soup!), a jar of Amish Apple Butter, a notebook, a cluster of colored pencils made out of sticks, some sticky notes that look like an apple (quite clever!), a hat/scarf set in grey, foot-pampering lotion and soak from Mary Kay, a miniature hot glue gun, some ink for my fountain pen, and a button/pin that says "Meh." on it :) Oh, yes, and the piece de resistance, a Swedish Chef plush doll!! Yay! I had a Swedish Chef, but he mysteriously disappeared during one of my many moves. I don't know what happened to him, quite frankly. I know he's not at C's, but he's just... gone. :( But now he has been replaced! I'm so happy :)

I asked Mom if perhaps, next year, she and R would consider getting me just one or two things (since gifts are her love language, and she would be most unhappy if I didn't accept anything from her) and then donate to a couple of charities of my choice in my name? She said she thinks that would be okay, so that's a hopeful thing to look forward to for me. I choose Amazima and Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch.

After presents, we pulled out The Game of Life that K had gotten, and played a game. I ended up making potato tacos in the middle of it, but it was a long game! Fun, though. I look forward to trying it again. Mom popped their turkey in the oven mid-afternoon, and we had a "fancy" Christmas supper, complete with nice plates and wine glasses- turkey, stuffing, broccoli, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes and gravy, dinner rolls, and perch for me. (I've never had perch before, but it was really good!!!) Oh, yes, and Martinelli's sparkling apple cider. No festive occasion is complete without Martinelli's.

Then we had dessert while watching Horton Hears A Who. The fam had pumpkin pie, I had mint chocolate chip coconut ice cream. Mmmmm.... Then the kids started playing Call of Duty again, and I pulled out the Count of Monte Cristo for some quality time with Edmond Dantes.

I've realized, upon being here... my family has contributed in a great way to the development of my personality. I mean, really. It's so strange being around 5 other people who crack jokes like I do, who goof around like I do, who quote movies and break into song like I do... I mean, I fit. This is where it came from. It's a trip... and yet, very refreshing and calming. Wow, I'm not the only one! I don't agree with all the humor, of course, and they know that, but they're good about keeping it clean for me.

R mentioned on the way home from the airport that he wants to talk to me about school. He's not aware of any of the details of my plans, just vague generalities. He didn't even know it was a two-year associate's program. But he did throw out this suggestion (which I promptly dismissed as not an option)- if I wanted to stay in Y and go to AWC for a degree in social work, staying with my grandparents, he and Mom could probably cover my tuition.

Whoa, hello! What an offer! But I told him I didn't want to, partially because I want to try to do this myself, you know? And partly because I know they're struggling financially already, and I will not impose the burden of my education upon them.

Right. He did say, however, that I could pay them back afterward, like a school loan, and, quite frankly, I'd rather be indebted to my kin than the government or a large, capitalist establishment. So I told him, why don't you just pay my way through massage school?! LOL. That's when it came out that he didn't realize what course of study I was pursuing, exactly, so he said we'd talk about it later, as we had arrived at the house and Mom was impatiently awaiting my departure from the truck. We haven't had a chance to talk about it yet, but we will. He won't forget that discussion, and neither will I. We shall see.

I still fully intend to go to this massage school come September.

Another opportunity arose, though, when a friend of mine called me up and said I should come work on a farm in eastern Az until school starts. Wouldn't that be super cool?! But the draw of working with the Healing Journey is just so powerful that I can't dismiss it, nor do I want to. I am toying with the idea, though, of going for a month this summer, like July. J will be there too, and that would be a super awesome aggie party- roomies reunited. Bliss. JC will be there, too, and we've always gotten along well. He's a neat guy, and we have fun. Plus the O's are there, and that's, of course, a huge draw.

Food would be, of course, my big concern (as always). It's hard to work with an operation like that and find time to prepare special meals. :-[ The curse of my life... (although, I have found that having food allergies has really helped me make healthier food choices. A lot of times, even though I want something, I simply can't have it, and that makes saying "No" infinitely easier. Somehow, I need more severe ramifications than a ruffled conscience.)

It is now 4 am. I think I should fall asleep now. I haven't stayed up this late in a very long time... especially when nothing is wrong. Usually, it's when I'm having a battle with darkness that I'm up all night. Tonight, though... I just didn't feel like sleeping.

Coming down to the wire. I'm packing my room, and it's a total mess. It's driving me nuts. But I'm getting rid of a lot of stuff, downsizing again.

I just may be able to fit all my possessions in my Buick again. That'd be nice.

I don't like the feeling of having more stuff than I can take with me.

I've got a lot going on right now, besides just school. That Christmas Concert is becoming a love-hate engagement. Who knew it took so much work to plan even a simple event? *sigh*

And Adventurers is a lot of work. Honestly, I'm glad I'm leaving. It gives me a chance to step out gracefully, because there's really no one else around who would/could help out. Ahh, the challenges of a small church... It'll be SO different down south. There are more churches than you can shake a stick at, and many of them have Sabbath school classes the size of our entire church!

I don't think I'm working at the bakery this week. Mixed blessing. I sure could use the cash, but the Lord blessed last payday, and I had enough to buy Christmas gifts, which I wasn't sure I would. I've got a housecleaning job after I get back from WI that should net me about a hundred bucks. I keep forgetting that I'm used to calculating gas for a round trip to and from Cali, but this time, it's a one-way. So that hundred bucks might actually get me there.

If not, I mean, I can always panhandle for a while, right? ;)

I guess the reality is finally setting in that I'm leaving, and I'm excited/dreading it. I mean, it's always exciting, moving on to the "next thing", but I know that the grass really isn't any greener on the other side, and life is not a bed of roses. I'll have struggles and pains and worries, and this time I won't have a family around me. It'll just be me. No buffer. Just me and God against the world.

On the other hand, I'm getting restless. I catch myself thinking (especially when I'm annoyed about something), "Yeah, just wait. I'll be outta here soon. Just a little longer..."

There's so much I'll miss, though. I love this place. Idaho has captured my heart. The people have won my admiration, respect, and loyalty. (And, at times, bemusement.)

If it's up to me, I'll be back.

But on the other hand... what if there's somewhere else equally amazing out there?

I've begun compiling a list of the adventures I'd like to have, including but not limited to:

-Hiking Half Dome
-Visiting all 7 of the 7 Wonders of North America (still)
-Hiking Mt. Whitney
-Backpacking across Az
-Taking a summer to backpack across the U.S. and see how far I get
-Visit Alaska
-Go hiking and dog sledding in Alaska
-Paint balling with K
Etc.

I can't remember them all right now.

Regardless... I'm ready for another adventure. The drive to WI really revved me up. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, and I loved the independence of it. I'm not scared to travel by myself. I've been doing it for years. (Although... it is nice to have a traveling buddy, but one of the same mindset.)

This song has been running through my head lately.

I'm gonna go pack up some more of my room.

The walls and dressers are so bare... it doesn't look like anyone lives here anymore. :(

...I enjoyed work yesterday. I awoke heavy with the dread of it, but found myself smiling, laughing, meeting and enjoying the challenges of the day, and, indeed, finishing well.

What a gift from God. I surely didn't expect that.

D's doing as well as can be expected. I don't really have any news other than that. Here's an excerpt from a letter I'm writing to a friend:


"I don't feel anything about the situation. Not scared or upset or relieved or pensive or... anything. Before they left, I did choke up at the thought of him not coming back, but since then... I guess I've realized that he's not my father. I'd be very, very grieved if he were to pass away, but... not in the same way that J or K would. I have R, but truly... I have no father but God. Maybe that's what it is? I dunno. It's just rather weird to be so apathetic in the midst of such a maelstrom of emotion.


Another thing that's weird is this juxtaposition of two very distinct seasons of life-- D's life may very well be drawing to a close. Yet, in the midst of this "Autumn", my plans for the future are coming together-- "Spring", as it were. It's like kicking through the fall leaves and uncovering a daffodil. The two are seemingly incongruous, yet the sheer impossibility of it lends a majesty, solemnity, and beauty that would not otherwise be there. A daffodil doesn't stop you in your tracks when they are all in bloom. And I feel that, because of the solemn circumstances that surround my plan-laying (a cocoon comes to mind), I am receiving a special gift. I don't know what it is yet, but I can feel that important pieces are being laid in place. Something big is coming, and with the passing of time, I will look back on my daffodil amongst the leaves with gratitude and awe. Yes, and reverence too, for I know that God is weaving himself into every little detail."


That's where I am right now. 

A lot to process lately.

What do you do if you were sure you were where God wants you, only to find that things are changing, and the very reasons you thought God wanted you in a certain place are no longer good reasons?

Yeah.

I'll be leaving the S's soon. Soon meaning... well, I don't know when. But I don't think it's wise to start the support group at this time.  However, I did get good practice setting it all up, and who's to say I can't take it with me where I go next? No one. I'm going to do it, still, even if it's not in Idaho.

I called D and told him that I've decided to go to massage school, but I don't know where yet. Does he want me to come up there where he is? There are a couple massage schools there. He said he'd call me back. It's been almost a week now, haven't heard from him, though he said he'd call back in a day or two.

I realized today why that bugs me so badly when he does that--my mom did the same thing all the time when I was a kid. "I'll be there in an hour" meant "see you in three to four hours". Drove me crazy. She's better now, but I still hate it when people do that. It's like they don't care enough to stick to their word.

Anyway... I'm researching schools and filling out my FAFSA and all that fun stuff. It seems to me that C is thinking that I need to be moving out soon... she says not before January, and I agree, but I had initially been thinking summer or fall. She's thinking more like spring, early or late. I'd like to stick around for my birthday, at least. It's not just the S's I'm thinking of, though I live with them-- I have friends here, and engagements.

Just... a lot to think through. I've kind of become numb, of sorts. Juneaux is an indoor-outdoor cat now, because I simply don't care enough to worry about him like I used to. I love him, but... he's just a cat. He's not my lifeline. If he gets hurt, or killed, I'll be devastated, but I'll survive. And he's so much happier being outside... it's not worth the effort to keep him in all the time anymore.

I feel the same about D. I can take him or leave him at this point. It's like, look dude-- if you want to try this thing out, then let's do it. If not, then great, I'm moving on and moving away. Make up your mind. Do you want me or not?

Maybe I'm coasting. Maybe I'm in survival/defense mode. I don't care. All I know is it's working.

(Oh, yeah, and I've been fasting/cleansing for four whole days now. That is a record for me- I hate going without food!!)

It's amazing how much stress can affect the body. I got sick, like, real sick-- a fever, abdominal cramps (and all that accompanies that), loss of appetite, etc.

However, after spending the afternoon and evening in bed, and sleeping 13 hours last night, I found my fever broken this morning, and I feel much better. I even did the dishes. :)

My appetite's still AWOL, but I'm sure it will resurface eventually.

C sat me down yesterday morning as we were preparing (scurrying, really) to take off. She said that as she was having her worship, God impressed her that she needed to let me know that I didn't have to go,  I wasn't obligated to the family or to D and C, and it's okay if I wanted to stay.

Well, I did want to stay. I didn't really want to go, and I wasn't feeling well to boot. So, I stayed.

I've realized that I have to stop trying to "save" the family. I want to be supportive, yes. But how do I do that without trying to assume responsibility for their happiness, welfare, and stress level? Hmmmm...

And I've had these crazy ideas about moving to a different state floating around in my head... Like, hello, that's probably just your escapism going into overdrive!

J and I were talking last night. She helped me to see that I'm, well, rather impulsive. I tend to go from one extreme to another. *Sigh* If only I were a steady person... I try to be. I think I'm doing better. But how much is really just my personality? And is it a bad thing to be this way? And does God work with me being this way, or is he trying to turn me into something else so I can finally interact with him the way I'm supposed to?

How does God speak to people? Like, how does he guide them? Because so many times, I'm praying about decisions and hoping against hope that the decision I'm making because I think that's the direction God wants me to go is really what he wants me to do and I'm not missing something somehow and doing the exact opposite of what he wants me to do. Does anyone else ever feel that way? Or am I the only one? I don't trust my impulses on the big stuff. When it comes to buying a gift for someone, sure, I trust that. I pray about it, I keep looking until I find what I'm looking for, even if I don't know what I'm looking for (if that makes sense). When I see it, I just know. But how come that doesn't work for the big things?

Or does it?

Am I just making things too complicated?

Quite possibly, yes.

Gah.

A dearth of internet, or opportunities to use the internet, or somesuch. In any event, it seems as though I can't quite catch the internet while it's on, or when I do, I am lacking either the time or inclination to blog.

Life goes on, with or without the internet.

I just wish that I'd hear something from D. It's been almost 2 weeks. I hope he's alright.

This last week, we had an amazing camp pastor, Pastor D. She was incredible. Her messages were simple, powerful, spoken in love, and so applicable. I didn't get to hear many of them, because I was in the kitchen most of the time, but what I did hear was amazing... and exactly what I needed. It was encouragement, straight from the throne of God :)

So I wrote her a letter, thanking her for her ministry, and telling her that. She responded by finding me for a great, deep conversation on Sunday morning, which she followed up with by writing the "bullet points" of the conversation in a letter to me so I would remember. (Part of why the conversation was so powerful is that she and her daughter have been through the pain of sexual abuse as well.) Here's the letter:

"Dear C,
   I am so glad God enabled us to have such a wonderful conversation. These are the highlights of our conversation that you asked me to write in a letter:


1) God loves you exceedingly, greatly, and abundantly more than you can ever ask or imagine. He will reveal this in your life as he did in mine through your trust in Him. He showed me His love directly one evening as I watched my 10 year old daughter sleeping and thought:
"L, will you blame me for what has happened to you? I don't know if you can understand this now, but I couldn't have stopped it from happening. But I spared myself nothing from being with you and sharing your pain. I am all scarred as a result- that is how much I love you."


 I went to bed shortly afterwards, and as I placed my head on the pillow with my heart throbbing in pain, I heard God speaking to me:
"D, will you blame me for what has happened to you? I don't know if you can understand this now, but I couldn't have stopped it from happening. But I spared myself nothing from being with you and sharing your pain. I am all scarred as a result- that is how much I love you!"


I never knew how much I was loved by anyone until that moment.


2) God did not will the evil of abuse on you, but He did will for you to pass through it- in other words- to hang on your own cross next to Him as you suffered through the evil that is done in this world at the prompting of the great deceiver himself. The evil one desires to separate you from God forever and neutralize your power as a force for God's kingdom through your anger and distrust of God as a result of your abuse.


  But your faith in God even through your suffering (see Ps. 22:24-28) makes your life a powerful witness for the kingdom of God. In your brokenness the light of God's love will blaze through and people will be drawn to the light of His love shining through your life.


3) You are an amazingly beautiful woman- body, mind, and soul. Abuse is so devastating because it causes us to doubt our beauty and our worth. God will use all of your experiences (both good and bad) to mold you and shape you into the lovely, unique woman He designed you to be. You were in His thoughts before the creation of this world and He conceived your life in love and will hold you and keep you in His love-- both now and forever.


4) God has a special person prepared to share this life with you--a person who will love you and cherish you. I am praying for you and for the one God has prepared for you.


5) You have a very special purpose and ministry--especially through music. People will be drawn by the power and spirit of your voice and music--especially children. I am excited for the purpose and plans God has for you. You will not understand the full impact of your ministry in this life. Together we will understand it in eternity when God wipes all the tears from our eyes and we can see clearly and completely.


I hope that you are able to rest this next week and continue to find healing--body, mind, and soul-- in the arms of God.


Much love,
D W"

Pretty amazing, huh?

The conversation that we had, and the following letter, brought to my attention the fact that I am resistant to my own importance. Does that make sense?

It is so, so, so difficult for me to believe that God has prepared anything for me above mediocrity. Me? A warrior? You've got the wrong person. A powerful ministry? I think you are mistaken.

The conversation dusted off a wall around my heart that I had been hiding. I've felt it there before, but I think that the walls preceding it have been torn down enough to where I really feel this one now.

I know that God loves me. I know that I can trust him. But... I just don't know how I can believe that God actually enjoys me. Like His love is an obligation, he's duty bound to love me, but he doesn't really like me. And having great plans for me? Why would he do that if he doesn't even like me? No, more likely he'd put me on a back shelf somewhere, part of his collection, but not a very important part.

That's the wall. The wall that is resistant to... to what? How do I even describe this? But it holds me back. It chains me down. It's this wall that confines me within the wastelands of uncertainty and doubt of my own worth, of other's estimations of me, of my ability to participate within a relationship without driving the other person away... What do I call this thing? How do I describe it?

Yet it binds my every move, inhibiting my heart... and I do not know how to be free of it.
Indeed, I do not know if I want to be free, because even a wasteland is comforting if you've lived there long enough.

Today's the day. I'm all packed up and moved back into my car, ready to head to another cabin. The only thing that's waiting is for me to head down to "Headquarters" and receive my cabin assignment to move in there.

One of the other counselors flew in last night and spent the night in my cabin. It was nice to have someone around when I got up this morning... even if Boss did wake me up when he brought her to my house. (10:45!)

So... we'll see what the summer holds. If it's anything like the last couple of weeks, it's going to be a doozy. Lots of learning experiences. As D and I were discussing the difficulties I have with the Boss, he said, "Maybe you're not supposed to enjoy the summer." Thanks, D, for the uplifting and encouraging thought. lol. He clarified, and what he meant was that maybe this summer is not supposed to be a happy, carefree, easy summer for me, but a hard one, for growth and character development.

Whatever God brings my way, I'll be okay with... eventually. I know I don't like the tough times when they're here, but usually I can look back on them as some of my favorite times.

So... anticipation, excitement, and trepidation are all vying for a place in the forefront of my mind. I'm just going to take it as it comes.

Hang on to your buttons, kids!

It's funny... how when someone gives me advice... my brain almost always interprets it as You're hearing this because you're doing it wrong! Even if the advice is just "Hey, watch out for this pitfall that you might run into" stuff. Like today.

C, dear C... and M. I enjoy them so much, and I'm so happy to see them happily married. I've been there for most of the whole thing- helped C through many a rough spot when she wasn't sure about M, then she was, then there were trials, then she was madly in love... so on, so forth. And M and I are very similar in our bluntness and openness. We click well.

And so, upon finding out that I am in a relationship, they proceeded to give me advice, because they care about me. I treasure it. I just wasn't sure I wanted to hear it. Because now my mind won't rest... it's playing and replaying all my conversations with D, thinking, Did I do it right? Was that peace false? Is my happiness a farce, a false apparition? Did I even do the right thing in entering this relationship? Aaaaaaah!

Especially after I shared some of the details regarding how we got together... my friend warned me that providences aren't the most solid way of determining God's will. So... great. That totally undermines my trust in God's leading that I've experienced. Thanks. I know you didn't mean it that way, but it's slightly devastating to me, especially since I've been struggling with trust so much anyways.

Maybe you just don't understand how much of a baby Christian I am... SOULS aside, I'm a fledgling! I'm still struggling with some of the basic tenets and principles of our faith! Forget prophecy and proof texts... I am struggling to trust God right now!

And another thing... I almost dread the question, "So how old is this guy?" Because I fear the inevitable shock and questioning to follow. Yes, he's older than I am... by quite a few years. So what? And, yes, he has a rough past. I'm well aware that this could cause problems down the road... but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I have a rough background, too. I made mistakes as well- big ones. But you are enthusiastic about me, so why not him? Ah, it's because you don't know him. That's why. You fear for me, because you love me. I understand.

I did realize, while driving home, that no matter whether others think I'm doing it wrong, or that I've made a mistake, or that I could do better, or whatever... ultimately, I am the one who has to live with my choices. I need to be pure before God, and settled in my own heart. As for the rest of 'em... they aren't my conscience.

But I am trying to value their input, and not be defensive. I know it's given in love. I just hate the onslaught of second-guessing that follows.

Oh, yeah... and she instructed me on the art of feminine mystique... Don't throw open the shutters to my heart right away. We all agree that I'm a very open person (which they called "refreshing" and "a good thing"), but when it comes to relationships, I have to make him pursue me, apparently.

Can't I just be myself? I mean... that's the person he likes, right? Ugh. This is confusing...


Good news. I'm hungry for the one of the first time in days. I'm going to eat something while this lasts. I haven't been eating much.