When first I came here I had hope,
Hope for I knew not what. Fast beat
My heart at the sight of the tall slope
Or grass and yews, as if my feet
Only by scaling its steps of chalk
Would see something no other hill
Ever disclosed. And now I walk
Down it the last time. Never will
My heart beat so again at sight
Of any other hill although as fair
And loftier. For infinite
The change, late unperceived, this year,
The twelfth, suddenly, shows me plain.
Hope now--not health, nor cheerfulness,
Since they can come and go again,
As often one brief hour witnesses--
Just hope has gone forever. Perhaps
I may love other hills yet more
Than this: the future and the maps
Hide something I was waiting for.
One thing I know, that love with chance
And use and time and necessity
Will grow, and louder the heart's dance
At parting than at meeting be.
{Edward Thomas}
To run or not to run?
regarding: processing
Mmmmm... not!
I feel better, if somewhat numb. Glad I have space to myself. I had a good convo with J, who lauded the growth she sees in me. In our conversation, I stumbled across a very simple, yet very profound concept.
Same feelings + different reaction = growth!
Anyway, I can choose to go elsewhere if God leads me to a settled conviction that it's the right thing, but I won't be running. I am different in that respect, at least.
And a pertinent question was raised-- how much of these things are unfortunate circumstances, and how much is actual character flaws that need work? Good question. There are a few things that I would say are the product of unfortunate circumstances-- violations of unspoken expectations, hurts and hangups of all parties involved that need healing, etc.
There are a few things that I would say are things I need to work on for my sanity and the sanity of those around me. The question is... how to go about doing that?
It's a bit overwhelming, quite frankly.
It's funny, but this whole situation reminds me of the last Market of the first year I lived here. I was bumping along, thinking I was doing the right thing and helping and being such a great person, and the S's were very distressed and upset because I wasn't helping like they thought that I would or should... but no expectations were voiced, and I had no idea that I was violating them. All I knew was there was tension and upset, and I couldn't figure out why.
So, anyway, now I get to go off to church and smile and pretend that I'm normal.Yippee. I said I'd help with song service, so I have to go, plus there's a meeting, so... at least I feel better. Thank goodness.
Oh, yes, and I was thinking yesterday... about how very unfair it is that I don't have a dad. I've got R, and I love him, and he loves me, but... he's got walls of his own. My whole family is that way. We love each other, but it's more like... well... what is it like? Well, I guess it's more like a guy who married a woman with four kids and is still learning how to be a dad. Lol. If I had a dad from the get-go, he'd have 23 years of practice, instead of 5. That makes a difference.
How come I didn't get a family, a real family? Why did I grow up with the shattered mockery of a family that I did? Maybe it's because I could handle it... I think about J or K trying to survive something like that, and I know that it would crush their souls. (Like it didn't crush mine? lol) They're, how do you say, daddy's girls? They need that tender love and affection that their parents lavish on them, like little seedlings. J is really struggling because her parents can't be there for her right now like they always have, and I'll confess that I don't really understand. I'm like, what's the big deal? Put on your big girl panties and get on with life.
But that's a very callous response, because just as they have no clue what it is to grow up without a family or a father, or indeed with an enemy for a father, I have no clue what it is to grow up with a steady and inexhaustible supply of healthy familial and parental love. I do, of a sort, because my mom has always been there, but it was more like we were allies, sisters, friends than mother and daughter.
We do not, cannot, understand the other party's experience, because we were raised so fundamentally opposite. How interesting. (Just how did I think that I was magically going to fit in? I laugh at myself sometimes.)
And as much as I luxuriate in the safety and stability that living with a family provides... that darn independent streak keeps screaming out to me that I'm not cut out for family life. I need to be out on my own. But I do enjoy the economic stability. That's my greatest discomfort and fear about living on my own again.
Okay, I really need to go get ready for church. But it feels good to get this stuff out... like popping a pimple or cleansing a wound. Hehe.
I feel better, if somewhat numb. Glad I have space to myself. I had a good convo with J, who lauded the growth she sees in me. In our conversation, I stumbled across a very simple, yet very profound concept.
Same feelings + different reaction = growth!
Anyway, I can choose to go elsewhere if God leads me to a settled conviction that it's the right thing, but I won't be running. I am different in that respect, at least.
And a pertinent question was raised-- how much of these things are unfortunate circumstances, and how much is actual character flaws that need work? Good question. There are a few things that I would say are the product of unfortunate circumstances-- violations of unspoken expectations, hurts and hangups of all parties involved that need healing, etc.
There are a few things that I would say are things I need to work on for my sanity and the sanity of those around me. The question is... how to go about doing that?
It's a bit overwhelming, quite frankly.
It's funny, but this whole situation reminds me of the last Market of the first year I lived here. I was bumping along, thinking I was doing the right thing and helping and being such a great person, and the S's were very distressed and upset because I wasn't helping like they thought that I would or should... but no expectations were voiced, and I had no idea that I was violating them. All I knew was there was tension and upset, and I couldn't figure out why.
So, anyway, now I get to go off to church and smile and pretend that I'm normal.Yippee. I said I'd help with song service, so I have to go, plus there's a meeting, so... at least I feel better. Thank goodness.
Oh, yes, and I was thinking yesterday... about how very unfair it is that I don't have a dad. I've got R, and I love him, and he loves me, but... he's got walls of his own. My whole family is that way. We love each other, but it's more like... well... what is it like? Well, I guess it's more like a guy who married a woman with four kids and is still learning how to be a dad. Lol. If I had a dad from the get-go, he'd have 23 years of practice, instead of 5. That makes a difference.
How come I didn't get a family, a real family? Why did I grow up with the shattered mockery of a family that I did? Maybe it's because I could handle it... I think about J or K trying to survive something like that, and I know that it would crush their souls. (Like it didn't crush mine? lol) They're, how do you say, daddy's girls? They need that tender love and affection that their parents lavish on them, like little seedlings. J is really struggling because her parents can't be there for her right now like they always have, and I'll confess that I don't really understand. I'm like, what's the big deal? Put on your big girl panties and get on with life.
But that's a very callous response, because just as they have no clue what it is to grow up without a family or a father, or indeed with an enemy for a father, I have no clue what it is to grow up with a steady and inexhaustible supply of healthy familial and parental love. I do, of a sort, because my mom has always been there, but it was more like we were allies, sisters, friends than mother and daughter.
We do not, cannot, understand the other party's experience, because we were raised so fundamentally opposite. How interesting. (Just how did I think that I was magically going to fit in? I laugh at myself sometimes.)
And as much as I luxuriate in the safety and stability that living with a family provides... that darn independent streak keeps screaming out to me that I'm not cut out for family life. I need to be out on my own. But I do enjoy the economic stability. That's my greatest discomfort and fear about living on my own again.
Okay, I really need to go get ready for church. But it feels good to get this stuff out... like popping a pimple or cleansing a wound. Hehe.
Crying in the shower
regarding: conflict, confusion, rebellion, save me save me save me
A million thoughts spin through my head like constellations, colliding, connecting, dissolving, and re-entering orbit. I could get an apartment in town for a couple of months... I know the restaurant is always looking for waitresses... Or, I could move to Y for those few months until school starts. I have enough cash to get me down there, and my grandparents would surely have room for me. Shoot, they’d even feed me, more or less. And I’m sure I could find odd jobs-- seasonal work. It’s that time of year. I bet E would be thrilled to have me there. I could help with the support groups, or at least attend. I need something like that right now. Hmm... I could even go down to where the school is, get a job, and get a place.
The main focus of all the thoughts refracting through the prism of my preoccupation is GET OUT!
I’m partially accepting this graciously, as a chance to grow and learn. I’m partially being transported back to my childhood, to another “talk”, with much the similar theme.
6th grade, and I’m one of the “big kids”, though I don’t feel like it. Maybe because I skipped a grade, and I’m too young, really, or maybe because of my chronic insecurity? Either way, the 7th and 8th graders are cool, and I’m not, but I desperately want to be liked and accepted- by them, by the adults, by anyone. Unfortunately, the very things I thought were assets, bonuses, tools at my disposal, are the things that annoy them so intensely.
My favorite teacher ever, Mrs. C, calls me back in to the classroom after class is out. My peers are gathered there, and they proceed to have an “intervention” of sorts. In retrospect, I admire Mrs. C deeply for the way she handled what must have been a tricky situation. That confrontation was a very open, healthy way of dealing with the issues that had probably been bubbling under the surface for some time.
I, however, didn’t see it at the time. All I saw was pain and rejection, blinding me as they listed off my trespasses. (So, logically, if I stop doing the things they don’t like then... I’ll be accepted?!) I had early on realized that I got approval and acceptance from the adults by being smart, so I milked it. I got straight A’s. I did my homework. I love to read, naturally, and I cultivated that trait. I read the dictionary sometimes, just to learn new words. And, in school, I corrected people who mispronounced words while they read out loud. (I just wanted to help! If I was mispronouncing a word, of course I would want to know, so why shouldn’t they? Logical, right? lol) I was too smart, too loud, too know-it-all for the other kids to handle. My gift had become my curse, because I didn’t know how to handle it.
One specific phrase I remember clearly. “We know that things aren’t good at home, and you’re having a hard time with your dad...”
That’s when I started fighting back tears. I didn’t cry in front of them (Victory!), but I did start sobbing into Mrs. C’s embrace once they left. This was the point in my life when things were about at their worst. My “dad” was actively molesting me, psychologically and physically abusing my sister and I, and totally ignoring us otherwise. Mom was working, trying to support 4 kids and one adult child, and soon she would kick my “dad” out. At that point, I would pretty much take over care of my siblings, because he wasn’t doing what he agreed to, and my mom was working nights as well as trying to overcome mono. Life sucked, and that casual phrase struck deep. How could they even know the depths of my agony, my intense craving for love and acceptance? They couldn’t.
Flash forward six or seven years. I’m with C now, and we live together, engaged to be married. Finally, I’ve found the one who loves me no matter what, through thick and thin, despite my issues and background and family and everything... In fact, he even likes the very things about me that I dislike! He likes everything about me! Wow, this is great!
(Except... my belief in God. That’s a point of contention between us. But, hey, that’s what happens when you date an agnostic, right? No problems there, I can live with this...)
One of my strengths is networking. I make friends fast, and pretty well, and I’m a generally likable person. So I have a large network of friends, especially in the church that I grew up in. C, however, sees this as a weakness. I need to learn to be self-sufficient, to not depend on anyone. Relationships are weakness. Once again, my gift becomes my curse, and I am not good for having it. (He never did catch the dichotomy between being dependent on him, which was okay, and being dependent on others, which was not good. Interesting...)
Bible college. A leadership school. Being strong and take-charge is encouraged, cultivated, praised. I’m not super good at it, but I learn to hide my fear and insecurity and to be a leader. After all, I’ve been told that I’m a natural leader, so why not? So, yes, I become a decent leader, and I am accepted for it, even praised. There are other things, though, that prevent me from totally fitting in... like the fact that I don’t like doing literature evangelism. Oh, yes, and my frequent bouts of intense depression.
Now, I find that those traits-- my gifts-- have become my curse. I don’t know how to use them, apparently. My gift for relationship threatens others (one person specifically). It seems to me, though, that if a person is feeling threatened by the fact that someone else is in relationship with the people they’re in relationship with, the burden for change is on their end. I’m not going to cease my relationships because you feel threatened. That’s foolish and unhealthy.
D, I can understand. There’s already tension with the fact that the cancer might take him away, and she’s not getting to spend as much time with him as before. (That’s what happens when you move away.) And, yes, I suppose that, in my search for a father figure, it was easy for me to take over what you left behind in some regards, such as helping in the garden.
But don’t you get that I don’t want to be J? I don’t want to be K, either. I don’t want to be you, or take your place. I want to be there alongside you. Maybe that’s why this is more difficult than I anticipated... being misunderstood hurts, especially when your actions are interpreted in a negative light.
My hard-won leadership skills are no longer an asset, they are a detriment. I am controlling, too forward, overstepping my bounds. I am taking over. What the hell? Why is something good and desirable in one setting, yet a source of conflict in another?
I’ll just go live my own egocentric, drama queen life somewhere else.
I guess it’s just hard for me to accept that there can be love amidst this. Black/white, either/or, love/hate. If you love me, we won’t have problems, right? Or if we do have problems, they won’t be with who I fundamentally am as a person... because how can you love someone if you don’t like who they are?
What I don’t understand is that I hear that I’m such a likable person. “Nobody could hate you,” they say. “She’s everyone’s favorite.” Not a big head, just repeating what I’ve heard. But now I hear that I am... a source of contention. How does that jive?!
And how much do you want to bet that as soon as I leave this environment, the very things that are seen as weaknesses here will be my strengths in the new place?
Yeah, ‘cause it keeps on changing. Make up your frickin minds.
Better yet, leave me the hell alone and let me be who I am, aight?
Mm-hmm. I’m ghetto. I’m loud. I’m tactless, bold, the center of attention, and independent. I’m lonely, but I also have a billion friends. I’m restless and fickle, changing often. I’m the finder of the perfect gift, a writer of letters, and a secret lover of rock music. (But only when I’m depressed or restless.) I’m insecure constantly, mostly fearful with a facade of confidence, and easily confused. I’m also funny, smart, and attractive. I attach quickly and intensely, and I enjoy flowers and long walks on the beach. (Okay, okay, that last part was just for levity’s sake. I’m beginning to sound like a personals ad!)
That is all who I am, and I’m not interested in changing it at this point. Take me or leave me, and if you don’t want me, I’ll find someone who will.
(I’ve realized that to love is to expose oneself to certain pain. Yeah... I’m kind of over that. I’m getting really, really tired of being hurt. I think it’s time I put my foot down. Is it possible to love without being vulnerable? I’m sure going to try...)
I remember when I was first at Bible college. I had just broken up with C, whom I’d been with for years, the “love of my life”. I’m in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by unfamiliar people, doing something that I really, really don’t like... but I had to be strong. I had nowhere else to go. So I cried in the shower, where no one could hear me. No one sees tears when they’re mixed with water. I cried for weeks straight.
Now, here I am, in a place that has become so familiar to me, surrounded by people that love me, and yet... I find myself crying in the shower. Again.
Going Under
regarding: agony, anger, conflict, crazy life, darkness, discouraged, emptiness, family, feelings, frustration, grieving, heartbreak, longing, pain, processing, rebellion, save me save me save me, stress
How is it possible to feel two such antithetical feelings at the same time? On the one hand, I do feel loved, because they care enough to help me see the truth, and in a loving, positive way. On the other hand, I feel like the elephant in the room-- the elephant that is infested with rabies, lice, and possibly even fleas.
How can I still be, after all these years... a home wrecker? Dammit. I long for peace, yet I reap tension, bitterness, and strife.
Is there nowhere I can truly belong? The cry of my heart is, Love me! Accept me! Be okay with who I am!
And yet... others are threatened by my existence. I never wanted to take your place. I just wanted to create a place for myself to be.
They say that in every joke is a grain of truth. This thought winds its way to the forefront of my mind when I hear (joking) comments like: "I can't wait for you to leave." "No wonder I'm glad you're leaving!" Uh-huh. Now it all makes sense.
Who do you think I am? What kind of person do you take me for? I am not a thief, some slick seductress who works her way into lives to take them over. Do you think I am a parasite, a tick?
I tried my best. But time has shown that I will never truly be one of the family. I am the ignominious adopted daughter. The red-headed stepchild, if you will.
The curse of dysfunction follows me wherever I go. I cannot escape it. I feel like the specter of Death-- what I touch, whom I love, the very air I breathe... all becomes tainted, polluted, and decay sets in.
Am I doomed to an isolated existence? I thought I had found the antidote to that... but instead, I found that it was a mirage. A placebo. You thought you could belong. Sorry. You're still ****ed up. What you touch turns to ashes. If only you believed in incarnation-- you could try again in your next life.
I told C that I was contemplating moving to Yuma until I start school. She said don't. LOL. I was going to be packed and ready by the time they got home from the hospital, but the fatal flaw to my plan is that I'm broke. Bah, humbug.
My flight instinct kicks in again, strong. I'm ready to go to school in Colorado, just because I don't know anyone there. No chance of my taking over anyone's family or relationship or whatever. No chance of my hurting anyone. Just me and the snow and my cat. And the new age philosophies I'd have to endure.
And another part of me says, "Screw you! It's my life! I'll do what I want!" And that's exactly why I don't fit into a family. Dammit again.
All the ugliness I've been trying to repress lately, it's surfacing, threatening to spew all over anyone who so much as jostles me. Bad words, hostile looks, seething impatience, frustration, and anger... Guess I'm not so converted, after all.
If I were to die tonight... I'd be glad for the rest... but nervous about what would happen when the nap was over.
I'm not fit to be in heaven.
I'm not fit to be in K, ID.
Get me outta here.
January can't come too soon.
(Fun fact: My name, C, has two meanings-- one means "helper of mankind". The other means "prophetess of doom". I generally see myself as the first, yet the second proves to be the reality of my life. Go figure.)
It's like all those things that I didn't want to believe about myself are being proved true. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. You can't fight it, you can't run from it. You are a problem. You cause problems. No matter where you go, you will not find rest or peace, because your very presence prohibits it.
Is this hell?
How can I still be, after all these years... a home wrecker? Dammit. I long for peace, yet I reap tension, bitterness, and strife.
Is there nowhere I can truly belong? The cry of my heart is, Love me! Accept me! Be okay with who I am!
And yet... others are threatened by my existence. I never wanted to take your place. I just wanted to create a place for myself to be.
They say that in every joke is a grain of truth. This thought winds its way to the forefront of my mind when I hear (joking) comments like: "I can't wait for you to leave." "No wonder I'm glad you're leaving!" Uh-huh. Now it all makes sense.
Who do you think I am? What kind of person do you take me for? I am not a thief, some slick seductress who works her way into lives to take them over. Do you think I am a parasite, a tick?
I tried my best. But time has shown that I will never truly be one of the family. I am the ignominious adopted daughter. The red-headed stepchild, if you will.
The curse of dysfunction follows me wherever I go. I cannot escape it. I feel like the specter of Death-- what I touch, whom I love, the very air I breathe... all becomes tainted, polluted, and decay sets in.
Am I doomed to an isolated existence? I thought I had found the antidote to that... but instead, I found that it was a mirage. A placebo. You thought you could belong. Sorry. You're still ****ed up. What you touch turns to ashes. If only you believed in incarnation-- you could try again in your next life.
I told C that I was contemplating moving to Yuma until I start school. She said don't. LOL. I was going to be packed and ready by the time they got home from the hospital, but the fatal flaw to my plan is that I'm broke. Bah, humbug.
My flight instinct kicks in again, strong. I'm ready to go to school in Colorado, just because I don't know anyone there. No chance of my taking over anyone's family or relationship or whatever. No chance of my hurting anyone. Just me and the snow and my cat. And the new age philosophies I'd have to endure.
And another part of me says, "Screw you! It's my life! I'll do what I want!" And that's exactly why I don't fit into a family. Dammit again.
All the ugliness I've been trying to repress lately, it's surfacing, threatening to spew all over anyone who so much as jostles me. Bad words, hostile looks, seething impatience, frustration, and anger... Guess I'm not so converted, after all.
If I were to die tonight... I'd be glad for the rest... but nervous about what would happen when the nap was over.
I'm not fit to be in heaven.
I'm not fit to be in K, ID.
Get me outta here.
January can't come too soon.
(Fun fact: My name, C, has two meanings-- one means "helper of mankind". The other means "prophetess of doom". I generally see myself as the first, yet the second proves to be the reality of my life. Go figure.)
It's like all those things that I didn't want to believe about myself are being proved true. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Yes, I am. You can't fight it, you can't run from it. You are a problem. You cause problems. No matter where you go, you will not find rest or peace, because your very presence prohibits it.
Is this hell?
Winnemucca, NV. I like staying at a hotel on long trips (especially when I'm not footing the bill.) It's eighteen degrees outside-- a little cold for sleeping in the car! (Who am I kidding? I don't sleep much- I keep driving.)
Today we'll be home. I miss my cat-- had a dream about him last night. I'll be leaving him at home for several months so I can get settled in. I'll pick him up on Spring Break.
Oh, yes. Decisions. I've decided to go to school in Redlands. The city does not appeal to me in any way, shape, or form, except for the fact that I'll find health food easy, but other than that... maybe I'll find someone to live with in the country :)
Today we'll be home. I miss my cat-- had a dream about him last night. I'll be leaving him at home for several months so I can get settled in. I'll pick him up on Spring Break.
Oh, yes. Decisions. I've decided to go to school in Redlands. The city does not appeal to me in any way, shape, or form, except for the fact that I'll find health food easy, but other than that... maybe I'll find someone to live with in the country :)
Got this in an email from my sister, and thought it was great.
The Maker of all human beings (GOD) is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed.The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this defect.The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component.Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of these fixes.WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on Jesus.DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility. Thank you for your attention!P.S. Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice, and you may contact the Father any time by 'Knee mail'!
California
regarding: birthday, crazy life, decisions, discovery, family, growth, new experiences, possibilities, processing, realization, relationships, school, surrender, thankful
Where do I start in processing through all the events of late?
Campmeeting was great. It helped me a lot in my consideration and study of the OT feasts. I used to think that feast-keepers were crazy weirdos, but now I realize that they are not. They're really sincere in following God's will as expressed in Scripture, and I really admire them for that. I loved how the studies and talks presented really illuminated God's character further, and even the cross. I didn't think that would be the case-- I was hesitant about the whole thing. But, it proved to be a blessing. I wonder where my studies will lead me?
The S family is so inclusive and warm-- I love it! I got to meet D's side of the family for the big birthday party in his honor (and because he has cancer, it was a kind of "just in case we don't get to see you again" get together). I got to meet a lot of his friends from the olden days (when they were my age), and it was great to see them all interact. We pulled out our guitars and jammed together-- what a blast! I love music.
I visited another massage school down here, one run by people of my denomination. I'm really, really leaning towards it, which is ironic, because I didn't even want to go check it out. I kind of did it as a favor for C. I wasn't thrilled about it, just by looking at the website... I guess I had set my heart on going somewhere where no one knows me, and I don't have the pressure of living up to expectations... Although, the churchgoers in this area are so liberal, I probably wouldn't have to worry about that. Aaaaaand, I'm supposed to be learning about not judging myself according to my perception of other's expectations and trying to act a certain way just because I think that it's expected of me... *Sigh* Easier said than done. Anyway, this school intrigues me, and the director and I really clicked. I've got my lists of pros and cons, I'm praying like crazy, and as I work through this, I think... I'd be kind of foolish to walk away from this school without some serious reasons for turning it down.
Hmm. Oh, yes! Healing Journey wants to give me a scholarship! Yeehaw! We'll see how that works out-- I'm not hanging anything on it just yet, but I'm excited about the prospect. I need to decide what school I'm going to, first. I should have a decision in a week or two at the most. My folks need to know what my sched will be like so we can buy a ticket for me to come visit for Christmas.
J is shocked that I will be making such a decision so quickly. It took her three years to decide where to go to school, what to take, etc. I mean, this decision of mine has been a process of several months, one step at a time, but it's significantly faster than her decision making process. We're just very different in that way. Very, very different. Hehe.
Some friends of mine down here in southern CA have invited me to go canvassing with them tomorrow. Eeep, is all I can say. I want to hang out with them, but I really don't want to go canvassing. We'll see. I just had a convo with JC about canvassing, and both of us not wanting it to have "beaten" us. I almost want to go just to prove to myself that I can, you know? Sort of a "face my fears" type thing... but I know that's not the right motive. Plus, I still really, really don't want to. So if I do, I'll probably just sit in the car or something. Maybe accompany someone else as they're at doors. It's a start.
Some friends of D and C's are taking us out to Indian food tonight. I know for a fact that Indian food contains garlic. I've decided to just bite the bullet and try it. If I perish, I perish. I'm tired of making a big deal about food. *sigh*
Anyway, this trip has been good. I'm very glad that I came. I was unsure of how things would turn out, but, yes, I'm glad I came.
JC has been calling me much of late. I wonder what that means? I think I need to set a boundary on the amount that we talk. I'm glad to have him as a friend, but I'm not interested in a repeat of the Awkward Saga. I know what can happen when you talk too much to a single guy, when you're too vulnerable... and JC and I have this wonderful friendship where we're able to be very truthful and open with each other. Dangerous stuff.
The fam jokes that, if I came down here (to an Adventist mecca), that I'd probably wind up married with a baby, and it'll all be over. I'll say the thought crossed my mind, but I have come to the conclusion that I'm not ready to be married. I've got growing to do... I listened to a sermon by David Asscherick called Hitchhiking For Love that really helped me see with greater clarity some things I'd realized after the break with D. I mean, yeah, I've got the skills it takes to take care of a household, but I'm not the person I need to be yet. I need more time.
That's hard to take, because I want to be in a loving relationship. I really do. I want what I see that D and C have. I want what I see a few other people have... but in the right time. It's hard, but it's better this way.
I'm learning so much from this processing through my relationship with D! Maybe this is what God had in mind when he directed us together?
Life... it moves on, regardless. I'm so glad that God is directing my footsteps. He will open and close the doors for me to walk through.
Campmeeting was great. It helped me a lot in my consideration and study of the OT feasts. I used to think that feast-keepers were crazy weirdos, but now I realize that they are not. They're really sincere in following God's will as expressed in Scripture, and I really admire them for that. I loved how the studies and talks presented really illuminated God's character further, and even the cross. I didn't think that would be the case-- I was hesitant about the whole thing. But, it proved to be a blessing. I wonder where my studies will lead me?
The S family is so inclusive and warm-- I love it! I got to meet D's side of the family for the big birthday party in his honor (and because he has cancer, it was a kind of "just in case we don't get to see you again" get together). I got to meet a lot of his friends from the olden days (when they were my age), and it was great to see them all interact. We pulled out our guitars and jammed together-- what a blast! I love music.
I visited another massage school down here, one run by people of my denomination. I'm really, really leaning towards it, which is ironic, because I didn't even want to go check it out. I kind of did it as a favor for C. I wasn't thrilled about it, just by looking at the website... I guess I had set my heart on going somewhere where no one knows me, and I don't have the pressure of living up to expectations... Although, the churchgoers in this area are so liberal, I probably wouldn't have to worry about that. Aaaaaand, I'm supposed to be learning about not judging myself according to my perception of other's expectations and trying to act a certain way just because I think that it's expected of me... *Sigh* Easier said than done. Anyway, this school intrigues me, and the director and I really clicked. I've got my lists of pros and cons, I'm praying like crazy, and as I work through this, I think... I'd be kind of foolish to walk away from this school without some serious reasons for turning it down.
Hmm. Oh, yes! Healing Journey wants to give me a scholarship! Yeehaw! We'll see how that works out-- I'm not hanging anything on it just yet, but I'm excited about the prospect. I need to decide what school I'm going to, first. I should have a decision in a week or two at the most. My folks need to know what my sched will be like so we can buy a ticket for me to come visit for Christmas.
J is shocked that I will be making such a decision so quickly. It took her three years to decide where to go to school, what to take, etc. I mean, this decision of mine has been a process of several months, one step at a time, but it's significantly faster than her decision making process. We're just very different in that way. Very, very different. Hehe.
Some friends of mine down here in southern CA have invited me to go canvassing with them tomorrow. Eeep, is all I can say. I want to hang out with them, but I really don't want to go canvassing. We'll see. I just had a convo with JC about canvassing, and both of us not wanting it to have "beaten" us. I almost want to go just to prove to myself that I can, you know? Sort of a "face my fears" type thing... but I know that's not the right motive. Plus, I still really, really don't want to. So if I do, I'll probably just sit in the car or something. Maybe accompany someone else as they're at doors. It's a start.
Some friends of D and C's are taking us out to Indian food tonight. I know for a fact that Indian food contains garlic. I've decided to just bite the bullet and try it. If I perish, I perish. I'm tired of making a big deal about food. *sigh*
Anyway, this trip has been good. I'm very glad that I came. I was unsure of how things would turn out, but, yes, I'm glad I came.
JC has been calling me much of late. I wonder what that means? I think I need to set a boundary on the amount that we talk. I'm glad to have him as a friend, but I'm not interested in a repeat of the Awkward Saga. I know what can happen when you talk too much to a single guy, when you're too vulnerable... and JC and I have this wonderful friendship where we're able to be very truthful and open with each other. Dangerous stuff.
The fam jokes that, if I came down here (to an Adventist mecca), that I'd probably wind up married with a baby, and it'll all be over. I'll say the thought crossed my mind, but I have come to the conclusion that I'm not ready to be married. I've got growing to do... I listened to a sermon by David Asscherick called Hitchhiking For Love that really helped me see with greater clarity some things I'd realized after the break with D. I mean, yeah, I've got the skills it takes to take care of a household, but I'm not the person I need to be yet. I need more time.
That's hard to take, because I want to be in a loving relationship. I really do. I want what I see that D and C have. I want what I see a few other people have... but in the right time. It's hard, but it's better this way.
I'm learning so much from this processing through my relationship with D! Maybe this is what God had in mind when he directed us together?
Life... it moves on, regardless. I'm so glad that God is directing my footsteps. He will open and close the doors for me to walk through.