She screams like a banshee,

voicing her wind-whipped sorrow

Howls of pain, rage claw their way

from her throat with cholla thorns

She funnels the ground in desperate agony

against herself, against nature

She wails a death song, a love song;

Life music, blood music

And then she's gone

in a swirl of rainhair and teeth and claws

Disappeared as soon and silently

as she came.

Once so welcome,
                                     now shunned,
barbs of kindness that pierce my soul.

Once embraced,
                                   now feared,
inextricably twined with panic.

Once anticipated,
                                   now dreaded,
dread the explanation of numbed joy.

Once I had hoped,
                                  now I long,
long to return to yesteryear,

When joys were not yet realized,
When day stretched bright before me,
When the decay of premature hope did not
lie in monumental ruins across my soul,

when we were not…

                        Once… I dreamed.

Wow, looking back on all these pages of Me really gave me a shock. That was when I was going to Cibola, I think. That was a very hard time… But things are much better now. Mom and R are still together and talking about getting a house (a real house, one that we would own ourselves! With my own room!!), and C and I are still together (and in love, I might add). It's been almost 10 months! Well, 10 months at the beginning of next month. Anyways, I'm going to Vista high school, which starts at 12:50 and goes till 5, plus Nova Net 3 times a week till 7:15. I only have 3 absences, and those because I was sick. I'm going to summer school in June, where I'll be taking Reading A and B, and Psychology! I love psychology. It's just fascinating to find what makes people "tick".

Oh yes, and I had a pregnancy scare recently. I took a test (which came out negative, but I'm not so sure), but I told C it was positive, to see the look on his face, but I couldn't keep a straight face so I told him it was negative. He almost squeezed the life out of me, then called me mean. He's so great. When I was still pre-test, he said if I was, then he'd be doin a whole lot of working. I asked why, and he fixed me with a real serious stare, then said, "I'm not going to be a deadbeat dad." He said it with such conviction. I just know that I am going to marry him someday. He's so good to me. I can honestly say I love him with all of my heart, and I cannot even remember any other guy I might have "loved" anymore.

I'm as happy as a clam at high tide. Life is perfect. Remember the void I spoke of before? It doesn't exist anymore. Life is perfect, and so is C as far as I'm concerned. I'm just so happy lately, I don't think I can stand it. I'll probably write again later, but I need to eat something now.

--------------

The darkness shimmers in my eyes
and I swirl into the abyss of your eyes
where there is no dark,
and time goes on forever.

A poem written some point between late 2004 and early 2005.

Convo with a wall

Am I really crazy?
Shadows, voices in the corners…
(other way around)
Yessir, crazy as a daisy.
--insert hysterical laughter here--

I believe in God again.
(WWJD?? How should I know??)
He's com in back, just not for me.
I don't know where… still waiting for when.

You believe me, right?
If I decide to leave…
(You'll hunt me down)
Okay. Put me on the next flight.
--Sorry--

I gotta go, this place gets to you
(Don't tell me I'm not crazy.)
after a while…
But where the hell am I going to?
--Going, going, gone--

Pain.

An ever present reality.

It's not always overwhelming, breath-stealing, and totally crippling. No, with proper administration of pain killers that many deem much too strong, I can keep it at "bay", keep it down to simply, well...

...simply debilitating. Limping, instead of frozen in place. Upright (sometimes), instead of permanently prone. Functioning, of a sort, in a sort of half-capacity, a quarter-capacity, a minuscule sliver of the girl that I once was and the woman that I was supposed to be.

I am desperate. I want to claw my way out of my skin, to burn the empty husk and reinvent myself as the richly experienced nomad of my fondest dreams. To want to do so much, to see so much, to feel and taste and experience so much, yet to be shackled within a defunct and decrepit frame is the keenest torture.

I was going to travel, to taste the foods of different cultures and walk the back alleys and trails and thoroughfares of other peoples and lands. I was going to live in the mountains, to build a log cabin and live off of the land, to work with the Forest Service and pack my way through years and years of paths and backwoods trails. I was going to winter in Alaska, to hike Denali in the summer, and backpack across America to see how far I can get before I want to stop. I was going to learn to massage, to soothe the pain of others and ease their way in the world. I was going to do so much... so much...

This is not to say that my life doesn't have meaning or joy. Perish the thought! But still, if I could... I would shred this creaky, crumbling corpse like so much old paper shot through with mold and age. I would dig my way free of the blank, heavy walls of constant suffering that muffle the sights and sounds of the outside world. I would... I would. If I could.

But I can't. I've tried. I've tried, and received suffering heaped upon suffering for my attempts.

And now? I am broken. I am bowed. I am sure that this is my lot, and I accept it with bent head and a heavy, rebellious heart.

So the days pass... laced with pain... stiff with longing and knotting muscles... dulled by the relentless battering from within my own self.

Does that make me a warrior, to press on when life itself is truly naught but suffering shot through with the occasional joy? I suppose it does. I suppose it takes strength to live the life I do. I suppose I'm a fighter, a warrior, an inspiration or some such.

But I don't feel it. All I feel is pain.

An endless cycle--
Rinse, Lather, Repeat.
Brave words and glances
that I truly, desperately believe,
yet the coward in me would shrink from the pain,
from the lightning-sharp thief
of my sanity and goodwill.

Unwilling warrior,
girl cowering behind armor,
armed only with narcotics and sarcasm...
fighting on, fighting in,
fighting, ever fighting for one
cool, clean gulp of air
untainted by smoky pain.

'Cause you can never hear enough about my wedding, right?! Right.

Last night I came across a couple of readings, and I shared them with C, to kind of feel out what he might like for the ceremony. He really liked the first, as did I, and he described the second as, "a good description of love".

I'm thinking that the first would be great as the vows that we seal and frame. The second may work as part of the officiant's reading/speech thingy. I'm still not sure how it's all going to work.

What I really think I'm gonna do is just lay low and collect inspiration, then as the time draws nigh I'll hijack C out for sushi or something, and we'll write the ceremony together. That's what I really want.

Before posting the two readings, though, I did want to mention that I woke up this morning, still sick, but much boosted and buoyed by the discovery that the C family sent me a package!! (It came while I was sleeping.) I'll have to take some pics and get them up here later, but it is a lovely little box carved from a chunk of aspen log. The drawer is shaped like a heart, and it's got a little stick drawer-pull. Even better than that? It's got another secret little heart shaped drawer in the backside of the first drawer!!!! (I cannot use enough exclamation points to describe this thing!)

I feel so loved :) And they nailed it perfectly. I adore it. And I adore them. I am so blessed to be loved by so many great people, I tell you.

And, also, my midterm grade for Intro to Essential Sciences is 98%. As my teacher said, "You can't get much better than that. Keep up the good work!" Yayee.

So! The readings!

Traditional Irish/Celtic Wedding Vow

You cannot possess me for I belong to myself.
But while we both wish it, I give you that which is mine to give.
You cannot command me, for I am a free person.
But I shall serve you in those ways you require,
And the honeycomb will taste sweeter coming from my hand.
I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry aloud in the night,
And the eyes into which I smile in the morning.
I pledge to you the first bite of my meat and the first drink from my cup.
I pledge to you my living and my dying, each equally in your care.
I shall be a shield for your back and you for mine.
I shall not slander you, nor you me.
I shall honor you above all others, and when we quarrel we shall do so in
Private and tell no strangers our grievances.
This is my wedding vow to you
This is the marriage of equals.

To Love Is Not To Possess
James Kavanaugh

To love is not to possess,
To own or imprison,
Nor to lose one's self in another.
Love is to join and separate,
To walk alone and together,
To find a laughing freedom
That lonely isolation does not permit.
It is finally to be able
To be who we really are
No longer clinging in childish dependency
Nor docilely living separate lives in silence,
It is to be perfectly one's self
And perfectly joined in permanent commitment
To another--and to one's inner self.
Love only endures when it moves like waves,
Receding and returning gently or passionately,
Or moving lovingly like the tide
In the moon's own predictable harmony,
Because finally, despite a child's scars
Or an adult's deepest wounds,
They are openly free to be
Who they really are--and always secretly were,
In the very core of their being
Where true and lasting love can alone abide.

I am a Light who holds Dark within.
Not as Dark as once I was,
but still Shadow-lined.

And what do they see in me,
these Seekers of Light?

Surely they must know that
I am bruised
and I am scared
and I am selfish
and that I hold the Darkness close most nights?

I don't know why they flock
like magpies
to the brilliancy of my Smile.
I don't even know where the brilliancy comes from.

All I know is that I am so very
very
Shadow-lined...
and yet I also seem to be a Light.

This, for some reason, spoke to me. I get what she's saying-- I feel the world in much the same way. I think my blog is like a tentative step in sharing my voice, my story, with the world around me. But I don't believe I'd have the courage to speak one of those stories in front of a crowd like that.  (The poems at the beginning and end strike me right in the heart and stir up some undefinable sense of longing.)

"The Awakening", by Sonny Carroll

(The other awesome poem we read in group this week.)

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out, "ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on." And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective.

.......... This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something or someone to change, or for happiness or safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you. Then a sense of security is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the "reality of today" rather than holding out for the "promise of tomorrow." You realize that much of who you are and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of al ifetime. And you being to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about:

-how you should look and how much you should weigh,

-what you should wear and where you should shop,

-where you should live or what type of car you should drive,

-who you should sleep with and how you should behave,

-who you should marry and why you should stay,

-the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you being re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

You accept the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will love and appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a "perfect 10"... Or a perfect human being for that matter... and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And, you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that it is truly in "giving" that we receive, and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of "creating" and "contributing"J rather than "obtaining" and "accumulating."

And you give thanks for the simple things you've been blessed with, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about--a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, the freedom of choice and the opportunity to pursue your own dreams.

And you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors, including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You being eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you've learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships--how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through... and interestingly enough, it's not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren't done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns-- anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say, "I was wrong," and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn how to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO. You learn that you don't know al the answers, it's not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more loveable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships, and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it's wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet "your" standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people situations and outcomes. You learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time "with yourself" and "on yourself". Then you discover teh greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know-- Self Love. And so it comes to pass that, through understanding, your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn't change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you think you deserve, and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely a random act of fate.

And you stop looking for guarantees, because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you'll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time-- FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into an through your fears, because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY.. the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you TAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

A word about the Power of Prayer: In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed, not for the answers to my prayers or for material things, but for my "God" to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to face each day and to do what I must do.

Remember this:--You are an expression of the almighty. The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you.

My "God" has never failed me.

My Magic Box affirmation for the week: "Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weaknesses."

Last week's was: "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."

The week before: "Sometimes it's the things you can't do that bring out the brilliance of what you can!"

Before that: "Courage does not mean that you are not afraid. Doing something that you are not afraid of is easy. Doing or facing something that you are afraid of takes courage."

Soundtrack to my day: Drive, by Incubus

I feel like these affirmations have been seeds planted, growing courage in me, resulting in my determination to step out and to try working again. (To try to FIND work, rather!)

Last night, we read a couple of awesome poems that I wanted to stick in here, so I don't lose them. (And maybe someone else will read them and it'll be just what they needed.)

The first is called Our Deepest Fear, by Marianne Williamson, and it hits the nail right on the head for me.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

The other one is long, so I'll stick it in a post of it's own. ("It's"... possessive... that means an apostrophe, yeah?)

Here's my song for the day.

Sometimes
I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear
Take the wheel and steer

It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?


It's driven me before
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I'm beginning to find that
When I drive myself my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
I'll be there

I wander down a twisted path

whose ends or means I cannot trace /

hands grope for light and soul for love,

mind craves answers far apace /

within the labyrinth of this dark

and husky shell of feinted faith /

I sift my morrows from the lore,

seek naught but understanding gait /

that I may rise from ashes past

and fetters long laid idly by /

to seek the fortune of the brave--

the outstretched hand, the haunting cry.

And what do you do when your paths diverge?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
{Robert Frost}

Hiding, always hiding
true self, true life, true alignment.
The energy it takes
for consistency, honesty...
it washes away so quickly,
leaves pale wakes
and quiet vicissitudes
not fit to be spoken.


Freedom's gaze is pleasant,
yet haughty--
distant glistening monument
to what I cannot be.


I wish to bare my soul,
bare all,
absorb the impact of shock
and fear into my very bones
and become immune...
but right now,
I cannot bear the baring.

This is an adaptation of "Invictus", by William Henley, that I worked up for the Survivor's Prayer Quilt.

"Invictus" is Latin, meaning "unconquered". I am an unconquered victim, meaning I am a survivor.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank my God, whom I know to be
For my unconquerable soul.


In the fell clutch of circumstance
I may have winced or cried aloud.
Yet under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.


Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms more than the Horror of the shade,
And so the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.


It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Is it a sin to love thee? Then my soul is deeply dyed,
For my lifeblood, as it gushes, takes its crimson from love's tide;
And I feel its waves roll o'er me and the blushes mount my brow
And my pulses quicken wildly, as the love dreams come and go:
I feel my spirit's weakness; I know my spirit's power;
I have felt my proud heart struggle in temptation's trying hour;
Yet, amid the din of conflict, bending o'er life's hallowed shrine,
Yielding all, my soul had murmured, I am thine, forever thine!

Is it a sin to love thee? What were existence worth,
Bereft of all the heaven that lingers still on earth!
Friendship's smiles, like gleams of sunlight, shed their feeling o'er the heart,
But the soul still cries for something more than friendship can impart.
Frozen hearts, like ice-bound eyries, that no summer ray can melt,
Vainly boast their power to conquer what their hearts have never felt;
But envy not their glory, 'mid the rapture that is mine,
When with earnest soul I tell thee I am thine, forever thine!

Is it a sin to love thee? Gentle voices round me fall,
And I press warm hearts about me-- but I've given thee my all.
What though stern fate divides us, and our hands, not hearts, be riven--
My all of earth thou hast--wilt more? I dare not offer heaven!
But in some blessed moment, when our dark eyes flashing meet,
When I feel thy power so near me, feel thy heart's quick pulses beat,
Then I know--may God forgive me!--I would everything resign
All I have, or all I hope for--to be thine--forever thine.

Is it a sin to love thee? I remember well the hour
When we would our love to conquer, resist temptation's power;
When I felt my heart was breaking and my all of life was gone;
When I wept the hour I met thee, and the hour that I was born;
But a hidden storm was raging, and amid the muffled din
I flung my arms upon thy bosom, with thy warm hands clasped in mine,
I smiled through tears and murmured: I am thine, forever thine.

Is it a sin to love thee? with love's signet on thy brow?
Though thy lot be dark as Hades I'll cling to thee as now;
Not mine the heart to fail thee, when other cheeks grow pale;
We have shared the storm together; I'll stand by thee through the gale.
Though our bark may drift asunder, yet, with true hearts beating high,
Let the golden sunlight cheer us, or the angry storm clouds fly.
From our helms with steady brightness our beacon lights shall shine,
And the watchwords on our pennons shall be-- thine, forever thine.

Is it a sin to love thee? When I bend the knee in prayer,
And before a High Omniscience my burdened heart lay bare,
On the breath of love to heaven ascends thy blessed name,
And I plead weak and erring nature, if loving thee be shame.
Heaven knows 'tis no light sacrifice I've offered up to thee,
No gilded dream of fancy, but my being's destiny.
Since our fates we may not conquer here, divide thy lot from mine--
In the starlit world above us, call me thine-- forever thine!

-Unknown-

Rest and receive?
Far too easy!
What must I do
to prove worth to You?

Give up all friends?
Confess all my sins?
(I did it that way
only yesterday...)

Deny taking food?
Never a bad mood?
Tell me what I must do
to prove love that's true!

Rest and receive?
Trust and believe?
I don't think I can
let You just take my hand.

I'm sorry, dear God,
but like it or not,
I'll continue to "do"
so I'll know I've pleased You.

Note: This isn't actually my decision for the day, oh no! But I recognize that it is my mindset most times. Just resting and receiving is too easy... I've gotta DO something!

"The Cycle"

Breaking free,
I rise amid the dawn's aura-
the hushed glory of a new, unpolished day.

Soaring even,
warm drafts bear me steadily-
on towards quicksilver clouds and gunmetal fantasies.

Slipping quietly,
the lukewarm mist of apathy rises-
the horizon where despair meets hope... all too close.

Landing hard,
I pick gingerly through a shrapnel forest-
wings folded, head bowed, wandering vainly in search of anesthesia.

Hope rising,
warm sunlight bringing whispers of better days-
heart and wings lift at the knowledge that I may soon be

Breaking free...

When first I came here I had hope,
Hope for I knew not what. Fast beat
My heart at the sight of the tall slope
Or grass and yews, as if my feet

Only by scaling its steps of chalk
Would see something no other hill
Ever disclosed. And now I walk
Down it the last time. Never will

My heart beat so again at sight
Of any other hill although as fair
And loftier. For infinite
The change, late unperceived, this year,

The twelfth, suddenly, shows me plain.
Hope now--not health, nor cheerfulness,
Since they can come and go again,
As often one brief hour witnesses--

Just hope has gone forever. Perhaps
I may love other hills yet more
Than this: the future and the maps
Hide something I was waiting for.

One thing I know, that love with chance
And use and time and necessity
Will grow, and louder the heart's dance
At parting than at meeting be.

{Edward Thomas}

I found this here, which led me to here, and thought I'd give it a try.

I am from cigarette ashes and Pontiac cars and Dr. Pepper-- lots and lots of Dr. Pepper.

I am from apartment after apartment, white walls blurring together in a whirlwind of sensory amnesia. I am from cracked sidewalks shimmering in summer's heat, palm trees rising in stout vigilance, and chain link fences tottering weakly through rasping weeds.

I am from the cloud-sodden skies of the coastal Northwest; the rippling, life-giving fields of the Breadbasket; the majestically parched, mountainous deserts of the Southwest; the coniferous sweeps and river-carved valleys of my new home.

I am from "High-Lows" and fierce determination, from "the little wise one" and the Jones' eyes.

I am from the tumultuous solitude of a family torn apart and the gratifying agony of a family pieced back together.

From "3-foot-2, eyes of blue, prettiest girl I ever knew" and, "If you swallow a watermelon seed, your belly will swell up and you'll have a baby."

I am from 6 generations of my denomination, but without a Cross to kneel before. I am from Bible Bowls and memory verses and rainbows that prove God has heard us. I am from bedtime Bible stories and teenage confusion and "Why, God, did you let this happen to me?!"

I'm from everywhere and nowhere, unsure of my heritage, falling neatly into line as another "Heinz 57" American.

I am from lemons zested on the tree by mischievous Great Grampa (a literalist like myself), from the land of Hide and Go Seek and safe havens and "Mount Cheese and Crackers".

I am from boxes saved out of the kindness of a neighbor's heart when all else was ripped away... again. I am from dusty albums under the living room table, the repetitive snapshots of distant scenery and unfamiliar faces pushed aside in favor of a good game of Jenga. I am from stories over coffee and cigarettes, the laughter weaving around the words drowning out the rain on the porch roof. (Neither my aunt or my mother ever seem to forget a story.)

This is childhood. Maybe tomorrow I'll do a teenage version... then an adult version.
Wow. This stirred up so many memories, many of them bittersweet.
I do realize, after thinking through this prompt... as a child, my world began and ended with my mother. Mom was the end-all, be-all to my life. I'm so glad she was a good one.