Disaster averted

Disaster averted, but not meltdown averted.

I'd admit it-- I cried. No, rather, I sobbed.

I keened my grief and anguish and disappointment in myself and my fears flowed in hot, fast rivulets.

I'm literally broke.

No, take that back. I have two dollars and some change. Wallet, checking account, savings-- everything. That's what it adds up to.

And the funny thing is... it's not like I'm not working. I'm just not getting paid for my work yet... but it's something I believe in fiercely. How can I give that up?

And so I feel like a failure because I just can't seem to make life work. And this means loss of control. I can't trust God, I can't trust myself... what do I do?

What do you do?

I, for one, called my daddy.

I ran over my finances with him, the projected and expected medical bills, and my plans for school finances, and he talked things through with me...

He is not bothered with helping me out when I need it, because I'm trying. I'm not shamelessly mooching, looking for handouts without putting forth effort. I'm trying, and even though it's taking a while, eventually I'll get to the place where I don't need help anymore.

And he understands and appreciates the fact that I want to do it on my own, but encouraged me not to give up just because I need some help now and then.

Still feel down...

...but I recognize that I can't do anything today because it's the 4th of July, and everyone's off. So I must simply be patient and enjoy the holiday.

I'm going to watch the fireworks with a girlfriend tonight, and I'm glad of it.