So here it is, folks. Another post about God.

More specifically, a post about God and why his peeps sometimes annoy me.

Okay, I'm going to start this out with an earth-shattering confession...

I don't wanna be a Christian. I don't want to serve God. I don't want to wait breathlessly on his plan for my life. I inwardly cringe when I catch mention of the phrase "God's will" (for your life, for this or that, etc.). I try to avoid talking about religion or God with anyone I don't emphatically know is either a heathen, a pagan, or an atheist/agnostic. (There are, of course, a few exceptions... but they're pretty few and far between.)

Why, you ask?

Because Christians have been given the gospel. And the gospel is all about telling people about God, and going forth, and all that jazz... so when you're having a conversation about God, the near-inevitable outcome is that the gospel rises within them and they go forth to your brain and your opinions and your worldview and proceed to try to get you around to their way of thinking, somehow.

I was there once. I know how this game is played. And now that I'm on the other side of the net? I wish I'd never done that to people.

Seriously. I have so. much. regret. about my canvassing days and the post-SOULS years. So much guilt and embarrassment. Why, oh why, did I do those things to people?

Well, I didn't know any better. I was trained to do that. And I desperately wanted acceptance, approval, and a spot in the world. Oh, and I wanted God to like me.

E says my understanding of Christianity is warped. I say fine. Then I don't feel so bad laying it down and trying to figure out what's real.

I'm not trying to justify my choices at all. I fully acknowledge that a great many people who are or have at one time been invested in my life to a high degree would be disappointed, crushed, heartbroken, or any combination of negative adjectives upon hearing this. But it's not about other people, is it? No, not at all.

It's not just that I have anger issues with God. I fully acknowledge that one, as well. It's more than that, though...

A friend told me not to terribly long ago that I'm a very accepting person, very open, and it's true. As black and white as my thinking tends to be, I have a hard time seeing the world around me in strictly blacks and whites. The claim of exclusive truth always felt off to me, and I resent the implications that exclusive truth brings. (Namely, that everyone else is wrong!)

I was walking and praying, probably about this time last year, and puzzling over church, God, my involvement with the two... my heart... my brain... my questions... and then I walked under this tree. And I had an epiphany of sorts.

What if God is a tree? I mean, what if God is the trunk, and all those branches are the different religions or worldviews or whatever? (Keep in mind that I'd just been learning about learning styles in a class of mine.) What if each soul has a particular "learning style", and they gravitate toward the branch that will teach them who God is most clearly? For some, that may be Adventism. For others, that may be Islam. For yet others, that may be Wicca. But each soul learns about who God really is, just through different means.

It made a lot of sense to me. Despite my rigid adherence to SDAism for so many years, I naturally gravitate towards the faiths that find their understanding more in the natural world, through rituals, and through the world around them.

Don't get me wrong-- I totally believe in Intelligent Design. I believe in a Creator. I just realize that I don't know diddly squat about him, and the God that I've been interacting with all these years could very well be a figment of my imagination because he's not like how I've imagined him to be at all and I've just been projecting things onto him... which means that the God I know could be, for all intents and purposes, all in my head.

Do I believe that God inspired the writing of the Bible? Assuredly. Do I believe that it's inerrant? In intent, yes. There are contradictions within the pages of the Bible, both in details and in more philosophical aspects (like God's split personality, for one), and anyone who denies this is really, really living in la-la-land. Even the ABC has books about reconciling the "apparent" contradictions in the Bible. They're there.

Do I believe that the Bible is the only literature God ever inspired? No. I do not.

See, I've had questions for a long time... questions that I've never fully articulated or examined, because I knew that my faith wasn't up to the test. One of the reasons I hated going door to door was that I couldn't stand pushing stuff on people that I didn't fully or really believe myself. I ran across two quotations that really challenged me, though, and disturbed my placid pool of Christianity deeply.

The first is by Epicurus, and is pretty famous. (They're both pretty famous, actually.) It goes like this:
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"

That pretty well sums up why I'm so angry and yes, even somewhat bitter, with God. He could have stopped my molestation and abuse. But he didn't. Didn't he want to? Did he just not see what was happening? Did he not care?

I've gotten the standard Adventist answer about the Great Controversy more times than I can count, and I've handed it out more times than I can count. I've even tried really hard to believe it, and I do sometimes. But it just doesn't satisfy my deep need for a God that cares. Yes, I know. Jesus. Right. Please, I went to Bible college, I've got this down. But that's God caring about humanity. Where's the God that cares about the toddler that was placed in a hot oven that seared her back? Where's the God that cares about the same toddler, locked in a cold bath with ice cubes until her lips were blue and laughed at by her mom's jealous, abusive boyfriend? Where's the God that cares about the skinny child with large bloody bruises across her buttocks and legs from being beat with a leather belt because she interrupted her step-dad's video game? Where's the God that cares about that child as she slept on blankets in the hallway to avoid being alone in her room at night, only to have her abuser join her in plain sight and work his hand between her legs, or spill his semen all over her blankets?

Where's the God that's going to do anything about all that shit? I'm just getting started on the tragic experiences, you know.

Where's the God that listened to the cries and prayers of that girl who believed in him so fervently, who believed all that talk about just asking Jesus and he'd come make everything better? (It's a bunch of b.s., by the way. Just praying to Jesus doesn't make anything better, despite what you hear in Sabbath school. He may be there with you, but he's a pretty passive bystander.)

And shoot, that's just my story. What about the little girl in H who was being raped by her dad and brothers, who prayed and prayed for God to help her, and even made sure to describe how to get to her house after time had passed and he hadn't stopped them? What about the story in Angels Among Us where God sends an angel to keep that little girl from being molested? WTF, God? Really? You're gonna jump in for her, but not for me, or for my girls in group, or for the other countless children that are being beaten, starved, or molested?

I'm sorry, but I'm not content to sit around accept this absent father God anymore.

Did you know that I realized I'm a quasi-Buddhist recently? I stumbled across this Q&A about Buddhism that was really, really well written, and I realized while going through it that I believed a lot of the same things they do. In this last year of searching and thinking and praying, I've developed a lot of beliefs and come to a lot of conclusions that Buddhism has been espousing for thousands of years. Funny, huh? The big, huge difference is that Buddhists do not believe that gods exist, whereas I do. So I can't be entirely Buddhist, but I definitely embrace most of their philosophies. That's pretty much the path I'm taking at this point.

Here's the other quote that shook me up so deeply. This one is from Marcus Aurelius.
“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”

That's kind of where I'm at at this point.

I'm tired. I'm tired of performing. Tired of trying to make it work. Tired of trying to be "right"... Should being right be this hard? I mean, if it's right... should it not be at least a little self-evident?

And the thing is... I really can't tell any of this to Christians, because it's appalling to them. It's abhorrent. Especially because I was once one of the elite, a shining star, an example to the other youth and an encouragement to the older generations.

How the mighty have fallen. Heh.

Again, it's not about other people. It's really not. It's about me doing what I perceive to be the best and most right thing... right now.

I am in no way claiming that this is not all subject to change, because it totally is. I could change my mind tomorrow! But that's the beauty of free will, and religious freedom. I have the choice to change my mind.

I just wish that people would accept that, stop trying to change my mind, stop being all disappointed and pouty when the realize I don't believe as they do anymore, stop being threatened by my choices... and just let me be. 

Please. Just let me be. Let me make my own choices. Stop trying to change my mind. I'm not doing this purposely to screw with you, you know. I'm trying to find my way through life, just like everyone else... Except that I don't derive my power to be happy, optimistic, productive, or even functional from God. It's inside me, where it's always been. It was only after realizing that I'm the one that's been doing all the work that I felt free. It's been me that's worked on myself, me that has healed, me that has taken risks and accepted challenges and made mistakes and been a good person. (Granted, a lot of times I was a good person out of fear of what would happen if I wasn't, but it was still me.)

Maybe God uses the strength I have inside myself to get stuff done. Maybe God uses the people around me to lift me up and speak words of life that encourage and inspire me. But I'm done with the image that he's camped out in a tent somewhere inside me with an assortment of factories that he uses to produce various things like goodness, strength, etc.

Anyway, I've probably gone on enough of a bitter diatribe here to last for a good, long time.

But before I quit, I do want to address one more thing that really, really bothers me. 

I am marrying an atheist. It's true.

However, please refrain from the following sentence when you talk about him:

"He's a really good guy, but..."

Yes, the "but" refers to his atheism. It's like all the virtues, all the good qualities, all the responsible behaviors and solid choices and the moral nature are all canceled out by the fact that he doesn't believe in God. That he had questions that were never satisfactorily answered by religion or the Bible. That he saw contradictions and hypocrisy and wanted nothing to do with it. That he was burned by Christians themselves, judged and dismissed because they knew one thing about him that they didn't agree with. 

And I've gotten the "but", too, in regards to my choices.

You're a good person, but you can't actually be considered a good person, because of this. I'm sorry. You fail the morality test. Sure, you got every other question right, but those actually don't count for anything. It's this one that determines whether you pass or fail. (Because really... if a Christian is a bad person or makes a bad choice, well, God can forgive anything, right? And they probably weren't really a Christian to begin with. But if an atheist or some other religion is a bad person or makes a bad choice, well, see? Those amoral hooligans just can't do anything else. They've given in to the carnal nature, and the carnal nature is emnity against God. Yep. It just stands to reason.)

No more "but"s.

I'm a good person. I have been a good person. And I will continue to be a good person.

Whether that's as a Christian, as a quasi-Buddhist, as a Wiccan, or as an atheist, I will still be a good person. Who I am is not what God I believe in, or how I choose to worship him.

So no more "but"s, okay? And I promise to try to be more tolerant of Christians and not roll my eyes so much.

Deal? :)

Warning: This post may be considered by some to be a downer, because I'm going to talk very candidly about life with a chronic illness that can cause high levels of pain and frustration. Do not, however, assume that I am down, because I'm not! Though I may have my moments, my hours, my days, or even my string of days when I'm just burnt out and tired of this whole shebang, overall it's something I'm coming to terms with and try to view as an opportunity for growth.

So. That being said...

The last few days were hard. I mean, really hard. And by really hard, I mean really really really really ridiculously difficult. I thought that I was being accurate before when I said I was "destroyed"... but I didn't know the meaning of destroyed. (Hopefully I won't have to learn new depths of that word!)

First of all, I've had a lot going on these past few weeks-- first the colonoscopy, which pretty much devastated me, mucho wedding prep (and I still haven't sat down with my fear of getting married and begun to really process through it in any meaningful way); long, stressful travel hours; the few days with D, coming to grips with his impending death and saying goodbye; the shock and disappointment of much-anticipated guests not being able to come to the wedding; more long, stressful travel hours; dealing with an increase in symptoms and pain levels and trying to cope with that... and then I ran out of pain meds.

I'm so grateful that I asked for painkillers and that my doctor prescribed me something without hesitation. Let's put it this way-- this morning I took 3 ibuprofen and never felt a thing. NSAIDS barely even put a major dent in my menstrual cramps, let alone this kind of pain.

I ran out of painkillers on the day I traveled back home. I was already hurting quite a bit when I went to bed, but the next day it had just increased. Today was even worse, especially because it's not just pain but nausea and balance problems and sleep problems and total brain fog and gut pain upon eating (whenever I can even get around to eating)... It sucks. As I thought back on it while submerged in my hot bath earlier, I came to the conclusion that if I didn't have these pain meds that actually worked, I would so not be willing to live life the way that I have the past few days. I am not joking. I could not do that long-term. I would literally seriously consider suicide if I had to do those pain levels and all the other stuff for an extended period of time.

See, the thing is that it wasn't just one kind of pain; it's a pain that has layers. The bottom layer is a generalized ache, like the kind you get when you have a bad fever. Everything hurts, whether you're moving or laying still, and your skin is super tender and it hurts to even have clothes pressing against your skin. Your scalp hurts, and even your teeth hurt. To have water splash your skin is a violent, painful shock, no matter the temperature. The weird part was that I had no fever at all, despite my obsessive checking. The next layer of pain is muscle pain; the general ache that flares into a protesting groan when you move anything, or roll over, or lay in one position too long, or have any sort of pressure anywhere on your body. The top layer is joint pain; the sharp, throbbing whine of the hip sockets, the lower-pitched but just as insistent flames that consume the knees, the delicate ripples of spasming electricity that lace their way through wrists, fingers, and ankles... and then there's the booming resonance that blasts its way through mid-back, all the way through to the solar plexus on the other side and wrapping around the ribs, reaching both upward and down in an attempt to consume the entire torso... And did I mention the chills? Freezing, yet sweating at the same time. I couldn't get warm, but I could barely stand to be wrapped up.

I know that everyone's personal pain tolerance is at different levels. For someone else, this may be totally bearable. For me, however, it was totally incapacitating. I have two pain scales-- one for uncommon events, such as car crashes and broken limbs and such, and another for every-day pain. On my "every day" pain scale, I was at about a 5.5 - 6.5 on my traveling day, then it went up to 7 - 8 the next day, and today was a solid 9 most of the day. I can't say 10, because the pain I was in after the colonoscopy had me literally sobbing and helpless, but it was definitely up there, especially with the multi-facted nature of the discomfort. You can see now why I was hounding my doctor's office and the pharmacy today. I think that if I had no prospect of relief, I would have just sucked it up and tried to find methods to cope... but knowing that there is something that can scale the pain back, well... It nearly drove me insane. I was so frustrated. But now that I've got some of that in my system, I'm back down to a 4-ish. That I can deal with. Anything 5 or below, I can pretty much function normally. Once you get above that, it's hard for me to concentrate on daily life or make myself carry on.

So I basically just laid in bed the past two days, except to go grocery shopping and go to school (with errands in between my classes). Now, though, I'm starting to feel like a human again! I have emotions! I have a whole range of facial expressions! I'm still limping, but I can move faster than a gimpy snail!

It is frustrating to realize that I've gone downhill so far... I had a couple of people bring it up to me while I was up north, and I was forced to face the reality of how far I've fallen, so to speak. It was discouraging, to be quite honest. But really? I'm trying my absolute best to be as healthy as I can and to take the measures necessary to boost my health back up. What else can I do? If I never get any better, it won't be for lack of trying, that's for sure!

I've noticed a pattern. It's not like I've just had this gradual slide down a hill, it's more like a set of stairs. I'll level out for a while, then something will drop me down, then I'll level out, then I'll drop again...

But C and I have talked about how to try to get me boosted back up, and he instituted the "one thing a day" rule the other day. For now, I am allowed to do one "thing" a day. Whether it's cleaning the kitchen or unpacking my suitcases or running errands, I must choose. I only get one. (I really only have the spoons for one.) As I get better, I can add things one at a time, but for now I get one. This is where the "Fiance" part of the title comes in. He is so good to me... not just in dealing with the baggage that I have from my past, but in dealing with this sickness. He helps me to see things logically and smoothly, rather than getting worked up (or worn down) by emotions. He also takes care of me in the physical sense, working with my food allergies, making sure I've taken my meds on time (because I sometimes forget), being considerate of my limitations... just generally being awesome and not minding all my setbacks. He is the one that bought me the Bling Chariot, after all, which is one of the best investments I've seen in a while. I use that thing all the time (sad to say).

That brings me to the Fears section. Sometimes I feel like I'm never gonna get any better, like I'm just going to keep taking those stairs downward until I'm a quivering heap under the bedclothes. Then I work myself back into encouragement through various means, but... the fear is still there, in the back of my head. Today before class I was chatting with a lady whose sister has fibro. It manifested when she was 20 as a result of a back injury sustained at work, and 15 years of fighting later, she's basically bedridden, in extreme pain. Again, it's not for lack of trying that she ended up this way... and that scares me. Because, really, it's like no matter how hard I try I'm just not gaining any headway against this monster that's taken over my life. It's so dumb! I'm so sick of being sick! I don't want to be a frail wreck, but if I step back and take a look at the reality of my situation... I am kinda frail. I am physically weak in many ways. I don't say this to admit defeat, but for the sake of a reality check. While it's important to be positive and to set good intentions and all that, it doesn't help anyone to live in denial and refuse to see the truth of the matter.

So, okay. Yeah. I am sick. Very sick, in fact. And it doesn't seem like my efforts are preventing the downward slippage much, if at all.

But C and I talked about what would happen if I did end up bedridden like my friend's sister. What would happen if I just kept spiraling downward?

Well... if it happens, it happens. Obviously, there isn't much we can do about it, so why worry?

That was C's response. I mean, I'm doing all I can, sooooo... if it happens, then it happens.

He doesn't believe in worrying about things you have no control over.

And you know what? I'm coming around to his point of view.

As things stand now, I'm a sick girl. Pretty darn sick, in fact. But, but, but, I am also a fighter, and I'm going to do my damndest to get better again. If it doesn't happen, then I'll have to deal with that. But again, it sure won't be for lack of trying! I really can't predict the future... but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have a heck of a lot of wonderful people in my corner, cheering me on and praying me forward, and I also have a pretty amazing guy holding my hand and wiping my brow (and tears!) as I fight this battle for my future and my sanity.

As I said, while this can be seen as a downer, I see it as... I dunno. Something else. Reality, maybe? Dashed with a little spicy optimism? I believe in God, and I believe in miracles. I don't know if he'll give me one, but I do think that there are a lot of things we can consider miracles, if we just look at them in the right light. This healthy relationship, for one... that, to me, is a miracle. My amazingly supportive friends and family. A painkiller that helps me feel like a real person again. A job that I love and a boss that totally understands my health struggles and works with me. A dad willing to foot my medical bills so I can figure all this out and move forward. (And he's also the one paying for my prescriptions, which includes the miracle pain killer. You're my savior, if indirectly, R!)

My life is filled with good things. Sure, it's filled with challenges, but whose life isn't? Maybe mine are just different from someone else's.

I choose to view this framed in positivity, even if I do get frustrated sometimes, or worn down and worn out from the pain. Yeah, I do want to give up more frequently than I'd like to admit. But really? I know it's all gonna be okay, one way or another. Really, it will.

(Now please, remind me of this mindset the next time I'm flipping out, yeah?)

I was thinking about this last night as I took a walk (3.3 miles, not too shabby). And somewhat yesterday "morning" as C and I were at the range. And during the week, while I was laid out on the couch, sick.

Suffice to say that it's been on my mind in various forms a lot lately. :)

I feel like I'm finally learning how to do life well. Probably due in part to The Gifts of Imperfection and A Deeper Story, my mindset is changing. Imperfection doesn't send quick bolts of fear to my heart like it used to. (Um, okay, as much as it used to.)  My vocabulary is changing. I no longer seek the right choice, as though there were only one right way to do things out of the myriad of choices we are presented every day, but a right choice. I have come to believe that there is more than one right way to do things, more than one right choice. Maybe they vary in degrees of rightness-- I haven't gotten that far in refining my personal philosophy yet. But I'm breaking free of my black and white prison.

Probably part of it is due to my wonderful mate. (I almost typed husband! Almost... just 6 more months.) His no-frills way of approaching the world has helped me to be realistic, to take the machete of common sense to many of the briars that had grown up to choke my mind. It's not all briars, to be sure. I come across many valuable little plantings that I want to keep and nurture. And sometimes he disagrees, and that's okay. We have fun little clashings, interesting philosophical conversations that leave both of us shaking our heads because it's like trying to talk to a rock. (We're both a little stubborn, and too smart for our own good.)

Maybe it's because I have stability and safety, I can focus on the smaller aspects of life now. I can take the time to be good to myself, to speak my own love language, to be kind to myself. I don't have to be "on" twenty-four hours a day. And that is a huge relief and blessing.

Another thing I'm learning is to just let the day happen. Don't try to force it into a mold of what you think it ought to be like. Just let it go. Experience it as it comes. This is what I was thinking of yesterday at the range. I have a habit of looking forward to something being over even when it's hardly begun. Maybe so I can remember it and think about it, I don't know. It's like my chewing habits, but with experiences. I bolt down one forkful because I'm already looking forward to the next.

I think this "chewing thoroughly" thing is teaching me more than I'd bargained for.

Anyway, yesterday we went out and C taught me how to shoot his pistol. (I'm not good, but I'm not bad, either. If someone were coming at me, I'd say I have a 70% chance of hitting them, but odds are it wouldn't be where I was aiming!) (C is telling me that if someone is coming at me, I ought to treat it like the Renaissance one-shot pistols they used to use in sword fights-- fighting, fighting, take your pistol out and plant it directly against their chest. Did it go off? No? Then keep fighting with your sword! lol Apparently pirates used to do it that way, because it takes your chances of missing down to zero, and they already had to worry about whether or not the gun would actually go off, because the powder might be wet, etc.)

While we were out there, I found myself wanting it to be over, not because I wasn't having a good time (I rather enjoyed myself), but just because that's what I do. Fortunately, I caught myself, and I was able to focus and be more or less present for the rest of the few hours we were out there.

And as far as "planning my days"... I've more or less given that up. I mean, there are certain things I need to accomplish on certain days, to be sure, and I work on getting them done. What I mean is that detailed scheduling that I'm so fond of. "Okay, I'll do homework from one to three-thirty, at which point I should be done, then I'll clean the house from three-thirty to five, and then C and I will watch a movie, and then we'll do this, and then while he's playing SWOTR, I'll do this certain craft, and then..." Yeah, that's kind of boring. Plus it leads to frustrated expectations. What if C doesn't want to watch a movie, or cuddle with me when he gets home like I thought in my mind, or what if he wants to play SWOTR first and then do something with me, or what I if I don't feel like doing that craft? I think that dissective mindset was one of the things that led me to "soldier through" the day and activities, even if I wasn't feeling it. Like, I said I was gonna do it, so by gum I'll do it!

Allowing myself to take naps really shattered that. I can't exactly schedule a nap into my day, because who knows if I'll even need one, or how long I'll nap for, or... anything?

It's so much more pleasant to know what I need to get done and just let the day evolve as it will. There are times (especially this last week!) when I have to tell myself, Look, I know you want to quit this and do something fun. I understand, and I'm sorry. But this needs to be done, and you need to do it. Yes, you will be rewarded for your hard work, just not right now. Capice? So it's not like I just goof off and let my days fly to the wind. It's more of an "I'm not dead set on when this must occur, and if I don't get everything accomplished today that I'd like to, it's not the end of the world and I can get it done tomorrow."

I like this new way of living.

I like the little things that I'm free to do now. I like feeling free to buy myself a bouquet of flowers and decorate the jar that I put them it. I like being able to go to Michael's in the evening and window shop. I like being able to take long walks. I like being able to cook myself good food. I like being able to watch a movie, with or without C. I like being able to take a nap, should I so desire. I like being able to spend an hour or two Stumbling neuroscience articles, craft sites, and cartoons. I like my plans to decorate the house for fall, just because. I like being able to take time to just freak out if I'm dealing with stuff, if I need to.

I like my life.

I'm happy with it.

I never thought I'd be able to say that with such conviction and satisfaction.

I found it. I've found my code of ethics.

You know, that set of "rules for living" that just resonates deep within you?

Yes, of course I lean towards the Christian set of ethics, but there are inherent things that just bother me... whether they be misunderstandings on my part or genuinely held ideals.

Anyway, while Stumbling today, I came across this gem: Native American Code of Ethics.

Read, and be inspired.

1. Rise with the sun to pray. Pray alone. Pray often. The Great Spirit will listen, if you only speak.
2. Be tolerant of those who are lost on their path. Ignorance, conceit, anger, jealousy and greed stem from a lost soul. Pray that they will find guidance.
3. Search for yourself, by yourself. Do not allow others to make your path for you. It is your road, and yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.
4. Treat the guests in your home with much consideration. Serve them the best food, give them the best bed and treat them with respect and honor.
5. Do not take what is not yours whether from a person, a community, the wilderness or from a culture. It was not earned nor given. It is not yours.
6. Respect all things that are placed upon this earth—whether it be people, animal or plant. Honor the Spirit in all things.
7. Honor other people’s thoughts, wishes and words. Never interrupt another or mock or rudely mimic them. Allow each person the right to personal expression.
8. Never speak of others in a bad way. The negative energy that you put out into the universe will multiply when it returns to you. All persons make mistakes. And all mistakes can be forgiven. Bad thoughts cause illness of the mind, body and spirit. Practice optimism.
9. Nature is not for us, it is a part of us. They are part of your worldly family.
10. Children are the seeds of our future. Plant love in their hearts and water them with wisdom and life’s lessons. When they are grown, give them space to grow.
11. Avoid hurting the hearts of others. The poison of your pain will return to you.
12. Be truthful at all times. Honesty is the test of ones will within this universe.
13. Keep yourself balanced. Your mental self, spiritual self, emotional self, and physical self—all need to be strong, pure and healthy. Work out the body to strengthen the mind. Grow rich in spirit to cure emotional ails.
14. Make conscious decisions as to who you will be and how you will react. Be responsible for your own actions.
15. Respect the privacy and personal space of others. Do not touch the personal property of others—especially sacred and religious objects. This is forbidden.
16. Be true to yourself first. You cannot nurture and help others if you cannot nurture and help yourself first.
17. Respect others religious beliefs. Do not force your belief on others.
18. Share your good fortune with others. Participate in charity. Be willing to give back to the people, so that People will live.