I went to church yesterday. It was, surprisingly, a good experience. I mean, I didn't go for the full thing, only the last few minutes of the sermon. I was there, after all, to see some old friends, not to "receive the Word". The bit of the sermon that I caught was amusing. Lots of adjectives applied to those who don't believe, blanket statements and opinions stated as fact. Interpretations of Bible verses touted with supreme confidence that they are interpreted correctly. It was fine. I didn't mind. It's not for me, not anymore, and I know he meant well. He did a good job drawing out the audience, though. Wait, sorry, congregation. Not audience. It wasn't a show, not for them. He did a lot of the quoting of a phrase and leaving the last word out so that the congregation would chime in with the appropriate word or phrase. Several bouts of Amen-ing. He was good. Emphatic. Enthusiastic, in a reserved way, and humorous at appropriate times. He definitely gets points for presentation.

I saw the friends that I came to see, and it was very good to see them. I, of course, was on the walker since I have a hard time getting around without it anymore. It saddened them (and many others) to see that, and the husband, a physician, was very compassionate and understanding about the fibromyalgia pain. When he learned the barest extent of what I'm dealing with, he shook his head and stated emphatically, "No, not you! I don't want you to be dealing with this. I won't let it. It's not allowed." It was pretty adorable. They were very happy to see me, as was everyone else. I made the rounds and said hello to those I know and love, and then hightailed it home while I still had energy to drive. It was fun to smile and hug and share small talk (and give super sarcastic answers as to why I have the walker hehe), but it took so much energy. Even just the brief time I was there left me so drained that I slept well into the evening, woke for a few hours, and then slept again. I was awake for another couple of hours and watched a movie with C before going to bed and getting another full night's sleep. Besides the energy it took to drive and interact, people have a tendency to squeeze or pat when they hug, and of course they don't realize how painful it is for me. I actually had to correct Gramma (yet again) when she hugged me and patted me vigorously on the back, as she does. I winced and exclaimed in pain and reminded her that she can't do that anymore! She was abashed, and hopefully she remembers next time. lol.

I had a talk with C last night that went… well, not that it didn't go well, but I'm just not very good at on the spot explaining my thoughts and feelings. I need time to puzzle them out, smooth them into straight and discernible lines and patterns before laying them out to be seen and evaluated. I thought about blogging through it before talking to him, but I thought I might as well just take the plunge. He told me that I'm not very good at it, and I'd have to agree. So after a bit I will try to type it all out, make sense of it, and then read that to him. I think I got my point across, but it was a bit… muddled. Mushy. Complicated.

We just haven't seen much of each other lately, and I don't like it. I've been sleeping a lot, and he's been gaming online with B a lot, and we've just kind of been… like ships in the night, I guess. Not to mention that I've been so tired and sick and in pain that we have hardly been intimate at all this month, and that is a grievous thing to me. It impacts my sense of well-being in the relationship, but how to remedy it? There really is no way… and that is immensely frustrating. Ah well. Later. More later. I'll reason it all out. For now, I just want to think about my upcoming birthday and how I want to spend it.

So I have a "confession" to make. (I put confession in quotes, because the word connotes the sense that I've done something bad that I am admitting to, but I don't consider this particular thing to be bad, actually. It's just the word that most accurately conveys the type of discussion I'm about to have with myself.)

I'm done with Christianity.

I went to church a week and a half ago, and it was nice to see all the people that I'm familiar with and that care about me. That was the good part. I did get sick and have to leave just a few minutes into the sermon, but I kind of expected that. What I was looking for was... I dunno. Some kind of fulfillment. I have so much nostalgia attached to church and the singing of hymns, of listening with rapt attention to the sermon and following along in my Bible. I miss that culture sometimes, I really do. SOULS was a good time, despite all of the difficulties I experienced and the twisted ideas I came away with. I miss the camaraderie, the  passionate pursuit of a common goal. I miss the music. Oh, do I miss the music... I miss the intellectually stimulating conversations, the inside jokes, the whole culture of Adventism. I miss belonging to something.

But I didn't find that when I went to church. I didn't find anything but my friends, and even that wasn't enough. I watched the service through new eyes, and I was disappointed to find that it no longer seemed to fit in with the reality of my world. I wanted it to. I wanted it all to make sense like it used to, but it just didn't. It doesn't. But I was willing to overlook that, to try to get back into it.

Today, though, E and I went to one of the high risk charter high schools to do a presentation on teen dating violence. While we were going through the teen power and control wheel (see picture below), we were talking about abusive control. E was talking, and she was describing how a partner manipulates the other with, "If you love me, you'll _______" to get them to do what the abusive partner wants. When E said that phrase, "If you love me," the words that immediately leapt to mind to complete the phrase was a Bible verse-- John 14:15. "If you love me, keep my commandments."

That's a sentiment that's always kind of bothered me. That, and the follow-up chapter, John 15, especially verse 14: "You are my friends if you do whatever I command you." Well, duh. Of course I'd be friends with someone if they did whatever I told them to! That's always what I thought when coming across those verses, and it bothered me.

Don't get me wrong-- I think the Bible has a lot of good things going for it. There are plenty of fabulous principles to live your life by. Waiting until a mature, monogamous, long term relationship to have sex? That's good sense that's been backed up by neuropsychology. Not killing other people? Yeah, that's a pretty good idea too. Taking care of your body, treating it as a temple, a special thing? Also a great idea.

But the more I learn and heal from my past abuse the more I see why I've had such a hard time dealing with God and religion and church... because there are so many abusive, controlling overtones and triggers. Sure, some people can deal with it, and that's great. My friend J? Religion works for her. The God thing works for her. That's how she lives her life, and she's a fantastic person, and I'm really happy for her. But I just can't do it. I can't get behind someone that says, "If you love me, you will do _______." John 15:10 says, "If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commands and remain in his love."

"I will love you if you do what I say. If you love me, do what I tell you to." No. I don't think so. Sorry.

So I guess that makes me an agnostic now. I believe in a higher power, though whether that's an actual conscious intelligence or just the greater balancing force of the universe, I couldn't say right now. But I definitely believe there's more going on than just our teeny tiny little humanness down here on Earth.

Maybe someday I'll get back to Christianity. Maybe I won't. I couldn't say for sure right now. But I am relieved to have made up my mind one way or another, though I didn't expect it to come so quickly and decisively, and definitely not in the middle of a session on teen dating violence! What a place to have an epiphany, huh?

I'm not going to go announcing this from the rooftops, but I just hope that I don't lose too many of my Christian friends over this... but I guess that if they don't love me if I'm not a Christian, then a.) they weren't really my friends in the first place, and b.) they're not living up to that Christian standard they profess? I know I won't have any problems with my atheist or pagan friends. Shoot, they'll probably be happy for me. C says that he's glad that I'm getting stronger. What he means by that is that I'm thinking for myself, making my own decisions despite the possibility of disapproval from others, and I'm not doing the codependent people-pleasing thing any longer. I'm glad, too. Honestly, I'm scared of the potential rejection and backlash (and I'm really dreading possible evangelism attempts), but I know that I can be true to myself and stick to my guns. I can. But oh... I'm nervous. Please, nobody give me a tough time...

M's memorial was last night. It was hard, but it was good. I cried a lot. It was the "goodbye" that I never said. If M's memorial was any indication, I'm going to absolutely lose it at D's memorial. I won't be able to stop crying, I'm pretty sure. It's going to be ugly.

I just wish that the event hadn't been tainted by pushy people trying to guilt me into coming back to church. I literally had someone tell me that God was speaking through them and that God wanted me to do a certain thing for the church. I told them that I was pretty sure they were the ones that wanted me to do it, and that I was not committing to anything. Then I shut my mouth and focused on my watermelon.

In any event... M is at rest now. All we can do is remember him, and let his life inspire us to lead better ones, because he really was an inspiration.

My friend that died was only 19. We grew up together in our small church, so even though I didn't get to know him well personally as we got older, his loss is a hard blow. He died of a single gunshot wound in the wee hours of Monday morning, and his parents are devastated.

I texted BJ yesterday, wondering when the funeral/memorial service would be. She told me what she knew, then mentioned that there was a grief counseling session for the youth of the church going on right then. Although I was grieving more for D than M at that point, I hopped in my car and beelined it over there. It was good, and I'm glad I went. We shared stories and memories of M for a good hour before loading ourselves in cars and visiting his parents to share our good memories. They were encouraged by the sharing, but I could see how torn up they were. It must be hard, to have memories of their son constantly surrounding them... even with D, I'm so far removed from the situation that my grieving comes in spurts. If I were back home with the S's, the agony of my heart would be unceasing.

The language that I'm hearing over and over again is, no surprise, that of the hope of seeing these two again. SDA's believe in the resurrection of the righteous at the second coming of Jesus, that death is but a "dreamless sleep" until then, and that the righteous will spend all eternity in heaven. I was raised hearing and reading and believing this version of things, but as I sat in that room with all the other teary-eyed young people and adults, I realized, much as I did when SOULS came last year, that I don't believe that anymore.

When C came home, I turned to him and said, "I think I'm an atheist." He replied, "...Congratulations?"

I should make it clear that C has never pressured me in any way to leave my beliefs or my church and adopt his viewpoint. He's listened to what I have to say, sat through my explanations of Bible passages and church doctrine, and even listened attentively as I read him Case for a Creator on the trip to and from the Renaissance Festival. He has not hesitated to share his side of things, of course, but his point of view is that I can believe whatever I want, but the important thing is that I believe it for myself and because I have thought it out myself. He doesn't want me to believe and follow something just because other people are influencing me to do so (which includes being afraid of disappointing people by adopting a different viewpoint). Have his beliefs influenced me? Absolutely yes, but that's because as I've begun to question and think for myself these past few years, my church's version of things made less and less sense. God made less and less sense. I began to cobble together my own philosophy, based on my observations of the world around me, and then when I was exposed to C's point of view, well... the two were very similar.

I'm not set in any particular belief system at this point. I'm still... in flux, I guess you could say. I'm not an atheist in reality, for I still believe in the existence of God, or a higher power, or whatever, but... although I believe in God, I don't believe in God. Do you see the distinction?

Honestly? I've found that I'm much happier, balanced, and accepting now that I've left Christianity. The whole "atheists are immoral heathens" thing is so not true. Atheists are some of the best people that I know. I know some really good Christians, too, but I think it has more to do with the person than the belief system. Don't get me wrong-- Christianity has a great philosophy, and if people would live life the way that Jesus espoused the world would be a heck of a lot better place. And that's what I'm trying to do-- live the life that Jesus advocated... except without the God part.

I've heard that without God you can't love other people, that there's no source of goodness without him.  Since I no longer believe that I'm an unworthy person who needs saving from myself, I'm free to see the goodness and love that I have inside of me. It comes from me, from a decision to love the people around me, and so many other people have made that decision independent of any kind of divine mandate or indwelling. Atheists, the supposedly heartless immorals, have done a damn lot of good in the world for no reason other than that they saw the suffering and neediness of their fellow human beings and wanted to relieve it.

I've also heard that being an atheist diminishes the sanctity of life, makes it just some happenstance thing that has no consequence or bearing. While I suppose that's true, in a way (for they don't believe that they are the metaphorical center of the universe as Christians do), I think it brings as great or greater a reverence for life as the belief of creation by a personal deity. Consider these two quotes:

“Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life - weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget Jesus. The stars died so that you could be here today.” ― Lawrence M. Krauss

“We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds, how dare we whine at our inevitable return to that prior state from which the vast majority have never stirred?” ― Richard Dawkins

The thing that really bothered me, the thing that really disturbed my previous lines of thinking, was a quote from Epicurus that I stumbled across that put a voice to the quailing doubts and angry questions I have about God. I began vacillating and questioning while I lived in ID, but there was too much at stake there for me to give full expression to most of my doubts. I broke out of one of the church's doctrines while there, and received a mighty backlash from it. That taught me not to rock the boat. But once I moved away, once the reputation of a wonderful family didn't rest upon my actions, I was free to pursue a path that made sense to me, one that resonated with both my being and my mind. I didn't come across this quote until that time, and it's probably a good thing, because if I had found it while I was still up north... I think all hell would have broken loose. It would have put me in quite the hard place emotionally and mentally, I can assure you.

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"  - Epicurus [341–270 B.C.]

I guess I'll end with that. It sums it up pretty well for me.

I know that at the memorial on Friday (and whenever D's memorial is) I'll be hearing a lot about the Second Coming, and that's fine. To me, all this talk about seeing them again and Satan out there working hard, etc. simply sounds like people trying to make sense of the bad stuff that happens in the world, and clinging to a comforting thought because they cannot face the finality of loss. But I know that they really, really believe it, and it brings them comfort and hope, so... I'm not going to say a word. Not a peep from me.

To be brutally honest, though? I do miss having that comfort... the thought of seeing the ones I love again. I just don't want to truly say goodbye.

So here it is, folks. Another post about God.

More specifically, a post about God and why his peeps sometimes annoy me.

Okay, I'm going to start this out with an earth-shattering confession...

I don't wanna be a Christian. I don't want to serve God. I don't want to wait breathlessly on his plan for my life. I inwardly cringe when I catch mention of the phrase "God's will" (for your life, for this or that, etc.). I try to avoid talking about religion or God with anyone I don't emphatically know is either a heathen, a pagan, or an atheist/agnostic. (There are, of course, a few exceptions... but they're pretty few and far between.)

Why, you ask?

Because Christians have been given the gospel. And the gospel is all about telling people about God, and going forth, and all that jazz... so when you're having a conversation about God, the near-inevitable outcome is that the gospel rises within them and they go forth to your brain and your opinions and your worldview and proceed to try to get you around to their way of thinking, somehow.

I was there once. I know how this game is played. And now that I'm on the other side of the net? I wish I'd never done that to people.

Seriously. I have so. much. regret. about my canvassing days and the post-SOULS years. So much guilt and embarrassment. Why, oh why, did I do those things to people?

Well, I didn't know any better. I was trained to do that. And I desperately wanted acceptance, approval, and a spot in the world. Oh, and I wanted God to like me.

E says my understanding of Christianity is warped. I say fine. Then I don't feel so bad laying it down and trying to figure out what's real.

I'm not trying to justify my choices at all. I fully acknowledge that a great many people who are or have at one time been invested in my life to a high degree would be disappointed, crushed, heartbroken, or any combination of negative adjectives upon hearing this. But it's not about other people, is it? No, not at all.

It's not just that I have anger issues with God. I fully acknowledge that one, as well. It's more than that, though...

A friend told me not to terribly long ago that I'm a very accepting person, very open, and it's true. As black and white as my thinking tends to be, I have a hard time seeing the world around me in strictly blacks and whites. The claim of exclusive truth always felt off to me, and I resent the implications that exclusive truth brings. (Namely, that everyone else is wrong!)

I was walking and praying, probably about this time last year, and puzzling over church, God, my involvement with the two... my heart... my brain... my questions... and then I walked under this tree. And I had an epiphany of sorts.

What if God is a tree? I mean, what if God is the trunk, and all those branches are the different religions or worldviews or whatever? (Keep in mind that I'd just been learning about learning styles in a class of mine.) What if each soul has a particular "learning style", and they gravitate toward the branch that will teach them who God is most clearly? For some, that may be Adventism. For others, that may be Islam. For yet others, that may be Wicca. But each soul learns about who God really is, just through different means.

It made a lot of sense to me. Despite my rigid adherence to SDAism for so many years, I naturally gravitate towards the faiths that find their understanding more in the natural world, through rituals, and through the world around them.

Don't get me wrong-- I totally believe in Intelligent Design. I believe in a Creator. I just realize that I don't know diddly squat about him, and the God that I've been interacting with all these years could very well be a figment of my imagination because he's not like how I've imagined him to be at all and I've just been projecting things onto him... which means that the God I know could be, for all intents and purposes, all in my head.

Do I believe that God inspired the writing of the Bible? Assuredly. Do I believe that it's inerrant? In intent, yes. There are contradictions within the pages of the Bible, both in details and in more philosophical aspects (like God's split personality, for one), and anyone who denies this is really, really living in la-la-land. Even the ABC has books about reconciling the "apparent" contradictions in the Bible. They're there.

Do I believe that the Bible is the only literature God ever inspired? No. I do not.

See, I've had questions for a long time... questions that I've never fully articulated or examined, because I knew that my faith wasn't up to the test. One of the reasons I hated going door to door was that I couldn't stand pushing stuff on people that I didn't fully or really believe myself. I ran across two quotations that really challenged me, though, and disturbed my placid pool of Christianity deeply.

The first is by Epicurus, and is pretty famous. (They're both pretty famous, actually.) It goes like this:
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"

That pretty well sums up why I'm so angry and yes, even somewhat bitter, with God. He could have stopped my molestation and abuse. But he didn't. Didn't he want to? Did he just not see what was happening? Did he not care?

I've gotten the standard Adventist answer about the Great Controversy more times than I can count, and I've handed it out more times than I can count. I've even tried really hard to believe it, and I do sometimes. But it just doesn't satisfy my deep need for a God that cares. Yes, I know. Jesus. Right. Please, I went to Bible college, I've got this down. But that's God caring about humanity. Where's the God that cares about the toddler that was placed in a hot oven that seared her back? Where's the God that cares about the same toddler, locked in a cold bath with ice cubes until her lips were blue and laughed at by her mom's jealous, abusive boyfriend? Where's the God that cares about the skinny child with large bloody bruises across her buttocks and legs from being beat with a leather belt because she interrupted her step-dad's video game? Where's the God that cares about that child as she slept on blankets in the hallway to avoid being alone in her room at night, only to have her abuser join her in plain sight and work his hand between her legs, or spill his semen all over her blankets?

Where's the God that's going to do anything about all that shit? I'm just getting started on the tragic experiences, you know.

Where's the God that listened to the cries and prayers of that girl who believed in him so fervently, who believed all that talk about just asking Jesus and he'd come make everything better? (It's a bunch of b.s., by the way. Just praying to Jesus doesn't make anything better, despite what you hear in Sabbath school. He may be there with you, but he's a pretty passive bystander.)

And shoot, that's just my story. What about the little girl in H who was being raped by her dad and brothers, who prayed and prayed for God to help her, and even made sure to describe how to get to her house after time had passed and he hadn't stopped them? What about the story in Angels Among Us where God sends an angel to keep that little girl from being molested? WTF, God? Really? You're gonna jump in for her, but not for me, or for my girls in group, or for the other countless children that are being beaten, starved, or molested?

I'm sorry, but I'm not content to sit around accept this absent father God anymore.

Did you know that I realized I'm a quasi-Buddhist recently? I stumbled across this Q&A about Buddhism that was really, really well written, and I realized while going through it that I believed a lot of the same things they do. In this last year of searching and thinking and praying, I've developed a lot of beliefs and come to a lot of conclusions that Buddhism has been espousing for thousands of years. Funny, huh? The big, huge difference is that Buddhists do not believe that gods exist, whereas I do. So I can't be entirely Buddhist, but I definitely embrace most of their philosophies. That's pretty much the path I'm taking at this point.

Here's the other quote that shook me up so deeply. This one is from Marcus Aurelius.
“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”

That's kind of where I'm at at this point.

I'm tired. I'm tired of performing. Tired of trying to make it work. Tired of trying to be "right"... Should being right be this hard? I mean, if it's right... should it not be at least a little self-evident?

And the thing is... I really can't tell any of this to Christians, because it's appalling to them. It's abhorrent. Especially because I was once one of the elite, a shining star, an example to the other youth and an encouragement to the older generations.

How the mighty have fallen. Heh.

Again, it's not about other people. It's really not. It's about me doing what I perceive to be the best and most right thing... right now.

I am in no way claiming that this is not all subject to change, because it totally is. I could change my mind tomorrow! But that's the beauty of free will, and religious freedom. I have the choice to change my mind.

I just wish that people would accept that, stop trying to change my mind, stop being all disappointed and pouty when the realize I don't believe as they do anymore, stop being threatened by my choices... and just let me be. 

Please. Just let me be. Let me make my own choices. Stop trying to change my mind. I'm not doing this purposely to screw with you, you know. I'm trying to find my way through life, just like everyone else... Except that I don't derive my power to be happy, optimistic, productive, or even functional from God. It's inside me, where it's always been. It was only after realizing that I'm the one that's been doing all the work that I felt free. It's been me that's worked on myself, me that has healed, me that has taken risks and accepted challenges and made mistakes and been a good person. (Granted, a lot of times I was a good person out of fear of what would happen if I wasn't, but it was still me.)

Maybe God uses the strength I have inside myself to get stuff done. Maybe God uses the people around me to lift me up and speak words of life that encourage and inspire me. But I'm done with the image that he's camped out in a tent somewhere inside me with an assortment of factories that he uses to produce various things like goodness, strength, etc.

Anyway, I've probably gone on enough of a bitter diatribe here to last for a good, long time.

But before I quit, I do want to address one more thing that really, really bothers me. 

I am marrying an atheist. It's true.

However, please refrain from the following sentence when you talk about him:

"He's a really good guy, but..."

Yes, the "but" refers to his atheism. It's like all the virtues, all the good qualities, all the responsible behaviors and solid choices and the moral nature are all canceled out by the fact that he doesn't believe in God. That he had questions that were never satisfactorily answered by religion or the Bible. That he saw contradictions and hypocrisy and wanted nothing to do with it. That he was burned by Christians themselves, judged and dismissed because they knew one thing about him that they didn't agree with. 

And I've gotten the "but", too, in regards to my choices.

You're a good person, but you can't actually be considered a good person, because of this. I'm sorry. You fail the morality test. Sure, you got every other question right, but those actually don't count for anything. It's this one that determines whether you pass or fail. (Because really... if a Christian is a bad person or makes a bad choice, well, God can forgive anything, right? And they probably weren't really a Christian to begin with. But if an atheist or some other religion is a bad person or makes a bad choice, well, see? Those amoral hooligans just can't do anything else. They've given in to the carnal nature, and the carnal nature is emnity against God. Yep. It just stands to reason.)

No more "but"s.

I'm a good person. I have been a good person. And I will continue to be a good person.

Whether that's as a Christian, as a quasi-Buddhist, as a Wiccan, or as an atheist, I will still be a good person. Who I am is not what God I believe in, or how I choose to worship him.

So no more "but"s, okay? And I promise to try to be more tolerant of Christians and not roll my eyes so much.

Deal? :)

Okay, I know the title of this post sounds like a downer, but I'm really not depressed or all angsty or anything. It's just how I would sum up my how I was feeling on Saturday.

Going to church screws me up.

As my friend C points out, that may be a good thing.

It brings out all my God-issues again and stirs up the disappointment, the anger, the profound sense of betrayal and loss... the caustic, sarcastic disbelief and the wounded, trembling child.

I don't like it.

But... I think she's right. It is still something that must be dealt with, layer by layer, from the inside out.

I left church because it was the right thing for me. I wasn't able to be healthy there at that time, and I still feel that way. It's not just because it stirs up all that stuff (although I won't lie, that's definitely a motivating factor), but because I always, always slip back into being this fake person, this achiever, this outward-focused, judgmental bitch, and I hate it. The worst part is that most of it is focused on myself. It is almost a given that I will hate myself, hate God, or both while I'm a church-goer.

I can't say that I'm not going back until I learn to get over that stuff, because it could very well be that I need to go back in order to learn to get over that stuff... but it's still not time yet. It's closer than it was, but not yet. I do feel as though I've learned more about myself and who I truly am since I walked out the doors and got rid of the mold I was trying to force myself into. That's been a pleasantly surprising process, and I know I'm far from done. I also know that I don't have to complete it before I go back.

Still, I'm glad I went. My grandparents were so pleased to see me, so excited... it almost made me feel guilty. Almost. It's like their joy at seeing me in church was an unconscious pressure to come back, to make their joy complete... but I can't go back for that reason, either. It wouldn't be real, and I would stifle. So many people had the same response. I felt very loved, yet also... bad. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't know the mindset... the thoughts of "she's a young person wandering from the path but she'll be back..." I guess it just annoys me to think that the path I'm on could be so unworthy that I must be required to abandon it if I am to be "right" again. Blech. I can't even really verbalize this one this time. That's unusual for me.

The hardest part was not God, was not the quiet pressure from the pleased expressions, hugs, and well-meaning questions about where I've been.

The hardest part was the walker.

"What's that for?"
"What happened to you?"
"That's not yours, is it?"
"What do you need that thing for?"
"You're too young to need that!"
And, the very worst...

"What's wrong with you?"

Okay. Pause. Breathe. Think. Process.

I know they mean well. I know they're caring individuals who are shocked to see me with a walker, when the last time they saw me I was walking about freely. I know it's just the car-crash effect, and I know that they ask because they care.

But really?

There is nothing wrong with me. I am not defective because I struggle with constant, overwhelming pain. Just because certain parts of my body don't work as well as they ought to doesn't mean that I am somehow inherently flawed, alright?

When you hear the same thing over and over again, you start to believe it... and I left pretty down. I'd already been struggling with depression for the last week, and yesterday was a tough blow. Fortunately, I have some pretty potent tools in my toolbox, and I was able to avoid sliding into a depressive spiral, but it was tough.

I think the worst part is that I don't look sick. The walker/limp/stiffened gait are really the only outward indicators that I've got any illnesses at all. My wedding pictures are gonna come out great, because I'm slender and fairly toned, my skin is clear and my teeth are white, and my smile is as wide as ever. My thyroid problems don't show up outwardly now that I've got my acne under control. My adrenal issues aren't emblazoned across my forehead. My food allergies don't flash like a neon sign above my head. My miscellaneous gastro problems don't announce their presence via loudspeaker. (Um, unless I'm having flatulence issues... lol) It's just... that walker.

Usually, I'm pretty proud of it. I mean, I know I have to use it, so I might as well rock it, right? It's beautiful, and to me it's a sign that I'm a fighter and an overcomer. I will not let my illnesses keep me housebound or immobile. I will figure out ways around my problems and keep on keeping on.

But on Saturday... I felt like it branded me as some sort of defective piece of lower-class workmanship.

What's wrong with you?

How about this? How about asking me a different set of questions? Something like...
"How are you doing?"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"You didn't need this before. How are you handling the transition?"
"Is there anything I can do to help?"

I liked the way the young man in Wal-Mart approached me. He pointed out the existence of the walker and politely asked why I needed it. When I told him I had fibromyalgia, the first thing out of his mouth was, "How are you handling the diagnosis?"

Wow. I've never run across that before or since. It really impressed me. I felt like he saw me as a person, not as a "less than" or a poser. I felt like a human being, and it was really nice. I felt the same way I do around C and my other supportive, understanding people, but it was coming from a total stranger.

I tell you, this has definitely impacted my thinking on how I relate to others, and how the questions I ask them might be taken.

Oh, and there is one other thing that I ran across (inevitably)...

Don't try to fix me.

I'm already doing my damned best, and I don't need anyone to imply that I'm not, or that if I did something different that I wouldn't have to be this way...

Because when you try to fix someone and assume they're not already on top of it, you're implying that it's their fault. They wouldn't have to be this way if they didn't want to, because you're offering them the cure! If they don't get better, it's their fault.

I hate, hate, hate that!

It's not my fault, and there's nothing wrong with me, alright?

*sigh* Moving on...

I created an entry for the Spread the Spoonz Awareness Campaign, and this is it:

This is the mantra that I repeat to myself almost every day, especially on days when I just don't "have it", or days when I'm feeling really insecure and inadequate about my performance (or lack thereof) and my inability to do or be everything that I want.

It was a good, fun exercise, especially since I was fighting that darn depression. It was quite therapeutic, and I'm glad that I saved it for that particular day.

C was also a good support. I came home from church and he just held me, listened to me, and let me vent... affirmed me :) He made me laugh, which was great. He also indulged me in my favorite anti-depressant/painkiller. (That's an innuendo, for those of you who didn't catch that.)

I'm glad I'm marrying him. (Five weeks from today! Whoohoo!) He has passed some of the most difficult tests of a true partner, and proven his loyalty, love, and compatibility. What a catch! I only hope that I can be as much of a faithful partner and loving support to him as he is to me. That's what I strive for, every day.

• Red toenails <3
• Still waiting impatiently for a good house to pop up
• SUPER excited about the nearness of the wedding and the belovedness of my beloved
• Beginning to be overwhelmed by wedding stuff... afraid of failure? (Little details keep popping up, and I'm wondering what else I've overlooked?)
• I've filled up my plate to the max; no adding anything else. (Work, school, tutoring, wedding, doctor's appointments, sexual assault support group, managing health)
• Finally got a consistent schedule going... for the moment.
• Thinking about calling my dad...
• Feeling a little bummed at Mom's (perceived) unavailability right now, because I'm feeling really insecure and vulnerable about the upcoming wedding, but also excited, and I was hoping for support from that corner 'cause she's been there fairly recently, plus she's my mommy. (I understand that Mom has her own stuff going on... and a lot of it. But still bummed.)
• Going to church this Sabbath for the grand opening of my grandparent's new church building. (They've been working towards that goal since '95!)
• Grampa was so excited to hear that I'm coming to church. Suuuuper cute :)
• Feeling insecure about popping up at church after all this time. I know the people there love me and are well meaning, buuuuut... I'm going to be exhausted by the time I leave, I'm sure. Well-meaning questions. Not to mention I'll have to have my walker with me...
• Got a flyer for my church's Revelation Seminar in the mail the other day. It felt weird to be on the other side for a change.
• I'm able to go 5 hours between Tramadol now! That's up from 3 or 4 before the refill, and I don't double up anymore.
• Still losing weight... I estimate between 1/2 lb. and 1 lb. a week, roughly. E is freaking out, afraid I'll get too thin. (Mexican mommas... what can you do?) I haven't lost my boobs, though, so I'm content.
• I realized the other night how attractive I am. Caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror and noticed the shadowing of my arm muscles. I turned around and noticed how muscular my back is. Came to the conclusion that I'm hot. (C merely shook his head in disbelief that it took me this long to figure it out.)
• I'm gonna look fabulous in my wedding dress! I'm thinner, I'm toned, clear skin, whiter teeth... Daaaaaaaamn. lol
• Mom ordered her side of things this week and shipped out my dress!
• R bought the family's tickets today. They're really, really coming!
• Sent the S's my share of the money for H's fare. It was more than I had remembered, and I'm grateful for that.
• C just kissed me real nice.
• I selected my wedding jewelry today, and it's super meaningful.
• Contrary to the last time I took out my earrings to clean the piercings, I was able to get them back in on the first try! (Also, I tried on a pair of "real" earrings and got those in on the first try as well.)
• Never get too comfortable walking around your home in the buff. You may end up full-frontaling your room-mate at 5:45 a.m. (Sigh....)

...but I'm glad I have the choice of whether or not to be part of "the church" and its culture.

Really, I do have a choice.

I sometimes feel like I don't, what with all the people asking me where I've been, and which church I'm going to because they just don't see me anymore, and etc.

I don't really feel like openly stating, "I don't go to your church anymore," so I try to find creative ways to sidestep the issue. (I also don't feel like openly stating, I've been visiting Sunday churches. You know... just trying to align myself with the Devil and all.)

I just feel this pressure, like if I don't go to their church, then I can't possibly be having any sort of a relationship with God. It's either-or with these folks, or at least that's the message I've squirreled away over the years.

I guess what makes it the most awkward for me is that I went to the Super Bible College, so they expect me to be this force for good in the church my whole life, to be a leader and an evangelist, to be eternally true and faithful to the church's doctrines and prophet because I learned, like, everything there is to know about it and it's the truth so how could I possibly walk away without forsaking the very essence of truth itself?

Because, I mean, you can't worship God unless you're a regular church attendee. It's not allowed. And you can't trust God unless you're giving Bible studies or studying prophecy or posting EGW quotes on facebook. Nope. It simply cannot be.

You might think that there's another path you can follow, but that's really just post-modern junk tainting your worldview.

And that's why I avoid these kinds of conversations, especially with those who knew me in my super-avid-soul-winner mode. Those who really know me, well... they don't ask those kinds of questions, actually.

Text from a friend yesterday:

"Hi c. How are you? Missed you today. [Church, in case you were wondering.] F preached a sermon just for you. Love you."

I took the bait.

"Really? What was it about?"

"It was about you and the youth being the future of our church. About believing in you supporting you and never giving up on you. Can probably get a copy for you. How are you?"

...Oh.

I forgot. I'm supposed to be the future of the church.

Well, bother.

At this juncture, it doesn't look like that's going to pan out so well.

On the one hand, it's nice that people care, but... I always feel like their "caring" is fueled by the ulterior motive of getting me back in church, and I dislike being manipulated, no matter how altruistic or well-intentioned the motive is.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get ready for church. I'm visiting the Episcopalian church today.

P.S.-- Adventists who are reading this: tuck this away for a rainy day. You'll probably never get anyone to tell you this kind of stuff to your face, especially if they're avoiding church. Why? Because Adventists are vicious evangelists, and any conversation is a chance that you'll be sneak-saved.

I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with fundamentalist religion.

I mean, it's not like they're doing anything, but...

I don't know.

It's just like, Really? Your way is the only way? Ever? Really. Because it seems to me that things were done a lot differently than your way for eons. Your way is a product of a certain time period, a certain school of thought present in a certain era... Yet that now automatically becomes the only right way to do things ever in the history of mankind and anyone who deviates from it is hellbound.

I guess I'm just frustrated with the rigidity and the insufferable arrogance that precipitates the statement that "we alone have the truth". 

No, it's not about "being allowed" to do things or not do certain things. It's not about, "I never got to go to the movies as a child." It's not about, "I can't eat this or I can't drink that."

It's about being right. It's about black and white, truth and deception, and the idea that if you don't subscribe to a certain set of beliefs then you're deluded and will face eternal doom. It's about no room for relationship, for pilgrimage, for honest-to-god seeking and trying and working out your problems. It's about I'm too tired to try anymore. It's about too many people being torn down, stomped on, and damaged by the straitlaced certainty that Jesus is coming and you damn well better be ready.

It's about this.

Fb status update on my timeline--
"Different personalities praise God most genuinely in different ways. Different generations praise God most genuinely in different ways. So no one style of worship should be imposed on everyone as morally correct. That makes church services stifling. Worship turns into ritual. Everything begins to seem memorized. The most joyful worship happens when people find a language that speaks to their innermost emotions, that gives voice to their inner self before God. That language could be a certain style of music, it could be a certain kind of congregational sharing, it could be a certain experience that a speaker shares. What will help people find their worship language is to allow room in the church for a variety of creative expression."

{Steven Mosley}

Response from certainly well-meaning fundamentalist friend--

Hate to be an old stick in the mud, But there is only one way to worship God.

It's about how I wish we could all be free to be who we really are without that message hitting us in the psychological groin... You know, the Christian worldview. God made you in his image, so you were supposed to be good, except that we're all screwed up because of sin so you really aren't good, but you can be good with God in your life, except that you'll never actually be a good person, it's just God puppeting. Good puppeteer, bad puppet. Sorry kid, that's the breaks.

The sign on the church down the street blares this message at me every time I drive by: "God loves you not because you're awesome, but because he is."

Well, thank you for that.

No, seriously. You just taught me how not to parent. Think about it-- would you not be outraged if you heard a parent tell a child in all earnestness, "You're rotten, but I love you. See how wonderful I am?"

Uh, no. 

If we don't buy this on the human scale, why do we buy it on the cosmic scale?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not preaching the gospel of entitlement, here... I'm just advocating for intrinsic worth... something I feel that I have yet to find inside the doors of a church.

Maybe I'll end up a new ager. Maybe I'll end up a secular humanist. Maybe I'll realize that all this stuff I thought Christianity was saying was actually a misunderstanding on my part.

Whatever happens, I know I'm not going to be joining a church if I still hear this message from the people and the pulpit.

(By the way, ever read the book Sybil? It's horrifying and captivating-- an insight into a deeply wounded mind that did what it had to in order to survive. Guess what? Sybil's parents were SDA. That's right, she was raised among our ranks. Now, I'm not saying that's got anything to do with her torture, because her mom was legitimately insane and psychotic and a horrible, horrible person, SDA or not. However, seeing the religious compunctions and restrictions that come up during her recovery are... interesting. Obviously, having been raised in the 30's, the mindset was different. Decidedly more Victorian. However, considering it to be sinful to be unhappy? Yeah, I've heard that in recent years. Therapy is of the devil? Yup, heard that too. You just need to pray through your problems? I've definitely heard that one. Anyway, just an interesting side note. I resonate more with Sybil than I'd care to, on many levels, including the SDA background.)