Okay, I'm definitely better after some sleep... and a couple of inspirational posts by fellow chronic illness bloggers.

I'm actually not up for the day, but I woke up because my bladder was screaming at me, and my stomach was hollering for food. So I'm up for quick snack, but it's back to bed with me in a few minutes.

Look for wedding posts coming up soon, but I did want to make a couple of quick notes of little things that I'll forget if I don't record.

First, and most notably, C and I had all kinds of fun, introspective conversation snatches during the honeymoon itself, and the ride back home. I learned a few things.

• C genuinely thinks that I'm attractive and beautiful. (Right, it's one of those things that you already know, but it's nice to learn it again and again.)
• He considers me the type who doesn't get easily offended over things.
• I am not a nagger by nature. I really have to try to nag in order to get it right.
• Unless I change as a person (i.e. becoming super Christian again and trying to force that upon C), he cannot conceive of a scenario where he would regret marrying me. He said that even if I become super ill, bedridden and unable to take care of myself, he would still not regret marrying me. He would be sad at what happened to me, but he would not regret marrying me at all.
• C is happy that we are building a life together as well, he just is not giddily happy about it as I am. He is reserving judgment on the whole scenario until the "honeymoon phase" passes-- about 6 months in. (This is similar to him refusing to be excited/happy about the house until he's got the front door key in his hand.)
• C has no expectations for married life. He considered marriage to be more of a goal, like a box on a checklist. He has been working towards marriage because that's just what you do: grow up, get a job, move out, get married, have a family. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Another thing is that guys will get all kinds of goofy in the head, evidenced by big goofy smiles, when you step outside your comfort zone to do something fun and sexy for them, no matter how nervous you are.

Thirdly, people treat you all kinds of nice when they find out you're a newlywed. How long does the newlywed status apply, anyway? Like, really, how long can I milk this? ;)

I'm still not anxious to return to "normal life". Vacation was nice, I won't lie. And having a vacation with someone else? It's so different than taking off on a trip or adventure of my own! Especially when that someone else pays for everything! ^_^ Truthfully, though, we did spend a few hundred less dollars than he was anticipating. We used less gas than C thought we would (all the attractions were within a five minute drive of the hotel), we ate out less, and the Sea World tickets were already paid for, so...

We did pick up one souvenir, besides the stamped pennies that I collected everywhere we went. We got a blown glass paperweight thingy, an elongated circle with a flat bottom. It has a white jellyfish inside that glows in the dark. Very cool. It was between that or a Sea World t-shirt. Um, no contest! I plan to use the four or five pennies as part of a commemorative windchime (seashells and pennies, anyone?), and I kept the maps and tickets and stuff to scrapbook along with our wedding photos.

We didn't take many photos, but here's a random bonus photo, just for fun. (He said he was smiling. Hmm.)

Packing for the honeymoon! ^_^

C came up with the idea to create and install footrests on my walker, so that if/when I get too fatigued to walk around anymore at our destinations, I can sit on the seat and he'll push me around. He's also the one that reminded me to bring a pillow to sit on. That man takes such good care of me! (Also, side note: apparently adult strollers are a thing. C joked about it, I googled it, and sure enough... they're basically wheelchairs with more framing and some straps.)

Got a new prescription for an increased amount of painkillers today, which relieves my fear of running out of painkillers on the honeymoon. I had to go in and talk to the receptionist to make it happen, but that's a very small price to pay.

I wired "my portion" of the house funds (the money given to me by others and accumulated in my bank account) into C's escrow account this morning. The lady that "helped" us was singularly unhelpful and frustrating, but we got it done anyway. This means that we have enough to cover our end of closing costs. Hallelujah! We're getting a house! And such a neat little house it is, too... Maybe I'm just biased, because it's my first house.

The guys are moving a new couch set into the apartment right now, except it's a giant sectional and too big for the front door's sharp angle into the house... so they are having to walk it all the way around the apartment complex and take it in through the porch's sliding glass door. Poor guys. But it's a nice couch, and we're getting it for free from one of the guys' parents, so SCORE! It'll do nicely in our new home.

I started growing my hair out over a year ago as a challenge to myself, because it hadn't been long in so very long. Then, when I got engaged, I knew for certain that I wanted long hair on my wedding day. Well, the thing is that when I do the same thing for lengths of time, I get antsy. The same goes for my hairstyle. It hadn't really changed in over a year, except to get longer and get trimmed and such. As the wedding approached, I found myself wanting to do something new, something different. I (barely) forced myself to wait until after the wedding, but now...

...a brunette bob! J says I look tired in this pic, and I probably do, but I thought I looked pretty good! :) Considering the flare I've been in, I look better here than I have since the wedding day.

Anyway, off to pack some more. I got to rest a bit while writing this, so it's back to the grindstone I go.

I overdid it yesterday.

See, that's the thing about life... you live and learn! :)

I did very, very well about not overdoing it the other day, and I was trying not to yesterday, but I over/underestimated a few factors that threw everything off... such as how much being in the sun will take out of you. It's one thing to walk around for an hour and a half indoors, but it's another thing entirely to walk around for the same amount of time under the unblinking gaze of the sun. I'll admit that I forgot sunscreen and got toasted-- I'm hoping to rectify those burn lines before I wear my strapless wedding dress!! lol

So I came home thoroughly exhausted yesterday, and totally cranky... and as the day went on, I felt worse and worse. It wasn't too bad until I cleaned out my colon. I felt like I really needed it, but I think it was too much of a stressor to my body, because I pretty much lost it after that. I felt horrible. Fibro fever, ho! Achy, feverish (but no raised temp, as usual), nausea, soooo tired, cranky... it was terrible!

I realized that it had been about 11 hours since I'd last taken a pain pill, and I was feeling so badly that C encouraged me to take one so I could fall asleep.

Honestly, I was feeling so flkjakjbroiejlkshoijt that I wasn't even interested in sex. I know, I know, crazy, right?! It was that bad. C came to bed early with me, because he was tired from the busy day as well. I had gone to bed a little before him, and was already dozed off when he joined me, but after we were all cuddled up he began making definite advances. I was *this* close to turning him down, but then I thought about it and realized that spending a little "special time" (as J calls it-- so cute!) would probably be beneficial to my situation and make me feel better. Sure enough, I felt SO much better when all was said and done! I mean, think about it-- it produces neurochemicals that are natural mood lifters and pain killers; it promotes movement, deep breathing, and elevates your heart rate, all of the things that are present in exercise (it is very, very important while you're in a flare to get at least a little exercise, even if you don't feel like it); in our case, it also promotes stretching and muscle strengthening. So I knew that it would be beneficial for me, and it's pretty easy for me to "get in the mood", so I just went with it, if only for the seratonin, endorphins, and oxytocin.

I was a little saddened to find that, for the first time, I experienced some pain during our special time that was clearly fibro pain. It wasn't enough to deter me, but I have read accounts from many, many people that fibromyalgia destroyed their sex life. I will not let that happen to me! Even if my libido decreases (which it has, lately), I know that I will be fine once we get started. Others have stated that the pain is too great for them to engage in sexual activity, and after last night I can begin to understand that. However, I recently purchased a book about sex and disability, and though I haven't read it yet, the back of the book assures me that it contains ideas for positions that "minimize pain and maximize pleasure". I figured it'd be useful as I'm trying to wrap my mind around my "new life", in all aspects.

I'm still preparing for our honeymoon, though. I haven't practiced my striptease at all, because I haven't had the energy, but I have practiced some of it while wearing other clothes. It was while dancing to my chosen song that I realized I don't need a fully choreographed dance, just a few basic moves that I can throw in there. I can dance well enough that I can do it on the spur of the moment, and it will be fine. Besides... I'm sure C won't be analyzing my dance routine for flaws!

I also picked up my honeymoon bikini the other day. The lighting in the stores is terrible! It highlighted every. single. flaw. and I felt really, really gross. I figured that C would probably start running the other direction! (Then I remembered that he sees me unclothed on a regular basis and isn't horrified, so the mirror must be lying... hehe.) I figured it would look better once I tried it on at home, in normal light, and I was right.

See? Totally not horrifying. Not bad, actually. It helps that the fibro has messed with my appetite, so I've lost weight, plus yoga is helping me to tone up and slim down. It's my legs that I'm SO self-conscious of! I have cellulite dips and bumps, and jiggly thighs. But you know what? C doesn't mind, so neither do I! I accept him with his flaws, though I don't really see them... I think he is very, very good looking, and I tell him that on a regular basis.

Oh, suuuuuper cute... Just have to share a couple of adorable things C has done lately :)

When he climbed into bed the other night, I woke up and snuggled up to him. I was chilly, and he was very warm, so I said, "Mmmmmm, you're warm..." He cuddled closer to me and said, "Mmmmmm, you're temperate...." LOL!

Then, yesterday as we were running errands, I saw a billboard for one of the "gentleman's clubs" (i.e. strip club) here in town, and I asked C if he'd ever let me be a stripper. He gave an emphatic, "NO!" (though I AM allowed to be a waitress, should I so choose, which I won't), and I asked why not. He said, "I'm crazy jealous! I'd show up every night and make sure that you didn't make any money at all, 'cause I wouldn't let the other guys get close to you or look at you. I'd be up there in front, just throwing your allowance at you, one dollar at a time." I thought that was hilarious, the mental image of him giving me my allowance one dollar at a time to keep the other guys away.

Oh, and the best one? Last night, when he joined me in bed and was all cuddled up to me, I said something about how I felt terrible. He pulled me close and said, "You don't look that way." Awwww! Brownie points ;) I gave him a reward kiss lol.

So, life is good, despite the pain and whatnot. I feel optimistic today, which is nice. I know, feelings come and go, but I'm going to enjoy the good feelings while they're here.

It's funny... how certain struggles take the spotlight in your life at certain times, you know? At one point, my major struggle was working through the issues I picked up from being abused. I still struggle with them, but in different ways, I think. Now, instead of focusing on the issues specifically, I end up addressing them in a more holistic way, whole-system, because my health is so affected by what's going on with my emotions. Of course, going to group still helps me hone in on certain issues that need my attention. But right now, my fight is mostly fibro and other health issues, and that's what I'm focused on. Any emotional pain caused by my past is dwarfed by the physical pain caused by my present, so that's what is my main battle and my main focus right now.

So, back to Blue Planet and wedding stuffs! I'm cutting out those little pixelated hearts, but holding scissors hurts my hands, so I can only do a couple at a time.

Ohhhhh! I'm watching baby sea turtles be born!... and eaten. Mer.

Run, little sea turtle! Run!!

Fair warning-- I am going to talk about sex. Not graphically, but definitely candidly. If this makes you uncomfortable, well... better head somewhere else for a while. Or cover your eyes/ears and go "Lalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaaaaaa".

I have begun actively preparing for the honeymoon. I've had this idea for some time that I want to master a striptease dance and surprise C on our wedding night, and I know a few moves here and there from previous workshops and stuff that I've done (though I've never actually done a routine for anyone before!), but yesterday I actually started researching routines that I could learn. As I was doing that, I was thinking about how nice it would be to have some super-sexy lingerie that C's never seen before to pull this off...

... and then I realized that I needed to parcel out the funds that D gave us for the wedding. After sitting down and allocating the money to different places, I realized that I have money to put towards the honeymoon! At first I felt guilty for using money for something other than the ceremony and reception, but some encouragement from Mom helped me to see that this is, indeed, part of "the wedding".

So anyway, I did a bunch of research yesterday and settled on some really nice, yet inexpensive stuff (it was on clearance! Yay!), and I ordered it today. I need to get the stuff as soon as possible so I can start practicing with the actual clothing I'll be wearing. I'll have two outfits, of a sort. One is a super daring black dress, under which I'll have a push up bra, some sexy panties, and a garter belt (all in black lace). Of course, I'll have thigh-high stockings and some stripper heels to finish off the look, and I'm thinking that I'll probably make myself up with dramatic smokey eyes and red lipstick.

The plan is that I'll use my routine that I've created to strip out of the dress, then move smoothly into a lap dance once I'm in just the undies. From there, well... I know I'll be tired after the long day of the wedding, but I'm never too tired for a romp in the hay!

The other outfit is a "babydoll" outfit, and I'll save that for when we head over to SD for our actual honeymoon. We'll be spending the night of the wedding in a hotel (which I have also allocated funds to cover), but that's not the official honeymoon.

I had C look at lingerie websites with me a few months back, so I could get an idea of what he likes, and he really likes the feminine look, especially the "babydolls", so I figured I'd treat him :) It's funny-- I figured he'd be more of the leather straps and chains type, but I guess we do that enough normally that it's nothing special.

I'm not going to lie-- we have a great sex life. We both like the same things in the bedroom, and we both like to experiment and try new things, so we're really well matched in that area. Unfortunately, there is a mismatch in sexual appetite.

The stereotype is that guys think of sex all the time and they can't get enough and they wish that their woman would be willing to do it as much as they want to, right? Well, it's kind of the other way around for us. Not that he doesn't have a healthy libido, far from it! It's just that, well.... I want it more than he does. I was getting really frustrated recently by being shot down all the time when I made advances, so we had a good talk, and I'm learning to respect the times when he's tired or not feeling it and to communicate with him more and ask if it's a good time or not, rather than just assuming it's a good time and being hurt when he turns me down.

Interestingly, the new meds that I'm on (especially the pain killers) have affected my libido. It says right in the side effects thing that it may cause sexual dysfunction, so I was expecting to just be not interested. Right? Wrong! It's having the exact opposite effect, increasing my already prodigious sexual appetite. Previously, I would have been more or less sated with once a day, although I settled for 3 or 4 times a week minimum. Now, we could go twice a day every day, and I still would be ready and raring to go at a moment's notice. (Um, we kinda have been, much to the detriment of C's energy levels, and I'm still just waiting to jump his bones the moment he walks in the door from work.)

We had a funny conversation about it last night, agreeing that if life gets crazy and we're just missing each other left and right, we might be able to get by with once a week, although we'll definitely be pouncing on each other if that were the case. (See? Healthy libido. We're fairly evenly matched.)

Anyway, I'm working on just living with it and controlling myself, for C's sake. Poor guy. He has maintained for months that I'm "going to kill him", and now he says that my new meds are going to kill him! Sexed to death? Not a bad way to go, I think... All the more reason why he calls me his insatiable little nymph. Can't help it. I love sex. I've never had sex with anyone but C, but I'm more than happy with that. I know the neuro-psychological consequences of the constant pairing-breaking up cycle that our culture espouses, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that a long term, monogamous relationship is the key to a fulfilling sex life and to a strong bond with your mate. The shacking up-breaking up cycle actually damages the brain's ability to bond, which I think is greatly contributing to the divorce rate. People sleep around before they get married, then they are unable to bond with their spouse in the way they're supposed to, making it so much easier to dissolve the marriage and move on to someone else... which, of course, adds more damage to the ability to bond, and it just goes downward from there.

I read an amazing book on this, called Hooked: New Science on How Casual Sex is Affecting Our Children. It's really good, and really readable. I think this is the book that really got me interested in neuropsychology. It talks about how sex is addictive, because of the neurochemicals released, and I can definitely vouch for that. It is a drug for sure. It's my anti-depressant, my anti-anxiety, my feel-good... But it's not just the chemicals. It's all that and more for me because I know that I'm in a long term, committed, monogamous relationship with someone who supports me and accepts me wholly just as I am. I think that's even more addicting than the sex itself-- it's what the sex represents and emphasizes. I mean, I can get naked in front of this guy with no fear of being judged or rejected, because he likes my physical appearance. He likes what we do together. He likes me, and I don't have to be afraid. (Even when I was struggling with really bad body acne, he still thought I was sexy!!) Talk about vulnerability and reassurance! And it's interesting to me that, even though I was molested, I still really enjoy sex. I know that it affected me in some ways, and shaped my understanding of sexuality... but C and I are working through those issues together, which just adds another layer of vulnerability, trust, and, well... love. Unconditional love. That's what makes the sex so good, why it's always been so good. We love each other unreservedly.

So I'm totally looking forward to taking a risk of sorts and doing something out of the ordinary for him on our wedding night. It's unnerving in a lot of ways to think of doing something like a strip tease... I mean, what if I look ridiculous? But I know C, and I know that he'll love it, so I'll put aside my insecurities and rock that ridiculously scandalous black dress right off! :)

Actually, when I'm finished here I'm going to hit the shops and see if I can't find a bra, some stockings, and some stripper shoes (like the ones J was gifted a while back ^_^). My stripper clothes will be here soon, and I want to get this down so I don't trip and fall on my face!! Plus, I mean, I have the money. Why wait? I've got an easy semester and a pretty high percentage of down time, so now I have a fun little project to work on while C's at work.

Also, D (C's dad's gf) is gifting me some pretty underthings soon. She told me she had seen something and thought about getting it for me, but wasn't sure... I told her that I would love that! So she got my size and is going to pick it up. That means that I have another little outfit to wear for C... and I'm thinking that I'll break that one out the weekend before the wedding when we go to the Ren Faire. We'll be staying in a hotel by ourselves, so why not? It's kind of like an anniversary of sorts... since we got back together in a hotel room on our way to the Ren Fair, almost a year ago. It'll be a month off, but who's counting? (Besides me.)

Summary: I love sex. I'm going to learn to strip and do a lap dance to blow my man away. I'm excited about this. Also, I love lacy, pretty underthings! I really do. I'm so jazzed that I get to buy pretty things :)