That's right-- I pierced my nose! Did it last Tuesday while in Wisconsin. And I got the next set of lobe piercings. Eventually I want to be pierced all the way up to the top of the ear, but that'll take time. I have to baby my nose ring, because I'm so prone to infection and it is catching a slight infection, but I'm not worried. I'm treating it real good.

I have so much to write about, but I need to fall asleep about 2 hours ago, as I'm working the final day of this season's gun show in a few short hours. Buenas nachos, all. Just wanted to commemorate my bad-assery. ^_^

I'll admit it-- sometimes I get really angry at how "easy" other people have it in their lives. I mean, yeah, okay, everyone has their stress and troubles and hard times but some people just seem to have a charmed life, you know? Yes, my incredibly troubled and grueling life is definitely the source of some good points, such as the personal strength, insight, and empathy that I have honed, but sometimes it'd be nice to just have it kinda easy for a while you know? And it hasn't been. My whole life, without exaggeration, has been one fight or another for sustenance, sanity, survival… what's up with that?

And then, just when everything was finally going my way… my health tanks. I was so happy. I was in school, pursuing my dream career, I was planning my wedding, working hard for a cause that I loved with a boss that adored me, I'd paid off my school debt, made huge headway in counseling… I had it made, man. I was good. Things were looking up. But then, then, everything fell apart around me and life is harder than it's ever been. Maybe. Life was really hard during the decade plus of abuse too, though. It's hard to say.

It's just not fair, man. And it pisses me off.

However…

There is good news. I have finally found a doctor that is both willing and able to help me with my pain! I'm diagnosed with "intractable pain" which, according to Wikipedia, is "a severe, constant pain that is not curable by any known means and which causes a bed or house-bound state and early death if not adequately treated, usually with opioids and/or interventional procedures. It is not relieved by ordinary medical, surgical, nursing, or pharmaceutical measures. Unlike the more common chronic pain, it causes adverse biologic affects on the body's cardiovascular, hormone, and neurologic systems." (emphasis mine) Doctors kept getting hung up on "fibromyalgia" and "chronic pain", missing the bigger picture of my pain, but this doctor gets it, and he wants to help me very much. I could cry. It was seriously everything that I had hoped for.

This is the dr's website, Dr. Porcelli. I have to drive 4 hours to get there, but to get my life back? SO worth it.

I was incredibly nervous, because I was afraid that I was just going to get shut down again and I have nowhere else to turn for help but the emergency room, and that is horrendously expensive. (Seriously… I have no idea how I'm going to pay all of the ER bills. *sigh*) He was very cheerful, funny, and engaging right from the get-go, though, and we chatted and joked back and forth the whole time. He looked at my chart and symptom list and was immediately like, "Yes, you definitely suffer from intractable pain! You've got one foot in the grave, huh? Just one banana peel away from packing it in!" (I thought that was funny. This was after he saw the "draw these shapes on this outline of a body to describe what kind of pain you have and where" chart that I filled out. It was pretty well covered in scribbles.) He thinks that with proper pain management I can actually go back to work part time in the future! Also, after a physical examination he discovered that my eyes have been damaged some from the pain, but they will heal when my body calms down.

The plan is to do a long acting opioid with a lower dose one for breakthrough pain. The ones he gave me this month aren't working very well and I'm still spending about 5 or 6 hours a day soaking in the tub, but we can address that at my next appointment. I'm working on getting physical therapy started, trying to do regular massages, and I'm also starting a few supplements (vitamin C, sublingual b12, omega 3 fatty acid, etc.) to boost my general health. I really want to start eating healthier again now that I'm more capable, but really, I'm basically just happy to have meds at all and to know that things are only going to get better from here! I mean, today my friend the Artist came over and helped me clean the house, and I was able to do quite a bit! The house is so tidy now. Ahhhh… we got to things that I've been wanting done for months, or at the very least since I got out of the hospital. It feels good to see my home in order again.

Also, I applied for disability this past Monday, and it was actually a really fun experience thanks to the lady who did my interview. I should get word in about 3 to 6 months, and she says that it's about a 50-50 chance as to whether I'm approved or denied. We'll see. I'm definitely going to appeal if I'm denied, no worries about that.

Oh, and I'm going to make an appointment with a geneticist this next week. Still pursuing further diagnosis, especially since Dr. Porcelli agreed adamantly that while fibro is part of my problem, it is definitely not the entire issue that is causing me to be so sick and in so much pain. So… we shall see. I've got my money on hEDS (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, hypermobility type). I fit the criteria so, so, so well, and a large majority of EDSers are either misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all. The most common misdiagnosis is fibromyalgia, from what I understand.

I'm learning to live with this broken body, even as I try to figure out in what ways exactly it's broken, but it's not easy. I'm pretty resentful at times, especially when I can't get the help or answers I need or when I see my peers traipsing around and fulfilling dreams and stuff that I wanted to do and cannot join in on and will possibly never recover enough to achieve.

Like pregnancy. Due to the nature of my pain, I will probably be on strong pain medication for the rest of my life. That's just a fact of my life. (Ugh, my poor organs…) The implications of that, however, mean that I would have to stop my pain meds (and a couple others) in order to carry a baby, and that's not something that is feasible for me at all. Remember how I ended up in the hospital and ER a ton last month? Yeah. Just like that. And do you think that the stress of being so sick and in so much pain would be good for a developing fetus at all? Not a chance. Either way, my baby is at a distinct disadvantage while residing in my womb.

I'm never going to be able to carry a baby of my own, and that grieves me something awful.

People don't understand. I've shared with a couple of friends, and with Drogo, but the response I get is "Don't worry, you can adopt! There are other options. Have you thought of surrogacy?"

You guys. That's not the point, not the point at ALL! I know I can adopt or do a surrogate pregnancy. Creating offspring is not the issue here, the issue is that I am never going to be able to carry a baby or give birth, and that's something I've wanted for a long, long time. It's just another precious dream ripped callously from my heart and tossed carelessly on the midden. I don't care if I can adopt; I care that the vaunted experience of childbearing, one that I've already had bitter experiences with, is now beyond my grasp, through no fault of my own, and there's nothing I can do about it.

But folks don't seem to catch that, even after I explain, so… I just let it go. Whatever. Who cares if Cassie's world and future is shrinking and dulling, hope and happiness sloughing off like dried up scabs?

I'm still here, still alive (barely, hah!), still kicking (feebly, and then only some days).

Things are tough here at home. There's a lot of stress. Naturally, there's the stress of my being sick; that's not gone away, especially as my condition has deteriorated further and I'm spending 23 out of 24 hours flat on my back in bed. (Oh, how I wish I were exaggerating… Well, okay. I am a little. I spend some time propped up with pillows. ;) ) We're having a rough go of it financially. Medical bills are piling up, and we keep getting hit with unexpected other things, like an astronomical water bill due to the broken pipe in our front yard (but Grampa is coming over on Friday to help fix it with the tools that we don't have, so we don't have to hire a plumber! Yippee!) and Drogo is gonna need new tires for his truck, and those blasted trips to the big city and the copays for the specialists, and having to buy me a new phone, and it just goes on and on and on… Drogo told me that we don't have enough money to go grocery shopping this week. I felt sick to my stomach. We have enough food in the house to make it to his next payday, though, and Grampa said that he's going to be bringing us food from the food bank, even without him knowing that we're so tight on funds. He and Gramma know that we're struggling. It's hard, being a young couple just starting out, even without all of this medical nonsense. RDad did us a huge favor and a good turn by giving us over a thousand dollars free and clear, out of the blue, to pay a huge laboratory bill that came our way last month. I paid that on Monday, and it was a relief.

Drogo is very grumpy, distant, and moody because of the money shortage. His entire paycheck is used up this week on the mortgage and that water bill. There's nothing left over for food or other bills at all, and he still has to pay his phone bill… that'll come out of the hundred or so dollars he has left in savings, and then he'll have maybe thirty dollars left to get us through the next two weeks. And he has to buy gas, too. Oh, he's so stressed, the poor guy… and there's nothing I can do. I am actively working on applying for disability, though. That's one thing I can do. We decided that it's something necessary for us… I'm sick enough to warrant it, and we need the help. Even a few hundred dollars a month would go such a long way…

I'm getting really sick of him being so crabby, though. I'm like, dude. I get that you're stressed. It's a big deal, this money thing. It's something worth being crabby over… for a little while. You're the provider, and we both depend on you. It's a big burden. I get it. But get over yourself. Your attitude is not helping anything, and it's making this whole "hey, let's have a good, happy marriage in spite of all the shit that we're dealing with" thing very, very difficult, so knock it off. If anyone has a reason to be crabby and grouchy, it's me, but I don't act that way because it won't help anything or make anyone happy, so you need to be an adult and suck it up. For the sake of our happiness as a couple and the atmosphere of the home, get the fuck over yourself and stop letting your stress get the better of you, okay?

He says he'll stop being grumpy when the money thing is resolved, and lordy knows when that will be. I think it's a poor decision to let your circumstances dictate your attitude. If anyone has the call to be a raving bitch, it's me. But I don't. Why should I? It would just make everyone miserable, myself included. Sure, I'm grumpy sometimes, but I do my best to be happy and look for the good stuff in life, to surround myself with love and beauty. He needs to do the same. His grumpiness is setting me on edge and making me grouchy and irritable, and I don't like it.

Aaaaaaanyways… I'm also on edge because my bestie here in town moved last week (or was it the week before?) and I hadn't realized how much I'd come to rely on him for company and also for getting around town when the need arose. Having to scavenge for rides is difficult when half the people I know don't have cars and others are out of town for an extended amount of time and most of the people in town I don't know well enough to ask for rides and the rest that I do all have jobs with difficult schedules. I don't drive now, at all. And I don't leave the house without my walker, ever. If I'm not improved within 6 months, I'm gonna start saving up for a pretty, new walker that's more streamlined and much lighter.

This thing is sturdy, to be sure, but it's heavy and bulky. I got what I could on short notice and it's served my needs admirably, but I honestly never dreamed when I purchased it off Craigslist that I would need it this much or for this long. I thought it was just to aid me in travel through the long trek through several airports on the way back East for Christmas. Now I've had it a year and a half and it's an invaluable tool.

Oh, I'm also blogging now over at a different blog I just started. It's different than this blog, not as personal. More for my writing writing, if that makes sense. I need to actually draw up a schedule of topics and write an "about me", but I'm working on it. Slowly but surely. It excites me to be "out there" as a writer, even in a small little corner of the world. I do love to write, and I've received a lot of encouragement. I'll still be here, when I have the energy and the thoughts and feels I need to sort through, but I'll be there, too. Honeybee Chickadee is the name. I'll see you there?

Oh, and by the way, just wanna throw a HUGE congratulatory shout out to Beate and Keith on their engagement! I'm so happy for you two-- you are clearly a good match, and very happy together. I'm very much looking forward to wedding pictures, but more than that I am looking forward to seeing the adventure of the life you two will lead together. It's going to be stunning, I am certain, and so full of, well, life. Keith, that's a heck of a vacation my friend. I've never gone on vacation and come back engaged to a beautiful woman! Then again, I've never gone to Germany, so… maybe that's my problem. ;) Again, congratulations. Much happiness to you both.

'Sup? I'm alive. Still. That's good news, right?

Still recovering physically from the trip and the unbelievable emotional low it brought… I will get the courage to blog about it soon, I'm sure. Maybe next week when I'm in the big city again for rheumatologist appointment (squee! I got in early!) and am hanging in the hotel with nothing to do besides internets. (I'll be going up with my grandparents who, conveniently, already had plans to be up there Tues-Weds for meetings my gramma has. So I'll just go up with them and spend the night and enjoy a little vacation ^_^) I'm sure it would be more entertaining and less energy consuming to just Pinterest, though, so that may happen. Heh.

I can't believe time has flown so fast and it's only 2 days until my birthday! I'm looking forward to my party with more than the normal fervor, simply because this week has been filled with so much apathy and despair. On a positive note, that night of drinking with my friend went well. I didn't get all drunk like the last time I drank, and I wasn't by myself so it was way more fun, but they did and we both were all flirty and affectionate and it was nice. We have both sibling-zoned each other so hard it's not even funny, but we're also both comfortable enough with our current relationships and each other to crack jokes at each other on a regular basis. Not physical flirting, mind you! No, my lovin' is reserved solely for my husband, but I am becoming more of a cuddly person with those I consider my very close friends, of which this person is one. My flirting isn't gender-exclusive, either. I flirt with my close friends of any gender and sexual orientation, so long as they're comfortable with that. I would never flirt with Rose, for example, because that would just be awkward. She's not that kinda gal, and I respect that. Also, I'm sure I'd never flirt with the Musician, because she is my sister and not just a close friend that I consider to be sister-like. That, too, would be awkward.

Anyway, just a quick update, I suppose. Let y'all know that I'm still here, still alive, and just working my way closer and closer to my birthday with a growing measure of excitement. Kahl Drogo doesn't read this, so I can say it here… I plan to go out and get him a brightly colored t-shirt for the party hehehe. And maybe something sparkly, if I can convince him to wear it. In any event, something bright, because he owns nothing bright. I wish I were exaggerating. He's also not bought new t-shirts in the entire time I've known him, except for work undershirts. That means 10 years of the same shirts… which is fine, because he takes good care of them and they're hardly wearing out at all. But… I think it's time for at least one new one. Especially if it's bright and happy :D

Note: Remember, if you need nicknames and who is who, check out the post Appellations.

My birthday is coming up. In my household growing up, birthdays are a big. deal. I mean, we're talking cake and a themed birthday party, even if it's just family. (It usually was, with a  few friends from around whatever apartment complex we lived in at the time.) With the S's, birthdays were an even bigger deal, with the newly-aged person dictating the events and menu of the entire day. When you came out to breakfast in the morning, the table was set with a lace tablecloth and the fancy dishes, and there was confetti scattered on the table and likely a ribbon or bow decorating your chair. I mean, we're talking a big deal.

Fast forward to my moving down south. The first birthday was with my grandparents and some of my friends from the local church came over, but nobody that I was really close with. I made my own (amazing) german chocolate cake, but everyone else had "normal" sheet cake. The next year (last year), I was living with C already. B and J took us out to lunch and had special plans for me. They got the sushi place to put a purple orchid on my plate and they brought out surprise mochi and green tea ice cream at the end of the meal. Also, J and I went shopping at Goodwill after lunch. That was my birthday. Very plain. Nice, but plain.

See, C was not raised celebrating holidays or, as I understand it, birthdays really. He's not the "celebratey" type, which is a shame because I'm the opposite. I'd throw a party for everything if I could! Don't have the money or the energy for that, though, sadly. But since he's not the type to celebrate, I know that if I want a good birthday I have to plan it myself. That's pretty lame, in my book, but it is what it is. I don't have the S's or H to put together a party for me, and besides, I don't think they could top my 23rd birthday party anyway. They surprised me by flying my mom out for an entire week (and J was already up there with me for her spring break!), and then they threw me a big hippie birthday party my birthday night. Oh, and I can't forget the mariachi/country song that David wrote and they woke me up with on the morning of my birthday. Have I mentioned how much I miss the S's, and H, and my life up there? Mostly I miss the people, and the opportunities for awesome and unique experiences. I had so many great life experiences that I treasure the memories of.

Anywayyyy… my birthday falls on a Saturday this year, which means that C has the day off, and I'm so happy about that! My plans and my wishes are a bit different, but my actual plans for the day are such: spend an hour or two at the antique car show going on that weekend (it's a birthday tradition for me), eat lunch and rest for a few hours, have the people that I love and care for most all over for cake, pie, and juice. That means my grandparents and great aunt (if she'll leave the house), the D's, D and J if they can make it (the snake folks), both M's, A (who graciously agreed to make my cake!!), my brother in law and his lady E, C's dad and his gf (if she's deigning to speak to me again, that is LOL), I'll see if K wants to come, and S because he's in town!! Oh, and I can't forget E and M, and I'll see if the girls from group can and want to come as well. It's been TOO LONG since I've seen them. Oh, and C. Can't forget her. (By the way, I'm going to be making the switch to code names here soon… it will be so much easier for reading purposes, I think, than initials. Less confusion. I know a lot of J's.) I might be forgetting a few people right now, but I'll be making a list (and checking it twice, hah!) and running it past C to make sure I don't forget anything.

So that's the plan. What I'd like to do is slightly different… well, not different, because I really want to do the above. (Maybe I'll do something silly like make it a sparkle party and ask everyone who comes to wear something sparkly or brightly colored? Best dressed gets a prize! Oh my goodness, yes… I think that has to happen, despite C's inevitable protests. I need to have some fun in my dreary existence!) What I'd like for my birthday (though it wouldn't all fit in one day, or even be feasible necessarily):
-Get a massage from Brenda/Belinda (can't remember her name) at the massage clinic.
-Go Goodwill shopping and get some adorable "big girl" clothes: a cute shirt, a couple pairs of comfy pants, a pair of gym shorts, a dress that doesn't require a bra that I can throw on when I leave the house.
-Get gussied up and go out to eat.
-Bookstore browsing and buy a book.
-Get new lingerie and have hot sex with my husband.
-Forget the lingerie-- have hot sex with my husband!
-A task force to swoop in and set up my craft room for me so it's useable.
-Try out that Juiced place.
-Eat a turkey sandwich- lettuce (no mayo, alas, but I think my salad dressing will do!), tomato, turkey, maybe some cucumber… all on toasted bread. (Bread! Sweet, nutty, deliciously chewy bread! *sigh* I'm in lust with bread.)
-Get a pedicure.
-Have a cleaning service come and thoroughly deep clean my house.
-Get a cute new haircut and re-dye it red.
-Get another set of ear piercings.

Simple wishes, I suppose. I won't get most or any of them, simply because of financial constraints, but it's nice to dream, eh? I won't be decorating the house at all, probably, for the cake and pie fest, but I am going to have C help me clean it the day before so it's at least decent. Maybe I can wrangle some other folks into helping us, too… guilt trip them about it being my birthday weekend so they can deny me nothing ;)

So a Lite Brite Sparkle Party with cake and pie and yes I'm going to eat REAL cake this year you guys! I'm SO excited. So, so, so excited. I haven't had real cake since… since… um… Well, that german chocolate cake I made for myself a few years back was bomb, and you couldn't even tell it wasn't "real", so I'm just going to count that as the last time I had a good piece of cake. Even M, who is a chef, couldn't tell that it was super allergy friendly! Anyway, I'm excited about celebrating my birthday with those I know and love. I don't expect presents at all, I just want to eat cake with them and hang out. Maybe I'll say, "in lieu of presents, please donate to the Celebirthsary fund so that the couple can enjoy their first anniversary in style!". That would be a good present; a fun Celebirthsary weekend. I know it would really cheer C up if we were able to buy something while there. He's bummed because we're only going to be able to sightsee this trip, with maybe a small souvenir here or there, but nothing substantial… like a weapon. He likes buying weapons at the Faire, and who could blame him? They are well made and fairly priced. You can't find that kind of thing around our town.

(I just told C about the Lite Brite Sparkle party. He seemed dubious. He said he was going to wear his blue shirt, and I said that it wasn't even bright or sparkly at all. He laughed and said he was going to come in last! Funny guy.)

Fun fact: I've been toying with introducing gluten back into my diet, so this past week I've been eating regular oats (which do not in themselves contain gluten, but oats are known to be highly contaminated by gluten containing grains in the production process), and have had no ill effects. Yesterday my friend E brought me some goodies from Sprouts, since she was in the big city this week and they have such stores there. I had asked for a certain brand of GF bread but forgot that they also make regular breads as well, so she came back with the flax seed bread that I had asked for… but the whole wheat variety. I figured it was as good a time as any to test out the gluten theory, so I had several slices of toast for supper last night, and some for breakfast. I am pleased to say that I am suffering no ill effects whatsoever, and no gastrointestinal distress or pain of any kind.

I think my gluten free days may be over.

I'm excited pretty much beyond reason. 'Cause oh my word… bread. And the possibilities are endless… I can eat baklava again! Desserts… I can have real cake or pie for my birthday!!!!! I can make a turkey sandwich. Did I mention desserts? Oh, and crackers. Crackers! Italian food. Lasagna. I can eat out at restaurants again! Olive Garden, perhaps? *gasp* I can eat eggplant parmesan again!

You guys… you guys… Pancakes.

Right. I'm going to stop now. I'm getting myself way too worked up. But man… I'm so excited.

I'm going to be doing something a little different here for a while. I don't know how long it will last, and I will probably continue with my regular blogging habits in the midst of this (because girl gotta vent, you know what I'm sayin?), but I think it will be a fun little diversion. I felt the urge to pull out my old journals and scrapbooks last night and start browsing through them, just to see how different my life is now and, more importantly, how much I've grown and healed in my thoughts and in my heart. (Hint: it's a lot!) So what I'll be doing is posting entries from my paper journals that I kept before I started blogging, probably in no particular chronological order, just as they speak to me. I'm going to call this endeavor Blast From The Past. I hope you enjoy this little bit of time capsuley goodness. I think I will.

I really need to be drifting off to la-la-land here in a few minutes, as I've got to get up early. Why? Becauuuuuuuse.... tomorrow is The Appointment with The Neurologists. You know, the one where we go over test results and I maybe get some answers?

I feel all sorts of ways about this appointment. On one hand, I know that even if all of the tests come back normal and show us absolutely nothing in the way of what's wrong with me, that means that we can rule things out, and that in and of itself is progress. On the other hand, I am both hoping and afraid that some of the tests will show something and we'll begin to have a clue as to what ails me. I'm hoping to maybe start getting headway in treating the root cause of this ridiculous pain (and all of the other fun stuff that comes with it). I'm hoping that the doctors will be able to get me some pain management (i.e. pain meds) that are more effective than what I've got now. I'm hoping for answers, clues, hints even. Anything.

But I also don't dare get my hopes up. (Despite my best efforts, I find myself hoping for things, but I keep telling myself to stop it!) I really hate it when my hope are crushed and I am devastated. I'm afraid that nothing conclusive will come of this, that I'll still be shrouded in mystery. I'm afraid that they will refuse to help me treat my pain. I'm afraid that I've got something terrible, something degenerative, something debilitating. I'm afraid that I'm only going to get worse. I'm afraid that there's nothing we can do to help me.

I mean, there are so many "what ifs". What if it's degenerative? What if the pain never goes away? What if I can't ever have kids? Hell... what if I'm dying? Some people might think that's being a bit dramatic, but considering how rapidly I've gone downhill, how bad it's gotten in such a short amount of time... it wouldn't surprise me as much as it might someone else. My mom even said this last trip that I looked like a chemotherapy patient-- pale, weak, dark circles all around my eyes from the pain and sleep problems... She also said that she fears this is the last time she's going to see me. I can't travel long distances anymore without great difficulty, and she doesn't have the money to come out my way, so... unless I get better, we won't be seeing each other for a long time.

Do you know how sobering and/or terrifying it is to have your mother look into your eyes and say, "I fear that this is the last time I'm going to see you"? Let me tell you, it's pretty damn scary. It made me take a hard look at myself through someone else's eyes and realize... yeah. I'm pretty sick. I've gotten good at denying how sick I am in my mind... maybe to justify myself to others, to avoid undue sympathy, to keep myself from plunging into a morass of despair? I'm like, "I'm fine yo! Um... Can you help me to the bathroom?" Hah.

Anyway, I need to rest. The less sleep I get, the harder this trip will be. C's dad is taking me, which is very nice of him. We'll be taking C's truck since it gets WAY better gas mileage than R's big old beast of a truck. (Funny... both of my dads are named R now. Go figure!) C will have to use R's truck, as my car is broken and in the shop. (We're going to have to get a new one. This has been about a year in coming, but it's still not a pleasant prospect. At least I hardly drive now, so all I need is a little beater to get me to work once or twice a week and to the store if I need it. No big. It just has to have proper hvac and be an automatic.)

I asked C to cuddle me tonight, and we talked over some of my fears. He told me it's okay to be nervous, and that I'm right in thinking about it as "no matter what happens, it'll be progress". Oh, guess what? I went to my grandparents this afternoon for a small Christmas (opening presents and watching a Christmas movie), and on the ride there Grampa and I were talking about stuff. C came up, as I was talking about how incredibly impressed I am with him as a person and how he's adapted to life with my illness and how well he takes care of me and loves on me. I mean, I knew he was a great guy before I married him, but he's really blown my expectations out of the water and shown himself to be a spectacular specimen of human being. Just an all around wonderful man and husband. Anyway, I was saying things like that and Grampa jumped in with the comment that he did have his doubts when we got married (C being a nonbeliever and all that), but C has really impressed him too and he thinks that my heart was really telling me the right thing when I decided to marry C. To hear that made my heart sing and burst with pride. I love that man. He's amazing. And he has the greatest mustache ever. Even Grampa is jealous! He said so himself during one of the 3 or 4 times he complimented C's mustache throughout the afternoon. Men and their facial hair, I swear...

I asked C to tell me some optimistic stuff about the future, to allay my nervousness and all. He looked at me, blankly amused (he's terrible at off the cuff stuff, especially optimistic or complimentary stuff), so I whispered a few prompts to him. "Tell me it's all going to be okay... and that no matter what happens you'll be here... and we're gonna be alright..." He then kinda stuttered out awkwardly, "I'll be here..." (long pause) "...for you." Then we both laughed because it was so awful. I'm grinning now even as I recount it. He's so funny.

Alright. To bed with me, while I still have a smile on my face. Hopefully I don't stew over the "what ifs" too much while drifting off to sleep. I'll try not to. But oh man.... so nervous!

Today, I felt like a normal person.

Not that I didn't feel sick; that's just silly. But the activities of the day had me reminiscing of a time when I thought nothing of going out for an evening with C, whereas now it's become a special treat.

It started this morning/afternoon, when I opened the door to let Juneaux into the bedroom to wake up C, and he rolled over and gestured to me while mumbling, "Come here, woman." I lay down with him and cuddled up close, and we dozed comfortably for a time. Then the dozing turned to nuzzling and kissing, which of course led to other more "adult" activities. (I love being married with a house of our own. It's nice to just jump each other whenever we want.) C jumped on the computer to finish the daily missions for Guild Wars 2 and I ate lunch while reading through a favorite book. C was still working on his dailies when I was done eating, so I went down for a nap.

When he was done, he came and got me and I pulled my supplies together for our evening errands and planned fun. We went to see Ender's Game! We've both read the book and love sci-fi, so we've been eager to see the movie adaptation... as wary as I am of movie adaptations of books. I was pleasantly surprised, though. I think they did a good job. We both wished that they had more time, though, because it just felt very abbreviated in many places. It was good, but I don't think it does the book justice. Not like The Hunger Games did. Anyway, we watched the movie and then went for a walk around the mall afterward. The air was surprisingly warm, yet with a hint of coolness that reminded me that fall is upon us. We stopped in a game store and an electronics store to browse a bit, then swung by the pharmacy on the way home to pick up one of my scripts, fill up my water jugs, and grab some more lavender bath salts for me. There is a bookstore just down the row from my pharmacy, so C suggested we go in and look around, and I readily agreed. I popped into the coffee shop and got a caramel macchiato, and it turned out to be happy hour so I got another coffee drink for free! I picked out a cafe latte with a shot of hazelnut syrup, meaning to save it for tomorrow, but I ended up drinking them both while we browsed together.

I had been thinking lately about a particular person that I worked with at the beginning of my judicial process after disclosing my sexual abuse, Detective M. I thought I might see her at the Vigil, and I did see someone that looked similar to her, but she did not show. Imagine my surprise when I turned into an aisle of the bookstore and found her standing there! We had a nice little chat, and we met each other's husbands. She is really happy that I'm working with E and that the HJ is doing so well. She explained that she deals with enough of the darkness of abuse without dealing with the aftermath of the emotions, which is why she avoids the vigils and extracurricular stuff, which I totally understand. I was happy to have run into her. She's a very pleasant person, and I like her.

After leaving the bookstore, we stopped by the library on the way home so that I could return a few books and movies, then headed home. C was playing one of my favorite cd's on the radio and I was singing along. We held hands while he drove, as we are wont to do. I thanked him for the evening several times, because it was just so... normal. I felt like a "real" person again, out for a low-key evening of enjoyment with my husband. It was like the kind of dates that we used to go on, and it was even sort of spur of the moment, a rarity these days.

Tomorrow I have plans as well. We're going to be continuing our Pathfinder campaign, of course, but then another of my friends and I are going to dress up in costume and visit a local bar that's having a post-Halloween fling. Neither of us drink, really, but we're looking forward to dressing up and going out. (Actually, I can't drink, 'cause of the meds.) We won't be out long, I'm sure, but it'll be a fun experience. I've never gone out to a bar with friends before, so this'll be a new experience. I plan to go as a beauty pageant queen, especially because the dress I have for that requires no bra! That's a major win in my book.

I've had some disappointments lately in trying to make new friends, and I've been quite lonely. I don't want to hang out with everyone that I know, as some people are just not good company or they're energy drainers or I just don't want to be around them for a length of time for one reason or another. My efforts to make new friends, though, have been falling flat on their faces. I was flat out called offensive and told goodbye by a girl that I was trying to set up a first meeting with. Another girl and I connected really well and talked practically nonstop via email and text for a week before meeting up for dinner, which went well, I thought. After that, though, she just stopped responding to my texts and emails, and I don't know what the heck happened. Another girl that I was supposed to meet up with stopped returning my emails, as well as one who was just looking for an email buddy. All this within a few weeks, and to be honest... it was hurtful and bewildering. I felt so rejected and unlikeable... so I said as much on facebook. I got an overwhelming show of confidence from friends near and far, and some of my friends/acquaintances here in Y are trying to help alleviate my loneliness. Hence the bar tomorrow night. Unfortunately, some of those people that are taking it upon themselves to alleviate my loneliness are people that I don't actually want to hang out with for the reasons stated above... but I really see no way out of it, since I stated my loneliness quite clearly and publicly. I can't just turn around and say, "Yeah, well, I don't really want to hang out with you!", can I? It feels extremely rude to turn them down. So... yeah. Got myself into a little of a pickle there.

Regardless, I thoroughly enjoyed today's activities, and I'm savoring the fact that I actually have plans with a friend tomorrow! It just feels so... normal. So blessedly, blissfully normal.

Yeah, I know I'm going to pay for this weekend in no small way (I'm already really feeling it from our outing this evening), but in my mind it's totally worth it. Totally. I wish I didn't have to pay a price to engage in the semblance of a social life, but it is what it is. I'll embrace the joy and survive the fallout, as always.

Today is definitely a rest day. I've been napping up a storm the past week or so, especially since I had that really rough day without the meds. I've spent the last few days trying to recover from that, but I pushed it too hard and went down yesterday. The awards ceremony really took it out of me, and yesterday when I met up with E for a lunch meeting followed by work, I almost passed out in the restaurant. I was soooo sick.. apparently I went whiter than a sheet, and I barely made it out the front doors to the car. I had to leave my car there while she drove me home, and needless to say we didn't get to work that day. (No paycheck this week. Bummer.) She called me today, worried like crazy, but I assured her that I am alright. Apparently she had a panic attack on the way home, she was so worried, and she was talking about it with her husband (who adores me like I'm one of his own, and I totally love him too). Poor E. I did just what she said and rested as soon as I got home, though. I spent the rest of the day in bed feeling pretty lame after sleeping a few hours, and I've done the same today. Just woke up from another 4 or 5 hour nap. Sleep is nice. It keeps me from hurting while I'm doing it lol. Also, I haven't been sleeping well due to nightmares and increased pain at night, so I often wake up after a few hours, stay up with C until he goes to sleep, then crash out again with him. It's nice to be able to spend so much time with him, though!

I sincerely hope that this passing out thing is just a fluke, a product of overextending myself and using up all of my resources, rather than a new symptom come to torment me. I've been struggling with lightheadedness and fatigue for some time now, but this is new... and really, really unpleasant. Truth be told, it's terrifying. I'm scared to leave my house now. What if it happens while I'm driving? While I'm out and about on my own? Bad enough that I never know when a twitching fit is going to strike, but now this? I'm scared that it's a sign that my body has taken another step on the road to breaking down. Maybe I'm a hypochondriac, but dysautonomia was the first thing that came to mind. Of course. lol. But then, how can you not be a hypochondriac of sorts when you don't know exactly what's wrong with you and you've got a whole buffet of symptoms at your disposal that could point to a bagillion things? Yep. You just roll with it and keep your fears to yourself... and then spill them onto your blog. Heh.

I broached the topic of guilt with E while we were driving home yesterday. She put me in my place for even daring to compare her sickness and mine, vehemently stating that she deals with a different illness with different symptoms and she has to take care of herself in different ways. She said there was nothing to apologize for when I told her that I was sorry I couldn't work and that I was sick, and she told me not to ever apologize for that again. I love that woman. I explained to her my guilt about her working so much and being so sick, yet I can't/don't/won't. She just shook her head and said that she has to see the HJ grow. I brought up my theory about that being what she has to do to survive, but it's not me.. and she kinda agreed. Like, the HJ is her baby. In the big picture, she has to see it grow and flourish. It is necessary to her personal well being, even if that means putting up with sickness in the meantime. I want to see it grow and flourish, too, but it's just not the same. And so she has to hid her sickness in a way that I don't have to, because she's being watched by certain people and agencies in the community and they will strike at any perceived weakness. One thing I do know, though, is that she would be far sicker without me. I help her a ton, and we help support one another. We hold each other up. So my guilt is alleviated. We both survive on our own terms, and mine isn't wrong... just different.

On a happier note, J officially booked the ticket that will take me to her family's home so we can spend Christmas together! Bwaaaaaaah! I'm so excited. We haven't seen each other since... since... like, spring of 2012. It's been a year and a half, abouts. Far too long. But distance cannot separate the hearts of true roommates! Haha. Anyway, her parents are being super generous and buying me a ticket to fly out there, then she and her mom and I will drive back to Y and drop me off before they continue north to see J's uncle and J flies back home. I still am having a hard time absorbing the reality of this. I mean... that is so incredibly generous and kind of Uncle S and Auntie C. I just... wow. Wow. Like, what did I do to deserve this? Makin' their daughter happy, probably. lol.

Coraline has become quite brave and comes into C's man cave with no trepidation, rubbing up against C's computer chair and accepting petting from him. This, from the cat that fled to the other end of the house at eye contact with him just a week and a half ago. It's because she and I bonded well, she trusts me, and so when I "lured" her into C's room while he was in there she trusted that it was ok. After the initial exploration of trepidation, she's a bold little bugger. Her favorite new toys are a pink eraser and a white board eraser. She plays with those things with such ferocity and focus... it's adorable! I am keeping both kitties inside today, though, especially Coraline the black. People do sick things to cats on Halloween, especially black cats. I'm sad to say that this is the case, but you just work with the reality you've got.

I made a tentative friend through an online forum, and C and I are going to meet her for the first time tomorrow. I've been looking for female friends in my community, since most of the friends I have are guys, and all of my good girlfriends are eons away. I'm lonely for ladies. However, it's not like I can "get out" and make friends, so I am cautiously trying the internet. Taking C with me is a good precaution, I feel. I have a good sense for creepers and so does C, so if anything's off the odds are that we'll notice. Plus we're meeting in a public place, so that's much safer. I hope it pans out! As much as I'm an introvert, I do miss having friends over just to chill now and then. I kinda wish I was well enough to do something for Halloween. I miss dressing up, mostly because it's fun and I love the theatric, but also because of the social aspect. If I were feeling ok, I might even try a bar this year, just to see what all the fuss is about. Not like I can drink anyway. But eh... I'm going to keep the porch light off, ignore the knocks. We didn't buy any candy, and I do not have the energy to get up and down answering the door every few minutes. I wish that I had The Nightmare Before Christmas to watch, though. I love that movie... C hates it. He and his brother are both super freaked out by claymation. Funny fear, right? Anyway, today's the perfect day to watch, especially with C at work. It's a family favorite. I have so very many pleasant memories associated with that movie... very nostalgic. I like nostalgia.

Okay, yes, discouraged and worn down and tuckered out though I may be, I do have to share a very exciting and inspirational story.

About a week and a half ago, I was invited for the second time to speak to a classroom of high risk teens who are going through the program my agency offers at a local charter high school. I feel totally comfortable there because I went to one of the schools for druggies, dropouts, and pregnant teens (while being none of those things) here in this town and absolutely adored it. So I went and told my story of how I was abused, abandoned and neglected throughout my life, and the dysfunction I endured. I also told the story of how I put one of my abusers behind bars, how I learned to forgive, and about self-hatred, self-love, and boundaries.

I saw a lot of nodding heads amidst the laughter while I was talking, and I know that a lot of what I said resonated very personally with the kids there, who live lives similar to mine. While in the office today, we got a phone call from the teacher of the class, one of our peer support specialists, and she told us that one of her students disclosed to her. The girl shared that one of her family members had been sexually molesting her for a long time, and while he had stopped he was still very involved in her life. She hadn't ever told anyone, but hearing my story prompted her to speak up and get help. Her words were, "if that Cassie girl can make it, then so can I."

Holy crap, y'all.

I mean, just let that sink in. By spending an hour with these kids and just telling the story of what I've gone through and what I've done with my life (counseling; stable emotionally and mentally--mostly, hah!; a stable, healthy, and happy marriage; a job that I love, am good at, and am passionate about; setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in all aspects of my life), I literally changed the course of someone's life. She is gonna do so much better... her self-worth is going to change, the way she interacts with those around her, the way she goes after her dreams and goals... She will be much less likely to continue the cycle of abuse by getting into a bad relationship or becoming an abuser herself. She will advocate (in big or small ways) for those she sees being victimized in her life, because that's just what happens when you learn about this stuff and put it into practice in your life. It's a natural by-product.

This girl is going to start coming to the teen support group, which I just so happen to be getting re-involved in very soon. That means that I'll get to work closely with this girl who saw something in my life that gave her hope that her life could be different and better too. What a privilege.

I love my job.

So I couldn't say anything here or on fb for fear of ruining the surprise, but C and I drove up to Id for J's wedding weekend! Yep. We are now firmly ensconced in the S's home, watching over it while they're all crammed into a hotel room together. I'll be doing some cramming of my own over the weekend, but it's nice to have a peaceful, quiet place to relax in. Although C did most of the driving, it was still a grueling trip, and neither of us are feeling very good right now.

C, J's mom, had told her this morning that she would have a surprise rolling in about noon, but she had no idea it would be us! Her delight and enthusiasm more than made up for the difficulty of the trip, and I for one am thrilled to be here. A HUGE thanks to my mother for supplying the gas money and making it possible!

It is strangely sad, though, to be here and know that D is dead. It casts a solemn pall over what would otherwise be a strictly joyful trip, but that's to be expected. I knew this would happen, and so did C.

Also, when I went outdoors and called Juneaux he appeared immediately and was incredibly happy to see me. He had no troubles remembering his mother at all! That made me happy. I missed my sweet baby boy.

You know how fibro makes it so you can't do the things you used to, or the things that you want to?

I say eff that! I'm going to a beach city with friends for the night. It's not like it's spur of the moment (we've been planning it for a couple of weeks), but it's still going to be awesome.

I was torn between two options for this weekend--seeing my bestie J for a day, or going to the beach for the weekend. The tipping point was when my friend M revealed that he has been saving up and basically wants to spend money on the two of us that are also going. Yeah... I'm shallow. I like free stuff.

Plus my latest bouts with grief have me longing for the ocean. I need it for my sanity, and I know that J understands.

And with that... I'm off!

*So excited!*

Packing for the honeymoon! ^_^

C came up with the idea to create and install footrests on my walker, so that if/when I get too fatigued to walk around anymore at our destinations, I can sit on the seat and he'll push me around. He's also the one that reminded me to bring a pillow to sit on. That man takes such good care of me! (Also, side note: apparently adult strollers are a thing. C joked about it, I googled it, and sure enough... they're basically wheelchairs with more framing and some straps.)

Got a new prescription for an increased amount of painkillers today, which relieves my fear of running out of painkillers on the honeymoon. I had to go in and talk to the receptionist to make it happen, but that's a very small price to pay.

I wired "my portion" of the house funds (the money given to me by others and accumulated in my bank account) into C's escrow account this morning. The lady that "helped" us was singularly unhelpful and frustrating, but we got it done anyway. This means that we have enough to cover our end of closing costs. Hallelujah! We're getting a house! And such a neat little house it is, too... Maybe I'm just biased, because it's my first house.

The guys are moving a new couch set into the apartment right now, except it's a giant sectional and too big for the front door's sharp angle into the house... so they are having to walk it all the way around the apartment complex and take it in through the porch's sliding glass door. Poor guys. But it's a nice couch, and we're getting it for free from one of the guys' parents, so SCORE! It'll do nicely in our new home.

I started growing my hair out over a year ago as a challenge to myself, because it hadn't been long in so very long. Then, when I got engaged, I knew for certain that I wanted long hair on my wedding day. Well, the thing is that when I do the same thing for lengths of time, I get antsy. The same goes for my hairstyle. It hadn't really changed in over a year, except to get longer and get trimmed and such. As the wedding approached, I found myself wanting to do something new, something different. I (barely) forced myself to wait until after the wedding, but now...

...a brunette bob! J says I look tired in this pic, and I probably do, but I thought I looked pretty good! :) Considering the flare I've been in, I look better here than I have since the wedding day.

Anyway, off to pack some more. I got to rest a bit while writing this, so it's back to the grindstone I go.

I'm getting that question a lot lately. It makes sense, really, because we're only 5 days away from the wedding.

But the answer is not a simple, "Yes." I don't really know what to say when people ask me that, so I just go with the simple, "Yeah, I'm super stoked!" so I don't have to explain myself.

I mean, it's not that I'm not excited, it just... kinda comes in bursts.

Now, going to the Ren Faire? That was exciting. I was really, really looking forward to that one in the jiggling-in-my-seat-tingling-in-my-stomach way, and I could hardly wait for the day to come. Maybe that's what I'm expecting "excited" to feel like for the wedding, but it's just not there.

I'm looking forward to the reception, because it will be beautiful.

I'm nervous yet happily anticipatory about the song I'm going to surprise C with.

I'm elated to see my family and friends again!

And I am definitely calm and satisfied with the prospect of saying my vows and exchanging rings with the man that I love so dearly, becoming his wife.

But I don't have butterflies, and I'm not jiggling in my seat.

Maybe it's because I planned this. It's like planning a birthday party for yourself. It's really not that exciting. Pleasant, sure. Fun? No doubt. But exciting? Not so much. Exciting is planning a surprise for someone else. Exciting is taking a trip to the Ren Faire and just letting the day happen without having it all planned out to the minute, like the wedding is planned. Exciting is anticipating the faces of my grandparents when they see Peanut for the first time.

So am I excited? Um, sure. Really, though, I'm just going to be relieved once it's over and I'm a wife.

It'll be a fun party, but there are too many moving parts for me to get really, really excited about it. I'm more excited about the wedding night... ;)

(Because of the place my health is at this week, I'm postponing my surprise for C until the official honeymoon weekend. I will, however, still have a lovely surprise for him... and that I'm excited about.)

We got our marriage license today. Now it's starting to feel official! It's hanging on our fridge, just waiting for the big day to come...

I tell you, it still bemuses me a bit how this man can look at me and see past the pain, past the limitations, past the coping mechanisms I've shrouded myself with, right to the core of me... and want to link himself to that for the rest of his life.

We're only nine days out, and I've got cold feet.

Not about marrying C, not at all! It's the thought of "forever" that freaks me out. The thought of, "I can never ever just pick up and leave again."

But then again, there are other, bigger thoughts that crowd those out... like the thought of, "This man has supported me through my lowest lows, has seen me sobbing and disheveled, has borne the brunt of my impatience and insecurity... everything. He's taken everything I and my crazy life/past have thrown at him, and he's still just here. Patient. Unendingly loving and wise. Not going anywhere."

And that's enough to quell the panic that rises inside me. Sure, maybe I'm voluntarily turning myself into a caged bird, but it's that very cage that will hold me up when I fall off my perch, dizzy with fatigue and shaking with pain.

You know, an interesting though struck me the other day... See, I've only just started to identify with the "chronic illness community" because of the fibro, and the disruption in my life makes me crave community and support. I realized, though, that I've had chronic illnesses for quite some time. I mean, the food allergies? Totally a chronic illness. The hypothyroid? Yep. Adrenal insufficiency? For sure.

They limited me in many ways, especially the food allergies. The fatigue was a big problem I had to contend with, but it was nothing like it is now. I just never considered myself as much less than normal, because I could still keep up with the big dogs if I pushed myself enough.

There's really no point to that observation, it was just a small "aha!" moment of mine. No moral to the story, sorry.

Mom and I talked for a good 3 hours the other day! It was really nice to connect with her again... she and I have both been busy, kind of overwhelmed with the stuff going on in our lives... She's got a ton going on, and I believe she's struggling with depression still, and definitely with fatigue. She has discovered that working out consistently and changing some of her eating habits is helping her with that, though, and I'm very glad to hear it.

I told her what happened with BJ, just an overview, but I did mention what was brought up about my having fibro because I left God, allegedly. She thought that I said "because I love God", and she was like, "Oh, I totally agree!"

I was shocked, because I thought she was agreeing with what I said, not what she heard. Rather than just shrug it off, I addressed it, saying, "Ouch, Mom! That is a hurtful statement. Do you really feel that way?"

Of course, she was confused, which led to clarification of what I had actually said, which led to her vehemently opposing the idea. She believes that, basically, I'm being attacked by Satan because I'm a threat. From there, she went on to give me this really, really affirming talk about how she's always felt that I am meant for something great, like I have a big destiny, that I was meant to live a big life.

She felt for a while that, in marrying and settling down with C here in this little town, I was basically settling. Now, though, she really feels that it is the best thing I could be doing, because it gives me the stability and support that I need to really flourish and blossom. She said that no matter where I go or what I do, I'm going to influence people and make an impact, and live a big life. She also pointed out that the fibro has only slowed me down, not stopped me. She said that nothing has or can stop me. Basically, she told me that I was an amazing person who has this incredible power to inspire others, no matter where I am or what I'm doing, and that the bad things that have happened to me really only serve to inspire others more, because they just can't get me down! It was, as I said before, very affirming. Very filling. Incredibly encouraging. I was happy. (Still am!)

When I told C about what Mom said, especially the part where she said that marrying C is the best thing I could be doing with my life, I could tell that it really pleased and affirmed him, too.

I shared with Mom how my perspective on my chronic illnesses is changing. It's much like how my perspective on being abused has shifted over the years. At first, when I was first coming to terms with it, it was devastating. I still have a tough time with it on some days, because the state of illness that I'm in has fundamentally altered my life in many ways. I didn't exactly want my life fundamentally altered, thankyouverymuch! As I've come to grips with it, though, I am starting to view it more through the lens of optimism.

Sure, it's been tough. Very tough. This last flare did not make me happy at all. Living life in constant, intense pain is wearing. I don't like it, and I wouldn't choose it. The sheer exhaustion that comes after doing basic daily tasks that I used to take for granted (even with the fatigue that I experienced previously limiting some activities) is incredibly frustrating, and I would only wish it upon my enemies.

That being said, I have gained so, so much from this experience. I have connected with communities of chronic illness survivors and made some really incredible new friends. We are developing a rich connection that wouldn't be possible if we didn't share something so intimate and difficult as chronic pain and frustrating health conditions. It's like the ladies in my support group-- we are all there for similar reasons, and we can bond because of our pain and our shared will to survive and conquer.

My relationship with C has been strengthened, I think. I know now beyond a shadow of a doubt that he will never waver in his commitment to me. His character and loyalty have been very much tested, and he has proven to be solid gold.

My desire to live an intentional, authentic life has been honed and sharpened. I only have so much energy, so where am I going to put it? What is important to me? My priorities have been refined.

This woman, Stacey Kramer, sums it up beautifully. She survived something incredible (no spoilers here! ^_^), but she can now see it as a gift. That's kind of how I see this debilitating, chronic illness now. It's a gift. A terrible, wonderful gift.

I may have days when I totally don't feel that way, and that's okay, because in the big, grand scheme of things, I really am grateful for the life that I'm living. I am blessed. I love my life, and I am very content. I can say in all honesty that I am the happiest, healthiest (yes, really!) and most authentic that I've ever been.

I talked about that today when I spoke at a domestic violence prevention training. I've survived a ton of crap, but I'm such an awesome person now... how can I not see it as a terrible, wonderful gift? Would I rather not have had to go through it? Hell yes! I would rather NOT have been abused, molested, neglected, and rejected. I would really prefer to live my life without pain hounding my every footstep. (Or foot-shuffle, as the case may be...)

But would I be the person that I am right now if I skipped all those things? Probably not. And I love who I am. I love the life I'm living.

So I choose acceptance. And I choose gratitude. And I choose to accept the gift and make the most of it, in all its terrible, wonderful complexity.

Good things have happened, as well as sad things. I'll write about my birthday and house stuff tomorrow, because I'm busy with other stuff right now.

I just wanted to note that I'm being rather strongly encouraged from various sources (who know nothing of one another) to take my writing seriously, and to take my unique perspective on chronic illnesses seriously, and to do something with them that will help the world.

This means a website/blog.

Yeah, well, I feel pretty thoroughly inadequate for such a task as that. I mean, who would want to read my stuff? I'm just a lady who has problems and likes to write about stuff. Is it really worth sharing with the world? Could I really make any difference at all? Is it just delusions of grandeur, just pride and misguided intentions leading me to overstep my bounds?

Yet I am assured by my friends sitting in the living room with me that, even if something has been said a million times before, everyone relates to it in a different way. The way that I state something may be just the thing someone needs to have an "aha!" moment, when they had read the same thing written by someone else and had no response whatsoever. It's true. I know it's true.

I'm just so scared of failure... of putting myself out there and being shot down.

Scared of dreaming big.

Scared of doing something that matters.

Scared of wanting to make a difference and realizing that I can't.

Scared of being weighed and found wanting.

'Cause really? I love to help people. And I love to write. How could I  not want to combine those two loves?

Because when you put all your eggs in one basket, you run the risk of them being crushed.

Ah, well, no use running over and over my fears. I'm scared, it's true.

But I'm also very desirous of pursuing this opportunity... I mean, is it just coincidence that I'm being encouraged from so many sides so strongly, so seemingly suddenly?

My friends have come up with a domain name for me-- Fibro Warrior Princess. It's a nickname they bestowed up on me, and I love it. Then they said I ought to use it as a domain name.

You know what?

I think I'm totally going to go for it.

Watch out, world-- the Princess is on the loose! ^_^

Had my endoscopy today. It went well, though it did screw me up some.

Didn't destroy me (yet) like the colonoscopy, but the longer the day wears on, the worse I feel.

My theory is that, while they have you knocked out, they actually hit you with a bus. Feels plausible. :)

In other (good) news, the ladies of the HJ are throwing me a bridal shower in two weeks!

Also, J sent me a package that contained my birthday/wedding gift, and it arrived today. Know what it was?

*drumroll please*

A camera! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Not only have I missed having a camera very much, but I was feeling the lack as I looked forward to my honeymoon. How was I going to capture our joy and fun and share it with others? Well, now I can!

Also, on a practical note, I needed a camera for the Etsy venture I have planned. Sweet.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I have amazing people in my life that take such, such good care of me, I am sometimes overwhelmed with gratitude. Even on my darkest, pain-filled days, I always know that I am incredibly loved and cared for. (It's on the shaky days when my self-confidence and self-worth are somewhere below the earth's crust that I doubt this, simply because I wonder why people would care about me and what I could possibly contribute to their lives that would cause this?)

Also, my spoon earrings came today! I will take a picture (now that I have a camera, hehe) and proudly show off my spoony ears.

Oh, and one more amazing thing? I made my birthday wishes known, so tomorrow S and one of our friends M are going to deep clean the apartment, because I no longer can. That is... awesome. And M gave me twenty bucks, because he totally didn't know what to get me and knew that I know myself well enough to buy what I want. Too funny! So I think I'm going to buy another pair of comfy yoga pants, a cute dress (both from Goodwill, although there is a really cute lace dress I keep seeing at Walmart...), and maybe another pair of dangly earrings. They're seriously my new addiction. Or maybe a new cd of music for myself... I've been meaning to clean out my car's cd case. Oooh! I can invest in a new tower of burnable cd's! I somehow lost my stack of blank cd's, and I've been super bummed about that. Yeah... yoga pants, a cute dress or top, mb some dangly earrings, and blank cd's. Happy birthday, me!

(It's funny how, when the people around you don't make a big deal about your birthday, it really isn't a big deal anymore. Living with the S's, birthdays were an event, a cause for celebration! Now that I'm on my own, it's less of an event... just kind of like a passing slightly-better-and-more-important-than-normal day... which is okay. That's where I'm at right now. That may change in the future, but it's okay for now. I'm looking forward to making my child's birthday a cause for celebration, though. Anything, really, to break out the good glasses and celebrate! ^_^)

Ah! Almost forgot! We have our house inspection on Friday. I'm holding my breath... (And then we'll go out to lunch for my bday with our friends who are now moving super soon at one of my favorite sushi places. You know I'm gonna get all dolled up! I love an excuse to dress up. Maybe I'll wear my new cute dress?)

Today was a big day. I'm thoroughly exhausted.

Achievement! I fell asleep early and slept through the night, with only one wake-up-and-use-the-bathroom-break. (Usually I have at least 3 or 4). I woke up early, and it was nice. I feel better when I do the early to bed, early to rise thing, so I think I'll be sticking to that more. The only downside is that I see C much less.

We went and saw a house this morning. It's nice, but smaller than we'd prefer, buuuut... considering the price and the neighborhood it's in, it's a steal. The next house for sale in that neighborhood is a full $20,000 more, and prices are still rising! So after careful thought and deliberation, C decided to go for it, and I was totally on board. It's move in ready, and I know we can be quite comfortable there, despite the, uh, coziness. It's not that I was simply giving in to my impatience, either; considering how many crappy listings we have to go through to get a decent one, we need to jump on a good house when we see one. Plus it's already graveled in front like we want, and has a high block wall in the back, which is super important to C. Also, there's some pressure to get locked into a contract before April 1st, because some things are changing in the legislation of how some stuff works (nothing big, don't freak), and it would be better for us to have bought before then. So we signed.

After picking up some sushi for lunch, we headed back home. C has overtime today, though it's usually his day off, but I was headed off to the antique car show. I wanted him to come with me, but alas... he doesn't exactly get to control his schedule. I was already a bit tired by this point, after seeing the house and running errands and doing paperwork all morning, but this car show is only one weekend, and I love going. It's important to me.

So I headed out, walker in tow. I did get a little sunburnt, but that just means that winter is over! Yay! I loved seeing all the various makes and models of cars from throughout the years. I even saw the oldest street legal car in America! It was basically a box with wheels, a stick for steering, and a horn strapped on the side. It had headlights and such, but it didn't even have a windshield! I suppose it doesn't really need one, because it tops out at 35 mph... Still, pretty cool. I believe it was from 1918.

I spent about an hour and a half there, and by the time I was done I was really, really exhausted. I made it home and collapsed into bed with a bowl of applesauce, a glass of juice, a bottle of water, my computer, and my phone. Everything a gal needs :)

I took a very short nap a little later on, and I feel perky enough to pop in a movie and work on some wedding stuff. Some of the guys are over playing video games, and they're so. loud. It's annoying, but I know that I'm just hyper-sensitive right now because of my fatigue. They're really no louder than normal. It's just me. lol. So I've closeted myself away in the room.

Also, I texted our realtor after I woke up, and come to find out... they accepted our offer!! We open escrow on Monday! We're buying a house!

If it all goes smoothly, we should be closing a few days after our honeymoon. So... a month, basically. 5 weeks? Yeah.

It's gonna be a heck of a month! We've already got the inspection scheduled for this coming week. (On my birthday, in fact... Happy birthday! Here's a house! lol)

So it was a good day, despite pain and such. (After my massage yesterday, my legs started aching and aching soooo badly... but fortunately, the heating pad I ordered came in the mail yesterday, so I put it to good use!) It was a big day! A day that shall forever live in infamy! Oh, wait...

Rolled out of bed this morning bright and early (like, 1 1/2 hours earlier than normal!) and guess what? I haven't had to take a pain killer yet.

I mean sure, I don't feel like jumping up and doing a table dance, but it has literally been months since I did not need to take a pain killer upon rising.

Today looks to be a very long and busy day for me, so I'm grateful for the gift of diminished pain.

I know that I'll be taking one later, of course. I can feel the pain levels rising the longer I'm awake, which is normal (tongue in cheek), but, still... Almost an hour awake with no tramadol? Whoopee!!

I've got a free massage in 20 minutes that I must go get dressed for :)

Side notes: I wonder if my falling pain levels of the past few days are due to the increase in gabapentin?  Or possibly Savella?

Also, yesterday I was out and about without my walker! There was pain, and at times I almost wished that I had it, but I made it the whole day without :)

I think the frequent massages are contributing to the pain levels falling, as well.

Update: Yes, well, *ahem*... I was rather pain-free! Unfortunately, I did overdo it a little during yoga... Okay, maybe more than a little... But I was trying to be aware and be good to myself! I really was. It wasn't until it was too late that I realized I had done much too much in the realm of movement and exertion. Alas.

So I did end up taking a pain killer, and I busted out the walker. (Which, by the way, was noticed and commented upon by a stranger in a positive manner! We had a fun little conversation. She was very empathetic, not because she personally knows someone with a chronic illness, but because she went to medical school.) Howeverrrrr... it is now 9 p.m., and I've only taken one tramadol today! Whooooeeeee!

Okay, see, here's the deal... I tend to black-and-white generalize things, especially myself. Example? When I had gotten to 6 hours between pain killers, I assumed that was my new norm. When I had to go back to 3 or 4 hours, I was tempted to be devastated. I had failed. I had broken down and ruined my positive forward progress. But you know what today showed me? Every single day is unique. I can't expect that just because I didn't need a pain killer this morning I won't need one tomorrow. I cannot, cannot, cannot say what tomorrow will be like, so I just gotta take it as it is and roll with it.

Mindfulness. Being present here and now. One moment at a time.

And today, when I realized I'd overdone it? I was overwhelmed with disappointment in myself, initially. I really was so disappointed that I'd now need a painkiller, because I had intended to go the whole day, if possible, without one.

But I stopped and talked to myself kindly, and basically I chose to celebrate the success of having made it that far in the day without a painkiller or the walker, rather than dwelling on the "failure".

It's kinda funny, too, how my mind works... this morning, feeling pretty good, I began to worry if my feeling better somehow negated my past sufferings. Like... was I ever really sick? Was it all in my head after all? Because I feel good, sooooo... maybe it doesn't count? Maybe I was exaggerating?

Yeah, no.

I still can't hit the ground running at a thousand miles an hour.

It does make me wonder, though, what life will be like as I continue to heal and find balance... I know I don't have to worry about it until I get there, but I'm wondering about coping with the dichotomy of "good one day, bad another", you know? I mean, I know I've been there before with my guts and all, but this is a whole new monkey to wrestle.

I am too black and white, all or nothing. I know this. If I feel good, I should always feel good. If I feel bad, I'll always feel bad. Any break the pattern is cause for alarm! lol

I'm going to go cut out hearts for the wedding, now. The flower boy will be tossing 8 bit hearts instead of flower petals, and then he'll hand C a laminated 8 bit heart that says, "Marry me?" (I'm including that because, since C proposed, I frequently ask him to marry me. He always says yes. ^_^)

(See? 'Cause we're nerds, and I love Legend of Zelda.)