For today... Sunday, November 13, 2011

Outside my window... The wind is moaning and crying.

I am thinking... of my very first canning adventure by myself, and hoping it goes well (an hour and a half!)... of the lunch I'm going to make to take with me to work tomorrow... of how happy I am that my potato curry turned out well... of how many applications I'm going to have to fill out before I'm finally in the school doors!... of my plans to switch my car for a truck, and how to achieve that...

I am thankful... for rice cakes, peanut butter, and fruit.

From the learning room... nothing much. Haven't gotten back to my neurochemicals. :(

I am wearing... a knitted grey beanie, a tie-dyed robe (blue, purple, and green), a grey shirt, blue "life is good" sweatpants, and white socks.

I am going... to can green tomato pickles... to finish this job application!... to be prepared for my early departure to work tomorrow, food-wise and sleep-wise... to get more food.

I am reading... I gave up on reading this week. Too much to do. Wait! I take that back! I read a piece or two of poetry.

I am hoping... to add more beautiful, wonderful classical music to my tape collection.

I am looking forward to... decorating the bakery with Christmas decorations! (and getting paid for it! hehe)

I am hearing... myself chewing grapes, the family discussing supper logistics ("K, you don't have a bowl yet, do you?" "No, I don't."), the lack of wind (surprisingly!).

A few plans for the rest of the week: Work a couple of long days. Finish Adventurer stuff. Hammer away at the Christmas Program. Backpack into the hot springs with the youth group. Sleep in the hot springs ;) Set and maintain my adult, thought-through boundary/decision to take time for myself and God this coming Sabbath and forego the door-knocking festivities planned. Do some more applications.


Here is a "picture for thought" I am sharing:

For today... Monday, November 7, 2011

Outside my window... It's dark. Night fell several hours ago.

I am thinking... of whether or not I ought to continue working at the Bakery... damaging my health... but I could use the money... and how my dopamine reward system is functioning well, rewarding me for the excitement and risk of taking steps toward independence.

I am thankful... for the life I live.

From the learning room... Reading "Hooked", and learning about neurochemicals and neurohormones. Fascinating, really.

I am wearing... a comfy, oversized shirt and my "life is good" sweatpants. They don't match. Oh, and wool socks.

I am going... to bed, sometime soon! I hope. And I am going to put on a pot of beans before I go.

I am reading... the Little House on the Prairie series. Again.

I am hoping... to be a good influence on my co-workers.

I am looking forward to... sleeeeeeeeep!

I am hearing... K and C commenting on some fb pictures of friends of theirs, the dryer methodically tossing its load, and cats grooming themselves. (I've got one on the left, and one on the right, both doing the same thing, so I hear it in stereo! lol)

A few plans for the rest of the week: Work. Get my tires switched over. I want to can green tomato pickles!! Send in my completed application for school, and begin work on scholarship applications. Racquetball. Practice my special music.

Here is a "picture for thought" I am sharing:

(How much my life has changed! C and I had planned to marry on Nov. 11, 2008. Now, almost 3 years later... I'm preparing to go away to school. Single. And content. Amazing.)

Lately, I've been running in place.

You know... running away, without actually going anywhere.

This, from the girl who talked to a support group about how to break the cycle of "survival mode".

I'm still in survival mode.

Although C and I had that talk, it didn't do what maybe she thought it would do. I launched myself into full-scale defense mode-- shut down, withdraw, and survive.

And yet... I know there's been progress, because I can feel the difference. I know what's happening, although I don't know how to stop it... and God's been talking to me.

I realized that the conscious commitment I made to not be hurt anymore is the response of a fallen heart trying to deal with its pain. That's understandable, but not healthy or helpful.

But what do I do with my overwhelming, overpowering desire to be safe? I'm beginning to think that my definition of "safe" and God's definition of "safe" are fundamentally different. My way of being safe is to distance myself, put up walls, and subdue any longings or desires that might lead to an awakening of my heart. If those longings are aroused, and then unmet, or worse, purposely thwarted, well... that could and would be devastating. It's "safer" to not take the risk at all.

And I had decided that I wasn't going to take the risk anymore. No, sir. I can still be pleasant, I can still have friends, but there was a large, padlocked gate re-erected that said, "Hither, and no further" in large, red letters.

And God is trying to talk me out of it. I agree with him, on certain levels, but I'm still just so afraid... afraid of hurting, of pain, of... broken relationships. Of dashed hopes. Of being known, really known, and then abandoned. It's happened too much.

So... what's God's definition of safety?

All I know is that he said, "I'll always be there."

Is that enough? Can I trust that?

I want to.

Running in place... running against the wind.

I'm not getting anywhere... but it's better than not doing anything, right? ;)

I'm trying to be healthy, I really am.

Just got this message on fb from C:

"Update on D! D is recovery nicely! He is staying awake for longer periods. His is sitting up and walking 2 times a day. Still feels wiped out which is normal. They are looking at possible release date on Sabbath. Nurse Anesthetist came in yesterday and told us a little more of the surgery. Said is was a very big procedure, one of the biggest. The cancer was very extensive and they took a picture of the tumors. He wanted to do a case study on D because he said he would probably never see a surgery like this again in his whole career. I always knew D was a rare find."

...I enjoyed work yesterday. I awoke heavy with the dread of it, but found myself smiling, laughing, meeting and enjoying the challenges of the day, and, indeed, finishing well.

What a gift from God. I surely didn't expect that.

D's doing as well as can be expected. I don't really have any news other than that. Here's an excerpt from a letter I'm writing to a friend:


"I don't feel anything about the situation. Not scared or upset or relieved or pensive or... anything. Before they left, I did choke up at the thought of him not coming back, but since then... I guess I've realized that he's not my father. I'd be very, very grieved if he were to pass away, but... not in the same way that J or K would. I have R, but truly... I have no father but God. Maybe that's what it is? I dunno. It's just rather weird to be so apathetic in the midst of such a maelstrom of emotion.


Another thing that's weird is this juxtaposition of two very distinct seasons of life-- D's life may very well be drawing to a close. Yet, in the midst of this "Autumn", my plans for the future are coming together-- "Spring", as it were. It's like kicking through the fall leaves and uncovering a daffodil. The two are seemingly incongruous, yet the sheer impossibility of it lends a majesty, solemnity, and beauty that would not otherwise be there. A daffodil doesn't stop you in your tracks when they are all in bloom. And I feel that, because of the solemn circumstances that surround my plan-laying (a cocoon comes to mind), I am receiving a special gift. I don't know what it is yet, but I can feel that important pieces are being laid in place. Something big is coming, and with the passing of time, I will look back on my daffodil amongst the leaves with gratitude and awe. Yes, and reverence too, for I know that God is weaving himself into every little detail."


That's where I am right now. 

Today, I have been responsible. More so this evening, than anything else... because I didn't roll out of bed until 8:30. The horror! The humanity! The 9 hours of sleep and then an hour of daydreaming! The I can't believe how bad that actually sounds until I write it down! Heh.

Well, leisure time, I bid you adieu. I got a job as a sub waitress/dishwasher at a local restaurant today. I work tomorrow and the day after, and can I just take a moment here to mention how much I dislike working in the food industry? Good thing it's not all the time. Still, it's something to be endured, not enjoyed... especially a joint like that. They're notorious for having a bad working environment. But a paycheck is a paycheck... and I'm alarmingly low on funds.

So, after catching my first appointment of the day, I headed over for a hastily arranged orientation at said restaurant. Then I ran an errand, caught my other appointment for the day, headed home, and dutifully did my duties. I made lunch and supper for tomorrow, I filled out all my paperwork, I took care of the cats and the mess that they made while I was gone (one accidentally got locked in the pantry this morning and freaked out. He knocked a jar of applesauce and two jars of peaches off the shelves onto the cement floor. Sigh.). I didn't overeat at suppertime, and I took my medicine. I have been responsible.

There's something about being responsible that sucks the energy, joy, and life out of me. LOL. Is this why grownups wear drab colors?

Eh, on second thought, it's just that it's been a long day, and... I realize that I'm working at a restaurant. Mer.

D went in to surgery today. I prayed for him quite a bit, but I'm not frightened, or worried, or sad, or happy, or... anything. I haven't let myself feel anything about it. It's odd to feel nothing about something so typically emotion-inducing. He's in ICU now, from what I understand. The surgery was quite extensive.

As I was writing that last paragraph, one of the new kittens, Holly, had a seizure. It freaked the living daylights out of me-- I thought she was going to die right there in front of me. The vet says that, though they look horrible, it's okay. If she has multiple seizures, it means she has epilepsy, and we'll have to put her on meds. She's fine now, though.

There's a fly spinning around in circles on my floor, like a buzzing top. Has this whole world gone mad?! (Upon closer inspection, I see that it is because it somehow landed upside down, on its back. How does that even happen??)

Now, responsibly, I am going to bed, so I can go to work tomorrow like a good adult.

Would it change anything if I claimed I had the soul of an artist? That typical work isn't for me? No? Oh, well. Guess I'm going to work, then. :)

Besides... I have the goal of getting rid of my car and getting a truck and fifth wheel, so I don't have to live in an apartment. Wouldn't that be super cool?!

I got this from Homespun Simplicity, and I really like it-- thought I'd give it a try.

For today... Sunday, October 30, 2011

Outside my window... The remnants of last night's light frost are almost gone. Warm sunlight washes over everything, but doesn't do much to dispel the chill of the air coming through the window. Birds are singing, and all is apparently right with the world.

I am thinking... of what I'd like to get accomplished today, and also thinking how we really can't know what the day holds. I can make plans, but the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.

I am thankful... for the warmth of my house, for having the house all to myself while I process and recharge (introverts, you know ^_^), for the cats that bring delight to my life, and that I have food and shelter.

From the learning room... I've been studying God's holy days. Quite fascinating. Quite intriguing. Quite... interesting.

I am wearing... my pajamas. :)

I am going... Absolutely nowhere today. I am going to work in the garden, plant the overlooked cabbage and kale seedlings, put up produce, and sort through my hope chest (what do I want/need to take with me when I move out?). I am also going to begin planning our church's Christmas Concert dealie. And, time permitting, I'm going to work on a couple of going-away gifts. I'm definitely going to tackle the remainder of my school application today.

I am reading... He Loves Me! by Wayne Jacobsen and Best Loved Poems of the American People.

I am hoping... to accomplish a lot today without having to prod myself on with guilt or shame.

I am looking forward to... Moving into my very own little apartment! I was researching apartments last night, and I'm getting jazzed.

I am hearing... The breathy hum of my heater, birds outside, and the clicking of my fingers on the keyboard.

A few plans for the rest of the week: Adventurers planning session tomorrow, along with getting the Christmas Concert sorted out and emails sent and hanging out with H (driving out to the Selway?). Thursday, a meeting with my counselor followed by racquetball. Welcoming the family home from D's cancer surgery whenever they release him from the hospital. Perhaps baking bread? Organizing, cleaning, packing some. Getting my school application done and turned in.

Here is a "picture for thought" I am sharing: