What do you do, when everything comes crashing down around your ears? I don't mean literally, of course, although I had my doubts while Corey was up in the "attic" crawlspace to install the ceiling fan we bought for our bedroom (go tax returns, yeah!) and trying not to fall through the ceiling.

I dunno. Sometimes it all just kinda hits me, you know what I mean?

What do you do when you hate every second of your disease, but it's so imprisoning that you can never forget that you have it for any of those hated seconds? I'm talking Ehler's-Danlos here, although Addison's has been giving me a run for my money lately too, trying to manage my adrenal glands manually. Always a tough challenge for me, even more so lately.

So do you just hate your life, then, because the two are so inseparable? Usually I try to wrap my world in beauty, to find it, create it, whatever I have to do. Sometimes, though, the cold stones that weigh in the pit of my stomach overcome me and all I can see, all I can feel, is the destruction of the life that I had, the life that we planned, the future of my personal dreams and our mutual hopes. And it's hard, really hard, to not hate your life when every moment is agony and you know that there's no cure, there's no hope, there's no remission, and it keeps getting worse. I try not to think about what it'll be like in a year, 3 years, 25 years, but when I'm huddled on the bed and sobbing into my husband's pillow while trying not to move because it hurts, I think about those things. I think about them, and I am afraid.

I don't want to do this. The weight of the agony that waits for me is too heavy a load for me to bear. It's scary, but more than that I hate hate hate HATE what this agony has done to me personally, to my husband, and to our relationship. I hate what it's going to do. I appreciate, in a circumspect way, how it's going to make us better people and probably already has--as is the nature of suffering--but that thought remains rather subdued.

When he came to bed tonight and I lay next to him, trying to relax and mayyyyyybe get some sleep (no sleep to be had this night, alas), I eventually spoke up. (Choked with tears, of course.)

"I'm sorry for being so sick. I hate every second of it. I think I hate it more than you do. I hate what it's done to our life."

He didn't respond.

Not a word.

In my time of desperate emotional need, he stayed completely and 100% silent…

…except for the soft and sudden rustle of bedsheets as his foot sought out my two feet, entwining them beneath his leg and covering them with his own as he rubbed his instep against the top of my foot a few times.

All I could do was blink away the tears, sigh softly, and let this renewed sense of peace settle deep into the center of me where I will lock it away tightly and hold on to the hope that it's going to be okay… somehow. Three feet of peace--my two feet and his comforting one-- to remind me so.

"I love you."

"I love you too, lady."

I've been walking in dark places lately, folks.

I know I've said it before, but living with the reality of intense chronic pain and the other symptoms of chronic illnesses just grinds you down, wears you out, and makes your soul shake from the strain of trying to hold it all together. I tell C, "I'm tired," and I don't just mean physically.

I'm tired. So, so tired.

I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I've only been dealing with this kind of life for about a year now, and not even a full year since it started out from nothing and worked up from there. It's terrifying to realize how much your life can change on the inside of one short year. It makes me fear for my future. A year from now, will I even be able to walk? To bathe myself? Will I be stabilized? Might I be better? Cured, even? I have no way of knowing, none at all. I could never have imagined living this way. I didn't even know that people did live this way. I did not know that there are people who spend all their waking moments in some level of physical pain, through absolutely no fault of their own. I just didn't know.

And now? I know. Dear god, do I know. And I'm tired.

I could list all the things I'm tired of, but I'm too tired to do that. My heart is just tired out.

I don't want to live this way any longer. I know I keep saying that, but it's always, always true. And it's been more true lately than ever, and I've been more tired than ever, and it all just has been culminating in some sad, bad moods. Yesterday was one of those days, and yesterday was the first time in a long time that I seriously thought about taking my own life, or at least bringing myself to physical harm. The absolutely terrifying part of it was the lack of emotion with which I contemplated this possibility, though. Always, in the past, my suicidal ideations have been accompanied by intense despair and distress, an intensity of emotion and thought that whips me into a frenzy, desperate for relief. I am desperate for relief, yes, but not frothing and foaming inside. I genuinely worried myself last night, so I asked C to lie with me a while and hold me and talk with me. He did, and it relaxed me enough to get me drifting off to sleep. Before I went to sleep, though, I sent J this fb message:

"I need help. Some encouragement. Really down cause of pain and sick. First genuine consideration of suicide today. What scares me the most is the total lack of emotion with the consideration.

I need something to look forward to, something to hang on to... Something to live for. Something to get me through because I am weak on every front right now."

She responded with this beautiful show of support:

"Cass, you are so strong and brave. Just the fact that you're asking for support proves that, because you're fighting a war no one should have to face, but especially no one should have to face it alone. You use so much courage every day that it only makes sense that you might borrow some at times!

And hey, the way you feel right now is normal - not good, but it's completely understandable that you feel like ending your life because of all the pain. You're not a bad person to have those thoughts. But please please don't act on them! Your life means so much to so many people. Think of your family - your little sister is going through her own private hell and when she sees you with your happy marriage and productive job, despite everything you have been through and still are going through, I'm sure it gives J hope. And K, and Jr, and your mom, too. And look at how you influenced that high school girl to seek help from an abusive relationship. You affect more people than you even know with your work. And would would E do without you? Or C? You know you give meaning and happiness to his life that he would not otherwise experience.

And of course there's me!! Who would I cry to about all my ridiculous heart-aches and drama?! Besides, I'm counting on seeing you at Christmas. So you can't let me down! 

I am praying for you. (Like it or not! Lol) I happen to believe that God's heart is breaking right now over your pain and despair and that He's longing for the day when He will come back and wipe away every tear, and there will be no more suffering, pain, or death. I don't know why He hasn't healed you now, or even why He hasn't come back yet, but I still believe He will and that He will make all things new. (Too preachy? Sorry.. what did you expect? Lol. But know I'm totally serious. I wouldn't bring it up at all if it wasn't so important to me. Sometimes that's the only hope I hang on to on the dark days.)

Hey, I love you so much. Hang in there, friend! There will be better days. Maybe not 100% better, but better. Don't leave the stage in the middle of your song!"

That, combined with a phone call from her checking up on me this morning, combined with an email from another friend... well, it really helped to give me something to hang on to. C told me last night that another thing I have to hang on for is our future child. He's right about that one.

It's just hard, you know? It's hard to live a life like this. I mean, I know everyone has their battles to fight, and everyone feels like they have it the roughest, and I know that I don't, but it's still so flipping hard.

I read this blog post by Fluted Cups and Ampersands this morning called Sick, Lonely, Brave (Illness is a lonely thing), and it really, really spoke to me. This was another thing that helped give me something to hang on to. I know there's others out there fighting just like I am... and while that doesn't make my pain any more or less bearable, physically, it makes the emotions of it seem less damning and more normal. So even though I'm not super adept at blogging about chronic illnesses and the underlying issues, this girl is, and I think her post is very much worth a read and a share.

Mom told me the other day that her hair has been falling out in clumps. She thought for a while it was just stress, but I told her to go see the doctor. They're running blood panels for thyroid, some other stuff, and for lupus. I hope it's not lupus. It would make my illnesses make more sense if it were, but I hope for her sake that it's not lupus. But, you know, even if it is... I guess I can give her some pointers on living the spoonie life. One of the most important things? Put together a good support system. :)

I saw the neurologist today. While he is more skeptical of fibromyalgia than I'd like (it has no objective test to prove its presence in a person), he seems to know what he's talking about when it comes to other things. In addition, he's friendly and laughs easily, so I will stick with him, at least for now.

When I told him about the twitchies, he immediately began asking questions. He feels that many of the things wrong with me are puzzle pieces, including the fibromyalgia. Indeed, there are several diseases that fibromyalgia mimics the symptoms of, so in reality I could not have fibro at all, but some other disease. Isn't that interesting? So I'll be getting an MRI, an EEG, and some electrical testing in the next few weeks, to see what's going on with my nervous system. Honestly, there are several suspects that we are trying to see if we can rule out, and MS is one of them. Many of the symptoms of MS are the same as fibro, and the twitchies are definitely of a neurological origin, so it's a suspect until we rule it out. Lupus is another. Basically, we're looking at autoimmune causes it seems, although he agrees with me that the big accident back in '06 may actually have something to do with my nervous system dysfunctions.

Other than that, life's been pretty calm. I've had a few more instances of grieving D, but I know it's normal and healthy, so I just go with it and cry it out. C will often hold me while I cry, which is nice.

Have I mentioned lately that I love being married? The more time passes, the more love I am filled with for C, and the more gratitude wells up and overwhelms me. I am so grateful that I chose this path for my life. I am filled with more satisfaction and happiness than I have ever had in my life. My time in Id was very fulfilling, and comes a close second, but the work I was doing to heal from my past adds an element of discord and instability that is lacking in my current life. I have stability, for the first time in my life. Real, honest to goodness stability. I have C to thank for that. He is a Mr. Steady, that's for sure, and he works so hard to make sure that all of our ends meet. I know I can trust him and rely on him to care for me... and our children, eventually. I love that man, more than I thought I was capable of, and it's clear that he loves me as well. Life is good. Loving and being loved, despite whatever financial difficulties we are having... everything else pales in comparison. I am basking in the glow of knowing that I have my own little home, a place that will always be here for me. That doesn't mean that I don't still get restless and have the urge to go on an adventure, but the adventure is sweeter knowing that home is waiting. A real home. My home.

I see the pain specialist tomorrow, and I hope that he can help me. The patch took a few days for the medicine to build up in my system, and it's helping a little, but I'm still quite reliant on painkillers. I feel less shame about using them now, less guilt for taking them. I don't really understand why I feel as though I need to prove myself by enduring large amounts of pain, but I'm realizing that it's pretty silly. If I'm hurting and have the means to lower that pain, why shouldn't I? I would want anyone else to do the same. I do tend to treat myself much more harshly (and abusively) than I would ever treat someone else, but I'm working on overcoming that. I'm still learning how to be kind to myself. It's a long process, but one that is proving worthwhile. I think it's contributing to my satisfaction and joy in life. C is wonderful, but he is not and cannot be my everything. It would be unhealthy for me to expect that. I need to find my own joy and satisfaction outside of him and our relationship, although he does bring me much joy and satisfaction. That's why I'm grateful that I can still work some. It does a lot for my spirit to know that not only am I still somewhat self-reliant, but I am helping others. It's been hard, this loss of independence and control over my life... but I still have some measures of self-reliance left, and I cling to them.

Now I'm just rambling. I ran out of the effective painkillers my rheumatologist gave me to tide me over, so I had to take a large dose of two other painkillers that I still have. It worked, and I feel very relaxed and happy, which I love. I can see how easy it would be to become a prescription pain killer abuser, but that is something that I do not want. That contributes partially to my guilt over pain meds. I'm afraid that by enjoying the relief from pain and the mild euphoria that the drugs sometimes bring, I am choosing the path of the drug abuser. I know that's not the case, but enjoying the effects of the pain killers frightens me in a way. The weather has been forcing me to take more pain killers than I would normally (the barometric pressure is all over the place!), but I have other, more active ways to relieve the pain as well. C claims that I'm going to kill him with wanting sex so much, but it's just a natural part of who I am. I think he secretly enjoys the fact that I want him so much. In fact, I know he does. He pretends to hold out because he likes to watch me try to convince him to "give me a dose of painkillers". I found that little tidbit out last night, and I pretended offense, but I find it just as fun as he does to try to convince him, so the game will go on.

Summary: getting the medical help I need, despite our financial hardships. (Payment plans FTW!) Life is good. I love my husband, and I love being married. Took some meds, I feel good, and I borrowed some books from the library so I've been reading like crazy lately. I've been more fatigued than usual, so it's a good past-time.

The cute and sweet: C and I went grocery shopping last night. He came home and I mentioned that I needed to go buy water, but that I was tired and hurting and didn't want to... so he put on his jeans and made me go with him. And, because I was super fatigued and it hurt to walk, he suggested that I ride on the front of the cart while he pushed me. So I did.

While browsing the meat section, C automatically began checking the ingredients on the various products he was interested in, putting each one back when he came to some ingredient I couldn't eat. He knows my allergies just about as well as I do, and he automatically checks for them. Isn't that sweet?

Also, he won't kiss me for at least half an hour after he's eaten something I'm allergic to, and usually after washing it all down with some sort of drink that's safe.

Since we made the agreement that he would help support me until I'm out of school, he has given me money every Sunday without my ever saying anything. And he pays for whatever groceries I pick out while I'm with him.

While pulling out of the store parking lot last night, I told him, "I really appreciate your taking care of me."

"I don't mind."

"I know you don't, and it really impresses me. I mean, if you're taking care of me like this when I'm 'just your fiance' and you're not even legally responsible for me or anything, I know that I can trust you in the future, no matter what happens. I feel totally safe."

"Well, good."

"Yeah. It shows your character. You're a good guy."

And I know that, whatever kind of little family we end up with, I can trust him to take care of us and provide for us or die trying. I also know that he won't leave me because we fall on difficult times. Very, very comforting.

Now for the ridiculous: part of all this joint stuff that turned out to be fibro is that, at times, it can hurt to be touched a lot. And I'm super fatigued and don't have much energy to exert right now.

I'm going into a massage therapy training program where we'll be working on each other for literally hours a day.

Ahh, what curve balls life throws at me... I mean, who would have thought that the year I finally decide I'm going for my massage license I come down with something like this?!

Oh, well. At least it makes for a good, inspiring story :) Because I am going to complete this course and get my license. Even if it kills me. Which it very well may.

Oh, yes, did I also mention that I'm engaged now? I mean like, officially officially. As in, he got down on his knees and all that :)

I believe a backstory is called for, yes?

This morning as I was getting ready for school, I went to go put my ring on. Much to my shock, surprise, and dismay... the little white box wasn't where it usually was. Figuring C must have moved it somewhere, I made a mental note to ask him about it later and grabbed my celtic medallion instead.

I was doing work/homework when C got home tonight, but I put it aside and followed him into the bedroom for some quality time/conversation, as I usually do. Amidst playful banter and stories about my professor, I asked him what he had done with my ring. Of course, he pretended to not know what ring I was talking about, or what I was talking about at all! Naturally, I plied him with questions as to why in the world would he hide my ring?!

So, here's the set of the scene-- he's gotten up from the bed where we were nestled cozily and swung himself into his big computer chair, and I'm sprawled across the covers facing him. He won't tell me where it is ("I guess you'll just have to find it!"), but he does crack a few jokes about thinking about being super devious and switching out the ring in the box for a different, older ring (one that doesn't even fit anymore!), about hiding it partially to see how nuts I would go looking for it. He didn't make it hard to find, though. As he swiveled around in his chair, it was plain to see that the little white box was sitting on top of the low bookshelf behind him, blending in with the white wall behind and the white alarm clock next to it.

"I found it!" (In my defense, it was dark in the room this morning. And I had to hit the door or I would be late. No time for a hunt.)

He picked up the little white box, opened the lid, and spent a few moments in quiet contemplation. Then he looked up at me, a funny expression on his face. I couldn't stop the excitement from rising within me as he slid to his knees, stating that he wanted to make it official. He pulled the ring from the box, took my hand, and as he slid the ring on my finger (after I showed him the right hand to put it on lol) said, "I do want to marry you. I love you." He was gazing into my eyes with this super melty, super lovingly intense look.

I replied, "I want to marry you too. I love you."

It's all kind of a blur, really. That's as specific as I can make it, and I'm not even sure I got the right phrases in the right places or the precise sequence of events. It doesn't really matter, I think. I just want to remember the sweetness of the moment, the silly grin on his face and how he was practically giggling at the fact that we're engaged! I was totally silly, too, grinning like a fool and kicking my heels.

Me: Wait, so... you really just proposed to me?
C: I assume so. I'm pretty sure that's what that was.
Me: Squeeeeee! *huge grin*
C: *goofy grin*

C: Now you can show off to all your friends.
Me: ... You know me too well.

C: I'm glad you're back.
Me: Me too.

So why'd he hide my ring? Because he wanted to give it back to me before I "stole" it again! Hah!

He was planning on taking me out to our special lake, "stealing" his dad's boat, and having the guys disguised in the boat with signs. As they went past, he would point the boat out to me, and the guys would be holding signs that said, "MARRY HIM!!!" However, I was out of town this last weekend, and he just couldn't wait, so he did it tonight.

You know what? I'm not disappointed. Not at all. It was so... us. So him. So sweet and simple and just a genuine outpouring of love.

He said that he was waiting until I stopped expecting it. As we all know, that only happened like, a week ago! Hence the "delay".

*Sigh*

I have found the one whom my soul loves. And I guess he liked it 'cause he put a ring on it.

Squeeeeee!

Fighting the depression battle, still... and I'd like to think I'm winning :)

I'm coming to grips with the fact that my emotions roller coaster... and that's okay. That's okay.

Had a good past few days. First day of the new job went well. I'm absorbing a lot, and I was even able to answer some questions from customers. I go back in tomorrow, and I'm half dreading it, half anticipating it. I have to constantly tell myself, You can do this. You are capable. You are mature. You are smart. You CAN do this!


It's like a never-ending pep talk lol.

Group went well. (I'm even getting partially paid now! How about that ^_^) We ended early, and I got to sit in on the women's SA group. I gave E a ride home, we talked a bit, and we've got a lunch/therapy date on Monday, which I'm looking forward to. Seems like it might become a weekly thing, which would be nice. I want to start going through this book about healing from sexual assault, but I don't want to do it alone. I learned my lesson with The Wounded Heart.

Next day, headed up to P with Gramma after work. The hotel room was really nice, and I got good sleep- finally. That crazy cat of mine wakes me up about 3 or 4 a.m. and I have a difficult time getting back to sleep. (I decided to do the motel room thing this wkend, rather than the truck, so I think I'll be getting some decent sleep then, too. Hopefully.)

I got this natural anti-depressant/stress-support stuff at the herb store, and my mood has improved over the last couple of days. I wonder if it's really doing anything, or is that just coincidence? R called me when I texted him to let him know what I'd purchased (I like to keep him apprised of how I'm spending his money), and almost the first words out of his mouth were, "Why are you depressed??" LOL We had a great talk. He's so supportive and wonderful. I know that he really loves me and wants to see me succeeding and happy. He was actually able to relate a LOT to what I'm going through, and he gently counseled me to just be patient, to give myself time and not freak out over where I'm not... because, as he put it, I don't have to be anywhere. Just enjoy the journey. It's okay. Plans change, and it's okay. It's not like I'm a bad person for being where I'm at. But I need to learn to be okay with myself, and, unfortunately, that does take time. Apparently, the older I get, the easier it will get. All I know right now is that I love my parents. They are the BEST. I could not wish for more supportive family. What a  blessing.

Yesterday, while Gramma was in her meetings, I went grocery shopping, and spent an obscene amount of money (to me). It's really not unrealistic for groceries, but I felt sick to my stomach when I hit the cash register. Ugh. Never again. I'll live on rice and beans. Although... I am looking forward to homemade granola...

Then J and I got to hang out for a couple of hours. He took me out to brunch. When the hostess was showing us to our table, I realized that we look like a couple. I mean, a guy and a girl out to breakfast, who wouldn't naturally assume that we're on a date? But NO! So I think of it as the anti-date. :)

We've been friends for many a year- since summer '06 canvassing together. He's actually the one that confronted me about my engagement to C and brought up the idea of my going to SOULS. We both agreed that SOULS was the best and worst experience of our lives. Had we known what we were getting ourselves into... and there is no way we'd go back! But it was good, and God used it. It was wonderful in its own way.

Anyway, we had a great time at brunch, then back at his office drinking tea and hanging out with his student aide. I gave him one of my cd's as a birthday present, and he was totally stoked, because he said he LOVES the DSH cd.

The weird thing was... we connected on all these funny little things that I'd never noticed before. Like, he wants to do the truck and trailer thing, too! And take a summer and just backpack to see how far he gets (or better yet, horsepacking). Just... funny little things. Our thoughts on the lifestyles we'd like to live are fairly identical. At one point during the conversation, he started asking me what type of food I like, but as I was answering, I kinda got this "I'm being interviewed" vibe, which was startling. We also talked about how we each struggle with depression at times, but we know that God is good. I had also given him a copy of my last sermon, so I hope that helps him. I had to re-listen to it myself the other day.

When it was time for me to leave and he walked me back to my car, he suggested that we pray for each other, and we did. It was nice. Then we hugged, and he said, "I love you." I responded, "I love you, too," and we parted ways with a promise to get together again next time I'm up that way. I'm so grateful for that guy. His friendship has been priceless, and he's such a genuine, godly man. I'm proud to be his friend.

So I thought and prayed about it yesterday afternoon on the way home and during my walk in the desert, and I've come to the conclusion that, though I'm not "interested" in the sense of having a crush on him, if he had prayed about it and asked if I wanted to get to know each other better (like dating or something), I'd say "yes" at this point. It's funny that that would even come to mind, since I've never been attracted to him, per se. I mean, it's just J. He's my buddy. But after we connected so well yesterday, and I realized that I really do love him in a wonderful, platonic way, I would be willing to give it a shot. Before yesterday, I would have said, "No." Anyway, regardless of whatever happens, I told God that I am giving that potential up to Him. It doesn't need to be anything more than what it is, and I'm very grateful and blessed to have a guy friend like J. He'll make someone a fine husband some day.

And that was my anti-date. It was, honestly, really fun!

Well, I chose to delay my trip by a day, on the advice of my doctor. However, I got the car packed and ready to go, minus my guitar and my kitty. Those came along with me on the day of departure.

It was only supposed to be a 16 hour drive to LV, but inclement weather dragged it out to a 20 hour drive, with a 4 hour nap. I rolled into town exactly 24 hours after I had left Idaho! How funny.

The trip from LV to Y went well, without any incidents but my kitten deciding that she enjoyed the space below the gas and brake pedals more than any other place in the universe, and trying to obtain lodging in her favored location... while I was driving!! (She was out of the cat carrier pretty much the whole drive with no problems. She just sat perched on my mountain of belongings like she owned the place. It was a sight to see!)

I had only intended to spend the night with my friends in LV. Instead, I spent the whole weekend!
My friends from SOULS insisted that I MUST meet their house mom, because she and I are just alike. I thought, "Yeah, yeah, sure... one of these situations..."

Funnily enough, they were right! She is, of course, a bit different, as we are different people, but we're remarkably similar. I could probably pass for her daughter, definitely a niece or some other close relative. We even have a similar facial structure and body build. She's taller than I am, though.

The absolute best part is how chill she is, especially when it came to my food allergies. She loves to cook, so it was just another challenge to her. This ranks among one of the first times I've visited someone and not felt like an imposition or a drag. The only other ppl I feel that way with are the C's, because their daughter S was GF, too. Anyway, I ate good. And I learned several new recipes, which I love. Oh, and I made copies of our Daughters of Summer Hill cd's and my solo Sound of Music cd for everyone in the house. To pay me back, K took me shopping at Goodwill and the dollar store to stock me up for my trip. What a blessing that was! (Today I ate the green beans for lunch, but they weren't ripe, so they haven't set well. Bummer. I love green beans.)

I accompanied my bible worker friends to the evangelistic series that was going on at the time, both meetings a day. I was so blessed! I love hearing truth out of the Bible, especially the way this speaker presents it. He's so balanced. The only thing I disagreed with was when he was talking about the "Mosaic law" and the statutes and feast days and all that. I mentioned it to S later, only to find out that her dad is a feast keeper, and he studied it with a mutual friend of ours, who is now a feast keeper as well! I guess it's nice to know about others of similar persuasions and convictions... Fellowship, you know. And, quite frankly, it's not safe to talk about with everyone. From what I understand, there's quite a bit of animosity about the subject, and you can get yourself kicked out of church by bringing it up. So, knowing who's "safe" is helpful. (So sad that it should be so in Christian churches. I mean, even if you disagree, do you really have to be hateful about it? So not Christ-like. "Kinda reminds me of the Jewelry Nazi," says Mom. LOL)

My canvasser/Bible worker friends, predictably, canvassed me on canvassing again. No, not canvassing, but leading canvassing teams this summer. I told them, "I don't do that anymore. It's not an option." They said, "Pray about it." I said, "No way am I gonna pray about it! It's not even an option!" They said, "Pray about it."

I did. Haven't heard any word from the Lord yet, though. I did have a nightmare about canvassing that night. LOL

L had a good talk with me. I actually came out and explained to him why I don't Bible work anymore, and why I don't plan to. (I never thought I'd tell him about that! I mean, he's the big guns. It would be impudent, right? Plus there goes my cover of "good SOULS graduate".) He basically told me that he hated canvassing too, but he did it because it was the work of God, and it was what God asked him to do. And he hasn't done it this whole time, either-- it was what God used to take him to the next steps. And God really used him in a powerful way. I mean, if he hadn't done it, SOULS wouldn't be here, and then I wouldn't have gone, and would I still be with C? The ripple effect is astounding.

He told me, though, something very profound-- "Christians are to change people's lives. That's just what we do." And we know that the avenue is between us and God. That is to say, that the specific means for that is dependent on the call God gives us, if that makes sense. Like, Ben Carson for example. God led him to be a neurosurgeon, and that's how he changes lives. L was led to be a canvasser, and to start a school, and other things, and that's how he changes lives.

I can't be afraid of the hard things God asks me to do. I've been thinking, and I realized that I've kinda swung outward farther than I should. Like, the abuse taught me, and the world around me corrobrated, "What you want doesn't matter." And that's how I thought God was. "What you want doesn't matter. You do what I say, because I say it, and that's the end of the story."

So I've been going to a lot of effort to prove to myself and those around me that what I want does matter, and I can do what I want! I do things because I want to, and that's the end of the story. I don't do things that I don't want to do anymore. People need to RESPECT my free choice, alright?!

Now, however, I hear God saying to me, "What you want does matter, and you have the choice to go that way. However, it may not be the best thing for you in the grand scheme of things. Do you trust me to do what I ask, even if you don't want to at the time? I love you. I'm not out to wound you or take away your freedom."

And... I'm getting the message that I'm to keep my car and not go after the truck and trailer right now. That is hard for me to take, because I had this whole idea of freedom and independence and security built up in my mind... and now I have to give that up?

Yet, I sense God saying to me, "I have blessed you so richly. Why do you want to throw that aside? This is what you need! Trust me. It's okay to want the truck, but trust me to give you what you need. I know the plans I have for you, and what fits into those plans best. Will you trust me more than you trust your anxious thoughts, or your dreams for the future?"

Oh my.

But, yes. I want to trust God more than anything else. I want the grand scheme, far flung, eternally solid happiness more than I want the immediate fulfillment of my dreams and desires.

Because, really... how long do we have here, anyway? Even if I got to keep my truck and trailer till I die... 70 years isn't that long. I think I can endure a little "discomfort" for those few years, especially when you compare 70 of that to a million of the other.

Eternity is waiting.

Trust is ensuing.

I like to walk while I talk to God. It does so much more for me than kneeling by my bed.

On the trip here, I read a book... a really good book. It stirred in my heart a longing for something more-- to really know and experience the love of God, and to let that love flow through and spill over into every day... to really love the people around me. Every single person.

I can't do that, I'll confess it right now. No. I don't know what it is to truly love, just as I struggle with what it is to truly trust.

But God's been working with me on that.

As I look back on this past season of my life, I see a predominant theme: Trust.

God has been asking me, "Will you trust me?"

The more we work through, the quicker my answer comes back, "Yes."

It's hard, though. It's hard to trust something that you can't tangibly see, that doesn't always make sense, and that is, quite frankly, under the greatest of attacks. The whole world tells me not to believe in God, to forget about this "religion thing" and move on with my life. Try to recoup the years that I missed while I've been "deprived", and have some fun before I die.

But here's the thing... I've been looking at the actions and underlying messages that are coming through, and all I see is emptiness. Hollow, meaningless banter and canned laughter that does little to disguise the purposelessness of it all.

I want to live with fervor, passion, and meaning. Every day. And I think it's possible. But the key is love.

And here's the thing... I've been looking at the churches around me, at the actions and underlying messages that are coming through, and all I see is emptiness. Hollow, meaningless platitudes and thinly veiled attempts at control and manipulation. That, that is purposeless beyond purposelessness, when the people who are supposed to have found the answer and the antidote have only found a prettier avenue to walk down to Sheol.

I have seen, though, that this last season God has been working with me on trust. And, just as clearly, I see that the next step is love.

God, teach me to love, please. In a real, practical way, show me what love is. I cannot give what I do not have, and I cannot share what I do not understand. God... teach me about love. Please. I want to learn.


In worship with mom and the kids tonight, I read this little gem from the first chapter of The Messiah. It's a seed for the harvest that will come later, and I want to record it to remember.

"The law of selfless love was broken in heaven itself. Sin began as selfishness. Lucifer, the brightest and mightiest angel, wanted more. He wanted to be the most important being in heaven. He tried to gain control of the other angels by breaking their loyalty to God. He wanted the angels looking at him.

He began implying that God was demanding worship and loyalty. He painted God as a self-centered dictator who tolerated no questions and no doubts. (This SO aptly describes the picture of God I've had for so long, it's unreal!) With these suggestions, Satan deceived the angels. With the same ideas, he would deceive humans. He led them to doubt God's word and to question his goodness. He tricked them into seeing a God of justice and awesome majesty as cruel and unforgiving. By misrepresenting God's character, Satan pulled humans into his rebellion. The long dark night of earth's history began.

The only way to lighten the shadows was to show that Satan's description of God was wrong. This couldn't be done by force. Force has no place in God's plans. He wants only a response of love, and love does not happen on demand. Love cannot be forced or ordered of anyone. Love is returned only when love is offered.

To know God is to love him. So the way to lead humans back to God was to show humans what God was really like. This could be done by only one Being in the universe. Only Jesus, who knew the limitless love of his Father, could make that love clear to all others.

The plan to save humans was not an afterthought. It was in place before Adam and Eve sinned. The plan was a natural result of the law of selfless love. God's throne and the operation of the universe was founded on this principle. From eternity, God and Jesus knew of Lucifer's fall and that his lies would lead humans to rebel also.

God didn't create sin. He did not want it to exist. But he knew that it would happen and made a plan to deal with that most critical emergency. His plan revealed the great love he had for this world and for humanity. He promised to give his one and only Son, 'that whoever believes in him may not be lost, but have eternal life.' (John 3:16)

Satan in his selfishness wanted to be more important, more honored. He wanted to become a god. Jesus, in his selfless love, did not care about glory or honor. He became a human being."

(All emphasis mine.)

I could be watching a movie with the fam, but I know I need to process, or else I will lose myself in the swirl of activity that tomorrow will bring, and whatever insights I might have gained will be lost.

How do you force yourself to process through feelings? It's kind of like... well... like... something that doesn't work very well, that's what it's like.

By the way, I wish that I played cello. And fiddle. And piano. Those are the next 3 instruments I'm going to tackle. I've already begun piano a little bit.

Okay, focusing back on topic now...

I was just so frustrated today, so upset... it seems like all my plans and ideas are crumbling, turning to ashes... like it's all for naught.

And here's the kicker-- this is the first time I've really researched and done my "homework" and laid out a plan and saved and... tried to do it the responsible, mature, motivated way. Most things, I just kind of go with whatever opportunity presents itself and assume that's God's will.

No, I take that back-- I did the research and homework and whatnot with summer camp, too. That didn't turn out so good.

And here I am again. Maybe I should just make opportunism my modus operandi?

Let's chart this out...

My first big decision for myself was to go door to door. Research? Nope. I didn't even know what it was about except that I was selling books. How hard can that be? Hah! But that was a step towards God.

Next: Attend academy. Research? Nope. I just visited it several times as a kid, and knew that I wanted to go there. And my family friend wanted me to go, too. Another step towards God.

After that, move in with boyfriend and get a job. Bad decision, I realized later. Hmm...

Then, leave boyfriend-now-fiance and go to SOULS. Research? Nope. J talked to me, I knew that I had to get out of the situation I was in, and this was a handy out. Yet another step towards God.

When I'm about to graduate SOULS (about a month left?) and no idea where I'm going next or what I'm doing, the Idaho guys came down to interview students. They interviewed me, and I got a job a few weeks after graduation, which led me to Idaho.

I did do some research that time, to see whether I wanted Spokane, or the little country churches. I looked at the cities' websites, and I chose the country churches.

Aaaaaand... I've been here two years now. I did major homework on which summer camps to apply to, took the first one that contacted me, and... what a summer that was. (Mer.)  So that decision was a mix of the two types of decision making, really.

Then, I left camp early and decided the night that I left that I would drive out to WI for my dad. It was a great decision. I have absolutely zero regrets, and I'm so glad I did it. Talk about impulsive ;)

And now... researching and contacting schools, figuring out where I'd like to go, which schools offer what I want, etc. etc, looking for places to stay, figuring out viable options, researching scholarships and grants, filling out my FAFSA forms, and... for what?!

I talked to the financial aid lady today (finally!). It's weird, because I seem to have a semi-difficult time getting ahold of the staff at this school, whereas the school in Colorado was always so prompt... I wish this school were like that. Anyway, I finally talked to her, and realized that she had no idea that I needed to work out financial details now, because I have no money and no place to stay when I get down there. She said she'd do some figuring and call me back.

I about fell apart on the way home. It seems like everything I've tried is just not working out. The $10,000 scholarship that I thought I was guaranteed fell through. The churches I've contacted asking for a place to stay haven't contacted me back, except one. (Seriously? At least call me back to tell me, "No"!) The job I applied for hasn't contacted me, either.

As I was driving home, crying and praying, it occurred to me that perhaps God is setting the stage for something awesome. I'd really like to believe that.

I'm scared. Terrified, really. I'm scared that I'm going to go down there, only to wind up homeless. I'm afraid that I'll find out that I can't get enough money and I'll have to leave to do...???

I'm afraid that it's not going to work out. I'm afraid that I'm going to be dependent on others forever. I'm afraid of getting stranded on my way down because I only have a few hundred dollars. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid that I can't actually make it on my own.

I'm afraid that I'm going to be living in poverty forever, that I'll never make it out. I'm afraid that I will have to sacrifice my dreams on the altar of necessity.

I'm afraid that life will become nothing more than a vicious battle to simply survive.

I'm afraid because I have no backup plan. Everything I have is staked on this. And it seems to be falling apart.

I just feel so helpless!! Why can't I be self sufficient and independent, dammit?! And why do I still say bad words?! lol

I want so much to be consistent, stable... mature. Responsible. And yet I find myself constantly swinging from idea to idea, from thing to thing... It's like I have this conception of my ideal self, yet I cannot achieve it. And that frustrates me. And angers me. And scares me.

I don't want to be trapped in mediocrity.

I was sharing all this with Mom today, interspersed with tears, of course. How scared I am, and how frustrated, and how I have nowhere to go and I don't know what to do and why is this not working the way it's supposed to?!

She pointed out to me that I do have somewhere to go. Gma and Gpa would love to have me, if I wanted to wait a few months, or if I can't get this financial stuff straightened out in time.

I told her that the S's want me to leave. The sentiment in the statement is not quite the same as the sentiment they express, but it's pretty clear that it's time for me to move on. And January is the time they ("they" meaning C, lol) have set for me to move on.

And you know... E would love to have me work with her.

I could wait. I don't have to rush off. Going back to Y is a viable option. I don't know if the school has a spring starting date, or if I'd have to wait until fall, but... I could.

Who says I have to start in January? Nobody. And who would rag on me if I didn't? Probably just myself. Because once I say I'm going to do something, I want to do it! Right away! lol

And if I did go back... I could get a job, maybe. Like Mom said, there's always Denny's. Yuck. Actually, maybe not...

But seriously. Would I be a failure if I did not start school in January? Because that's what that voice in my head tells me... "You said you were going to start in January. So either do it, or scrap the whole idea. None of this 'wait till later' stuff. That's failure talk. Either you do it or you don't."

Who to believe? Mom sounded awfully believable while I was talking to her.

I need to pray about this some more.... and make phone calls.

I'll take L's advice and start pushing on some doors ;) As they say, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

But, oh... I just don't know.

Sure, it's an adventure. That's one of the only things that keeps my spirits up.

Lately, I've been running in place.

You know... running away, without actually going anywhere.

This, from the girl who talked to a support group about how to break the cycle of "survival mode".

I'm still in survival mode.

Although C and I had that talk, it didn't do what maybe she thought it would do. I launched myself into full-scale defense mode-- shut down, withdraw, and survive.

And yet... I know there's been progress, because I can feel the difference. I know what's happening, although I don't know how to stop it... and God's been talking to me.

I realized that the conscious commitment I made to not be hurt anymore is the response of a fallen heart trying to deal with its pain. That's understandable, but not healthy or helpful.

But what do I do with my overwhelming, overpowering desire to be safe? I'm beginning to think that my definition of "safe" and God's definition of "safe" are fundamentally different. My way of being safe is to distance myself, put up walls, and subdue any longings or desires that might lead to an awakening of my heart. If those longings are aroused, and then unmet, or worse, purposely thwarted, well... that could and would be devastating. It's "safer" to not take the risk at all.

And I had decided that I wasn't going to take the risk anymore. No, sir. I can still be pleasant, I can still have friends, but there was a large, padlocked gate re-erected that said, "Hither, and no further" in large, red letters.

And God is trying to talk me out of it. I agree with him, on certain levels, but I'm still just so afraid... afraid of hurting, of pain, of... broken relationships. Of dashed hopes. Of being known, really known, and then abandoned. It's happened too much.

So... what's God's definition of safety?

All I know is that he said, "I'll always be there."

Is that enough? Can I trust that?

I want to.

Running in place... running against the wind.

I'm not getting anywhere... but it's better than not doing anything, right? ;)

I'm trying to be healthy, I really am.

Have you ever been rather certain of something, and yet you do not want to advertise the certain-ness for fear that you are not, in fact, totally certain, and that you will end up looking like a fool?

Yup, I'm in that quandary. I'm praying and praying that God will guide me, show me whether this certainty stems from him or from my own misguided ideas, and, well, I know I'll be making up my mind soon one way or another. I know myself- I'm not one for protracted examination of... anything. I make decisions fast. (Relatively.) My dad, now, he'll research something into the ground before he makes a decision. I'm better about researching my decisions now than I ever was before. But I'm still a rather rapid decision maker. I'll agonize over my choices intensely, but when I come to a decision, I want to get on with things. NOW! lol

Anyway, that's just a private storm brewing in the recesses of my mind. I'll probably have made my mental choice one way or another (for now) by this time next week.

Ahhh... don't you wish you knew what I was alluding to? :)

J's right. I'm impulsive. I swing from one thing to another quickly. Is that a bad thing?

I just feel something in the air... change. It's coming. Something is going to change, in a big way, and soon. I don't know what it is, but I feel it coming. God's preparing me for... something.

In a way, I'm trepidatious, like, "Does this mean that I'm not going to be able to do my support group after all? After setting everything up? Or does it mean that I'm only going to be able to do it for a few months? Isn't that technically failure?"

Because here I've thought that the very fact that God's opening doors for this group is proof that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to do... and I am. For now. But that may change soon. I think. Maybe. Heh. (That's just my life!)

I don't want to go anywhere until winter's over. I don't like traveling in winter.

Do I think I'll be leaving S's? Maybe. I love this family, and dearly. Desperately. Obsessively. Compulsively. (Ok, ok, just kidding.) But it's very difficult for me to balance "support" with "salvation" right now... and honestly, I'm tired of being dependent. My dad pays for my medical bills (now that's salvation!), my cell phone (I'm on a family plan ^_^), my car insurance, and until this year, my car tags. The S's provide me with food. I pay for my gas, car maintenance, clothes, other basic necessities of life, gifts, and my Bible college bill. Not bad, I guess (especially with no income!), but I am itching to be totally independent. Not that I wouldn't mind a roommate or something- I don't like staying places totally by myself. But I want to be an adult, for crying out loud! I want to strike out on my own and make an impact on the world.

On the flip side... leaving home is scary, and this place is warm, snug, and secure. Why should I leave the womb? (Funnily enough, I actually refused to leave the literal womb.) I long for change and adventure, yet I am loathe to leave the security of the known and predictable. What a trap to be caught in. Which impulse do I obey?

Interestingly, the Holy Spirit now resides within me. I don't know where he was before, or if he was in me/around me and I just didn't know it, but last night I asked God to send the Holy Spirit into my heart and give me what I need (because I'm not always accurate on what I think I need), and then I found Luke 11:13, which says, "If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?"

Huh. Well, then, I guess that means that God send the Spirit when I asked him to. That means... that now I don't have to be confused about whether or not he dwells within me as 1 Corinthians 3:16 claims he does... because God said he'd do it, so he did. Cool!


I know that the Bible says that when we are followers of God, when we have faith in Jesus' name for our salvation, that the Holy Spirit will come and dwell in us. It always confused me, though, because I thought, That certainly can't be true! Look at all the junk inside me! There's no WAY God would want to hang out in there... But I guess he does. And I think it's only by hanging out among the junk that he can clear it out. He had to come down and live with us people in order to save us... I think it's the same principle, as near as I can tell. Then again, I'm no authority.

Buuuuuuut... now that the Holy Spirit is for sure for sure living inside me, I know that he'll for sure for sure guide me. God's guidance is not some "somewhere out there" thing that I have to try to decipher. God will guide me, personally, now. How? Not sure, precisely, about all the specifics... Definitely through the Bible, though. I mean, if someone were to come to me for advice, and I'd already written a book, I'd probably give them the book to read if it would answer their questions. It'd be tons easier.

But I know that God guides people in other ways than just Biblical exposition. I was reading Acts today, and the disciples were so amazingly attuned to God's voice! Yes, he sent angels and gave them visions, but those were the exception, not the rule. Most of the time, they went places to preach until, well, until they were done. Then they moved on. It's like they just knew. God told them, I think. They didn't stress about having time quotas to spend in each place, or how many converts they were supposed to get... It was powerful stuff, what they were doing. What's really cool is that they were just going and God would give them an opportunity to speak, and they would (and the Holy Spirit would fall on them and give them the words and the power), and people's consciences would be pricked. Usually, that meant people would profess faith in Jesus, but sometimes that meant the apostles would be stoned or thrown in prison or beaten, etc. And that was alright, because it was God's plan, not theirs, and they knew that whatever was befalling them, God had it under control and it would all work out okay.

WOW.

If I could live my life like that, well... there's no telling what could happen. Talk about adventure ;)

I could live with that kind of transmogrification. Imagine, frightened little me, living a life of bold faith.

Oh, I want it. I want it real bad.

But am I willing to bear the cross that comes before the crown?

Eh... that's one item of junk that the HS is gonna have to clear out... all that trepidation I've got plastered on the walls.

I am completely humbled right now. I'm in awe. I'm beyond awe.

I can't believe what God has done for me... It's amazing to me that he would care for me so much... I'm just... stunned. Tear-filled eyes lifted to heaven in a silent Hallelujah.

First of all, I made it safely to Y. I thought that was business as usual, but when my grampa took my car to the mechanic's this morning (to check out a leak that mysteriously stopped the day before I left), he noticed that my left rear tire was, to put it simply, very very bad. There were wires sticking out and everything.

When he took it to the mechanic's, he mentioned that I had just come from California. A turned to him in amazement and asked, "How?! I can't believe she made it here!" Indeed, they weren't even sure my grampa would make it to the Walmart to get a new tire.

The tire had separated. While I was driving.

That's the exact same tire that blew out in The Accident back in '06... you know, the one where I should have died? The one where I went blind?

I just... wow. And see, the thing is, I stopped before I got to J and filled up my tires with air (which we had also done just before the blowout-- I'm so done with filling up tires on the road!!), and the psi was fine, around 35. A little low, but not bad. When they checked it this morning, it was 18! Clearly, this happened after I filled up the tires, and I had no clue.

The tire separated. I am still in shock. I literally could have died yesterday. Obviously, God's not done with me yet. :)

That leads me to my second point... I got a job! (Actually, I came home floating on cloud 9 with this news when I found out about the tire-- it makes it so much more poignant.)

It's volunteer, at first, but I'll actually be getting a paycheck after a while, which is an unexpected blessing.

It came out of my decision to start a support group for abuse survivors up where I'm at in Idaho. I had been struggling with the decision for some time- months- thinking, Is this really the right thing to do? Am I qualified for this? Is this what God wants me to do?

After some things falling into place in my mind lately (especially speaking to E's DV and Sexual Assault groups while in Y, and singing for those beautiful girls at camp), I finally decided to just do it. These survivors need someplace to go where they can heal, where they can find God, where they can experience his love. They need this, and so do I. I'm not going to let my fear of making a mistake and losing God's love and affection stop me, because that's just not truth. It's of God, and I'm going for it.

So today, while I was visiting with my wonderful, beautiful, superlative friend and mentor E (who was actually my Victim's Rights Advocate back in the very beginning of my journey towards healing), I told her that I was going to do it. I was going to start a support group in Idaho.

She then started talking about 503c's and grants and umbrellas and all kinds of stuff, and I realized... she wants me to work with her! I'm not in this alone!

So, basically, I'm going to open up an Idaho chapter of her agency that God just started, The Healing Journey. I'm going to start another blog specifically chronicling  that experience.

Then, she starts talking about paychecks! Because I'm going to be under the umbrella of her agency, I'll be getting paid to run this support group. I'm going to do fundraising for the agency.

Y'all, I'm going to be a director of an agency!

God, what are you doing with me?! You're giving me this job, doing what I love? I was going to do it volunteer! You really put this in my lap? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH ME?! You're amazing!!

I'm just so... humbled. Awed. Nervous. Stunned. Excited.

He wants to use me. I'm so broken. I have so much healing to do. I was so untrusting, not sure that he could provide a paycheck for me when I went back home.

And he still wants me... to be that broken vessel, that cracked jar of clay...
He wants me to blaze for him. How can his light pour out of me if there are no cracks? It stays locked inside.

God has chosen me. He's given me a job, doing what I've been wanting to do for how many months and years now? He's given me my passion... and I know it's going to be hard. That's why I'm nervous. I feel inadequate. But it's not me, it's him. And he knew that he wanted me to do this, and he wrapped his hand around my tire and kept it from disintegrating when, in all reality, it should have.

And I'm in awe.

Today is my day off! Woohoo! I'll be heading down the mountain into town in a few minutes.

Yesterday was difficult. After my morning time with God, where he helped me process through the dream and its accompanying emotions, when I had that "battle of the worth"... I was fighting feelings all day.

I was down. It was a hard day. The neat thing, though, is that I knew that, even though I felt down, what God had said to me earlier was true. And I knew that, eventually, these emotions would pass. How I felt that day was not an indicator of how the rest of my life (or even my week!) would be.

Feelings come and  feelings go, and feelings are deceiving.
Trust alone in the word of God- it's something worth believing!
(Thanks, Dr. Nedley, for that neat song.)

Even though I've turned this over to God, it still hurts. It's painful. It feels like the wound had finally scabbed over (again), and God peeled back the scab to deal with the underlying infection. OUCH!

Any time that wound is bumped, it hurts so bad, all the way to my core.

But God is faithful.

Yesterday was difficult, but God is good. That's a good summary of the day.

I got to talk to the family and have worship with them over the phone. That was so nice. I miss them... but the ache is starting to subside. I'm getting used to it, I guess.

And now... to commence the day off... I must Google the shops I want to visit.

So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; 
It shall not return to Me void, 
But it shall accomplish what I please,
And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. 


“ For you shall go out with joy,
And be led out with peace;
The mountains and the hills 
Shall break forth into singing before you, 
 And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands."


{Isaiah 55:11, 12}

I've been reading Pilgrim's Progress through again lately. Since I haven't been feeling well for a day or two, I've made quite a bit of progress. (I'd say I'm about half through.)

I came to the part where Christian's burden is released- when he climbs to the top of Golgotha and views the Suffering One on the cross.

It occurred to me... I don't think I really get it. I've read the story of the crucifixion, and it has impacted me- don't get me wrong! But I don't think I truly, truly "get it".

I'm also reading another book, called "He Loves Me!", and I came across this series of quotes this morning.

"...it was not so incredible to Abraham when the God who had touched his life asked him to sacrifice his only son. All the other gods in Canaan did it, why not his? But this God was not a false god like the others deemed interested in human sacrifice. This was the true God. He was going to reveal himself to Abraham and wanted him to know this God had nothing in common with Molech, Baal, or Asherah."

"Abraham had faced the ultimate test in his growing trust in God. Even though he was willing to sacrifice Isaac, he discovered that God didn't really want or need the sacrifice." (The author means the act of a human sacrifice, not Abraham's willingness to sacrifice all for God.)

"In this one act, God drew a line that separated him from all the false gods men had ever created. The false gods demanded sacrifices for their own appeasement. This God provided the sacrifice we needed to finally cover our shame and allow us to know him as he really is."

That's when I knew that I didn't get it. I thought, Man, I'm so visual! If only there were some way that I could see it, I know it would impact me...


So I watched The Passion of the Christ, for the first time ever.

I'd been putting it off. I was scared. I knew that, once I watched it, those images would be seared into my brain forever...

And now I get it.

At least, more than I did before.

I cried. No, more than that- I sobbed, I screamed, I wept and I pleaded with the soldiers on the screen to just stop hurting him!! That's God! What are you doing?!

And as I watched Jesus being tortured, I thought about pain. I thought about the fact that I'm hurting today, and it's hard to walk. I compared my pain to his pain... yeah, right. Mine is but a wisp of a shadow, even when solely comparing the physical aspect. How could I ever claim that God does not understand pain??

I also thought about the marvelous machinery of the human body. I thought about how Jesus was there, creating Adam... tenderly and meticulously sculpting and arranging the various tissues, muscles and nerves. I thought a lot about nerve endings. I thought about how desperately, wickedly ironic it was that the very aspects of God's creation he formed with such delicate care were now being exploited and used against him. God made pain to protect... and now, he was subjected to the utmost limits of it.

I thought about my healing. I thought about how much hope I have found, how much happiness and joy... and I realized that this... this... unspeakably horrific and unutterably heroic moment in time is the underpinning and undergirding- the very backbone- of all the good things I have found. How can something so good come out of something so ghastly?

"By his stripes, we are healed."

As sobs racked my body, I realized with great clarity that this is the cost of healing. And he wanted to give that gift to me. He did it willingly... so that I might be free.

Amazing love... how can it be that you, my God, would die... for me?

What kind of God is this? What kind of person goes through that... willingly? What kind of a person is woven from the fibers of such pure LOVE that, after hours upon hours of unspeakable tortures, and in the midst of yet another brutal assault, they can crack open swollen, blood-drenched lips to rasp out, "Forgive them"?

If I never knew before, I know now... and I will serve this God for as long as I live.

Now I understand why the apostles were so fervent. They got it.

"One can obey God and yet not trust him, and in doing so miss out on a relationship with him. One cannot, however, trust God and be disobedient to him. For we shall see that all disobedience flows out of mistrust in God's nature and of his intentions toward us.

Thus the experience in the Garden wasn't to demand their obedience but to incubate their trust. He knew that the first step toward him might well be a step away from him in disobedience. He knew the lesson would be painful and costly- for him most of all- but he chose it because he desired people who would relate to him in love rather than obey him in fear. It would have been far easier to accomplish the latter, but God knew that love could flourish only where trust does, and that real trust could emerge only where people were free to reject it."

It really is easier to obey God out of fear than to trust him, and, in effect, to love him. Easier, sure... but way, way less fulfilling.

I would not trade my life now (and the consequent relationship with God) for any of the previous years of my life... no matter how much I thought I had what I wanted.

What am I worth? That question (and its cousins) has been nibbling at my mind lately. It tends to travel in the company of fear, I find.

I watched a video tonight that talked about worth. The first point the speaker brought out is that worth is subjective, meaning that the person who is looking at a certain thing determines the worth, based on the exchange that would take place. Like, “Is this airport soda REALLY worth $5? I don’t think so.” Or, “Is gas REALLY worth $5 a gallon? I don’t think so, but I have to get to work, so... I guess it’s worth it.”

The second thing the speaker brought out was that the container is usually less valuable than what’s inside the container. What do you do with an orange? You throw away the peels. (Or compost them.) A water bottle? You throw away the bottle. (Or recycle it. Or whatever.) The package is not what we’re interested in- it’s what’s inside that has the value. Well, he brought out 2 Corinthians 4:6-9, which says that “God who commanded the light to shine out of darkness has shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God, in the face of Jesus Christ. And we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.” So what’s outside? The “earthen vessels”- that’s us. You and me. What’s inside? “This treasure”, which is the light of the knowledge of the glory of God- the brilliant, illuminating light of who God is, which can be found in Jesus. 

And who is God? God is love, right? And where do we see that most clearly? At the cross, when Jesus died for us. 

And, according to the theory that the contents are more valuable than the packaging, the “earthen vessels” are of a lesser value, correct? Wrong. The very act of the cross proves our value. Because, remember, worth and value are subjective. God considers me more valuable than his own existence.

I... am overwhelmed by that thought. God considers me more valuable than his own existence.

And he knew. He knew me before I was born. He had me in mind, and he knew my heart, and my struggles, and the pain that I would cause him, and the questions and the fear and the anger that would rage within my heart, and... he still said, “It’s worth it. She’s worth it. I’m going through with this anyway.”

So how can I fear that, if I make a mistake, he’s going to walk away from me, or shut me out? I mean, he considers me to be more valuable than his own life. Like, if one of the S’s, or my mom, or D, or H, or anyone else consciously chose to die so that I wouldn’t have to (because in this hypothetical situation, I am somehow doomed to death), but then was miraculously brought back to life by God or medical science or something, I would never question their loyalty to me again. I would never fear that they would just walk away and leave me in the dust, because I would know the value that they placed on me.

God is so amazing. How can he love me this much, knowing who I am? I feel unworthy... but his actions prove me wrong. Just think... he would have enacted the whole plan of salvation, just for me. That is the worth that he places on me... flaws and all. Mistakes and all- past, present, and future. I’m not done making mistakes, I’m sure. (I’d like to be!) But he knew... and he did it anyway.

So when my worth is determined to be less than invaluable... who am I going to listen to? Truly, who will I listen to?

It's midnight.

Why am I awake?

I saw some friends, didn't leave until 10. Then I went to the store. I got home at 11 precisely.
Then I did fb and email check.

Now I'm here.

I'm wondering about my future.

What is this summer going to be like? Who will I meet? What photos will I take?

What kind of person will I be after this summer?

It is going to be a building block of my personhood. New experiences always are. What alterations will I have undergone (slight or otherwise) by the time August rolls around?

It's funny how I just assume that I'll still be alive.

And I also wonder... will I have met "that special someone"?

This summer is strictly for ministry purposes, mind you. Even if anything were to develop, it would go on hold until the summer's over. (And I'm going back to Idaho, so it wouldn't develop anyway... guess I've developed a sure-fire plan for emotional security.)

"And the future seems so bright, I can barely open my eyes..."

I'm standing on the brink- a yawning chasm of the next thing. I guess I'm just feeling it.

Life doesn't always continue on as it has in the past, and I'm grateful for that. If it were so, I would never heal.

I leave Thursday for this new job. I'm sort of excited, rather unsure of myself, and eagerly hopeful. I just.. really want to do a good job.

I'm afraid- afraid I'll be overwhelmed with responsibility and expectations as I was with Bible work. I can't shut down- I just can't. I can't fail two jobs in a row. (I've learned to think less of my experience with BW as failure, but still... it has that bitter aftertaste sometimes.)

But, God, you're the one that opened this door, right? You told me yourself that you always give me the power to do what you've asked me to do. I gotta believe that.

Here we go with this trust thing again...

I'm just afraid of my own weakness, is all.

I like to plan things. Especially my future. As I'm endeavoring to live each day at a time, that can sometimes be a liability. Especially when I tend to live in the future instead of the present- eternally planning and scheming, trying to make things go "just right", and ignoring the beauty and joy of the day that is unfolding around me.

So, it would be easy to swing in the opposite direction and not plan anything... at all. Except that it goes completely against my grain, and I just can't do that.

So I've been praying a lot about the future- what comes after summer camp? People keep asking me, "What are you doing next year?"

I just smile and tell them, "God hasn't revealed that step yet."

And that's okay. I trust him. But I still need something to aim for, else I'm casting about, well... aimlessly.

I talked to Dr. S from Weimar College yesterday. What he shared for worship really intrigued me, and it turns out that Weimar has a one year Massage and Natural Remedies course (something that's always intrigued me).

As of late, I've been feeling the pressure of time. Having studied at least superficially the prophecies of the Bible concerning Jesus' second coming, it's becoming more and more apparent to me that the world is, to put it simply, unraveling.

Seriously. Jesus is coming back soon, and I don't feel that I have the time to spend doing 4 years of college. I need to be doing something now! I don't want to be caught unprepared when it all goes to pot right beforehand.

And recently, it's been coming to my attention again just how important agriculture is. I know I struggle with Ellen White, but I do believe that God was speaking through her, and she has a lot to say on the necessity of agricultural work. I've seen with my own two eyes how it opens doors.

So, the three lights as one that guide us in God's will? 1. God in his word. 2. God in circumstance. 3. God in our hearts, urging us forward.

Yesterday, in my devotions, this phrase popped out at me- "When I give you no special guidance, stay where you are."

Whoa, God... for serious? Could you be asking me to stay with the S's and learn gardening? I mean... the circumstances are right. The Bible speaks very favorably about agriculture and farming, and I know you have a lot of lessons to teach from that occupation. I want to in my heart... so... I guess that I'll just plan to go back home and live for a year, unless you show me different.


Huh. That was easy.

As Dr. S told me, "God can't change your plans if you don't have any."

Seriously, it's not like I'm making plans so that I can be like, "Okay, God, here are my plans. Approve them, k? 'Cause I'm gonna do this, no matter what."

No way! I want to do what God wants me to do!

Also, I found out that my debt from SOULS is less than I thought it was, so I'll actually have more money saved from this summer than I thought. I can live on that for a time. One thing's for sure- I'm not working for B anymore.

And as far as the year after goes... I think I'll go to Weimar and take their massage course. I've been massaging for years. I love it. And I've discovered that I looooove A&P from talking to my chiropractor.

Funny story: When I was a kid, I used to pretend that I was an apothecary. I know, some girls dream about being princesses or ballerinas, but I dreamt of being an herbalist. I had this little wooden cabinet and some teeny jelly jars that I had saved and washed out. I would take the herbs out of old tea bags, stock my little jars with "cures", label them, and keep them in my cabinet.

So, here are  some of the courses I'd be taking:
-Basic & Advanced Massage
-Health Evangelism
-Anatomy & Physiology
-Hydrotherapy & Natural Remedies
-Pathology
-Kinesiology

Oh, buddy... I'm excited, already!!

So, as usual, nothing's set in concrete, but next year I'll be hangin' out in Idaho again. Being away for only a week and a half has temporarily cured me of my impatience to do something else and desire for change. I MISS HOME! But, on the other hand... I'm really enjoying myself. I've been giving massages to the girls, and I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. So I'm not just wasting time and goofing off- I'm being productive!

Oh, yeah, and next year... I'm taking piano lessons.
So, gardening, racquetball and monthly activities, piano lessons, farmer's market, and Daughters of Summer Hill. That's my year. Those are my boundaries. I'm sticking to it.

God's answer:

"I, even I, am he who comforts you.
Who are you that you should be afraid of a mortal man,
and of the son of a man who will be made like grass?"

Isaiah 51:12