Defiance

There is a pulsating sadness within me, a great, walloping heaviness that I can't define...

I feel so inexorably lonely... so adrift upon the sea of my own consciousness...

I almost cried when C left for work, but kept myself.

I'd be tempted to crawl under the covers and take the beating that this inexplicable dejection brings...

...but last night at the boy's group, we talked about feelings, and how we can choose not to dwell on the negative, but choose the positive. One of the boys likened it to having a big plate of food, half of it negative and half of it positive. If you eat all the negative stuff and leave the positive on the plate, how do you think you're going to feel? Sick! But if you eat the positive stuff and leave the negative stuff on the plate, you'll feel a whole lot better. The negative stuff is still there, but you're not feeding on it.

It is tempting to feed upon sadness, I'll admit.

However, today, I say, "Screw you, feelings. I am going to continue with my day as planned, even if I do feel down."

Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. I just am sad. And that's okay. But I'm not going to indulge it, not today. (Perhaps another day when I'm not quite as strong?)

So I'm going to put on my big girl panties, brush my teeth, and get on with the business of moving in and cleaning.

If I carry this throbbing melancholy with me all day, well, then, so be it. (It can't be as bad as the headaches.)