Flee

I've made my choice.

Maybe a bit impulsive, but I see the clear benefits.

It just seems like too much of a wide, inviting possibility for me to walk away from it.

Not that it doesn't come with its own prickles and spears of fear.

I... am afraid.

I'm afraid to settle down.

Change... it's what my family does best. We adapt. We flex. More than that...we move. New apartment, new city, new state, whatever. More than the average person, I suppose.

The wanderlust was bred right into me. (In addition, dysfunctional dynamics always require and instill a certain level of constant shifting, moving, changing, running.)

Then... we stayed in one place. For, like, 5 years. The longest I'd lived in one place in my whole life.

And then I escaped. I went away to school.

I came back, presumably to settle down, but the family was gone. I was isolated, lonely, depressed... restless...

So I left again. Bible college, this time. And oh, what a college. Constantly on the road---this city, that city, this state, that state... I think the longest I was ever in one place was our several month practicum. Always on the move.

It was familiar, if stressful. Then again, life before had been familiar, if stressful, non?

Then I graduated. I had no job, no place to live... but by the skin of my teeth, I got a job in ID a few weeks after graduation.

So I moved again. But the job wasn't for me-- I hated it. I was festering and crumbling on the inside, keening death-wails and tortured sobs of grief that few could hear through the thick, shiny veneer of Bible Worker that I had pasted on. So I quit, shortly after moving again.

This time... I stayed. I stayed for a while. Over a year. And--get this-- I thought I could stay. I mean, long term. I was ready for it. But, as tends to happen, the proverbial excrement began its inevitable ascent towards the oscillating cooling device, and... I moved.

Well, this time, I was going to move anyway, but it happened quicker than I had been anticipating.

So here I am, faced with the decision to settle down, or move.

I'll give one guess as to which I'm inclined towards.

I'm scared to try life, scared that I won't be able to hack it... I mean, who blames a nomad for being poor? They are not in one place long enough to accumulate any wealth to speak of. Who blames a nomad for having few meaningful relationships, or for being reticent and uninvolved in a community or church body?

When you're on the move, it frees you from so many responsibilities... preserves so much energy that would be expended in all these other places like family or friends or church or community or, heaven forbid, work.

I'm scared to try this serious relationship long-term. I've been told over and over again that "unless your relationship is built on God, it won't work, it's going to fail and be bitter and miserable and you'll realize too late you made a mistake". You know what? I think that's a lie, if it's presented as the determinate factor between success and failure. It's a contributing factor, but I don't think it's the thing that makes the difference between success and failure.

I think that there is more to it than that.

I think your souls have to be aligned at the deep level, and that's what a common belief in God does for you. But it's much more than that, so much more. (If it weren't, then what's the excuse for any divorce among Christians?)

And I realized today that I've heard this so much that I was believing that C and I couldn't ever really work. But you know what? I didn't know that we couldn't until I was told so. I never wanted to leave until I was told that it was bad for us to be together.

I've been scared to follow this to its natural conclusion, scared that what I've been told will be reality and that our compatibility and our commitment and our love will not be enough, will never be enough, for lack of this one element. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Brilliant, really.

But... it's not true.

And I also realized today that I really, really resent the attempts of Christianity to weaken and minimize the individual, to discount and force a surrender of the innate strength of a human soul. I don't think that is how God meant it to be. I resent anything that tells me I am not strong, that I am not capable. Because I am. I may be weak at times, but even in my weakness, there is an undeniable strength. God did not save me from being abused, so I took care of myself. I found ways to cope, to keep myself sane, to make it through. I had a really rough start, and maybe God allowed it to be that way for a reason that I don't understand, but I got myself through. And I'm not about to stop now. I'm going to take care of myself, because I can and I am capable of doing so. I refuse to be a weak person, even if I do have weak moments. They are undergirded with strength by my decision to keep pushing through, putting one foot in front of the other, no matter how difficult it becomes or how infinitesimal the progress seems.

If I can somehow reconcile this inner strength of mine with the teachings of God and his Jesus, then I will be a Jesus follower. If I find that Jesus' teachings are asking me to become helpless, then I will be a follower of the Creator and none other. If I find the Creator to be Yahweh, then I will follow him.

So far, I'm becoming sure that the Bible is no collection of myths-- it's historically verifiable, at least in a general sense. (Granted, not every specific has been proven, and I don't think that will ever be the case. But it's enough, for me.) These are the memories and tales of real people.

But I've decided... I don't want to flee anymore. I don't want to run away, frightened, any longer.

I want to stand my ground and be strong.

Even if that means... committing to something, or someone, or someplace... for the rest of my natural life.

And this is one thing that I can feel good about committing to. He keeps proving it to me over and over again. The way he interacts with my soul and my mind... his gentle compassion yet unyielding intellectualism... is a compelling paradox. And the way he supports me in my times of weakness let me know that this is a man I can depend on to guard my very life.

So... I get the man I love, and to pursue the career I'm dreaming of, and continue the ministry I've been given... all in one option.

Who could say no?

Why would I say no, but for fear?

I will flee no longer.