Counseling Challenges

Counselor's.

Urmph.

(That's kind of a muffled sigh as I sink my face into my hands... in case you couldn't tell.)

It was good, don't get me wrong. It was quite good.

But... it brought stuff to light, you know? Hard stuff.

Challenging stuff.

Stuff that takes work to face.

My homework/challenges/things to think about this week?

• Define my "code" for living. I had one as a child. I had one at SOULS. What's my code now?
• Be aware of self-talk, and for every put-down (automatic or not), give myself three "put-ups"
• What does "my best" look like?

I'm terrified of the last one. I started crying in her office.

It's just like... I dunno. Like if I write it down, if I actually define what my personal best looks like... then it's out there. It's real. I can look at it and say, "Yeah. It's not good enough. I was afraid of that, but it was so nebulous that I was able to wave it away. Now I know, and everyone else knows, that I'm a failure... because this is my best. This is it. It's all I've got."

That's it. The fear of "it's all I've got", and that not being enough. I'm so certain it won't be.

At least when my "best" is undefined, then I and others can assign myself a "best", and I can strive to meet that. If I can't meet it, I can come up with a darn good excuse.

She's trying to work on self-affirmation with me.

I can't put into words exactly what I'm so afraid of... but it's going to be a hard one. Real hard.