This, by the way, is what I'm currently listening to… It's so soothing and peaceful, I feel like I need to share it for those of you who haven't heard it before. It's one of my favorites to have on repeat--the whole record is, in fact.

I hope this soothes your soul as it does mine.

I've got a confession to make: I suck at being sick.

No, really. I mean sure, I'm not a huge grouchypants most of the time like some people would be if they had to carry this load *cough* myhusband *cough* but I'm not so great at the ins and outs of actually being sick.

To demonstrate, I shall show you a cartoon a friend posted on my fb timeline the other day, and it is so appropriate.

Calvin makes a pretty good point as well:

When it comes down to the nitty-gritty of taking care of myself while sick, I'm pretty terrible at it. The last time I recall eating a vegetable was cucumber and avocado in my sushi the day before my birthday; before that, who knows? I finally unpacked my toothbrush and toothpaste from the last trip to the big city I took… you know… a week ago. I went an entire week without brushing my teeth and only thought of it, like, twice. (And I seriously cannot recall the last time I flossed.) At least I've showered once this week. Or was it twice? Can't remember.

We have maybe 4 pieces of silverware left that are clean, no bowls, and 2 large plates. Everything else is dirty, because I just haven't done the dishes in about a week. I've either been gone, sleeping, or feeling too crappy to stand that long and put forth the energy. I did some earlier and am waiting for them to air dry so I can do some more, but now I'm in bed feeling like I'm gonna puke.

Facebook peeps only see what I choose to share, and even then it's more than most people with chronic illnesses tend to share. I'm open about the fact that I'm sick and I'm in pain all the time and that I'm on prescription pain killers (among other prescription drugs). Sometimes that leads to my having to grit my teeth, smile, and dodge well-meaning advice but it's a small price to pay for the awareness, community, and authenticity it's garnered.

I guess I can't be too hard on myself, though. Recall, if you will, the last time you had a bad flu. We're talking fever, chills, nausea, headache, achy body, the works. Were you very able to function and take care of yourself and the cats and the house? Not so much. Just wanted to huddle in bed, sleep, and ride it out, yeah? Yeah. That's my everyday life. I've caught the curse of the Eternal Flu. Probably when I desecrated that ancient Egyptian tomb… yep. I'm sure that's what triggered it. I knew it would pay off to learn hieroglyphics, but nooooo, my high school guidance counselor wouldn't go with it. Well, now I have someone to blame, right? Right.

I asked Star if she knew anyone that would be willing to come by once or twice a week and help me with light chores and cooking food to freeze and eat through the week. So far I haven't heard anything, but I just might put out a plea on Facebook… just as soon as I'm done begging for alms for the Celebirthsary weekend coming up. (This weekend!) I feel guilty about it… we're strapped so tight for money, and we could use the funds we've managed to gather for other things… but on the other hand, I think that with the stress of my declining further and his truck being smashed and all the other fun stuff that's been happening (half of it doesn't even make it onto these pages) we could really use the break. Plus we've got a free place to stay with a friend of mine, so it's not like we have to pay for a hotel. I just… *sigh* I wish I didn't cost Drogo so much money. I wish I could contribute in some way. I used to pull my weight by keeping the house all spiffy and tidy, but even that is a little beyond me now (as evidenced by the week's worth of dishes). I just… I need help. But I have nothing to offer in return for any assistance. I can't pay anyone, and I don't have any marketable skills unless you count binge-watching Netflix from my corner of the couch.

I'm nervous, y'all. Really nervous. I know Khal Drogo says we're going to be fine and we'll make it, etc. etc., but I wonder how much of that is him trying to set my mind at ease and protect me and how much is actual truth? It's always hard, starting out as a young married couple. This, though… this goes beyond "hard". Sometimes I wish I could live an extremely uneventful life. It seems that my life is fated to be extraordinary with crazy things happening all the time, big difficult mountains to shoulder through and after-school-special-worthy moral lessons to be learned. But hey, you know, everyone's got their own crap to deal with in some way or another. I can't say that all the crappiness is evenly distributed, but we all get a taste of it at some point or another. I just happen to be a connoisseur, is all.

Well, I'm still feeling pretty terrible so I'm going to curl up with a book and lose myself for a while if I can. Before I leave, though, I'll just put this right here. (It's a song that's been stuck in my head for a while now, and I finally found it! Not the typical style of music I like but it's addicting to me, at least. It makes me feel seductive for some reason, and I like it.)

Well as it turns out, I didn't need to blog through my thoughts about what's going down with my honey. I just needed a good listening ear, sympathetic pats on the arm, and some words of sense that, yes, I already knew but needed to hear from another person. Most of my issues had to do with my being sicker than ever and wanting/needing more support from C in that regard. Mostly because I'm terrified and scared and lonely and overwhelmed. He stepped up admirably, and some solutions have been put forth that I find most satisfactory. Probably more on that later.

Also, the two M's are both making plans to vacate the premises within the next 6 months-ish. I am not pleased about this. However happy I am that they are moving on with their lives and getting out of this dead end town and pursuing their dreams and yada yada yada… I'm an inherently selfish person, and they are like, 8/10 of my support network here. They are, generally speaking, my rides places, my listening ears, my open hearts and arms, my dose of laughter when I don't feel like laughing and definitely when I do, my bawdy joke bandy-ers, and quest companions to both C and I in DnD and Magic. Whatever will I do without them? Just the thought makes me wilt inside. *sigh* But just because I'm settled here, likely for life, doesn't mean that others have to be chained here to suit my needs. It's just… why do all my good friends have to be at a distance?! J is all the way across the country, J and K and H are a full 24 hours' drive north, and the C family is hours north even of them… J and R are a state east of my family up north, my mom and the kids are all the way across the country as well, L is as far across the country as you can get from here (and is stealing M from me, that bitch! Kidding.), and E is too busy to come see me at all. If I'm not working with her I just don't see her, and we all know I don't leave the house any more.

My life is lonely. So lonely. That's part of what I was having problems with with C, is the sheer loneliness of my existence. Well, not the loneliness, but the inescapability of it all. He can comfort me and then go off and play games with B or D on the comp, but I'm stuck feeling awful. All day. Every day. It traps me, pins me to the couch or the bed, and there's nothing I can do about it that I'm not already doing. And who wants to ask people to come spend time with that?

How do I make new friends when these ones leave? They are taking pieces of my heart… but how do I find new people to fill the voids they will leave behind? It's not so simple for someone who is house bound, bed bound… Yes, I have my internet friends, but sometimes you just need someone to come over and be here with you, like M was for me last night. I'm happy for them, I really am, but I feel terribly selfish that this constitutes a personal crisis on my end of things.

Why do I have to be so all alone?

I guess it's a pity party. Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this? And I'm terrified, y'all. I'm so, so, so scared that this is my life, forever, for always… that I'll never get to really live life, not the way that I had always intended to. I won't get to travel. I won't get to work. I won't get to help people. I won't get to perform music. I won't get to raise a family. All of the talents and skills that I have are going to waste. My potential is withering like a sick plant because the body it is rooted in is inhospitable, toxic.

I realized the other day that, if I die (whether it's from natural causes, foul play, an accident, or by my own hand), C will be totally lost. It will destroy him. Do you know what it's like to basically be someone's reason for living? It's incredibly flattering, and it fills you with a sense of self-worth like none other. I mean, I'm his reason for living in a totally healthy kind of way, as in I'm his "true love" and I fill his life with meaning and joy, etc. etc. But I also feel bad because what kind of a life can I give him when I'm broken like this? He deserves so much more… Hell, I deserve so much more. We've had to deal with more in our first year of marriage than most people do in ten. I may be what gives his life meaning and dimension, as would the family that we someday hope to create, but… he kind of got gipped, I think.

I'm sorry. It just hits me sometimes… how sad I am about everything. I mean, I am such a bright, talented young woman. I am. But it seems like every single thing that I was, that I was capable of, is being systematically stripped away by this cocktail of sicknesses. My mental capacity and acuity that I was so proud of is falling by the wayside as forgetfulness and cognitive fog dominate my mental landscape. Often I have conversations of late that, later, I cannot tell whether they were reality or a dream unless there is some physical marker or transcript left behind. My vocabulary and spelling has taken a sharp decline, and I frequently struggle to find the "right" word, one that I know very well but cannot seem to access. I lose the names for commonplace things and events. The events of my own past are shrouded in mystery, lost to the gaping, fuzzy holes that have sprouted in my memory banks. It feels like my brain is made of swiss cheese. M remembers more about my life than I do because I've blogged it and he's read every single post, plus the events that he's actually been there for. J remembers more about my SOULS years than I do, more about our conversations… it's just frustrating to feel like a spectator to your own life.

All the things that I considered to be me… they're gone. Inaccessible. Stripped away, dulled down, tattered fragments. Who am I? What's the use of my even being here? At least I can still write, most of the time. My hands aren't that bad, not on a consistent basis. (Am I jinxing myself here? Ugh.)

It's just… it's just a pity party. An identity crisis. A sadness at losing two of my best friends to distance and the inevitable increase in isolation that will come with it.

On a completely different and random note, I watched Frozen yesterday, and it. is. awesome. A must-see. It's more musical than I expected, but it's very well done. Some of the songs get stuck in your head very firmly, such as "Let It Go". It's a short number, but powerful. I really like it. Here's the original song, and then here's The Piano Guys' interpretation of it, which is equally amazing.

I went to church yesterday. It was, surprisingly, a good experience. I mean, I didn't go for the full thing, only the last few minutes of the sermon. I was there, after all, to see some old friends, not to "receive the Word". The bit of the sermon that I caught was amusing. Lots of adjectives applied to those who don't believe, blanket statements and opinions stated as fact. Interpretations of Bible verses touted with supreme confidence that they are interpreted correctly. It was fine. I didn't mind. It's not for me, not anymore, and I know he meant well. He did a good job drawing out the audience, though. Wait, sorry, congregation. Not audience. It wasn't a show, not for them. He did a lot of the quoting of a phrase and leaving the last word out so that the congregation would chime in with the appropriate word or phrase. Several bouts of Amen-ing. He was good. Emphatic. Enthusiastic, in a reserved way, and humorous at appropriate times. He definitely gets points for presentation.

I saw the friends that I came to see, and it was very good to see them. I, of course, was on the walker since I have a hard time getting around without it anymore. It saddened them (and many others) to see that, and the husband, a physician, was very compassionate and understanding about the fibromyalgia pain. When he learned the barest extent of what I'm dealing with, he shook his head and stated emphatically, "No, not you! I don't want you to be dealing with this. I won't let it. It's not allowed." It was pretty adorable. They were very happy to see me, as was everyone else. I made the rounds and said hello to those I know and love, and then hightailed it home while I still had energy to drive. It was fun to smile and hug and share small talk (and give super sarcastic answers as to why I have the walker hehe), but it took so much energy. Even just the brief time I was there left me so drained that I slept well into the evening, woke for a few hours, and then slept again. I was awake for another couple of hours and watched a movie with C before going to bed and getting another full night's sleep. Besides the energy it took to drive and interact, people have a tendency to squeeze or pat when they hug, and of course they don't realize how painful it is for me. I actually had to correct Gramma (yet again) when she hugged me and patted me vigorously on the back, as she does. I winced and exclaimed in pain and reminded her that she can't do that anymore! She was abashed, and hopefully she remembers next time. lol.

I had a talk with C last night that went… well, not that it didn't go well, but I'm just not very good at on the spot explaining my thoughts and feelings. I need time to puzzle them out, smooth them into straight and discernible lines and patterns before laying them out to be seen and evaluated. I thought about blogging through it before talking to him, but I thought I might as well just take the plunge. He told me that I'm not very good at it, and I'd have to agree. So after a bit I will try to type it all out, make sense of it, and then read that to him. I think I got my point across, but it was a bit… muddled. Mushy. Complicated.

We just haven't seen much of each other lately, and I don't like it. I've been sleeping a lot, and he's been gaming online with B a lot, and we've just kind of been… like ships in the night, I guess. Not to mention that I've been so tired and sick and in pain that we have hardly been intimate at all this month, and that is a grievous thing to me. It impacts my sense of well-being in the relationship, but how to remedy it? There really is no way… and that is immensely frustrating. Ah well. Later. More later. I'll reason it all out. For now, I just want to think about my upcoming birthday and how I want to spend it.

You know how you just get attached to certain albums and you listen to them so much that you can't think of that period in your life without hearing those songs in your head? It's like having Muzak for your memories. Lately I've had a certain album playing on repeat in my head, and it got me to thinking about the other albums I listened to religiously during those same years. There were a few that really stand out, ones that I listened to so much that I know every vocal nuance and waver, every chord change, every beat of the drum. Here's a sampling of the soundtrack to Cassie: The Teen Years.

This is the soundtrack to my morning. It's been on loop in my head since I fell asleep humming it to myself last night. I adore the Gladiator soundtrack, but this piece has always struck a special chord with me. Not sure why. I only know that I love it.

I am feeling so overwhelmed and out of control… so tired of fighting. What am I fighting for?

I really, really wish that someone would say these things to me and really mean it. I wish that someone would just take over, take over the reins, and tell me to just rest. That they would take care of all the appointments, all the paperwork, the meds, the worry… to just rest, and I'll be taken care of. It's so hard to fight every single day and then have to fight for the big picture at the same time. Too many battles. Someone… anyone… please?

Give me your pain
Give me your anger
Let me be your rock
I can be the pillar of strength that you need
I'll help you keep it all together
It's better late than never
Lay your world on me
I can take the weight

We all laugh and we all cry
We all hurt the same inside
We all fall down and we lose faith in who we really are
But if we bend instead of break
The choice for us is to make it together
Lay your world on me

I'll help you keep it all together
It's better late than never
Lay your world on me
Lay your world on me
Lay your world on me
I can take the weight

The problem is, I'm a super strong badass. If I can't handle the weight of my own problems, who else can? No one. That's who.

Times like this, I'd love to fall back on the comfort of "give it all to God, he's got this and it's all gonna be okay." Well, I know it's all gonna be okay eventually, but that doesn't change the fact that it's goddamn hard right now, and that's what I'm having trouble with.

I know I've probably put these up here before, but they just keep coming back around and meaning so much to me… especially when I'm having a really hard time for one reason or another (like this one, which is entirely not my fault).



But now the current's only pulling me down
It’s getting harder to breathe
It won’t be too long and I will be going under
Can you save me from this?

Cause it’s not my time, I'm not going
There's a fear in me, it’s not showing
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
But it’s not my time I'm not going
There's a will in me, and now I know that
This could be the end of me
And everything I know
Oh, but I won’t go
No, I won’t go down

I look ahead to all the plans that we made
And the dreams that we had
I'm in a world that tries to take them away
Oh, but I'm taking them back
Cause all of this time I've just been too blind to understand
What should matter to me
My friends this life we live, it’s not what we have
It’s what we believe in

Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life 'til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me,
This one's a fighter

If you fall pick yourself up off the floor (get up)
And when your bones can't take no more (c'mon)
Just remember what you're here for
Cuz I know Imma damn sure

But don't be fooled by the radio,
The TV, or the magazines.
They show you photographs of how your life should be,
But they're just someone else's fantasy.
So if you think your life is complete confusion
Because you never win the game,
Just remember that it's a Grand illusion
And deep inside we're all the same.
We're all the same...

A fellow blogger shared this song on a recent post, and the lyrics really, really spoke to me. Not to mention the fact that the girl's voice is absolutely lovely, and the style is so chill and embraceable. (Also, she's so… "normal" looking, but still so attractive! That really speaks to me, as well as seeing that she is "large" but still beautiful. That comforts me as I struggle with body image as I get bigger.)

Who wants to get a bunch of balloons to hand out to strangers and make them smile with me? That looks like a really, really amazing thing to do. I'd like to tie affirmations to each balloon. I think that things fall into place just as they need to, and I bet that those affirmations will be just what needed to come into the life of whoever gets them.

Out on the open highway
Out in the open air
See the world move beneath me
Leaving without a care
I know just where I came from
But I don't know where I'll end
Only thing that I'm sure of
I'd do it all again

I found a boy I could love
Maybe I found a few
Even with best intention
They never followed through
If he could take my heart now
He'd put right in her chest
Thinking he'd have a girl
He finally could love best

And I'm gonna be fine, fine, fine
I'm gonna be brilliant

CHORUS:
This year is gonna be better and you're gonna see
This year I'm gonna be stronger and a braver me
This year and I'm gonna make it 'cause I said I would
Do all the things you said I never could

This year x2

I may not be perfection
But I never claimed to be
Maybe if I was thin or beautiful classically
Of all of the things I carry
And all of the things I know
I know that I will be loved
No matter where I go

And I'm gonna be fine, fine, fine
I'm just gonna be different

CHORUS

This year x2

Maybe you're the kind who needs lights falling down
Maybe you're the kind who needs stars racing to the ground
Just to feel the things you wish for are coming true

Sometimes it's hard to get up
Maybe it's hard to speak
You think no one understands you
Feel like nobody sees
When the night's dark around you
With all of the things you've lost
Know that the hope inside you
Sometimes is worth the cost

And we're gonna be fine, fine, fine
'Cause we'll be together

CHORUS x2

This year (I'm gonna make it, gonna make my way back to you) x2

Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know
Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

Last time we talked, the night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind
I must've been high to say you and I
Weren't meant to be and just wasting my time
Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one
After this time I spent alone
It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind
Thinkin' 'bout the better times, must've been outta my mind
So I'm runnin' back to tell you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I'd do

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

This is for C. He's keeping me alive right now.

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself, and I
Didn't know I was lost

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself, and I
Didn't know I was lost

I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don't have any plans
Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is a prize

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself, and I
Didn't know I was lost

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself, and I
I didn't know I was lost

I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know

C and I were listening to Two Steps From Hell today while out for errands. I mentioned how cool it would be to have your own personal theme music, to narrate your daily activities. "I wish my life had a theme song!" I exclaimed.

C began to chuckle, because he immediately thought of the appropriate piece of music to narrate my life: "Womp womp waaaaaaaa....."

When he told me, we both laughed heartily because he is exactly right.

I'm not dead, just lying low. I'm trying out a new type of pain reliever-- a sustained release patch. Aaaaaaand... not impressed. Either the dosage is too low, or this type of pain killer just doesn't jive with my body chemistry. It's been a very painful day.

C will be home soon. We'll watch the last episode of the first season of Farscape, and then I'll probably be calling it a night. I'm tired.

You shout it out,
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up

[Chorus:]
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium

Cut me down
But it's you who'll have further to fall
Ghost town and haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I'm talking loud not saying much

[Chorus:]

Stone-hard, machine gun
Firing at the ones who run
Stone-hard as bulletproof glass

[Chorus:]

While we were at the mechanic's, paying C's bill, we ended up in a conversation with the owner and his son. The owner is friends with C's dad, R, and he was remarking on how much C is like R. I totally agree, but I don't mind because R is good people and I like him. (The main character of Farscape reminds me so much of R!) When the owner asked what I did for a living, I had to explain about the fibro, and I got the typical, "You look perfectly healthy" response. C was explaining how I don't know from day to day how I'll be, and there are some days that I can't even make it out of bed. The owner understood because his wife has chronic back pain problems and sometimes can't make it out of bed either.

It just struck me how "bad" it really is when I heard C explaining me. It didn't really occur to me that, yeah, there are days I'm stuck in bed, and that's not normal. But when I heard someone else say it, I realized that no, it's not normal. I've just gotten so used to my life... I realize how weird it is to try to figure out when to take a pain killer, because I'm literally always in pain, so it's a question of "can I handle this level, or do I need a pain killer to bring it back to a more bearable level?" Since I went off of my meds (can't afford the Savella, and we thought the gabapentin was what making me twitch, which wasn't the case apparently), I have been in excruciating amounts of pain. I thought it was bad before? No way. Being untreated for a week showed me how bad the fibro's gotten, with the help of its autoimmune buddies... and I'm so grateful that I'm back on the gaba. Every day is a little less pain.

Today, however, I'm quite weak and dizzy, and I have a baby migraine. It's not full-blown, but it's enough to be painful and annoying. It's almost easier to be a "warrior" when you're fighting intense pain, because it's something you can focus your anger and frustration on and kind of push off of it into greater heights of determination. When you're confined to the couch because you are falling over when you get up, though, it's harder to wrap your mind around that and use it to fuel your determination. At least, it is for me. Maybe because the pain is a constant, so I'm used to it. It's almost a tangible object to me. I have weapons: pain killers, stretching, yoga, deep breathing, sex, distractions by movies and such. With the weakness and dizziness... I don't have any weapons for that. I don't know how to cope with it any other way than by resting and riding it out. I can't get out of bed today.

But I need to realize that in resting and riding it out, that is my weapon. I am battling. I am warrior-ing while flat on my back. I'm still breathing, I'm still smiling, and I'm still happy with my life. I've won.

It would be easy to focus on and give into bitterness, because I'm too young for this. I hear it all the time... "You're too young for this." I know. I know. I'm only 25. I could let the unfairness fester... or I can take it in stride and realize that everyone has a battle to fight. Life is all about "warrior-ing" in our own particular ways. This is my fight, and I'll fight as well as I can. If I fight well, then I can enjoy the rest.

So, today... I am a warrior on my back, and I'm winning.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not

I'm a fool
Out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot
In the sky
Just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the sign
And synchronize in time
It's a joke
Nobody knows
They've got a ticket to that show
Yeah

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

Just enjoy the show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

dum de dum
dudum de dum

Just enjoy the show

dum de dum
dudum de dum

Just enjoy the show

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

[Chorus:]
This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looked so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles

Now how many days in a year
She woke up with hope
But she only found tears
And I can be so insincere
Making her promises never for real
As long as she stands there waiting
Wearing the holes in the soles of her shoes
Now how many days disappear
When you look in the mirror
So how do you choose

Your clothes never wear as well the next day
And your hair never falls in quite the same way
You never seem to run out of things to say

[Chorus:]
This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looked so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles

Now how many lovers would stay
Just to put up with every day and all day
Now how did we wind up this way
Watching our mouths for the words that we say
As long as we stand here waiting
Wearing the clothes or the souls that we choose
Now how do we get there today
When we're walking too far for the price of our shoes

Your clothes never wear as well the next day
And your hair never falls in quite the same way
But you never seem to run out of things to say

[Chorus:]

Well your clothes never wear as well the next day
And your hair never falls in quite the same way
You never seem to run out of things to say

[Chorus:]

This is the story of a girl
Whose pretty face she hid from the world
And while she looks so sad and lonely there
I absolutely love her

This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looked so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles
When she smiles!

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for your time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you, babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died and made you king of anything?

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you'll never see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You've got the talkin' down
Just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide.

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me.
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be.
Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me.
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be.
Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe.