I'm still here, still alive (barely, hah!), still kicking (feebly, and then only some days).

Things are tough here at home. There's a lot of stress. Naturally, there's the stress of my being sick; that's not gone away, especially as my condition has deteriorated further and I'm spending 23 out of 24 hours flat on my back in bed. (Oh, how I wish I were exaggerating… Well, okay. I am a little. I spend some time propped up with pillows. ;) ) We're having a rough go of it financially. Medical bills are piling up, and we keep getting hit with unexpected other things, like an astronomical water bill due to the broken pipe in our front yard (but Grampa is coming over on Friday to help fix it with the tools that we don't have, so we don't have to hire a plumber! Yippee!) and Drogo is gonna need new tires for his truck, and those blasted trips to the big city and the copays for the specialists, and having to buy me a new phone, and it just goes on and on and on… Drogo told me that we don't have enough money to go grocery shopping this week. I felt sick to my stomach. We have enough food in the house to make it to his next payday, though, and Grampa said that he's going to be bringing us food from the food bank, even without him knowing that we're so tight on funds. He and Gramma know that we're struggling. It's hard, being a young couple just starting out, even without all of this medical nonsense. RDad did us a huge favor and a good turn by giving us over a thousand dollars free and clear, out of the blue, to pay a huge laboratory bill that came our way last month. I paid that on Monday, and it was a relief.

Drogo is very grumpy, distant, and moody because of the money shortage. His entire paycheck is used up this week on the mortgage and that water bill. There's nothing left over for food or other bills at all, and he still has to pay his phone bill… that'll come out of the hundred or so dollars he has left in savings, and then he'll have maybe thirty dollars left to get us through the next two weeks. And he has to buy gas, too. Oh, he's so stressed, the poor guy… and there's nothing I can do. I am actively working on applying for disability, though. That's one thing I can do. We decided that it's something necessary for us… I'm sick enough to warrant it, and we need the help. Even a few hundred dollars a month would go such a long way…

I'm getting really sick of him being so crabby, though. I'm like, dude. I get that you're stressed. It's a big deal, this money thing. It's something worth being crabby over… for a little while. You're the provider, and we both depend on you. It's a big burden. I get it. But get over yourself. Your attitude is not helping anything, and it's making this whole "hey, let's have a good, happy marriage in spite of all the shit that we're dealing with" thing very, very difficult, so knock it off. If anyone has a reason to be crabby and grouchy, it's me, but I don't act that way because it won't help anything or make anyone happy, so you need to be an adult and suck it up. For the sake of our happiness as a couple and the atmosphere of the home, get the fuck over yourself and stop letting your stress get the better of you, okay?

He says he'll stop being grumpy when the money thing is resolved, and lordy knows when that will be. I think it's a poor decision to let your circumstances dictate your attitude. If anyone has the call to be a raving bitch, it's me. But I don't. Why should I? It would just make everyone miserable, myself included. Sure, I'm grumpy sometimes, but I do my best to be happy and look for the good stuff in life, to surround myself with love and beauty. He needs to do the same. His grumpiness is setting me on edge and making me grouchy and irritable, and I don't like it.

Aaaaaaanyways… I'm also on edge because my bestie here in town moved last week (or was it the week before?) and I hadn't realized how much I'd come to rely on him for company and also for getting around town when the need arose. Having to scavenge for rides is difficult when half the people I know don't have cars and others are out of town for an extended amount of time and most of the people in town I don't know well enough to ask for rides and the rest that I do all have jobs with difficult schedules. I don't drive now, at all. And I don't leave the house without my walker, ever. If I'm not improved within 6 months, I'm gonna start saving up for a pretty, new walker that's more streamlined and much lighter.

This thing is sturdy, to be sure, but it's heavy and bulky. I got what I could on short notice and it's served my needs admirably, but I honestly never dreamed when I purchased it off Craigslist that I would need it this much or for this long. I thought it was just to aid me in travel through the long trek through several airports on the way back East for Christmas. Now I've had it a year and a half and it's an invaluable tool.

Oh, I'm also blogging now over at a different blog I just started. It's different than this blog, not as personal. More for my writing writing, if that makes sense. I need to actually draw up a schedule of topics and write an "about me", but I'm working on it. Slowly but surely. It excites me to be "out there" as a writer, even in a small little corner of the world. I do love to write, and I've received a lot of encouragement. I'll still be here, when I have the energy and the thoughts and feels I need to sort through, but I'll be there, too. Honeybee Chickadee is the name. I'll see you there?

Oh, and by the way, just wanna throw a HUGE congratulatory shout out to Beate and Keith on their engagement! I'm so happy for you two-- you are clearly a good match, and very happy together. I'm very much looking forward to wedding pictures, but more than that I am looking forward to seeing the adventure of the life you two will lead together. It's going to be stunning, I am certain, and so full of, well, life. Keith, that's a heck of a vacation my friend. I've never gone on vacation and come back engaged to a beautiful woman! Then again, I've never gone to Germany, so… maybe that's my problem. ;) Again, congratulations. Much happiness to you both.

We did our engagement photos today. I was quite excited and looking forward to it, and I had been thinking about different shots and whatnot... I really did have to face up to the fact that I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to photographing people. Not my area of expertise. However, the pictures were cute in my head, so I figured I could do it. I mean, if you can visualize it, you can create it, right? ;)

C had agreed to go with me on the photo jaunt this weekend, and last night as they were figuring out when to reconvene for game night tonight, I reminded him about the photos. He totally prioritized our activity and made everyone else wait! I felt very special :)

However, as the time drew nearer, I found myself filling with apprehension, even dread. By the time we climbed into his truck, I was about ready to cry. I told him I was apprehensive, and he spent the ride over to the park talking me through/out of it.

I'm still fiddling with the why and the wherefore of the apprehension, but I think part of it is expectations. I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to portraits, but I have these images in my head that the wonderful wedding industry has placed there, the "standard", and I'm afraid of failing, afraid of not living up to the "standard" (which, really... doesn't actually mean anything. The standard, that is.)

Also, that same terror of "I don't want to waste C's time", or "I don't want to be pushing him into something he doesn't want" or "I don't want to make demands of him" or "I don't want to have him around if I can't do this or I do it badly".

He told me I was silly for being apprehensive about him, and that I should know by now that he actually wants to spend time with me. Hah. Yes. I should. But I'm still... scared of pushing too much and driving him away, I guess. Please don't leave me! I love you! See? I don't need anything, I'm totally self-contained, so no effort is required on your part and so you don't have to leave.

Abandonment complex, anyone?

Anyway, C busts that to pieces.

 (Also, and I quote, "It's just a picture. If it's not good, you take another one. If that one's not good, you take another. You have a digital camera! It's note even film! You'll be fine.")

He has a plan. When I'm being "silly", when I'm being apprehensive about things that I already know I shouldn't be apprehensive about, then he is going to bop me with the Squeaky Hammer of Refinement (to get rid of those false ideas). This, of course, is not to be confused with the Stick of Correction, which is reserved for people who are being stupid and need their ideas/course of actions changed, immediately.

By the time we hit the park, my apprehension had significantly decreased (due in large part to laughing over the naming process for the Squeaky Hammer), and as we got into it I ended up having a lot of fun. C was hamming it up for the camera, just as loose and comfortable as you can be. I was the stiff one! What a twist :)

Anyway, we got some good shots, and it was a really fun experience. It reminded me all over again why I'm marrying him. (On my walks at night, I walk around neighborhoods and look at the houses. It fills me with a giddy anticipation to know that C and I are joining our lives, and soon we'll live in a house and be a married couple and... just wow. It feels like this novel thing, like we're the only people who have ever done this before. I know it's not true, but it's still funny how it feels like we're the first people to ever be in love.)

As I was going through and editing the pics, there was a really funny sequence that I just have to share! (These are unedited, but still funny.)

In his defense... he was watching bugs while I worked with the camera.

To get him to smile a "real" smile (rather than a goofy grimace--hamming it up), I told him, "Imagine that you're at Ren Faire, buying another axe!" ...It worked.)

Another "raw" image, one that didn't make it on fb. He said something silly to me right before the shutter went off, so I was trying to figure out how to react.

Oh, yes, did I also mention that I'm engaged now? I mean like, officially officially. As in, he got down on his knees and all that :)

I believe a backstory is called for, yes?

This morning as I was getting ready for school, I went to go put my ring on. Much to my shock, surprise, and dismay... the little white box wasn't where it usually was. Figuring C must have moved it somewhere, I made a mental note to ask him about it later and grabbed my celtic medallion instead.

I was doing work/homework when C got home tonight, but I put it aside and followed him into the bedroom for some quality time/conversation, as I usually do. Amidst playful banter and stories about my professor, I asked him what he had done with my ring. Of course, he pretended to not know what ring I was talking about, or what I was talking about at all! Naturally, I plied him with questions as to why in the world would he hide my ring?!

So, here's the set of the scene-- he's gotten up from the bed where we were nestled cozily and swung himself into his big computer chair, and I'm sprawled across the covers facing him. He won't tell me where it is ("I guess you'll just have to find it!"), but he does crack a few jokes about thinking about being super devious and switching out the ring in the box for a different, older ring (one that doesn't even fit anymore!), about hiding it partially to see how nuts I would go looking for it. He didn't make it hard to find, though. As he swiveled around in his chair, it was plain to see that the little white box was sitting on top of the low bookshelf behind him, blending in with the white wall behind and the white alarm clock next to it.

"I found it!" (In my defense, it was dark in the room this morning. And I had to hit the door or I would be late. No time for a hunt.)

He picked up the little white box, opened the lid, and spent a few moments in quiet contemplation. Then he looked up at me, a funny expression on his face. I couldn't stop the excitement from rising within me as he slid to his knees, stating that he wanted to make it official. He pulled the ring from the box, took my hand, and as he slid the ring on my finger (after I showed him the right hand to put it on lol) said, "I do want to marry you. I love you." He was gazing into my eyes with this super melty, super lovingly intense look.

I replied, "I want to marry you too. I love you."

It's all kind of a blur, really. That's as specific as I can make it, and I'm not even sure I got the right phrases in the right places or the precise sequence of events. It doesn't really matter, I think. I just want to remember the sweetness of the moment, the silly grin on his face and how he was practically giggling at the fact that we're engaged! I was totally silly, too, grinning like a fool and kicking my heels.

Me: Wait, so... you really just proposed to me?
C: I assume so. I'm pretty sure that's what that was.
Me: Squeeeeee! *huge grin*
C: *goofy grin*

C: Now you can show off to all your friends.
Me: ... You know me too well.

C: I'm glad you're back.
Me: Me too.

So why'd he hide my ring? Because he wanted to give it back to me before I "stole" it again! Hah!

He was planning on taking me out to our special lake, "stealing" his dad's boat, and having the guys disguised in the boat with signs. As they went past, he would point the boat out to me, and the guys would be holding signs that said, "MARRY HIM!!!" However, I was out of town this last weekend, and he just couldn't wait, so he did it tonight.

You know what? I'm not disappointed. Not at all. It was so... us. So him. So sweet and simple and just a genuine outpouring of love.

He said that he was waiting until I stopped expecting it. As we all know, that only happened like, a week ago! Hence the "delay".

*Sigh*

I have found the one whom my soul loves. And I guess he liked it 'cause he put a ring on it.

Squeeeeee!