So. Birthday. (I figure that, since I can't sleep due to pain, now is as good a time as any to blog, yes?)

The night before my birthday was, well... not the greatest. I mean, parts of it were, and parts of it weren't, so as a whole, I (being human) tend to let the negative parts influence the positive parts.

C got home from work and realized that he needed to do laundry, and I wasn't doing anything, so we packed on over to his dad's house to throw a load in. We were already going to watch a movie while we waited, but D suggested that we watch Inception, which I had yet to see. We did, and it was a great movie-- very engaging-- but I grew tired about halfway through and could have easily gone to bed. I forced myself to stay awake, however, until the movie was over. By the time we got home, I was already cranky from being tired and hungry, and then C decided that, in order to reset his internal clock, he was going to stay up all night.

That's not a problem, in and of itself, although I do miss his presence in the bed next to me. The problem is that when he decides to stay up, that means that he's going to be playing on the computer. Again, not a problem... except that the computer is on the desk, right next to the bed. There's no where else to put it in this dinky little apartment. It didn't used to be a problem, but as the fibromyalgia and consequent sleep disturbances get worse, the sound of him playing on the computer and the ambient light from his two monitors and his oversized tower keep me awake or wake me up after I've already fallen asleep. He's already stopped playing certain games after I go to bed, because the rapid and constant "clickety clack" of the keys really messes with me. I have an eye mask that I wear to help make it dark enough for me to sleep, but I hate wearing the thing, and it doesn't block out all of the light, so... I've been growing increasingly frustrated.

The night before my birthday, I was grumpy and impatient, and knowing that I'd have to put up with that ambient light all night did not make me very happy. However, I realized that it wasn't fair of me to tell him to turn off his computer, because what else was he going to do the whole night? Instead, I packed up a blanket and a couple of pillows and slept on the couch. Before you go and applaud my humility in seeking a compromise, I should admit that I was not happy about it. I was pretty pissed, to be honest. However, I thought through my anger, accepted it, and let it go. It really wasn't anything worth being angry about, and it was definitely exacerbated by my crankiness. C told me later that he thought about how I was probably pretty unhappy, but there wasn't really any other solution he could come to, so he let it go as well.

I did, however, sleep pretty darn well, if not for as long as I would have liked. We had plans to meet J and B for lunch at a really good sushi place, and I wanted to be all dolled up, but since we had the house inspection right before, I knew I'd have to get all fancy before we even showed up for the inspection. So I got up early to make sure that I would have enough time to get dressed up (including curling my hair and doing my makeup!) and get everything else ready for the day. I did.

We headed out to the house inspection in the midst of a light drizzle. I was pretty happy about the cloudy, rainy day, because it seemed like it had been special ordered just for me! ^_^ Also, having rain during the inspection was great, because it let the inspector see if there were any leaks and how the water settled or ran, etc. It was most advantageous. The inspection itself went well, and there are no dealbreakers, so we'll be continuing to pursue this home. We write up and sign another contract tomorrow, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

After the inspection, we met up with J and B at the sushi place, but not before stopping at Walgreens and picking up a few things for C. The poor guy had come down with a cold the night before (staying up all night didn't help, I'm sure), and it was growing worse by the hour. He was a good sport, though, and enjoyed lunch. J and B hurried to get to the restaurant before we did, and they set up a few little things with the waiters to make my day special. For instance, instead of the usual (but gorgeous!) flower-made-of-carrots garnish on the plate, mine held a purple orchid. I didn't realize that they had ordered it especially for me until after we finished eating, and all the wait staff gathered around our table to sing Happy Birthday to me in a special, hand-clappy version of the song. Even C was smiling, singing, and clapping along! It was adorable :) The also brought me a plate with a serving of the strawberry-mochi ice cream that I love so much, and a scoop of another green ice cream that tasted like chocolate. They had written "Happy Birthday" across the plate in chocolate sauce, which was super cool, and a single candle was stuck into the mochi. I made my wish and blew it out, and then we shared the ice cream. (I got most of it, though.)

I had a massage scheduled that day, courtesy of Miss C as a birthday present, but I had gotten a call early that morning that it was canceled because the practitioner was sick. That was fine, because J and I had wanted to go shopping, and she had to get ready for work at three, so the timing wouldn't have worked otherwise. We split up in the parking lot of the restaurant, and J and I headed to Goodwill. I picked up two dresses and matching purses, one of which is a black purse shaped like a coffin with a shiny pleather bat emblazoned on the front. It's wicked cool. I love it. J found that and the brown clutch that I bought while wandering around, waiting for me to finish trying on dresses. For only having set foot in Goodwill for the first time the night before, she's pretty awesome at Goodwill shopping. The night before she found the armchair-style pillow that I was looking for while I tried on yoga pants.

She dropped me off at my house just in time for her to scoot off and get ready for work, and I changed into comfy clothes and hopped on the computer to deal with my fb wall. C came back and sprawled on the bed for a short rest before they had to head out and move another piece of furniture, and I cuddled up next to him. B came over, and we spent some time just hanging out and talking. They got the call and took off to move the furniture, and I continued to just "hang out". That was pretty much the theme of the rest of the day. C and I were going to watch a movie, but he was so tired and sick that he wound up in bed around 7 pm. Although game night had been canceled in honor of my birthday, a bunch of the guys ended up coming over and hanging out to talk strategy anyway, since there was no movie happening that night. It was fun to just hang out and chat while I surfed the internet for a few hours. I was tired myself and went to bed pretty early.

And that was my birthday. It wasn't the "big deal" that it might have been, were I living somewhere else or with other people, but it was nice. The restaurant thing really made it special, and I made it a point to tell B and J that when I thanked them. It was great to spend time with B and J, because B signed on with the Army last week. He's shipping out the weekend before the wedding, which sucks! He's been wanting to be a witness to/part of the wedding for the last seven years, and he was supposed to be C's best man. I mean, it was a no-brainer. He was the one. (Now C's bro D is the best man, which he's happy about. He was joking about fighting B in the "circle of death" for the privilege when we were first planning the wedding.) Well, J had already decided that she and her son were moving back to T to be with her family when B got into the military, whenever that would be. Now, due to timing, she's moving next week. You know what that means? Not only are C and I losing two very good friends, we're both losing our attendants for the wedding! She was supposed to be my maid of honor, and do my bachelorette party with me, and get a massage and a manicure with me the day before, and help throw my bridal shower, and... we're both really sad that she is going to miss all that. Not to mention the fact that we've become real good friends, and I'm going to miss her a ton. I went over the evening before my bday and hung out on her bed and chatted with her for like, four hours while she packed. She gave me a bunch of stuff as she thinned their possessions out, and she jokes that she did it so that I'll cry and miss her when I see it after she's gone. The worst part is that she's totally right! I will. Neither of us have cried in front of one another about her leaving yet, but I know we'll cry when she leaves. (We've each cried privately, and talked to one another about it, but we have sort of vowed not to cry with each other before she leaves, because we feel that it will only start a downward PTSD/depression spiral, since both of us struggle with that.)

Although C was sick, he was a real trooper while he was awake. S and M took off to the convenience store and a fast food joint before all the other guys got there, so the house was empty for a bit. C took advantage of that rather quickly, and took me into the bedroom to give me my birthday spankings. (Do you realize how many swats 25 is? A heck of a lot!!) That, of course, led to other types of celebrations... after which I put him to bed. I was happy, though. It was just what I wanted ^_^

So, yes. It was a good birthday. Oh, and I got a camera from J! Have I even mentioned that yet?? I think I did... Anyway, I'm super stoked about it. I tried it out last night, and it works beautifully... if I can figure out all those blasted buttons. I'm used to a good ol' point-and-shoot. I'm going to have to learn this camera so I can create some truly beautiful art.

One of the best parts about my birthday was learning that we're going to be moving forward with the house. Walking the rooms with C and deciding where to put things did my heart a world of good... but I've been a little restless since. I'm anxious to feather my nest... once it's actually mine, of course!

Today was a big day. I'm thoroughly exhausted.

Achievement! I fell asleep early and slept through the night, with only one wake-up-and-use-the-bathroom-break. (Usually I have at least 3 or 4). I woke up early, and it was nice. I feel better when I do the early to bed, early to rise thing, so I think I'll be sticking to that more. The only downside is that I see C much less.

We went and saw a house this morning. It's nice, but smaller than we'd prefer, buuuut... considering the price and the neighborhood it's in, it's a steal. The next house for sale in that neighborhood is a full $20,000 more, and prices are still rising! So after careful thought and deliberation, C decided to go for it, and I was totally on board. It's move in ready, and I know we can be quite comfortable there, despite the, uh, coziness. It's not that I was simply giving in to my impatience, either; considering how many crappy listings we have to go through to get a decent one, we need to jump on a good house when we see one. Plus it's already graveled in front like we want, and has a high block wall in the back, which is super important to C. Also, there's some pressure to get locked into a contract before April 1st, because some things are changing in the legislation of how some stuff works (nothing big, don't freak), and it would be better for us to have bought before then. So we signed.

After picking up some sushi for lunch, we headed back home. C has overtime today, though it's usually his day off, but I was headed off to the antique car show. I wanted him to come with me, but alas... he doesn't exactly get to control his schedule. I was already a bit tired by this point, after seeing the house and running errands and doing paperwork all morning, but this car show is only one weekend, and I love going. It's important to me.

So I headed out, walker in tow. I did get a little sunburnt, but that just means that winter is over! Yay! I loved seeing all the various makes and models of cars from throughout the years. I even saw the oldest street legal car in America! It was basically a box with wheels, a stick for steering, and a horn strapped on the side. It had headlights and such, but it didn't even have a windshield! I suppose it doesn't really need one, because it tops out at 35 mph... Still, pretty cool. I believe it was from 1918.

I spent about an hour and a half there, and by the time I was done I was really, really exhausted. I made it home and collapsed into bed with a bowl of applesauce, a glass of juice, a bottle of water, my computer, and my phone. Everything a gal needs :)

I took a very short nap a little later on, and I feel perky enough to pop in a movie and work on some wedding stuff. Some of the guys are over playing video games, and they're so. loud. It's annoying, but I know that I'm just hyper-sensitive right now because of my fatigue. They're really no louder than normal. It's just me. lol. So I've closeted myself away in the room.

Also, I texted our realtor after I woke up, and come to find out... they accepted our offer!! We open escrow on Monday! We're buying a house!

If it all goes smoothly, we should be closing a few days after our honeymoon. So... a month, basically. 5 weeks? Yeah.

It's gonna be a heck of a month! We've already got the inspection scheduled for this coming week. (On my birthday, in fact... Happy birthday! Here's a house! lol)

So it was a good day, despite pain and such. (After my massage yesterday, my legs started aching and aching soooo badly... but fortunately, the heating pad I ordered came in the mail yesterday, so I put it to good use!) It was a big day! A day that shall forever live in infamy! Oh, wait...

I gotta be kinder to myself, more careful.

Even after getting a solid 8 hours of sleep last night (how often has that happened lately? I slept through the whole night!!), I was so exhausted this morning that I was literally falling asleep in the realtor's office as we went over paperwork. Oops.

I made it through, but a nap when I got home was oh-so-welcome.

I realized that this fibro flare has messed me up more than I thought it did or would (it was so unanticipated, but it makes total sense...), and that I've been thinking of my recovery in the wrong terms. I thought of my recovery from the colonoscopy and subsequent flare as kind of a spike-- I'd be low for a day, then I'd go back up to normal levels, right?

Well, in reality, it's more like a slope, a grade. I have to gradually work my way back up to feeling okay, and it's not gonna happen overnight. Problem is, I've been running my days like I'm not diminished at all, which is really only making things worse. *sigh* I'm my own worst enemy, sometimes.

So I'm working on being more mindful of my health and my energy levels-- especially my energy levels. If I completely exhaust my energy resources, it makes it that much harder the next day, and it just snowballs from there. I still struggle with guilt and self-worth, but C told me point-blank the other day that I don't have to justify not doing a lot of stuff every day. It's okay to bum around if I need to.

I love that man. He helps me keep my balance.

On another note, we made an offer on a house this morning! We are looking to hear from the seller by Monday to see if they will accept it, and if they do then the offer will go to their lender, which will take... a while. It's a short sale, meaning that the seller owes more on the house than it's worth, so the bank is the one that decides whether or not to accept the offer, ultimately. We'll see how it goes... but we're keeping our eyes open to see if anything we like as much or better pops up in the meantime. Estimated closing date at this point is April 14th, I think.

The rest of the day has been good. We were at the realtor's early, then we swung by Home Depot, because I delegated the creation of the wax seal to C, and he needed a few parts to make it work. He's really running with it, making it very functional. I was just gonna hot glue a few pieces together and call it good, but the very idea appalled C. He was so passionate in his rebuttal of my plans that I gave him complete control over it, and he's really putting some energy into it. It's really cool to see him working on wedding stuff right alongside me :) Next weekend, he, B, and D will be going to get their tuxes/suits fitted. They would have done it by now, but life's been throwing stuff in the way and it just hasn't happened yet.

After swinging by Subway for some food for C and Starbuck's for a drink for me (what a rare treat!), we headed home to eat. I took a nap, then headed out to the Ren Faire that S is working this weekend. I took a little bit of money with me, but, I mean, come on... it's the Ren Faire! And they accept credit cards? So I spent a little bit of next week's paycheck on a dagger, and some of this week's allowance on a simply gorgeous leather collar with a silver filigree heart dangling from the front and a silver heart shaped padlock on the clasp. I went back to the booth 3 times before I finally decided to go ahead and purchase it! But I knew that it was one of those things that, if I didn't, I'd regret for a really long time.

I must have looked great today, because I got flirted with a lot. The last thing I did was go to this juggling show, and the juggler, A the Bawdy Juggler, was making very sexual jokes the whole time... but I did find them funny. Adult humor, I guess. Anyway, he picked on me a few times while I was in the crowd (along with other folks), but he pulled me up on stage for the last act. It was fun and funny, but he was very sexual in his humor and was making some pretty bold advances, so I kept him in his place. I'd elbow him in the ribs or slap his hand if he got too fresh, and I made a few verbal jabs of my own. It was sweet of him, though, to ask if I was doing okay, because I had been sitting on my walker (no way was I gonna walk around for several hours without it, not the way I've been feeling lately!!), and he wanted to make sure I could stand for that long. Periodically while I was up there he would ask in an aside voice if I was doing alright. I knew what he meant, and told him I was fine.

A few months ago, I would have been so embarrassed and horrified by the situation and the adult humor, but considering my recent "uninhibiting", I did just fine. I blushed a few times, because let's face it-- some things are private and just not funny. But for the most part I enjoyed myself. Plus, let's be honest... it was flattering :) After the show I had several people from the audience approach me and tell me how much funnier it was with my involvement, and that I did a good job. I'm going to laugh so hard if I get stopped in, like, Walmart or something by someone who saw the show!

I leave for Id in a few days. I realized it with a jolt today, because it's come up so fast! I need to create packing lists, and prepare my food for travel. It's going to be so good to see my family again...

I will have to tone myself down and bind myself back in some ways, though, and I don't mind. Out of respect for their lifestyle, the values they hold, and the way they are trying to raise K, I don't mind getting rid of a few things temporarily for the sake of those I love. The jewelry will go, of course (though there's not much I can do about the piercings-- the lobes have to stay in, and my cartilage will close if I leave it out too long... but they're simple, inoffensive little silver studs. They don't attract much attention... I hope.), and I'll be watching my language as I've become more casual in my use of expletives. I don't mind going to church with them at all, nor joining in family prayer or any other spiritual activities.

I can mold myself to fit in more, and I don't mind. First of all, this is my family, and I value their long-term health and wellness as a family unit as well as individuals. Would I risk the possibility of strife and discord after I'm gone just so I can be free to express myself? Hardly! I don't need jewelry, and I can go without it. Not a big deal. Also, it's short term. I'm only up there for a few days. So not a big deal for me to go with their grain while I'm with them.

I do need to start preparing, though... I'd put it away, figuring I'd get ready when the time came upon me. Well, it's upon me, soooo...

I'm excited! Yet, at the same time, not... because I know it's gonna be a hard trip, both emotionally and physically (there's no way I'm gonna be up to "normal" in just two days, so I'll still be diminished physically, and also the reason behind my trip is just so sad...

Well, yours truly is the possessor of one healthy colon!

Yeah, I'll admit, it was a bit of a shock, considering what troubles I have with my digestive system! (I suppose this means that an upper endoscopy is coming down the line... I wonder what that's like???)

Anyway, the intestinal mucosa was normal, no signs of inflammation, colitis, hemorrhoids, polyps, blockages, or anything.

The last colonoscopy I got was in summer 2008 (July 16th, to be exact, because it was my sister's bday and she spent it with me! What a sweetie ^_^), and it showed mild colitis and internal hemorrhoids.

You know what this means?

This means that all the agony and super big pain in the butt of avoiding my allergic foods actually means something-- my colon has healed itself! By taking out all the damaging elements, my body actually healed itself.

Oh, you have no idea how much hope that gives me... as well as encouragement to stay the course and stick to my strict diet. Now that I know it actually makes a difference, well... I actually kinda want to be strict. I want to cheat less, not that I have been. C is a great accountability partner :)

The process for getting ready for the colonoscopy? Not so encouraging. I already talked about how I spun into a big-time flare thanks to having to deal with a couple of major triggers. Besides just the fibro, my system gets really out of whack if I don't eat when I'm hungry, and that's been the case for about as long as I can remember. Like, I physically get ill and experience intense pain if I allow myself to get too far past "hungry".

Well, I was there last night to be sure, but many, many mugs of warm tea seemed to help... but that, combined with the residual air left in my colon from the examination had me in literally excruciating pain as we left the realtor's office this morning. I was doubled over on the way to the truck, and C was helping me hobble along. Once I got in, all I could do was fold myself in half, clench my fists and grind them into the seat while I sobbed and gasped for air. You know that scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst pain you've ever experienced? It was a 10.5, maybe an 11. It ebbed and flowed, finally subsided about 45 minutes later, though I wasn't crying through the whole thing. It dropped down to like an 8, which is bearable, and I made it home to lay down.

C was so sweet during the whole thing. (What was happening was that my system built up a lot of gas as a response to being forced to be empty, and then eating triggered it to go through my guts. That happens sometimes, and it's agonizing. That, combined with the air that was already in there, was stretching my colon beyond its limits. Do you know how many nerve endings your colon has? Like, a ton! lol) He helped me make my way slowly to the car, he rubbed my back while I was doubled over and crying, asked if I had anything I could take when I got home (I'd already taken a tramadol 1/2 hour previously, so the answer was no) and then he had his hand in front of me as he drove so as to keep me from needlessly jostling forward and backward. (You know, like when you slam on the brakes and you put your arm out in front of the passenger to protect them? Like that.) He was careful to stop slowly, to take dips slowly... just being very considerate. He helped me inside as well, and got me laying down. He did say, "There's nothing I can do for you, lady," to which I replied, "I know, but just knowing that you care makes a big difference. I really appreciate it. You're so sweet." He made sure I was all tucked in and comfy before he left for work, as I hadn't slept the night before and really, really needed to.

I know he feels very helpless when I'm in large amounts of pain, which I totally get. While I was home and Mom and I got so sick, I felt so very helpless as she wept in pain and could barely move to get herself up off the couch and to the hospital... Come to think of it, I looked a lot today like she did then. And, I mean... what can you do, really? Nothing. Nothing but go about your daily life and hope they feel better. So C feels helpless, but I make it a point to assure him that his gestures of caring mean a great deal. While they may not take away the pain, they make it a little more bearable.

So we saw a realtor today! She sent us a list of houses within our price range, though we still have to get pre-approved for a loan. She pointed us to a very reputable lender that may help our chances of getting a good home, even going so far as to call her while we were there and leave a voicemail when we learned that she was with a client. The lender was very prompt in returning our call, as we got the call literally right after we left the realtor's office! lol. Anyway, we gave her basic application info over the phone, and we go in to get pre-approved tomorrow morning. C is determined to really pursue this, which I am ecstatic about. I'd gotten so used to waiting for him to pull together the necessary resources that such a fast pace is a little shocking to me, but... I'm so stoked!