That's right-- I pierced my nose! Did it last Tuesday while in Wisconsin. And I got the next set of lobe piercings. Eventually I want to be pierced all the way up to the top of the ear, but that'll take time. I have to baby my nose ring, because I'm so prone to infection and it is catching a slight infection, but I'm not worried. I'm treating it real good.

I have so much to write about, but I need to fall asleep about 2 hours ago, as I'm working the final day of this season's gun show in a few short hours. Buenas nachos, all. Just wanted to commemorate my bad-assery. ^_^

(image found at http://xkcd.com/137/)

There's been some stuff that I've been wanting to write about lately, but I've held myself back because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of rejection, afraid of judgment, afraid that I might offend those readers whom I call friends so deeply that they will turn away and never come back. I've been toying with the idea of writing it anyway, because really, this is my space to be free and be myself without judgment, and the moment I censor myself because of some imagined consequences at the hands of probable judges, well… I might as well just stop writing altogether.

I do know that some of the things I have to write will be unsavory for certain members of the conservative Christian crowd that I used to run with, and that's fine. Different strokes for different folks, you know? But it's the thought of those conservatives that fills me with such dread, as I know that such a community can be rather… unforgiving in nature, and I don't want to bring that kind of wrath down upon myself. I also don't want to make myself the target of some kind of evangelistic campaign designed to "win me back to the truth" or "bring me to the light" somehow. The choices that I've made have been very deliberate and thoughtful, not hasty compromises made in the throes of passion or despair. 

I don't feel like I'm being true to myself, editing out important bits of my life and personality this way. With this in mind, I have decided to write. Stumbling upon this cartoon earlier this evening just underscored my conviction and reinforced my thoughts. I still wish to take the convictions and repugnances of others into consideration, however, such as the toning down of the language that I often use, substituting swear words and epithets for other phrases. My plan is to speak in broad strokes about what I wish, and if I feel the need to go into detail I'll save it for a separate post, so readers can decide if they want to read that particular entry or not.

Why all this hesitation, all this caution, you ask? To put it simply, I'm an active member of the BDSM culture and community where I live, and I apply the kinks and fetishes I am interested in to my lifestyle on a regular basis. No, Corey and I aren't having sex on a very regular basis anymore, simply due to illness constraints and stress problems, but I can say in all honesty that kink isn't just about sex. That is, it doesn't have to be. It can be, or it can be completely removed from lust and intercourse. You really have to be involved to understand. But yes-- I like leather and lashes and corsets and ropes. All of that good old taboo stuff. There is a huge wide world of kink and fetishes within BDSM, of course. There's no way one could possibly be interested in or involved in everything. What I appreciate most about the culture is its emphasis on Safe, Sane, and Consensual, or alternately phrased, Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

What I would ask is that anyone who is finding themselves repulsed or immediately huffy and judgmental, do some research. There are a million and one websites that explain the basics and the theory without being pornographic, and who knows but that the information may prove of use in the future? Just because a person looks "vanilla" (not involved with kink) doesn't mean they are. Most of us keep up a very good front, afraid to come out of the closet for fear of losing jobs, friends, family relationships… There is a lot of stigma, and a lot of misinformation. That's part of the reason why I want to be open and honest about this; to dislodge and refute stereotypes and negative associations.

The reason I bring this up at all is because it's how I celebrated my birthday. The group in Yuma that I'm a part of has monthly "munches", which are vanilla gatherings where we get together and eat, hang out, and just generally have a fun time together. We also have monthly play parties where we get together and do just what the name implies-- we play, as groups, couples, or individuals. I've attended several parties but I've never had the opportunity to engage in any play before, as one of the rules imposed on me is that I'm not allowed to play unless Drogo is in attendance and gives me permission. His days off were changed to include the day the play party was held, and he came with and gave me permission to engage in some play. He said, "It's your birthday; go have some fun," all indulgent-like. It was cute. I was ecstatic. But I will write a separate post about the party and how it went, what I did, etc. for anyone who wishes to read it. Most of the time, at that party and at all the others, my time is spent hanging out with a plate of food and chatting with my friends. Just like any other party. We really are like any other people, except that our mutual hobbies are considered alternative, or even "bad". (Hence the secrecy.)

Another thing I've been wanting to write about but holding back on is my spiritual journey. If you've read some stuff from the early days of my blog, you may know that I was struggling along in a particularly conservative branch of Protestantism known as Seventh Day Adventist. I have absolutely nothing against the Adventist church, as I was essentially born and raised SDA and have a great number of fond memories throughout my life associated with it. A large amount of the people I hold near and dear to my heart are active SDA members, and I spent 3 or 4 years working as a missionary for the church here in the States. That being said, some of the attitudes and actions of members and leaders in the church really damaged me in profound ways, and some of the beliefs held by the church and by the members crippled me in ways that have been difficult to undo.

After moving back to the Southwest from the Northwest, where I lived for several years, I engaged in about a year and a half of study as to whether the basic tenets of Christianity and the authenticity of the Bible were real concepts that I could trust and build my belief system upon. I didn't find it to be so. When I stopped trying to make Christianity my worldview, life started making more sense. I began recovering from the depression that gripped me with suicidal force and pulled me into a blackness so thick that I could feel nothing else, nothing but crushing despair and agony. I laugh a little bitterly to myself when I think that I have a "reverse testimony"; that is, I'm the opposite of the people that stand up and tell how they were tormented and miserable and did all kinds of things and couldn't find happiness or true satisfaction in life until they "found Jesus", and once they became Christians and got saved then they had happiness and peace and life made sense for the first time. For me, I was tormented and miserable and couldn't find happiness or true satisfaction until I walked away from Christianity. Finally, finally, for what seemed the first time in my life, I had peace. I was happy. And I felt guilty, because from infancy up I had been taught that the SDA church had "the Truth", and if I walked away from that I would be lost forever. I worried that maybe it actually was true, and I was going to be lost for walking away… but I couldn't bring myself to go back, to resign myself to a life of such deep unhappiness and emptiness. Not now that I'd finally started liking who I was, seeing worth in myself and seeing beauty in the life around me and before me.

I've come to the place over these past 2 years where I will now call myself an agnostic atheist. My belief is that deities are the creations of mankind, a projection, a metaphor, something we need to survive mentally and emotionally as beings of higher intelligence. Don't quiz me on facts and details-- I'm still figuring all this out, and I was never a good apologeticist, no matter what side of things I stood on. I've always had leanings toward paganism, though-- Wicca or NeoPaganism and all that, or maybe some of the New Age beliefs. As I've been doing research lately, though, I have found that even Wicca is too "religious" for me. Again, I don't believe in actual, literal deities, and Wicca calls upon the God and the Goddess as literal beings. No, I'm more interested in earth based religions that acknowledge the energy and the life forces in the world around us, in the universe we reside in, and that seeks to reach out and redirect those forces with my own will. I think that the rituals have some kind of scientific effect that we don't understand yet, and so the results are attributed to "magick". A great deal of what is done now, without a second thought, could and likely would have been labeled magick a few centuries ago, much less thousands of years ago. If you went back to 12 A.D. and had a Bic lighter in your hand, do you think the people around you would recognize the interaction of friction and heat and fuel? Nope. You'd be a wizard, a sorcerer, a speaker for the gods.

Anyway, that's where I'm at now. I feel a large sense of relief to have written all that, but I also feel a nervous quivering throughout me as I contemplate pressing the "Publish" button. What if I lose my friends? What if my bestie doesn't wanna be my bestie anymore? *sigh* But then I guess… this part of me is still there, whether I speak about it or not. If I lose friends or family or whatever over this, well… them only accepting part of me isn't enough. That's not real acceptance, nor is it real love. It's just a test I must brave, I suppose.

That in mind… there's no way I'd ever reveal any of this to my grandparents, though. My grampa and I recently got into a very heated disagreement regarding Adventists who keep the Old Testament feasts. I know several people who do, and did myself at one point in time. My point was that they are living up to what they believe is what God wants them to do. Grampa got angry because they're WRONG, doesn't matter if they believe they're right or not, and they need to give up their sin and come back to the truth of God, yadda yadda yadda. He came to me and apologized afterward, admitting that he was being very closed-minded and cruel and it wasn't okay. I appreciated that very much. But if I were ever to tell him that I'm a pagan atheist BDSMer who is heteroflexible? Yeah. He'd probably never speak to me again. I've noticed that as people age they tend to become very inflexible, closed, and narrow minded. Their way or the high way, you know? Maybe it's just older Christians, or older Adventists in particular. I mean, they've spent so long having the idea pounded into them that only SDA's have the Truth, everyone else is wrong, and that a good SDA will tell them they're wrong so that they're not eternally lost. Otherwise it's on your head if they're "lost" and you didn't tell 'em, you know? Just another reason I left. I was sick of the gut sickening feeling I'd get when I walked into a grocery store or a gas station and felt like had to pass out tracts and witness or else I wasn't living up to my commitment as a Christian, and that maybe I'd let an opportunity pass that was the person's last. You know, like they'd die in a car accident right afterward on their way home or something. I hated that pressure. I still exult in my freedom as I walk into the grocery store and know that I don't have to interact with a single damn person if I don't want to, and usually I don't.

As my friend and I were discussing earlier, things change and people change right along with them. I am a very different person than I was just a year ago, or even a few months for that matter! I feel like springtime, like a bud poised on the edge of blooming at any second, like I'm finally growing after a season of being stumped and stunted and I'm coming into my potential at last. It's a great feeling. I'm learning and expanding in so many ways, and I just want to keep going. Everything inside me feels clean and happy, despite being sick, despite my life having taken such a drastic left turn. No, things aren't perfect, and there's still stress on me and in our household due to various things (bills, illness, general relationship stuff that happens to everyone), but I know that I'm already a richly developed woman and that the trend will continue. Honestly? I feel like I'm my own friend for the first time, and I'm actually glad to know me. I'm proud of myself. Isn't that the craziest thing?

Here's the summary of my weekend that I posted in various forums and places on Facebook this weekend:

"My home has been invaded by long-distance cleaning fairies. They came over to see me and Drogo and to thoroughly clean our house and give me a massage. Basically? I cried at the incredible outpouring of love and care and consideration, and now I'm sitting here eating grapes, listening to Def Leppard, watching them clean and dance and be silly, and watch my husband assist/fetch cleaning supplies/be shooed out from underfoot. (I'm not allowed to help.) feeling overwhelmed by love with Lacey and 2 others.

So they just left… but three friends of mine conspired with my husband to show up and clean my house for me. They are from several hours away and were going to be coming to town for other reasons, so they were going to come and see us *anyway* to say hello, so they figured they'd just take care of me while they were at it  One of them, who I actually met for the first time yesterday, is a licensed massage therapist that has worked with fibro patients previously, and she gave me a foot massage yesterday and a back massage today. They did the dishes that I've been too sick to do for three weeks (yeah, ALL my dishes have been dirty for three weeks-- gross!), and I didn't realize how dirty my house had actually gotten until they cleaned it! One of them took nearly an hour to soak and nitty gritty scrub my bathtub so I could soak in super duper cleanliness, bless her heart.

I did what I could to express my thanks (beyond crying when I comprehended what they were here for when they showed up yesterday, of course!) so I made them little gift baskets last night and wrote them thank you cards with their names in hand-lettered calligraphy on the front and stamped wax seals on the envelope flaps. (Wish I'd thought to take pictures. Oh well.) They were so pleased! You'd have thought I'd given them the moon  The lesson I learned from both giving and receiving this weekend is that while it pays to give, it also pays to receive graciously and with humility and pure gratitude. It meant a LOT to those girls to be able to do something so obviously meaningful for me, even with no apparent reward anywhere in their future beyond my and Drogo's gratitude."

Yes, I cried when they revealed their intent. And I TOTALLY guessed who was mysteriously coming over! Drogo was having a prolonged text conversation and sporadic phone calls and wouldn't tell me who was coming over and I was like, "Is it Lacey?" (she lives hours away and we rarely get to see her) and he was like, "Why would it be Lacey?" Literally minutes later a knock sounds at the door and in walks Lacey. I knew it!!!!! And when they told me that they were there to clean the house and that the new friend was there to massage me, too… I just broke down. I still burst into tears when I look around and see the cleanliness of my house. My heart just cannot hold that much love! Dani, Lacey's girlfriend, scrubbed and soaked and scrubbed and scrubbed my bathtub and shower until it sparkles and gleams because she knows that I soak in it a lot. 

See, I had sent out a plea on Facebook the other day, giving up my pride and just asking for help from my friends because I can't do this anymore. My pain levels are too high and I'm too sick and I just can't make life work all by myself anymore and I need help! I had dishes in the sink that had been there going on three weeks, and I was too weak to wash them. I was/am too weak to cook myself food, so I'm relying on easy-make foods like sandwiches, cereal, fruit, yogurt, certain veggies, etc. For various reasons, people were unable to come to my rescue, but these ladies began plotting and subsequently Facebook stalking me to make sure that no one else stepped in to do the job they intended to do, which no one did. So they bought all manner of cleaning supplies and brought grungy shirts and braved the dust and the mold and the kitty dander to which they are all allergic, and my home is so lovely and bright and inhabitable now, it just brings a smile to my face when I hobble through :)

I wanted to "pay it forward" somehow, desperately, to give something back somehow, so I put together little gift packages for each one of them that night after they left. (We went out to dinner together, too, so that was fun. Fortunately, due to some extra pain killers headed my way via an anonymous source the day before, I had my best day this entire month, no exaggeration, and I was able to be up and about with them in a halfheartedly normal manner.) They opened their gifts and read their cards while they were visiting with me this afternoon before they left to go home and I couldn't believe their heartfelt appreciation over something so small. I mean, they had given me something so incredibly heartwarming and valuable… I felt as though my return gesture of appreciation was so feeble and faltering in comparison! But it was not so to them, and that is what matters.

The amazing thing is that just the gratitude that I had for the gift they gave me of their time and effort and taking care of something that I was not capable of doing on my own was enough for them. That was all they expected to receive, and it was more than enough for them. It meant so much to me, what they did, maybe more than they will ever understand. To go from being an active achiever, someone who "gets things done" to being unable to do your own dishes is… well, it's humiliating. You begin to question your own worth as a person, as a wife. What is the point of even keeping me around, you wonder. Why does my husband want me here? All I can do is sleep and generate mess. But these girls… they came in and gave me a fresh start. I can maintain the cleanliness, to a degree. When I use a dish, I clean it right away so it doesn't build up. They laughed with me and cracked jokes and told stories and, most of all, reaffirmed my worth as a person. They wanted to spend time with me. They came all this way for me. They wanted to do this for me, of their own free will. They went out of their way and went to trouble for me because I am of value. It cheered me up to an unspeakable degree. It's hard to explain.

As a side note, I also found a bit of usefulness as a chronic illness advocate as well. The massage therapist, Meli, has worked with fibro patients in the past but doesn't know much about the illness itself. Her mother deals with many chronic illnesses but is, as Meli describes it, a hypochondriac. She is the negative stereotype of chronic illness patients embodied, the type where they say "it's all in your head" and it's kinda mostly true. That's unfortunate, but that's kind of the place where she has had to base her knowledge and dealings from, because that's all she really knows of chronic illness. During her time with me, she asked me questions and I answered as best I could, and of course she saw me deal with everyday life in my fashion. In addition to that I mentioned something about spoons, which lead to my reading her The Spoon Theory by Christine Miserandino, which is like the American Constitution for chronic illness patients lol.

Well what is really neat is that today she told me that I have really changed her perspective on chronic illness, enlightened her, so to speak, and I feel much like how I used to when I worked with The Healing Journey and did advocacy for abuse survivors. This illness has taken so very much from me, and I suppose you could even say it has ruined my life. At this point, that could be a very accurate statement, though in the future that may no longer apply. (Fingers crossed!) However, as with the negative things that stem from abuse, I've managed to turn those potential life-ruiners into positives by using them to inform and educate others and advocate for rights, change, research, healing; whatever is necessary at that time. I'm a badass, man. Life can't keep me down, no matter how hard it tries! I'm just super grateful that I have helped Meli to understand fibromyalgia and chronic illnesses better, because as a massage therapist and a health practitioner, she has the potential to affect many lives in the future. By affecting her point of view, I have theoretically changed dozens, if not more, of lives of people that I will probably never meet. Crazy, right? All by simply being my awesome self and being honest yet upbeat about my struggles and health problems.

Things are looking up. I may not necessarily be on the mend (if this month is any indication, because it has been hell), but I can still be a positive force in the world even from within my prison of pain and other various symptoms. Watch out, world!

On another, slightly more humorous/bitter note, I made something for my new pain doc. I think she'll get a kick out of it. We hit it off pretty well, and she seems to have a sense of humor much like mine, though I would not dare to pull this on any of my other doctors. They'd make me pay in one way or another… but I figure this will emphasize the truth of my statement that this month has been the. worst. month. of my fibro. ever. EVER. (ever.) (The date is set for my next appointment. I'm fairly confident that the pain won't be going anywhere before then, soooo…)

…I spent the afternoon/evening with a friend of undisclosed name drinking wine coolers (and rum, they had rum mostly) and watching movies.

I regret nothing.

In fact, I feel happier and more relaxed than I have in a while. And especially after the day I had yesterday? It is a huge relief. Enough to make me want to drink again, and soon… which the Dragon does not approve of. lol. Of course, I'll honor his wishes… probably. Sorta.

But man… I feel… relaxed. Happy. Sleepy. I like this "drinking thing" when I do it right and don't make myself sick. I didn't even get drunk. I just got… happy.

It was nice to feel happy again.

Ren faire!!! Well, the little local one, anyway. My friend K devised an ingenious footrest/sling for the Chariot so that I was able to sit and be pushed around by C most of the time. Despite that, I am very much paying for my outing today, but you know what? I totally don't care! It was worth it.

It was so nice to get out of the house, and I'd hoarded pain pills against this day. I also didn't use them all, so I should (hopefully) have enough to get me through to my pain appointment tomorrow, but only just. I'm trying to spend most of the time in a drugged sleep, surfacing only long enough to pack and prepare for my appointment. I know I'm overdosing on stuff that I'm not supposed to be overdosing, but it's either that or stay awake with the pain and let it feed on itself… which means that it'll take more pills than I have to break the pain cycle. Sometimes, though, I get this nice little buzz, a cozy sort of warm fuzziness, off of the sleeping meds (depending on circumstances, how much I've taken, how much is still in my system, etc.) and it feels good. That in and of itself kind of scares me, but it's nice to feel something other than pain for a change. As of right now, I can feel the last batch I took (about half an hour ago) starting to kick in. My intense headache is being muffled, my eyes are getting kinda heavy, and I just feel a little… fuzzy. And slightly dizzy. But mostly fuzzy.

Want to see pictures of the foot sling? Check it out-- kickboxing wraps for the straps, a couple of carabiners, and a wire shelf that looks suspiciously like a baking rack.

Also, the urge struck me (and I had hours to kill while C was sleeping), so I took the time to do my makeup today. I have some eyeshadow tutorials on Pinterest that I used as an inspiration, since I pretty much have no idea what I'm doing, but I think it came out well. I just hate putting on makeup because it takes so much effort to take it off again! Wish I'd gotten a picture of me in garb as well, but I didn't think of it… so here's me in my pajamas! lol

Today, I felt like a normal person.

Not that I didn't feel sick; that's just silly. But the activities of the day had me reminiscing of a time when I thought nothing of going out for an evening with C, whereas now it's become a special treat.

It started this morning/afternoon, when I opened the door to let Juneaux into the bedroom to wake up C, and he rolled over and gestured to me while mumbling, "Come here, woman." I lay down with him and cuddled up close, and we dozed comfortably for a time. Then the dozing turned to nuzzling and kissing, which of course led to other more "adult" activities. (I love being married with a house of our own. It's nice to just jump each other whenever we want.) C jumped on the computer to finish the daily missions for Guild Wars 2 and I ate lunch while reading through a favorite book. C was still working on his dailies when I was done eating, so I went down for a nap.

When he was done, he came and got me and I pulled my supplies together for our evening errands and planned fun. We went to see Ender's Game! We've both read the book and love sci-fi, so we've been eager to see the movie adaptation... as wary as I am of movie adaptations of books. I was pleasantly surprised, though. I think they did a good job. We both wished that they had more time, though, because it just felt very abbreviated in many places. It was good, but I don't think it does the book justice. Not like The Hunger Games did. Anyway, we watched the movie and then went for a walk around the mall afterward. The air was surprisingly warm, yet with a hint of coolness that reminded me that fall is upon us. We stopped in a game store and an electronics store to browse a bit, then swung by the pharmacy on the way home to pick up one of my scripts, fill up my water jugs, and grab some more lavender bath salts for me. There is a bookstore just down the row from my pharmacy, so C suggested we go in and look around, and I readily agreed. I popped into the coffee shop and got a caramel macchiato, and it turned out to be happy hour so I got another coffee drink for free! I picked out a cafe latte with a shot of hazelnut syrup, meaning to save it for tomorrow, but I ended up drinking them both while we browsed together.

I had been thinking lately about a particular person that I worked with at the beginning of my judicial process after disclosing my sexual abuse, Detective M. I thought I might see her at the Vigil, and I did see someone that looked similar to her, but she did not show. Imagine my surprise when I turned into an aisle of the bookstore and found her standing there! We had a nice little chat, and we met each other's husbands. She is really happy that I'm working with E and that the HJ is doing so well. She explained that she deals with enough of the darkness of abuse without dealing with the aftermath of the emotions, which is why she avoids the vigils and extracurricular stuff, which I totally understand. I was happy to have run into her. She's a very pleasant person, and I like her.

After leaving the bookstore, we stopped by the library on the way home so that I could return a few books and movies, then headed home. C was playing one of my favorite cd's on the radio and I was singing along. We held hands while he drove, as we are wont to do. I thanked him for the evening several times, because it was just so... normal. I felt like a "real" person again, out for a low-key evening of enjoyment with my husband. It was like the kind of dates that we used to go on, and it was even sort of spur of the moment, a rarity these days.

Tomorrow I have plans as well. We're going to be continuing our Pathfinder campaign, of course, but then another of my friends and I are going to dress up in costume and visit a local bar that's having a post-Halloween fling. Neither of us drink, really, but we're looking forward to dressing up and going out. (Actually, I can't drink, 'cause of the meds.) We won't be out long, I'm sure, but it'll be a fun experience. I've never gone out to a bar with friends before, so this'll be a new experience. I plan to go as a beauty pageant queen, especially because the dress I have for that requires no bra! That's a major win in my book.

I've had some disappointments lately in trying to make new friends, and I've been quite lonely. I don't want to hang out with everyone that I know, as some people are just not good company or they're energy drainers or I just don't want to be around them for a length of time for one reason or another. My efforts to make new friends, though, have been falling flat on their faces. I was flat out called offensive and told goodbye by a girl that I was trying to set up a first meeting with. Another girl and I connected really well and talked practically nonstop via email and text for a week before meeting up for dinner, which went well, I thought. After that, though, she just stopped responding to my texts and emails, and I don't know what the heck happened. Another girl that I was supposed to meet up with stopped returning my emails, as well as one who was just looking for an email buddy. All this within a few weeks, and to be honest... it was hurtful and bewildering. I felt so rejected and unlikeable... so I said as much on facebook. I got an overwhelming show of confidence from friends near and far, and some of my friends/acquaintances here in Y are trying to help alleviate my loneliness. Hence the bar tomorrow night. Unfortunately, some of those people that are taking it upon themselves to alleviate my loneliness are people that I don't actually want to hang out with for the reasons stated above... but I really see no way out of it, since I stated my loneliness quite clearly and publicly. I can't just turn around and say, "Yeah, well, I don't really want to hang out with you!", can I? It feels extremely rude to turn them down. So... yeah. Got myself into a little of a pickle there.

Regardless, I thoroughly enjoyed today's activities, and I'm savoring the fact that I actually have plans with a friend tomorrow! It just feels so... normal. So blessedly, blissfully normal.

Yeah, I know I'm going to pay for this weekend in no small way (I'm already really feeling it from our outing this evening), but in my mind it's totally worth it. Totally. I wish I didn't have to pay a price to engage in the semblance of a social life, but it is what it is. I'll embrace the joy and survive the fallout, as always.

I saw the neurologist today. While he is more skeptical of fibromyalgia than I'd like (it has no objective test to prove its presence in a person), he seems to know what he's talking about when it comes to other things. In addition, he's friendly and laughs easily, so I will stick with him, at least for now.

When I told him about the twitchies, he immediately began asking questions. He feels that many of the things wrong with me are puzzle pieces, including the fibromyalgia. Indeed, there are several diseases that fibromyalgia mimics the symptoms of, so in reality I could not have fibro at all, but some other disease. Isn't that interesting? So I'll be getting an MRI, an EEG, and some electrical testing in the next few weeks, to see what's going on with my nervous system. Honestly, there are several suspects that we are trying to see if we can rule out, and MS is one of them. Many of the symptoms of MS are the same as fibro, and the twitchies are definitely of a neurological origin, so it's a suspect until we rule it out. Lupus is another. Basically, we're looking at autoimmune causes it seems, although he agrees with me that the big accident back in '06 may actually have something to do with my nervous system dysfunctions.

Other than that, life's been pretty calm. I've had a few more instances of grieving D, but I know it's normal and healthy, so I just go with it and cry it out. C will often hold me while I cry, which is nice.

Have I mentioned lately that I love being married? The more time passes, the more love I am filled with for C, and the more gratitude wells up and overwhelms me. I am so grateful that I chose this path for my life. I am filled with more satisfaction and happiness than I have ever had in my life. My time in Id was very fulfilling, and comes a close second, but the work I was doing to heal from my past adds an element of discord and instability that is lacking in my current life. I have stability, for the first time in my life. Real, honest to goodness stability. I have C to thank for that. He is a Mr. Steady, that's for sure, and he works so hard to make sure that all of our ends meet. I know I can trust him and rely on him to care for me... and our children, eventually. I love that man, more than I thought I was capable of, and it's clear that he loves me as well. Life is good. Loving and being loved, despite whatever financial difficulties we are having... everything else pales in comparison. I am basking in the glow of knowing that I have my own little home, a place that will always be here for me. That doesn't mean that I don't still get restless and have the urge to go on an adventure, but the adventure is sweeter knowing that home is waiting. A real home. My home.

I see the pain specialist tomorrow, and I hope that he can help me. The patch took a few days for the medicine to build up in my system, and it's helping a little, but I'm still quite reliant on painkillers. I feel less shame about using them now, less guilt for taking them. I don't really understand why I feel as though I need to prove myself by enduring large amounts of pain, but I'm realizing that it's pretty silly. If I'm hurting and have the means to lower that pain, why shouldn't I? I would want anyone else to do the same. I do tend to treat myself much more harshly (and abusively) than I would ever treat someone else, but I'm working on overcoming that. I'm still learning how to be kind to myself. It's a long process, but one that is proving worthwhile. I think it's contributing to my satisfaction and joy in life. C is wonderful, but he is not and cannot be my everything. It would be unhealthy for me to expect that. I need to find my own joy and satisfaction outside of him and our relationship, although he does bring me much joy and satisfaction. That's why I'm grateful that I can still work some. It does a lot for my spirit to know that not only am I still somewhat self-reliant, but I am helping others. It's been hard, this loss of independence and control over my life... but I still have some measures of self-reliance left, and I cling to them.

Now I'm just rambling. I ran out of the effective painkillers my rheumatologist gave me to tide me over, so I had to take a large dose of two other painkillers that I still have. It worked, and I feel very relaxed and happy, which I love. I can see how easy it would be to become a prescription pain killer abuser, but that is something that I do not want. That contributes partially to my guilt over pain meds. I'm afraid that by enjoying the relief from pain and the mild euphoria that the drugs sometimes bring, I am choosing the path of the drug abuser. I know that's not the case, but enjoying the effects of the pain killers frightens me in a way. The weather has been forcing me to take more pain killers than I would normally (the barometric pressure is all over the place!), but I have other, more active ways to relieve the pain as well. C claims that I'm going to kill him with wanting sex so much, but it's just a natural part of who I am. I think he secretly enjoys the fact that I want him so much. In fact, I know he does. He pretends to hold out because he likes to watch me try to convince him to "give me a dose of painkillers". I found that little tidbit out last night, and I pretended offense, but I find it just as fun as he does to try to convince him, so the game will go on.

Summary: getting the medical help I need, despite our financial hardships. (Payment plans FTW!) Life is good. I love my husband, and I love being married. Took some meds, I feel good, and I borrowed some books from the library so I've been reading like crazy lately. I've been more fatigued than usual, so it's a good past-time.

Well, I done did it. I got weddinged yesterday!

We spent the night in a REALLY nice hotel room, and I'm glad. It was nice to basically just collapse, and the bed was super, super comfy. It was a good sleep, and I'm grateful.

I'll post more about the wedding and the getting ready for it and all that later.

Now? I'm basically totally lacking motivation and/or... motivation. lol. Really though, this past week took it out of me in a big way, especially the last few days. My brain was totally gone by yesterday.

Plus, tonight is the last night my family is in town, so I'm gonna chill with them for a while.

My husband (!) will probably just stay at home and play Starcraft-- his version of vegging and recuperating. To each their own...

Today is usually my busiest day of the week to begin with, so I'm a little apprehensive as to whether I'll make it through in decent form...

Yesterday was an open day-- work canceled, nothing else planned but group-- yet I was flat on my back with pain, fatigue, and nausea by 7:30. I had to leave group early, and the pain was so bad throughout the evening that by bedtime that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to sleep. I slept like a log, though, thank goodness!

Yesterday was a tough pain day. I took more pain killers than usual, and was contemplating taking more at bedtime when the pain was so bad.

But today... today we're meeting with the mortgage company to discuss our options for buying the house (since all that went to hell in a handbasket rather quickly, through no fault of ours), I've got two classes and work today, and then... and then...

My family arrives tonight!!!

Yes, that I'm excited about :D I love my family dearly, so it's been hard to only see them once a year.

When they arrive, they'll be heading over to BJ and F's house to see them before they leave early tomorrow morning for M.

Yes, today is going to be a loooooong day... but so worth it.

Tomorrow, I've got my 2nd acupunture appointment, C and I meet with the officiant, and I'll definitely be hanging out with the family. Oh, and did I mention that the girls and H roll in tomorrow? Yeah! So exciting!

Friday, we'll all be hanging out and swimming at Mom and R's hotel pool, I'm sure. Cupcakes need to be made, H and I need to put our heads together and make sure we're solid for the big day, but other than that, "girls just wanna have fun." Oh, yeah, and my pre-wedding massage is set for Friday, too. I'm SO looking forward to that! (My yoga teacher is the practitioner, and she's pretty much freakin' amazing.)

Saturday, the girls want to go to church and I do not, so while they're at church I'm going to go get my manicure and pedicure. We need to decorate the cupcakes and write on my chalkboard signs, but that's all the wedding prep that needs to happen, except for maybe steaming my dress. Mom and I need to run through my hair and makeup sometime before the wedding, but I don't know what day that's going to happen. We've got the rehearsal Saturday afternoon, and then we're free to do as we like.

I've been debating whether or not to spend the night before the wedding with C, but I dunno... I really want to spend a night with the girls, but it totally doesn't have to be the night before the wedding! As a matter of fact, because of my cold feet and C's remarkable ability to calm me down (and also because all of my meds/food/fibro fighting gear is already at home), it might be best if I spent the night before at home, with C. I can spend Thursday or Friday night over at the place where the girls are staying. I think that's what I'll do.

Sunday, it all breaks loose. My photographer suggested that, because it's Easter, we set up suuuuuper early so that no churches have a chance to horn in on our flat, grassy spot. I was thinking 9 am to begin setup and decorating, she was thinking 7 am. So, happy compromise? Get up at 7, set up some chairs with signs on them that say "Reserved for J-R Wedding" and go back to bed!! lol

Wow. So soon. I somehow felt that I'd have more days with my family and the girls before the wedding, but it's really only a couple. The girls have to leave the day after, with the exception of J, who is flying out right after the ceremony to catch school the next day, but my family is staying an extra couple of days. I'm looking forward to that. Post wedding chilling with my beloved family, and the bonus is that the week after the wedding is my spring break! No classes! Sweeeeeeet.

And it is now time to wake C up and begin the very, very long day that I hope I'll get through alright. I hope I get through all of them alright! I've been a very good girl, so I hope that this hard work pays off. Even if it doesn't... my support system is amazing, and they all understand :) I love that.

Also, with all the stuff going on, and all the people that I love so much around me, I'm almost certainly going to be totally AWOL from the blog world, unless I have something particularly pressing to get off of my chest.

See you on the other side. I'll be Mrs. R. What will you be? ;)

I called my dad, T, today.

He broke the initial ice by calling me while I was visiting the S's, so I guess it was my turn to make a move.

Just kidding. I don't think of it that way at all, "turns" and such. That implies debt, which is so not a part of this friendship/relationship/whatever it is we're calling it.

Anyway, I'd just been thinking of calling him off and on for the past few weeks, and today when the thought came randomly ambling through my head, I grabbed my phone and made good on the impulse before I could lose my nerve.

Lose my nerve? Why would I have a nerve to lose about this?

Well... you know me and imposing on people. I hate asking favors. (I ended up asking him for money! Gaaaack! How did THAT happen?!?! He says that I must have meant to, or else I wouldn't have brought it up, but I was just telling stories about what's going on in my life and how the house thingy was going... I thought. Maybe I did want to ask him for money without realizing it... Stop it! Stop overthinking this, woman!!) I want to be as unobtrusive as possible, and I was worried that I'd be calling him at a bad time, or that he would feel pressured to talk to me or something... but he was genuinely happy to hear from me! That was reassuring. :)

Anyway, we had a nice chat. His people showed up part-way through the convo and started picking on him, which was hilarious, but he actually barricaded himself in the bathroom to talk to me.

See, now I know that he actually wants to talk to me, that he wants to hear from me. Ahh, reassurance. ('Cause one phone conversation doesn't necessarily mean that someone wants you to be part of their life, you know?)

Oh, and when I mentioned that C and I are planning to come out and visit him and his wife in about a year, he got all excited. It was so cute! Made me happy :) I'm genuinely looking forward to meeting him and my step-mom. (Oddly enough, she's only 5 years older than I am. I don't think it'll be weird, but kinda cool, actually... we'll be much more able to relate to one another, I think.)

One thing he said was kinda funny. He mentioned that he reads my blog (hi, dad! lol), and basically that I think too much and need to learn to shut my brain off.

So as revenge for that comment, I'm picking apart our conversation on my blog. How do you like them apples?

Juuuuuust kidding. I just like to have these thoughts here, because I lose them otherwise. I'm able to hit the archives and see where I was at a certain phase in my life with no rose-colored glasses, no denial, and no justification. I can look back and see what I thought, how I felt, and why. As time goes on and I change, I tend to dismiss where I was before as though it never happened... especially if I'm embarrassed by it in some way. This way I have an undeniable record.

And, also, there is the corked and shaken bottle effect that he mentioned. I gotta get it out somehow so I don't explode!

But still... I think he has a point. I have a hard time just... being. Just stopping. Not "go-go-go"ing, not thinking about things and analyzing them and feeling so many feels about them...

So he asked me if I even know how to just shut my brain off and not care. Answer? Nope. But I'm a heck of a lot better at it than I used to be. I'm getting there...

But for today? I really don't care. I am feeling crappy, because I pushed really hard a couple of days in a row (that's what I get for working and going to school lol), and now I'm reaping the effects. So I stayed in bed all morning, and I don't care. I have a plan or two for this weekend that may or may not happen, but you know what? I don't care if it works out or not. More likely than not I'm going to end up at the house I'm housesitting, laying on the couch and watching movies all weekend. Actually... that sounds like a brilliant idea!

Or maybe I'll use the opportunity of S moving out to actually clean the house.

...Naaaah.

Anyway, I talked to my dad today even though I was a little scared to call him, and... the more I talk to him, the more I like him. I'm really looking forward to visiting him. (Especially because phone conversations are more challenging than face-to-face conversations-- I have difficulty hearing the voices, and there are no lips to read. Frustration!) He says he'll probably call me next week. I'm looking forward to that.

Little things like that... are enough to put a little smile on your face for the rest of the day. :)

Had my endoscopy today. It went well, though it did screw me up some.

Didn't destroy me (yet) like the colonoscopy, but the longer the day wears on, the worse I feel.

My theory is that, while they have you knocked out, they actually hit you with a bus. Feels plausible. :)

In other (good) news, the ladies of the HJ are throwing me a bridal shower in two weeks!

Also, J sent me a package that contained my birthday/wedding gift, and it arrived today. Know what it was?

*drumroll please*

A camera! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Not only have I missed having a camera very much, but I was feeling the lack as I looked forward to my honeymoon. How was I going to capture our joy and fun and share it with others? Well, now I can!

Also, on a practical note, I needed a camera for the Etsy venture I have planned. Sweet.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I have amazing people in my life that take such, such good care of me, I am sometimes overwhelmed with gratitude. Even on my darkest, pain-filled days, I always know that I am incredibly loved and cared for. (It's on the shaky days when my self-confidence and self-worth are somewhere below the earth's crust that I doubt this, simply because I wonder why people would care about me and what I could possibly contribute to their lives that would cause this?)

Also, my spoon earrings came today! I will take a picture (now that I have a camera, hehe) and proudly show off my spoony ears.

Oh, and one more amazing thing? I made my birthday wishes known, so tomorrow S and one of our friends M are going to deep clean the apartment, because I no longer can. That is... awesome. And M gave me twenty bucks, because he totally didn't know what to get me and knew that I know myself well enough to buy what I want. Too funny! So I think I'm going to buy another pair of comfy yoga pants, a cute dress (both from Goodwill, although there is a really cute lace dress I keep seeing at Walmart...), and maybe another pair of dangly earrings. They're seriously my new addiction. Or maybe a new cd of music for myself... I've been meaning to clean out my car's cd case. Oooh! I can invest in a new tower of burnable cd's! I somehow lost my stack of blank cd's, and I've been super bummed about that. Yeah... yoga pants, a cute dress or top, mb some dangly earrings, and blank cd's. Happy birthday, me!

(It's funny how, when the people around you don't make a big deal about your birthday, it really isn't a big deal anymore. Living with the S's, birthdays were an event, a cause for celebration! Now that I'm on my own, it's less of an event... just kind of like a passing slightly-better-and-more-important-than-normal day... which is okay. That's where I'm at right now. That may change in the future, but it's okay for now. I'm looking forward to making my child's birthday a cause for celebration, though. Anything, really, to break out the good glasses and celebrate! ^_^)

Ah! Almost forgot! We have our house inspection on Friday. I'm holding my breath... (And then we'll go out to lunch for my bday with our friends who are now moving super soon at one of my favorite sushi places. You know I'm gonna get all dolled up! I love an excuse to dress up. Maybe I'll wear my new cute dress?)

Today was a big day. I'm thoroughly exhausted.

Achievement! I fell asleep early and slept through the night, with only one wake-up-and-use-the-bathroom-break. (Usually I have at least 3 or 4). I woke up early, and it was nice. I feel better when I do the early to bed, early to rise thing, so I think I'll be sticking to that more. The only downside is that I see C much less.

We went and saw a house this morning. It's nice, but smaller than we'd prefer, buuuut... considering the price and the neighborhood it's in, it's a steal. The next house for sale in that neighborhood is a full $20,000 more, and prices are still rising! So after careful thought and deliberation, C decided to go for it, and I was totally on board. It's move in ready, and I know we can be quite comfortable there, despite the, uh, coziness. It's not that I was simply giving in to my impatience, either; considering how many crappy listings we have to go through to get a decent one, we need to jump on a good house when we see one. Plus it's already graveled in front like we want, and has a high block wall in the back, which is super important to C. Also, there's some pressure to get locked into a contract before April 1st, because some things are changing in the legislation of how some stuff works (nothing big, don't freak), and it would be better for us to have bought before then. So we signed.

After picking up some sushi for lunch, we headed back home. C has overtime today, though it's usually his day off, but I was headed off to the antique car show. I wanted him to come with me, but alas... he doesn't exactly get to control his schedule. I was already a bit tired by this point, after seeing the house and running errands and doing paperwork all morning, but this car show is only one weekend, and I love going. It's important to me.

So I headed out, walker in tow. I did get a little sunburnt, but that just means that winter is over! Yay! I loved seeing all the various makes and models of cars from throughout the years. I even saw the oldest street legal car in America! It was basically a box with wheels, a stick for steering, and a horn strapped on the side. It had headlights and such, but it didn't even have a windshield! I suppose it doesn't really need one, because it tops out at 35 mph... Still, pretty cool. I believe it was from 1918.

I spent about an hour and a half there, and by the time I was done I was really, really exhausted. I made it home and collapsed into bed with a bowl of applesauce, a glass of juice, a bottle of water, my computer, and my phone. Everything a gal needs :)

I took a very short nap a little later on, and I feel perky enough to pop in a movie and work on some wedding stuff. Some of the guys are over playing video games, and they're so. loud. It's annoying, but I know that I'm just hyper-sensitive right now because of my fatigue. They're really no louder than normal. It's just me. lol. So I've closeted myself away in the room.

Also, I texted our realtor after I woke up, and come to find out... they accepted our offer!! We open escrow on Monday! We're buying a house!

If it all goes smoothly, we should be closing a few days after our honeymoon. So... a month, basically. 5 weeks? Yeah.

It's gonna be a heck of a month! We've already got the inspection scheduled for this coming week. (On my birthday, in fact... Happy birthday! Here's a house! lol)

So it was a good day, despite pain and such. (After my massage yesterday, my legs started aching and aching soooo badly... but fortunately, the heating pad I ordered came in the mail yesterday, so I put it to good use!) It was a big day! A day that shall forever live in infamy! Oh, wait...

Well, life's gone and taken a turn for the better again. I love how it does that. I think the meds have something to do with it...

My goal with these painkillers is not to be pain-free, but rather to keep the pain at a level 4.5 or below so that I can function. I have to keep reminding myself of that, because it's so easy to slip into "let's take another" mode. I can't afford to do that, though, because I really really really don't want to become tolerant to the only thing that helps me out at all.

I've been eating quesadillas pretty frequently lately... ("Pretty frequently" being relative to how many quesadillas I've had in recent years, which is a big fat none!) I think it's 'cause my body is craving protein, but it just can't digest it. Beans, nuts, meat... nothing. It just sits there. Blech. But even though cheese does slow down my digestive processes some, it actually digests, so I figure it can't be all that bad for me right now. Quesadillas and applesauce-- one of my favorite meals right now. (Uh, the applesauce doesn't go on the quesadilla, just in case you're wondering...) I have an appointment with my gastroenterologist next week, so we can discuss my results. I'll have to tell him that, even though my colon is looking great (and I'm SO excited about that!), I'm still having the same problems. We'll see what he says.

I'm being good and sticking to my "one thing a day" rule, and I am noticing no difference at all. lol. Even though I don't feel like I'm getting better, I do see that it's helping me to stabilize. When I'm more conscious and aware of picking and choosing what I get to do, I don't get (as) caught up in the whirlwind of things I want to accomplish and totally burn myself out. I can feel myself wearing down and catch it. I took a nap the past two days (back to that again), and it felt great, especially since I've been really having sleep problems lately.

Did I mention that I'm a tutor now? A friend of mine from school will be coming over a couple of times a week and I'm helping her with her online English course. Funnily enough, it's the English course that I dropped last semester because I had too much on my plate! So I guess I get to take it again ^_^ She paid me a small sum for the first session, and she's coming back tomorrow. I don't care if she pays me, although it's a nice addition to the gas tank if she does. The last session was very tiring, but that could also be because I'd been talking to R for an hour and a half before she showed up.

It was really good to talk to R. I miss him. He gives some of the best advice... but it's not in the form of "here, let me tell you what to do". It's more like talking through the issues and sharing anecdotes from his past and the lessons that he's learned, and also, his concern and care are practically palpable. I talked to him about my marriage fears, and the ideas and examples that he shared with me really helped to ease my mind and heart a lot. I really feel like I can go through with this wedding without feeling like a hypocrite now. (Because I wasn't sure that it was fair of me to get married while still so terrified of the notion, you know? Like, does it even count?) And no, it's not that I'm fearful of marrying C, it's that I'm fearful of what marriage will do to our wonderful relationship, fearful that it will change it for the worse and turn us into one of those couples that doesn't even like each other and doesn't want to be together but won't separate because they don't believe in it... just living separate lives, or fighting and undermining each other...

But I digress. R explained how marriage does change things, and it takes work, and there are ups and downs and you don't always feel happy and necessarily want to be around that person... but the thing is that you chose them, and you love them, and you really do want to be around that person, forever. It's like the long-term, big-picture things weigh in above the short-term, immediate circumstance things and you hang in there through the rough times because you love that person and you want to make a life together. That's what I got out of it, anyway... that even when it's rough, it's still enough to know that you want to be with that person and you love them. And really, I understand that, because C and I have had quite a good share of "rough" already, what with the rocky beginning and my PTSD flares and all the adjustment that comes with living together, and now my fibro and other health problems... We can do rough. Even if I'm crying every night, which I've done during certain stretches. But see, the thing is... it's never about not wanting to be with C. It's about what's going on around or inside me, it's about money or my past or my fears or what someone said or how I feel about a certain thing C is doing or has done... but it's never about un-choosing him. So I think I get it, a little. Maybe not entirely, but I get it, some.

R and I also talked about what's going on with that whole DV thing that went down a while ago. It's cool to see that he fully admits that he made mistakes that night, and that he went overboard, but I do agree with him when he says that he's not domestically violent. I overreacted to the situation too, and hurt him very much, which I regret. None of us can take back what happened, but he's really getting the crappy end of the stick. His retirement is in danger, all this crazy stuff is going on... but he is determined to "take his lumps", as he put it, and just slog through this mess the best he can. I'm proud of him. I'm also really proud of him for the steps forward he's taking in managing his anger. He actually consciously processed through why he was angry the other day, and made the decision to let it go because he didn't want to ruin the day/evening for everyone else. That is so mature. I've never heard him do anything like that before, and I'm really impressed. Not to say that it's going to happen every time, of course, because really? Let's be real. One step forward, two steps back. That's how this stuff goes down, and R is a human being who is learning and growing. But he is stepping forward, and what's more, he wants to be stepping forward. If that isn't worthy of respect, I don't know what is. I'm so proud of my daddy :)

Today was a great day, in and of itself. C and I hit the shooting range mid-afternoon, because pistol qualifications are coming up and he needs to practice. We'll be heading out there next week, too. I took my homework and did some reading in between picking up his empty shells to be refilled. We would have stayed longer, but C ran out of ammo, so there really wasn't much we could do but pack up and leave. When we got home, we decided to watch some Star Wars, as I'm currently watching my way through the series. Since we need to do our own music after all, we have now settled on the Imperial March as our exit song :) Seriously, if our marriage has half of the tenacity and determination of Vader and the Imperial forces, nothing can stop us. I see it as a good omen.

While getting ice cream, we (mostly I, as C was occupied with choosing his ice cream flavors and paying for our treats) met a young couple our age who share some of our unique interests and hobbies! It's funny how it all worked out, but it started when the guy, J, commented that he liked my choker. (I was wearing the collar that I recently purchased.) That led to a discussion about Renaissance festivals, and it turns out that they're Rennies, too! They're heading up to the Ren Faire soon that C and I will be visiting the week before our wedding. As the convo progressed, we found out that we were similar ages, newlyweds both (C and I are due in 6 weeks, and they've been married 4 months), and--get this-- he's a gamer like C. He plays the same games, but his wife, C, is like me and mostly watches.

I gave the card of the leatherworker who made my collar to J (yes, another J to add to my blog! lol) and ended up writing my email and fb info on the back so we can get together and hang out. They're pretty new to the area and looking for friends, and I'm looking to expand my social circle as well. We really hit it off in the short time that we talked, and I'm looking forward to hearing from them. J said several times (and his C affirmed it) that "we'll definitely hit you guys up soon!" I'm excited :D

What's crazy about the whole thing is all the little bits and pieces that had to come together just so in order for us to meet this couple. First of all, I'm surprised that I had the leatherworker's card in the first place. I usually don't get or keep business cards. Secondly, I was only wearing the collar because I was wearing a particular dress that I like to wear the collar with (though I only put it on to go out, and wasn't wearing it around the house today), but I was only wearing the dress because of a comment C made last night that led to my wearing it today. If I hadn't been wearing the dress that led to the collar, or the collar that I debated about putting on before we left the house, the conversation never would have begun in the first place.

Okay, so then there's timing. We were going to go to Target right after we finished our movie (and there's the whole thing about what if we'd stayed at the range longer, what if we hadn't watched the whole movie, what if this, what if that, etc.), but we got a bit... distracted... by each other and didn't leave for a little while longer. So then the shopping and browsing all took place, but if I'd spend less or more time at any of those stores, we would have missed them. If the frozen yogurt place had been open, we wouldn't have gone to Coldstone, and we missed the closing time by just 7 minutes.

It's really crazy how all those little things worked together so that we would be standing next to each other in line and I would be wearing a conversation piece that appealed to all involved. Crazy, I tell you. Even if nothing ever comes of this, if no friendship ensues, the event itself was so cool that it just makes me happy to think about it. Plus it was really fun, 'cause they're great people! We had a blast chatting it up. I really do hope that we can become friends. (Plus I feel super adult, making friends with another couple, you know?)

I wrapped up my day by drinking mint tea to soothe my roiling tummy and filing my taxes. Not a bad ending to a good day, especially since I'm getting a decent sized refund. It's enough to pay off the bulk of my credit card debt, and I'm very, very pleased about that. I hate being in debt, even if it's totally legitimate debt.

I think I might be able to take another whack at my homework before turning in for the night. Think I'll go read my chapter on the bed while I listen to C hack apart monsters in Guild Wars. That sounds pleasant :)

So I had my first real conversation with my real dad today.

Wowza.

I can't even begin to process through it all right now, because it's a lot, and there are a ton of attendant emotions, but I can say a few things right now...

1. He and C (his wife) aren't going to be able to come to the wedding. I cried after I got off the phone, because I'm super disappointed. What is touching, though, is that they tried everything they could to be able to work it so they could come, but finances are just too constraining right now. Mer :( It hit me hard, because in the past 3 days I've heard that both of my best friends are not able to come, C and D aren't able to come (because of D's cancer) so I've lost a set of parents, and now T and C can't come. J and K are thinking they'll be able to come but it's still not set in stone and if they don't make it down then H won't be able to swing it financially on her own, so I'll lose my wedding coordinator. Good Lord. I was crying because not only am I sad about T and C not coming, but it feels like all the people I care about just aren't able to be there-- is anyone going to be able to come? Is there a point in having a ceremony at all?! *Sigh* I'll get past this, I know I'm just grieving, and it'll be okay.

2. We are freakily similar in little, odd ways... and some bigger ways. Even if we didn't look alike, which we do, I would not question his paternity after this convo.

3. It was really good. I just... yeah. A ton of emotions. I can't even begin to sort through them right now. But I'm just really happy. I was really apprehensive, unsure of what to expect, but I like him. I really do. He's good people :) And I think that we can definitely have a good friendship from here on out.

4. I was really touched that he would make the move to contact me, to own up to his fear and overcome it for the sake of building a relationship. For a long time I've questioned if he cared at all, but I know now that he does... not only because this was a huge step for him, but also because he choked up and even cried several times during the conversation, as did I. Like... I just really felt like he cared about me, and that in and of itself is enough to bring a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. I didn't realize that there was a hole inside of me where a father's care should be, and that I was missing it or that it would mean anything to me to know that he cares, but... I dunno. It just twists something inside me that feels soft and a little bit sore... like a pulled muscle, almost, but on an emotional level. I didn't know that it was there until it got tweaked. But it feels good. It feels really good. And strange... but good. I know that R cares and loves me as his own, but something is different, knowing that it's the person who contributed to my creation, you know? Sure, R chose our family, but T made me!

5. I gave him my blog link... so he might be reading this now. Hi, dad! (Hah! Feels weird to type that! lol) Smile-- you're on candid camera ;)

6. He's funny. I genuinely like the guy. Even if he weren't related to me, I would totally choose him as a friend. He kind of defers the idea, but I think he's good people. I'm looking forward to getting to know him and C better. And I really want to go visit them sometime in the near future, definitely within the next 5 years at most. I wasn't sure about visiting him back when I was all uber Christian, because I knew that our lifestyles totally wouldn't mesh and I wasn't sure how uncomfortable and awkward it would be, but now that I'm out of my Judgy McJudgerson phase I think that it'll be fine. Maybe I'll make a visit out to see him one of the Adventures that C promised to take me on! :)

So, yeah. T and I are gonna get to know each other, baby steps at a time. I'm genuinely excited about this, though I know it's gonna bring up a ton of stuff for me to work through, and it's not all going to be pleasant. I am sure, though, that once the dust settles, I will be so much the healthier for it.

And that, my friends, is all. I have to take a test for my online class before other stuff happens... and if this past week is any indicator, I need to be on my toes.

Today was tough. Felt like I got hit by a train, was practically dragging myself through the day... but I made it! And it was a good day, too. My pain and fatigue do not determine the outcome of my day, thankyouverymuch :)

Went and got ice cream with D and R and C's bro D after school tonight. I was, as D put it, celebrating my clean intestines by polluting them lol. Then D (C's dad's gf) and I settled in on the couch to look at the dress ideas I'd compiled. (She wants to buy me the outfit that I'll wear to the courthouse when C and I get legally married.) Good news-- we picked one out!

This is the dress, and here's the cardigan I'll wear over it. I plan to get a pair of black panty hose, and we'll pick up a pair of shoes (something that are a pop of color) as well. Ensemble complete! As far as the color goes, I say that if marrying in black is good enough for Laura Ingalls, it's good enough for me ^_^ Also, as D pointed out, I can wear this outfit if we go out somewhere nice to eat while we're in SD for our honeymoon.

Aaaaand... that's pretty much it. Glad to be home and resting. Glad to be sitting next to my honey. Glad that C GOT PRE-APPROVED FOR HIS LOAN THIS MORNING AND WE CAN START LOOKING AT HOUSES THIS FRIDAY! Yeah. Lots to be glad for :)

Glad for good friends who stand by you no matter what... and other good friends who laugh (but not at you!) when you share shocking news.

Yep. Today was tough, but I'm still glad.

I realized today that I've been very happy lately... even about the little things. They just swell my heart. I couldn't figure out why in the world this shift, untillll.... I realized that this tramadol is doing more than I thought it was. It makes me feel like I have energy and that I'm closer to normal than I've been in a long time, and apparently it also boosts my mood. Why? Well, because the fatigue and pain (mostly fatigue) had worn me down, crushed me, and just numbed me to the point where I didn't have it in me to be happy anymore. I mean, I was happy, don't get me wrong... but in a watered-down way. Now? Now I'm happy. I feel more like a normal person than I have in a very, very long time, and that in itself is enough to make me delirious with joy. They gave me this stuff as a pain killer, but it's become like a miracle drug for me. I can put up with itchiness if it gives me my feelings back.

Yeah, still have to watch myself and make sure I don't overdo it, but man... I can't even describe what this shift is like. It's like passing from death to life. Like a color-blind person who has the ability to see color restored to them... and they live on a peacock farm.

It's really all coming together! The relief that courses through me as I cross off item after item on my list is almost addicting. It makes me want to do more, get a bigger high... lol. But things happen as they happen. There was a lull for a few months where nothing was happening, and I started to second guess myself. (Plus I was ingesting these crazy awesome wedding blogs on a daily basis, so it began to be hard for me to separate my ideas and desires from what I was seeing others do, you know?)

Now, though, I've gotten so much done in the past few days... it literally feels like it's a giant set of puzzle pieces that are snapping into place.

I've got the dress. (Well, Mom does, but it'll be in my possession soon.) I've got the accessories. I've got the cake. I've got the food. (I've got money to pay for the food!) I've got a majority of the decorations, and a majority of the pieces-parts to make certain aspects of the decorations. I've got the drinks ideas straightened out (finally!). I've got the officiant. I've got the photographer. I've got the day-of coordinator. I'm still working on music, as plans have changed.

C and I worked on the ceremony last night, and the major pieces are in place. All that's left is for me to write the filler stuff that transitions between the major parts.

I reserved our tables and chairs yesterday, and today I reserved and paid for our ramada. Phew! Talk about a load off of my mind! I was almost afraid that we'd have to guerilla the place, but I don't think that would have worked, as the Parks and Rec lady informed me that Easter Sunday is the hottest day for ramada reservations in the entire year. Of course, we would pick that day to marry in a park... but I've got it from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m., and we get a free hour on the end for cleanup. (By the time that free hour expires, the sun will already be set, and no one will be fighting us for the ramada then, anyway, I think.) I also ordered my cupcake stencils yesterday. Instead of doing a dusting of cocoa powder through the stencils, I'm thinking about laying them on wax paper and brushing/pouring melted chocolate over them, then freezing the resulting chocolate stencil that's left on the wax paper. Then I'll put that on top of the cupcake frosting. Wouldn't that be cute?! (And probably less messy...)

I figured that today, since I wasn't up to much physically, I'd do some wedding crafts. I've got the tags for the favors 95% complete-- all that's left is to write the wedding date on the back in a nifty font. It took several hours to put them together, but I'm pleased with the result. They came out a different color than I intended, but they're still quite pretty.

The big things I've got left to do are getting C sized and ordering his ring, creating the guestbook and napkin rings, writing down the timeline of the day and getting that to the photographer along with a list of shots I want, and nailing down the ceremony to get to the officiant. I still need to paint my B and G letters that will sit at the Bride and Groom's places, I need to paint the mason jars and pretty up some candleholders, and I need to figure out what I'm doing about a cake stand.

So, yeah, I've still got my work cut out for me, but so much is coming together that I feel very light and giddy. I was so afraid that it was all going to fall apart... but I think it's going to be great.

What a week it's been!

First finals, then a strong sickness, then scrambling to make ready for my big trip... not to mention the CPR class I had to take (after a night of terrible/very little sleep) and visiting Grampa in the hospital.

I couldn't figure out why I was so keyed up and nauseous last night, but then, as I traced my week, I realized that I was super stressed.

Thankfully, I got better sleep last night. I still wake up a lot (every hour, on the dot, it seems), but I was able to drift off quickly again.

I was able to pull it all together, so now I'm sitting in the airport, waiting for my connecting flight to the Midwest. I've got about an hour before the flight starts to board, and I wish that I could lie down and take a nap! But I'm afraid of people stealing my stuff, sadly...

I am glad I brought the walker. My legs are already starting to hurt.

But, hey, guess what? I'm officially certified in CPR for healthcare providers!

And Grampa was doing well. He should be getting out today. Thankfully, they didn't have to cut him all the way open. They just did an incision big enough for the surgeon to stick his hand in there, and a couple of other incisions for the camera and the robotic tool. He'll be down and out for a while, though. A colon suture is not a wound that you want to break open... talk about infection!

And now... to end on the cutest note I've ever seen... C showed me this video last night and I just lost it. Look at those eyes!

Well, the two sides of the family have met at last. (Parts of them, at least.)

Gramma, Grampa, and I went to C's parent's house for Thanksgiving dinner. (Sort of parents... C's dad, R, and R's girlfriend, D.) D went out and bought me/cooked me all kinds of special food so that I could partake along with everyone else. I was flabbergasted and really honored. I think she likes me! :) Also, she's just a pretty amazing, generous person.

I remember being amazing at how wonderful and generous D's mom S was, back in up in Id, yet there was always something about her that made me a little uncomfortable... like she was expecting something from you somehow... There was a pressure to her generosity that made it so I was never fully at ease with her. D, though, is not like that. She's just generous, and you never feel pressured to be effusive in your thanks or that you'll have to match the gift later, nothing like that. It's kind of refreshing, actually. I want to be like that! (I have a feeling that I'm more of the former than the latter... and I know that I have some passive-aggressive ways about me. Trying to change that.)

Unfortunately, my new meds pretty much destroy me if I take them during the day, so I'm going to try taking them at night from now on. I took them in the morning so I was "off" all day, sad to say. I did thoroughly enjoy my time over there, though. My grandparents hit it off with C's family real well. Gramma hung out over by the kitchen with D and they swapped stories, and Grampa and R commandeered the couches to watch Dallas get slaughtered. (Ah, well, they made a good comeback, so I can't actually say slaughtered...)

During dinner, R kept us practically rolling with funny stories from his job (he is a deputy with the local Sheriff's Department). There was this one story about a couple of emus that they were called out to corral some years back that was hilarious. I can totally see C's facial expressions and gestures in R when he gets animated. (Or is it vice versa?) It's kinda weird, seeing him so happy and animated. I never saw that side of him when C's mom was still in the picture, sad to say. I'm glad to say that I (and everyone else who knows him) can see that I bring out the liveliness in C just like D does for R, and that's a good thing.

Also, roomie S showed up to hang out with D, C's brother, so that was fun. C and I (and S) went back over to his parent's after he got off of work, and D told me that she really liked my grandparents. Even S said that they were cool, which surprised him, because he knows they're very religious.

So, basically?  Project: Introduce The Families was a resounding success! D invited Gramma and Grampa over for New Year's, even though I won't be there, and they were pleased to accept the invitation! *Whew* I'm glad that went so well. I mean, I didn't expect it to be a problem, but you never know when drama might spring up for no good reason.

Well, my sister had her baby. Six pounds, six ounces.

SK, aka "Peanut", is officially a part of the outside world now. (God help you, poor child!)

So I've spent the "morning" on the phone with my parents, hearing stories of the labor and delivery, of the dogs' reactions, of the baby herself and her quiet little cry, of how cute she is, etc. (I say "morning" because I woke up late. I made the mistake of eating food last night, and I was up until about 4 a.m. with my pain.)

I didn't realize how much it meant to me to be there when my niece was introduced into the world until I wasn't able to. Like, I really, really want to be there. Family is so important to me, and this is such a major family event... I feel like the kid who watches all the other kids traipse off to the swimming pool from the bedroom window, crushed because I can't go for reasons beyond my control.

I just want to hold her so badly!!

But... but... but... I'll see her when I go home for Christmas. R likened it to going out to dinner and getting dessert as a bonus. I'd be going to see the folks even if Peanut wasn't there, but now I get dessert, too! :)

Also, Mom and I will be crafting our little hearts out for the wedding while I'm there.

Oh, dear. I hope I don't idealize this vacation too much... because honestly, it sounds like paradise. Family, crafting, and little Peanut? Be still, my heart!! <3

I'm so proud of my little sister. She was a champ.

I'm back, baby!

I knew I'd come out of my depression funk eventually... it took a week, but I'm on the upswing.

I just need to manage myself carefully, because it's so easy to work myself into a frenzied lather of energy and motion and manic happiness after being down. It's just so delicious being happy, and caring about stuff, and having the energy to do some things! Very, very easy to go overboard.

And so, today I forewent my walk. (Forewent is the past tense of forego, yeah?) I want it, because I enjoy it, but I recognize that today was such a busy day, with so much running around and cleaning and work and stuff, that I would be overdoing it by taking the walk... no matter how enjoyable walking is for me.

I see this as maintaining those physical boundaries. "Today, I will go this far, and no further." (Did I mention that I'm proud of myself? Go me!) Life is busy right now, and I need to be wise. I somehow passed that big test with flying colors, despite freaking out about not grasping the material, and being too apathetic and unfocused to study really well. (I got over 100%. Really? Really?!) I've still got a lot of school work to do (we're learning slope and average rates of change and stuff in algebra now), on top of the HJ, but those are constants. Fluctuating constants, true... I've got a couple of odd jobs this week and the next, and I'm still trying to nail down wedding stuff. Then there's this holiday stuff, like the zombie haunted house. A group of us are going to see S's big play this weekend, and I'm celebrating my Anniversary of Life this weekend with BJ and F.

Oh, yeah-- Happy Anniversary!!

That was an Astrovan at one point in time.

I'm so happy to be alive. And to have my vision back. And that everyone else survived, too, despite the odds! Six years... I can hardly believe it.

Here's to Life.

More importantly, here's to a Balanced Life.

Cheers.