I have discovered the most amazing thing in North America, and quite possibly the universe as well.

(But it's only amazing if you like the Baroque era of music. Just a warning.)

Sunday Baroque

I've been listening for the past... 3 hours. At least.

Finally, a Sunday I enjoy! Usually, I dislike Sundays, just because the rhythms of the day tend to get messed up with sleeping in and all... banks are closed, post office is closed, etc. It just throws everything off. They are awkward.

Buuuut, today was rather enjoyable. (So far.) I had a good Talk with God this morning, the shower was nice and hot (it's hit and miss around here), I feel TONS better than I have the past several days, and I found this amazing music to listen to. I got the fridge cleaned out, most of my stuff packed, a pot of beans (sans garlic this time) simmering to freeze later, and I think I'll make bread this evening, after I pack up my food items. Oh, yeah, and an amazing lunch! (Penne alfredo- made with sunflower seeds and pine nuts, toast with olive oil and fresh basil leaves, and broccoli. YUM!)

It's been a day of getting things done. I like that.

In addition, I wrote H a thank you/goodbye card to leave with the jasmine candle I got her. We had oohed and ahhed over the Yankee Candles in a nearby art and framing store, and the jasmine candle was the one that tickled both our fancies the most... so I figure it's an appropriate parting gift. I didn't have any wrapping paper, so I wrapped it in tissue paper (not an easy feat, considering the candle is cylindrical, and the wrapping paper is square) and folded some kudsukama flowers out of pretty paper to decorate the top. (Note to self: do not use heavy paper next time!)

It's been a weekend of reality check, too... I bumped into a friend of mine in church yesterday, and after a while he asked what my plans were next year. I told him, of course, that I'm headed back to Idaho to study agriculture for a year (it sounds so impressive, doesn't it?), and that I was praying about starting a support group for abuse victims. He immediately encouraged me to do the group, which meant a lot to me, since I really respect his opinion. He knows about doing new ventures for God... After all, he did start the Magabook industry back in the 80's.

I've been praying... Lord, should I do this, or should I not? Is it just because I want to feel like a leader? Do I really have anything to contribute? Is this my idea, or yours? Is this just me, or do you really want me to do this? After thinking about it a while, the only things holding me back are a.) Hesitation that it might not be what God wants me to do, and b.) fear of failure, fear of risk... just... fear.

*Sigh*

Oh, and this weekend, I read another book, When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy. It helped me understand what C was talking about with the "feminine mystique" thing- at least, what I think she was trying to get across! It was less being coy and more preserving my purity and not selling myself cheap. I was challenged when I realized that saving physical affection and sexual purity for my future husband isn't really the end of the line. Someday, I want to be able to give him my heart, my emotions, my everything... and I don't want those to be things that I carelessly tossed to the highest bidder. Now, don't get me wrong, I know how to do this... when I'm single.

The problem, and the challenge, lies in the fact that I'm now dating D. How do I maintain my emotional purity while in a dating relationship? While pondering this, I realized that I had gotten too "into" this relationship... I was so ready to hand him my heart, without him even asking! No way, dude!

I mean, I know that the relationship needs to progress in order to be healthy, but... if I'm throwing everything I have and am into this from the get-go, there will be nothing for him to discover... and there will be nothing to save.

Does this even make any sense? It does in my head. We're getting to know each other. That's a fact. We both like each other. That's undeniable. But that doesn't mean that I should now drop my reserves and completely expose my heart to him. Discretion, I believe it's called.

What I was yearning to pour into D, I'm now channeling elsewhere. I've started writing letters to my future husband. It helps me keep perspective, and gives me a place to put all that mushy gushy stuff without endangering or rushing my relationship with D.

Mom once told me, while I was still getting to know/ dating GM, "Treasure this time. If things move forward, you won't ever have these moments back."

She's right. I'm going to savor this phase, and not worry about what lies ahead. What does rushing into the future gain? Absolutely nothing.

Not without design does God write the music of our lives. Be it ours to learn the tune, and not be dismayed at the "rests." They are not to be slurred over, not to be omitted, not to destroy the melody, not to change the keynote. If we look up, God Himself will beat the time for us. With the eye on Him, we shall strike the next note full and clear.


If we sadly say to ourselves, "There is no music in a 'rest,'" let us not forget "there is the making of music in it." The making of music is often a slow and painful process in this life. How patiently God works to teach us! How long He waits for us to learn the lesson!


-Ruskin

So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; 
It shall not return to Me void, 
But it shall accomplish what I please,
And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. 


“ For you shall go out with joy,
And be led out with peace;
The mountains and the hills 
Shall break forth into singing before you, 
 And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands."


{Isaiah 55:11, 12}

Did I imagine it?

Was it all a dream?

Those valleys we forged together, the deep darknesses that clawed their way to the core of my being, scrounging for victory, only to be driven back by your brilliant light... again and again... We've come so far.

Did it really happen?

Here I find myself, staring at the blank faces of the brick walls I've erected... again.

God, will I never cease to shut you out, one way or another?!

I sense you calling me... arms outstretched, heart bursting and aching with love... cheeks shining with the evidence of your love...

and I sit, catatonic, unmindful.

Tears course down my face, too, but they're not tears of love, they're tears of brokenness.

How did I end up here again? I am not setting out to be unresponsive, I promise you I am not, but... I just don't know how to be anything else. I don't know, God- I just don't know how to do this! It's so hard. How do I do this? What does it even look like? What does it mean?


What is love, God? Why am I not changed by it? I want so badly to be renewed, to be transformed, to love and live radically... but why am I still the same?

I'm so tired of fighting. So tired of fighting for peace... so tired of trying to do it right. I don't know how. I just don't know how to do this.

So what do I do?

How do I open up? How do I let you in? God, I want to let you in... but it seems like every time I do... it doesn't stick. How do I mean it?

God... I'm broken by my inability to be broken. Does that make sense?

So here I am... tangled shards of good intentions. Do what you can... whatever that is.

I'm tired of building walls.

photo

Lord, I hope I didn't make a mistake, eating all that food...

"All that food" would be referring to one grapefruit and half a cup of oatmeal. It's the most substantial meal I've had since Monday.

And, in the intervening minutes between breakfast and this blog post (oh, about 5), I realize that it was, in fact, a mistake. I should have stopped at half a grapefruit.

I don't know what to make of this sudden, inexplicable relapse. I have no appetite (usually a sort of nausea has replaced the appetite- you know, that feeling that something's stuck in the back of your throat and you're about to throw up any moment?), but when I do eat, it sends waves of pain coursing through my abdomen. I'm almost sure it's my colon, rebelling. But I don't understand... I haven't eaten anything I'm allergic to! I've been taking my medication faithfully! And I haven't been that stressed! I mean, it's life. Stress happens.

Ugh... here come the swords...

Maybe I need to see a doctor.

It's funny... how when someone gives me advice... my brain almost always interprets it as You're hearing this because you're doing it wrong! Even if the advice is just "Hey, watch out for this pitfall that you might run into" stuff. Like today.

C, dear C... and M. I enjoy them so much, and I'm so happy to see them happily married. I've been there for most of the whole thing- helped C through many a rough spot when she wasn't sure about M, then she was, then there were trials, then she was madly in love... so on, so forth. And M and I are very similar in our bluntness and openness. We click well.

And so, upon finding out that I am in a relationship, they proceeded to give me advice, because they care about me. I treasure it. I just wasn't sure I wanted to hear it. Because now my mind won't rest... it's playing and replaying all my conversations with D, thinking, Did I do it right? Was that peace false? Is my happiness a farce, a false apparition? Did I even do the right thing in entering this relationship? Aaaaaaah!

Especially after I shared some of the details regarding how we got together... my friend warned me that providences aren't the most solid way of determining God's will. So... great. That totally undermines my trust in God's leading that I've experienced. Thanks. I know you didn't mean it that way, but it's slightly devastating to me, especially since I've been struggling with trust so much anyways.

Maybe you just don't understand how much of a baby Christian I am... SOULS aside, I'm a fledgling! I'm still struggling with some of the basic tenets and principles of our faith! Forget prophecy and proof texts... I am struggling to trust God right now!

And another thing... I almost dread the question, "So how old is this guy?" Because I fear the inevitable shock and questioning to follow. Yes, he's older than I am... by quite a few years. So what? And, yes, he has a rough past. I'm well aware that this could cause problems down the road... but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I have a rough background, too. I made mistakes as well- big ones. But you are enthusiastic about me, so why not him? Ah, it's because you don't know him. That's why. You fear for me, because you love me. I understand.

I did realize, while driving home, that no matter whether others think I'm doing it wrong, or that I've made a mistake, or that I could do better, or whatever... ultimately, I am the one who has to live with my choices. I need to be pure before God, and settled in my own heart. As for the rest of 'em... they aren't my conscience.

But I am trying to value their input, and not be defensive. I know it's given in love. I just hate the onslaught of second-guessing that follows.

Oh, yeah... and she instructed me on the art of feminine mystique... Don't throw open the shutters to my heart right away. We all agree that I'm a very open person (which they called "refreshing" and "a good thing"), but when it comes to relationships, I have to make him pursue me, apparently.

Can't I just be myself? I mean... that's the person he likes, right? Ugh. This is confusing...


Good news. I'm hungry for the one of the first time in days. I'm going to eat something while this lasts. I haven't been eating much.

"C, I believe in you. I see so much potential in you, and I really think you can do this. But whatever you decide, I'll stand behind you. I won't judge you, and I won't abandon you."

Were sweeter words ever spoken?

Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for pointing out that, if this world was perfectly wonderful, we wouldn't want to leave. Thank you for reminding me why I signed up for this in the first place- the kids, those dear little starfish...

And so the fight continues.