I don't really wanna be back home.

Being on a honeymoon was nice, because I could pretty much say, "Eff you, world, you don't exist to me right now!"

People call me? I ignore them. I don't feel like talking.

Emails? They can wait.

Texts? Eh... I answered some from J, but that was it.

And I still want to be able to do that. I think I'm just worn out, but... I don't want to care about anything right now. I feel so super-apathetic... and still so tired. Tired in the very core of me.

Don't want to do school.

Don't want to do work.

Don't want to sort and store wedding stuff.

Don't want to talk to anyone.

Don't want to answer the SAME questions over and over again... (it wouldn't be so bad if I weren't so "meh", I think.)

Yes, I'm enjoying being married. Actually, it's pretty much exactly the same as before, except now I have to answer a bunch of questions, act enthused, and remember a new name. That's why it keeps hitting me in sporadic, giddy bursts that I'm actually married now, because it all just feels so... the same.

It's like having a birthday. People keep asking you, "So how does it feel to be ____?" And you're like, "Uh, the same. I didn't wake up with a magical shift in life purpose and meaning. I don't feel any different than I did the day before my birthday, sooooo... yeah."

Yes, I'm enjoying my honeymoon... or I would be, if you'd leave me alone! lol.

I think I just need to go to bed! I'm cranky. It was probably the traveling. It wore me out. (And all the walking from the past few days... and all the being-super-sick the week before, and all the wedding crazy from the week before that...)

So. Back to regular life. No more lounging in a hotel room or soaking in a nice deep tub/jacuzzi. No more ignoring phone calls and homework. I gotta get back to being a responsible chick.

How boring.

Packing for the honeymoon! ^_^

C came up with the idea to create and install footrests on my walker, so that if/when I get too fatigued to walk around anymore at our destinations, I can sit on the seat and he'll push me around. He's also the one that reminded me to bring a pillow to sit on. That man takes such good care of me! (Also, side note: apparently adult strollers are a thing. C joked about it, I googled it, and sure enough... they're basically wheelchairs with more framing and some straps.)

Got a new prescription for an increased amount of painkillers today, which relieves my fear of running out of painkillers on the honeymoon. I had to go in and talk to the receptionist to make it happen, but that's a very small price to pay.

I wired "my portion" of the house funds (the money given to me by others and accumulated in my bank account) into C's escrow account this morning. The lady that "helped" us was singularly unhelpful and frustrating, but we got it done anyway. This means that we have enough to cover our end of closing costs. Hallelujah! We're getting a house! And such a neat little house it is, too... Maybe I'm just biased, because it's my first house.

The guys are moving a new couch set into the apartment right now, except it's a giant sectional and too big for the front door's sharp angle into the house... so they are having to walk it all the way around the apartment complex and take it in through the porch's sliding glass door. Poor guys. But it's a nice couch, and we're getting it for free from one of the guys' parents, so SCORE! It'll do nicely in our new home.

I started growing my hair out over a year ago as a challenge to myself, because it hadn't been long in so very long. Then, when I got engaged, I knew for certain that I wanted long hair on my wedding day. Well, the thing is that when I do the same thing for lengths of time, I get antsy. The same goes for my hairstyle. It hadn't really changed in over a year, except to get longer and get trimmed and such. As the wedding approached, I found myself wanting to do something new, something different. I (barely) forced myself to wait until after the wedding, but now...

...a brunette bob! J says I look tired in this pic, and I probably do, but I thought I looked pretty good! :) Considering the flare I've been in, I look better here than I have since the wedding day.

Anyway, off to pack some more. I got to rest a bit while writing this, so it's back to the grindstone I go.

I came to a decision this morning.

Sure, it's fast, but I'm a pretty fast decision maker as a generality. I like things to happen now!

Anyway, I may go into this more later (I'm hurtin' right now, and not really in zee blogging mood), but I have decided that I will, in fact, postpone the massage therapy program for a year.

I'm postponing, not quitting. And it's a mature, thought-out decision, not a failure.

I just don't want to make a bunch of progress towards getting my health straightened back out and then go into a big ol' relapse because I pushed it too hard, too soon. I'm trying to look more at the long-term, and I think that this is the best decision I can make for myself right now.

I talked to C this morning about my thoughts last night, and the possible options, and all that stuff. He's behind me no matter what I choose, but the big epiphany for me was realizing that even if I'm "just" a housewife, he's fine with that. I have the freedom to choose what's best for me, and he's okay with whatever I decide. That is very freeing. To know that he will neither think less of me nor resent me for not "pitching in"... that allows me to make a decision based on what is really the best, rather than a decision motivated by the fear of rejection or other emotions.

Also... this means I can go to J's wedding! I would be lying if I didn't say that this was a slight motivating factor in my plans... But now we can combine the "let's go get my cat and the rest of my stuff" trip with J's wedding, so that's perfect. I'm starting to save up already.

I have other things I can focus on to keep me occupied while I really work on getting myself to a healthy place. It reminds me of what I went through in Id with the S's... I kinda dinked around and kept myself occupied with work of various sorts while I put a lot of focused energy into healing emotionally and mentally from the past abuse. Now that I've advanced much further emotionally, it's time to focus on advancing physically.

Honestly, I do feel relieved having come to an actual decision. This question of "but can you do the massage program?" has been brought up to me many times through the past few months by many different people. I brushed them off as party poopers, determined to charge headfirst into the challenge and prove myself a Mighty Fibromyalgia Warrior. However... I'm thinking at this point that maybe discretion is the better part of valor. I'm still a Warrior... but taking a different tack.

The best part? I feel good about this decision. I believe I'm doing the right thing, and I feel peaceful and settled. I can see that my reasons are good ones, and that I am doing this for good reasons, so I am not afraid. (Much.) Also? It's my life, and it doesn't matter if anyone else agrees or disagrees, frankly. As long as I (and C, since he has a stake in this now) am okay with it and believe I'm on the right path, well... that's what really matters.

If I were still shoulding myself, I would say that because I just got married, I should be deliriously happy, right? That my blog should be bursting with pictures and stories and fun little things, because life rocks right now, right?

Okay, truth be told, I am very happy, and life does rock right now!

I kinda want to wait until the pictures come back before I start processing the wedding and telling stories. It's all too new and personal right now for me to reel it out, strand by strand, and lay it down here. I know this is my personal blog, but still... some things are too precious, even for this place. (Also, I'm a space cadet right now. Hehe.)

But right now, I find myself in a strange place. I'm a newlywed, a blushing bride-no-longer... and while it feels a little different, it's really not that different from before, except that I feel out of place on the wedding websites that I have come to frequent. I feel like that mom that tries to be cool with her teenage daughter's friends, but in reality is just awkwardly lurking. I'll probably get over that as I find new little niches on the web to hang out.

What I'm really here for today, though, is to spill my fears. Because really, I'm afraid... so very afraid. And sad. And not really sure what else...

...because I'm really sick. Again. As usual. The week before the wedding was the joy of another prolonged flare (sometimes it's just one day, sometimes it's a couple days, and sometimes it's a week... or more). I'm so glad that H was there to coordinate the wedding stuff for me, because by the time it rolled around, I just didn't care anymore. I didn't have it in me to care. My brain was not functioning well, and I kept getting asked to make all these last minute decisions (because, of course, things go wrong and then you have to roll with alternate plans), and I just really couldn't. And the day of? Don't even go there. I was as good as useless. Also, I was kinda cranky, because I hurt so much. If it hadn't been my wedding day, it would have been a "crawl into bed and never come back out" day. I just wanted to lay down and cry multiple times. But it was my wedding day, so I pushed forward... and it was great. I had a lot of fun, once the stuff actually got started. I've been paying for that day of fun, though.

The flare continued, and yesterday it was so so so bad. I got broadsided by a bad case of fibro flu... the kind of broadsided where all you can do is lay somewhere that is usually comfortable and twitch, groan, and pray for the end.

That brings me to why I'm here. Because I'm really sick. Again. As usual.

I hear other people with fibro talk about "good days" and "bad days". Yesterday was definitely a bad day. But even my "good days", well... they're bad. And that both pisses me off and frustrates me. I have had one day since early January where I have been able to function without taking a single prescription pain killer all day. One. And I can count on one hand the number of days since early January that I have been able to function with less than three prescription pain killers in a day.

Is it bad that I just really don't wanna do this anymore?

Because here I am, staring down my future, and wondering what the hell am I going to do? In four months, I'm supposed to start the intense massage therapy training program. I'm having a difficult time with the three classes I'm in now (and one of them is online!), and I expect to be able to pull that off?

I am in a treatment program that's supposed to give some pretty good results by July, but can I really pin my hopes on that? I just keep getting worse and worse, and so quickly... it scares me, y'all. I am frightened by the decline in my health.

It doesn't help when well meaning friends question me as to why I'm so sick, or how I declined so rapidly, or whatever. I don't know! If I knew, then maybe I could do something about it! As it is, it's like I've been thrown into a pool of icy water with my arms tied behind my back. I'm thrashing about, looking for purchase, but all the while I become weaker and weaker, sinking further and further...

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't have a lot of good in my life. C is amazing, and fully prepared to financially support us both in the event that I cannot contribute anything to the household income. In fact, he's planning it that way, and if I can help out then it's a pleasant surprise. I have a lot of good things in my life, but I am frightened, and I am tired, and I am hurting, and I just need to cry out once in a while.

I have a friend, C, who is an amazing lady. She is the one who cleaned my house for me before the wedding, and I asked if she would be willing to do so on a regular basis if I compensate her in some way. She waved aside the compensation and is going to be doing it out of the goodness of her heart. What a doll.

That, though, is a mixed blessing... for while it shows the awesome and wonderful people that are around me, supporting me and helping me cope with life in chronic pain... it also shows how far I've fallen. I can't even clean my own house anymore! And it seems so silly that something so small can send me into tears (I'm crying right now, actually), but it's just like... everything that used to be normal and familiar is gone. I don't know what to do with myself. I used to be so independent. I hate having to rely on others for so much, and I just feel so terribly useless.

The girl who hates to impose on others... is now brought to the point of needing help to clean her own apartment. It just makes me so sad... and so mad... because it's not like I asked for this. I didn't do anything. It just happened to me, and now I have to cope with this. It's like a giant cosmic prank, except there's no punchline or restitution... just the awful reality of a helpless, crippled life.

And this is what I'm staring down as I look four months into the future at this massage therapy program. If I am not capable of mopping my own floor without bringing paroxysms of pain and crippling fatigue upon myself for an undetermined period of time, how can I possibly hope to make it through this stressful, intense program? I know what stress does to me, and I know what physical overexertion does to my body...

...so maybe it's time to let that dream go?

It's hard for me to even consider that. I feel like a failure, a quitter, a flake, even contemplating it. After all this time, after all the noise I've made about becoming a massage therapist... how can I walk away from it? How many times am I going to have to quit something because of my poor health? This wouldn't be the first time. Am I just not trying hard enough? Am I not tough enough? Or will my life be a series of false starts and half finished projects? That's what it feels like when I walk away from something I've decided to do.

But maybe my path really does lie somewhere else. Maybe that dream's purpose was to bring me here, where I would meet C and work with the HJ and all the other stuff I've done. Maybe the purpose of the dream was not to be fulfilled, but to lead. Or maybe it's a "not yet" scenario. It will happen... but not yet.

So I'm starting to consider what else I can do with myself this fall besides school, besides the massage therapy program. Maybe that store I dream about. Maybe the HJ full time. Maybe something else entirely. I really don't know right now.

I would love to end this on a note of hope, because I do feel optimistic... I know that it will all work out, one way or another... but I also don't want to force cheerfulness. I am sad. I am confused. I am frightened. And that's okay. Because I'm also not giving up. I'll hang in there... one breath at a time. That's all I can do right now.

An unfortunate milestone today...

First time having to use a walking aide at home, to get from room to room.

Bleh.

It's okay, though. We're working on this. It may be getting worse, but it WILL get better! It will! (...Right?)

I Am A: True Neutral Human Ranger (4th Level)

Ability Scores:
Strength-12
Dexterity-10
Constitution-8
Intelligence-13
Wisdom-13
Charisma-15

Alignment:
True Neutral A true neutral character does what seems to be a good idea. He doesn't feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good vs. evil or law vs. chaos. Most true neutral characters exhibit a lack of conviction or bias rather than a commitment to neutrality. Such a character thinks of good as better than evil-- after all, he would rather have good neighbors and rulers than evil ones. Still, he's not personally committed to upholding good in any abstract or universal way. Some true neutral characters, on the other hand, commit themselves philosophically to neutrality. They see good, evil, law, and chaos as prejudices and dangerous extremes. They advocate the middle way of neutrality as the best, most balanced road in the long run. True neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you act naturally, without prejudice or compulsion. However, true neutral can be a dangerous alignment when it represents apathy, indifference, and a lack of conviction.

Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Class:
Rangers are skilled stalkers and hunters who make their home in the woods. Their martial skill is nearly the equal of the fighter, but they lack the latter's dedication to the craft of fighting. Instead, the ranger focuses his skills and training on a specific enemy, a type of creature he bears a vengeful grudge against and hunts above all others. Rangers often accept the role of protector, aiding those who live in or travel through the woods. His skills allow him to move quietly and stick to the shadows, especially in natural settings, and he also has special knowledge of certain types of creatures. Finally, an experienced ranger has such a tie to nature that he can actually draw on natural power to cast divine spells, much as a druid does, and like a druid he is often accompanied by animal companions. A ranger's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

Well, I done did it. I got weddinged yesterday!

We spent the night in a REALLY nice hotel room, and I'm glad. It was nice to basically just collapse, and the bed was super, super comfy. It was a good sleep, and I'm grateful.

I'll post more about the wedding and the getting ready for it and all that later.

Now? I'm basically totally lacking motivation and/or... motivation. lol. Really though, this past week took it out of me in a big way, especially the last few days. My brain was totally gone by yesterday.

Plus, tonight is the last night my family is in town, so I'm gonna chill with them for a while.

My husband (!) will probably just stay at home and play Starcraft-- his version of vegging and recuperating. To each their own...