Yeah, I did it. I wrote him an email.

I needed to let him know that I'm not coming back to work in the shop after the summer.

I prayed over it... I hope it came out okay.

"Hey B!

Greetings from California. (You know, it’s actually not as bad as I thought it’d be. It’s starting to grow on me.) I hear that you all have been having awfully cold weather up there, so I’m pretty glad I took off when I did!

How is racquetball going? It hasn’t died out yet, I trust... since I’ve been talking to people who still go. (I HOPE it doesn’t die out! I’m gonna need to get back into the swing of things when I get back. Get it? Swing? lol.) And did you guys ever actually go to the hot springs down by the G’s place? I know the group was pretty stoked about that.

I do need to let you know that you should put out a “help wanted” sign for after K leaves. I’m going to be honest with you- the situation that developed before I left for CA was really awkward, and I don’t feel comfortable working in the shop anymore. That doesn’t mean that youth group is out, but I think we were just spending too much time together. Sorry to change plans on you like that.

I hope all is going well in Idaho. I miss the scenery quite a bit, and the church, too! Can you pass on my greetings to the church family? Thanks.

Have a great day!

C"

Yeah... I just hope that I wasn't seriously, totally reading something into his words and actions that wasn't there. (When there's not an explicit admission of interest, you just never really know, I guess...)

I'm excited.

I get to talk to D tonight.

Whoo!

Okay. I'm done.

So this morning I was reading about how God allows problems in our lives to drive us closer to him, to increase the intimacy between us (so long as we see them as blessings and actually turn to him because of them).


My first thought was, How selfish.


Seriously. I mean, abusive parents (or abusers in general) do the same thing- they hurt the kid to keep them close. It doesn't sound like it makes much sense on paper, but it has a twisted logic to it. The abused child either has all sense of worth beaten down and out of them, so they are dependent upon the abuser for a sense of value, or they are extremely loyal to their abuser (it's rather complex, that one), or they are simply fearful and complacent. Either way, it keeps the child subdued and under control, and every instance of abuse drives the child deeper into whatever route they've taken for survival.


(And then you have those rebellious ones with the indomitable will to live, but they totally don't fit into my analogy at this point.)


This is the thought process streaming through my mind. God... are you selfish? Seriously, why would you hurt us, just so that we'll depend on you? That's pretty messed up.


And it would be, if God had never done one crucial thing.


Jesus.


As I'm pondering this thought (a disturbing thought- it has the potential to totally rock my faith to the core!!), I came across these verses:
"For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life.  Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead, who delivered us from so great a death, and does deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us;" (2 Corinthians 1:8-10)


Aha! I had forgotten about salvation! You see, it's not all about this life, what we're experiencing right now. There's a greater picture, a bigger drama, going on behind the scenes that we often know nothing about.


And, most importantly, Jesus had to do the exact same thing- dealing with troubles, taking them as opportunities to get closer to his Father.


God is not selfish. He doesn't sit comfortably in the sky and zap down discomfort to us under the guise of "helping" us. He went through torture for our welfare. He knows exactly what it's like to have trials and troubles and not enough money and too much work and friends that die and, yes, physical pain.


It would indeed be selfish if he had never experienced it, if he were somehow removed from the situation. But he's not. He is YAHWEH- "I will be to you all that I am". He is Emmanuel- "God with us".


He's intensely interested and intimately involved in every scene of our life.


No... God is not selfish. If he's anything else, he's not that.

I received a letter in the mail today. It had no return address, but the note said this:

("Cassie: I won't give you Santa back until you give me one million cookies. Lemon & ginger. The tongue is proof that he's still alive. -Santa Napper")

Enclosed was a tongue.
The Santa Tongue.


So here's the story. I attended a Christian Academy my senior year, along with my friend A. We both lived in the dorm, along with a mutual friend AL, who was A's roommate.

It was near Christmas time, and the dorm was aglow with festivities. One thing I quickly found out (being new to academy life) was that, on a particular night, the senior girls would stay up all night to decorate the dorm with appropriately-themed doodads. Well... that's not all we did.

The decorating lasted until the wee hours of the night, but after that came the pranks. We dashed, crept, giggled, and slithered our way around the dorm halls, tying the peacefully slumbering occupant's doors together with anything we could find- rope, string, pantyhose, etc. Then, we raised a ruckus that would raise the dead (it was almost like trying to!) to summon the heretofore snoozing girls to a donut and hot chocolate feast in the kitchen. They tried to come out, bless their little hearts... and we had mercy on them (after a while).

Well, after all that excitement simmered down, A, AL and I realized that we really only had a few more hours until we had to get ready for classes. What was the point of going to bed? We might as well stay up... And that's where Santa came in.

For some unknown reason that is lost in the chronicles of time, the dorm storage room had a dancing Santa tucked away, and it had become a dorm tradition that Santa would hide in various odd places throughout the holiday season. (No doubt to increase Christmas spirit.)

This is what Santa looked like... except he had no legs. Seriously.

And it wasn't enough to just hide Santa in strategically frightening locations. Somehow, before the night was over, we had 3 or 4 movies about The Attack of the Santa. They are hilarious, I assure you!

But the tongue! What of the tongue?!

We thought the Santa was pretty gross. To emphasize his grossness and creepiness, he needed... something. Then A (or AL- they were roommates) remembered AL's sparkly, Christmas-bulb decorations! The bulb was fetched, and Santa sprouted a tongue.

I haven't seen those videos in years, but the memory of that night's fun has lived on... especially when I opened an innocent letter... and found Santa's tongue.

(Some of the places we hid Santa, by the way, include (but are not limited to) the bathroom stall, the shower stall, my roommate's closet, the kitchen, etc. You should have heard the shrieks of terror! It was glorious.)

"Don't be so hard on yourself. I can bring good even out of your mistakes. Your finite mind tends to look backward, longing to undo decisions you have come to regret. This is a waste of time and energy, leading only to frustration. Instead of floundering in the past, release your mistakes to Me. Look to Me in trust, anticipating that My infinite creativity can weave both good choices and bad into a lovely design.


Because you are human, you will continue to make mistakes. Thinking that you should live an error-free life is symptomatic of pride. Your failures can be a source of blessing, humbling you and giving you empathy for other people in their weaknesses. Best of all, failure highlights your dependence on Me. I am able to bring beauty out of the morass of your mistakes. Trust Me, and watch to see what I will do."
(Romans 8:28; Micah 7:7)

Hmm. Really? Pride, huh? I don't know, God... I still don't want to make mistakes, period. Even if you can turn them into something beautiful.

But I will. I will trust you, and watch to see what you do.

This is dumb.

Every time the phone rings, I hope it's him.

Stop it.

I refuse to be another one of those dumb, smitten, infatuated girls who don't have a life outside of their boyfriends.

But I sure talk about him an awful lot. I console myself with the thought that it's because this is all so new and I'm still trying to figure things out.

Can I just not like my boyfriend anymore? Is that legal? Are you allowed to date and not like the other person? It's just so that I don't act stupid.

I'm frustrated with myself for my ambivalence.

I'm done talking about this.

This is dumb.

I had a really nice Sabbath. H took me to the Spanish church she was speaking at, and I made an announcement about CCF, and I asked who would like brochures. Well, I had taken in a fat stack, and they wiped me out! I had to go back for more, and then I only had 5 left to leave in the foyer! :) Anyway, that makes me feel good... like I’ve made up for my previous apparent incompetence.

After church, H and I made stir fry and tapioca pudding for lunch, then took a hike and sat in the hills in the sun for several hours. She studied, and I read a book. It was very soothing... except for the tick attack I endured. I hate ticks, and this one kept coming back, and back, and I couldn’t kill it, until finally I did. Then we came home, juiced oranges into fresh juice, made popcorn and toast, and watched a video to end the Sabbath. It was so restful and lovely! It was definitely one of the best Sabbaths I’ve had in a long time. I typically don’t feel that it’s a very special day- I know it is intellectually, but it’s hardly ever any different than my other days. This one was different, though. It was actually a day of rest, even though we still did stuff. I don’t know how to explain it, really. But I enjoyed myself. I’m looking forward to next Sabbath.

And... that was pretty much it. D left on the ferry for A tonight. I didn’t talk to him, but we had already talked about it, so I know it’s happening. And the S’s should be in M by now. So it’s good, I guess. I just wish we weren’t all so far apart, you know? 

Time for sleep. I’m sure I’ll sleep well, after that hike. :)