Teenager again?

It's so strange to be filled with this overwhelming feeling of nostalgia, as if I am overflowing with a past sense of myself. I swear that these past few days, I've been transported to my years as a teenager. I couldn't say why, absolutely cannot put my finger on it, but… I still feel like that old ghost of myself, wandering around empty halls in search of…?

It could be the crazed nightmares, the fact that Corey is gone and not around "all the time" like he is normally. That's quite reminiscent of my teen years. Most of my dreams have been about lack or loss of control, about danger and physical harm and incidences of great stress. Could be that I feel a little lost, a lot exhausted, very unsure of things and myself and just plain done. Tired of being an adult, so I regress?

It's strange, falling asleep at 8 pm because I'm wiped (again, and after being awake only a few hours) and waking up at 1 am, shuffling out to the familiar scents of my own home but feeling disoriented, empty and weepy somehow, as though disaster has struck elsewhere and yet I'm still affected.

I'm wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, watching Dirty Dancing for comfort. Something about the music and the sight of Patrick Swayze grinding his hips every which way is soothing ;)

I have this sort of premonition feeling that this trip I'm taking in a day or two is going to be important for me, personally, for my personal growth somehow. I haven't really gone off on my own since I got really sick, so that could be part of this strange feeling and the anticipation/loneliness that I'm feeling.

I tell you, it is just strange to feel a decade younger again all of a sudden… especially when that past self and current self are overflowing with a sense of… um… whatever it is? Above and through it all, though, is the same sense I had as a teenager, and that is a desperate and deep craving to be loved intensely and obviously, wholly and completely, in a way that makes me feel totally safe and surrounded, like a song or a movie. Totally unrealistic I'm sure, but the craving is still there (and probably exacerbated by a month plus of celibacy). And it's been there my whole life, the stage of uncertainty set by abuse and neglect and a casual indifference of my specialness. So we're back to that, and I hope this time to move through it with strength and purpose, or at least just an awareness.

I really don't care to be a teenager again. Too much uncertainty. It's funny how we pretend that it goes away when we become adults. I don't think it ever does, really… Heh.

2 thoughts:

  • Catherine | November 2, 2014 at 11:05 PM

    You express yourself beautifully and in a way it feels like you are mirroring how I've been feeling. I so hope your trip goes well and that you get some clarity. I know how important it is to feel fully loved, special, desired. I have such a hard time with wanting that constantly and not being able to see when I have it.

    I loved Dirty Dancing as a kid. I also am so glad I'm not a teenager anymore. Ugh...bad days. xox


  • Anonymous | November 3, 2014 at 2:53 AM

    Patrick Swayze hip-grinding to good classic music is incredibly comforting = P

    The biggest difference between your teenage years and more is that your circle of living friends and family has grown so much. Not that what you had back in the day wasn't enough, but that more has been added and we're here for you, Chickadee. We love you, and you're going to be okay. Maybe not today our tomorrow, but you will be. And we'll still be right there with you when that day comes.

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