I've spent the last hour or so putting together (and editing the track info on every track for accuracy) a playlist for travel. I dislike radio stations because you have no control over what they play--and all three of the stations in Yuma suck--and they inevitably cut out into annoying static somewhere throughout the journey. When traveling with Corey, he always has his phone or usb with tons of good music, but he is rarely my driver because of work. My plan is to burn several cd's, however many it takes to fit this playlist on, and keep them in my little GPS bag so that I will have them whenever I am traveling, because I always take my GPS with me on out of town trips, even if it's the same destination that I've been to every month for the past year. Just in case. Detours, and all that. Plus it finds restaurants and other stuff! Best Christmas present ever. Seriously. It's been so practical and useful! And I don't have to finagle trying to borrow my grandparent's GPS any longer.

Putting together the playlist has me listening to songs that I haven't listened to in the better part of a year, thanks to my discovery of Pandora and Youtube playlists. I haven't relied on my iTunes library in quite some time, but it was nice to discover favorite songs again. The interesting thing is that I started going through my old Christian Rock/Praise collection again, and I felt things… it was just very interesting.

Listening to my old Alternative Christian Rock brought back all the warm fuzzies from my time in Idaho, which is when I began listening to it and collecting various tracks and artists. It's kinda weird to feel the rushing tingle of whatever it is I'm feeling, but I just feel wrapped up in a warm hug, almost, when I hear certain songs. I think a lot of the powerful effect they have on me is that they are heavily associated with a lot of the work I was doing to confront my abuse and to break free of my crippling depression, so I feel that same jolt of self-affirmation and power that comes with really trying to better myself and my circumstances. That whole time period of 2 or 3 years, however long it was… it was difficult beyond all reason at times (a lot of times), but I also made more breakthroughs and developed myself personally more than I ever had before in my life. I really think it was the time I spent in Idaho and the summer in LA that gave me the backbone and strength I needed to face life with multiple degenerative chronic illnesses. I learned my own strength and intelligence, my charisma and ability to love and be loved. It was necessary preparation for not just the next phase of my life, which included college and my work with The Healing Journey and getting married, but for the rest of my life. My time at Bible college, SOULS West, was more of a test of my stubborn resilience, and without SOULS I never would have gone to Idaho like I did. I got a job offer from the Conference up there as a Bible worker (which I thoroughly hated, as much as I hated canvassing, but I can't deny the skills I honed through both of those occupations), and thus I was connected to the Adventist community where I lived in a way that I could not and would not have achieved any other way.

While I no longer hold to the beliefs that I struggled to adhere to in those days, I still get that rush of pleasant feelings when I hear the music of those days. When I first felt it, I questioned a little whether it was perhaps dormant beliefs rearing their heads? But no. When I listened to the lyrics, though, I thought that, yeah, it must be nice to believe in your ultimate importance in the grand scheme of things, to believe that there is more to life than meets the eye… and I believe that there is, but not in the Christian scope of things. Not anymore. Maybe if I hadn't gotten bold enough to start examining the questions and thoughts that I'd always buried before, lost in the flurry of religious activity and constant motion, then I'd still be a member of the church in some way or another, even though I probably wouldn't make it to church super often these days. I admit to missing the camaraderie of a unified culture, the instant connection with other Adventists due to common belief. How could I not? It gets lonely here, with only cats for company. Yet I don't have the energy or will-power to overcome the pain and seek out other company, so maybe it's for the best. Talking to people is really exhausting.

I saw the geneticist at the end of last month, and my rheumatologist earlier this week. At the advice of the geneticist, I quit taking Vitamin C supplements because I didn't see any difference or help from them. She said to note carefully if I did feel any different upon quitting, and to start up again if I noticed a benefit to me. Well… they were doing more than I realized. A few days to a week after leaving off the C, my pain levels skyrocketed to what they had been back in the bad old days, before I had found proper help for my pain. Even with the strong medication I'd been given, I have been in agony for the past week. It's been awful, so awful. It's not just pain, it's a painful burning within the bones and concentrated in the joints, like they are filled with napalm and brimming over into my muscles… I've had to use my walker to creep around the house this whole week. Thankfully, my fatigue has increased with the pain so that I am sleeping just as much as before, if not more, which means that I am insensible to the pain consciously, though I definitely still feel it. I know, because sometimes I wake myself up with moans that sound remarkably like the lowing of a cow. Go figure. Having figured out that it was most likely the lack of extra Vitamin C that caused this dramatic change (because nothing else is different), I began supplementing again about two days ago. I'm noticing some little bit of change for the better; not much, but any relief is something to shout from the rooftops about. Yes, it was that bad. I have no idea how I managed to visit the rheumatologist all the way across the state in such a state. I am certain that I will continue to improve, though I can't say at what rate, and I feel that this experience may have knocked me down a step or two permanently. Alas. It was an important revelation, however. What about Vit. C prevents the burning in my bones and joints, the pain that pervades every single nerve fiber in a flaming gout of misery? I don't know, but I do know that I will never allow myself to run short, ever. This extra amount of pain is the reason for my increased presence on my blog, however. It's been that and reading-- distraction of the mind. Anything to not focus entirely on my agony.

Speaking of the rheum, it was a fairly productive appointment. I informed him of my ever increasing back pain, the pain due to the injury I gave myself during my last bout of narcoleptic-like sleep attacks. I fell asleep while standing at my dresser, taking my meds, and then I fell backwards completely prone and hit my head on the metal frame of the bed. There was nothing I could do to stop myself when I woke up halfway through the fall. I hurt my head, of course, but I also jammed my back somehow when I landed on the hard floor like a piece of bread butter-side-down. When I went to my chiropractor, he said that I had 3 or 4 vertebrae all jammed in together. I've seen him a few times since then, and had several massages, hoping to heal it like I did the subluxated ribs that I got in the hospital about a year ago. It's even the same place that hurts. :( This time it's the spine, primarily, though the ribs are also affected. Mer. Anyway, Dr. S ordered an X-ray, which we both agreed would be the best thing. He could have gone with an MRI, but I asked him to go the cheap route.

As an aside, I worked the numbers recently, just in my head, and I realized that I need a minimum of $400 a month to cover my very basic medical bills and prescriptions and travel costs. That is pretty discouraging to me, especially as I was denied disability again and the only way I can pay that is to beg my dads for money. I hate doing that… which is why I have this low-grade feeling of desperation bubbling through my core at all times, though it increases to a high boil whenever I have to pay any bills outside of that.

Anyway… I shared with Dr. S that I had been denied disability again, and he was incredulous. I told him what the letters said, and he responded with a slightly indignant, "But you have EDS, and you have it bad. I mean, you really have it bad!" That was both slightly discouraging and affirming. I keep hoping for a spontaneous recovery, but my better sense tells me that this won't be the case, especially as my diagnosis list on my rheumatology paperwork still lists Dysautonomia and Inflammatory Polyarthritis as confirmed diagnoses, in addition to all of the endocrine diseases and other fun stuff. I really am amazed at how stubborn I was in previous years, insisting on finishing Bible college despite severe illness of a then-unknown nature… and college classes… and work at the Healing Journey… I really did a lot before my body caved in and became more helpless than before. When I think about all I accomplished (especially all of the backpacking and camping and other achievements from my time in Idaho), I am very proud of myself. I really am a tough chick!

Dr. S ordered several blood tests in addition to the back X-ray which I was able to knock out that day before I went home, but I have to go in for an ultrasound of the hands when I'm in Tucson next. My next visit will include the ultrasounds, a visit to Dr. L, my geneticist, and Dr. R, my cardiologist. Oh hey, did I mention that I've started Physical Therapy? Yes, I have a therapist coming to my home to get me started on a home exercise program. I had to cancel the last appointment, because I was in the throes of my increased pain and fatigue, plus the previous appointment had come right at the threshold of my slipping into old pain-types, and we had definitely over-done it. I am finally recuperated from that visit, but it's been almost a week. She has only 3 more visits she's allowed to make (stupid insurance), but I'm doing pretty well on my own. She just wants to show me what I can progress to, in time, but we are starting very slow and small for now. It does feel good to be working my muscles again, beyond my daily evening walk. Takes me back to my Acrosports days, in a way. I know that by a lot of people's standards these exercises would hardly be "pushing it", but for me and where my body is right now, it is definitely pushing it. It's a good opportunity for me to continue learning how to determine my limits and quit when I need to… despite my urge to keep going. Modified crunches have nothing to do with my worth, but it's hard to believe that thought sometimes, especially when I remember what I used to accomplish. I've fallen pretty far… It's not my fault, though. These are just the consequences of my faulty genes, and I'm making the best of it.

Really, considering how physically miserable I am most of the time, life is actually pretty good. My marriage is doing fine. In fact, things feel better lately than they have for a long time. In another post, I'll talk about the Masquerade Party that we went to, and all the fun stuff connected to it. It's time I ate a little something, took my meds, and surrendered to sleep yet again. Good night, all. (Or morning, if that's where  you're at.)

…now you don't.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. There's no other way to describe it as accurately and succinctly.

April was a hard month. Lots of pain that just wouldn't be budged, increased sleep walking, further weakness and increased discouragement and depression… and all that after getting my wisdom teeth out the month before. I cannot pinpoint a specific time that things turned for the worse, but that's always the case isn't it?

Nothing, though, nothing could have prepared me for the experience of this past week. I have trouble when I'm particularly weary with full body muscle spasms that jerk me around like I'm having a seizure, and I also have a tendency to fall into a half-sleep that's deep enough to dream a little but not awake enough to know that the situations are fictitious. I end up with these conversations I've had with other people, but they turn out to be one-sided. It's quite embarrassing, actually.

This week, I've had a lot of fantasy conversations, but more than that… I've begun hallucinating again. Auditory hallucinations are commonplace for me, and have been my whole life. I tend to hear music playing that no one else can hear but me, wherever I'm at. Visual hallucinations started as a child as well, because I remember distinctly having to take naps in my step-grandparent's spare bedroom on Sabbath afternoons, but I hated nap time so much because I was at least 6 or 7 and I wanted to be up and reading or something! The walls were covered with portraits of family members throughout the years, as bunches or singles. As I lay there in the afternoon half-light that filtered through the drawn curtains, I had nothing to do but stare at the photos and watch as they talked to one another. Their lips would move, heads turning, facial expressions would change; full blown conversations were going on, but I didn't know to read lips so I couldn't follow along. There was no way I could tell anyone about that, ever, because I knew that it would sound super crazy and the line of success/dysfunction that my family crept along was tenuous, at best. I didn't want to be made fun of or told that I was crazy, so I kept it to myself. I finally told my psychiatrist this past year, though.

And now we come to my current dysfunctions, the ones that are giving me so much trouble and leaving me questioning my own senses. In truth, the problems are much the same, but now they're the adult version, having apparently grown up alongside me.

One of the big problems with my diseases is the fatigue. Sometimes I deal with insomnia, but more often than not I sleep more than the average person is supposed to need to. When my mind is fuzzy with fatigue it is much easier to space out, but when I come to I remember snippets and snatches of conversations… or thought sequences… or were they dreams? Yeah. Dreams. That's gotta be it. And so it goes.

What will happen is that if a friend says something, I will formulate a response in my head, and then they'll answer, and I build the experience on the back and forth that comes next. Only… lately, I've been actually hearing what before used to be just thoughts in my head. And when that conversation is playing in my head (the one that stopped being relevant about 20 seconds prior) I join in with my retorts and comments, of course! To the other person, it seems as though I'm just spouting gibberish and nonsense, which, to be fair, is the truth when you can't hear the other side of the conversation. For instance: Drogo was playing a computer game he purchased through Steam called Elite: Dangerous. It's about space, but it's really well done and I love watching him play it. Yesterday, however, while I was watching him attack another ship in the particular solar system he was occupying, I noticed that there was some kind of theme music that seemed to "caption" each shot he laid on the other ship with a funny taunt laid out to a simple tune. (I don't remember any of this, just a few moments here and there.) I laughed at the awesome lyrics and said something about how I loved the captions to his shots, and he looked at me very strangely. I was like, "There is a song playing right now that emphasizes the shots your getting off… right?" Well, no. No there wasn't. And throughout this past week I have been hearing more and more things that aren't there.

I'll hear Corey say something and without really processing it my brain will formulate a response that just tumbles on out… and makes, like, zero sense. It's a lot like playing "Telephone", except that the other person has no idea that they're playing or indeed what they said in the first place! Often I'll jerk myself awake out of a doze because my body is trying to physically imitate what my shallow dream has me doing, like eating ice cream maybe, or handing a stack of paper to someone, petting the cat, whatever. The physical action has loud noises or words that accompany it, and the combo of those will jerk me awake so that I can try to play it off as myself coughing or rolling over or something hide, but a split second later and I'll be off chasing the White Rabbit again. Even if I'm awake, I can find myself grabbing for whatever is bothering me without realizing I've even done it yet, or suddenly breathing hard and blinking rapidly to jerk myself out of doze mode and back to the present.

The visual hallucinations, well, it's that moving picture thing again for certain. There are no portraits on the walls of my home, but there are plenty of other things to distract my eye. Generally, it is the movement of stationary things, like shadows scooting across the floor or at the outsides of my vision, sometimes right in front of me; spots of dirt or some-such, even the natural patterns in the walls or tile take on movement and writhe like small insects. There doesn't even have to be a pattern to it when all of a sudden a dark blot of movement streaks by your thigh, and  by the time you look over it's already long gone. Or how about seeing the blankets themselves move of their own volition right at the back corner of your vision, only to find them stationary when you whirl to look. Let me tell you, it is freaky when all of a sudden you think you're surrounded by bugs! Ticks and ants and other creepy crawly things! Aaaaugh! I'm always relieved to see the truth of that one. Another common one is thinking that I see one of the cats walk past and then be obscured by the table, but when I go to look at that corner there, it's empty. No cat there. Gahhh. Y'know, maybe I'm not crazy. Maybe my cats are just ninjas!!! Occam's Razor. Yep. That's got to be the answer, then. :P

Yesterday was bad. Like, bad bad. I was very actively hallucinating, more than I ever have before, visually, audibly, and with sensation on my skin as well. That one is common, but it never ceases to be startling when you suddenly feel drops of scalding water or ice water flick against your skin for no reason, or when you are positive that there is a bug crawling on your arm/leg/toe/face/etc. I am definitely going to be bringing this up to my psychiatrist tomorrow, but there are some other physical symptoms that I feel are connected somehow and are giving me just as much trouble as the hallucinations but are more alarming. My eyes… for some reason, they'll just stop focusing, and everything gets blurry, especially anything from the end of arm's length toward me. Can't read, can't write, can't tell which pill bottle is which sometimes… It's terrifying. Each time I wonder if that will be the time it lasts, that my vision won't revert. I don't know what to make of it at all. Frequently I will be struck with what I have dubbed "eye seizures", which is where my eyes won't focus right, but they're still mostly in focus. My vision simply shakes from side to side and prevents me from latching on to a more distant focal point. Eye seizures are for further distance, and the unfocusable eyes are impossible for

The next problem I'm having is that my legs will just collapse beneath me. As I mentioned before, I do sleepwalk, more and more intensely these days, and it has been while sleepwalking that I've noticed the most collapsing. More so this past week, however, Friday being the worst of it, I have a split second's warning that my legs are about to give way when I feel this pulsing throb of weakness that shoots through my entire being. As the spasm of weakness passes, my legs buckle after the apex and I must clutch something, anything to keep me upright. Even then it's not pleasant, for my heart is pounding, I feel weak and exhausted in every inch of me, and my chest is tight while my heart hammers away. Sometimes there's chest pain, sometimes no, but always it feels like a dark balloon expanding within my chest, and once it pops a thick, sludgy wave washes through me and pulls me to the floor. Dizziness explodes behind my eyes and the room swims around me in crooked, clumsy laps.

Even as I type, I am struggling with some of these things. The dizziness, the throb of weakness and pounding heart, the rapid drift back into dozing only to be woken up again and again. I snap awake, limbs shaking and heart pounding, eyes blinking rapidly and looking around for context clues as to where I am.  My lungs pull in the sharp, short breaths of one who has forgotten to breathe just a bit too long. My head jerks around, the ratchet movement keeping me awake for the moment, my outstretched hands moving likewise, rapid but aimless, as I find myself trying to grasp for a literal lifeline. The searing moment of clarity is driven into my skull like a railroad spike, but I know that all too soon I will be adrift upon the shallow, troubled waters of this unsatisfactory sleep.

Also, as a side note, I just want to mention that my mouth is all kinds of ulcerated and painful on the inside; sores on my tongue, roof of the mouth, cheeks; abrasions and tender and inflamed areas that leave me clenching my jaw in pain when anything other than water passes through my lips. My glands have been swollen for a week or more. I cannot feel much in the skin from my cheekbones down to my collarbones. It is cold, and it is numbed, though I know not how. My memory is absolutely shot. I lose track of sentences while I am speaking, fumbling to a stop because I'm not sure how I wanted to end it, much less what the idea I was trying to convey was. I finally got my first menstrual cycle since December, which had me freaking out and hoping I wasn't pregnant and that the tests I took weren't faulty. I think I really scared Corey yesterday with my inability to remain standing and the severity of my hallucinations. Sometimes I can play it off like I'm talking to the cats, but usually not so much.

Oh! I broke my phone last night. See, the twitches aren't just about my legs jerking around as if they'd been hit with the rubber reflex mallet. That's part of it, but another, much bigger problem is that I will be holding something normally, say a mug of tea or a bowl of cereal, but suddenly my entire arm with jerk wildly and I now have hot tea all down my front, or a puddle of cereal and milk in my lap. It sounds funny to read, I know, but in actual practice? It sucks. Do you have any idea how many times I had to start the washer recently?! Too many. Anyway, yesterday I picked up my phone from the couch, and bam! Arm and hand jerked, my (admittedly ghetto) phone flew to the tile flooring in a very direct manner, and it broke in half, exposing the guts. Later that night I figured it out (still not sure how, really), and while I'll need another phone, I still have this one… even if it is being held together with black electrician's tape ;)

So that, my friends, is what is going on with me right now. I don't know where the boundaries of reality and fantasy intersect anymore, and I genuinely feel like I might be losing my hold on reality. Seriously… how scary is that?! All I know is that I keep resurfacing, gasping for breath and shaking my head rapidly to clear it. It works for a few microts, but it's scary as hell because down, down, down I go as soon as I'm not actively forcing myself awake. Even so, there are times that doesn't work either. How can I trust anything anymore when I can no longer rely on my 5 senses to guide me? Funny how the brain is so powerful, but not powerful enough that it can escape when turned upon itself, eh?

It's so strange to be filled with this overwhelming feeling of nostalgia, as if I am overflowing with a past sense of myself. I swear that these past few days, I've been transported to my years as a teenager. I couldn't say why, absolutely cannot put my finger on it, but… I still feel like that old ghost of myself, wandering around empty halls in search of…?

It could be the crazed nightmares, the fact that Corey is gone and not around "all the time" like he is normally. That's quite reminiscent of my teen years. Most of my dreams have been about lack or loss of control, about danger and physical harm and incidences of great stress. Could be that I feel a little lost, a lot exhausted, very unsure of things and myself and just plain done. Tired of being an adult, so I regress?

It's strange, falling asleep at 8 pm because I'm wiped (again, and after being awake only a few hours) and waking up at 1 am, shuffling out to the familiar scents of my own home but feeling disoriented, empty and weepy somehow, as though disaster has struck elsewhere and yet I'm still affected.

I'm wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, watching Dirty Dancing for comfort. Something about the music and the sight of Patrick Swayze grinding his hips every which way is soothing ;)

I have this sort of premonition feeling that this trip I'm taking in a day or two is going to be important for me, personally, for my personal growth somehow. I haven't really gone off on my own since I got really sick, so that could be part of this strange feeling and the anticipation/loneliness that I'm feeling.

I tell you, it is just strange to feel a decade younger again all of a sudden… especially when that past self and current self are overflowing with a sense of… um… whatever it is? Above and through it all, though, is the same sense I had as a teenager, and that is a desperate and deep craving to be loved intensely and obviously, wholly and completely, in a way that makes me feel totally safe and surrounded, like a song or a movie. Totally unrealistic I'm sure, but the craving is still there (and probably exacerbated by a month plus of celibacy). And it's been there my whole life, the stage of uncertainty set by abuse and neglect and a casual indifference of my specialness. So we're back to that, and I hope this time to move through it with strength and purpose, or at least just an awareness.

I really don't care to be a teenager again. Too much uncertainty. It's funny how we pretend that it goes away when we become adults. I don't think it ever does, really… Heh.

You know how you just get attached to certain albums and you listen to them so much that you can't think of that period in your life without hearing those songs in your head? It's like having Muzak for your memories. Lately I've had a certain album playing on repeat in my head, and it got me to thinking about the other albums I listened to religiously during those same years. There were a few that really stand out, ones that I listened to so much that I know every vocal nuance and waver, every chord change, every beat of the drum. Here's a sampling of the soundtrack to Cassie: The Teen Years.

She screams like a banshee,

voicing her wind-whipped sorrow

Howls of pain, rage claw their way

from her throat with cholla thorns

She funnels the ground in desperate agony

against herself, against nature

She wails a death song, a love song;

Life music, blood music

And then she's gone

in a swirl of rainhair and teeth and claws

Disappeared as soon and silently

as she came.

This is it. We're on retreat.
The summer is over.

*Note: I spent the summer training high school/college students how to sell Christian literature door to door ("canvassing/colporteuring") and working with them in the field. We lived together (in a church), ate together, slept together, studied together, worked together… so by the end of the summer you either loved or hated those around you.*

I'll be seeing my SOULS-ers in 4, maybe 5 days. The excitement is deep, not surfacing yet. If it did, I would explode.

then, I'm somehow going to get to Y to spend a blissful few weeks ministering on the home front. (Lord, lead me. I've never really done ministry outside of a program.)

Then, the trial. Yep, it's a sure thing. The judge called for no more delays! I guess he's tired of this whole thing, too. Sept. 4th is the starting date, so I have to get things squared away w/classes and RA stuff and all that. Sept. 4th is the 1st day of classes, I think. Perhaps I'll drive up for the orientation weekend, get the roommate stuff all taken care of, then drive back down Sunday?

After that, SOULS for the last year, then Big Books Leadership. From there? I have no idea.

SB came to retreat.

I knew he was on the east coast, yet I was looking forward to seeing him. Then I thought, "How dumb! He's in Boston. He's not going to fly to MI just to chill with us…" but he did. Said he was convicted on it. He and Iz spent yesterday afternoon talking, so I may be pulled aside for a chat today. Or maybe not. But I do like talking to the guy. His very presence challenges me to be better, to know more, to use what I already know and fit it into the big picture.

I've heard students talk about me. (Well, they did it right in front of me, so I couldn't help but hear them ^_^) Apparently, the Lord has used me this summer, and they've seen glimpses of Christ through me. (In me?)

Praise the good Lord.

The more time I spend as a leader, the more improbable it seems that God would use me, a humble, broken vessel. And yet, the more time I spend as a leader the more I realize that he has, in fact, used me in some small way. It's very humbling.

So anyway, I've decided, once more, to give everything to God and not worry about the outcome.

(Even my health, and my unruly heart.)

Awww, that's so sweet Mom… *wipes tear from eyes* Seriously, I did cry when I read that…

Gawd, so much has happened since I last wrote… H and I got together, then broke up, then got together again, then broke up again. I dyed my hair black and now people think I'm a witch… Could be because the front half of my hair I bleached blonde… who knows? I'm going tricolor next- red, black, and blonde/orange… hehe. Oh yeah, J and I broke up forever ago, but I still miss him like hell. I think I might have loved him. Funny thing-- I believe in love again. I didn't for a while, but I found out that I did all along. I think I was using the whole "don't believe in love" thing as an excuse not to get close to H. I still like him, but I think that subconsciously I knew I wouldn't be with him forever. I can see myself with J forever… But it's too little, too late. Ah well, c'est la vie.

It's weird, this month… J came to visit for my birthday (woohoo!)… Then all of a sudden-- wham! I have a bunch of guys expressing an interest in me! There's JS, from Algebra; C (asked for my e-addy) from Health; JD; H (of course); and A's brother A… What to do? What to do? Do I ride out the wave, or jump for a guy? I think I'll ride… You never know who might join the crowd.

Ok, well, I need a piggy, so more later… Oh yeah, I started smoking too… and got glasses..

Later in the day… round 2:30 am or so

Okay, back to my ponderings of love and lust. I've thought about it, and I've reached a conclusion-- yes, I might love J, but I do love H. It's not the aching love/lust that I have for J, it's something deeper… It's like, I don't know, this quiet sense of affection, I guess. I still get chills every time we kiss, but I seriously care about his well being. Ahh, it all sounds so stupid on paper. But H knows I like A… He says it's obvious, but he wouldn't tell me how. The punk. lol. He got all weird about it though… didn't make a big fuss about it, but something just didn't feel right. Heh, if only he knew how many guys I actually like! 7 or so… Yeah, that sounds about right. Anywho, it's bedtime now… It's been bedtime for a while heh.

Oh my baby…

Cassie, you are
Smarter than I was at your age (probably even right now), but without (lacking) the discipline your mother should have taught you and couldn't.

You are
more beautiful than I ever was at your age (the teen years are the worst)… You imagine you are fat and ugly, but as time passes, you will look back and see just how beautiful you really are.

No one knows the real you? You're right. It is easier to lie-- that is my legacy to you, that is what you learned from the life I brought you into. That's all I've known, too-- I go through so many guys because I want so much to be loved, but I come to a point where I'm afraid the real me will rear its ugly head and they will hate the real me. I have hope, though, that this book will help us both.

You are not so much of a screw-up. Yeah, you didn't keep the house perfect. Neither did I, nor any of the kids. Yeah, you're not doing so great in school. But you're not stupid.

It's not your job to take care of me, and I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I'm sorry I haven't been able to care for all of you enough to allow you to just be you. I love you, honey. I am proud of you-- the depressed you, the temper-tantrum-throwing baby you, the lazy you, the exercising you, the you that feels so unlovable and unworthy and untrusting.

I love you for all the good and bad you are, and I hope you come through this being the strong, intuitive person that I know you are.

Once so welcome,
                                     now shunned,
barbs of kindness that pierce my soul.

Once embraced,
                                   now feared,
inextricably twined with panic.

Once anticipated,
                                   now dreaded,
dread the explanation of numbed joy.

Once I had hoped,
                                  now I long,
long to return to yesteryear,

When joys were not yet realized,
When day stretched bright before me,
When the decay of premature hope did not
lie in monumental ruins across my soul,

when we were not…

                        Once… I dreamed.

Respiratory Infection, Day 2.

Yesterday I did a juice fast, and I was planning on fasting today, but I learned this week that the majority of the energy from your food goes into heat production. So, since I've got a fever, the wise thing to do would be to eat light food moderately, so my body has the energy to blaze this infection outta sight.

I got my period yesterday. Last time I can remember was sometime early to mid-summer… so it's been a couple months. I wonder… is my abnormal menstruation why I never got pregnant? If and when I do marry, will I be able to bear children? I guess that's something we'll have to talk about in pre-engagement.

By the by, I would just like to record (for the sake of posterity) that, as of the weekend before last, I finally began to "get over" C. I realized a.) I'd been holding onto that relationship in my heart, b.) There's no hope of us ever getting back together again, even if he does convert.

The b. realization was sparked by a convo with C (and influence by convos with B) about C. When she talked about his stubbornness and unwillingness to meet halfway, the sky began to lighten. When we talked about his life (which consists of work, TV, and vid/comp games), the sun broke the horizon. And as we discussed a certain situation where he had manipulated me into guilt to hide his lack of motivation, the dawn of truth broke full and clear. I realized… he's not someone I would date now. Why hang on to the memory of the relationship if I'd not go through it in the present?

Once I realized that there is no hope of us ever getting back together, I was able to let it go, like the thing with GM (which I sorely regret).

(Note: I find this hilarious, as we did get back together, get married, and I'm quite happy with the lifestyle we lead, and also with his stubbornness. Granted, we'll never live like mountain people in the country, but that's okay.)

Anyway, it's nice to be free of that.

Something happened inside me on the drive to SOULS. It was while I was contemplating the woman caught in adultery. I could identify with her so closely, I knew what happened to get her to where she was (abuse--SOP), and I knew exactly what was going on in her heart. I was her. So when Jesus said those word, "Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more, " he was speaking them to me. That's when I knew that healing was possible, and I don't have to be the way I am.

Upon further reflection, I've also realized that not only was he forgiving the action but all the thoughts and attitudes and sinful choices and habits that had led her to that point. Go and sin no more is not only a "command", or expectation, but a promise!

And those words, "neither do I condemn thee" meant that he loved her… me. Not for her body, or what he could get from her, or because she was an over-achieving superstar. He just… loved her.

Why?

Because she is his own creation. She's his image… like a father with a child. That child is his… and he loves it.

Yeah, that's what happened inside me. I don't fully understand what, when, why, or how… but now I have hope.

I think they call those things miracles.

Just an out and out discussion of the thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head.

God, you promised that the Holy Spirit would bring to remembrance all things that you have said. Please make good on that promise now. I'm asking for the guidance and protection of the Spirit.

I'm worried about Faith Camp. I'm afraid that I'll have to wear a super spiritual mask, because I'm a speaker, and I have our (that is, yours and mine) reputations to uphold. What if they find out I'm a phony? A fraud? I'm a Bible Worker masquerader. Sigh. So I'll wear the right clothes, and I'll say the right things, and I'll be what I'm "supposed" to be because, really, I do care about you a lot (yes, love… I guess), and I want to make you happy, and this is how I do it, right? This is my reasonable service? Because if I were to display my insecurity for all the world to see, it would impugn your cause… cast a bad light on the gospel.

It's funny… I'm so afraid of losing my job, yet I've contemplated quitting.

I'm supposed to be a life giver, but I feel like my soul is mildewing, on the verge of rot. (If not mildew, then at least brackish stagnation.) How can I give what I don't have? And yet, I've committed myself to ministry for life. I can't just walk away from it.

Are you twisting my arm, or am I twisting my own?

Running away is worse that failing, anyway. I've done it for so long… but never in such an overt fashion.

And now I feel the weight of those churches on me. I can't leave now… I'm afraid it would shatter them.

Those Evanescence songs keep running through my mind. I identify so much with the lyrics…

And then I read those books like The Heavenly Man, or Tortured For Christ, and they love you so much! They went through so much worse things, and were/are totally gung-ho still. So what does this say about me? Am I a bad person? Am I even a Christian? I find it difficult (internally) to work for you sometimes. What does that mean?

God, can you even hear me? Am I talking to air? Have I separated myself from you??

I guess the big problem is, how can I give what I don't have? I don't want to be a phony.

J has made me promise that I won't "do anything" (quit, write Steve an email telling him that I'm a bad Bible Worker, go back to Az, etc.) until I talk to D. He's my boss, it's only fair. I know he thinks I'm doing a good job, and so do S, H, and Carl (no matter how I try to convince them of the opposite). Maybe it's because they don't have a good Bible Worker to use as a reference point. The full soul loatheth an honeycomb, but to the hungry, every bitter thing is sweet.

But if I left before my contract was up, I would hate myself.

So tired. Manual labor is a good thing. Goodnight.

My mistake. Yesterday was the 28th. (Note: I had misdated the previous day's entry.)

Dreamt last night that I went to Spokane, but I missed the meetings. Bah. That will not happen in real life.

I came out this morning and found Lloyd lying on the floor of the dining room. It scared me at first, because he's so elderly, but I found out that he was just doing deep-breathing exercises.

Had 2 dreams last night about car washes. In the first, there was a car wash in C's living room, and I got a massage while my car was being washed. I guess the massage took so long that they moved my car to the bedroom, because there was a lady with a minivan waiting for her turn. So I went into the bedroom and laid down to sleep, but C was on the other side of the queen-size bed. He was reciting to himself 7 reasons why religion wasn't true. Every time he cycled back to #1, he'd reach over and affectionately stroke the bridge of my nose with his forefinger. I woke myself up with my cries of distress, and succumbed to a stomachache. (The last part is real.) The second dream was based on my experience with Hollie yesterday, except that, in the dream, I came out of the gas station to find several State Troopers busily washing my car. Then, they arrested me, confiscated my car, and proceeded to nosily and rudely scavenge through my purse and car. They found some money that I'd stashed away during Big Books and determined that I was a drug dealer. Sigh.

Yeah. I don't really understand.

Wow, looking back on all these pages of Me really gave me a shock. That was when I was going to Cibola, I think. That was a very hard time… But things are much better now. Mom and R are still together and talking about getting a house (a real house, one that we would own ourselves! With my own room!!), and C and I are still together (and in love, I might add). It's been almost 10 months! Well, 10 months at the beginning of next month. Anyways, I'm going to Vista high school, which starts at 12:50 and goes till 5, plus Nova Net 3 times a week till 7:15. I only have 3 absences, and those because I was sick. I'm going to summer school in June, where I'll be taking Reading A and B, and Psychology! I love psychology. It's just fascinating to find what makes people "tick".

Oh yes, and I had a pregnancy scare recently. I took a test (which came out negative, but I'm not so sure), but I told C it was positive, to see the look on his face, but I couldn't keep a straight face so I told him it was negative. He almost squeezed the life out of me, then called me mean. He's so great. When I was still pre-test, he said if I was, then he'd be doin a whole lot of working. I asked why, and he fixed me with a real serious stare, then said, "I'm not going to be a deadbeat dad." He said it with such conviction. I just know that I am going to marry him someday. He's so good to me. I can honestly say I love him with all of my heart, and I cannot even remember any other guy I might have "loved" anymore.

I'm as happy as a clam at high tide. Life is perfect. Remember the void I spoke of before? It doesn't exist anymore. Life is perfect, and so is C as far as I'm concerned. I'm just so happy lately, I don't think I can stand it. I'll probably write again later, but I need to eat something now.

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The darkness shimmers in my eyes
and I swirl into the abyss of your eyes
where there is no dark,
and time goes on forever.

A poem written some point between late 2004 and early 2005.

Convo with a wall

Am I really crazy?
Shadows, voices in the corners…
(other way around)
Yessir, crazy as a daisy.
--insert hysterical laughter here--

I believe in God again.
(WWJD?? How should I know??)
He's com in back, just not for me.
I don't know where… still waiting for when.

You believe me, right?
If I decide to leave…
(You'll hunt me down)
Okay. Put me on the next flight.
--Sorry--

I gotta go, this place gets to you
(Don't tell me I'm not crazy.)
after a while…
But where the hell am I going to?
--Going, going, gone--

School started about a week ago, and I've been going faithfully so far. I've even been doing my homework. Yay me! lol. Okay, update time…

First and foremost, C and I are going out. (Note: Yes, that's C as in my husband.) I don't know exactly when we started going out, mostly because he never formally asked me, but it's all good. And guess what? I found his turn on spot haha. When I bite his neck, he gets all short of breath and he gets this cool look in his eyes. It's so sexy. I can't believe I was so blind and stupid! Why didn't I tell him I liked him earlier? Doi. It's like Mom always says about R… She's always like, "Why didn't I like him before? I could have had so much time with him!" Oh well, maybe I just wasn't ready before. Who knows. Anyways, I like him now, and he's mine, for the time being anyways, so I'm going to enjoy it. But sometimes I wonder, why me? Why does he like me? I am not worthy! Haha. I still have super-low self esteem, so that doesn't help…  No matter what anyone says, I'm still chubby looking to myself. I'm not going to go anorexic or anything; I like food way too much for that. But I have aerobics at school, so that should help. I was hanging out with C and his friend on Saturday, and we went to the park where I whooped their asses at crunches. 150, without breaking a sweat. Oh yeah, I rock. lol. Anyways, I think I just might be developing some muscles in my tummy. Wheee! Man, looking back on this entry, my writing sucks! I would say, "Oh well, no one's going to be reading this anyways," but last time I said that, Mom read it. Maybe I should throw some intelligible writing in here, just in case lol. See, much better, I think. Anyways, onto a new subject.

Oh man, today I wore my mumu-type-thing to school, and I got so many funny looks… It was great. I thrive on individuality. My odd clothing is the only thing that sets me apart from the rest of the cattle being herded around at school. I'm like a cow wearing a bright orange boa around my neck, and a sign that says, "Bite me, you insignificant piece of dust." Someone asked me if I was in a play, 'cos of my mumu. I had it belted around the waist with a scarf. Totally candy dude. (Note: "Totally candy" is the slang phrase my mom made up and tried to make cool. It never worked.)

I should probably get to bed because I have to get up early… which reminds me… I never finished the homework for my 1st class. Oh well. Earth Science can go fuck itself for all I care. After all, I can alway raise my grade later. G'night, dear diary. lol

I'm such a failure. I don't know how anyone has put up with me at all. Yeah, I can understand how my friends still hang around me. I lie. Yeah, everything's okay--lie. No really, I'm okay--lie.

I feel bad all the time because I'm just not good enough. I mean, look--I can't understand my work at school, I don't do my homework, I don't help out around the house as much as I should… I have reasons for all that, but nobody would understand. Example: I don't do my homework or clean because I'm trying to clean messes up when I should be doing my homework. I don't clean because I'm trying to do some of my homework while watching the kids. I try to do everything, and somehow that makes me lazy. And then, somebody really great finally comes along and I don't tell him anything. I'm just not used to actually telling anybody anything, and when someone who will listen comes along, I can't. I don't know how. It's like that one song goes-- "I'm dying inside, and nobody knows it but me."

I just want to scream and let it all out. Everything. All the shit I went though with G that I never told, all the anger at Mom that I never express, all the hatred at myself for being me… Nobody knows… And if they did, they'd just pat me on the head and say, "Poor little girl, let's get you some therapy before you hurt yourself." And the nightmares… They aren't like a terrifying scary most of the time, but it's like all of my memories are rushing to the surface lately and mixing all together until I'm so lost inside my own head that there's not even enough room for me. I sleep, but I don't rest. I just wanna call it all quits and start my life over. I wish I was normal. I wish I could be the perfect little girl I'm supposed to be and get rid of the screw up that I currently am.

I know I'm selfish. I shouldn't be worrying about me, I should be taking care of Mom and the kids. But I can't, I can't. I can't even take care of myself.

I never asked for this. What did I do, God? Was it something I did as a kid so that I have to be stuck like this all the time? I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I will say it all day if I have to. I just want to be happy, if only for one day. I know that I pretend to be happy sometimes, but it's never real. All I am is a bundle of lies taped together and told to be good.

Be good, do this… Now run over there, little sheep. Baa.

I'm just so tired. Years and years, I have been doing this… I need a rest. Not a rest for my bod, but my mind. I just wanna go someplace quiet, curl up, and hibernate for years on end. Maybe forever. Hardly anybody would miss me. Everybody would be happy.

I am so kinda-sorta-not-really-happy. I'm happy cuz the kids are out with A for dinner right now, and also that I didn't have to go. He creeps me out. Now he has a handlebar 'stache and a beard (I think). Looks like G. Scary. And he's always touching me, like hugging and messing up my hair. Pisses me off.

M called Sunday morning on his way to the airport to say bye, but I was asleep so he left a message. I'm kinda glad, cuz now I can play it and hear his voice whenever I want. It's stupid, I know, but still…

I went shopping y-day and got a new Bob. (Note: "Bob" is what I call permanent markers.) Two of 'em. And some of that colored gel (red), some stuff that wavifies ur hair (I'm wearing some right now-- it works. Coolness.), deep red lipstick, melon lipgloss (the stuff that Mom had), green nail polish (totally awesome), and I think that's about it. Cool, no?

Today, I've been with J for 2 months. I haven't seen him in a month, though. I tried calling today, but he was sleeping. Go figure. I hope I get to see him soon…

H and I were supposed to go to the movies y-day, but I got stuck at Walmart, so that kinda plopped. Then, we were gonna go to day, but Mom got a run, so… I miss him a lot, but, yeah… (Note: Mom had a job that required her to be on call 24 hours a day, so she could get a "run" at any time. Plans were often cancelled because I had to stay home and watch the kids.)

I'm going to be doing something a little different here for a while. I don't know how long it will last, and I will probably continue with my regular blogging habits in the midst of this (because girl gotta vent, you know what I'm sayin?), but I think it will be a fun little diversion. I felt the urge to pull out my old journals and scrapbooks last night and start browsing through them, just to see how different my life is now and, more importantly, how much I've grown and healed in my thoughts and in my heart. (Hint: it's a lot!) So what I'll be doing is posting entries from my paper journals that I kept before I started blogging, probably in no particular chronological order, just as they speak to me. I'm going to call this endeavor Blast From The Past. I hope you enjoy this little bit of time capsuley goodness. I think I will.