A lot has been happening. Can it truly only be Thursday?
Is it really 11 pm?
Yes. And yes.
But I need to blog. More, apparently, than I need sleep.
So I've been checking stuff off of my list like crazy... and adding stuff, too. It seems that, for every thing I cross off the list, 2 things get added! I'm mostly down to "little" things now, though, except for packing. That's pretty big.
How do you pack for 6 months????? Probably about the same as packing for 2 months. I've done that one, so this shouldn't be too bad.
(You know, I say 6 months, but I really don't know how long it will be, exactly. I think I've rounded up to 6 so that, if I come home early, it will be a splendiferous surprise!!)
It's official. I won't be seeing D anymore. I'm heading off to the concrete jungle, he's heading off to the colder climes of Alaska. Good riddance. Sorta.
Okay, not really at all.
But it's cool- the peace I've had about this whole "doeshelikemeIthinkhelikesmeandIlikehimbuthe'snotdoinganythingaboutitsoshouldIsaysomethingI'mscaredtosayanythingsoI'lljustleavewellenoughaloneeventhoughIreallylikehim" thing is pretty wild. (Hah. Wild peace. What an oxymoron.) It's nice to be able to relate to him on a friend to friend basis again, instead of freaking out about making a good impression or something.
I had heard about the "peace that passes understanding". It sounded so desirable. I tried my hardest to get it. It didn't come. It's 'cause I didn't trust God, I think. No, I'm sure it's because I didn't trust God. It's hard to hand the reins over to someone that you suspect is going to lynch you with them.
But I wrote D a note. I haven't given it to him. As a matter of fact, I just wrote it tonight... about half an hour ago. The basic gist is, "If you'd like to write, here's my email address. Thanks again for the book. I'm praying for you."
I'm still not sure whether to have it given to him or not. I can't tell whether it would be negating all that I've earned in the way of peace and serenity in this area... whether I'd be totally turning my back on what God's trying to lead me to, and doing my own thing.
But the panic, you ask? What of the panic?
Yes, well, you see... I'd been getting some weird vibes from B for the past.... ehhhhh... week or so? Ever since the Stanley backpacking trip. It could be that I'm leaving, and he's getting sentimental. That could very well be. I know that, in the past, I've had a tendency to romanticize or sexualize totally platonic relationships, because that was how I learned as a child to relate. So I started praying.
Lord, is this in my head? Am I wigging out? Help me! If this is my dysfunction rearing its ugly head again, strike it down! Please, restore the happiness and innocence to my side of this relationship-- I can't control his side. I don't even know what's going on in his head.
Nothing sexual, mind you! Just, like... well... getting this weird vibe that he might like me.
Even saying it is freaking me out. But I need to get this out there and off of my chest.
And then I was talking to H, and she mentioned that someone else had said to her that they suspected he might like me. I laughed it off with her, we joked about it, and it was fine.
But the panic was building.
You see, it's not that he's not a nice guy. That's not it at all.
It's that he's so much older than I am- it's like a trigger for baaaaad memories and emotions.
We have about the same age gap that my abusers and I have shared. When older men have been interested in me, it hasn't been good.
So for me to even have the possibility pinging around in my head that he could even think such a thing, or look at me in such a way... it is repulsive to me. It's.... dirty. It's vile. It's foul.
It's powerlessness and defilement and trauma all over again.
And I just enjoy being buddies. *sigh*
So he gave me a card, because I'm leaving. That's fine. I gave him one, too. Because we're friends. I mean, I've spilled my heart to him. I've looked to him for words of wisdom and for spiritual counsel. He shared mangos with me, for crying out loud. We're definitely friends.
But he closed the card with "I love you", and signed his name.
I love him like a brother... or an uncle. But in no other way.
So racquetball was hard. I had to go outside and pray after just half an hour or so.
God, I don't want these wacked out emotions interfering with our friendship! Please, restore this to what it used to be...
And you know the cool thing? Because I'd already had such a win with the D thing, I knew he could do it. I knew he would. I knew, also, that the emotions might not necessarily change right away, and that's fine. But I wanted my thought processes to change, and the way I perceived B to change. I didn't want to be suspicious. I didn't want to be distant and wary, on guard. I wanted our friendship back.
(It's amazing how, even if only one person in a friendship gets something in their head, how it can affect the entire relationship-- even if the other person is clueless to what's going on!)
Yeah. It got a lot better after that. God did it! The emotions did dissipate after a while, but I felt calmer and stronger on the way back in. Like it was okay. God's got this. He is El Roi, the Living One who sees me. He's got this.
I'm still struggling with it a bit-- I've not completely gotten over it... but it's a step.
I just want our friendship back, untainted and unsullied. Will that ever happen?
I realized tonight that I'm actually glad I'm leaving, if just for this very situation to have a chance to wither and die.