I am completely humbled right now. I'm in awe. I'm beyond awe.

I can't believe what God has done for me... It's amazing to me that he would care for me so much... I'm just... stunned. Tear-filled eyes lifted to heaven in a silent Hallelujah.

First of all, I made it safely to Y. I thought that was business as usual, but when my grampa took my car to the mechanic's this morning (to check out a leak that mysteriously stopped the day before I left), he noticed that my left rear tire was, to put it simply, very very bad. There were wires sticking out and everything.

When he took it to the mechanic's, he mentioned that I had just come from California. A turned to him in amazement and asked, "How?! I can't believe she made it here!" Indeed, they weren't even sure my grampa would make it to the Walmart to get a new tire.

The tire had separated. While I was driving.

That's the exact same tire that blew out in The Accident back in '06... you know, the one where I should have died? The one where I went blind?

I just... wow. And see, the thing is, I stopped before I got to J and filled up my tires with air (which we had also done just before the blowout-- I'm so done with filling up tires on the road!!), and the psi was fine, around 35. A little low, but not bad. When they checked it this morning, it was 18! Clearly, this happened after I filled up the tires, and I had no clue.

The tire separated. I am still in shock. I literally could have died yesterday. Obviously, God's not done with me yet. :)

That leads me to my second point... I got a job! (Actually, I came home floating on cloud 9 with this news when I found out about the tire-- it makes it so much more poignant.)

It's volunteer, at first, but I'll actually be getting a paycheck after a while, which is an unexpected blessing.

It came out of my decision to start a support group for abuse survivors up where I'm at in Idaho. I had been struggling with the decision for some time- months- thinking, Is this really the right thing to do? Am I qualified for this? Is this what God wants me to do?

After some things falling into place in my mind lately (especially speaking to E's DV and Sexual Assault groups while in Y, and singing for those beautiful girls at camp), I finally decided to just do it. These survivors need someplace to go where they can heal, where they can find God, where they can experience his love. They need this, and so do I. I'm not going to let my fear of making a mistake and losing God's love and affection stop me, because that's just not truth. It's of God, and I'm going for it.

So today, while I was visiting with my wonderful, beautiful, superlative friend and mentor E (who was actually my Victim's Rights Advocate back in the very beginning of my journey towards healing), I told her that I was going to do it. I was going to start a support group in Idaho.

She then started talking about 503c's and grants and umbrellas and all kinds of stuff, and I realized... she wants me to work with her! I'm not in this alone!

So, basically, I'm going to open up an Idaho chapter of her agency that God just started, The Healing Journey. I'm going to start another blog specifically chronicling  that experience.

Then, she starts talking about paychecks! Because I'm going to be under the umbrella of her agency, I'll be getting paid to run this support group. I'm going to do fundraising for the agency.

Y'all, I'm going to be a director of an agency!

God, what are you doing with me?! You're giving me this job, doing what I love? I was going to do it volunteer! You really put this in my lap? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH ME?! You're amazing!!

I'm just so... humbled. Awed. Nervous. Stunned. Excited.

He wants to use me. I'm so broken. I have so much healing to do. I was so untrusting, not sure that he could provide a paycheck for me when I went back home.

And he still wants me... to be that broken vessel, that cracked jar of clay...
He wants me to blaze for him. How can his light pour out of me if there are no cracks? It stays locked inside.

God has chosen me. He's given me a job, doing what I've been wanting to do for how many months and years now? He's given me my passion... and I know it's going to be hard. That's why I'm nervous. I feel inadequate. But it's not me, it's him. And he knew that he wanted me to do this, and he wrapped his hand around my tire and kept it from disintegrating when, in all reality, it should have.

And I'm in awe.

I am baking bread and thinking.


Truth is what sets us free. It defines our reality. It is our OS. What truth we know governs our actions and guides our lives, our morals, and our principles. 


Truth seeker. That sounds so good. And truth IS good, so good. And yet.. when it hurts... it's so tempting to walk away from it. But denial is what's gotten me in the mess I'm in. There is no healing in denial. There can be no growth in willful ignorance. If I ever want to help people in the future, I have to face the reality of who I am, like it or not.


Who I am now. God is intent on healing the broken parts, and strengthening the whole parts. This newly discovered weakness is not for all time, and I must remember that.


I had thought that, in seeking to discover who I really am, that I would find relief and release, freedom from expectations and baggage. It certainly does not FEEL as though this is taking place!


But I guess this is another part of the transformation. The caterpillar dissolves before it ever turns into a butterfly. I am dissolving... yet, below it all, beats a little heart, still protected.

"A caterpillar spends most of its life crawling on -- and devouring -- its food source. But when it's time to become an adult, most caterpillars start to wander away from what they've been eating. They find a sheltered, safe spot in which to pupate, or transform into an adult. In all caterpillars, this happens inside a protective shell known as a chrysalis, but the specifics differ from species to species.


It's easy to think of a chrysalis as something a caterpillar makes, like a cocoon, but this isn't really true. The body that the caterpillar reveals when it sheds its skin for the last time is the chrysalis. Along with the ability to occasionally twitch in response to threats, this shell is what protects the caterpillar while it transforms.

The transformation itself is amazing. Think of it as recycling -- if you drop a plastic bottle off in the recycling bin, it can be melted down into an entirely different shape. This is what happens inside the chrysalis. Much of the body breaks itself down into imaginal cells, which are undifferentiated -- likestem cells, they can become any type of cell. The imaginal cells put themselves back together into a new shape. A few parts of the body, such as the legs, are more or less unchanged during this process.

This process of complete transformation is known as holometabolism. The amount of time required to transform completely varies from one species to another, but in general it takes about two weeks. For species that survive the winter by staying in the chrysalis, it can take months.

According to research at Georgetown University, the caterpillars and butterflies that emerge from the chrysalises may remember some of their lives as caterpillars [source: Blackiston]. When caterpillars in the study were conditioned to avoid specific smells, they remembered to keep away from those scents as adults -- but only if the conditioning happened in the last instars of the caterpillars' lives. If you want to learn more what happens once the chrysalis opens, read How Butterflies Work."

(http://animals.howstuffworks.com/insects/caterpillar3.htm)

Gaaah! I don't like who I thought I wasn't! But it IS me! I can see it clearly. And the best/worst part is, it's not because anyone told me so, it's because I'm seeking truuuuuuuuuth.

 I will not walk away from this. I will own it, acknowledge it, and God, you're going to have to help me walk through this. I'm through running away from life.

...I would always know exactly what to do. Need a rope ladder built? Fear not! I, with my astute geometrical skills, will calculate and ascertain the height to yonder branch so that I can construct a sturdy ladder out of local shrubbery. Uncertain about this local species of flora or fauna? No worries! My infinite knowledge will save the day again! (Even though I've never seen it before in my life.)

Ahh, I wish that I knew as much as those people. At least I know that I don't know. :)

I was glad to start going to group again. I missed the company of people who are struggling and fighting, just like me. Sometimes it seems that Christians never have any problems, especially on Sabbaths. Oh, of course, the external problems are there-- death in the family, health problems, etc. But internal? Struggles with your own sanity? Hardly. So it's good to see people who love Jesus, who are real about their problems. That's what I appreciate about the family I live with now. They're real, but they love God. It's pretty awesome. I still am trying to figure out where I fit in, which can be very tiring.

After starting this blog, it was like the sap started flowing again... like I'm coming to life, discovering who I am. What do I like? What are my opinions? There is no one here to see but me and God. I don't have to be fake, to act like this great spiritual person, to act like I know anything. Because really, I'm dissolving. Disintegrating. The person that I've trained myself to be for so long is drying up and peeling off, so much old paint that inhibits my breathing. And yet, in the process of just trying to be me, I find myself regressing...

H and I were discussing the subject of grace. I wonder where I learned all my conceptions of God? I have always envied "liberals", who really love God, and are not always watching their back to see if they've offended God somehow. I hate living like that. And yet, how can it be true that God is not shocked by my actions? If I were to go out and smoke a pack of cigarettes, would God really still be on my side? I've been told that God even loves my efforts, and every fiber of my being wants to believe that, cries out for a God to serve that would really be so gentle with me...

It's difficult to write out here in the open, with my family swirling around me. I cannot open the crevasses of my soul to the light. Bah.