Truth seeker? Really?

I am baking bread and thinking.

Truth is what sets us free. It defines our reality. It is our OS. What truth we know governs our actions and guides our lives, our morals, and our principles. 

Truth seeker. That sounds so good. And truth IS good, so good. And yet.. when it hurts... it's so tempting to walk away from it. But denial is what's gotten me in the mess I'm in. There is no healing in denial. There can be no growth in willful ignorance. If I ever want to help people in the future, I have to face the reality of who I am, like it or not.

Who I am now. God is intent on healing the broken parts, and strengthening the whole parts. This newly discovered weakness is not for all time, and I must remember that.

I had thought that, in seeking to discover who I really am, that I would find relief and release, freedom from expectations and baggage. It certainly does not FEEL as though this is taking place!

But I guess this is another part of the transformation. The caterpillar dissolves before it ever turns into a butterfly. I am dissolving... yet, below it all, beats a little heart, still protected.

"A caterpillar spends most of its life crawling on -- and devouring -- its food source. But when it's time to become an adult, most caterpillars start to wander away from what they've been eating. They find a sheltered, safe spot in which to pupate, or transform into an adult. In all caterpillars, this happens inside a protective shell known as a chrysalis, but the specifics differ from species to species.

It's easy to think of a chrysalis as something a caterpillar makes, like a cocoon, but this isn't really true. The body that the caterpillar reveals when it sheds its skin for the last time is the chrysalis. Along with the ability to occasionally twitch in response to threats, this shell is what protects the caterpillar while it transforms.

The transformation itself is amazing. Think of it as recycling -- if you drop a plastic bottle off in the recycling bin, it can be melted down into an entirely different shape. This is what happens inside the chrysalis. Much of the body breaks itself down into imaginal cells, which are undifferentiated -- likestem cells, they can become any type of cell. The imaginal cells put themselves back together into a new shape. A few parts of the body, such as the legs, are more or less unchanged during this process.
This process of complete transformation is known as holometabolism. The amount of time required to transform completely varies from one species to another, but in general it takes about two weeks. For species that survive the winter by staying in the chrysalis, it can take months.
According to research at Georgetown University, the caterpillars and butterflies that emerge from the chrysalises may remember some of their lives as caterpillars [source: Blackiston]. When caterpillars in the study were conditioned to avoid specific smells, they remembered to keep away from those scents as adults -- but only if the conditioning happened in the last instars of the caterpillars' lives. If you want to learn more what happens once the chrysalis opens, read How Butterflies Work."
Gaaah! I don't like who I thought I wasn't! But it IS me! I can see it clearly. And the best/worst part is, it's not because anyone told me so, it's because I'm seeking truuuuuuuuuth.
 I will not walk away from this. I will own it, acknowledge it, and God, you're going to have to help me walk through this. I'm through running away from life.

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