Dear God, why does this hurt so much? Why can't I not care anymore? Why do I still love him so much, even after all these years? I don't want to!
I'm struggling with the weight of my sorrow, and with a violated conscience... and with the knowledge that it was a willing, flagrant transgression that I enjoyed, that I wanted... does that mean I'm lost?
I just... I don't know.
Why are we so different? If only he were a Christian, this wouldn't be so hard... because then we could be together... and that is something that I want almost more than anything else in the world.
A bird can love a fish, but where would they live? C says the beach. lol
So, basically, what happened was that we went to the Ren Fest this weekend. I was so excited, and it was awesome. Truly cool. I had no spending money, but C got me a few things out of the kindness of his heart :) One thing is a replica of a tea I got from an apothecary shop my first time at the Fest. The shop is still there, and I made the same mix. Maybe this one will last me 5 years again? Doubtful. I'm not going to be nursing it like the last batch.
Then, he had me ride an elephant! I wasn't sure, but he insisted, so I did, and it was a neat experience :) Unfortunately, my camera was dead (though I had checked it that morning, grr!), so I didn't get any photo documentation. We walked around and looked at all the shops, he bought me a rose from a wandering flower girl, and got an axe for himself. We caught a Tartanic show, hung out with our old friend B briefly (he was occupied with his wife, his kid, and his wife's friends). It was a great day. Really great.
We headed up Sat pm and stayed in a motel we had reserved, which was all fine and dandy, except that when I called, I found out that they do not, in fact, have rollaway beds like Expedia told me they did. Hmph. So, I brought an air mattress.
I don't know if I really want to talk about what happened that night, or last night, for that matter. Nothing really happened, but I didn't spend the night on my air mattress. It was so nice to just be held again... but I knew, I knew that we were setting ourselves up to be burned. We talked about it. We know we're not together, we can't be together, but we still... we still... love each other. Immensely. Several breakups, years of no contact whatsoever, years of friendship, and still... it's there, simmering underneath every interaction.
I thought I was over him... and then I saw him.
I realized on the drive up to Phoenix that I still love him.
I loved D, to be sure. That's true. But this... this is something far more tenacious and far-reaching.
And it hurts like hell.
Because we're so different... there's no way we can be together, not at this juncture. The premises and values that we're building our lives upon are too different. He's not even Christian. He plays D+D for fun.
So many people have told me I'd be settling.
I've worked through some issues from our relationship. But, just as I've changed and grown, so has he. And we talked about some of the stuff I had issues with in our relationship, and I realize that much of what I thought was C controlling me or feeding me these false ideas was... me. My brokenness taking what he said, twisting it, and applying it as gospel truth. He's got issues too, I'm sure. And he did then. But some of it wasn't what I thought it was, which was startling.
And he's grown.
He still a good old Mr. Steady, though. He has a good job, he's going to buy a house, and he wants to settle down, raise a family, and live a good, respectable life. That's not wrong, but it sure is different from what I want.
He expresses amused bemusement at my nomadic lifestyle. He says he could never do it. He needs to have a steady source of income and a solid place to come home to.
Why are we so different?
We agreed that we could write a book about our story. It's a multi-book series. lol
He is happy that I'm independent. He's glad that I'm taking care of myself. He's proud of me. He wants me to keep going and do better and, yes, travel the world if that's what I have to do. We both realize that, were it not for the way things went, I wouldn't have grown up in a lot of ways that I needed to. I've needed the last few years and what they've brought. He has no regrets. He's okay with the way things have turned out, and he's accepted the fact that what he feels for me is not going away. It's going to be there, in one little spot that he confines it to, and it's just... there.
I'm having a more difficult time. All those "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts", you know.
Anyway, we spent the night in the motel, and the next day at the Ren Fest was just like old times. We walked hand in hand, sometimes his arm was around my shoulders, and it was so nice. I'm so tired of being alone... and I miss him so much. But through it all, a little voice in the back of my head kept warning me, Don't get attached. Yeah, it's great now, but it's going to hurt a thousand times more than it warms and comforts you.
And there was also the, I hope God doesn't hate me now line that kept spinning through my head.
I love God so much, and I want to do what's right. But I don't know how to explain this... It's like my love for God is rivaled by my love for C. I love C almost as much as I love God, but the problem is that C is flesh and blood, and can stroke my face and hold my hand and tell me how much he's missed me, and how beautiful I am, and how happy he is that I'm living the life that I want, and God is a more nebulous being that speaks to me through books and the sunshine and the wind, but he doesn't hold my hand or stroke my face or alleviate my loneliness.
And C is so easy to talk to... he even listens patiently to my explanations of God and Christianity and such. I just keep thinking... God has brought people out of a lifetime of rebellion... and C is still young. God, I know you can reach him. I just know it! I mean, Sabbath was a whole testimony of a guy who was a gangster in New Jersey when God got ahold of him. There's hope, isn't there?!
I wish I had a cut and dried life. You know... "Girl grows up, girl meets God. Girl loves God, serves him, meets charming young man and marries young man. Couple loves God and serves Him. Difficulties and hardships come, but couple remains faithful and are rewarded for their devotion and service." Like the missionary stories. My life has been so much more infinitely complex. I spent two years of my life at a Christian bible college, for crying out loud. Where's my charming, godly young man?! Instead, I'm wracked with impossible affection for an "infidel".
I think the only way out would be the no contact route again.
It's like cutting off my arm.
What a bittersweet weekend...
I'm struggling with the weight of my sorrow, and with a violated conscience... and with the knowledge that it was a willing, flagrant transgression that I enjoyed, that I wanted... does that mean I'm lost?
I just... I don't know.
Why are we so different? If only he were a Christian, this wouldn't be so hard... because then we could be together... and that is something that I want almost more than anything else in the world.
A bird can love a fish, but where would they live? C says the beach. lol
So, basically, what happened was that we went to the Ren Fest this weekend. I was so excited, and it was awesome. Truly cool. I had no spending money, but C got me a few things out of the kindness of his heart :) One thing is a replica of a tea I got from an apothecary shop my first time at the Fest. The shop is still there, and I made the same mix. Maybe this one will last me 5 years again? Doubtful. I'm not going to be nursing it like the last batch.
Then, he had me ride an elephant! I wasn't sure, but he insisted, so I did, and it was a neat experience :) Unfortunately, my camera was dead (though I had checked it that morning, grr!), so I didn't get any photo documentation. We walked around and looked at all the shops, he bought me a rose from a wandering flower girl, and got an axe for himself. We caught a Tartanic show, hung out with our old friend B briefly (he was occupied with his wife, his kid, and his wife's friends). It was a great day. Really great.
We headed up Sat pm and stayed in a motel we had reserved, which was all fine and dandy, except that when I called, I found out that they do not, in fact, have rollaway beds like Expedia told me they did. Hmph. So, I brought an air mattress.
I don't know if I really want to talk about what happened that night, or last night, for that matter. Nothing really happened, but I didn't spend the night on my air mattress. It was so nice to just be held again... but I knew, I knew that we were setting ourselves up to be burned. We talked about it. We know we're not together, we can't be together, but we still... we still... love each other. Immensely. Several breakups, years of no contact whatsoever, years of friendship, and still... it's there, simmering underneath every interaction.
I thought I was over him... and then I saw him.
I realized on the drive up to Phoenix that I still love him.
I loved D, to be sure. That's true. But this... this is something far more tenacious and far-reaching.
And it hurts like hell.
Because we're so different... there's no way we can be together, not at this juncture. The premises and values that we're building our lives upon are too different. He's not even Christian. He plays D+D for fun.
So many people have told me I'd be settling.
I've worked through some issues from our relationship. But, just as I've changed and grown, so has he. And we talked about some of the stuff I had issues with in our relationship, and I realize that much of what I thought was C controlling me or feeding me these false ideas was... me. My brokenness taking what he said, twisting it, and applying it as gospel truth. He's got issues too, I'm sure. And he did then. But some of it wasn't what I thought it was, which was startling.
And he's grown.
He still a good old Mr. Steady, though. He has a good job, he's going to buy a house, and he wants to settle down, raise a family, and live a good, respectable life. That's not wrong, but it sure is different from what I want.
He expresses amused bemusement at my nomadic lifestyle. He says he could never do it. He needs to have a steady source of income and a solid place to come home to.
Why are we so different?
We agreed that we could write a book about our story. It's a multi-book series. lol
He is happy that I'm independent. He's glad that I'm taking care of myself. He's proud of me. He wants me to keep going and do better and, yes, travel the world if that's what I have to do. We both realize that, were it not for the way things went, I wouldn't have grown up in a lot of ways that I needed to. I've needed the last few years and what they've brought. He has no regrets. He's okay with the way things have turned out, and he's accepted the fact that what he feels for me is not going away. It's going to be there, in one little spot that he confines it to, and it's just... there.
I'm having a more difficult time. All those "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts", you know.
Anyway, we spent the night in the motel, and the next day at the Ren Fest was just like old times. We walked hand in hand, sometimes his arm was around my shoulders, and it was so nice. I'm so tired of being alone... and I miss him so much. But through it all, a little voice in the back of my head kept warning me, Don't get attached. Yeah, it's great now, but it's going to hurt a thousand times more than it warms and comforts you.
And there was also the, I hope God doesn't hate me now line that kept spinning through my head.
I love God so much, and I want to do what's right. But I don't know how to explain this... It's like my love for God is rivaled by my love for C. I love C almost as much as I love God, but the problem is that C is flesh and blood, and can stroke my face and hold my hand and tell me how much he's missed me, and how beautiful I am, and how happy he is that I'm living the life that I want, and God is a more nebulous being that speaks to me through books and the sunshine and the wind, but he doesn't hold my hand or stroke my face or alleviate my loneliness.
And C is so easy to talk to... he even listens patiently to my explanations of God and Christianity and such. I just keep thinking... God has brought people out of a lifetime of rebellion... and C is still young. God, I know you can reach him. I just know it! I mean, Sabbath was a whole testimony of a guy who was a gangster in New Jersey when God got ahold of him. There's hope, isn't there?!
I wish I had a cut and dried life. You know... "Girl grows up, girl meets God. Girl loves God, serves him, meets charming young man and marries young man. Couple loves God and serves Him. Difficulties and hardships come, but couple remains faithful and are rewarded for their devotion and service." Like the missionary stories. My life has been so much more infinitely complex. I spent two years of my life at a Christian bible college, for crying out loud. Where's my charming, godly young man?! Instead, I'm wracked with impossible affection for an "infidel".
I think the only way out would be the no contact route again.
It's like cutting off my arm.
What a bittersweet weekend...
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