...with depression. Again.
I thought I was over this beast.
My enthusiasm and optimism at making the move kept me afloat for a few days, but after leading my first group meeting last week, it's been a constant battle.
No motivation. Sleeping... a lot. My desire for a relationship with God is going downhill, and fast. Restless. Diminished appetite. Desire for isolation.
And the longer I go without a job, the more my anxiety mounts, despite my efforts to trust God.
Because that's what this is about, really. It still stuns me how much my sense of self-worth is tied in to my productivity, my activities. It's not enough that I'm volunteering running peer support groups for abused girls, and working with the youth at church, and preaching, and doing music gigs (all pro-bono, of course lol), and working on setting up an e-business, and beginning piano lessons. Oh, no. I have to have a "real" job. (I got a job last night, but it's an odd-job, sporadic thing.)
Because Gramma and Grampa are taking up the slack. They're paying for my food. They're helping me with tires. They're essentially supporting me right now, and that bugs me. I'm supposed to be paying my way, not letting them buy stuff for me.
It's like I can't bear to let myself be too dependent on anyone. My grandparents... my parents... friends... adopted families... God... No. I have to do it myself.
And then when I can't, I'm a failure. I hear myself telling myself, "If you were really independent, you'd have a job by now. If you were really an adult, you wouldn't be mooching off of your grandparents. If you were really capable of taking care of yourself, you wouldn't be here. You're worthless. I can't believe you need someone to take care of you."
Dear God, I'm so abusive. I say things to myself that I would never say to another person in a million years... but somehow it's okay when I'm talking to myself?!
"If you were really an adult, you'd have a job by now. You're not supporting yourself because you don't want to. You're as bad as G was... sucking the life out of anyone who will support you. Black widow."
And here I am... paralyzed by my own venom... moving more and more sluggishly... until eventually I stop even trying to twitch in protest.
Why am I so mean to myself?
And how do I snap out of it?
A friend sent me a text today that sent me bawling... because I just feel so worthless and empty.
"PS you are wonderful and thanks for the rescue yesterday. it meant a lot to k. 'Before they call I will answer.' you were sent from God. Love you" (I accompanied a vocal number last minute for K's mom's funeral, because the accompaniment cd was AWOL.)
I know that the answer will come, the revelation will heal, and I'll be okay. But right now... it just hurts.
And unless I can learn to stop this cycle of self-abuse, it's going to keep coming around whenever circumstances don't go the way that I think they ought to to prove that I am a valuable, productive member of society and my family.
God... help me. Please.
I don't want to be this way anymore.
"For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; neither wilt thou suffer thine Holy One to see corruption." Psalm 16:10
I thought I was over this beast.
My enthusiasm and optimism at making the move kept me afloat for a few days, but after leading my first group meeting last week, it's been a constant battle.
No motivation. Sleeping... a lot. My desire for a relationship with God is going downhill, and fast. Restless. Diminished appetite. Desire for isolation.
And the longer I go without a job, the more my anxiety mounts, despite my efforts to trust God.
Because that's what this is about, really. It still stuns me how much my sense of self-worth is tied in to my productivity, my activities. It's not enough that I'm volunteering running peer support groups for abused girls, and working with the youth at church, and preaching, and doing music gigs (all pro-bono, of course lol), and working on setting up an e-business, and beginning piano lessons. Oh, no. I have to have a "real" job. (I got a job last night, but it's an odd-job, sporadic thing.)
Because Gramma and Grampa are taking up the slack. They're paying for my food. They're helping me with tires. They're essentially supporting me right now, and that bugs me. I'm supposed to be paying my way, not letting them buy stuff for me.
It's like I can't bear to let myself be too dependent on anyone. My grandparents... my parents... friends... adopted families... God... No. I have to do it myself.
And then when I can't, I'm a failure. I hear myself telling myself, "If you were really independent, you'd have a job by now. If you were really an adult, you wouldn't be mooching off of your grandparents. If you were really capable of taking care of yourself, you wouldn't be here. You're worthless. I can't believe you need someone to take care of you."
Dear God, I'm so abusive. I say things to myself that I would never say to another person in a million years... but somehow it's okay when I'm talking to myself?!
"If you were really an adult, you'd have a job by now. You're not supporting yourself because you don't want to. You're as bad as G was... sucking the life out of anyone who will support you. Black widow."
And here I am... paralyzed by my own venom... moving more and more sluggishly... until eventually I stop even trying to twitch in protest.
Why am I so mean to myself?
And how do I snap out of it?
A friend sent me a text today that sent me bawling... because I just feel so worthless and empty.
"PS you are wonderful and thanks for the rescue yesterday. it meant a lot to k. 'Before they call I will answer.' you were sent from God. Love you" (I accompanied a vocal number last minute for K's mom's funeral, because the accompaniment cd was AWOL.)
I know that the answer will come, the revelation will heal, and I'll be okay. But right now... it just hurts.
And unless I can learn to stop this cycle of self-abuse, it's going to keep coming around whenever circumstances don't go the way that I think they ought to to prove that I am a valuable, productive member of society and my family.
God... help me. Please.
I don't want to be this way anymore.
"For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; neither wilt thou suffer thine Holy One to see corruption." Psalm 16:10
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