Had a meeting with E today. Her grant writer randomly showed up, so we weren't able to actually meet- we'll do that tomorrow. However, it was just enough time to sob my heart out onto her shoulder about C and the mess I've gotten myself into. In the brief discussion about C that followed, she encouraged me to pray for him, and I said I definitely have been and will continue to. She said that we should fast and pray for him, and that she'll join me ("even though I love food" lol). I think that's awesome. She even prayed for him and claimed him in the name of Jesus at the end. It was really neat.
She wants to talk about it more tomorrow, I think. But she did point out to me that God is a god of forgiveness, and that I am human, and, by extension, imperfect.
I've been thinking about that one today.
It is so hard for me to approach God (or even interact with other people) when I've messed up.
Like, seriously? Think about it, girl. We're sinners, right? Saved by grace? So what makes you any different now than you were when you accepted Christ? Still a sinner. Still saved by grace. One more mistake doesn't disqualify you from forgiveness-- as a matter of fact, it qualifies you. You have to have something to forgive. You never were perfect, as much as you like to think that you are.
Christianity is not just for the days that you've got it all together.
One of the things you appreciate so much about C is that he still loves you even though he's seen all your weaknesses and foibles and faults. How can you think that God would be any different?
So anyway, E wanted me to come over to the ladies' group for check in and share what I shared with her. I did. And afterward, this little girl (okay, she was a teen, but she was little) comes over to me and asks if I've read a certain book. I hadn't, so she began to explain it. Basically, it's about setting Biblical principles for dating and sticking to them. She also quoted me 2 Corinthians 6:14- "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?"
She said several times, "I don't want to judge you." I can't help but think, "You may not want to, but you probably are!" lol. But I told her that I appreciated it, and I did. I just find it funny, because, well... I know this stuff. She has no idea that I went to Bible college, or that I've read pretty much every Ludy book, and I've read Josh Harris's book, and Letters to Young Lovers, and...
Yeah. I know this stuff. But knowing it and applying it are two different things.
Right. Right. Set your standards and don't go for anyone who doesn't share your faith in God. Mmm-hmm. Outline the type of person that you want as a mate, and stick to it. Yep. Definitely.
And it's a great thing to do and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside about my firm devotion to truth and righteousness and the fact that I've been alone for years because I'm so committed to God and really I should probably just take the plunge and become a nun and then I could be single forever! A single literature evangelist! Perfect.
Don't mind me. I'm only cynical because I'm convicted. That and I'm pissed at myself for wanting so badly what I know I shouldn't want.
I want to be over there with him right now. Incredibly much.
I think it's something about the incredible relief that comes from the alleviation of sharp, intense loneliness. That and it helps to counteract self-hatred and depression when you are told that you are a good person, and beautiful, and funny, etc. It's like a non-prescription anti-depressant, being with him. I feel better about myself, even as I hate myself more for my actions. Weird? Definitely.
And I spent all these years working on getting over him... pushing away and quashing the feelings, because I shouldn't feel that way anymore. "Should" or "shouldn't", they're here, parading themselves around my heart in all their garish glory.
You know, if he was a jerk, this would be a lot easier. But nooooo, he's a good guy. Blast.
In many ways, he lives like a Christian. But he just doesn't feel a need for God. He's got it all under control. (Sounds like me!) Kinda reminds me of R...
I hope none of my other Christian friends start preaching at me. I already know. Trust me. I know.
Just ignore my foolishness, alright? LOL
She wants to talk about it more tomorrow, I think. But she did point out to me that God is a god of forgiveness, and that I am human, and, by extension, imperfect.
I've been thinking about that one today.
It is so hard for me to approach God (or even interact with other people) when I've messed up.
Like, seriously? Think about it, girl. We're sinners, right? Saved by grace? So what makes you any different now than you were when you accepted Christ? Still a sinner. Still saved by grace. One more mistake doesn't disqualify you from forgiveness-- as a matter of fact, it qualifies you. You have to have something to forgive. You never were perfect, as much as you like to think that you are.
Christianity is not just for the days that you've got it all together.
One of the things you appreciate so much about C is that he still loves you even though he's seen all your weaknesses and foibles and faults. How can you think that God would be any different?
So anyway, E wanted me to come over to the ladies' group for check in and share what I shared with her. I did. And afterward, this little girl (okay, she was a teen, but she was little) comes over to me and asks if I've read a certain book. I hadn't, so she began to explain it. Basically, it's about setting Biblical principles for dating and sticking to them. She also quoted me 2 Corinthians 6:14- "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?"
She said several times, "I don't want to judge you." I can't help but think, "You may not want to, but you probably are!" lol. But I told her that I appreciated it, and I did. I just find it funny, because, well... I know this stuff. She has no idea that I went to Bible college, or that I've read pretty much every Ludy book, and I've read Josh Harris's book, and Letters to Young Lovers, and...
Yeah. I know this stuff. But knowing it and applying it are two different things.
Right. Right. Set your standards and don't go for anyone who doesn't share your faith in God. Mmm-hmm. Outline the type of person that you want as a mate, and stick to it. Yep. Definitely.
And it's a great thing to do and I feel all warm and fuzzy inside about my firm devotion to truth and righteousness and the fact that I've been alone for years because I'm so committed to God and really I should probably just take the plunge and become a nun and then I could be single forever! A single literature evangelist! Perfect.
Don't mind me. I'm only cynical because I'm convicted. That and I'm pissed at myself for wanting so badly what I know I shouldn't want.
I want to be over there with him right now. Incredibly much.
I think it's something about the incredible relief that comes from the alleviation of sharp, intense loneliness. That and it helps to counteract self-hatred and depression when you are told that you are a good person, and beautiful, and funny, etc. It's like a non-prescription anti-depressant, being with him. I feel better about myself, even as I hate myself more for my actions. Weird? Definitely.
And I spent all these years working on getting over him... pushing away and quashing the feelings, because I shouldn't feel that way anymore. "Should" or "shouldn't", they're here, parading themselves around my heart in all their garish glory.
You know, if he was a jerk, this would be a lot easier. But nooooo, he's a good guy. Blast.
In many ways, he lives like a Christian. But he just doesn't feel a need for God. He's got it all under control. (Sounds like me!) Kinda reminds me of R...
I hope none of my other Christian friends start preaching at me. I already know. Trust me. I know.
Just ignore my foolishness, alright? LOL
0 thoughts: