Ok, actually, this has nothing to do with sex. Or rock'n'roll. Just drugs.

First of all, funny story... I accidentally got drunk last night. I mean, I intended to get buzzed or something, but I didn't mean to get drunk. It's not like I was hanging out on my couch and all of a sudden I'm reeling.

Here's what happened: I worked today and yesterday at the "front desk" of a gun show here in town. It's more or less sit-down work, but it requires a lot of talking, and there is walking and moving and pointing involved. It gave me a sharp reminder as to why I'm no longer actively in the work force. I feel pretty messed up, and the first day was very, very painful. Here I am trying to stretch out my pain meds and I'm in excruciating pain and needing to function like a normal human. Read: impossible. So when I got home I decided to do a little drinking to try and iron out some of the pain wrinkles. Unfortunately (or fortunately, as you look at it), I'm a total rookie when it comes to alcohol. I mean, I've never been drunk before. Never.

I drank three full glasses of rum and cranberry juice with maybe a little more rum than I should have used, and I drank them fast. In a little while, I started feeling pretty good. Warm, fuzzy, numb face and limbs... I was probably hurting still, but I didn't care anymore. It was a little hard to balance and stuff, but not bad. I've had worse when I was dealing with dizziness from the Cymbalta. But then... it kept going. And got stronger. And stronger. The lag is what got me-- I had felt fine, so I kept drinking. Not much longer after feeling "better", I began throwing up and wasn't able to stop for probably an hour. That was NOT fun.

Verdict: being drunk sucks. Well, okay, being throw-up-drunk sucks. I liked the warm fuzzy feeling, but I'm afraid that I can't achieve that without accidentally going too far. In addition to that, my body has definitely made it clear that alcohol is too hard on my already taxed system, and I shouldn't be messing around with it. (I'm not supposed to be ingesting alcohol with the meds I'm on anyway, so that's no great loss. Just another pain relief method that's lost to me. Alas.)

I drank a couple of cups of mint tea to settle my tummy, drank a ton of water, and fell asleep. I felt bad when I woke up so I had a nice long sit in a hot shower followed by a bowl of plain oatmeal and a mug of chamomile tea in addition to more water. Then I went back to bed so I could get up bright and early for work today. I fully expected to be completely destroyed today, but to my utter surprise I ended up hurting much less than the day before. My theory that I concocted with a friend is that I did indeed have a hangover, but it was so much less severe than my usual symptoms that it seemed like a decrease in sickness. Apparently my ability to avoid a hangover is a superpower, according to the same friend. Funny.

Okay, now for the real drug part. I've been having this ongoing war with C's uncle on Facebook about how he thinks I should smoke marijuana and all of my reasons as to why that's a bad idea and I'm not going to do it. He keeps bringing it up, over and over and freaking over again, even after I went on his wall and literally said, "Please stop telling me to do pot." Well, he didn't. So when I was drunk I hopped on fb to message some of my close friends about my mistake and how awful I was feeling. I also popped out a status update, and the following comment war ensued. I find it hilarious, epic, and also pathetic. It ended with my unfriending and blocking this uncle of C's, because I realized (through the efforts of my friend) that I don't have to put up with that crap.

I now give you the Do U Smoke? comment war.

Cassandra I accidentally did a bad thing and now there are repercussions that I am not fond of. Hergablergh.

Yesterday at 6:45pm

R that could mean a lot of things.
Yesterday at 6:46pm · Like

Cassandra Yup. Purposefully ambiguous. That way I won't be judged. This is, after all, a public forum.
Yesterday at 6:46pm · Like · 2
R I highly doubt I would judge you, but its possible.
Yesterday at 6:47pm · Like
Cassandra lol No, probably not you... but others, definitely.
Yesterday at 6:47pm · Like

R I once ate some Chinese food that made me sick and then I went back for seconds...just kidding, that was my husband.
Yesterday at 6:48pm · Like

C Hah! Really? That's terrible... he must have felt awful.
Yesterday at 6:48pm · Like

R he could have killed himself!
Yesterday at 6:49pm · Like

R One time I didn't write something down and then I forgot what it was. Ok, lots of times.
Yesterday at 6:50pm · Like

Cassandra Yeah, that's pretty much the story of my life!
Yesterday at 6:50pm · Like

M You are absolved!
Yesterday at 6:51pm · Like · 1
Cassandra Gaaaah, if only it worked like that!
Yesterday at 6:51pm · Like · 1
B another way of saying u smoke
Yesterday at 6:57pm · Like

Cassandra I'm pretty sure that would be a purposeful action, so no.
Yesterday at 6:58pm · Like

B just do it it feels good
Yesterday at 6:59pm · Like

B i heard
Yesterday at 6:59pm · Like

Cassandra That is one of the worst reasons to do anything, especially when it's something that could result in my husband losing his job and thus my losing my health insurance. "You heard"? Yeah, suuuuuure lol
Yesterday at 6:59pm · Like

B he should think of you and get another job that respects the constitution
Yesterday at 7:02pm · Like

Cassandra He is thinking of me. He has a great job with good healthcare that allows for advancement, not to mention it's a stable job in a crazy economy and will provide for our family for decades to come. Just because smoking MIGHT help me means he should give up his job in one of the cities with the highest unemployment rates in the country? I think not. I'd rather he keep his job and be able to pay our bills.
Yesterday at 7:04pm · Like · 4

B in regards to ya sure i'm neither a user or an advocate just don't want u to be in pain a suggestion
Yesterday at 7:08pm · Like

Cassandra Thanks. I appreciate the sentiment.
Yesterday at 7:09pm · Like

S that's the rub, is that the pain will likely stay forever, regardless of what treatments tried. you always trade something for pain relief, whether it is organ function or mental clarity.
Yesterday at 7:10pm · Like

B just smoke the pot and be well nobody will tell anybody . no one will come to ur house and say be ill, and just keep the music down you will be ok its better then meds
23 hours ago · Like

L The lady said no several times on several threads. I'm glad you're so passionate about trying to help, but maybe redirect that passion to being supportive of the decision she already made? 

^Ranting because the "No I will not smoke pot" explanation shouldn't have to be given on every single thread. Sorry for crossing that line, not sorry I feel this way
23 hours ago · Like · 1

Cassandra Thank you, L. I appreciate that, and I feel the same way.
19 hours ago · Like

Cassandra So true, S. What a lame predicament.
19 hours ago · Like

B hey L you sound like you could use some pot too for your head you sound angry thank you have a nice day and i dont smoke pot but if it would help me i would if i was in pain and D be your own man r u a cop too dont let them brain wash you be happy have nice day nephew
3 hours ago · Like

L B, I am angry with you for trying to pressure my friend into doing something she doesn't want to do despite the fact that she's told you her position on the matter numerous times. I'm sure you would smoke pot of your situation was similar to Cassie's in which case i would be supportive of your choice, and she would probably be nice enough not to spam you with frequent messages about how you shouldn't smoke pot. Her choice is her choice, and you should either respect and support it or keep your dissatisfaction with her decision to yourself.
3 hours ago via mobile · Like

B pressure?
3 hours ago · Like

L Yes. Pressure. You take every conceivable opportunity to tell her to smoke pot. She tells you in no uncertain terms that she will not smoke pot, has her reasons for having reached that decision, and has shared those reasons with you. In spite of that, you continue to hound her about your opinion of her decision for her health and her family. If you were at a gathering of your friends and colleagues and someone told you to have a drink and you refused and they kept telling you to take it, it's just one drink, it's not going to hurt anything, just do it, etc. it would be peer pressure. If you were at a bar or club trying to pick up somebody and they told you no multiple times and you didn't get the hint the bouncer would remove you from the building for harassing the other patrons. No on the internet is just as valid as no in real life.

2 hours ago via mobile · Like

B you seem so angry you should smoke pot too and be happy
2 hours ago · Like

B who are you anyways you seem so animated like bart simpson or stewie, have a nice day
2 hours ago · Like

L Me smoking pot will not make you less of a drug-pusher, nor will it change the fact that i don't like my friends to be harassed.
2 hours ago via mobile · Like

B are you a cop
2 hours ago · Like

B drug pusher ,you sound crazy too
2 hours ago · Like

B i see how you hide your self
2 hours ago · Like

B just stop bullying me, too much sadness from you have a nice day cop
2 hours ago · Like

B are you driving and texting thats bad too smoking pot and texting and driving have a nice day and leave me alone please
2 hours ago · Like

L Since you said please, I will oblige. That's what grown ups do.
2 hours ago via mobile · Like

Cassandra Oh. my. god. Really? REALLY? B, I will discuss this with you in a private message, but publicly I will say that I don't appreciate the direction you took this conversation. L, thank you for dealing with the topic in a mature manner. We're done with this now.
8 minutes ago · Like

Private message:

B, I agree with my friend L. I feel as though you have continued to ply me with unwelcome pressure to do something that I have stated in no uncertain terms that I do not wish to do. I explicitly asked you to stop telling me to smoke pot, but you have only increased your efforts to get me to try marijuana. Why? What's the big fucking deal? I have explained myself to you time and time again, and I no longer wish to do so, since you CLEARLY don't get it. To see you insult my friends, my husband, and my brother in law is the last straw. I will be unfriending you.

Also, you may want to consider what you blast all over a public forum regarding your stance on prohibited substances. Some states may have legalized the use of marijuana, but it is still a federal crime. If you are ever busted, those comments of yours are incredibly incriminating. Don't think for a second that cops don't use Facebook to nail people. Just a thought.

So that's over and done. I have a funny story to tell, my brother in law wrote me an apology/explanation message about his uncle's behavior, and I am more self-aware and empowered when it comes to dealing with unwanted pressure. Lesson learned, life skills gained, and it's all good. I feel good about myself that this really didn't ruffle my emotional feathers as it would have in the past. It was totally not personal to me, and that's great.

I can't even... I just can't. I'm done. So very, very done.

I didn't sleep last night. (I should be trying to sleep now, but the pain is hammering away at me and I'm thoroughly distracted by it.) I was definitely at a 10 on the traditional pain scale, and having a full body twitching episode to boot. C held me while I cried. Well, ok, I dozed some eventually... but I kept waking myself up with cries and moans of pain and alarm. My PTSD symptoms have been escalating gradually over the past few days, and I'm not sure why. They've been interrupting my sleep, and last night was particularly bad. I've been anxious, too... jumpy. Whatever.

Anyway, I wasn't able to drive because I couldn't lift my arms or turn from side to side, but a friend picked me up and took me to my doctor's appointment. While there, the endocrinologist proceeded to exclaim over how I've gained 17 lbs in the past 3 months.

Great. Thanks, doc. I knew I'd been gaining weight, and I'm trying to eat healthy so as not to gain unnecessarily, but I'm pretty much in enforced sedentary mode, here. Not to mention that the Lyrica made me gain some weight, and I never lost the weight I put on from eating all those damn cookies (oh, those delicious cookies!)...

So anyway, I went in feeling crappy and exhausted and miserable and in pain and came out feeling even worse about myself.

I'm so done.

I'm sinking lower and lower into the pit of depression that I recognize oh-so-well... and I feel like I'm too weak to even try to pull myself out, or slow my descent at all. If anything, I welcome the abyss. It's familiar and painful and maybe this inner pain and shredding self-hatred will distract me from the physical pain that is leaching the color from my life and the life from my soul.

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I am your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

I didn't realize it beforehand, but colonoscopy prep is a surefire recipe for a big-time fibro flare. Especially if you schedule it for the morning.

I've been fasting (clear liquids only) since Monday morning, but frequently drinking juices and tea with honey to keep my blood sugar up. It's been okay-ish, until this evening... and then I really started feeling it. Weak legs, shaky hands, general fatigue... of course, the harsh pain that tears out my insides when I don't eat on time or at all...

Also, due to the timing of the whole thing, there's really no point in sleep at all. Up and down to use the restroom every 10, 15 minutes... Sleep? What's that?!

I couldn't figure out why, despite normal doses of tramadol, I kept getting achier and achier, and just really not feeling well. What's going on? I haven't felt this way since before I started this med?

Then it hit me. Duh. Not eating on time (or skipping meals altogether) and lack of sleep are two major triggers for my fibro. Also, I haven't been getting good sleep lately anyway, and last night's was especially bad. Bad dreams. Woke up a lot.

I took as many painkillers as I dare to (which means normal dosage, but closer together than I normally would), but I still hurt as much as if I hadn't taken one all day. Sadness!

And yet, a blessing in disguise... because I realize that the tramadol has been bringing me so much relief that I was beginning to forget what it was like before I got on it. I had actually been considering lately, Well, maybe I can get off of this stuff... I mean, I'm not really in pain anymore. Maybe I don't need it? Hehe. Now I remember what it's been stopping! 'Cause really? Owwwwwwwwwwwww!

Today's gonna be a b***h. I've got the colonoscopy, then C and I are going out for sushi, and then we're heading out to hunt down a realtor. When we get back, though... I'm going to crash, and crash hard. I had thought that I would be fine and dandy by evening, or the next day, buuuuut... I forgot to factor in my grand piano. (Remembering my last colonoscopy, I was fully recovered by evening.) I've got work and both of my classes the next day, and I'm tempted to skip them, but... I know that going to yoga will help me get back on track faster, and I love my job and need the money, and I really like my Spanish class, soooo... I'll be pushing myself through it. Probably high on pain killers ^_^ And I'm almost positive I'll be using my walker. But I'll be there.

No, I never thought I'd stoop to the level of defending my depression (or perhaps my right to be depressed? Or maybe defending the reality of my depression?).

I guess it's kind of like that annoying kid brother-- you want so badly to be rid of it, but let anyone talk bad about it, and you rise to the cause.

Anyway, I just can't fathom the supreme ignorance of someone who would suggest that my at-times debilitating struggle with intense cyclic depression is the product of boredom, or perhaps just a bad day? Because, you know, everyone has bad days and gets down. Yes. I know that. But you don't understand... this is FAR more than just a 'bad day'. Like, hey, so-and-so, have you ever been depressed? Had a bad day? (So-and-so says yes, of course.) See? It's nothing. Everyone goes through that. Right. Pull the other one.


(Here's the kicker...)

Besides, you don't look depressed.

Oh, yeah. Because if I don't look like something's wrong with me, it must not be. No, I don't look like I have cancer, so I must be fine. Nope, don't look like I have hypothyroidism, so I don't. Food allergies? Nah. I don't look like the kind of person who has food allergies, so I'll eat whatever the ---- I want!


And you know what really irks me? That is the exact same response I got when I was looking and looking for help those years I was so sick. "But you don't look sick. You look healthy! I'm sure it's nothing."

And what nudges me over the fine line between irked and really ticked off is that this incredibly ignorant person is supposed to be a naturopath... someone who prides themselves on their health knowledge.

Really? Really?!


Gaaaaah!

After walking fast and hard for an hour or so, yelling to God, and just basically venting, I came to this conclusion...

I do not need her validation on my problem. I know that sounds kind of weird, but it goes kind of like this:

I have a problem. Namely, depression. My best efforts have not knocked this, and I'm finally looking for help.

I do not need your permission or validation to know that I have a problem, and I need outside help with it.

Just because you are dismissing my problem doesn't mean it's going away. Been there, done that.

Therefore, I am owning my truth, which is this-- I have a problem, and I need some outside help. Thus, I am getting that help, regardless of what you think. And I am going to get better. I am going to be normal and stable... no thanks to you.

:)

(P.S.- I DON'T have cancer! Just an example. Besides... I look too healthy for that.)