Well, I've made my decision. I'm going to Y, and starting school in September.

It's a good decision, and it's been confirmed on several fronts. (Most importantly, my financial aid advisor at the school told me that it's my wisest option right now, financially.)

The Christmas concert is over, and it went well. I came to the point where I thought, "Que sera sera". It is what it is. The kids did well :)

So... I'm supposed to be packing. But I'm not. (Clearly.) I just want to veg, and not DO anything anymore. I'll get plenty of that on the plane, I suppose. I am going to exert my will and do this thing! Pack my suitcases like a boss.

Tonight, we're going to open gifts, and that'll be nice. We did a secret gift exchange, you know, drawing names? That made it so us poor people could still do something in the way of gifts :)

I had quite the experience on Thurs. I drove up the grade to drop off some bikes at a friend's house (they're currently in Thailand, and we're borrowing their bikes), and when I hit the "unlock" button on the car (not my car, btw), I accidentally "locked" the car. I ended up being locked out of J's running car for three hours... the ONE night that it had snowed several inches. And I was wearing tennis shoes, having just left racquetball. And, naturally, I locked my hat, gloves, scarf, and jacket inside the car (which was also remarkably warm and toasty). And, just as naturally, J has no spare key. Of course.

Well, after hiking down to the neighbor's house and essentially hijacking his cell phone (he had a severe  toothache and sort of endured the situation, but was a great sport and a wonderful help), finding out that AAA will not come to your aid unless you are the owner of the car, finding a piece of wire in the snow and getting in the window (only to find that it was too short to do anything), and ending up in the neighbor's house watching TV for a while, I finally got into the car when our local transvestite locksmith came up the grade to my rescue.

My, oh, my. I drove the hour home and fell into bed about one a.m.

I guess that's what I get for liking adventure ^_^

Thinking of going to Y, I had to challenge the "all-or-nothing" cognitive distortion that I follow so easily, and realize that, just because I'm not going to school immediately does not mean that it's not happening.

I heard this song today, and feel like it applies to me and this next phase of my life.

Talked to my grandparents- they'd LOVE to have me for many moons. :)

As I told my grampa, going to this school is not a matter of "if", but "when"-- will I go in January, or will I wait until September? As I told the family at the dinner table, when you think about it, 9 months is not a big chunk of time. In the grand scheme of things, this decision really isn't a huge one. It could change my life forever... but then again, it probably won't.

Turning left at the stop-sign instead of right could maneuver me away from a potential fatal car accident, but do I know that? No. Life altering decisions are usually not conscious ones, I think.

However, I have a place to stay in SoCal now, if I choose to go in Jan. That's nice.

Here are my lists...

Sept- Pros
-Housing in Y
-Healing Journey
-Experience working w/support group
-Time to work out finances, save $
-Day classes
-Less time crunch
-Less gas $ to get down there
-Able to re-apply for FAFSA as an independent
-Able to apply for WISP scholarship
-Transition time
-Free piano lessons from a good teacher (my Gramma!)
-Don't have to re-apply to school

Sept- Cons
-Uncertain job situation (can I get one while there?)
-Heat!
-Changing plans... again.
-Old friends around (C, namely)

Jan- Pros
-Housing
-"Needed"
-No delay
-No "going back on my word"
-Close to friends
-Can go ahead and come- don't need loans to get a place to live anymore

Jan- Cons
-Uncertain job situation
-Go straight into "life" with no finances- living hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck, or living off loans
-Heat!
-Evening classes

Hmm. Now, time to pray. Lord, what would you have me to do?

I could be watching a movie with the fam, but I know I need to process, or else I will lose myself in the swirl of activity that tomorrow will bring, and whatever insights I might have gained will be lost.

How do you force yourself to process through feelings? It's kind of like... well... like... something that doesn't work very well, that's what it's like.

By the way, I wish that I played cello. And fiddle. And piano. Those are the next 3 instruments I'm going to tackle. I've already begun piano a little bit.

Okay, focusing back on topic now...

I was just so frustrated today, so upset... it seems like all my plans and ideas are crumbling, turning to ashes... like it's all for naught.

And here's the kicker-- this is the first time I've really researched and done my "homework" and laid out a plan and saved and... tried to do it the responsible, mature, motivated way. Most things, I just kind of go with whatever opportunity presents itself and assume that's God's will.

No, I take that back-- I did the research and homework and whatnot with summer camp, too. That didn't turn out so good.

And here I am again. Maybe I should just make opportunism my modus operandi?

Let's chart this out...

My first big decision for myself was to go door to door. Research? Nope. I didn't even know what it was about except that I was selling books. How hard can that be? Hah! But that was a step towards God.

Next: Attend academy. Research? Nope. I just visited it several times as a kid, and knew that I wanted to go there. And my family friend wanted me to go, too. Another step towards God.

After that, move in with boyfriend and get a job. Bad decision, I realized later. Hmm...

Then, leave boyfriend-now-fiance and go to SOULS. Research? Nope. J talked to me, I knew that I had to get out of the situation I was in, and this was a handy out. Yet another step towards God.

When I'm about to graduate SOULS (about a month left?) and no idea where I'm going next or what I'm doing, the Idaho guys came down to interview students. They interviewed me, and I got a job a few weeks after graduation, which led me to Idaho.

I did do some research that time, to see whether I wanted Spokane, or the little country churches. I looked at the cities' websites, and I chose the country churches.

Aaaaaand... I've been here two years now. I did major homework on which summer camps to apply to, took the first one that contacted me, and... what a summer that was. (Mer.)  So that decision was a mix of the two types of decision making, really.

Then, I left camp early and decided the night that I left that I would drive out to WI for my dad. It was a great decision. I have absolutely zero regrets, and I'm so glad I did it. Talk about impulsive ;)

And now... researching and contacting schools, figuring out where I'd like to go, which schools offer what I want, etc. etc, looking for places to stay, figuring out viable options, researching scholarships and grants, filling out my FAFSA forms, and... for what?!

I talked to the financial aid lady today (finally!). It's weird, because I seem to have a semi-difficult time getting ahold of the staff at this school, whereas the school in Colorado was always so prompt... I wish this school were like that. Anyway, I finally talked to her, and realized that she had no idea that I needed to work out financial details now, because I have no money and no place to stay when I get down there. She said she'd do some figuring and call me back.

I about fell apart on the way home. It seems like everything I've tried is just not working out. The $10,000 scholarship that I thought I was guaranteed fell through. The churches I've contacted asking for a place to stay haven't contacted me back, except one. (Seriously? At least call me back to tell me, "No"!) The job I applied for hasn't contacted me, either.

As I was driving home, crying and praying, it occurred to me that perhaps God is setting the stage for something awesome. I'd really like to believe that.

I'm scared. Terrified, really. I'm scared that I'm going to go down there, only to wind up homeless. I'm afraid that I'll find out that I can't get enough money and I'll have to leave to do...???

I'm afraid that it's not going to work out. I'm afraid that I'm going to be dependent on others forever. I'm afraid of getting stranded on my way down because I only have a few hundred dollars. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid that I can't actually make it on my own.

I'm afraid that I'm going to be living in poverty forever, that I'll never make it out. I'm afraid that I will have to sacrifice my dreams on the altar of necessity.

I'm afraid that life will become nothing more than a vicious battle to simply survive.

I'm afraid because I have no backup plan. Everything I have is staked on this. And it seems to be falling apart.

I just feel so helpless!! Why can't I be self sufficient and independent, dammit?! And why do I still say bad words?! lol

I want so much to be consistent, stable... mature. Responsible. And yet I find myself constantly swinging from idea to idea, from thing to thing... It's like I have this conception of my ideal self, yet I cannot achieve it. And that frustrates me. And angers me. And scares me.

I don't want to be trapped in mediocrity.

I was sharing all this with Mom today, interspersed with tears, of course. How scared I am, and how frustrated, and how I have nowhere to go and I don't know what to do and why is this not working the way it's supposed to?!

She pointed out to me that I do have somewhere to go. Gma and Gpa would love to have me, if I wanted to wait a few months, or if I can't get this financial stuff straightened out in time.

I told her that the S's want me to leave. The sentiment in the statement is not quite the same as the sentiment they express, but it's pretty clear that it's time for me to move on. And January is the time they ("they" meaning C, lol) have set for me to move on.

And you know... E would love to have me work with her.

I could wait. I don't have to rush off. Going back to Y is a viable option. I don't know if the school has a spring starting date, or if I'd have to wait until fall, but... I could.

Who says I have to start in January? Nobody. And who would rag on me if I didn't? Probably just myself. Because once I say I'm going to do something, I want to do it! Right away! lol

And if I did go back... I could get a job, maybe. Like Mom said, there's always Denny's. Yuck. Actually, maybe not...

But seriously. Would I be a failure if I did not start school in January? Because that's what that voice in my head tells me... "You said you were going to start in January. So either do it, or scrap the whole idea. None of this 'wait till later' stuff. That's failure talk. Either you do it or you don't."

Who to believe? Mom sounded awfully believable while I was talking to her.

I need to pray about this some more.... and make phone calls.

I'll take L's advice and start pushing on some doors ;) As they say, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

But, oh... I just don't know.

Sure, it's an adventure. That's one of the only things that keeps my spirits up.

For today... Monday, December 12th, 2011

Outside my window... There is finally a thin dusting of snow on the ground-- and it stayed all day! I think winter might be settling in at last.

I am thinking... about last minute details to pull together for the Concert. About school... about wheretheheckamIgonnalivethisisridiculousamIreallygonnahavetoliveinmycar?! About trusting God. About fears and failure and hope and tears and independence and overcoming. About strength. About flexibility vs. instability, spontaneity vs. irresponsibility.

I am thankful... for my mother, and her words of wisdom. For friends and objective opinions. For becoming hairstyles. For a heater in my room. That I didn't drink that bottle of Coke.

From the learning room... The coloration of lunar eclipses is due to the sunlight filtering through Earth's atmosphere as it passes in front of the sun. The amount of volcanic activity on Earth at the time of a lunar eclipse significantly affects the perceived color of the moon during the eclipse.

I am wearing... white socks, green cargo pants, navy blue t-shirt, grey and black hoodie.

I am going... to pack a lunch for work tomorrow.

I am reading...  Nothing. Except I almost finished A Bridge Across Time... but put it back away.

I am hoping... to have an answer to this mess soon. To learn valuable skills and lessons.

I am looking forward to... sleep. Seeing my family next week.

I am hearing... my beautiful classical/instrumental music. Currently, Toccata by W. Byrd on the harp.

A few plans for the rest of the week: Work tomorrow, decorate/rehearse for the Concert on Weds. See the counselor on Thurs, last racquetball, then over to S's house to spend Thurs. night and clean her house on Fri. Church and Christmas Concert this Sabbath, Sun. and Mon. packing for my trip to WI. Also, making phone calls about school, tying up loose ends, trying to get the financial aid stuff figured out. Packing for school, maybe thinning out my belongings again?

Here is a "picture for thought" I am sharing:

I felt, for the first time in recollection, what can only be described as vindictive happiness.

I know, I know, it's an oxymoron, really.

The thought process behind it was such:

Wow, you're sure in a crappy mood. Hmm. How about that. Well, you know what? I've got a whole day ahead of me that doesn't need to be affected by your crabbiness, and you know what else? You can be miserable by yourself. I'm not going to let your mood affect me. I'm going to be happy anyway. So there. Take that, Crabby McCrabberson.


Unfortunately, my thoughts didn't stop there, and I shortly realized that I, too, was a Crabby McCrabberson... sorta. I wasn't letting it show on the outside, but I was just having one of those days where I can't, can't, can't wait to move out.

It's funny, the swings I go through.
Ach, they're my family! How will I ever live without them? I shall miss them so!
 all the way to
Good grief, I'm so done. I'm not yours. You don't have claims on me. What I do is out of free will, voluntary service, and I'm ready to pull the plug.


And, today, I was on the outer edge of the pendulum swing.

Part of me gets a bitter, smug satisfaction out of the thought that You're gonna miss me. Nah nah nah nahnahnah. Just wait... just wait till I'm gone. Then you'll see how hard life is without me.


Dumb, right? Especially since J is coming home. It'll be a smooth transition, probably. While she was gone, I was here. Now that I'm going, she'll be back. They'll always have had 2 daughters in the home to help with the family mechanics.

As I was pondering my mood and my irritated thoughts (and praying!! Lord, deliver me from this b****iness!), it also occurred to me... the world ought to be grateful that I'm not the Messiah.

Because Jesus is sympathetic. We don't have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but rather one who was in all points tempted like we are, yet without sin.

I was definitely not sympathetic. And so it was a vindictive happiness, not true happiness, as I later discovered.

I forgot exactly how many days I had left, and I was thinking that I had one more week, so I was internally freaking out a little bit, but then when I was doing dishes I realized that, no, I have two weeks.

Yay!

Excerpt from an email from a friend entitled "cow head":

Cow head is under the stairs. (vacuum closet) Please don't let the children play with it. I can't think of anything worse than a broken cow head.


That pretty much made my day.

Oh, and finding ten bucks in the pocket of my jeans (gas money) that I had put there a while back. That always cheers a body up!

Oh, and finishing a top secret project for some topsecretness which I cannot currently unveil due to the sheer topsecreticity of it.

It's been pretty good, today. God reminded me not to worry, not to freak out. After all, am I not worth more than many sparrows? His love is unfailing, and if I can see the big picture long enough to realize how fleeting and insignificant my money troubles are in the face of the reality that I have the Sovereign Ruler of the Universe taking care of me (the one who created gold and silver, aight?), then I can rest peacefully in the assurance that I am going to be okay. No matter what my bank statement says. God is not limited by Wells Fargo, people! I just want the world to know that.

More importantly, I want my own soul to know that.

I like good days. Especially when they end with my hand in God's hand.

Coming down to the wire. I'm packing my room, and it's a total mess. It's driving me nuts. But I'm getting rid of a lot of stuff, downsizing again.

I just may be able to fit all my possessions in my Buick again. That'd be nice.

I don't like the feeling of having more stuff than I can take with me.

I've got a lot going on right now, besides just school. That Christmas Concert is becoming a love-hate engagement. Who knew it took so much work to plan even a simple event? *sigh*

And Adventurers is a lot of work. Honestly, I'm glad I'm leaving. It gives me a chance to step out gracefully, because there's really no one else around who would/could help out. Ahh, the challenges of a small church... It'll be SO different down south. There are more churches than you can shake a stick at, and many of them have Sabbath school classes the size of our entire church!

I don't think I'm working at the bakery this week. Mixed blessing. I sure could use the cash, but the Lord blessed last payday, and I had enough to buy Christmas gifts, which I wasn't sure I would. I've got a housecleaning job after I get back from WI that should net me about a hundred bucks. I keep forgetting that I'm used to calculating gas for a round trip to and from Cali, but this time, it's a one-way. So that hundred bucks might actually get me there.

If not, I mean, I can always panhandle for a while, right? ;)

I guess the reality is finally setting in that I'm leaving, and I'm excited/dreading it. I mean, it's always exciting, moving on to the "next thing", but I know that the grass really isn't any greener on the other side, and life is not a bed of roses. I'll have struggles and pains and worries, and this time I won't have a family around me. It'll just be me. No buffer. Just me and God against the world.

On the other hand, I'm getting restless. I catch myself thinking (especially when I'm annoyed about something), "Yeah, just wait. I'll be outta here soon. Just a little longer..."

There's so much I'll miss, though. I love this place. Idaho has captured my heart. The people have won my admiration, respect, and loyalty. (And, at times, bemusement.)

If it's up to me, I'll be back.

But on the other hand... what if there's somewhere else equally amazing out there?

I've begun compiling a list of the adventures I'd like to have, including but not limited to:

-Hiking Half Dome
-Visiting all 7 of the 7 Wonders of North America (still)
-Hiking Mt. Whitney
-Backpacking across Az
-Taking a summer to backpack across the U.S. and see how far I get
-Visit Alaska
-Go hiking and dog sledding in Alaska
-Paint balling with K
Etc.

I can't remember them all right now.

Regardless... I'm ready for another adventure. The drive to WI really revved me up. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, and I loved the independence of it. I'm not scared to travel by myself. I've been doing it for years. (Although... it is nice to have a traveling buddy, but one of the same mindset.)

This song has been running through my head lately.

I'm gonna go pack up some more of my room.

The walls and dressers are so bare... it doesn't look like anyone lives here anymore. :(