Went to a graduation party today. One of my friends from church school and academy got his degree in biophysics. What a smarty pants! But apparently biophysics is a little less "mathy" than what you would typically think of with physics. It honestly sounds pretty neat. He wants to specialize in something like "health biophysics" or whatever it's called-- basically protecting people from radiation. Sounds like a worthy ambition. Can't say I've ever aspired to it myself, but... it takes all kinds, right?

The thing was... the other attendees were almost exclusively people from church, so I got the inevitable, "Oh, I haven't seen you in a while! Where have you been?"

Ah, well, you see, I was in Idaho...


"Oh, that's neat. So how is school coming along? Where are you going to school again? When are you leaving?"

Well, actually... I'm staying here. Going to the community college.


"Really? That's wonderful! I'm so glad! We look forward to having you around!"

And that's where I got super non-committal. And stayed that way.

Because I don't really want to tell them that I don't know if I'll ever come back...

It's not that I don't want to, in a way. It's just that... I wish that I could come back as a stranger, as one whom they didn't automatically look to for involvement and whatnot. I wish I had a clean slate... but I've had so much invested there over the years that this is impossible. They watched me grow up. I did my Bible work practicum there. I've preached sermons there, given talks, sung them songs... there's no way to erase all that. It is what it is.

I went to that Sunday night service at the church that's been so nice to me, but it still didn't click for me. The first time, I was nervous about being in a different denomination's church, and I was apprehensive about being at church, period. This time, I realize that I just don't dig the way they worship. I mean, wonderful people. They're amazing, and so loving and sincere. But it's not for me... so I'll check out the other two churches I found with weekend evening services.

Despite all this floundering around, I still can't bring myself to go to church on Sunday mornings, or to treat Sunday as any way holy. I have a hard enough time with Sabbath... and knowing that Sunday is a bogus holy day (thanks, Catholic church) just kind of throws a wrench in it for me. Like, if I'm going to go to anything right now without going to actual church on Sabbath... let it be something other than "Sunday church", you know?

But I've also thought that the day I am able to seek out fellowship is kind of irrelevant to the day that I honor as holy. I mean, prayer meeting doesn't make Wednesdays holy, right? I dunno. I still feel uncomfortable with the image "Sunday churching" presents. I don't want to be a total rebel, after all.

So anyway, I left halfway through the service tonight, because I just realized how pointless it was for me to be there. Also, wasn't feeling too hot.

This potato thing is really getting me. Most GF stuff has potato starch/flour in it, do you realize that? So does Egg Replacer. Srsly? How much harder can eating get?! But I choose to view this as a challenge... (And perhaps this is why I've been getting sick all along, even when I'm "doing everything right"?) I always thought that I got queasy after potato chips because of the grease, but maybe not. And there was that time with the potato tacos in LA that I got suuuuper sick, and didn't know why... I mean, it's not like an instantaneous death sentence, but it's pretty consistent (at least now that I'm noticing). Sometimes I can get away with it, sometimes I can't. Seems like most times I can't, lately.

Yesterday, I was I was curled up on the bed in pain (potato starch in the egg replacer and the GF flour blend I used-- realized too late), C really expressed concern, and wants me to get to a doctor to get this straightened out.

Um, yes. Back to the church friends thing.

I'm just really wondering whether this pressure that I feel is actually real, or just imagined on my part? Like, can we all really still be friends if I choose to believe a different way than they do? Or will I be pressured? Shunned? Guilt tripped? I alternately cherish and dread the idea of setting firm boundaries and sticking to them in the area of religious beliefs and my rights to whatever beliefs I choose. Perhaps I just spent too long looking down on others who believe differently, cracking jokes about them... or too long in the quiet war for approval and acceptance, whatever the cost?

It's just hard for me to be okay with knowing that I've disappointed people, deliberately gone against their wishes... but if our friendship cannot withstand the divergence of mindsets or ideals, then it wasn't really a relationship I want around anyway, is it? I look at the C's, the S's, at K and J and H as prime examples of how friendship and relationship ought to be, even as one or both parties is in flux.

And you know what?

It's okay if others disagree with my choices. I mean, really, it is. I am not living my life for them, though they make up a portion of my life, if that makes sense. Even if everyone thinks I'm doing the wrong thing, but I believe that I am making a good, right choice... then that's what matters, isn't it? After all, I'm the one that has to live with this decision.

I see how God has somehow talked me out of decisions that I would have indeed regretted to one degree or another down the road. I also see more clearly how I am supposed to make well-informed decisions for myself, rather than waiting around for God to dictate every move of my life to me. Not gonna happen.

Now... if I could just strike a balance...

Oh, and FD was at the party, too. I was surprised to find that I no longer actively hate him. It's just like... whatever, dude. I don't even care anymore. You're not my responsibility, and I'm not going to worry about you. I mean, yeah, what he did was definitely wrong, and it still ticks me off and gets my ire up when I think about it, but it's done. It's over. It doesn't matter anymore. Just... whatever. I don't trust him any farther than I can throw him, but I can be pleasant to him without actively faking it... most of the time. If you're the one that did that, God, then I surely appreciate it.


Tomorrow, we go running errands at the mall, and C has a certain little package to pick up. He mentioned he had to pick something up, and I (brazenly) asked what it was (though I knew perfectly well), but he just said, "Oh, I just have to pick something up." So I left it alone. Now as to when he passes on that little package to a certain blog author... that I have no clue about. I don't know when or how he intends to do it. I just know that he can and will at some point. And the suspense just leaves me in a shiver of excitement. I love surprises.

I also love sleep. (Though it seems I've been needing less lately than I have been the past few months... but it could just be a fluke. It's only been a week. But I'm thinking that the Cell Food Mom sent me is really something... not to mention that my acne is starting to dry up! Could be a.) the decreased dosage of DHEA, b.) the Proactive body wash J gave me, c.) the Cell Food, or d.) All of the above. Whatever it is, I'm stoked. If this keeps up, I won't have to go back on antibiotics!! ^_^)

I love the poem "Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann. The title is Latin, and it means, "desired things". Just like the Serenity Prayer, there are certain parts that jump out to me at certain times, such as...

"Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here."

I need that reminder. It's all too easy to jump down my own throat. I treat myself in a way that I would never treat another person, not even my enemy, and I don't think that's right.

I went to the Domestic Violence group on Tuesday night, and it was very good. I'm beginning to think and/or realize that being molested may not be the thing that had the greatest negative impact on me, but rather growing up in dv households. I think I'm going to begin the search for another counselor, or begin phone sessions with my counselor from up north. I'd really like a local counselor, but I'll take what I can get.

I've been going around and around with this C thing... hating myself for not being strong. Like, seriously? Just say no, right? Riiiiight...

He's been on my brain all week.

E and I talked Tues. about him, about the situation... One of the startling things she said was, "I'm not trying to break you guys up." I stared openmouthed at her, then said, "Well, I want you to!" (Talk about ambivalence- I've got that mastered and in full swing right now.) But seriously. I want someone to tell me, "No. You can't." Why? Maybe so that it's not my decision. Maybe so that I have some impetus to make a decision that I fear so much. Maybe to back up all the voices that have told me throughout the years, "You can't. You are settling. He's not good enough. Don't do it." My question is, when will anyone ever be good enough? I've never dated a guy that was "good enough" by other's standards. That's me- forever settling.  (Maybe I'm just too awesome for my own good.) So, honestly, part of me wants to say, "To the devil with you! It's not your call!"

E encouraged me to make a list of pro's and con's, which I vigorously objected to, because I am not in a relationship with C. She agreed that he needs to be Christian before I could seriously consider him, but she did point out that I am, in fact, in love, and to weigh that factor in my dealings with C. She said, "Many women make the mistake of becoming so analytical that they forget to factor in feelings. You need to think, yes, but don't forget about your feelings, because they're a part of it too."

She also encouraged me about who God is... that he's a god of mercy and forgiveness, and he understands my messed up past and my broken parts and my weaknesses. Not that he condones my actions, but he understands my heart, and he loves me. That's good, because I'm having a hard time understanding my own heart right now.

It's about C, but it's not just about C. I love him, yes, but I also love myself, if that makes sense. (It really doesn't, because I don't have much in the way of self-love, but I'll explain.) You see, when I'm with C... I'm worthwhile. I'm accepted. I'm wanted. When I'm with C, I'm beautiful. I'm intelligent. I am a cherished treasure. I'm exciting and desirable. When I'm with C, I'm a good person. When I'm with C, I am loved for who I am, not for what I do or don't do.

I see all these things, and I know that I should be getting that from God, not C, but I just can't seem to get that from Him. I don't know why. I don't understand it. I want it, to be sure. But it's just not there. There's a mental and emotional block of sorts.

E told me not to be too hard on myself. So did Mom. Because when I am so vicious and cutting, it leads to paralyzing discouragement, which is exactly where the adversary wants me... paralyzed.

I had a sort of talk with C last night, because I realize that I really just want to be loved and feel good about myself, and I don't want to take advantage of him because we are not in a relationship, but I still want to be with him. He thought it was "cute", and assured me that there's no way I could use him or take advantage of him. But he can't say that I didn't warn him...

I did end up staying the night. I only got 3 hours of sleep. *groan* And the worst part is... I don't really feel guilty. I feel awful about not feeling guilty, and I've agonized with God about that. I worry that I've committed the unpardonable sin, or that, because I'm intentionally sinning, God will write me off.

The worst part is, I've been having questions about and issues with God lately, anyway, and now this... this mess that I've made for myself. *sigh* But, no. I will not forsake God. I must remember how he has led me, and that I know him to be real. I have not followed cunningly devised fables. I have questions, yes, but I know they will be answered in time.

I called Mom this morning in tears, and she helped talk me through it a little. She mostly listened lol. But she did share some words of wisdom and encouragement with me, and agreed to call C and talk to him as well. I felt that she had a clarity and perspective that I couldn't get across to C at this point. She called me later and told me what she told him, but he hasn't talked to me about it yet. We've got a date tomorrow to go to the car show, so I expect we'll talk about it then. She did reiterate to him something that I tried, unsuccessfully, to get across, which is that I need him to be the brakes. I am weak when it comes to him, and I have resolve for the first attempt, or the second, or sorta the third... but then I break down, because I really want him, and that's the whole reason behind going over to his house around bedtime 'cause, oh darn, I'm too tired to drive home and I guess I'll have to spend the night... Shucks. (My bedtime is about the time he gets off of work.) So Mom told him that he needs to be the strong one, the brakes, because I'm weak. His response was, "Guess I've got some growing to do." That gratifies me.

Another thing I've been thinking about is C's character. Was there abuse present in the relationship or not? Or is it something that I've rationalized in to make being apart from him easier? A month or two ago, I took a couple of criteria quizzes online, and while there were a few red flags for each type of abuse- physical, emotional/mental, and sexual (but not verbal)- the criteria for actual abuse did not apply to the relationship... which, I must admit, surprised me. Have I spent these last few years demonizing C so that I can be okay with being apart from him? Like, "Oh, yeah, I'm SO glad I left, because that was abusive, and I should never see him again..." Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I left. It's what I needed to do, and I think it's been the best thing for both of us. We've both grown. He's more open-minded now, less stubborn. But I'm on the alert for red flags. Was he really isolating and manipulative? Or were those just suggestions planted in my head by certain people? I wish I could see this all objectively... I don't want to rationalize either the present or the past for any reason. Let me see reality in all its garish glory.

I get so ticked off at myself for being so weak... but maybe this is just what I need. To be weak. So that I can see myself as I really am... and how God relates to me, really. Without all the false conscience garbage, or the superstitions and assumptions that have fossilized my heart and mind for so many years.

I think I'm done for tonight. I have only scratched the surface of what I need to get off my chest, but I lack the words. I could wish for a larger vocabulary... that'd be a nice birthday gift. :)

Had a conversation with B the other day. We both knew what it was going to be about when I said, "Hey, I need to talk to you. Not now, but I need to set up a time to talk to you."

I showed up at the shop at the appointed time, only to find that he had stepped out. So, I spent some time hanging out with K, talking about the impending awkwardness that I had brought upon myself. She offered to be there for the talk, and it was sweet of her, but I thought that it would probably be even more awkward with her there.

I needed to understand what happened before I went away for the summer. I needed to know if I had been picking up genuine "I'm interested" vibes, or if I was crazy. Without a clear understanding of what transpired, I wasn't sure if I was reading a situation that was actually there, or if I was sexualizing a completely innocent relationship.

Well, B came back to the shop, and we (awkwardly) ignored the proverbial elephant in the room for a little while, but he finally asked if I'd like to take a walk. When we did start walking, I had no idea what to talk about! How do I start this conversation? How in the world do I segue into the topic that's on my mind?

"So... how was your day?"

Hah. Lame.

But it worked. It loosened our tongues to the point that, when B asked what was on my mind (i.e. the reason for "the talk"), I was able to explain myself with a minimum of stammering. I told him that I had, in fact, forgiven him, and that I had done much examining of my motives. I wanted to be certain of my reasons for this talk, and I could say with confidence that it was not out of any desire to hurt him or throw anything in his face. I simply desired clarity and resolution.

B responded with an honesty that I had not anticipated. He shared the whole story with me candidly, and I was gratified to find that I am not, in fact, crazy. He was romantically interested, I was reading the signals aright, and my discomfort was justified.

However, he realizes and recognizes that there is, as he puts it, "a wall between us that is thirty years thick". He says that he felt there was chemistry between us from the first time we met, and if I were older, we could have a good thing going on. I'm not older, though, and nothing beyond friendship is ever going to transpire between us. He's come to grips with that. (Even if I were older, I'm not sure B is someone that I would want to necessarily consider romantically. We get along well, and we work well together, but... yeah.) Oh, yes, and he accepted complete responsibility for the situation. He would not let me take any of the blame, even when I tried to apologize for my lack of wisdom in being so vulnerable with him and confiding in him so much (single guy, single girl, building emotional closeness-- hello, red flag!!).

So, it was good. The awkwardness has evaporated, and I feel free to accept his gestures of friendship as just that- gestures of friendship. I'm not constantly evaluating each action with suspicion. It feels good to be able to just be friends again.

I know that I need to be wise in this, though. I won't be vulnerable with him as I was once, and I will avoid being alone with him. We're friends, but not close friends.

I'm just so glad that this was dealt with. Whew!

And so closes the most awkward saga ever.

I think I may have just forgiven my abuser(s).

"May have? Shouldn't you know if you've forgiven someone?"

Yeah, but, you see... I'm not sure how forgiveness actually works in a scenario like mine... I don't know what it looks like, exactly. But I think it just happened.

I had a rough night last night. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I had bad dreams last night about being abused/molested. It was awful and humiliating, and the worst part about my dreams is that they are so vivid, I feel like it's actually happening. So that's how I spent my night, or at least part of it.

I woke up out of that dream to go to work this morning, and I was fighting flashbacks. Memories were resurfacing, and I was thinking, Not here! Not now!!

I had managed to forget. Sure, it happened. Of course it did. But I had pushed it to the far reaches of my mind where I didn't have to recall it anymore, where I didn't have to feel anything about it... I could discuss the fact that I was molested, but it was an apathetic discourse. Numb. No feeling.

Today, the memories resurfaced (at least, some of them), and now they were accompanied by the feelings of fear, helplessness, and humiliation fresh from my my awful dream.

Finally, work was over, and I went home and just sobbed before God.


I don't even know how to begin processing this!! I feel so humiliated, so worthless and filthy and used... Like, this is all I'm good for- to be humiliated so someone else can get their kicks.


Somehow, God spoke to my heart as I was sobbing... he showed me the Cross.

"You're not worthless. See what value I have placed upon you? What happened to you is not an indicator of your worth and value, it's an indicator of the depravity of the other person. That's what happens to hearts when they are turned away from Me. You have value, my child, and worth. You are loved."

And when I realized that G and C's hearts were turned away from God... I realized that I could forgive them. What they did was wrong. They humiliated me, they hurt me, and it was wrong. But it's not my place to hold it against them anymore. Yes, it was wrong, but now they are accountable to God, not to me.

I even said it out loud. (Well, kinda whispered, but whatever. It was audible.)

"I forgive you, G."

I put him in prison. I still think it was the right thing to do. Even if I forgive him, he still needs to be accountable for the wrong, illegal things that he did. He needs to experience the consequences of his actions.

"I forgive you, C."

The humiliation and shame I experienced at his hands was a direct result of the warpage I received at the hands of G. If I were healthy, I would not have stood for those things.

His heart, too, is turned away from God... and I see what an ugly bent the soul takes when you walk that path. He's accountable to God now. I don't hold it against him.

Is this forgiveness? Whatever it is... I feel like it's a step forward.

It's concluded for now, anyway. I'm going to uphold and maintain my boundaries, for sure. I'm just still not sure of what to think about B and where he's coming from. I want a friendship with him, but... not at the cost of my soul. (I'm not being dramatic, either. To refuse to stand up for myself on this matter would be a regression to fear-based silence, and the longer I do it, the harder it is to remember how to healthfully deal with conflict. And, as I think about it, it's funny how silence is really the wisest thing in some cases, but in others... you really have to say something. Same principle, different applications...)

The last few emails read this way:

C,  please totally disreguard my last letter, the one just befor this one.

I feel like I just need to tell you that I am very, very sorry for causing you the pain and anguish that you described.

You are fully justified in your accusations against me. I have no excuse  to offer. And I'm really feelling lousy about it.

B,

Thank you for your apology. I really appreciate it. I forgive you.

C

C,

Thankyou.

I spent Sabbath evening up in the mountains, stayed the night, then took a very long hike this morning. My heart was extremely, heavy over our recent correspondence; however the morning was extremely beautiful, the sun was shining, the air was warm, the signs of spring were every where. After two hours into my hike I came to a beautiful Cedar grove with beams of sunlight shining through, it was the perfect time and environment to talk to God. After sharing my burdens and shedding a few tears, I asked the Lord for some evidence that it will be okay. As I got up from my knees my burden was gone. I don't think I had ever experienced that in such a tangible way.
I had only been back at the shop for less than an hour, after putting my things away and making some toast, I sat down at the desk and read your e-mail. Thank you for being the answer to my prayer; thank you for bringing a beautiful day to a beautiful ending. Thank-you for you.

B

Well... at least he's not saying "I love you" anymore. That's progress.

But I still sense undertones of... whatever's been going on lately. "Thank you for you." 

Sigh. We'll get over this one way or another, I'm sure.