The Most Awkward Saga Ever... Ended.

Had a conversation with B the other day. We both knew what it was going to be about when I said, "Hey, I need to talk to you. Not now, but I need to set up a time to talk to you."

I showed up at the shop at the appointed time, only to find that he had stepped out. So, I spent some time hanging out with K, talking about the impending awkwardness that I had brought upon myself. She offered to be there for the talk, and it was sweet of her, but I thought that it would probably be even more awkward with her there.

I needed to understand what happened before I went away for the summer. I needed to know if I had been picking up genuine "I'm interested" vibes, or if I was crazy. Without a clear understanding of what transpired, I wasn't sure if I was reading a situation that was actually there, or if I was sexualizing a completely innocent relationship.

Well, B came back to the shop, and we (awkwardly) ignored the proverbial elephant in the room for a little while, but he finally asked if I'd like to take a walk. When we did start walking, I had no idea what to talk about! How do I start this conversation? How in the world do I segue into the topic that's on my mind?

"So... how was your day?"

Hah. Lame.

But it worked. It loosened our tongues to the point that, when B asked what was on my mind (i.e. the reason for "the talk"), I was able to explain myself with a minimum of stammering. I told him that I had, in fact, forgiven him, and that I had done much examining of my motives. I wanted to be certain of my reasons for this talk, and I could say with confidence that it was not out of any desire to hurt him or throw anything in his face. I simply desired clarity and resolution.

B responded with an honesty that I had not anticipated. He shared the whole story with me candidly, and I was gratified to find that I am not, in fact, crazy. He was romantically interested, I was reading the signals aright, and my discomfort was justified.

However, he realizes and recognizes that there is, as he puts it, "a wall between us that is thirty years thick". He says that he felt there was chemistry between us from the first time we met, and if I were older, we could have a good thing going on. I'm not older, though, and nothing beyond friendship is ever going to transpire between us. He's come to grips with that. (Even if I were older, I'm not sure B is someone that I would want to necessarily consider romantically. We get along well, and we work well together, but... yeah.) Oh, yes, and he accepted complete responsibility for the situation. He would not let me take any of the blame, even when I tried to apologize for my lack of wisdom in being so vulnerable with him and confiding in him so much (single guy, single girl, building emotional closeness-- hello, red flag!!).

So, it was good. The awkwardness has evaporated, and I feel free to accept his gestures of friendship as just that- gestures of friendship. I'm not constantly evaluating each action with suspicion. It feels good to be able to just be friends again.

I know that I need to be wise in this, though. I won't be vulnerable with him as I was once, and I will avoid being alone with him. We're friends, but not close friends.

I'm just so glad that this was dealt with. Whew!

And so closes the most awkward saga ever.