So I totally hyped myself up for nothing.

The evening with SOULS went well; so well, in fact, that I'm doing it again next Friday. It was good to see A. I didn't realize how much I missed her until we were hanging out again.

One of her girls was like, "You guys seem like sisters!"

We exchanged glances/grimaces and said, "We pretty much are..."

When A introduced me to the group, she included a brief synopsis of our history, which went something like this:

"This is my friend C. We graduated SOULS together... and academy... and canvassed together... and did an underwater basket weaving class together..."

I, of course, kept a straight face and rolled with it. The best part is that they totally believed her! :D When one of the students came up and asked about underwater basket weaving, we bounced back and forth on how underwater basket weaving is superior to dry basket weaving, because the weightlessness makes it easier for you to shape the overall product, and the strands are easier to keep in place, and... It was really funny, actually. We eventually told them the truth.

So, nothing negative went down. Was I almost hoping that it would? Maybe.

I realized, while listening to experiences and testimonies, that I was judging them much the way that I had anticipated that they would judge me. What a hypocrite, eh? So I knocked it off.

I was a little overwhelmed when they first showed up, because the girls flooded the kitchen, one after another, introducing themselves and trying to hug me and wishing me happy Sabbath and offering to help. They reminded me of a bunch of little A's (my BW partner). I was like, "Oh, yeah... I forgot how 'social' SOULS kids are..." But it was okay. They were all nice.

I am, however, glad that I'm no longer part of that culture. It was tiring, in many ways. I like my life, and I'm happy with where I'm at. But it was good to see where I've come from, you know?

After the evening was over, I headed back to the church and gave A a nice, 45-minute massage. She gave me really good feedback, and said that she can definitely see improvement from the last time I've massaged her. (20x better!)

Unfortunately, I was already having a tough time yesterday, physically... but I was so focused on the massage that I didn't think about anything else. I definitely overdid it, especially by kneeling and crouching for those 45 minutes on a hard floor and the repetitive motion that a massage naturally entails. I am feeling it today, and in a lot of pain.

I would venture to say, though, that it was probably worth it. I mean, this fibro stuff tends to be cyclical, I'm noticing... and I was already headed downward. And A really needed that massage. I won't be doing it next week, though.

I was thinking about my trip back home... and how that can potentially be a nightmare. I have a feeling that I'm going to need to seriously dope myself up. Hours of sitting, combined with carrying my stuff through long stretches of airport-- something I haven't thought twice about in years past. Now it's just another obstacle to consider and overcome... like food.

C and I are both learning bits and pieces about this new facet of my life. I share what I learn with him, and vice versa.

For the wedding, I plan to set up an air mattress with blankets and pillows in the bed of his truck so I have somewhere to lie down and rest should I need to. I'm also going to wear my fancy shoes for the ceremony, but I'll be changing into my combat boots for the reception. No sense in bringing unnecessary pain upon myself.

We'll figure it out, one way or another.

Time to go study. My first final is a day and a half!

It took me a long time to get to the point where I see $0.00 on both my checking and savings accounts, and to know that I have nothing but pennies in my wallet... and be okay with it.

I know it'll work out. It always does.

Especially when I remember that I also have a nickel!! :D

Or maybe it's just that I don't care right now. Come to think of it... that's probably it.

Really, though, I'm not worried. Why? Shouldn't I be? Well... no.

I have a job. I will get paid eventually. As a matter of fact, I have a small sum coming to me this week for an odd job that I did. And the writing gig? I don't have to apply that to the wedding fund. Yes, I want to, but I can use that money to live if I need to.

Secondly, I have food in the house. I bought groceries with the last check I got, so I'm not starving. C won't let me starve, even if I can hardly bring myself to ask him to buy me groceries.

I have a roof over my head. That's not going anywhere. It's not like I am struggling to pay rent or anything.

I've got gas in my tank. Yes, with my last paycheck I also filled up my gas tank. I still have half a tank, so I can last another 3/4 of a week, at least. (Depending on how much I drive.) That'll get me through until I get paid for that odd job, and I can put that money into the good ol' gas tank.

My counseling is free. Sure, I have to drive out there, but whatevs.

I'm seeing a doctor, and my parents are taking care of the bill. What a relief! And thank God for insurance. (Speaking of, I got my official endocrinologist referral today!)

I'm applying for food stamps this week. I finally collected all the info that I need, and I'll take my textbooks with me and study while I wait. Two birds, one stone.

See? It'll be alright. And someday, when I'm able to work regularly (when I've got my massage business up and going?), I'll look back on these days of scraping by and be grateful... so much more grateful than I ever would have been if I had only known plenty.

My goals for today? Take a shower, eat a good meal sometime during the day, and... what was the other one? Oh, yeah. Dishes. Haven't done those in a couple of days. (Unusual for me. Usually I don't let dishes pile up in the sink.)

If I can, if I have the energy and the gumption, I will do BJ's dishes and sweep her floor (and take out her trash) while I'm over there feeding the dogs. Here at home, I'll vacuum, finish reading my chapter on the Integumentary, Cardiovascular, Lymphatic, and Immune Systems, and write the copy for that website. Oh, and make a lunch for tomorrow.

On the bright side, I already finished a quart of water today. One more, and I'm good to go.

I refuse to get down on myself for being depressed!

I told C last night, "Hug me, I'm depressed!"

"Depressed? Why are you depressed?"

"I'm not sure. I just am."

"Well, okay. That's okay."

"Yeah, I know. I'm okay, it'll be okay... yeah."

"Yep." *kiss*

He and I are on the same page about it. Just like, okay, there it is. *shrug* It'll pass. It always does. It's okay that it's here. Not the end of the world. Just... okay.

Has the word "okay" lost all meaning to you yet? It pretty much has to me now. I wrote it too much.