Disaster averted, but not meltdown averted.

I'd admit it-- I cried. No, rather, I sobbed.

I keened my grief and anguish and disappointment in myself and my fears flowed in hot, fast rivulets.

I'm literally broke.

No, take that back. I have two dollars and some change. Wallet, checking account, savings-- everything. That's what it adds up to.

And the funny thing is... it's not like I'm not working. I'm just not getting paid for my work yet... but it's something I believe in fiercely. How can I give that up?

And so I feel like a failure because I just can't seem to make life work. And this means loss of control. I can't trust God, I can't trust myself... what do I do?

What do you do?

I, for one, called my daddy.

I ran over my finances with him, the projected and expected medical bills, and my plans for school finances, and he talked things through with me...

He is not bothered with helping me out when I need it, because I'm trying. I'm not shamelessly mooching, looking for handouts without putting forth effort. I'm trying, and even though it's taking a while, eventually I'll get to the place where I don't need help anymore.

And he understands and appreciates the fact that I want to do it on my own, but encouraged me not to give up just because I need some help now and then.

Still feel down...

...but I recognize that I can't do anything today because it's the 4th of July, and everyone's off. So I must simply be patient and enjoy the holiday.

I'm going to watch the fireworks with a girlfriend tonight, and I'm glad of it.

Overwhelmed. Seems like, though I try, I fail. I fail.

I'm crying... scared... not sure exactly how to proceed, or if, indeed, I even want to.

I don't want pity or handouts... but I can't seem to survive without them.

I’m just the boy inside the man, not exactly who you think I am
Trying to trace my steps back here again, so many times
I’m just a speck inside your head, you came and made me who I am
I remember where it all began, so clearly

I feel a million miles away, still you connect me in your way
And you create in me something I would’ve never seen
When I can only see the floor, you made my window a door
So when they say they don’t believe, I hope that they see you in me
After all the lights go down, I’m just the words you are the sound
A strange type of chemistry, how you’ve become a part of me
And when I sit alone at night, your thoughts burn through me like a fire
You’re the only one who knows, who I really am

We all wanna be somebody, we just need a taste of who we are
We all wanna be somebody, we’re willing to go but not that far

And we’re all see through, just like glass
And we can shatter just as fast
That light’s been burned out for a while, I still see it every time I pass
It was lost in the coldness of my mind, behind a box of reasons why
I never doubted it was there, just took a little time to find
And even when...

I feel a million miles away, still you connect me in your way
And you create in me something I would’ve never seen
When I can only see the floor, you made my window a door
So when they say they don’t believe I hope that they see you in me
After all the lights go down, I’m just the words you are the sound
A strange type of chemistry, how you’ve become a part of me
And when I sit alone at night, your thoughts burn through me like a fire
You’re the only one who knows, who I really am

We all wanna be somebody, we just need a taste of who we are
We all wanna be somebody, we’re willing to go but not that far
We all wanna be somebody, we just need a taste of who we are
We all wanna be somebody, we’re willing to go but not that far

I’m just the boy inside the man, not exactly who you think I am
Trying to trace my steps back here again, so many times
When I can only see the floor, you made my window a door
So when they say they don’t believe, I hope that they see you in me

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak.

Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."

{Winston Churchill}

Take a photograph,
It'll be the last,
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here,

I don't have a past
I just have a chance,
Not a family or honest plea remains to say,

Rain, rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Is it you I want or just the notion
Of a heart to wrap around so I can find my way around?

Safe to say from here,
You're getting closer now,
We are never sad 'cause we are not allowed to be

Rain, rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain, rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

To lie here under you,
Is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,
To lie here under you is all that i could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,

Rain, rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain, rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Well, I totally mis-read that one.

Hmm.

I was right, though. He did give me a ring :)

And, technically, it is an engagement ring... It's the ring he gave me the first time around. I kept it (since he wouldn't take it back), and it fell off of my keychain a year and a half ago, landing in the snow and sort of surviving being run over by an Expedition. I wish I'd thought to take a picture of it while it was warped.

So, C got it fixed for me, and gave it back. :) 

Since the picture is kinda lame (no camera, remember? I have to rely on my not-so-great cell phone camera), it's a solitaire tanzanite (since I don't like diamonds) with a Celtic trinity knot on either side, surrounded by a roped edge.

The way he gave it to me was sweet/funny. He picked it up sometime yesterday, and left the little white box sitting on his desk. I didn't notice it until I got back from group last night, and then it took all my will-power not to peek (although I desperately wanted to!). As a matter of fact, I was going to peek when I went into the room to change my shirt, but both C and B were there, so I took it as a sign and gave up the idea of peeking.

Five hours later, I finally asked C, "What's that white box?" He laughed, because he had figured that hiding it out in the open was the best way to keep it from me. (Back story: when he proposed the first time, he left the bag with the ring in it sitting on top of his dresser, and I totally didn't see it. At all. I  knew he'd gotten an engagement ring and hidden it, so I was actually poking around for it, but couldn't find it. So he took the same tack this time, thinking that I probably wouldn't see it. And, to his credit... it did take me several hours to notice it.)

So he tossed me the box and said, "You can look if you want to." Uh, yeah! Of COURSE I want to! But I didn't want to ruin any surprise, so I demurred for a moment or two, then finally lifted off the box's top to find... an old ring of mine that doesn't fit anymore that had been sitting in his dream box.

He laughed as I spluttered, saying, "I did take some precautions, you know!" Immediately, I reached for the dream box and revealed my shining prize.

Later, I confided to C that I had "totally been expecting you to propose!". He said that he could use this ring, but that he didn't want to propose here (his apartment), like this. It needed to be... something better, he said. (I agree wholeheartedly.)

So I misjudged that one. I know it's still coming, but now I'm deliciously in suspense.

Good. I love surprises. :)

I was very anxious about group tonight...

Well, maybe not very anxious... but anxious, nonetheless.

I mean... I'm not trained in this, y'all. I don't really know what I'm doing. And J, my new helper, actually kinda does this stuff for a living. So hello intimidation, however unwarranted.

C encouraged me before I left, and I know he was right... especially since the night proved him right.

Was talking to E earlier today, discussing projected work specs and schedules. I'm excited, yet mostly apprehensive, just from the sheer level of responsibility that I'm being imbued with. My fear of failure is so extreme that I'd rather just not have any influence or responsibility to speak of... that way I cannot let anyone down. Ever. Also, I'm afraid of overloading myself yet again.

I feel like I can't handle as much as the average person, that I melt down or burn out more quickly, become overloaded more easily... and while that is distressing and disheartening, I know how awful I feel when I'm overwhelmed, and I don't want to go there.

Yet... I realized after group tonight... as apprehensive or anxious or distressed I may feel the rest of the week, while group is in session and while I'm ferrying girls around, listening to the deep torments of their lives... I feel like I was born for this. I was made for this. It fits. It's right. And I enjoy it. The fear is just a spice that keeps me humble and cautious.

And I'm happy, so happy, that I'm staying. These relationships are so precious... the trust these girls have given me so willingly is astonishing, for these are girls who have had their basic trust of humanity trashed, trampled, and completely twisted. I would hate to be just another person that they shouldn't have trusted, just another person that hurt them by abandoning them after getting to know them.

I really need money, but... I really love my job. Even if I'm not getting paid for it.

(Can I still call it a job if I'm not getting paid? lol)

I'd much rather face the panic that comes with being below the poverty level than leaving this job for another one with an actual paycheck. Besides... the grants are coming in, and the paychecks will be coming in a few months from now. I can hold on that long. (I hope?)

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for (oh oh oh)
What do I stand for? Oh what do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa oh oh
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa oh oh

This is it, boys, this is war, what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype, 
Save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked, 
But here they come again to jack my style

That's alright, I found a martyr in my bed tonight
She stops my bones from wondering just who I, who I, who I am, oh who am I, mm mm

Well, some nights, I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights, I always win, I always win

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? Oh what do I stand for? Most nights, I don't know (come on)

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?
No. When I see stars, when I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like this one, so come on
Oh, come on, oh, come on, oh come on!

Well that is it, guys, that is all, five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
This is not one for the folks at home, I'm sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who the ---- wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?
My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she called "love"
But when I look into my nephew's eyes,
Man you wouldn't believe, the most amazing things, that can come from,
Some terrible lies, ah (oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh)

Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh

The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I'd call you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance, oh
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance, oh


When I first heard this on the radio, I thought he was saying, "I still wake up, I still see your gospel, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for..." Needless to say, I thought it was incredibly appropriate. Still speaks to me though, even while I know the real lyrics.

Went to a graduation party today. One of my friends from church school and academy got his degree in biophysics. What a smarty pants! But apparently biophysics is a little less "mathy" than what you would typically think of with physics. It honestly sounds pretty neat. He wants to specialize in something like "health biophysics" or whatever it's called-- basically protecting people from radiation. Sounds like a worthy ambition. Can't say I've ever aspired to it myself, but... it takes all kinds, right?

The thing was... the other attendees were almost exclusively people from church, so I got the inevitable, "Oh, I haven't seen you in a while! Where have you been?"

Ah, well, you see, I was in Idaho...


"Oh, that's neat. So how is school coming along? Where are you going to school again? When are you leaving?"

Well, actually... I'm staying here. Going to the community college.


"Really? That's wonderful! I'm so glad! We look forward to having you around!"

And that's where I got super non-committal. And stayed that way.

Because I don't really want to tell them that I don't know if I'll ever come back...

It's not that I don't want to, in a way. It's just that... I wish that I could come back as a stranger, as one whom they didn't automatically look to for involvement and whatnot. I wish I had a clean slate... but I've had so much invested there over the years that this is impossible. They watched me grow up. I did my Bible work practicum there. I've preached sermons there, given talks, sung them songs... there's no way to erase all that. It is what it is.

I went to that Sunday night service at the church that's been so nice to me, but it still didn't click for me. The first time, I was nervous about being in a different denomination's church, and I was apprehensive about being at church, period. This time, I realize that I just don't dig the way they worship. I mean, wonderful people. They're amazing, and so loving and sincere. But it's not for me... so I'll check out the other two churches I found with weekend evening services.

Despite all this floundering around, I still can't bring myself to go to church on Sunday mornings, or to treat Sunday as any way holy. I have a hard enough time with Sabbath... and knowing that Sunday is a bogus holy day (thanks, Catholic church) just kind of throws a wrench in it for me. Like, if I'm going to go to anything right now without going to actual church on Sabbath... let it be something other than "Sunday church", you know?

But I've also thought that the day I am able to seek out fellowship is kind of irrelevant to the day that I honor as holy. I mean, prayer meeting doesn't make Wednesdays holy, right? I dunno. I still feel uncomfortable with the image "Sunday churching" presents. I don't want to be a total rebel, after all.

So anyway, I left halfway through the service tonight, because I just realized how pointless it was for me to be there. Also, wasn't feeling too hot.

This potato thing is really getting me. Most GF stuff has potato starch/flour in it, do you realize that? So does Egg Replacer. Srsly? How much harder can eating get?! But I choose to view this as a challenge... (And perhaps this is why I've been getting sick all along, even when I'm "doing everything right"?) I always thought that I got queasy after potato chips because of the grease, but maybe not. And there was that time with the potato tacos in LA that I got suuuuper sick, and didn't know why... I mean, it's not like an instantaneous death sentence, but it's pretty consistent (at least now that I'm noticing). Sometimes I can get away with it, sometimes I can't. Seems like most times I can't, lately.

Yesterday, I was I was curled up on the bed in pain (potato starch in the egg replacer and the GF flour blend I used-- realized too late), C really expressed concern, and wants me to get to a doctor to get this straightened out.

Um, yes. Back to the church friends thing.

I'm just really wondering whether this pressure that I feel is actually real, or just imagined on my part? Like, can we all really still be friends if I choose to believe a different way than they do? Or will I be pressured? Shunned? Guilt tripped? I alternately cherish and dread the idea of setting firm boundaries and sticking to them in the area of religious beliefs and my rights to whatever beliefs I choose. Perhaps I just spent too long looking down on others who believe differently, cracking jokes about them... or too long in the quiet war for approval and acceptance, whatever the cost?

It's just hard for me to be okay with knowing that I've disappointed people, deliberately gone against their wishes... but if our friendship cannot withstand the divergence of mindsets or ideals, then it wasn't really a relationship I want around anyway, is it? I look at the C's, the S's, at K and J and H as prime examples of how friendship and relationship ought to be, even as one or both parties is in flux.

And you know what?

It's okay if others disagree with my choices. I mean, really, it is. I am not living my life for them, though they make up a portion of my life, if that makes sense. Even if everyone thinks I'm doing the wrong thing, but I believe that I am making a good, right choice... then that's what matters, isn't it? After all, I'm the one that has to live with this decision.

I see how God has somehow talked me out of decisions that I would have indeed regretted to one degree or another down the road. I also see more clearly how I am supposed to make well-informed decisions for myself, rather than waiting around for God to dictate every move of my life to me. Not gonna happen.

Now... if I could just strike a balance...

Oh, and FD was at the party, too. I was surprised to find that I no longer actively hate him. It's just like... whatever, dude. I don't even care anymore. You're not my responsibility, and I'm not going to worry about you. I mean, yeah, what he did was definitely wrong, and it still ticks me off and gets my ire up when I think about it, but it's done. It's over. It doesn't matter anymore. Just... whatever. I don't trust him any farther than I can throw him, but I can be pleasant to him without actively faking it... most of the time. If you're the one that did that, God, then I surely appreciate it.


Tomorrow, we go running errands at the mall, and C has a certain little package to pick up. He mentioned he had to pick something up, and I (brazenly) asked what it was (though I knew perfectly well), but he just said, "Oh, I just have to pick something up." So I left it alone. Now as to when he passes on that little package to a certain blog author... that I have no clue about. I don't know when or how he intends to do it. I just know that he can and will at some point. And the suspense just leaves me in a shiver of excitement. I love surprises.

I also love sleep. (Though it seems I've been needing less lately than I have been the past few months... but it could just be a fluke. It's only been a week. But I'm thinking that the Cell Food Mom sent me is really something... not to mention that my acne is starting to dry up! Could be a.) the decreased dosage of DHEA, b.) the Proactive body wash J gave me, c.) the Cell Food, or d.) All of the above. Whatever it is, I'm stoked. If this keeps up, I won't have to go back on antibiotics!! ^_^)