Born for this?

I was very anxious about group tonight...

Well, maybe not very anxious... but anxious, nonetheless.

I mean... I'm not trained in this, y'all. I don't really know what I'm doing. And J, my new helper, actually kinda does this stuff for a living. So hello intimidation, however unwarranted.

C encouraged me before I left, and I know he was right... especially since the night proved him right.

Was talking to E earlier today, discussing projected work specs and schedules. I'm excited, yet mostly apprehensive, just from the sheer level of responsibility that I'm being imbued with. My fear of failure is so extreme that I'd rather just not have any influence or responsibility to speak of... that way I cannot let anyone down. Ever. Also, I'm afraid of overloading myself yet again.

I feel like I can't handle as much as the average person, that I melt down or burn out more quickly, become overloaded more easily... and while that is distressing and disheartening, I know how awful I feel when I'm overwhelmed, and I don't want to go there.

Yet... I realized after group tonight... as apprehensive or anxious or distressed I may feel the rest of the week, while group is in session and while I'm ferrying girls around, listening to the deep torments of their lives... I feel like I was born for this. I was made for this. It fits. It's right. And I enjoy it. The fear is just a spice that keeps me humble and cautious.

And I'm happy, so happy, that I'm staying. These relationships are so precious... the trust these girls have given me so willingly is astonishing, for these are girls who have had their basic trust of humanity trashed, trampled, and completely twisted. I would hate to be just another person that they shouldn't have trusted, just another person that hurt them by abandoning them after getting to know them.

I really need money, but... I really love my job. Even if I'm not getting paid for it.

(Can I still call it a job if I'm not getting paid? lol)

I'd much rather face the panic that comes with being below the poverty level than leaving this job for another one with an actual paycheck. Besides... the grants are coming in, and the paychecks will be coming in a few months from now. I can hold on that long. (I hope?)

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