Want to express.

Don't care enough.

Overwhelmed...

Stressful day.

Tomorrow looms equally stressful.

I want to cry.

I'm homesick.

I want my Mom.

She's horribly depressed, and I don't want to burden her.

I seriously just want to cry right now... and I'm so bad at hiding my emotions, or C is so good at reading me, that if he looks over at me right now he'll know.

I want a mother, a friend, a confidante and a hug...

I'm lonely.

The knowing yet "knowing I won't be believed" is a soul-sucker.

I hate my stupid body. I hate how it betrays me, constantly. I hate how weak it is. I hate my stupid body.

I miss H and the S's and J and J and...

I know tomorrow will be a new day. But tonight I feel hopeless.

Young man on the side of the road
Lost and beat up with no where to go
Smells like a hangover from days ago
He does what he can to survive

Single mom with a dead end job
Ninety hour week just to keep what she's got
But the bills add up and now she's caught
She does what she can to survive

Well, let me say
That love won't take away the pain
But don't be afraid
'Cause it will never walk away

If you're scared that you don't matter
If you're lost and need to be found
If you're looking for a Savior
All you gotta do is turn around

Some turn to a bottle
Some turn to a drug
Some turn to another's arms
But it seems like it's never enough

Well I won't say
That you will never fail again
But there is grace
To wash away your every sin

If you're scared that you don't matter
If you're lost and need to be found
If you're looking for a Savior
All you gotta do is turn around

No one listens to you anymore
And your heart has broken down 

You don't need to move, love has come to you 

All you gotta do is turn around
All you gotta do is turn around, turn around

You don't have to
Take the broken road
You can turn around
And come back home

You don't have to
Take the broken road
You can turn around
And come back home

You don't have to
Take the broken road
You can turn around
And come back home

If you're scared that you don't matter
If you're lost and need to be found
If you're looking for a Savior
All you gotta do is turn around

No one listens to you anymore
And your heart has broken down 

You don't need to move, love has come to you 

All you gotta do is turn around
All you gotta do is turn around

I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with fundamentalist religion.

I mean, it's not like they're doing anything, but...

I don't know.

It's just like, Really? Your way is the only way? Ever? Really. Because it seems to me that things were done a lot differently than your way for eons. Your way is a product of a certain time period, a certain school of thought present in a certain era... Yet that now automatically becomes the only right way to do things ever in the history of mankind and anyone who deviates from it is hellbound.

I guess I'm just frustrated with the rigidity and the insufferable arrogance that precipitates the statement that "we alone have the truth". 

No, it's not about "being allowed" to do things or not do certain things. It's not about, "I never got to go to the movies as a child." It's not about, "I can't eat this or I can't drink that."

It's about being right. It's about black and white, truth and deception, and the idea that if you don't subscribe to a certain set of beliefs then you're deluded and will face eternal doom. It's about no room for relationship, for pilgrimage, for honest-to-god seeking and trying and working out your problems. It's about I'm too tired to try anymore. It's about too many people being torn down, stomped on, and damaged by the straitlaced certainty that Jesus is coming and you damn well better be ready.

It's about this.

Fb status update on my timeline--
"Different personalities praise God most genuinely in different ways. Different generations praise God most genuinely in different ways. So no one style of worship should be imposed on everyone as morally correct. That makes church services stifling. Worship turns into ritual. Everything begins to seem memorized. The most joyful worship happens when people find a language that speaks to their innermost emotions, that gives voice to their inner self before God. That language could be a certain style of music, it could be a certain kind of congregational sharing, it could be a certain experience that a speaker shares. What will help people find their worship language is to allow room in the church for a variety of creative expression."

{Steven Mosley}

Response from certainly well-meaning fundamentalist friend--

Hate to be an old stick in the mud, But there is only one way to worship God.

It's about how I wish we could all be free to be who we really are without that message hitting us in the psychological groin... You know, the Christian worldview. God made you in his image, so you were supposed to be good, except that we're all screwed up because of sin so you really aren't good, but you can be good with God in your life, except that you'll never actually be a good person, it's just God puppeting. Good puppeteer, bad puppet. Sorry kid, that's the breaks.

The sign on the church down the street blares this message at me every time I drive by: "God loves you not because you're awesome, but because he is."

Well, thank you for that.

No, seriously. You just taught me how not to parent. Think about it-- would you not be outraged if you heard a parent tell a child in all earnestness, "You're rotten, but I love you. See how wonderful I am?"

Uh, no. 

If we don't buy this on the human scale, why do we buy it on the cosmic scale?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not preaching the gospel of entitlement, here... I'm just advocating for intrinsic worth... something I feel that I have yet to find inside the doors of a church.

Maybe I'll end up a new ager. Maybe I'll end up a secular humanist. Maybe I'll realize that all this stuff I thought Christianity was saying was actually a misunderstanding on my part.

Whatever happens, I know I'm not going to be joining a church if I still hear this message from the people and the pulpit.

(By the way, ever read the book Sybil? It's horrifying and captivating-- an insight into a deeply wounded mind that did what it had to in order to survive. Guess what? Sybil's parents were SDA. That's right, she was raised among our ranks. Now, I'm not saying that's got anything to do with her torture, because her mom was legitimately insane and psychotic and a horrible, horrible person, SDA or not. However, seeing the religious compunctions and restrictions that come up during her recovery are... interesting. Obviously, having been raised in the 30's, the mindset was different. Decidedly more Victorian. However, considering it to be sinful to be unhappy? Yeah, I've heard that in recent years. Therapy is of the devil? Yup, heard that too. You just need to pray through your problems? I've definitely heard that one. Anyway, just an interesting side note. I resonate more with Sybil than I'd care to, on many levels, including the SDA background.)

Coming back out of it...

C told me some very good, important things the night I was freaking out... I didn't end up falling asleep until 9:30 a.m., but last night I was good and fell asleep by 12:30. I then proceeded to sleep for 12 1/2 hours.

School starts on Monday. I'm excited, apprehensive, and not as affected as I thought I might be.

Went to Jesus Jam last night and saw Remedy Drive. It was cool. My first concert. Not like I thought it would be... too many people. I was really tense by the time I left.

Still struggling with motivation. I didn't realize how much I do until I'm not doing any of it... which C is always trying to tell me. Heh.

Off to a baby shower and church!

Okay, you wanna know what's really getting me?

I feel like G is breathing down my neck.

I wanna throw up, because he's there, in my mind, inside me, and I can't get rid of him.

No, he doesn't have the power to ruin my life, but the bastard sure knows how to do a good haunting.

I don't even know how to describe, explain, or remedy this.

Why is he in my head? Why do I feel so gross? Why am I so on guard?

Why am I so agitated? There's nothing to be afraid of, there's nothing to be worried about...

I'm safe here. I know that.

But I still feel like my stomach is turning itself inside out... like a sewer has upended itself in my mind...

It's probably all the various abuse-related things I've been working on and associating with this past week.

I don't want to do abuse related things anymore. I'm getting tired of being triggered when I work with the girls or when I'm helping E.

It's getting real old, real fast.

On the bright side, Jesus Jam is tonight. Looking forward to my first concert.

I feel funny inside. I feel gross. I feel like I've been molested again. I feel... gross.

So long ago, I don't remember when
That's when they say I lost my only friend
Well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease
As I listened through the cemetery trees

I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn
The long broken arm of human law
Now it always seemed such a waste
She always had a pretty face
So I wondered how she hung around this place

[сhorus:]
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than 
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight

She said it's cold
It feels like Independence Day
And I can't break away from this parade
But there's got to be an opening
Somewhere here in front of me
Through this maze of ugliness and greed
And I seen the sun up ahead
At the county line bridge
Sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead
We'll run until she's out of breath
She ran until there's nothin' left
She hit the end-it's just her window ledge

[chorus]

Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think her death it must be killin' me

[chorus]

I'm restless... guarded...

My body and eyes are tired, but my will won't let me sleep. I'm on guard-- vigilant. Restless. Punishing myself?

I've been so to-the-core exhausted lately, you'd think I'd take all the sleep I can get, but last night was a very difficult night for me. I slept for two hours, woke up and couldn't sleep for another two hours. Then I was tossing and turning the rest of the night-- every time I rolled over or changed position, I'd wake up again.

Maybe I just don't feel safe right now.

And I feel under pressure.

Group.

School.

Unemployed (sorta).

People.

I'm overwhelmed.

I was overwhelmed Wednesday for sure. Yesterday, I guess it would be...

I almost cried several times just in the Walmart with C.

Oh, yeah, and my car's battery died. I had to get a new one. More debt on the credit card... it's not much, but still... it's more than I can pay.

Medical bills.

This medical mystery I'm going through. (How many of those can you have in one young adulthood anyway?!) I'm grateful for medical care, but I know it means more bills later.

Am I crazy? I must be crazy... but my credibility is on the line, here. Why can't I believe myself? Furthermore, why can't I be proven right?!? Crimeny...

Wanting counseling, but knowing I can't afford it. I can't even afford to buy a new pack of underwear at this point.

You try living off of $160 a month and see how it goes. Gas, food--everything.

If it weren't for the kindness of loved ones and friends, I'd surely be buried by now... or a hooker. Or both.

C is both trying to comfort and fix me... I think it frustrates him a little when I break down like this, because it's not entirely logical... and he keeps telling me to be logical and not to worry about things I can't do anything about. I grumped back at him that I'm not consciously worrying about it, but he says that I must be because I'm thinking about it. Well I'm only thinking about it because you told me to! You told me to figure out what's stressing me out! Okay, I'm sorry, I'm being a little defensive right now...

I feel like I want to throw up... physically and emotionally. I'm just feeling sick. That's all.

This will pass... maybe after the word vomit?