It stares us all in the face.
Please, don't go.
But please... I cannot ask you to remain trapped in this prison cell your body has become.
Go to rest.
One I know I'll see again.
The other... I'm not so sure.
Oh, Lord... how long???
I had mentioned briefly that, in doing my moral inventory, I found it very, very difficult to write down the good things about myself, and good things that I have done. The bad things? Those were hard, because I hate looking at and admitting to those things, but the good things are even HARDER! Who would have thought? I guess I'm just used to thinking of myself in sort of a twighlighty sort of way-- not too bad, but not that great. Like the dusk of the day, it is neither dark nor light. Anyway, while I was at church yesterday, the family decided to compile their own list of my good qualities, to make it a little easier for me :)
1. Good at befriending people
2. Sees the positive in people (not judgmental)
3. Creative in music, crafts, photography
4. Artistic eye for photography
5. Talented in music
6. Witty
7. Loves animals/tenderhearted
8. Motivated
9. Determined
10. Adaptable/flexible
11. Balanced
12. Shows progress/determination in healing
13. Deep thinker
14. Intelligent
15. Good massager :)
16. Loves young people/desires to help them
17. Perceptive to the needs of others
18. Encouraging to others
19. Gifted speaker
20. Good communicator
21. Modest and tasteful in apparel and appearance
22. Creative in cooking
23. Energetic
While I do take issue with some of these (I have a very hard time thinking of myself as "balanced", for instance, because I see myself as so off kilter alot of times... though the family explained that they meant it as the balance I show in not being fanatical on either side of the spectrum), I agree that they fit me. I would LOVE to be the person described here! She sounds like such a great person to know. I would be her friend, for sure. She sounds... fun, yet compassionate, strong, yet not overbearing. How I would love to be that person.
1. Good at befriending people
2. Sees the positive in people (not judgmental)
3. Creative in music, crafts, photography
4. Artistic eye for photography
5. Talented in music
6. Witty
7. Loves animals/tenderhearted
8. Motivated
9. Determined
10. Adaptable/flexible
11. Balanced
12. Shows progress/determination in healing
13. Deep thinker
14. Intelligent
15. Good massager :)
16. Loves young people/desires to help them
17. Perceptive to the needs of others
18. Encouraging to others
19. Gifted speaker
20. Good communicator
21. Modest and tasteful in apparel and appearance
22. Creative in cooking
23. Energetic
While I do take issue with some of these (I have a very hard time thinking of myself as "balanced", for instance, because I see myself as so off kilter alot of times... though the family explained that they meant it as the balance I show in not being fanatical on either side of the spectrum), I agree that they fit me. I would LOVE to be the person described here! She sounds like such a great person to know. I would be her friend, for sure. She sounds... fun, yet compassionate, strong, yet not overbearing. How I would love to be that person.
I was so disappointed... and so not looking forward to resigning myself to a life of aloofness and isolation until I could escape... and still torn between trying and just giving up (orchestrated retreat hehe)... and THEN...
Another conversation, this time profitable. Both parties had their barriers down. It was all that I'd been hoping for-- a restoration of relationship. No judging. No justifying. Just honesty and acceptance.
I never meant to make them feel like failures. Are you kidding? The last thing I would want to do is hurt someone intentionally! I could if I wanted to--there are plenty of cutting, poisonous remarks that surface in my head, and right now there's enough anger to go around. But I don't, because I don't want to hurt anyone. That's a part of myself that I keep under control. Lord forbid that I cause anyone to go through anything remotely reminiscent of what I went through!!
Anyway, that's not my style. If I want to hurt you, I'll withdraw. Punishment for both of us! Hah.
It meant so much to have them come back, to try to make things right. That was more than I had expected, since I had resigned myself to the experience of the night before. It was like I was trying to reach out, and they were responding, but somehow it wasn't... right. There was still a chasm between us, and I had no idea how to bridge it. So, since my effort resulted in frustrated confusion on my end, I had decided not to try again. Why bother, if I'm just going to get hurt again? And, yes, there was anger there...as evidenced by my previous posts.
And I don't know how to explain what happened. It's like the light came on, I guess. Most precious of all to me was the assurance, "We love you."
We love you.
God, I don't know what you did, but I'm so grateful. That is what I needed. Just to know that I am loved, that it's okay, and that they are there for me... that's what I wanted so badly. It doesn't matter how busy they are, I suppose, as long I know that there is availability. That's what I've really felt the lack of. But it's okay now. We're on the same page, more or less, and I think it's gonna be okay.
My heart is still hesitant. Is this safe to put my weight on? Can I lean on this and not be broken? I don't know, heart. But I know that they're trying, and so am I... and we're both looking to God to lead the way. So it must be okay, right?
It's not going to be easy, though. Right now, my waters are very muddied. Lots of stuff has been stirred up that I have no clue how to deal with. Like anger. What do you do with that??
Thank God for J. I'm realizing that, someday, if I ever want to replicate this situation for the benefit of others, there must be someone outside the family to talk to, to work through stuff with when it gets sticky within the family. Yeah. It's just... easier. Easier than trying to figure this stuff out while dancing around family "politics" (if that's even the word for it--I can't think of anything else at the moment).
So I'm still kinda in shock. I can't believe the situation reversed itself so quickly. I think we've all still got alot to learn. But, for now, we're all walking together, and that's a great relief to me.
Thank you, Father.
Another conversation, this time profitable. Both parties had their barriers down. It was all that I'd been hoping for-- a restoration of relationship. No judging. No justifying. Just honesty and acceptance.
I never meant to make them feel like failures. Are you kidding? The last thing I would want to do is hurt someone intentionally! I could if I wanted to--there are plenty of cutting, poisonous remarks that surface in my head, and right now there's enough anger to go around. But I don't, because I don't want to hurt anyone. That's a part of myself that I keep under control. Lord forbid that I cause anyone to go through anything remotely reminiscent of what I went through!!
Anyway, that's not my style. If I want to hurt you, I'll withdraw. Punishment for both of us! Hah.
It meant so much to have them come back, to try to make things right. That was more than I had expected, since I had resigned myself to the experience of the night before. It was like I was trying to reach out, and they were responding, but somehow it wasn't... right. There was still a chasm between us, and I had no idea how to bridge it. So, since my effort resulted in frustrated confusion on my end, I had decided not to try again. Why bother, if I'm just going to get hurt again? And, yes, there was anger there...as evidenced by my previous posts.
And I don't know how to explain what happened. It's like the light came on, I guess. Most precious of all to me was the assurance, "We love you."
We love you.
God, I don't know what you did, but I'm so grateful. That is what I needed. Just to know that I am loved, that it's okay, and that they are there for me... that's what I wanted so badly. It doesn't matter how busy they are, I suppose, as long I know that there is availability. That's what I've really felt the lack of. But it's okay now. We're on the same page, more or less, and I think it's gonna be okay.
My heart is still hesitant. Is this safe to put my weight on? Can I lean on this and not be broken? I don't know, heart. But I know that they're trying, and so am I... and we're both looking to God to lead the way. So it must be okay, right?
It's not going to be easy, though. Right now, my waters are very muddied. Lots of stuff has been stirred up that I have no clue how to deal with. Like anger. What do you do with that??
Thank God for J. I'm realizing that, someday, if I ever want to replicate this situation for the benefit of others, there must be someone outside the family to talk to, to work through stuff with when it gets sticky within the family. Yeah. It's just... easier. Easier than trying to figure this stuff out while dancing around family "politics" (if that's even the word for it--I can't think of anything else at the moment).
So I'm still kinda in shock. I can't believe the situation reversed itself so quickly. I think we've all still got alot to learn. But, for now, we're all walking together, and that's a great relief to me.
Thank you, Father.
Once more.
regarding: movie, music
This band, Tenth Avenue North, has alot of songs that really comfort me and encourage me. They're sure about what their hope is... and I need that right now.
On and on we go... through this maze of darkness and uncertainty...
I haven't quite given up, but I'm not sure I'm still in the running.
It's like my life is having a bad hair day.
Is it wrong that I don't want to be part of a family? I am independent--can't you see? I was on my own for years before I met you... and you think I can't survive without you? Like I need to learn at your feet? Yet here, I have food, shelter, warmth... I'd be a fool to walk away, if only for purely physical reasons. No, I'll stay... but I think you've lost me.
On and on we go... come (Lord), take my hand...
What's the point of even trying to make this work? Obviously, I'm not responsible enough, or mature enough, or independent enough, or... whatever enough. I am a continual disappointment. Do I have to keep doing this?
Sure, we can structure our lives, but will that really help? Can I schedule myself into a competent person?
You want to see irresponsible? Oh, I can show you irresponsible. How about if I packed a bag and disappeared for a few days? That could happen. You don't know how hard I have to beat myself mentally to keep from doing just that... so often....
At least Juneaux doesn't see my flaws.
I don't want to be seen. Least of all by you.
The very medicine that was supposed to heal me has poisoned me, and I wither away... but you'll never know... 'cause I still don't want to let you in. All that talk, all those good intentions, and for what? I'm still the same person... with the same old dysfunctions. Of course I understand you. That's why it frustrates me so.
Am I selfish? Maybe. Aren't we all?
And what, really, is the point? To give yourself totally, to invest so thoroughly, to open up so completely... for what? Tonight, I saw a woman who loves her husband take his warm, unresponsive hand and weep. He was taken from her without warning, without mercy... and now she agonizes alone. What's the point?
Elderly people, once useful, productive, and cognizant... now wasted, withered, and unable to comprehend reality. They fritter the remaining dregs of their lives away... for what?
What is the point? Why should I even continue living? I'm just going to die, anyway, someday...
The car accident... yesterday was the anniversary. I am whole and (somewhat) healthy, yet other people have had almost identical experiences, and they are paralyzed from the waist down, they are unable to use their arm because of nerve damage, or... they're dead. Why am I still alive? Why am I here? Why me? And, please tell me, what is the point?
Is all that I've worked for for naught? Does it even matter? Is it that big of a deal if I live the rest of my life as I have lived the past 22? What difference will that make in the grand scheme of things?
When I hate myself, I don't want to sleep. I guess it's a way of punishing myself. I don't want to sleep tonight. I don't want to pull out my hope box. I just want to revel in the pain, to drive the sharp knife of loathing deep into my soul so that I can drown out the agony of disappointment. I want to cry until I bleed. I want to do something destructive with absolutely no (apparent) consequences.
It's times like this I'm glad I live in the country. If I lived in the city... you better believe I'd be out doing something right now, instead of sitting in my room, stewing in my juices. I suppose it would be better if I were to just sleep...
...but what's the point?
Sure, we can structure our lives, but will that really help? Can I schedule myself into a competent person?
You want to see irresponsible? Oh, I can show you irresponsible. How about if I packed a bag and disappeared for a few days? That could happen. You don't know how hard I have to beat myself mentally to keep from doing just that... so often....
At least Juneaux doesn't see my flaws.
I don't want to be seen. Least of all by you.
The very medicine that was supposed to heal me has poisoned me, and I wither away... but you'll never know... 'cause I still don't want to let you in. All that talk, all those good intentions, and for what? I'm still the same person... with the same old dysfunctions. Of course I understand you. That's why it frustrates me so.
Am I selfish? Maybe. Aren't we all?
And what, really, is the point? To give yourself totally, to invest so thoroughly, to open up so completely... for what? Tonight, I saw a woman who loves her husband take his warm, unresponsive hand and weep. He was taken from her without warning, without mercy... and now she agonizes alone. What's the point?
Elderly people, once useful, productive, and cognizant... now wasted, withered, and unable to comprehend reality. They fritter the remaining dregs of their lives away... for what?
What is the point? Why should I even continue living? I'm just going to die, anyway, someday...
The car accident... yesterday was the anniversary. I am whole and (somewhat) healthy, yet other people have had almost identical experiences, and they are paralyzed from the waist down, they are unable to use their arm because of nerve damage, or... they're dead. Why am I still alive? Why am I here? Why me? And, please tell me, what is the point?
Is all that I've worked for for naught? Does it even matter? Is it that big of a deal if I live the rest of my life as I have lived the past 22? What difference will that make in the grand scheme of things?
When I hate myself, I don't want to sleep. I guess it's a way of punishing myself. I don't want to sleep tonight. I don't want to pull out my hope box. I just want to revel in the pain, to drive the sharp knife of loathing deep into my soul so that I can drown out the agony of disappointment. I want to cry until I bleed. I want to do something destructive with absolutely no (apparent) consequences.
It's times like this I'm glad I live in the country. If I lived in the city... you better believe I'd be out doing something right now, instead of sitting in my room, stewing in my juices. I suppose it would be better if I were to just sleep...
...but what's the point?
Gloomy, gloomy.
regarding: avoidance, realization
Having a computer of my own is a mixed blessing. I've spent the last 2 hours looking at absolutely pointless things on the internet... I can feel my brain cells dying. Why? Why would I endure such pointless, humorous agony? Because I'm avoiding, that's why.
I'm still going through the "searching and fearless moral inventory", and I am dreading it for some reason. I guess it's the familiar thought coming 'round again--maybe if I ignore it, it will go away? But no, it won't... and now all I have is a musty brain.
I would take a walk to clear my head, but it's in the 40's, with a very cutting, cold wind, and... my foot. I shouldn't be walking on the rough terrain of our driveway with it just yet. Last time I did that... I paid for it.
Anyway, here I am, faced with this stupid thing again. Why am I so reluctant to do this assignment? Maybe I'm afraid of hurting. It was so nice at R and J's, and I was happy. (Yes, happy! Can you believe it?) No darkness. And now, I willingly plunge back into it? What kind of madness is that? I don't want to think about this stuff! Can't I just be happy, already? Do I have to keep wading into the pitchy mires of my past?
Yes, I suppose so... for unless I clear out the garbage, it will sit in the corner and rot. Bah. Just leave me alone! Why do I have to deal with this junk? Sometimes I so wish I were someone else. Not that anyone ever escapes unscathed... I've come to realize that everyone (and that's everyone) has baggage and scars of some kind, no matter how small. We all need healing and regeneration. Just chalk it up to the simple fact that people aren't perfect, and neither is the world we live in. You're bound to get banged up a time or two. But as I look back on my life, and as I talked it over a bit with Jeanette, I think, "Really? Do I just have a sign taped to my back that says 'Take advantage of me! Use me! Abuse me! Above all, abandon me! Thank you, and have a nice day.'"
It's just... frustrating. Why should I have to pay for the sins of someone else? I'm not anyone's saviour.
I recognize this over-usage of the internet from my past, too. Another coping mechanism rears its ugly head. Especially when I was living with C and unemployed, the days just draaaaaagged, and I was so unhappy. Random internet stuff dulls my senses to the point where I don't really notice my unhappiness anymore. Now, however, I'm so unused to the feeling that it's like being drugged, or sedated, and I don't like it. It makes me feel queasy in my soul.
But, oh! I did realize today a time in my past when I was happy! (I was beginning to wonder if I would find any at all.) While I was attending Vista High, I was happy. (I think of it as the "chocolate milk" time. Because I think in pictures and sensations, I have a picture of the yard area pop into my head, and the feelings and tastes that accompanied my daily chocolate milk in the cafeteria.) I had friends, I had C, I was achieving very well academically, and I was totally free in my expression of myself through the outward appearance. It was like I was really myself for that period of time, and I was happy. And then... I went canvassing. Enter self-loathing, confusion, and people-pleasing... and a revival of depression. (I was probably depressed during the chocolate milk times too, though.)
Something scary happened in Montana. I took a fancy to a young man. We hardly know each other, but he's good looking, nice, intelligent, etc. Scary. A threat to my precarious position of contentment in singlehood. And, as I have purposed in my heart not to manipulate men to boost my ego anymore, this makes it even more difficult because I have no clue how to relate to guys now. I don't know what to do, really... especially when I'm attracted to someone. But I gained an insight out of all this. In an effort to keep myself from being attracted to this young man, I began to severely criticize and berate myself. Cue the cycle of self-loathing--and I'm doing it on purpose! How awful! "He would never want you, anyway. Look at yourself. You're just a chubby white girl. You're not pretty enough. He would want someone more talented, someone smarter. Besides, you're so screwed up that you'd only take him down with you." (And the fact that I'm telling myself all this is case in point.)
So, now that I have caught myself doing this, it's time to stop it. I suppose that will come with time, and it's part of the process of learning to healthfully relate to others. Attacking myself to beat down attraction is not healthy.
Okay. Really. Stop avoiding, now. Blogging is good, but... you need to get this inventory done. God, help me. I don't really wanna do this, but I know it's necessary. Help me.
I'm still going through the "searching and fearless moral inventory", and I am dreading it for some reason. I guess it's the familiar thought coming 'round again--maybe if I ignore it, it will go away? But no, it won't... and now all I have is a musty brain.
I would take a walk to clear my head, but it's in the 40's, with a very cutting, cold wind, and... my foot. I shouldn't be walking on the rough terrain of our driveway with it just yet. Last time I did that... I paid for it.
Anyway, here I am, faced with this stupid thing again. Why am I so reluctant to do this assignment? Maybe I'm afraid of hurting. It was so nice at R and J's, and I was happy. (Yes, happy! Can you believe it?) No darkness. And now, I willingly plunge back into it? What kind of madness is that? I don't want to think about this stuff! Can't I just be happy, already? Do I have to keep wading into the pitchy mires of my past?
Yes, I suppose so... for unless I clear out the garbage, it will sit in the corner and rot. Bah. Just leave me alone! Why do I have to deal with this junk? Sometimes I so wish I were someone else. Not that anyone ever escapes unscathed... I've come to realize that everyone (and that's everyone) has baggage and scars of some kind, no matter how small. We all need healing and regeneration. Just chalk it up to the simple fact that people aren't perfect, and neither is the world we live in. You're bound to get banged up a time or two. But as I look back on my life, and as I talked it over a bit with Jeanette, I think, "Really? Do I just have a sign taped to my back that says 'Take advantage of me! Use me! Abuse me! Above all, abandon me! Thank you, and have a nice day.'"
It's just... frustrating. Why should I have to pay for the sins of someone else? I'm not anyone's saviour.
I recognize this over-usage of the internet from my past, too. Another coping mechanism rears its ugly head. Especially when I was living with C and unemployed, the days just draaaaaagged, and I was so unhappy. Random internet stuff dulls my senses to the point where I don't really notice my unhappiness anymore. Now, however, I'm so unused to the feeling that it's like being drugged, or sedated, and I don't like it. It makes me feel queasy in my soul.
But, oh! I did realize today a time in my past when I was happy! (I was beginning to wonder if I would find any at all.) While I was attending Vista High, I was happy. (I think of it as the "chocolate milk" time. Because I think in pictures and sensations, I have a picture of the yard area pop into my head, and the feelings and tastes that accompanied my daily chocolate milk in the cafeteria.) I had friends, I had C, I was achieving very well academically, and I was totally free in my expression of myself through the outward appearance. It was like I was really myself for that period of time, and I was happy. And then... I went canvassing. Enter self-loathing, confusion, and people-pleasing... and a revival of depression. (I was probably depressed during the chocolate milk times too, though.)
Something scary happened in Montana. I took a fancy to a young man. We hardly know each other, but he's good looking, nice, intelligent, etc. Scary. A threat to my precarious position of contentment in singlehood. And, as I have purposed in my heart not to manipulate men to boost my ego anymore, this makes it even more difficult because I have no clue how to relate to guys now. I don't know what to do, really... especially when I'm attracted to someone. But I gained an insight out of all this. In an effort to keep myself from being attracted to this young man, I began to severely criticize and berate myself. Cue the cycle of self-loathing--and I'm doing it on purpose! How awful! "He would never want you, anyway. Look at yourself. You're just a chubby white girl. You're not pretty enough. He would want someone more talented, someone smarter. Besides, you're so screwed up that you'd only take him down with you." (And the fact that I'm telling myself all this is case in point.)
So, now that I have caught myself doing this, it's time to stop it. I suppose that will come with time, and it's part of the process of learning to healthfully relate to others. Attacking myself to beat down attraction is not healthy.
Okay. Really. Stop avoiding, now. Blogging is good, but... you need to get this inventory done. God, help me. I don't really wanna do this, but I know it's necessary. Help me.