Gloomy, gloomy.

Having a computer of my own is a mixed blessing. I've spent the last 2 hours looking at absolutely pointless things on the internet... I can feel my brain cells dying. Why? Why would I endure such pointless, humorous agony? Because I'm avoiding, that's why.

I'm still going through the "searching and fearless moral inventory", and I am dreading it for some reason. I guess it's the familiar thought coming 'round again--maybe if I ignore it, it will go away? But no, it won't... and now all I have is a musty brain.

I would take a walk to clear my head, but it's in the 40's, with a very cutting, cold wind, and... my foot. I shouldn't be walking on the rough terrain of our driveway with it just yet. Last time I did that... I paid for it.

Anyway, here I am, faced with this stupid thing again. Why am I so reluctant to do this assignment? Maybe I'm afraid of hurting. It was so nice at R and J's, and I was happy. (Yes, happy! Can you believe it?) No darkness. And now, I willingly plunge back into it? What kind of madness is that? I don't want to think about this stuff! Can't I just be happy, already? Do I have to keep wading into the pitchy mires of my past?

Yes, I suppose so... for unless I clear out the garbage, it will sit in the corner and rot. Bah. Just leave me alone! Why do I have to deal with this junk? Sometimes I so wish I were someone else. Not that anyone ever escapes unscathed... I've come to realize that everyone (and that's everyone) has baggage and scars of some kind, no matter how small. We all need healing and regeneration. Just chalk it up to the simple fact that people aren't perfect, and neither is the world we live in. You're bound to get banged up a time or two. But as I look back on my life, and as I talked it over a bit with Jeanette, I think, "Really? Do I just have a sign taped to my back that says 'Take advantage of me! Use me! Abuse me! Above all, abandon me! Thank you, and have a nice day.'"

It's just... frustrating. Why should I have to pay for the sins of someone else? I'm not anyone's saviour.

I recognize this over-usage of the internet from my past, too. Another coping mechanism rears its ugly head. Especially when I was living with C and unemployed, the days just draaaaaagged, and I was so unhappy. Random internet stuff dulls my senses to the point where I don't really notice my unhappiness anymore. Now, however, I'm so unused to the feeling that it's like being drugged, or sedated, and I don't like it. It makes me feel queasy in my soul.

But, oh! I did realize today a time in my past when I was happy! (I was beginning to wonder if I would find any at all.) While I was attending Vista High, I was happy. (I think of it as the "chocolate milk" time. Because I think in pictures and sensations, I have a picture of the yard area pop into my head, and the feelings and tastes that accompanied my daily chocolate milk in the cafeteria.) I had friends, I had C, I was achieving very well academically, and I was totally free in my expression of myself through the outward appearance. It was like I was really myself for that period of time, and I was happy. And then... I went canvassing. Enter self-loathing, confusion, and people-pleasing... and a revival of depression. (I was probably depressed during the chocolate milk times too, though.)

Something scary happened in Montana. I took a fancy to a young man. We hardly know each other, but he's good looking, nice, intelligent, etc. Scary. A threat to my precarious position of contentment in singlehood. And, as I have purposed in my heart not to manipulate men to boost my ego anymore, this makes it even more difficult because I have no clue how to relate to guys now. I don't know what to do, really... especially when I'm attracted to someone. But I gained an insight out of all this. In an effort to keep myself from being attracted to this young man, I began to severely criticize and berate myself. Cue the cycle of self-loathing--and I'm doing it on purpose! How awful! "He would never want you, anyway. Look at yourself. You're just a chubby white girl. You're not pretty enough. He would want someone more talented, someone smarter. Besides, you're so screwed up that you'd only take him down with you." (And the fact that I'm telling myself all this is case in point.)

So, now that I have caught myself doing this, it's time to stop it. I suppose that will come with time, and it's part of the process of learning to healthfully relate to others. Attacking myself to beat down attraction is not healthy.

Okay. Really. Stop avoiding, now. Blogging is good, but... you need to get this inventory done. God, help me. I don't really wanna do this, but I know it's necessary. Help me.

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