I'm not sure what just happened.

I was so disappointed... and so not looking forward to resigning myself to a life of aloofness and isolation until I could escape... and still torn between trying and just giving up (orchestrated retreat hehe)... and THEN...

Another conversation, this time profitable. Both parties had their barriers down. It was all that I'd been hoping for-- a restoration of relationship. No judging. No justifying. Just honesty and acceptance.

I never meant to make them feel like failures. Are you kidding? The last thing I would want to do is hurt someone intentionally! I could if I wanted to--there are plenty of cutting, poisonous remarks that surface in my head, and right now there's enough anger to go around. But I don't, because I don't want to hurt anyone. That's a part of myself that I keep under control. Lord forbid that I cause anyone to go through anything remotely reminiscent of what I went through!!

Anyway, that's not my style. If I want to hurt you, I'll withdraw. Punishment for both of us! Hah.

It meant so much to have them come back, to try to make things right. That was more than I had expected, since I had resigned myself to the experience of the night before. It was like I was trying to reach out, and they were responding, but somehow it wasn't... right. There was still a chasm between us, and I had no idea how to bridge it. So, since my effort resulted in frustrated confusion on my end, I had decided not to try again. Why bother, if I'm just going to get hurt again? And, yes, there was anger there...as evidenced by my previous posts.

And I don't know how to explain what happened. It's like the light came on, I guess. Most precious of all to me was the assurance, "We love you."

We love you.

God, I don't know what you did, but I'm so grateful. That is what I needed. Just to know that I am loved, that it's okay, and that they are there for me... that's what I wanted so badly. It doesn't matter how busy they are, I suppose, as long I know that there is availability. That's what I've really felt the lack of. But it's okay now. We're on the same page, more or less, and I think it's gonna be okay.

My heart is still hesitant. Is this safe to put my weight on? Can I lean on this and not be broken? I don't know, heart. But I know that they're trying, and so am I... and we're both looking to God to lead the way. So it must be okay, right?

It's not going to be easy, though. Right now, my waters are very muddied. Lots of stuff has been stirred up that I have no clue how to deal with. Like anger. What do you do with that??

Thank God for J. I'm realizing that, someday, if I ever want to replicate this situation for the benefit of others, there must be someone outside the family to talk to, to work through stuff with when it gets sticky within the family. Yeah. It's just... easier. Easier than trying to figure this stuff out while dancing around family "politics" (if that's even the word for it--I can't think of anything else at the moment).

So I'm still kinda in shock. I can't believe the situation reversed itself so quickly. I think we've all still got alot to learn. But, for now, we're all walking together, and that's a great relief to me.

Thank you, Father.

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