And life inexorably grinds on. Working at the herb store... I can hardly wait until time to go home!
I hate it when you think you're doing the right thing, then you get busted for making a mistake. And the "solution" for avoiding that mistake would only get you into trouble because it would be in direct opposition to the instructions for doing a good job previously received. *sigh*
Finished my work week, then I ended up on the local news! When I informed my friends, they asked me "Why were you on the news?!" I said, "Well, you see, first I robbed a bank, then I set fire to a bunch of babies, and then I threatened the President, all the while going over the speed limit."
In reality, it was a story on my involvement with the Healing Journey, and my own story of abuse. (They ran it three times!)
"Abuse survivor speaks out"
After that, E pulled me into an impromptu "counseling" session with the secretary from the church we hold the meetings at. It was... intense. But good. And she's going to start coming to group! :) (Funnily enough, I had just talked to her a few days before about seeing FB for pre-marital counseling, but I don't think she recognized me.)
Then I headed over to C's and cleaned the apartment. As his roomie S said, "She came over and cleaned because she loves us." Darn tootin'. I just wish that I was going to be able to see his Hamlet production, but I already have plans for tomorrow night. :(
Today was practice, practice, and more practice (as well as talking through some things with C, which was good). The talent show was today, and it was my first time performing for an actual audience besides church friends. It went well. (Actually, I ended up singing and playing for the news crew, but that was just a few people-- didn't FEEL like I was playing for the whole city! lol)
Outside, the wind is whipping and howling through the dark night. (Think, "Master the tempest is raging".) It feels like a reflection of what's going on inside me.
So many voices, all pulling me different directions... Which one do I listen to? Which one is my voice, the voice that will tell me what I think is right and good?
I know what my friends think. I know what my other friends think. I know what my other, other friends think. I know what my mom thinks. I know what my dad thinks. I know what my grandparents think.
But what do I think?
The frustrating thing is that I'm the one that has to live with every teeny-tiny decision that I make, regardless of whether it's my voice I'm listening to or not.
Right, right, it's God's voice I'm supposed to be listening to. I know.
I know who God is- he's the one who made this universe. He's the one who sent wind and clouds for me when I was testifying against G. He's the one who puts rainbows in the sky for my family and sends invisible winds through courtrooms as a sign of his presence. He's the one who designed the labradorite I delight in, who crafted the olfactory system so that I can enjoy the incense that wafts through the room.
He's the one who sent me C, to keep me from wandering off into dark paths. He's the one that sings to me through KLOVE.
Yes, I know who God is, of a sort... but who am I? And how do the two relate to one another?
I'm just a child looking for a daddy. All I ever wanted was to be loved.
A friend pointed out my theological errors in the thought that C and I are married in the eyes of God. She's right. It's not true. There's more to marriage than sex.
I had broached the idea of the August wedding to C, but he patiently talked me out of it. He says he doesn't want to rush back into anything, and that being married is hard enough without my being gone for the first year of it. I see his point, and acknowledge that it is superior in wisdom to my own. (Also, he pointed out that sometimes I rush into things and then regret it later. He doesn't want that to be the case here.) He is much like R, and I'm glad for that. So the plan now is to go through the pre-marital counseling, and if we're still good we'll get engaged. The wedding would wait until after I graduate.
He is good for me. We complement each other well. (His strengths are different than mine, etc.) And, he's getting a taste of my "issues"... and still loves me. He wants me around. And I want him around. I know that I could live without him... but why bother?
We complement each other, yet we are similar in ways as well. His morals are very high, but they are more lax in the area of sexual purity, and we had a good talk about that today. I really think we're making headway.
He was expressing his frustration today about "religious people", how they totally write him off and basically ignore anything he would have to say or contribute, simply because he doesn't believe in God. (Yet. Heh.) It's like they put up this brick wall, assuming they've got him figured out, and that drives him nuts.
I gave him Case for a Creator today. We'll just have to see what happens. I'm going to be praying like crazy.
And I changed my fb status today from "Seventh Day Adventist" to "Monotheist". I think it's a more accurate depiction of where I'm at. I mean, I'm still going to church for the time being, and I'm keeping Sabbath, but I'm in this weird limbo where I'm not sure whether or not I trust the Bible, yet still very much believing it and influenced by what it has to say. I know God exists, and I've had personal contact with him. But... I just don't really have the energy to pretend to be this great Christian anymore.
Don't look up to me. Don't set me up as a role model for your children or young adults. You have no idea what's going on behind these eyes. I'm not what you think I am.
I'm thinking about taking off Sabbaths and grabbing a book and going hiking.
But you know what sucks? If I stop going to church... people are going to blame C. And so I want to keep going, if only to protect him. Because there always has to be a reason for apostasy. It can't be as simple as "I'm having a lot of questions and I need some time out to do some research and think through things on my own."
And I gotta figure out where Jesus fits into all of this.
And here's something else that is weirding me out lately: my uterus is still tripping out some. I can't be pregnant, so what's going on? Oh, yeah, and I've been seeing doctors a lot lately- echograms, bilateral renal artery ultrasounds, and now a CT scan. Found out after the scan that I'm supposed to go see a cardiologist?! Huh. I wonder what's going on.
I hate it when you think you're doing the right thing, then you get busted for making a mistake. And the "solution" for avoiding that mistake would only get you into trouble because it would be in direct opposition to the instructions for doing a good job previously received. *sigh*
Finished my work week, then I ended up on the local news! When I informed my friends, they asked me "Why were you on the news?!" I said, "Well, you see, first I robbed a bank, then I set fire to a bunch of babies, and then I threatened the President, all the while going over the speed limit."
In reality, it was a story on my involvement with the Healing Journey, and my own story of abuse. (They ran it three times!)
"Abuse survivor speaks out"
After that, E pulled me into an impromptu "counseling" session with the secretary from the church we hold the meetings at. It was... intense. But good. And she's going to start coming to group! :) (Funnily enough, I had just talked to her a few days before about seeing FB for pre-marital counseling, but I don't think she recognized me.)
Then I headed over to C's and cleaned the apartment. As his roomie S said, "She came over and cleaned because she loves us." Darn tootin'. I just wish that I was going to be able to see his Hamlet production, but I already have plans for tomorrow night. :(
Today was practice, practice, and more practice (as well as talking through some things with C, which was good). The talent show was today, and it was my first time performing for an actual audience besides church friends. It went well. (Actually, I ended up singing and playing for the news crew, but that was just a few people-- didn't FEEL like I was playing for the whole city! lol)
Outside, the wind is whipping and howling through the dark night. (Think, "Master the tempest is raging".) It feels like a reflection of what's going on inside me.
So many voices, all pulling me different directions... Which one do I listen to? Which one is my voice, the voice that will tell me what I think is right and good?
I know what my friends think. I know what my other friends think. I know what my other, other friends think. I know what my mom thinks. I know what my dad thinks. I know what my grandparents think.
But what do I think?
The frustrating thing is that I'm the one that has to live with every teeny-tiny decision that I make, regardless of whether it's my voice I'm listening to or not.
Right, right, it's God's voice I'm supposed to be listening to. I know.
I know who God is- he's the one who made this universe. He's the one who sent wind and clouds for me when I was testifying against G. He's the one who puts rainbows in the sky for my family and sends invisible winds through courtrooms as a sign of his presence. He's the one who designed the labradorite I delight in, who crafted the olfactory system so that I can enjoy the incense that wafts through the room.
He's the one who sent me C, to keep me from wandering off into dark paths. He's the one that sings to me through KLOVE.
Yes, I know who God is, of a sort... but who am I? And how do the two relate to one another?
I'm just a child looking for a daddy. All I ever wanted was to be loved.
A friend pointed out my theological errors in the thought that C and I are married in the eyes of God. She's right. It's not true. There's more to marriage than sex.
I had broached the idea of the August wedding to C, but he patiently talked me out of it. He says he doesn't want to rush back into anything, and that being married is hard enough without my being gone for the first year of it. I see his point, and acknowledge that it is superior in wisdom to my own. (Also, he pointed out that sometimes I rush into things and then regret it later. He doesn't want that to be the case here.) He is much like R, and I'm glad for that. So the plan now is to go through the pre-marital counseling, and if we're still good we'll get engaged. The wedding would wait until after I graduate.
He is good for me. We complement each other well. (His strengths are different than mine, etc.) And, he's getting a taste of my "issues"... and still loves me. He wants me around. And I want him around. I know that I could live without him... but why bother?
We complement each other, yet we are similar in ways as well. His morals are very high, but they are more lax in the area of sexual purity, and we had a good talk about that today. I really think we're making headway.
He was expressing his frustration today about "religious people", how they totally write him off and basically ignore anything he would have to say or contribute, simply because he doesn't believe in God. (Yet. Heh.) It's like they put up this brick wall, assuming they've got him figured out, and that drives him nuts.
I gave him Case for a Creator today. We'll just have to see what happens. I'm going to be praying like crazy.
And I changed my fb status today from "Seventh Day Adventist" to "Monotheist". I think it's a more accurate depiction of where I'm at. I mean, I'm still going to church for the time being, and I'm keeping Sabbath, but I'm in this weird limbo where I'm not sure whether or not I trust the Bible, yet still very much believing it and influenced by what it has to say. I know God exists, and I've had personal contact with him. But... I just don't really have the energy to pretend to be this great Christian anymore.
Don't look up to me. Don't set me up as a role model for your children or young adults. You have no idea what's going on behind these eyes. I'm not what you think I am.
I'm thinking about taking off Sabbaths and grabbing a book and going hiking.
But you know what sucks? If I stop going to church... people are going to blame C. And so I want to keep going, if only to protect him. Because there always has to be a reason for apostasy. It can't be as simple as "I'm having a lot of questions and I need some time out to do some research and think through things on my own."
And I gotta figure out where Jesus fits into all of this.
And here's something else that is weirding me out lately: my uterus is still tripping out some. I can't be pregnant, so what's going on? Oh, yeah, and I've been seeing doctors a lot lately- echograms, bilateral renal artery ultrasounds, and now a CT scan. Found out after the scan that I'm supposed to go see a cardiologist?! Huh. I wonder what's going on.
0 thoughts: