I lost my job today.
I could go into reasons why and what happened and vent my anger and raise my frustrations... but I'm honestly not in the mood right now. I want to get the frustration out, but it's just sitting there, somewhere below my ribcage, and it seems to be shy.
Suffice it to say that there were unspoken expectations in play, along with mixed messages (or mixed interpretation of messages), personality conflicts, and the realization that I really, really dislike being a salesperson. Even if it's not showing up on someone's doorstep, I don't like selling people things.
That's good to know for the future.
But what really gets me is... it's just... I mean, is it me?
Why can't I hold a job? Why do I dislike so intensely the "normal" work scenario?
Why do I keep getting these jobs that seem like a dream come true, only to have them blow up in my face, to find that I dread going to work everyday, to find that my boss is... something other than what I thought they were, to find that I'm trapped in purgatory and I can't get out because I need the paycheck so badly?
Is it me?
Am I really just that hard to work with?
Am I deluded in thinking that I'm a good worker?
What a rollercoaster this week has been...
First, the tv interview and the talent show and Beautiful You... it was like I was getting this message from everywhere, "You're awesome! You're amazing! You're so strong! You're doing great things!"
And then a few days later, Life is like, "Hah, I was just kidding. You actually suck."
And then I'm all like, "...Mer. I always knew it."
Why do I automatically believe the bad and distrust the good?
Yesterday, my first counseling appointment that I was supposed to have? My appt. was for 2:30, so in the confirmation call, they told me to come at 2. Okay, I can do that. So I show up at 2, only to find that I can't be seen because I was supposed to be there at 1 to fill out paperwork and nobody told me. So now I have to wait another two weeks.
You know the funny thing? I've been trying this whole "give your day to God before you even get out of bed in the morning" thing, and both days I've done that, sucky stuff has happened. And yet, even while it's going on, this little thought bursts through a tiny door in my brain and shouts, "But what if this is paving the way for something more awesome than what you would have gotten if it had gone your way? What if this is part of something better?" And that thought is what has gotten me through with a minimum of freaking-out.
And now I realize the importance of not basing your self-worth on the messages you're receiving from "outside"... because it'll drive you crazy. I've gone from being an awesome, strong survivor to an inept, unsatisfying employee in the span of a few days.
Who do I believe?
I believe... I believe myself. I may not be awesome, but I'm at least okay. And I did my best. No one can fault me for that.
So, to my former boss whom I'm still somewhat ticked at, I simply say, "Your face!" and leave it at that.
I could go into reasons why and what happened and vent my anger and raise my frustrations... but I'm honestly not in the mood right now. I want to get the frustration out, but it's just sitting there, somewhere below my ribcage, and it seems to be shy.
Suffice it to say that there were unspoken expectations in play, along with mixed messages (or mixed interpretation of messages), personality conflicts, and the realization that I really, really dislike being a salesperson. Even if it's not showing up on someone's doorstep, I don't like selling people things.
That's good to know for the future.
But what really gets me is... it's just... I mean, is it me?
Why can't I hold a job? Why do I dislike so intensely the "normal" work scenario?
Why do I keep getting these jobs that seem like a dream come true, only to have them blow up in my face, to find that I dread going to work everyday, to find that my boss is... something other than what I thought they were, to find that I'm trapped in purgatory and I can't get out because I need the paycheck so badly?
Is it me?
Am I really just that hard to work with?
Am I deluded in thinking that I'm a good worker?
What a rollercoaster this week has been...
First, the tv interview and the talent show and Beautiful You... it was like I was getting this message from everywhere, "You're awesome! You're amazing! You're so strong! You're doing great things!"
And then a few days later, Life is like, "Hah, I was just kidding. You actually suck."
And then I'm all like, "...Mer. I always knew it."
Why do I automatically believe the bad and distrust the good?
Yesterday, my first counseling appointment that I was supposed to have? My appt. was for 2:30, so in the confirmation call, they told me to come at 2. Okay, I can do that. So I show up at 2, only to find that I can't be seen because I was supposed to be there at 1 to fill out paperwork and nobody told me. So now I have to wait another two weeks.
You know the funny thing? I've been trying this whole "give your day to God before you even get out of bed in the morning" thing, and both days I've done that, sucky stuff has happened. And yet, even while it's going on, this little thought bursts through a tiny door in my brain and shouts, "But what if this is paving the way for something more awesome than what you would have gotten if it had gone your way? What if this is part of something better?" And that thought is what has gotten me through with a minimum of freaking-out.
And now I realize the importance of not basing your self-worth on the messages you're receiving from "outside"... because it'll drive you crazy. I've gone from being an awesome, strong survivor to an inept, unsatisfying employee in the span of a few days.
Who do I believe?
I believe... I believe myself. I may not be awesome, but I'm at least okay. And I did my best. No one can fault me for that.
So, to my former boss whom I'm still somewhat ticked at, I simply say, "Your face!" and leave it at that.
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