I'm getting that question more frequently lately, because several close friends and family members know about my miscarriage.
It's nice, nice to know they're thinking of me and concerned about me, but I just... don't know what to say.
"I'm fine"? Not entirely true, but true enough.
"Better than I thought I'd be." That one's more accurate, and that's what I told J today. Still kinda "meh", but I'm doing much better than I anticipated. Then again, I have no way of anticipating or predicting my responses in this situation, since I've never experienced anything like this before.
I wish I could feel more anger.
A situation came up this week that should have really ticked me off, but... it didn't. I showed all the correct outward signs of being upset, because I knew that I was upset, but there was no stir of passion within me. I feel almost dead inside.
I came to Y brimming with passion and ideas, but the longer I am here, the more drained and lethargic I feel, on pretty much every front.
I just got cut back to two days a week at the herb store, so maybe that will help.
And I'm starting counseling in about two weeks. I'm looking forward to that.
Maybe it's just this spiritual confusion that's got me... scared? I'm almost frightened to know what the response would be from those who perceive me as this wonderful, solid Christian.
(Why does this feel like when I quit Bible work, all over again?)
I keep going through these cycles of "breaking free" of the imposed mantle of uber-Christianity that somehow manages to fall upon me.
I make decisions out of fear of disappointing those I love... and I'm really tired of it.
I've run up against a decision that will, either way, hurt and/or disappoint someone.
So I've thought through it, studied through it, prayed about it, sought counsel from both perspectives, weighed the pros and cons, and made a decision for myself, on what I feel is the best thing to do. Quite frankly, it feels great!
I'm still fearful of revealing the decision, because I know I'll meet with disappointment, even opposition, but I've made my choice. In addition, some of the people that I love and respect the advice of the most actually do, after a time, view my decision favorably. (They didn't at first, but after I explained my position and thoughts, they realized that it is a good thing.)
Honestly, I've never really been one to be evasive, and I kind of have been of late... for fear of running up contrary to the ideas of those I love. But I can't live a double life like that. It's wearing on the mind and soul.
So, I'm just going to come out and say it- C and I are in a relationship, and we plan to be married sometime in the next year or two. And I'm very happy.
It kind of reminds me of my decision to come back to Y. There were several points in time, on in particular, that I thought about coming back here, but I knew that I couldn't-- because it would be running away. The timing wasn't right. Finally, when I felt I was ready, I willingly chose to come back, and it wasn't running away.
With C, so often I've wanted to go back to him, to be with him, and several times I have, but I knew I shouldn't-- because it was running away. The affirmation I received from him was like a drug that I self-medicated with. I've come to some realizations lately about myself and about him, and this time... I'm not running away to him. I'm choosing him, willingly, because (for one thing) we love each other.
There's WAY more to my thought process than that, but I don't have time to put it down on paper now. I need to be sleeping in just a few minutes.
Oh, and this time... we're not sleeping together. We're gonna do this baby right. (That's gonna be a hard thing to stick to, but my mindset is different now as well, and that helps.)
It's nice, nice to know they're thinking of me and concerned about me, but I just... don't know what to say.
"I'm fine"? Not entirely true, but true enough.
"Better than I thought I'd be." That one's more accurate, and that's what I told J today. Still kinda "meh", but I'm doing much better than I anticipated. Then again, I have no way of anticipating or predicting my responses in this situation, since I've never experienced anything like this before.
I wish I could feel more anger.
A situation came up this week that should have really ticked me off, but... it didn't. I showed all the correct outward signs of being upset, because I knew that I was upset, but there was no stir of passion within me. I feel almost dead inside.
I came to Y brimming with passion and ideas, but the longer I am here, the more drained and lethargic I feel, on pretty much every front.
I just got cut back to two days a week at the herb store, so maybe that will help.
And I'm starting counseling in about two weeks. I'm looking forward to that.
Maybe it's just this spiritual confusion that's got me... scared? I'm almost frightened to know what the response would be from those who perceive me as this wonderful, solid Christian.
(Why does this feel like when I quit Bible work, all over again?)
I keep going through these cycles of "breaking free" of the imposed mantle of uber-Christianity that somehow manages to fall upon me.
I make decisions out of fear of disappointing those I love... and I'm really tired of it.
I've run up against a decision that will, either way, hurt and/or disappoint someone.
So I've thought through it, studied through it, prayed about it, sought counsel from both perspectives, weighed the pros and cons, and made a decision for myself, on what I feel is the best thing to do. Quite frankly, it feels great!
I'm still fearful of revealing the decision, because I know I'll meet with disappointment, even opposition, but I've made my choice. In addition, some of the people that I love and respect the advice of the most actually do, after a time, view my decision favorably. (They didn't at first, but after I explained my position and thoughts, they realized that it is a good thing.)
Honestly, I've never really been one to be evasive, and I kind of have been of late... for fear of running up contrary to the ideas of those I love. But I can't live a double life like that. It's wearing on the mind and soul.
So, I'm just going to come out and say it- C and I are in a relationship, and we plan to be married sometime in the next year or two. And I'm very happy.
It kind of reminds me of my decision to come back to Y. There were several points in time, on in particular, that I thought about coming back here, but I knew that I couldn't-- because it would be running away. The timing wasn't right. Finally, when I felt I was ready, I willingly chose to come back, and it wasn't running away.
With C, so often I've wanted to go back to him, to be with him, and several times I have, but I knew I shouldn't-- because it was running away. The affirmation I received from him was like a drug that I self-medicated with. I've come to some realizations lately about myself and about him, and this time... I'm not running away to him. I'm choosing him, willingly, because (for one thing) we love each other.
There's WAY more to my thought process than that, but I don't have time to put it down on paper now. I need to be sleeping in just a few minutes.
Oh, and this time... we're not sleeping together. We're gonna do this baby right. (That's gonna be a hard thing to stick to, but my mindset is different now as well, and that helps.)
0 thoughts: