C took me to the county fair last night. It was real nice, except the part where he batted his eyelashes at me and in my smitten stupor I agreed to go on this crazy, death-defying ride that I didn't care for at all!
Well, okay... maybe it didn't happen like that... lol
I'm still dubious about his desire to take me to Six Flags. Very dubious.
While at the fair, I saw several of my friends from church, and, since C and I were linked by the hands, it's pretty clear that we're an item. I guess this is part of the "getting the church people used to the idea" stage.
Interestingly, Gramma and Grampa took C and I out for lunch on Friday to celebrate C's 26th bday, and they've been singing his praises since. They like him very much, and see him as a respectful, mature, upstanding young man who quite obviously loves me, treats me well, and treats them well. Grampa's praying his big ol' heart out for C, and I am, too.
Mom is also in favor of the match. I think R is a bit hesitant, just because he's thinking that this is a rebound from my time with D. Mom and I are both inclined to think differently. Oh, and E is pro-C, too, surprisingly, because she was one of the loudest voices against my marrying him last time. I believe she's come around to this point of view because she has seen my growth, she has heard me talk about him and his growth, and she sees it as a good match. She wants to have us over for dinner so she can get to know him for herself, and I'm totally cool with that.
I've never "gotten over" C totally, although I did manage to (mostly) keep him out of my mind during the 2 1/2 years we weren't communicating. Something I realized a while back is that, in my attempts to move on, to explain things from the past, and to keep myself from wanting to be with him... I demonized him, of a sort. I projected things that arose out of my own dysfunctions onto him and then cried, "Abuse! Abuse!" In reality, they were miscommunications, misunderstandings, and my own lack of boundaries and assertiveness. And this is not to say in any way that I'm messed up and he's normal and any conflicts or issues are my fault-- no, that would not be true. He has baggage, too... but different. And maybe not as much or as dramatic as mine.
I'm fully cognizant of the fact that I've made many, many mistakes with C. I've gone back for the wrong reasons, recklessly seeking freedom from the darkness that plagued me... and that was wrong. And what we did was wrong. I know that. I've asked God and C for forgiveness.... but it caused me many hours of tormented grief. Wanting to be with him, yet knowing that what we were doing was wrong... I couldn't live that way. So I "broke up" with him. I ended the fling. I felt so much better. No more afflicted conscience! Plus, my church friends approved of me again.
In that two weeks of being torn, many people shared 2 Corinthians 6:14 with me, which says, "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?" (I got that one way back in the summer of '06 from the canvassers-- it was part of the catalyst for my first breakup with C.)
And taking that one verse to apply to my situation seemed to sum up everything nice and tidy- I keep my standing within the church, people are relieved, I go back to life as I know it, and things move on.
And then... fertility struck. I suspected I was pregnant, and came to believe that I was. This, of course, led to conversations about how to raise the kid, which led to discussions about our underlying values and morals and codes of ethics, and I realized... Oh snap. a.) He's totally way more amazing than I remembered and I still love him hopelessly! b.) Our values, morals, and ethics are the same/incredibly compatible, with a few small variations. Our motivations are even eerily similar, which is odd, because he's an atheist, and I'm a Christian...
This, in turn, led to my examination of my thought processes and motivations. I mean, it's been 9 years, and we still love each other as much as we did at the beginning. Can I really dismiss that with a single Bible verse? Not to mention that my process of questioning was already underway, which meant that I was less looking for proof to back up my conclusion and more looking for a conclusion to come to.
I knew that verse in 2 Corinthians, alright, but a balancing verse had also been making its presence known in my life, and that is 1 Corinthians 7:13-14, which says, "And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy."
Then, as I believe that the Old Testament is just as valuable as the New, I wondered what the OT had to say about this kind of thing. In an article I was reading about unequally yoked marriages, it brought up a passage in Deuteronomy 22, which talks about different marriage and adultery situations, and what to do. I found it very interesting that, when a woman was betrothed, it was considered adultery to sleep with someone else, even though the ceremony hadn't happened yet. The one that really boggled my mind, though, was in verses 28-29, and that says, "If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he shall not put her away all his days."
I always knew that God designed sex to be within marriage, but now I was starting to get a glimpse of just how important it really is in God's eyes. (I realize this is talking about rape, so it's not a perfect analogy.)
Then, I went back to Genesis and read this: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
The implications of this stunned me, and especially so when I read 1 Corinthians 6:16- "Or do you not realize that when a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? The two, it is written, become one flesh."
It's not that sex just belongs within marriage... Sex defines marriage. No wonder God is so picky! When you have sex with someone, you are choosing them as your partner... for life. Just like divorce, you can leave that partner and move on to someone new, but you're breaking bonds that aren't meant to be broken, and damage will result. Inevitably. Neuroscience has even proven it to be so.
And so I came to the conclusion (probably gonna be an unpopular one, but hey, whatevs) that if you have sex with someone, you are basically married in the eyes of God. You are saying, "I choose this person to be bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh, and to be my partner for life. We are now one."
And then I realized... I've been "married" for 9 years... without realizing it. C and I got together when I was still an unbeliever, but I've since come around (sort of... do I count as a Christian when I have all these questions and wonderings? I don't know.) I believe that this puts me in the camp of the believing wife with an unbelieving husband.
So, with this little bit of dawning awareness under my belt, I thought and prayed about whether or not to get back together with C... with the intention of marriage. Like, the ceremony.
Honestly, I was afraid God would hate me if I did, because I've been so conditioned to believe that C is bad, and he represents all darkness in my life, and there's no way that I can have C and God, so I was choosing between them... but when I realized that I'm not choosing between God and C, it was such a relief! Interestingly, this here process of thought is part of what led to my epiphany about my perceiving God as being like G.
As I was hiking last week, I thought again about the "three lights as one", and I compared that to my life and my experience right now. I do believe that I'm okay, Scripturally, to go forward in this. What about my heart? Yes, there's peace there ever since I made the decision. (Granted, I do have some tremors of panic about actually settling down in one place... for. ever. But I realize that it's not so much an issue with C as it is just me on that one... I'm going to talk to my counselor about that.) And circumstance? You wouldn't believe the doors that I see cracking open from my decision to stay here in Yuma. It's... kind of unreal. And it makes me kind of giddy.
Another thing that I have had to deal with since making this decision is the fact that some people are going to be disappointed. And, quite frankly, that was almost enough to dissuade me from choosing C. But I realized... I cannot go making personal, life-altering decisions based on whether or not I think someone will be happy with my decision or not. As an SDA, we are barraged with the end-time scenario of remaining faithful to God, even though the whole world is against us and trying to convince us to go with their flow. If I continue to make decisions based on what I think others think I should do, I will in no way be prepared to stand up for myself and stick to my guns despite pressure. Whether I choose C or not is irrelevant-- it's whether or not I'm making this decision for myself or not. (And, quite frankly, I think I'm making a good choice.)
And you know what else? Those people can be disappointed. They have a right to that, and they can feel what they want or need to feel, and that's okay. I'm not going to stop them. But I'm not going to let it stop me, either.
So, tomorrow I'm stopping by the office of the Episcopalian priest who we're renting space for the support groups from. He came to speak to the women's groups twice, and I'm thoroughly impressed. Turns out his wife was abused before they were married, so I know he understands what it's like to live with that kind of damage as a factor in the relationship. E told me he does pre-marital counseling, and she says he's good. We'll see where it goes, but I think I'd like him to do that for C and I.
You know what's funny? Mom and R were married by an Episcopalian priest ;)
So C hasn't officially proposed yet, but the upcoming wedding is a definite reality for us.
I'm actually thinking as early as the end of August... I mean, I'll be taking off to school right away, but I'd be doing that regardless. And, while C and I have not had sex, we are having a hard time maintaining sexual purity. I know there are choices I can make that will make it easier, and I'm trying to consistently make those choices. I'm not where I'd like to be, but I really am better than I was, and constantly getting better. And C really feels the burden of being "the strong one", but he is warring against himself, and that's always hard.
So I'm thinking that August might be judicious, because, to sum it up in the words of Paul, "But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." (1 Corinthians 7:9)
I'm really proud of C, though, for trying so hard.
Well, okay... maybe it didn't happen like that... lol
I'm still dubious about his desire to take me to Six Flags. Very dubious.
While at the fair, I saw several of my friends from church, and, since C and I were linked by the hands, it's pretty clear that we're an item. I guess this is part of the "getting the church people used to the idea" stage.
Interestingly, Gramma and Grampa took C and I out for lunch on Friday to celebrate C's 26th bday, and they've been singing his praises since. They like him very much, and see him as a respectful, mature, upstanding young man who quite obviously loves me, treats me well, and treats them well. Grampa's praying his big ol' heart out for C, and I am, too.
Mom is also in favor of the match. I think R is a bit hesitant, just because he's thinking that this is a rebound from my time with D. Mom and I are both inclined to think differently. Oh, and E is pro-C, too, surprisingly, because she was one of the loudest voices against my marrying him last time. I believe she's come around to this point of view because she has seen my growth, she has heard me talk about him and his growth, and she sees it as a good match. She wants to have us over for dinner so she can get to know him for herself, and I'm totally cool with that.
I've never "gotten over" C totally, although I did manage to (mostly) keep him out of my mind during the 2 1/2 years we weren't communicating. Something I realized a while back is that, in my attempts to move on, to explain things from the past, and to keep myself from wanting to be with him... I demonized him, of a sort. I projected things that arose out of my own dysfunctions onto him and then cried, "Abuse! Abuse!" In reality, they were miscommunications, misunderstandings, and my own lack of boundaries and assertiveness. And this is not to say in any way that I'm messed up and he's normal and any conflicts or issues are my fault-- no, that would not be true. He has baggage, too... but different. And maybe not as much or as dramatic as mine.
I'm fully cognizant of the fact that I've made many, many mistakes with C. I've gone back for the wrong reasons, recklessly seeking freedom from the darkness that plagued me... and that was wrong. And what we did was wrong. I know that. I've asked God and C for forgiveness.... but it caused me many hours of tormented grief. Wanting to be with him, yet knowing that what we were doing was wrong... I couldn't live that way. So I "broke up" with him. I ended the fling. I felt so much better. No more afflicted conscience! Plus, my church friends approved of me again.
In that two weeks of being torn, many people shared 2 Corinthians 6:14 with me, which says, "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?" (I got that one way back in the summer of '06 from the canvassers-- it was part of the catalyst for my first breakup with C.)
And taking that one verse to apply to my situation seemed to sum up everything nice and tidy- I keep my standing within the church, people are relieved, I go back to life as I know it, and things move on.
And then... fertility struck. I suspected I was pregnant, and came to believe that I was. This, of course, led to conversations about how to raise the kid, which led to discussions about our underlying values and morals and codes of ethics, and I realized... Oh snap. a.) He's totally way more amazing than I remembered and I still love him hopelessly! b.) Our values, morals, and ethics are the same/incredibly compatible, with a few small variations. Our motivations are even eerily similar, which is odd, because he's an atheist, and I'm a Christian...
This, in turn, led to my examination of my thought processes and motivations. I mean, it's been 9 years, and we still love each other as much as we did at the beginning. Can I really dismiss that with a single Bible verse? Not to mention that my process of questioning was already underway, which meant that I was less looking for proof to back up my conclusion and more looking for a conclusion to come to.
I knew that verse in 2 Corinthians, alright, but a balancing verse had also been making its presence known in my life, and that is 1 Corinthians 7:13-14, which says, "And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy."
Then, as I believe that the Old Testament is just as valuable as the New, I wondered what the OT had to say about this kind of thing. In an article I was reading about unequally yoked marriages, it brought up a passage in Deuteronomy 22, which talks about different marriage and adultery situations, and what to do. I found it very interesting that, when a woman was betrothed, it was considered adultery to sleep with someone else, even though the ceremony hadn't happened yet. The one that really boggled my mind, though, was in verses 28-29, and that says, "If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he shall not put her away all his days."
I always knew that God designed sex to be within marriage, but now I was starting to get a glimpse of just how important it really is in God's eyes. (I realize this is talking about rape, so it's not a perfect analogy.)
Then, I went back to Genesis and read this: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
The implications of this stunned me, and especially so when I read 1 Corinthians 6:16- "Or do you not realize that when a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her? The two, it is written, become one flesh."
It's not that sex just belongs within marriage... Sex defines marriage. No wonder God is so picky! When you have sex with someone, you are choosing them as your partner... for life. Just like divorce, you can leave that partner and move on to someone new, but you're breaking bonds that aren't meant to be broken, and damage will result. Inevitably. Neuroscience has even proven it to be so.
And so I came to the conclusion (probably gonna be an unpopular one, but hey, whatevs) that if you have sex with someone, you are basically married in the eyes of God. You are saying, "I choose this person to be bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh, and to be my partner for life. We are now one."
And then I realized... I've been "married" for 9 years... without realizing it. C and I got together when I was still an unbeliever, but I've since come around (sort of... do I count as a Christian when I have all these questions and wonderings? I don't know.) I believe that this puts me in the camp of the believing wife with an unbelieving husband.
So, with this little bit of dawning awareness under my belt, I thought and prayed about whether or not to get back together with C... with the intention of marriage. Like, the ceremony.
Honestly, I was afraid God would hate me if I did, because I've been so conditioned to believe that C is bad, and he represents all darkness in my life, and there's no way that I can have C and God, so I was choosing between them... but when I realized that I'm not choosing between God and C, it was such a relief! Interestingly, this here process of thought is part of what led to my epiphany about my perceiving God as being like G.
As I was hiking last week, I thought again about the "three lights as one", and I compared that to my life and my experience right now. I do believe that I'm okay, Scripturally, to go forward in this. What about my heart? Yes, there's peace there ever since I made the decision. (Granted, I do have some tremors of panic about actually settling down in one place... for. ever. But I realize that it's not so much an issue with C as it is just me on that one... I'm going to talk to my counselor about that.) And circumstance? You wouldn't believe the doors that I see cracking open from my decision to stay here in Yuma. It's... kind of unreal. And it makes me kind of giddy.
Another thing that I have had to deal with since making this decision is the fact that some people are going to be disappointed. And, quite frankly, that was almost enough to dissuade me from choosing C. But I realized... I cannot go making personal, life-altering decisions based on whether or not I think someone will be happy with my decision or not. As an SDA, we are barraged with the end-time scenario of remaining faithful to God, even though the whole world is against us and trying to convince us to go with their flow. If I continue to make decisions based on what I think others think I should do, I will in no way be prepared to stand up for myself and stick to my guns despite pressure. Whether I choose C or not is irrelevant-- it's whether or not I'm making this decision for myself or not. (And, quite frankly, I think I'm making a good choice.)
And you know what else? Those people can be disappointed. They have a right to that, and they can feel what they want or need to feel, and that's okay. I'm not going to stop them. But I'm not going to let it stop me, either.
So, tomorrow I'm stopping by the office of the Episcopalian priest who we're renting space for the support groups from. He came to speak to the women's groups twice, and I'm thoroughly impressed. Turns out his wife was abused before they were married, so I know he understands what it's like to live with that kind of damage as a factor in the relationship. E told me he does pre-marital counseling, and she says he's good. We'll see where it goes, but I think I'd like him to do that for C and I.
You know what's funny? Mom and R were married by an Episcopalian priest ;)
So C hasn't officially proposed yet, but the upcoming wedding is a definite reality for us.
I'm actually thinking as early as the end of August... I mean, I'll be taking off to school right away, but I'd be doing that regardless. And, while C and I have not had sex, we are having a hard time maintaining sexual purity. I know there are choices I can make that will make it easier, and I'm trying to consistently make those choices. I'm not where I'd like to be, but I really am better than I was, and constantly getting better. And C really feels the burden of being "the strong one", but he is warring against himself, and that's always hard.
So I'm thinking that August might be judicious, because, to sum it up in the words of Paul, "But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." (1 Corinthians 7:9)
I'm really proud of C, though, for trying so hard.
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