So Loved

I have amazing friends. Is this... what God's love is like? Yes, I think so. Not at all like G. Not in any way. Hmm...

-----Original Message-----
From: J <"someoneamazing"@gmail.com>
To: C <"ebullire"@aol.com>
Sent: Mon, Apr 9, 2012 7:01 pm
Subject: Responses to a brussel sprout

Dear C,

So I just read your blog. Hadn't read it in ages. It's fascinating and incredibly honest. I'll try to be equally frank and honest as I respond.  Don't think my 'response' is an attempt at 'counsel' - it's really just what I said - a response.  Oddly, a lot you said really resonated with me (more on that later.)

Do I, as a 'church friend' approve of your decision? Well, does it matter?  I care about your ultimate happiness, so I'm afraid for you as you plan to marry someone you've referred to as 'an atheist.'  (I have my doubts - is he really an atheist? Or is he a hurt and confused agnostic?)  You still consider yourself a believer, apparently, despite all your questionings.  I consider you a believer.  As near as I can tell, you're trying to figure out what exactly you believe in - but you ARE a believer in God.  I'd hate to see that faith wither and die.  I believe that through these questionings you will come out the other side with a stronger faith and, perhaps as many questions, but a greater realization of how great God's grace and love is - He's not so concerned if we understand everything as if we trust Him to provide for all our needs.  I dunno.  Cliches, sure.  But you can understand where I'm coming from - I love you and want to see you happy - joined for life with a man who will care for you and encourage you in your pursuit of mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health.  I want the BEST for you.  But, you know, I don't know C.  I don't know all the situation.  I just know I'm scared for you.  And I'm praying for you.  A LOT.  So, do I approve? I think that's an irrelevant question, since I'm not on a different plane of authority from you - but will this affect my desire to be friends with you? That's a relevant question.   Answered with a resounding NO.

So, about your blog resonating with me...  I've felt many of the same things in regard to my relationship with J.  I certainly demonized him when we 'broke up.'  I felt I had to end things, to choose between him and God, as you said.  I created quite the false dichotomy to be sure.  So when I saw him again at W, it was so weird.  Because I'd set myself up to view him as the 'bad boy' that I broke up with to be faithful to God.... and here he was, sharing how God had been leading in his life, leading us in prayer, etc.   

Did I do the right thing by breaking things off when I did a year ago January?  Honestly, I still think so.  But I did wrong by causing myself to believe so much junk about him in order to self-justify my decision.  I didn't want to deal with the grief, so I overspiritualized it away.  So now, I'm dealing with this fear of the opinions of others.  I'm afraid of what people will think, particularly the few with whom I shared the reasons I ended things with him in the first place.  I'm SO glad that I was very careful in what I shared though!  I've always respected him enough to not talk bad about him to anyone, so that's a mercy.  But as I think of what BK will ask, what he will say, I'm a bit afraid.  So in some senses I agree with and totally relate to your decision to MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION.  You have to!  Regardless of how good your counselors are, ultimately you are the one who will deal with the result of your decision, for the rest of your life.  And so, yes, make your decision.  But think 15 years into your future.  50 years ahead.  Where do you want to be then, doing what, and who with?  I think of J's parents.  Someday I will ask how they met and decided to marry.  M is such an incredibly sweet and spiritual woman.  D is a good man, but he doesn't believe in God.  It's caused such division and pain, even though they are still married and still love each other.  For example, J and his mom love to talk about God and discuss spiritual things when they're together.  His dad doesn't 'mind' of course, but ends up feeling left out of their connection.  It hurts them all, but what can they do? Just not talk about God when he's around?  Include him in the conversation? He doesn't want that.  Even when J's not there, D and M don't connect with each other on that spiritual level that is so important.  And so they're both lonely.  J is determined never to end up like that.  I don't want you to end up like that, 43 years from now.. married to a man you love but with whom you cannot connect on a deep level.  I don't want to end up like that myself.  Goodness, there's so much heartbreak out there.

If you do marry C, would you invite me to your wedding? I'd like to be there.  Okay actually, no matter who you marry, and when, I WILL be there.  Unless you have me locked out. ;)   But I'd like to meet C sometime this Spring.  (Hoping to be on the Y blitz..... hoping!)

I figure I've rambled enough.  It probably doesn't make much sense.  Whatevs.. I'm tired.

Talk to you later.

Love,

J

Dear J,

First of all, I want to say that I feel so incredibly loved right now! Your concern, your care, your honesty... they just remind me again why I am SO grateful to have you as a friend. Even if our friendship was the only good thing to come out of my time at SOULS, it was worth it! (It isn't by the way, but I needed a dramatic statement there.)

Yes, you're right. I do still consider myself a believer. This is as close to being an unbeliever again as I've ever come, but I cannot doubt God's existence. (Thank God for books! ^_^) As far as C, he claims atheism, but I've seen softenings in him (and so have my grandparents) that make me wonder. Yes, he is definitely a hurt agnostic/atheist if ever there was one. He's agreed to read The Case for a Creator, and I have some hopes pinned on that. Oddly enough, he reminds me a LOT of R, my dad, which also gives me hope, because I've seen God slowly working on him in the past 8 years. Now, he gives ME spiritual advice and sets me straight about God's character! LOL.

"So, do I approve? I think that's an irrelevant question, since I'm not on a different plane of authority from you - but will this affect my desire to be friends with you? That's a relevant question.   Answered with a resounding NO." 

I'm so glad. It's just... hard for me to believe in that unconditional love. It's not you, it's me. ;)

"Did I do the right thing by breaking things off when I did a year ago January?  Honestly, I still think so.  But I did wrong by causing myself to believe so much junk about him in order to self-justify my decision.  I didn't want to deal with the grief, so I overspiritualized it away.  So now, I'm dealing with this fear of the opinions of others.  I'm afraid of what people will think, particularly the few with whom I shared the reasons I ended things with him in the first place." 

I understand. (Of course I do, because you were sharing how you understand my situation because of this! Ahh, circles.) One thing I've been slowly learning over the past... half a year or so?... is that I have the right to change my mind. I can say something, and that doesn't mean that it is the hard and fast determiner of my reality from that point on. I can change my mind, admit I was wrong, and start over. And that's okay. Other people can do that too.

And, yes, I believe that I did the right thing when I took off my engagement ring and headed to SOULS. I was doing the right thing. I needed to grow in a lot of ways, and so did C. He even told me that, could he look into the future and see the way things have turned out, he would choose the same path. (Interestingly, our years of separation showed me one very important thing- I can live without him. I can. I don't need him for fulfillment, and I don't need him to make me happy. I think that's one thing that wasn't right about our relationship before- I wasn't sure I could live without him. Now, I know that I can... I just pretty much don't want to anymore. lol)

I acknowledge what you're saying about the pain and division that comes from a "mixed marriage" (for lack of a better term), and I've heard it many times. Maybe I just have a different perspective, but to me, I don't see a difference in the pain I will encounter in this path versus the pain I see from people who have married the spiritual person, the "right choice", and found total emotional abandonment, or blatant hypocrisy, or (like in my Mom's experience), someone who abuses and molests their children. (Or find themselves trapped in the "missionary box" their whole lives- having to pretend to be the good Christian at church AND at home.) Julie, pain is ceasing to be a deterrent for me. I've been through so much of it, and I fully expect more to come. And, whichever road I peer down, I see the same magnitude of pain waiting for me. My mom married an unbeliever, and it's definitely been hard at times- possibly even agonizing- but I would take their marriage a thousand times over 75% of the married couples I see in church every week. (The other 24% I don't know well enough to say, and then there's 1% that I actually admire.)

I need to get to bed- working at the herb store tomorrow, but I do want to address one final thing you brought up...

INVITE you to my wedding? Girl, you're gonna be IN my wedding! Feel like taking a trip back to Idaho? :) (C wants more of a traditional wedding, so I imagine I'll be doing the bridesmaid thing. But... I'll be wearing tie dye shoes! Bwahahahaha! lol)

Yes, I would definitely like you to meet C. I super much hope you get on the Y blitz! I mean, you work in the office... can't you just bust out the white-out or something? ;)

Oh, and I'm sorry for not telling you myself. I wanted to wait until after he actually proposed to start telling people. It's a little awkward when you don't have a ring to prove it lol. (Or an actual event, for that matter!) Mom knows and Gramma and Grampa know, but that's it. Oh, and E, sort of. She doesn't know it's actually on- I've just been kind of joking about it up until this point.

Thank you for writing. Really.

Love,

C