So guess what, folks? The Princess (that's me!) went on vacation. An honest to goodness, get away from it all vacation. I really, really did! It would in no way have been possible without my amazing sister in law, who I did not know cared for me as deeply as she does, but she spoiled me in almost every fashion imaginable.

First off, she had started saving for this weeks and weeks ago, and while I was there I paid my own way on things twice. Twice. In an entire week of going places and seeing things and doing stuff and buying food! Second, she was very careful to keep my physical labor to a minimum, to make sure that I rested as much as possible, and that I was able to access the places we visited. She carried all of my luggage and would only let me carry pillows and the like, even loading and unloading my walker every time we got in or out of the car! I must admit, it was pretty fantastic to have a sherpa, as I jokingly called her throughout our time together.

It was a bit of a whirlwind trip, but it was so incredibly nice to have no responsibilities, to not have to pay for anything, to have fun things to look forward to every day yet not have any kind of a rigid schedule so that our whims and my health could lead the way as to our activities, and to just kind of… well, I have this mental image of, like, my normal life and home and such with this blank white cutout space in my shape throughout the entire week where I would normally be during that time, and the cutout of me was pasted into this whole other life and reality for a week. Does that even make sense? It was so different from how my life usually proceeds that it felt like almost an entirely different reality, which is what vacation is supposed to be, right?

It felt restorative, rejuvenating, and soothing. I was the closest that I've been to my pre-Spoonie self than I've been in years. Granted, it took a lot of assistance to get that, but that doesn't diminish the experience at all. It's a series of memories that I will cherish for a long time to come, I can guarantee that.

Our week went something like this…

Sunday: Colleen (sister in law) arrives and we more or less intend to leave that day, but don't because I'm feeling poorly and it takes me forever to pack, and also what's the rush? We make a list and Colleen packs for me, which is awesome.

Monday: We leave in the morning after stopping by the local muffin store (Yum-azing!), I sleep all the way to Tucson. We go grocery shopping, Colleen cooks supper, take a walk around University, get locked out of house upon return and Colleen ends up breaking in through a window that was unlocked.

Tuesday: Visit an art store for shopping, go clothes shopping for me at a thrift store nearby, have dinner with Colleen's best friends and I have my first margarita. The night is capped with my first hookah smoke and we talk late into the night.

Wednesday: Walk the main drag near the University and visit the tea house we've had our eye on, go to dinner at a fancy place and run low on time, get trapped in the parking garage because of a faulty ticket and barely make the play we've been looking forward to seeing (and pre-purchased tickets for). End the night by returning to the main drag and hanging out at a coffee shop smoking hookah and eating Mediterranean pastries until the shop closes late.

Thursday: Drive to town an hour or so away to spend a few days with my friend Rose. She was interning with the Victim Rights department during the trial that put my molester in prison, and so she was sort of a victim advocate for me and we've kept in touch and maintained a friendship since. Get settled, I get a haircut and Rose takes me on a mini tour of the Army Fort and beautiful surrounding scenery. I fall asleep in the car and nap upon our return, wake to find company over for dinner, and we all hang out until dispersing for bed some time after company leaves.

Friday: Take a 2 mile walk with Rose (yeah, that's right! I'm fuckin' proud of myself!!!), nap briefly before we all pile in and drive to Bisbee to check out the stores and sights. Colleen buys her first "real" piece of art and is now an official adult, and I find some amazing souvenirs and a smaller cast iron skillet of a size we don't already own that I take home for Corey. (He likes it a lot, and used it for the first time tonight to make a sort of omelette.) After coming home, Rose's "Gathering Of The Awesome" party starts a while later, consisting of awesome women that she knows and invited to an evening of yummy light food, good drinks, good conversation and company, and a fun art activity that was also insightful and connecting.

Saturday: Leave Rose's and head back to Colleen's house, go grocery shopping for afternoon picnic planned. I nap for a few hours, then she, I, and one of her best friends that we went to dinner with go up Mount Lemmon and have a picnic, sort of start a fire to keep ourselves warm, and watch the sunset on the drive back down the mountain.

Sunday: We both sleep in, and eventually she packs up the car and takes me back to Yuma but leaves shortly after because of work the next day.

I was feeling pretty good throughout the week, at least as far as "good" for me goes, but as the week went on I could feel myself wearing out. By Friday night I was running a mildly low grade fever and felt pretty gross. Saturday night I declined a proposed meet up with a friend of Colleen's in favor of staying in bed because I felt shitty, and Monday, the day after I got back, I pretty much did nothing but sleep in hour-to-several-hour increments for about 24 hours. I'm still recovering, but part of it is that I don't have that medication that helps so much with the stiffness and pain in my joints anymore, so I just feel more arthritic and whatever than usual anyway. Also, period should be coming soon, and I'm always exhausted the week before my period and sleep more than usual, so I'm not surprised there, either.

I cheated a lot with allergens on vacation, so I'm returning to being a "good girl"… but oh man, I had some of the best food in a long time. Have you ever had fresh sopapillas? Then you are missing out on the culinary equivalent of salvation for your soul, I swear to you. They are so. good. I've also been on a huge muffin craving kick since we hit that muffin place on the way out of town. I had forgotten what I was missing, but now I am constantly reminded of my suffering due to lack. Alas, alack, woe is me, woe betide, and all that sorrowful jazz…

It was a good trip. It was a very good trip. I don't expect to have an experience like that again anytime soon, but I will surely treasure it. I feel different somehow from having  had the experience, but I'll think on that more later. I am so indebted to my ladies, Rose and Colleen. My gratitude knows no bounds. I know that they really went above and beyond for me… and yet for them, I'm sure it seems somewhat of a simple matter. It's funny how perspective works. From my perspective, it was a chance to live life again, to have fun and forget the frustrations and complexities of trying to juggle doctor's appointments and bills and finding rides and medication snafus and all that… to simply be a young woman again and enjoy things… to just have fun, pure and simple! From their perspective, it was doing things that maybe they don't get to do every day but have been wanting to, but it wasn't particularly mind-altering I don't think. It was pretty much business as normal, but on vacation time.

Regardless of who felt what, there is one thing that we should all be feeling right now, and that's pride. Pride in me, of course. Why? Because it's only been 3 days since I got home, and I'm fully unpacked! Yeah, baby! (This is fairly unheard of, just for context.) Now that I'm home, back to responsibilities, I feel a little better equipped to handle them now that I'm not so frazzled and frayed because I had a pleasant break. On the other hand, it makes me not want to deal with real life at all anymore and just continually live the vacation life on someone else's dime… Heh. If only, right?

What a trip that was; what a trip, indeed! Yes, I feel good about how it went. I feel good about the fact that I was there, and I feel good about what I "accomplished" in terms of being there for my sister and my family. It seems that they kinda like having me around or something. Heh. My brother said, "If Cassie doesn't come home for Christmas, then the holiday spirit is just gone!" Awww :) I'm his Ghost of Christmas Present! Or Past... whichever one is more fun and amazing. Just so long as I'm not the Ghost of Christmas Future. That guy is pretty grim.

Apparently J ended back up in the Nut Hut (mental health unit of the hospital) shortly after I left for suicidal impulses again. If I were going to look at that as any sort of indicator on how well I "did my job", I still wouldn't really know, because either I did so well at supporting her that she didn't need to go to the hospital while I was there or I was bad enough at it that she felt the need to seek professional help. I prefer to think it's the former, though neither one is necessarily even applicable. It is what it is. I did talk to both her and C while I was there, though, and there's a 90% certainty that she will be moving in with C and I for a while after she graduates. It'll be good for her to have the stability of our home, I will have someone around to help me with the house and basic life tasks, she can go through the HJ program, and she can see what a good, healthy marriage looks like. That's something she's not going to get pretty much anywhere else in the family or her friend group, sad to say.

Speaking of the HJ, I found out yesterday that we have had office space donated to us!!! That means that we'll have actual headquarters! No more of this "working out of a spare bedroom" stuff anymore. And it's a LOT closer to home for me, so it will be easier to get to, not to mention that I can come and go as I please. I can work at the office when I feel well and not have to fuss with coordinating rides and days and stuff with E any longer. Such a relief. And this will greatly facilitate my goal of getting the HJ (and E especially) more organized.

Since my health has taken (yet another) hit and I'm not doing so well, I was afraid that I'd have to really back off in my involvement with the HJ... and as a consequence, earn less money. I'm not in it for the money at all, except for the little bit of me that is in it for the money... because, let's be honest, bills have got to be paid. So this new development is a relief, frankly. I think it will make the job more sustainable for me until I can get well enough to work like a normal person again.

As I'm sitting here, typing away, I'm looking around at the walls of my living room and at all of the pictures and things we have hanging up. They all make me smile for one reason or another because every single thing has a backstory and a memory attached to it. There is nothing in our home that is for useless show, really, and I like that. Just a random thought.

Another thing that makes me smile: shiny stuff! Since I've gained weight and since my symptoms have increased in severity, I find myself unable to wear my wedding ring most of the time because it cuts into my finger now and is uncomfortable. My swollen fingers make a larger sized ring necessary. (That just goes to show the difference... a year ago, when I was engaged, I had a hard time with the ring almost falling off my finger because it was so loose on me!) While I was visiting the fam I bought myself a very dainty and thin silver band to wear with/instead of my wedding ring. When I showed it to C upon returning he said that we just needed to get me another ring in a larger size to wear on the days when my hands are swollen. I took to that idea immediately because, hello, shiny stuff, so I spent the last couple of days compiling rings that I like and presented them to C last night for his selection. I wanted him to have the final choice, that way it is something that came from him, you know? But my compiling the list guaranteed that I would like any of the ones he chose. Well, we pored over Etsy last night and he went ahead and purchased one. Behold, my alternate wedding ring!

There were many beautiful choices, but we both agreed that this one represents my personality and style best.

Oh, and I also (finally) got a dresser for my clothes! That's a good thing, as the big blue suitcase I was keeping my clothes in on the closet floor bit the dust when I used it for the trip home. So now I have three whole drawers to keep my things in. I haven't put anything in it today, but that's on the agenda for today. I'm ecstatic! (You know your life is bit dull when something as mundane as a dresser is cause for merriment and joy.)

So that's life for now. Just enjoying being back home in my own routine with C again. I didn't miss him, really, until I saw him again... and by that I didn't realize that I missed him until I had him again. I kept myself pretty occupied while back east. Not to be all mushy and stuff, but I really do love that man. Just standing around the kitchen with him and waiting for water to boil is a satisfying and enjoyable event. I'm so glad I married him. He's good people, and he's at his best with me. Love him.

The kitties know something's up. Coraline is more of a shadow than usual, and Juneaux is alternating between feisty, needy, and shadowing me.

I gave C one of his christmas presents early... as in, tonight. It came in the mail today and I just. could. not. wait. I think my getting him stuff is more for me than for him! lol I love to give gifts, what can I say? A friend of mine from the massage program came over today to give me a full body massage, free of charge. She not only needs the practice, she is concerned about my health and pain levels and wants to help. I had a present for her, as well, which she opened. It was a hot and cold stone massage kit, which was perfect because she had been borrowing the instructors stones and now she has some of her own! It even has an ambient music cd with it. She was thrilled, and I was ecstatic at how well it fit her wants and needs. :) I LOVE making people happy!

There is drama on the home front... Not mine, but the far-flung home front that I will be traveling to. I'm half wary of going, half super excited about seeing the folks and being the emotional support that I know they need. I just feel super ill-equipped for this. Can I really make a difference? We shall see...

I'm done packing except for toiletries, which I will put away after I take a shower. (Apparently my mom's new house doesn't have a shower yet! Or a fridge. I'm a little concerned about creature comforts... but she has a couch, a bed, and the house is well heated. And allegedly the stove was going in today. Heh. I do love adventures!) So, off to the shower with me! Perhaps it will help to alleviate some of this accursed pain! (I so way overdid it yesterday. But it was worth it, I think. But oh man... ouch!!!)

C has had the past two days off, which has been nice. He's been working so much overtime lately, and I've been so drugged off and on, it seems like we've hardly gotten to see one another. Of course, we have our routine that works quite well, but getting to spend two whole days together was a real treat. On Friday, we ran errands. C's paycheck had finally hit the bank, so we paid off some of the bill from when his truck broke down, and then we bought groceries. It was a good thing he got paid when he did, because both of us were down to almost nothing in food, despite getting creative.

We took my car, since his truck didn't have gas yet and mine did. My car, Shenandoah, is also the only vehicle with a cd player or radio, but a song came on the radio that I HATE, so C suggested I put in a cd. I put in Queen's greatest hits, and as we drove along C was singing along with it, so I joined him. I swear, it was just like a movie or something. A young couple in love and having fun, driving along in the bright sunshine, singing with the radio to their favorite songs, enjoying one another and the day... it was truly, truly fun. It fed the part of my soul that thrives on spontaneity and joy.

Funny story that highlights my fibro fog... I took my walker with me into the store, as I've been in extreme pain of late. (But since I got back on the gabapentin, every day it's a little less, which is something to be truly grateful for.) C let me take over pushing the cart somewhere in the store, and it wasn't until the end-ish of our excursion that I felt overwhelmed by pain and fatigue and wanted to sit down on my walker... only to realize that I'd left it somewhere. I left my walker somewhere in the store. Hah! I found it easily enough, but I'm glad that I realized I'd left it before we checked out and went home. :) It was sitting forlornly near the root vegetables. Poor Bling Chariot.

After getting home, we watched some of the sci-fi show that we've begun watching through together. It's called Farscape, and it's from the late 90's, early 2000's. Despite being about 13 years old, it's really good and it makes me think a lot. It's also really funny. I'm really enjoying watching through this one with C, even more than the last anime we went through together. This is kind of a hobby that bonds the two of us; a couple's activity. C will choose a show he thinks I'll like, one that I haven't seen before, and we'll watch the whole thing together. The only time we haven't finished one is when we were going through Bleach, and that's because I got bored because it seemed repetitive to me.

After a while, the guys came over for DnD, and I hung out and read/played on the computer until I was ready for bed.

The next day, Saturday, was a truly lazy day that I enjoyed. I've been waking up early, like 6'ish, and moving to the couch to play on the internet/read/do stuff until C wakes up and goes to work. After that, I'll accomplish larger housework tasks, because I'm not afraid of waking him up. At any rate, C came out and joined me on the couch... sorta. We engaged in marital privileges a bit vigorously, but I didn't realize how few spoons I had, so I ended up using all of them on that one activity. C put in Farscape, and we proceeded to watch a good portion of the first season. I'm talking hours worth of the show, here. We paused it for regular bathroom and food breaks, and somewhere in the mid-afternoon we got dressed and went to the store in search of sea salt. They were out, but we walked over to the pet store and considered fish for C's tank and looked at the other animals. Upon arriving home, we ended up napping on the couch for several hours. C hadn't slept the night before and the heat really drained me, so we slept a long time. When I woke up I read for a while, and C was playing an online MMO with some of our friends who were online at the time, but then he came back out and we watched more Farscape until I was sleepy, which was about 1 am. We only have 6 episodes left in the first season, and we watched the bulk of the others yesterday.

It was a nice, easy, lazy day, and I really enjoyed spending the time with C. Some people think that watching a show together doesn't count as spending time together, because you're focused on something else, but the show actually stimulated some very interesting philosophical and anthropological discussions while we were watching. Also, we cuddled a lot, despite my being quite twitchy.

There is one thing that I must mention, and it is this: when we left to go grocery shopping on Friday, there was a package waiting in front of the door. I hadn't ordered anything, but my name was on it, so I opened it. It wasn't a bomb, but instead it was an entire case of Cassandra-safe cookies!!! Some mysterious benefactor ordered an entire case of the one store-bought cookie that I can eat, and had it sent to my house. I flipped out in a big way (in a good way), as I love surprises, and this is like... the ultimate surprise. Also, I was raised by my mother, whose primary love language is gifts, so to receive such a thoughtful gift, and as a surprise no less, reaches into my heart and tweaks every "feels" wire that I've got. I was jumping up and down and shouting and really just haywire with excitement, and I'm still so happy about it. It's not about the cookies, though they're delicious (and I'm having a hard time exercising self control!), but it's about the thoughtfulness and intention behind the cookies. An entire case. Man. Can you believe it? I'm stoked. And no, the mysterious benefactor has not revealed themselves as of yet. C and I both kind of thought it was M, but it wasn't. It is something like he would do, but I must look elsewhere for my secret gift giver.

Anyway, back to the regular week and C's regular routine. He has more overtime coming up, so we'll only get one day together as a day off, but that's okay. He's working so hard to keep us afloat, and I make sure to let him know how much I appreciate that, and him. He seems to like that :)

So how was the trip to the beach? It was great! I'm quite glad that I went.

The trip up was uneventful, without even a stop by the Border Patrol checkpoints. I guess three white people in a beat up truck don't arouse much suspicion. In any event, we made our reserved motel in good time, having to give them 1/2 an hour to get it ready before we could actually occupy it.

I was the one put in charge of finding the motel because I had that terrible experience with the aptly nicknamed "Roach Hotel" during the trip C and I took to the Ren Fair just before the wedding. Their reasoning was that, having had such a bad experience, I would be more likely to do research and make sure that I wouldn't have that kind of an experience again. Well, they were right! We stayed at a Quality Inn just off of one of the major interstates, and even the outside looked presentable. When we got up to the room, we were astounded at the level of luxury that less than a hundred dollars had gotten us. The beds were so comfortable, and so were the pillows! We ended up lazing around on the beds for a couple of hours after bringing up our things, but we finally roused ourselves enough to put on bathing suits and gather our beach supplies.

Although we started late, and many shops were closed (it took FOREVER to find parking!), we walked up and down one of the streets by the beach that is brimming with quaint little shops and tourist traps. M had allotted each of us a "budget" for souvenirs, and he proceeded to spend money on all of us, himself included. As I said, I'm shallow and I love free stuff, soooo... I was all over that. (Lest you think I'm a gold-digger, I assure you that the good ol' guilt factor was still well in place, and I was hesitant to accept his gifts, but it was clear that he wanted to, so... I let him.) One thing that was purchased for me was a dress that I tried on in a whim in one of the cute clothing stores. We were ooh-ing and ahh-ing over some fancy party dresses, and there was a particularly stunning lacy number with a keyhole back that I just had to try on, just to see what it looked like. As I was pulling it from the rack, M wandered over with a strappy black maxi dress and I took that in with me, too. I tried on the black one first and walked out to stares and intakes of breath. Though it was expensive, I thought about it that night and went back for it the next day, changing into it then and there and wearing it the entire rest of the day and the trip home. It's very comfortable! Though it is a maxi dress with lots of material, the top is quite strappy and a bit daring, showing some cleavage and having no back to speak of. Needless to say, C likes it. On our way home from dropping M off, he asked me, "So... is this going to be your new 'sexy black dress'?" I just laughed. (Wearing something "sexy" like that in public is a big step for me... I'm not used to owning my attractiveness like that. It used to terrify me, and it's still scary, but it's something that I want to do for myself. This was a good step in that direction.)

After shopping for several hours and stopping to eat, we wandered down to the beach. I separated from the others after a few minutes, because I knew that I was there to grieve D. That was the big reason that I went on the trip to the beach, and I'm glad that I did, because it was cathartic and peaceful at the same time. I had my time, I reflected, I cried, and I accepted just a little bit more. Then I went back up to my towel and did some deep breathing while watching the waves. I can still see the dusky sky and the rolling, crashing water when I close my eyes. I hope I carry those moments with me for a long time.

We had thought about dressing up fancy and going out to some sushi place or something, but by the time we piled into the truck for the ride back to the motel I was too exhausted. I didn't want to be a damper on anyone else's plans, but it turned out that the others were tired too, and content to just hang out in the room, which we did. I fell asleep really quickly, which was a blessing. I was worried that I'd have more of those sleep problems I've been having lately. I did wake up at 5, wide awake, but managed to fall asleep again around six until M's alarm went off at 8:30.

After breakfast and getting our things all together, we checked out and hit up the shops again to visit an antique store we saw the day before that had been closed. We really wanted to go in, and I think we were all glad that we did, as all of us walked away with some treasure. The prices were really good! I bought a silver and opal necklace that reminds me of the ocean. I wasn't going to get anything, but we ended up going back because M forgot his hat in the store, and when we walked back in I knew that it was my last chance and I took it.

We walked the pier and had lunch in a little restaurant at the end, above the water. It was neat to look out the wind and see the waves rolling by beneath you. I hadn't realized we would be in the sun that much, and I didn't even think about it being midday sun, so I didn't wear sunscreen the second day and got a little crisped on the shoulders. After eating lunch, we walked back to the truck and headed home, making record time. Unfortunately, M's truck broke (brakes failed) just as she pulled off of a major street toward my house, but it was close enough that she was able to use the emergency brake to get us to my house. The two M's ended up hanging out for a few more hours than they thought they would, but it was all good. Even when I'm tired and have a headache and am annoyed with the world, those two fall into the least annoying category, much as C does.

Again, I'm glad I went, and I'm looking forward to the next beach trip. Fibro didn't even play much of a part on the trip, as I was afraid it would. I almost felt like a normal person walking the beach! You know, except for the walker and frequent need to eat/take meds...

Woohoo! Today my stunningly handsome husband is taking me out on a date! Why? Well, because I need it, and also because I got a new super-cute and sexy dress, so I need an excuse to wear it, of course. :) (Can I just insert a shameless plug for my local Goodwill here?)

See? Bad picture, cute dress. Sexy in a "50's pin-up" kind of way. Funny thing-- I would have NEVER considered wearing something like this, even a year ago. I was much more, shall we say, modest? And now I feel perfectly modest in this dress, although I know others would disagree. But all my lady-bits are covered, it's not some sort of diaphanous material (quite sturdily made, actually!), and most importantly? My husband likes it.

So, on a date we go! I'm going to get my hair did and put on the face paint and everything. All out. (Well, as "all out" as I go, anyway. He likes his lady looking natural, which is a win for me!)

I'm glad to have something to look forward to. I did not sleep well at all last night, and today's a pretty high pain day for me. (Hello, milestones-- my "high pain days" now are what my high-average days were like just a month or two ago!) I know I'll feel better after a shower, and I've got acupuncture + massage this afternoon. It'll be good. I'm just going to take it easy today.

Also? I still trip out sometimes about how awesome it is to actually be able to casually drop the word "husband" into conversation. I freaking love it.

Also also? I made banana-bread muffins last night while tutoring my friend C, and they're all gone this morning. All gone. I gave friend C several to take with her, because she LOVED them, hubby C ate two, and I had a couple for supper. (The recipe didn't quite make a dozen, sadly.) What's amazing is that C liked them, because I'm honestly not the best baker in the world when it comes to allergy-friendly baking (it's really hard, y'all!), and I don't think I've baked a thing yet that he's liked... until now. I did leave them in a bit long, because I wasn't sure what the inner consistency was supposed to be like, but now I have a good recipe to play with and a baseline from which to experiment. I'm very happy about that.

In addition to that, I made a necklace for my yoga teacher/massage therapist, because she's moving away and I've come to really respect her as a mentor and guide, but also to appreciate her as a friend. She was really enthusiastic about and interested in my proposed online store business plan, so I thought it'd be fitting for her to be the first to receive something that I've crafted in that vein. I etched the Ohm symbol into the front of a purple shell pendant, and etched "Namaste" into the side. It's also fitting that it's purple, because we had a discussion yesterday about today being Lupus Awareness Day, and Sunday being Fibromyalgia Awareness day, both of which are represented by the color purple.

She'll be speaking to one of our support groups next week, so I'll give it to her then. I'll be sad that she's moving, but thank goodness for Facebook, eh?

Update: Date was fun. A couple of pictures for proof. 

Had my endoscopy today. It went well, though it did screw me up some.

Didn't destroy me (yet) like the colonoscopy, but the longer the day wears on, the worse I feel.

My theory is that, while they have you knocked out, they actually hit you with a bus. Feels plausible. :)

In other (good) news, the ladies of the HJ are throwing me a bridal shower in two weeks!

Also, J sent me a package that contained my birthday/wedding gift, and it arrived today. Know what it was?

*drumroll please*

A camera! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Not only have I missed having a camera very much, but I was feeling the lack as I looked forward to my honeymoon. How was I going to capture our joy and fun and share it with others? Well, now I can!

Also, on a practical note, I needed a camera for the Etsy venture I have planned. Sweet.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I have amazing people in my life that take such, such good care of me, I am sometimes overwhelmed with gratitude. Even on my darkest, pain-filled days, I always know that I am incredibly loved and cared for. (It's on the shaky days when my self-confidence and self-worth are somewhere below the earth's crust that I doubt this, simply because I wonder why people would care about me and what I could possibly contribute to their lives that would cause this?)

Also, my spoon earrings came today! I will take a picture (now that I have a camera, hehe) and proudly show off my spoony ears.

Oh, and one more amazing thing? I made my birthday wishes known, so tomorrow S and one of our friends M are going to deep clean the apartment, because I no longer can. That is... awesome. And M gave me twenty bucks, because he totally didn't know what to get me and knew that I know myself well enough to buy what I want. Too funny! So I think I'm going to buy another pair of comfy yoga pants, a cute dress (both from Goodwill, although there is a really cute lace dress I keep seeing at Walmart...), and maybe another pair of dangly earrings. They're seriously my new addiction. Or maybe a new cd of music for myself... I've been meaning to clean out my car's cd case. Oooh! I can invest in a new tower of burnable cd's! I somehow lost my stack of blank cd's, and I've been super bummed about that. Yeah... yoga pants, a cute dress or top, mb some dangly earrings, and blank cd's. Happy birthday, me!

(It's funny how, when the people around you don't make a big deal about your birthday, it really isn't a big deal anymore. Living with the S's, birthdays were an event, a cause for celebration! Now that I'm on my own, it's less of an event... just kind of like a passing slightly-better-and-more-important-than-normal day... which is okay. That's where I'm at right now. That may change in the future, but it's okay for now. I'm looking forward to making my child's birthday a cause for celebration, though. Anything, really, to break out the good glasses and celebrate! ^_^)

Ah! Almost forgot! We have our house inspection on Friday. I'm holding my breath... (And then we'll go out to lunch for my bday with our friends who are now moving super soon at one of my favorite sushi places. You know I'm gonna get all dolled up! I love an excuse to dress up. Maybe I'll wear my new cute dress?)

I'm excited-- I was able to purchase a large heating pad off of Amazon tonight that has the option of also being a moist heat pad! It was fairly inexpensive, with many good reviews, so I went for it. No more of this hot water bottle that I have to get up and reheat every twenty minutes and shift around to different achy spots. Now I can use the heating pad and the water bottle, if I so please. Also, it's a "king size", which means that it will cover most of my back with ease, not to mention that it has variable heat options. *sigh* I'm just so happy!

The best part is that I have some extra money stashed away to be able to treat myself in this way :) I realized that I have like, 60 bucks in my bank account that has no purpose assigned to it-- just "savings". (That has not happened in a very, very long time!) I have the temptation to spend it, simply because I'm not used to having money to spend ^_^ I won't give in to it, though. I'm more practical than that. I'm going to scoot on down to Jiffy Lube and get myself an oil change and inspection. My car is very valuable to me, and I confess that I haven't been very attentive to it... It's so sturdy, it just kinda keeps going no matter what, and I don't want to take that for granted.

And this week, I'll be able to sock away a few more dollars from my allowance, which is nice.

Health-wise, it's been a bit rocky. I didn't have to use my walker today while I was out and about, but I was battling "fibro fever". I have begun experiencing this phenomenon recently, but it wasn't until I saw someone else refer to it on a fb fibro support page that I realized it is something other fibro-fighters experience. Basically, it's like I'm feverish... but with no fever. I feel achy, my skin is sensitive, and I have intense chills. Not only do I get the chills, but it's like I'm constantly hot and cold at the same time. I put on a blanket because I have goosebumps, yet at the same time I'm sweltering. Weird. I had it bad during the period when I was unable to get my painkillers, and I had it today. Fortunately, the meds kept the worst of it at bay, though they did not touch the brain fog or the incredible fatigue.

My guts are still bleeding. Bummer. And I had to resort to cleaning out my colon again a couple of times. But, on the bright side, I've got my upper endoscopy scheduled for a week and some change hence! (Bright side, you say? What's so bright about that? lol)

I'm still learning to be kind to myself and not "push" as hard.

I had been making progress on the pain meds, being able to go up to 6 hours between pills on some days, which was very exciting for me! Yesterday and today, however, the time period got cut in half, roughly... and it was hard for me to accept that. My pride wanted to wait the extra three hours, though my body was telling me that I had better take that pill if I wanted to be able to walk or sleep.

And it's still hard for me to look at days like today, which was a mostly "resting" day (to me), and see it as time legitimately spent.

I feel lazy, y'all. I feel impaired.

I know it's not so, but when I can't do things, or when I have to so significantly alter the amount of things that I can do in one day, well... it just messes with my head.

I hate having to explain myself to people. I think I'm just gonna stop.

I hate feeling like maybe I'm not doing my best after all... like all this is just because I'm not trying hard enough...

...like maybe there really is something wrong with me because I'm "so young, and shouldn't have to be on all those meds" and "shouldn't need a walker" and shouldn't this and shouldn't that.

You know what?

Fuck that noise.

Shouldn'ts are just as bad as shoulds.

I think the Should Monster just put on another mask to get to me. Because, really? Shouldn't just leads right to should. If you shouldn't do one thing, then obviously you should do another.

So if I shouldn't need a walker, then I should be walking without assistance.

If I shouldn't need to take all those meds, then I should be able to get along without them. I should be able to make it work.

I should be healthy.

That's what it all boils down to. This message that somehow I am not what I "should" somehow inherently be.

And they're right, in a sense. I don't like living in a world where toddlers die of terminal diseases. It shouldn't happen. It's not right. It's not fair.

But the fact that they are sick at such a young age reflects not a whit on their value as a human being, or their ability to live life to its fullest, or what have you. It doesn't mean anything other than that they were unlucky, and they have a harsh battle to fight.

So I'm unlucky. Deal with it. But it's not my damn fault that I'm sick, and it's not my fault that it happened while I'm young.

Would it be better if I waited until I was 80 to get sick? Would you prefer that my body is worn out before I try to fight this battle? Does that somehow make it "fair"? Does that make it better?

Who says old people "should" have walkers and "should" be on all kinds of meds either?

Being sick sucks, no matter your age.

By the way, you know what else really grated on me this weekend? I realized that one of the reasons I was so annoyed about the attention my walker got was that not a single person out of that whole huge crowd said a word about how awesomely I had decorated it. Its presence was practically offensive, even though it is beautiful. I mean, it's like a mobile piece of art, but did anyone notice? No. It was just "Oh, you have a walker. What's wrong with you?"

I would have like to have heard, "Oh, you have a walker. Wow, you really made it look cool!" Or something to that effect. I've gotten several compliments on the Bling Chariot, and fun conversations when I'm in medical settings. Maybe it's cause they're used to seeing people with problems, and the average person isn't. But, still... acknowledge my effort, people!

I'm trying to make the best of this in all aspects, and I feel like I'm just getting cut down left and right by people outside of my support system. Why is that?

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just hypersensitive or something.

Maybe it's 'cause it's late and I need to be sleeping.

Yeah, that's probably it. (But I've been thinking about that last walker bit since yesterday, so I know that's legit! lol)

A lot has happened just in the past few days!

I was doing some research on fibro a few days ago, and learned quite a bit. This site has been a huge help in understanding my situation in layman's terms, and kinda coming to grips with the fact that, hey, I'm not the only one who goes through this! I mean, I knew that before, but it was more of an intellectual assent, rather than a realization that my struggles are shared by others. Granted, each one of us struggles uniquely, buuuuuut... I'm not as alone as I sometimes feel. (It seems that whenever I hear of others who have fibro, or meet them--which is a bit rarer-- it's either discouraging because they're totally disabled now despite their best efforts, or it doesn't really affect them and they don't understand why I have such a problem with it. Either way, I come away feeling kinda... mer. Oddly enough, the person I identify with most and draw the most courage and inspiration from are my friends with cancer!)

While researching J's gift, I ended up coming across a book that deals with sex when you've got a chronic illness. I, of course, don't seem to need much help in that area lol, but I did the "Look Inside!" feature, out of curiosity, and what I read blew me away. The section that I read was not about sex, really, but about the different "myths" about people with chronic illnesses. I ended up ordering the book, because I feel that it will help me better come to grips with my condition and not get so down on myself for being "compromised" and not being "enough".

I tell you, the Should Monster has a heyday with my illnesses, because when it whispers in my ear that I should be functioning at a higher level than I am... I agree! I want to be better than I am, and I find myself in dangerous territory. It is a constant battle to maintain hope and courage without crossing the line into Should-fueled functioning. I did overdo it yesterday, and I'm paying for it today. (I'm actually sitting in my rheumatologist's waiting room as I type this, and I'm going to tell him how badly I'm doing, and how rapidly the decline is going. I'm going to tell him that I literally cannot function without painkillers anymore, and even when I take them, it's to keep the pain at a 3 or 4 so that I can function. It doesn't take away the pain. It just makes it bearable.)

While in yoga last week, we chose an affirmation/intention to repeat as a mantra while we went through our movements that day, and I chose to repeat, "I am perfect health." I've been trying to maintain that as a mantra throughout the week, but I honestly felt like a hypocrite when I say that, because I'm not perfect health, and that's pretty obvious. So am I to deny reality in favor of wishful thinking? Then I got to thinking about what "perfect health" means, and I wonder if "perfect health" doesn't mean something different for every person? Like honoring your practice, finding your own personal, optimal balance... I dunno. Still figuring it out. But one intention that really worked for me, and that I've found coming back to me quite frequently, is one that says, "I am enough."

That's especially important for me to believe right now as I'm down so low health-wise. I mean, a One Thing A Day Rule? I could so easily run with that and kick myself into a depressive, discouraged spiral... but I won't. Because no matter where my health is at, no matter what my abilities to achieve are, I am simply enough. My being enough does not hinge on what I can or cannot do, it is because I simply  am. Even if I were in a vegetative state, dependent upon machines for the very breath in my lungs, I would still be enough. And you know what? My beloved agrees! He has proven that he will not leave my side, no matter how much or how little I can do, no matter how ill I feel, no matter that I can't take care of him in all the ways that I would like to, that I can't fulfill my dream ideal of "wife" or "partner". Nope, I am enough for him, simply because I am. He loves me, not my chores :) And that is an amazing, amazing truth to hold on to.

The same with my family. They've seen me through so many ups an downs, twists and turns... so many changes in my life and lifestyle while trying to be a good person and live a good life... but they've always just loved me, because I am enough. Whether I'm a SuperChristian or a fornicating heathen, whether I can take the dogs for a jog or have to depend on the Bling Chariot to get around, whether I cook amazing food or cook amazing food (Hehe...), they just love me, because I am enough. Me, I, just myself, I am enough. It doesn't matter what I can and cannot do. And I feel the same about each and every one of them. They are enough. They really are. So that's something that I've been hanging onto lately.

So, back to the fibro research! That was a divergence, but an important one that I needed to get out.

I realized after reading an article about fibro and pregnancy that C and I will have to be very intentional about starting a family. We can't just show up pregnant one day, because I will have to get off of all my meds prior to becoming pregnant, else they might adversely affect the baby. And we saw how that kind of thing goes with the colonoscopy, (very, very badly, if done abruptly) so I'll have to spend a good period of time weaning myself off of them, particularly the painkillers... And that means that I'll have to be in a decent place with my fibro to begin with, so right now is clearly not a good time to be considering a family! (Also, I'm not allowed to be pregnant during the massage therapy program, so it's rather impossible at this point...) So basically, we should start planning our pregnancy about a year in advance, to give me time to wean off of the meds and rely more heavily on alternative therapies to manage the pain and symptoms. It could definitely be a good thing, as I might be able to simply stay off of the meds afterward, which is my goal for some point in the future anyway... and I'll have to be off of them as long as I'm breastfeeding, of course. I did read that, though fibro does not adversely affect a pregnancy in the physical sense, it does aggravate the pregnancy symptoms that women typically experience, and I guess pregnant ladies are more prone to fibro flares. So it really could be a miserable time for me, and afterward could be pretty bad (because one of my triggers is lack of sleep, and we all know that newborns don't exactly let you lounge around in bed all day...), but I just have to decide whether it's worth it and if it's something that I really want. (I do.) C will have to step in and help balance out the domestic load for me, or we'll have to have someone come in and help for a while, like a live-in nanny or something, because I don't think that I can just hit the ground running like some moms can. It'll definitely be a planning scenario, that's for sure! No spontaneity here, lol. And while I'm on birth control for other reasons, I am very grateful for the fact that they let us decide when we want to have children. It is a distinct advantage, in our case.

And the last thing that I wanted to touch on before I get to my One Thing for today (putting away laundry and unpacking my suitcase-- I haven't gotten to it yet, because other One Things seemed to be more pressing!) is the wedding.

I was definitely disappointed to find that so many of the people that I wanted to share my big day with weren't able to come. You hear that saying about how the wedding is about the bride and groom, right? Well, for me that's not entirely true. For me, the day is about us, yes, but also about the people that I care about. That is a very important part of the occasion for me, and I felt like that was being ripped away from me, leaving me helpless and sad. Another part of it is that I have so many people that I love scattered so far and wide, and they've all impacted my life in such a huge way-- these people have helped to make me who I am today! So how can I have a celebration that is essentially about two people without honoring those who helped contribute to the forming of those two? It doesn't make sense to me. Many of these people have never met each other, and I feel like they should, because they're all puzzle pieces that make up the whole that is my heart. So I had really set a lot of hopes upon all my loved ones being there, I guess, and to not be able to do anything about them not coming, well... it was a bit tragic.

You can imagine my overwhelmed joy, gratitude, and utter shock when C (adopted mom) called me yesterday to inform me that they've been working behind the scenes and have decided that if I can give the money I'd set aside to help J travel to the wedding (which she won't be needing anymore, obviously) to them, then they will put together the rest that's needed so that H (one of my besties and my day-of coordinator) can drive down with K and J, as a wedding gift to me.

Let me repeat that in less convoluted terms.

C and D are gifting me with the presence of H, J, and K at my wedding. Sure, they're my day-of coordinator and my musicians, but they're more than that-- they're my friends, my sisters, my companions in the journey of life! They've been there for some of the hardest parts of my healing journey, and now they get to see all that hard work come to fruition as we celebrate my happy, healthy relationship. It would have been amazing for them to come without any problems, but for this gift to come from C and D makes it super, super meaningful. It's like a part of C and D will be there, because they sent my friends. They are the ambassadors of love from C and D, and I am profoundly humbled to realize that they love me that much. (And why? Because I am enough. ^_^) It literally brings tears to my eyes, because I don't know what to do with that kind of love, or even how to absorb it, really. It makes me want to just throw myself at them in service and somehow show them how grateful I am for them and how much I love them, too!

I am going to work my tail off to get this internet idea to become a reality. I know it's a possibility, but I am going to make it work! I need to be able to share this with them. My gift to them, I guess....

See how happy I am? It's because of you, what you taught me... the hope you gave me... I wouldn't have believed in happy, healthy marriages if it weren't for you two. I had no hope, but you changed all that. So see how happy we are? It's because of you. Thank you.

Remember that amazing collar I bought at Ren Fair yesterday? I wore it all day, all evening... I adore it. I'm wearing it now, as a matter of fact.

Anyway, last night I told C that I had something to give him before we went to sleep, so he made sure to remind me before we drifted off. I almost chickened out, because I was embarrassed, but I gathered my courage and slipped on my collar, heart shaped padlock and key in hand. It was dark, so I didn't feel as vulnerable :)

I placed the lock and key into his hand, and I made an impromptu little speech. For some quick background, C and I have both researched the BDSM culture to various extents, and while we are most definitely NOT a BDSM couple, there are aspects of the lifestyle and play that we really enjoy and incorporate into our own bedroom antics. I suppose that what we like might seem a bit freaky to some people, but we've talked about it and we both agree that the important thing is not what other people might think, but that it works for us. Most importantly, whatever we do is built on a foundation of trust, communication, and consensual agreement. We do not do anything that one or the other of us is not comfortable with or not ready for. This is also one of the basic tenets of BDSM. They use the acronym SSC- Safe, Sane, Consensual. The players must operate from a basis of trust, otherwise it can quickly devolve into abuse.

Another background tidbit that might be useful in understanding the subtleties of what I gave to C is that there are typically two types of people in the BDSM culture. A "dom" is the dominant one who takes control, and a "sub" is the submissive one who receives. Don't be deceived into thinking that the dom does all the work and the sub just sits there. It's a mutual experience of giving, as the sub gives control and permission to the dom, and the dom gives the experiences desired to the sub. It's a give-give relationship. Granted, it looks much different than your typical relationship, but to each their own, I guess. Anyway, when a relationship between a dom and a sub has been established, often the dom will "collar" their sub. The sub will wear a collar of the dom's choosing, with or without a lock, to show that they belong to a dom in general and that dom in particular. Some couples even have an official collaring ceremony which is, in effect, much like a marriage ceremony. (In case it's not obvious, I'm the "sub" in our play, and he's the "dom". Sub is a role that I naturally fall into and enjoy very much, and C is the same way with dom, so it works out well.)

With that knowledge, let us proceed into my gift to C. I placed the padlock and key that came with my collar in his hand, snuggled up to him, and said my piece. The gist of it (because I can't remember what I said verbatim) went like this...

"I know that we're not a BDSM couple, but we've both done research on it and know a lot about it. You know that the basic foundation for that is trust. Well, as the wedding is getting closer, I've been doing a lot of thinking... and I'll admit that I have been freaking out some. (murmur of agreement from C, lol) It would be kinda weird if I wasn't. But as we're getting closer and closer to the wedding, and as we've been going around, working towards getting a house, I just really wanted you to know that I trust you. That's what the lock and key are for. I trust you implicitly and completely, and this is a symbol of that. Not only do I trust who you are, that you are a good man, but I trust that any decisions you have to make will be the right ones for me and the kids. I'm looking forward to our future together, and I'm honored that you chose me as the person you want to spend the rest of your life with."

As I was talking, C began stroking my hair and kissing the top of my head. When I was done, he said, "That was very nice," and kissed me deeply. He snapped the lock onto my collar, kissed me again, and then, well, romance ensued.

His minimal response was belied by his tone of voice and his physical response to my words even as I was speaking. I can tell that it touched him deeply. I mean, I may as well have been holding up a blinking red sign that said, "I RESPECT YOU!" And if you've ever read or heard anything by Emerson Eggerichs, you'll know that respect feeds a man's innate need to be loved, just as love feeds that in a woman. Reciting poetry while tossing rose petals probably isn't going to do it for a guy. He needs to feel that he is respected. That's what will rev his engine and make him feel deeply cherished. I think that, last night, I made C feel that I deeply cherish him, and it meant a lot to him. "That was very nice" meant much more than the brevity of the words could convey. I know him well enough to know that. I don't know exactly what feelings it stirred in him, but I know it touched him pretty deeply.

I also hope that it allayed his fears of my up and leaving again. I truly damaged him and caused him unspeakable pain when I left the first time. I regret the pain I caused, though I don't regret leaving (we're so much better off after all these years of individual experiences and growth!). He basically gave up trying in relationships after that. It was a mix of  apathetic "eh, what's the point?" and fearful "I don't want to get hurt again, so if I don't care, then you can't hurt me". And it was me that shredded his heart and brought him to that point. We've talked about it. I've apologized for the pain I caused, but I have also explained that a.) I was trying to do the right thing, and doing the best I knew how, and b.) I feel that the time apart has made our relationship stronger, so I can't bring myself to regret having left.

He told me that he understood that I was trying to do the right thing by both of us, which is why he never hated me. He had/has a lot of deep, seething anger towards the situation, and towards the people in my life that influenced me to leave, but he never directed any of that at me. I'm glad. Sad that he has more ammo against Christians now, but glad that he understood that I was trying to be a good person.

Anyway, I guess I'm "collared" now lol. I wore it to bed, but he left the key on the desk so I could take it off this morning. I had been talking with him about what jewelry I would and wouldn't wear while in Id, and so he joked last night that he just might take the key and have me wear my collar for my whole visit up there! I laughed, but told him that it probably wouldn't go over so well when I went to church... ;) (Besides, I have to shower!)

Interestingly, he feels strongly about my leaving off my engagement ring. I didn't expect that when I asked how he would feel about it. Since he feels strongly about it, and it would bother him for me to remove it, I'll keep it on. But I think I'm going to put my foot down about the collar... no matter how much I love it. ^_^

Ahhh, Christmas day with the folks. It's always fun, and I don't mean that in a facetious way. Besides increasing in material wealth (and really no matter how much of a grumpy pants you are, getting stuff is nice. Can we just be honest about that for once?), I enjoy seeing how our family traditions evolve over the years.

Mom and I had an intense gift-wrapping marathon on Christmas Eve Eve (not a typo), but we didn't quiiiiiite finish. We started around 3 or 4, but by midnight we were exhausted. We thought we might finish up on Christmas Eve, but that didn't work out, as we had grocery shopping and prescription filling to do, not to mention Mom's last minute gift shopping. She knew what she wanted, but just hadn't been able to get out and get it yet.

So Christmas morning I awoke bright and early and realized that I was not hungry at all. Usually, I make Christmas breakfast, but my appetite was shot and no one else was really up. R informed us that Mom had been up with the baby a lot of the night, so she planned to sleep until 11, then we could open gifts. Upon hearing that, I headed back to bed for a nap of my own. The unwrapped presents and all the wrapping paraphernalia had been set up in my room for the past few days, so Mom came in when she woke up. She was asking if I was okay, probably because I was still in bed! After I assured her that it was just a nap and explained how my pain killers had stopped being pain killers, she came back with a nice little Tylenol-Aleve cocktail for me... which also didn't really do much. lol

Anyway, I got up and wrapped a few more things while Mom was getting her coffee and all that, then took over the baby for K. Little Peanut fell asleep in my arms, so I pawned her off on Grampa R when we all gathered to open presents, because it's really difficult to open gifts with a sleeping infant in your arms! That, of course, meant he had to wait to open his until he could hand her off to Gramma Mom. It was like playing hot potato. :)

One tradition that has stuck around my whole life is that we take turns opening a present at a time, and the whole family watches that one person's reaction as they open their gift. It helps keep the focus off of the material goods and more on the experience of the gifting from a loved one, if that makes sense. It's not just about "getting stuff", it's about the thought and effort that was put into finding the thing that would make that person squeal/laugh/fall on the floor and twitch with joy. (That twitching thing has actually happened.) We typically go from youngest to oldest, and even little Peanut got some presents. Her mommy opened them for her, of course, since she was sleeping. Oh, and there's that whole fine motor control thing that she's lacking, too...

Something that I love about my family is that they come up with the most amazing gifts. Everything I got this year was unique but practical (and packable!), and generally either really awesome/sweet or totally hysterical. For instance, I now have an ice cube tray that makes koi-shaped ice cubes, a t-shirt from the REAL Mystic Pizza Parlor in CT, a rubber ducky armada (complete with soundtrack), a Wal-Mart gift card with strict instructions to use it to splurge on myself and not get all practical, a container of specialty tea and a gift card to a store that is devoted entirely to tea and tea accessories, and a Black Knight plush toy with detachable arms and legs.

After opening gifts, K and her boyfriend had to leave so that they could make it to his grandmother's house before all of his family took off. They took Peanut with them, and the house is so quiet and empty without her... I feel like an empty nester. Also, I don't know what to do with all my free time anymore. So, since I was still feeling run down, I went back to bed! Hehe. That's what I'll do with my free time-- I'll nap. :)

Mom jumped into the kitchen and whipped up a stellar Christmas dinner, which we all thoroughly enjoyed... even the pets. Mom totally spoils them and feeds them scraps from the table. J drifted off to her room after dinner, Jr went to his room because he's sick, and Mom, R, and I hung out in the living room and watched Dr. Who for a couple of hours. We interspersed episodes with conversation, and I worked on wedding stuff. (Okay, so maybe it was more than a couple of hours... we DID stay up until one, after all...) I finished off the night with a phone call to my beloved, and it was so good to hear his voice. I only have 10 more days until I'm back home, and while it seems like both a long and a short time, I know that it will absolutely fly by. Soon I'll be back in school again, back to the grind... sort of. I've got a lot of big life changes coming up, so things will be different in many ways.

I'm a bit disappointed that we'll be spending New Year's Eve at K and her boyfriend's apartment. It's not that I don't want to see their place (and her baby) and hang out with them, but he's invited his family... and I've not heard good things about them. Our family always hangs out together and eats popcorn, drinks Martinelli's, and plays games or watches a movie. I'm sad to miss out on that in lieu of spending a day (and possibly the next day?) with a bunch of people that aren't pleasant to be around. Oh well. I know that it is important to K that I see her home, so I will brave it for her sake. So I'll be sad to miss out on our traditions. Big deal. I'll survive.

Oh, and Peanut was in her little red and white "Baby's First Christmas" outfit with the sparkly red tutu. A-dorable. Ridiculously so. I have this hypothesis that the universe is powered solely on baby cuteness, and if that is so, then she is contributing more than her share.

It was a good day. I'm very grateful for my family... especially because of all the craziness and quirks. I don't think I'd fit in anywhere else :)

'Cause you can never hear enough about my wedding, right?! Right.

Last night I came across a couple of readings, and I shared them with C, to kind of feel out what he might like for the ceremony. He really liked the first, as did I, and he described the second as, "a good description of love".

I'm thinking that the first would be great as the vows that we seal and frame. The second may work as part of the officiant's reading/speech thingy. I'm still not sure how it's all going to work.

What I really think I'm gonna do is just lay low and collect inspiration, then as the time draws nigh I'll hijack C out for sushi or something, and we'll write the ceremony together. That's what I really want.

Before posting the two readings, though, I did want to mention that I woke up this morning, still sick, but much boosted and buoyed by the discovery that the C family sent me a package!! (It came while I was sleeping.) I'll have to take some pics and get them up here later, but it is a lovely little box carved from a chunk of aspen log. The drawer is shaped like a heart, and it's got a little stick drawer-pull. Even better than that? It's got another secret little heart shaped drawer in the backside of the first drawer!!!! (I cannot use enough exclamation points to describe this thing!)

I feel so loved :) And they nailed it perfectly. I adore it. And I adore them. I am so blessed to be loved by so many great people, I tell you.

And, also, my midterm grade for Intro to Essential Sciences is 98%. As my teacher said, "You can't get much better than that. Keep up the good work!" Yayee.

So! The readings!

Traditional Irish/Celtic Wedding Vow

You cannot possess me for I belong to myself.
But while we both wish it, I give you that which is mine to give.
You cannot command me, for I am a free person.
But I shall serve you in those ways you require,
And the honeycomb will taste sweeter coming from my hand.
I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry aloud in the night,
And the eyes into which I smile in the morning.
I pledge to you the first bite of my meat and the first drink from my cup.
I pledge to you my living and my dying, each equally in your care.
I shall be a shield for your back and you for mine.
I shall not slander you, nor you me.
I shall honor you above all others, and when we quarrel we shall do so in
Private and tell no strangers our grievances.
This is my wedding vow to you
This is the marriage of equals.

To Love Is Not To Possess
James Kavanaugh

To love is not to possess,
To own or imprison,
Nor to lose one's self in another.
Love is to join and separate,
To walk alone and together,
To find a laughing freedom
That lonely isolation does not permit.
It is finally to be able
To be who we really are
No longer clinging in childish dependency
Nor docilely living separate lives in silence,
It is to be perfectly one's self
And perfectly joined in permanent commitment
To another--and to one's inner self.
Love only endures when it moves like waves,
Receding and returning gently or passionately,
Or moving lovingly like the tide
In the moon's own predictable harmony,
Because finally, despite a child's scars
Or an adult's deepest wounds,
They are openly free to be
Who they really are--and always secretly were,
In the very core of their being
Where true and lasting love can alone abide.

One more thing of note!

Last night B and his wife J took C and I aside and informed us that their gift to us for our wedding was the photography. They have a friend that's quite good, and she'll give them a discounted rate. It's funny 'cause J was trying to feel me out on the photography, but I totally wasn't taking the hint and it went right over my head! lol

Anyway, that's a huge blessing, and a huge chunk out of the budget. The budget is now back down below $1300, and that makes me happy :)

(Edit: L, C's old roomie, called me today and offered to buy the photography as a wedding gift as well! I told her that she was super sweet and I really, really appreciated it, but... she was about 20 hours too late! lol But seriously... what amazing people I am surrounded by!)

I went over to C's dad's place last night to do laundry (went into S's room and pulled out thirteen towels-- so that's where they all went! lol). As I was packing up to leave, D, C's dad's girlfriend (say that five times fast...) came out and we had a little conversation as we were both getting ready to leave.

She asked about the wedding, and I told her about the proposal and our wedding plans and date and all that. She told me that if I needed any help (setting up, decorating, whatever!) to just ask her, and I told her that I'd probably take her up on that! Then she asked about gifts and if we needed anything, and I told her about our decision to ask for help with the wedding budget.

She then proceeded to ask about washers and dryers and hookups, and I told her about C looking for a house and how we don't have room for either of those things right now, nor do we have a washer and dryer.

So then she gave me a dryer.

Yeah, that's right. A practically brand-new electric dryer. It's in storage right now, and will stay there until we move into a place that has room for it, but... dude! That's gonna save us so much money! It may be ridiculous, but I'm thoroughly excited about being gifted a dryer. Thoroughly.

Well, I totally mis-read that one.

Hmm.

I was right, though. He did give me a ring :)

And, technically, it is an engagement ring... It's the ring he gave me the first time around. I kept it (since he wouldn't take it back), and it fell off of my keychain a year and a half ago, landing in the snow and sort of surviving being run over by an Expedition. I wish I'd thought to take a picture of it while it was warped.

So, C got it fixed for me, and gave it back. :) 

Since the picture is kinda lame (no camera, remember? I have to rely on my not-so-great cell phone camera), it's a solitaire tanzanite (since I don't like diamonds) with a Celtic trinity knot on either side, surrounded by a roped edge.

The way he gave it to me was sweet/funny. He picked it up sometime yesterday, and left the little white box sitting on his desk. I didn't notice it until I got back from group last night, and then it took all my will-power not to peek (although I desperately wanted to!). As a matter of fact, I was going to peek when I went into the room to change my shirt, but both C and B were there, so I took it as a sign and gave up the idea of peeking.

Five hours later, I finally asked C, "What's that white box?" He laughed, because he had figured that hiding it out in the open was the best way to keep it from me. (Back story: when he proposed the first time, he left the bag with the ring in it sitting on top of his dresser, and I totally didn't see it. At all. I  knew he'd gotten an engagement ring and hidden it, so I was actually poking around for it, but couldn't find it. So he took the same tack this time, thinking that I probably wouldn't see it. And, to his credit... it did take me several hours to notice it.)

So he tossed me the box and said, "You can look if you want to." Uh, yeah! Of COURSE I want to! But I didn't want to ruin any surprise, so I demurred for a moment or two, then finally lifted off the box's top to find... an old ring of mine that doesn't fit anymore that had been sitting in his dream box.

He laughed as I spluttered, saying, "I did take some precautions, you know!" Immediately, I reached for the dream box and revealed my shining prize.

Later, I confided to C that I had "totally been expecting you to propose!". He said that he could use this ring, but that he didn't want to propose here (his apartment), like this. It needed to be... something better, he said. (I agree wholeheartedly.)

So I misjudged that one. I know it's still coming, but now I'm deliciously in suspense.

Good. I love surprises. :)

Today... was a good day. Yeah, it was.

As I learn more about free choice and personal responsibility, it becomes easier to spend time with my family. As I told my sis, J, though... I don't want to live here full-time. The family's just still too... dysfunctional?... for that. But that's okay. God's working with us. He's healing, I know he is. I can see it.

So we got up late, and ate breakfast around 11. I made tahini-basil polenta, R made coffee-cake, Mom fried up some chicken and beef bacon, and we had some fruit.

Then we sorta tidied up (sorta! lol) and headed into the living room for gift opening. I think we probably got started on them around noon, and we got done around two. Our family has a tradition of going around the circle, youngest to oldest, each person opening one gift at a time. That way the entire family can appreciate the gift and the giver... and the reaction :)

I received many lovely gifts (I had the most out of everyone! Everyone else finished opening theirs, and I still had a whole stack to go. A little ironic, since I'm the one that dislikes money spent on me the most lol), and they're pretty much all practical. Jr. got me a set of matryoshka (Russian nesting doll) measuring cups that are SO CUTE! And Mom and R got me a set of teeny, stacking measuring spoons that are just perfect. I got face wash and body spray, a couple of cookbooks dedicated exclusively to soups (I love soup!), a jar of Amish Apple Butter, a notebook, a cluster of colored pencils made out of sticks, some sticky notes that look like an apple (quite clever!), a hat/scarf set in grey, foot-pampering lotion and soak from Mary Kay, a miniature hot glue gun, some ink for my fountain pen, and a button/pin that says "Meh." on it :) Oh, yes, and the piece de resistance, a Swedish Chef plush doll!! Yay! I had a Swedish Chef, but he mysteriously disappeared during one of my many moves. I don't know what happened to him, quite frankly. I know he's not at C's, but he's just... gone. :( But now he has been replaced! I'm so happy :)

I asked Mom if perhaps, next year, she and R would consider getting me just one or two things (since gifts are her love language, and she would be most unhappy if I didn't accept anything from her) and then donate to a couple of charities of my choice in my name? She said she thinks that would be okay, so that's a hopeful thing to look forward to for me. I choose Amazima and Crystal Peaks Youth Ranch.

After presents, we pulled out The Game of Life that K had gotten, and played a game. I ended up making potato tacos in the middle of it, but it was a long game! Fun, though. I look forward to trying it again. Mom popped their turkey in the oven mid-afternoon, and we had a "fancy" Christmas supper, complete with nice plates and wine glasses- turkey, stuffing, broccoli, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes and gravy, dinner rolls, and perch for me. (I've never had perch before, but it was really good!!!) Oh, yes, and Martinelli's sparkling apple cider. No festive occasion is complete without Martinelli's.

Then we had dessert while watching Horton Hears A Who. The fam had pumpkin pie, I had mint chocolate chip coconut ice cream. Mmmmm.... Then the kids started playing Call of Duty again, and I pulled out the Count of Monte Cristo for some quality time with Edmond Dantes.

I've realized, upon being here... my family has contributed in a great way to the development of my personality. I mean, really. It's so strange being around 5 other people who crack jokes like I do, who goof around like I do, who quote movies and break into song like I do... I mean, I fit. This is where it came from. It's a trip... and yet, very refreshing and calming. Wow, I'm not the only one! I don't agree with all the humor, of course, and they know that, but they're good about keeping it clean for me.

R mentioned on the way home from the airport that he wants to talk to me about school. He's not aware of any of the details of my plans, just vague generalities. He didn't even know it was a two-year associate's program. But he did throw out this suggestion (which I promptly dismissed as not an option)- if I wanted to stay in Y and go to AWC for a degree in social work, staying with my grandparents, he and Mom could probably cover my tuition.

Whoa, hello! What an offer! But I told him I didn't want to, partially because I want to try to do this myself, you know? And partly because I know they're struggling financially already, and I will not impose the burden of my education upon them.

Right. He did say, however, that I could pay them back afterward, like a school loan, and, quite frankly, I'd rather be indebted to my kin than the government or a large, capitalist establishment. So I told him, why don't you just pay my way through massage school?! LOL. That's when it came out that he didn't realize what course of study I was pursuing, exactly, so he said we'd talk about it later, as we had arrived at the house and Mom was impatiently awaiting my departure from the truck. We haven't had a chance to talk about it yet, but we will. He won't forget that discussion, and neither will I. We shall see.

I still fully intend to go to this massage school come September.

Another opportunity arose, though, when a friend of mine called me up and said I should come work on a farm in eastern Az until school starts. Wouldn't that be super cool?! But the draw of working with the Healing Journey is just so powerful that I can't dismiss it, nor do I want to. I am toying with the idea, though, of going for a month this summer, like July. J will be there too, and that would be a super awesome aggie party- roomies reunited. Bliss. JC will be there, too, and we've always gotten along well. He's a neat guy, and we have fun. Plus the O's are there, and that's, of course, a huge draw.

Food would be, of course, my big concern (as always). It's hard to work with an operation like that and find time to prepare special meals. :-[ The curse of my life... (although, I have found that having food allergies has really helped me make healthier food choices. A lot of times, even though I want something, I simply can't have it, and that makes saying "No" infinitely easier. Somehow, I need more severe ramifications than a ruffled conscience.)

It is now 4 am. I think I should fall asleep now. I haven't stayed up this late in a very long time... especially when nothing is wrong. Usually, it's when I'm having a battle with darkness that I'm up all night. Tonight, though... I just didn't feel like sleeping.

Well, delayed leaving by a day because R checked out my car and my brake pads are worn down. It's not *bad*, but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, you know? Plus, I'll get to learn how to install brake pads on my car! Hello, Proverbs 31 points! :)

Plus this'll give me an extra day to prepare and pack, and I won't be hurried and rushed (as I was this morning. Sabbath ends late, and I didn't have much time to prepare before I was overwhelmed with sleepiness.)

C: Cars... talk about your first car, the car you have now, any accidents, driving pet peeves, etc.


I've only had two cars, and I still have the second one. My first car was Betsey, the "Google" car. (She was a Pontiac 6000LE, but my friend misread the name, thinking it said "Google"!)

I got her my first year at Bible college, when I needed a car to do door-to-door work for one of our practicums. I affectionately called her "the tank", because she never broke down and never gave up. Even when other people ran into her, there was nary a dent or a scratch.

Inside, though, she wasn't exactly the ideal car... The driver's seat did not recline anymore, but was permanently stuck. Since it was reclined back farther than I liked, I simply rode around with a pillow between my back and the seat. The AC didn't work, which wasn't usually a problem, except when I was driving around in the desert. (I almost got heat stroke one time coming home on break.) At least the heater worked! (...constantly ^_^) The seatbelts in the back were rusted to the point of uselessness, and there was a giant hole in the seat from some acid of some sort. I just kept it covered with a blanket. Oh, and the dome light didn't work, because my great uncle had tinkered with it and tried to rewire it somehow.

Outside of that, she's cherry. Not bad for a first car, and great for a free car! (She was a direct answer to prayer.)

Then came Shenandoah.

Quite the upgrade, no? Betsey got sold down in Mexico. I hope they enjoy her. (The lack of AC could prove to be problematic...) Shenandoah was part of God's preparations to send me to Idaho. He knew Betsey would never make it.

This is the car I have now, I and I really enjoy her. Did I mention that Betsey didn't have a cd player? She did have a tape deck, but Shenandoah has both! It's nice to have music when I travel.

As far as accidents go... I haven't had any in Shenandoah, nor did I have any in Betsey. I did, however, have one in C's truck once. (That's a funny, slightly embarrassing story...) I was trying to park in a parking garage so that I could go and have an interview with the Sheriff's Department. I was nervous, I was still a new driver, and I wasn't very used to the truck yet. The spot I chose was too tight, but I didn't realize it, and I got hung up on the huge white truck to the right. I carved a huge dent into the side of C's truck, but the other truck was okay. To further the exasperation of the situation, I locked my keys in the truck as I was trying to brush my paint off the other truck's bumper. (The interview went okay, though.) I called C, and his dad gave him a ride over. Turns out his dad (a Sheriff's Dept. employee) works with Sgt. M, and knew that it was his truck right off the bat. Sgt. M is the guy that would be administering the polygraph test as I got farther into the hiring process for the Sheriff's Dept. Great.

Sgt. M's truck was fine, and it was all off the record, but that was highly embarrassing for me. (A few months later, while I was a waitress, two Sheriff's Dept. guys came in for supper, and as I was serving them, they figured out who I was by our small talk-- "You're the girl who hit Sgt. M's truck!!" Embarrassing much?)

Oh, and one other time, I borrowed J's car, and as I was parking, the wheel slipped in my hand, and I dinged the car next to me. I ended up paying out of pocket so my friend's insurance wouldn't take the hit.

Hmm... Pet peeves.... Oh, yes. Use your blinkers, people!! That's what they're there for! How am I supposed to work harmoniously with you if you won't let me know what you're doing?

Another pet peeve is driving under the speed limit... in the passing lane. I'm here because I want to pass someone else who is going under the speed limit. Blurgh. 

I think that's it. I'm sure I'll realize something that annoys me when someone does it. :)

I'm going to go pack, now. I want to be ready for tomorrow morning when I have to roll out bright and early.

Ahhhhhh....

The house is clean. There's nothing quite like the feel of a home clean and ready for Sabbath. I love it.

Since H's love language is acts of service, I decided to put forth some extra effort and really make things tidy for when she gets back on Sunday. I even scrubbed the shower. I dislike scrubbing the shower.

So, on to the topic of my thoughts for today!

"How are you and D doing?" I get that question a lot. And it makes sense- those who I call are those I'm close to, and those I'm close to know that this is a totally new frontier for me. I'm not offended in any way by their questions, it just makes me chuckle that almost every person would ask the same question, phrased in almost the exact same way. (The alternative phraseology is "How are things going with you and D?")

And things are... going. We're progressing normally, I think. C asked me today if we'd said "I love you" to each other yet. I must admit, I was rather flabbergasted and slightly horrified by the idea. Not horrified by the idea of saying "I love you" to D (that is actually a rather pleasant prospect ^_^), but horrified by the idea of introducing something so weighty into our relationship so soon. I mean, like is one thing, but love? That's a whole different ballpark.

I know I like him. I am attracted to him physically, I think he's quite good looking, and he has the ability to give me butterflies. He has a good sense of humor, and we can laugh together (although once in a while he cracks a joke that I think is kind of crude, but I'm willing to overlook that). As a matter of fact, we do laugh together, quite a bit. He's intelligent, logical, resourceful, he seems to be a good, hard worker, and he loves his mom a lot. He's very good to his mother. (That gives me hints on how he would treat a future wife.) He's encouraging when I'm discouraged, and he's steady but fun. He's kind. He loves the outdoors. (We may have issues there... I don't like hiking as much as he does, I think. I mean, I enjoy it, but it's not my number one favorite activity.) Ahh, yes, and he loves God.

That, to me, is key. He has a testimony, an experience. I refuse to be caught up in another relationship where I cannot worship God alongside my partner. I won't.

I asked him today about his spiritual life. Because it was at the end of the conversation, I posed it as a question to think about overnight, and we can compare answers tomorrow. The question was, "What is your spiritual life like? Also, how would you summarize where you are with God?" I need to think about it myself, and figure out how to put it into words. So... we'll see.

Honestly, I don't know how to tell if someone is spiritually compatible, really, because everyone's relationship with God is unique. There's not a blueprint I can compare his answer with. C gave me some advice, which was that the key thing is that he be willing and wanting to grow, and that I need to take his answer and pray about it, and let God tell me whether or not we are compatible.

So things are... going. We talk when we can. He called me beautiful once. He sent me flowers :) We made mutual admissions of missing each other. I haven't done much in the way "mush", for a few reasons. First of all, I want our relationship to be based on more than mere emotions. Secondly, well... I'm shy. Thirdly, I fear rejection. Fourthly, if we do split up for some reason, I want it to be as painless as possible, so the less I "mush", the easier that would be.

But I do care for him, very much. He's a wonderful man. I'm glad that he's a part of my life.