“O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. The LORD redeemeth (ransoms) the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate.” {Psalm 34:8, 22}

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” {Isaiah 55:8, 9}

Wow. What a week. (Nine days, actually, since my last day off... now I understand more of why God instituted Sabbath rest. I don’t like not having it!)

They took away our computers and cell phones on the first day of Staff Training, which would be the Sunday before last. I had heard, and was hoping, that they would let us keep our phones and comps during training week, but no such luck.

I wrote six letters last week. Boy, how I miss communicating...

Staff training was busy. The returning staff say that they don’t remember working this much or this hard during training weeks before. I wouldn’t know any different. My days are all pretty much the same, since I’m in the kitchen.

I feel like some sort of superhero (or maybe supervillain?)-- by day, I’m a mild-mannered member of the kitchen staff. By night... I am a girl’s counselor. Yeah, yeah, nothing too thrilling in the way of saving the world. But, if you think about it... I am helping to save the world a little bit. The kids look up to the staff, and the way we interact with them could affect major life decisions. Kids are extremely impressionable, especially at this young age (6-8). So as I am a good influence on these girls, I am helping to make the world a better place, a little bit.

When the campers showed up on Sunday, I realized what a heavy responsibility we have as staff. I remember being a camper and being in a sort of awe around the counselors (not the kitchen staff, unfortunately!), like, “Whoaaaaa... They’re so COOL, and so much older, and so... whoa.” Now, I’m the staff. How the tables have turned!

The reason I included those verses at the beginning was because I’ve had an interesting experience with God these past nine days. I did NOT want to be in the kitchen when I first came up here, then I was okay with it, then I had to come to terms with the fact that I might be in the kitchen all summer, and now... I’m in the kitchen all summer. And it’s okay. As a matter of fact, I’m enjoying it!

I got my Food Handler’s License last week. I got to play short-order cook and crank out quesadillas for a hundred-odd people. I got to be part of the serving team for 600 people last weekend. There have been a lot of challenging experiences, and a lot of fun and laughter to go with them. I just pray that I can be a shining light for God, no matter where I am. The LDS group that was here had some nice things to say to me.

“You’re always so cheerful and smiling! Look at her! She’s filling up the lettuce, and she’s still smiling!”

“You have the most gorgeous voice.”

“Thank you SO much! I love croutons!”

Hehe.

Then there was the homesickness that I have dealt with for the last two and a half months. It got so bad that I was going to leave... again. I just wanted to go home, to be where I was wanted and loved, because I was feeling like a failure or a burden here. THEN, in one of our staff meetings, the Boss told the group that anyone who was homesick should just go home. They don’t want homesick people here who are going to be bringing the kids down, or doing a halfhearted job. I thought, “Aha! An easy out! But should I take it? Should I actually leave?”

So I prayed... and cried. I did a lot of crying. And I prayed that God would help me. But the feelings didn’t go away. I was still down and sad and missing home desperately.

That night, I dreamt that I actually drove back home, and I walked into the living room and the family was there, and Juneaux was there, and I was so happy to be home, and they were so happy that I was home, and... I was miserable when I woke up.

So in my quiet time with God, I prayed again.

God, if you have a reason for me to be here this summer, then I need you to take away my homesickness, and give me a heart of happiness and joy, a heart that’s willing to serve.

I still felt sad and lonely, but I went to work anyway. Around lunch time, I stopped short as I realized, I’m happy! And I’m not homesick anymore!

Don’t get me wrong, I still miss home. It’s a wonderful place to be, and I want to be back there as soon as possible... but I’m not homesick. I can wait. It’s okay. I’m not desperate and pining and miserable because I’m not at home anymore.

And time has passed, and the horrible waves of homesickness have not washed over me again. God is good. I tasted, and I’m amazed. And I know that his plans and thoughts are way higher and better than mine... because I sure didn’t plan on being in the kitchen this summer, but it’s been a growth experience that I never would have anticipated. It’s been good, and I’m glad.

Yesterday, I was told that 5 or 6 of the kids here at camp are here because I went to their school recruiting. I got an “attaboy” from the Boss. :)

I’ll probably do a separate post with pictures of the camp, so I’ll wrap this up... because I want to call D. I haven’t talked to him yet (I had to go shopping for jeans yesterday, and I don’t do well shopping and phone talking at the same time), and today’s our 2 month mark.

I’m glad I’m here, and now I know that God has a reason for my being here this summer. No more uncertainty. I like that.

Today's the day. I'm all packed up and moved back into my car, ready to head to another cabin. The only thing that's waiting is for me to head down to "Headquarters" and receive my cabin assignment to move in there.

One of the other counselors flew in last night and spent the night in my cabin. It was nice to have someone around when I got up this morning... even if Boss did wake me up when he brought her to my house. (10:45!)

So... we'll see what the summer holds. If it's anything like the last couple of weeks, it's going to be a doozy. Lots of learning experiences. As D and I were discussing the difficulties I have with the Boss, he said, "Maybe you're not supposed to enjoy the summer." Thanks, D, for the uplifting and encouraging thought. lol. He clarified, and what he meant was that maybe this summer is not supposed to be a happy, carefree, easy summer for me, but a hard one, for growth and character development.

Whatever God brings my way, I'll be okay with... eventually. I know I don't like the tough times when they're here, but usually I can look back on them as some of my favorite times.

So... anticipation, excitement, and trepidation are all vying for a place in the forefront of my mind. I'm just going to take it as it comes.

Hang on to your buttons, kids!

Photo Credit

I found out that I'll be in the kitchen "for a while".

Whatever that means.

It does mean, however, that I need to get my Food Handler's Certificate.

Don't ask me why, but this feels significant... like God is setting me up for something.

Puzzle pieces are falling into place, I just can't see the picture on the front of the box. And you know what? I'm okay with that right now.

I can hardly believe it, but... I think I'm glad to stay in the kitchen. I've come to enjoy it.

Today, one of the cooks gave me a compliment. Before I knew I'd be in the kitchen a while longer, I said to him, "Today is our last day working together, I think. I wonder if I'll be in the kitchen this summer?"

He replied, "I hope so. You're a good helper."

Awww, thanks, O! I'm glad to know that I'm a good helper. Sometimes I feel so very inept.

And, incredibly, I have survived those nine days that previously seemed so overwhelming and potentially fatal. Even more incredibly, I have survived with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart... even without talking to D for a week.

God has used this brief interlude to teach me so much... what in the world will the summer bring??

Today is my day off! Woohoo! I'll be heading down the mountain into town in a few minutes.

Yesterday was difficult. After my morning time with God, where he helped me process through the dream and its accompanying emotions, when I had that "battle of the worth"... I was fighting feelings all day.

I was down. It was a hard day. The neat thing, though, is that I knew that, even though I felt down, what God had said to me earlier was true. And I knew that, eventually, these emotions would pass. How I felt that day was not an indicator of how the rest of my life (or even my week!) would be.

Feelings come and  feelings go, and feelings are deceiving.
Trust alone in the word of God- it's something worth believing!
(Thanks, Dr. Nedley, for that neat song.)

Even though I've turned this over to God, it still hurts. It's painful. It feels like the wound had finally scabbed over (again), and God peeled back the scab to deal with the underlying infection. OUCH!

Any time that wound is bumped, it hurts so bad, all the way to my core.

But God is faithful.

Yesterday was difficult, but God is good. That's a good summary of the day.

I got to talk to the family and have worship with them over the phone. That was so nice. I miss them... but the ache is starting to subside. I'm getting used to it, I guess.

And now... to commence the day off... I must Google the shops I want to visit.

I think I may have just forgiven my abuser(s).

"May have? Shouldn't you know if you've forgiven someone?"

Yeah, but, you see... I'm not sure how forgiveness actually works in a scenario like mine... I don't know what it looks like, exactly. But I think it just happened.

I had a rough night last night. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I had bad dreams last night about being abused/molested. It was awful and humiliating, and the worst part about my dreams is that they are so vivid, I feel like it's actually happening. So that's how I spent my night, or at least part of it.

I woke up out of that dream to go to work this morning, and I was fighting flashbacks. Memories were resurfacing, and I was thinking, Not here! Not now!!

I had managed to forget. Sure, it happened. Of course it did. But I had pushed it to the far reaches of my mind where I didn't have to recall it anymore, where I didn't have to feel anything about it... I could discuss the fact that I was molested, but it was an apathetic discourse. Numb. No feeling.

Today, the memories resurfaced (at least, some of them), and now they were accompanied by the feelings of fear, helplessness, and humiliation fresh from my my awful dream.

Finally, work was over, and I went home and just sobbed before God.


I don't even know how to begin processing this!! I feel so humiliated, so worthless and filthy and used... Like, this is all I'm good for- to be humiliated so someone else can get their kicks.


Somehow, God spoke to my heart as I was sobbing... he showed me the Cross.

"You're not worthless. See what value I have placed upon you? What happened to you is not an indicator of your worth and value, it's an indicator of the depravity of the other person. That's what happens to hearts when they are turned away from Me. You have value, my child, and worth. You are loved."

And when I realized that G and C's hearts were turned away from God... I realized that I could forgive them. What they did was wrong. They humiliated me, they hurt me, and it was wrong. But it's not my place to hold it against them anymore. Yes, it was wrong, but now they are accountable to God, not to me.

I even said it out loud. (Well, kinda whispered, but whatever. It was audible.)

"I forgive you, G."

I put him in prison. I still think it was the right thing to do. Even if I forgive him, he still needs to be accountable for the wrong, illegal things that he did. He needs to experience the consequences of his actions.

"I forgive you, C."

The humiliation and shame I experienced at his hands was a direct result of the warpage I received at the hands of G. If I were healthy, I would not have stood for those things.

His heart, too, is turned away from God... and I see what an ugly bent the soul takes when you walk that path. He's accountable to God now. I don't hold it against him.

Is this forgiveness? Whatever it is... I feel like it's a step forward.

D and I are having problems. Rather, I should say that I’m having a problem with D. He just doesn’t know about it yet. I’m going to talk to him about it next time we talk, because I want to address it so it doesn’t turn into resentment in my heart.

We haven’t talked in several days. That’s not the problem. I know that our lives don’t revolve around each other, and I survived 23 years without talking to him on the phone once. Not talking on the phone is not the issue.

The issue I’m having is that, 3 days in a row, he’s said he was going to call... and then he didn’t. (Actually, I have to amend that. He called last night, but after I was asleep and my phone was off... even though I told him I was going to bed at nine. Maybe he was thinking Alaska time? I dunno.)

See, he’s working again. That’s wonderful, and I’m happy for him. He’s remodeling a house, and they’re working crazy hours. Again, that’s not the problem. I miss being able to talk to him whenever I want, but it’s okay. I’m glad he’s working, and I know he is, too. 

But it’s the fact that he said he was going to call, and then didn’t. I really look forward to our conversations, especially right now when the days are long and I’m rather isolated, and I look forward to conversations with those back home. Talking with him is fun, it’s relaxing, and it helps me to refocus and sort of recharge for the next day. Since he said he was going to call, I began anticipating the phone call... only to be let down. It’s happened a few times before, when he didn’t have service. It’s understandable. But to have that let-down several days in a row... it’s painful. I don’t like it. If he doesn’t think he’ll be able to call, I’d rather he not say anything.

And now, I find myself all skeptical. He left me a voicemail, saying he’s working crazy hours and all, and that he’d call today. I found myself thinking, Yeah, sure. I’ve heard that one before. I don’t like that!

Of course, there’s some hurt mingled in with the disappointment... I know he has good reasons. I know he does, and that’s why I feel so dumb for feeling this way. But there’s a fraction of me that feels, You’re not very important to him. When he’s got nothing to do, sure he’ll call you. But when there’s stuff to be done, you take the back seat. You’re not a priority. Because, when he says he’s going to be calling, I make space in my schedule for that. Our phone calls are important to me. But there are other conversations I could have had, people I could have connected with, if I had just known that he wasn’t actually going to call!

*sigh*

I’m glad I’m processing through this now, so that I don’t jump down his throat about this or anything. No attacking. I need to communicate how I feel, is all.

And you know what? My reaction would be the same if any of the people in my life close to me did this. At first, I was scared that I was overreacting... then I thought about how I would feel and react if it were various people... and my reaction is the same. Good to know that it’s just a “me” thing and not a “relationship” thing, if that makes sense.

The other day, when I was having a DIFFICULT day and just wanted to leave more than anything else, God brought this song to mind. I sang it to myself as I did dishes, and it really helped to encourage me.