So. Birthday. (I figure that, since I can't sleep due to pain, now is as good a time as any to blog, yes?)

The night before my birthday was, well... not the greatest. I mean, parts of it were, and parts of it weren't, so as a whole, I (being human) tend to let the negative parts influence the positive parts.

C got home from work and realized that he needed to do laundry, and I wasn't doing anything, so we packed on over to his dad's house to throw a load in. We were already going to watch a movie while we waited, but D suggested that we watch Inception, which I had yet to see. We did, and it was a great movie-- very engaging-- but I grew tired about halfway through and could have easily gone to bed. I forced myself to stay awake, however, until the movie was over. By the time we got home, I was already cranky from being tired and hungry, and then C decided that, in order to reset his internal clock, he was going to stay up all night.

That's not a problem, in and of itself, although I do miss his presence in the bed next to me. The problem is that when he decides to stay up, that means that he's going to be playing on the computer. Again, not a problem... except that the computer is on the desk, right next to the bed. There's no where else to put it in this dinky little apartment. It didn't used to be a problem, but as the fibromyalgia and consequent sleep disturbances get worse, the sound of him playing on the computer and the ambient light from his two monitors and his oversized tower keep me awake or wake me up after I've already fallen asleep. He's already stopped playing certain games after I go to bed, because the rapid and constant "clickety clack" of the keys really messes with me. I have an eye mask that I wear to help make it dark enough for me to sleep, but I hate wearing the thing, and it doesn't block out all of the light, so... I've been growing increasingly frustrated.

The night before my birthday, I was grumpy and impatient, and knowing that I'd have to put up with that ambient light all night did not make me very happy. However, I realized that it wasn't fair of me to tell him to turn off his computer, because what else was he going to do the whole night? Instead, I packed up a blanket and a couple of pillows and slept on the couch. Before you go and applaud my humility in seeking a compromise, I should admit that I was not happy about it. I was pretty pissed, to be honest. However, I thought through my anger, accepted it, and let it go. It really wasn't anything worth being angry about, and it was definitely exacerbated by my crankiness. C told me later that he thought about how I was probably pretty unhappy, but there wasn't really any other solution he could come to, so he let it go as well.

I did, however, sleep pretty darn well, if not for as long as I would have liked. We had plans to meet J and B for lunch at a really good sushi place, and I wanted to be all dolled up, but since we had the house inspection right before, I knew I'd have to get all fancy before we even showed up for the inspection. So I got up early to make sure that I would have enough time to get dressed up (including curling my hair and doing my makeup!) and get everything else ready for the day. I did.

We headed out to the house inspection in the midst of a light drizzle. I was pretty happy about the cloudy, rainy day, because it seemed like it had been special ordered just for me! ^_^ Also, having rain during the inspection was great, because it let the inspector see if there were any leaks and how the water settled or ran, etc. It was most advantageous. The inspection itself went well, and there are no dealbreakers, so we'll be continuing to pursue this home. We write up and sign another contract tomorrow, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

After the inspection, we met up with J and B at the sushi place, but not before stopping at Walgreens and picking up a few things for C. The poor guy had come down with a cold the night before (staying up all night didn't help, I'm sure), and it was growing worse by the hour. He was a good sport, though, and enjoyed lunch. J and B hurried to get to the restaurant before we did, and they set up a few little things with the waiters to make my day special. For instance, instead of the usual (but gorgeous!) flower-made-of-carrots garnish on the plate, mine held a purple orchid. I didn't realize that they had ordered it especially for me until after we finished eating, and all the wait staff gathered around our table to sing Happy Birthday to me in a special, hand-clappy version of the song. Even C was smiling, singing, and clapping along! It was adorable :) The also brought me a plate with a serving of the strawberry-mochi ice cream that I love so much, and a scoop of another green ice cream that tasted like chocolate. They had written "Happy Birthday" across the plate in chocolate sauce, which was super cool, and a single candle was stuck into the mochi. I made my wish and blew it out, and then we shared the ice cream. (I got most of it, though.)

I had a massage scheduled that day, courtesy of Miss C as a birthday present, but I had gotten a call early that morning that it was canceled because the practitioner was sick. That was fine, because J and I had wanted to go shopping, and she had to get ready for work at three, so the timing wouldn't have worked otherwise. We split up in the parking lot of the restaurant, and J and I headed to Goodwill. I picked up two dresses and matching purses, one of which is a black purse shaped like a coffin with a shiny pleather bat emblazoned on the front. It's wicked cool. I love it. J found that and the brown clutch that I bought while wandering around, waiting for me to finish trying on dresses. For only having set foot in Goodwill for the first time the night before, she's pretty awesome at Goodwill shopping. The night before she found the armchair-style pillow that I was looking for while I tried on yoga pants.

She dropped me off at my house just in time for her to scoot off and get ready for work, and I changed into comfy clothes and hopped on the computer to deal with my fb wall. C came back and sprawled on the bed for a short rest before they had to head out and move another piece of furniture, and I cuddled up next to him. B came over, and we spent some time just hanging out and talking. They got the call and took off to move the furniture, and I continued to just "hang out". That was pretty much the theme of the rest of the day. C and I were going to watch a movie, but he was so tired and sick that he wound up in bed around 7 pm. Although game night had been canceled in honor of my birthday, a bunch of the guys ended up coming over and hanging out to talk strategy anyway, since there was no movie happening that night. It was fun to just hang out and chat while I surfed the internet for a few hours. I was tired myself and went to bed pretty early.

And that was my birthday. It wasn't the "big deal" that it might have been, were I living somewhere else or with other people, but it was nice. The restaurant thing really made it special, and I made it a point to tell B and J that when I thanked them. It was great to spend time with B and J, because B signed on with the Army last week. He's shipping out the weekend before the wedding, which sucks! He's been wanting to be a witness to/part of the wedding for the last seven years, and he was supposed to be C's best man. I mean, it was a no-brainer. He was the one. (Now C's bro D is the best man, which he's happy about. He was joking about fighting B in the "circle of death" for the privilege when we were first planning the wedding.) Well, J had already decided that she and her son were moving back to T to be with her family when B got into the military, whenever that would be. Now, due to timing, she's moving next week. You know what that means? Not only are C and I losing two very good friends, we're both losing our attendants for the wedding! She was supposed to be my maid of honor, and do my bachelorette party with me, and get a massage and a manicure with me the day before, and help throw my bridal shower, and... we're both really sad that she is going to miss all that. Not to mention the fact that we've become real good friends, and I'm going to miss her a ton. I went over the evening before my bday and hung out on her bed and chatted with her for like, four hours while she packed. She gave me a bunch of stuff as she thinned their possessions out, and she jokes that she did it so that I'll cry and miss her when I see it after she's gone. The worst part is that she's totally right! I will. Neither of us have cried in front of one another about her leaving yet, but I know we'll cry when she leaves. (We've each cried privately, and talked to one another about it, but we have sort of vowed not to cry with each other before she leaves, because we feel that it will only start a downward PTSD/depression spiral, since both of us struggle with that.)

Although C was sick, he was a real trooper while he was awake. S and M took off to the convenience store and a fast food joint before all the other guys got there, so the house was empty for a bit. C took advantage of that rather quickly, and took me into the bedroom to give me my birthday spankings. (Do you realize how many swats 25 is? A heck of a lot!!) That, of course, led to other types of celebrations... after which I put him to bed. I was happy, though. It was just what I wanted ^_^

So, yes. It was a good birthday. Oh, and I got a camera from J! Have I even mentioned that yet?? I think I did... Anyway, I'm super stoked about it. I tried it out last night, and it works beautifully... if I can figure out all those blasted buttons. I'm used to a good ol' point-and-shoot. I'm going to have to learn this camera so I can create some truly beautiful art.

One of the best parts about my birthday was learning that we're going to be moving forward with the house. Walking the rooms with C and deciding where to put things did my heart a world of good... but I've been a little restless since. I'm anxious to feather my nest... once it's actually mine, of course!

Damn. I did it again. I overextended myself... but I was feeling pretty good today! (In spurts...)

Yeah, and that's why I overdid it, I'm sure.

I came down with "fibro flu" this evening, and it's hanging around... at least I don't have chills (yet?), but I do actually have a fever this time. That's pretty unusual.

Sorry to bore anyone who's reading this with a constant run-down of my symptoms... but hey, I'm not here for you, am I? ;)

So anyway... bleh. I've got a date tomorrow with BJ to go shopping and out to lunch, and I wanted so badly to clean the upholstery on the couches...

I know that the fibro flu usually is the herald of a flare, but really? I don't have time for this! I've got a life to live! Come onnnnnn...

I'm sorry I did too much today. I just... I couldn't' help it. There were so many things to do, and it was a beautiful day, and I actually had energy at times, and... maybe I need to go back to the "thing a day" rule. I've gotten away from that, and I keep catching myself overdoing it. But I'm not so bad as to only be able to do one, I swear. Two. Two things a day.

And tomorrow, my two things will be my outing with BJ (and yes, I'll take my walker, so I don't wear myself out completely...) and cleaning the upholstery. I'll clean the couches after my outing, so if I'm super tired, I can nap as needed 'cause I'll be at home.

Yeah. That sounds like a good plan.

Ugh. Nausea and pain and stuff... even mint tea isn't touching this upset tummy. Sucks. I'm going to sleep.

Oh, wait... I need to shower tomorrow, too. It's been the max amount of days... Dang.

Okay, okay... three things a day? lol

Good things have happened, as well as sad things. I'll write about my birthday and house stuff tomorrow, because I'm busy with other stuff right now.

I just wanted to note that I'm being rather strongly encouraged from various sources (who know nothing of one another) to take my writing seriously, and to take my unique perspective on chronic illnesses seriously, and to do something with them that will help the world.

This means a website/blog.

Yeah, well, I feel pretty thoroughly inadequate for such a task as that. I mean, who would want to read my stuff? I'm just a lady who has problems and likes to write about stuff. Is it really worth sharing with the world? Could I really make any difference at all? Is it just delusions of grandeur, just pride and misguided intentions leading me to overstep my bounds?

Yet I am assured by my friends sitting in the living room with me that, even if something has been said a million times before, everyone relates to it in a different way. The way that I state something may be just the thing someone needs to have an "aha!" moment, when they had read the same thing written by someone else and had no response whatsoever. It's true. I know it's true.

I'm just so scared of failure... of putting myself out there and being shot down.

Scared of dreaming big.

Scared of doing something that matters.

Scared of wanting to make a difference and realizing that I can't.

Scared of being weighed and found wanting.

'Cause really? I love to help people. And I love to write. How could I  not want to combine those two loves?

Because when you put all your eggs in one basket, you run the risk of them being crushed.

Ah, well, no use running over and over my fears. I'm scared, it's true.

But I'm also very desirous of pursuing this opportunity... I mean, is it just coincidence that I'm being encouraged from so many sides so strongly, so seemingly suddenly?

My friends have come up with a domain name for me-- Fibro Warrior Princess. It's a nickname they bestowed up on me, and I love it. Then they said I ought to use it as a domain name.

You know what?

I think I'm totally going to go for it.

Watch out, world-- the Princess is on the loose! ^_^

Had my endoscopy today. It went well, though it did screw me up some.

Didn't destroy me (yet) like the colonoscopy, but the longer the day wears on, the worse I feel.

My theory is that, while they have you knocked out, they actually hit you with a bus. Feels plausible. :)

In other (good) news, the ladies of the HJ are throwing me a bridal shower in two weeks!

Also, J sent me a package that contained my birthday/wedding gift, and it arrived today. Know what it was?

*drumroll please*

A camera! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Not only have I missed having a camera very much, but I was feeling the lack as I looked forward to my honeymoon. How was I going to capture our joy and fun and share it with others? Well, now I can!

Also, on a practical note, I needed a camera for the Etsy venture I have planned. Sweet.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I have amazing people in my life that take such, such good care of me, I am sometimes overwhelmed with gratitude. Even on my darkest, pain-filled days, I always know that I am incredibly loved and cared for. (It's on the shaky days when my self-confidence and self-worth are somewhere below the earth's crust that I doubt this, simply because I wonder why people would care about me and what I could possibly contribute to their lives that would cause this?)

Also, my spoon earrings came today! I will take a picture (now that I have a camera, hehe) and proudly show off my spoony ears.

Oh, and one more amazing thing? I made my birthday wishes known, so tomorrow S and one of our friends M are going to deep clean the apartment, because I no longer can. That is... awesome. And M gave me twenty bucks, because he totally didn't know what to get me and knew that I know myself well enough to buy what I want. Too funny! So I think I'm going to buy another pair of comfy yoga pants, a cute dress (both from Goodwill, although there is a really cute lace dress I keep seeing at Walmart...), and maybe another pair of dangly earrings. They're seriously my new addiction. Or maybe a new cd of music for myself... I've been meaning to clean out my car's cd case. Oooh! I can invest in a new tower of burnable cd's! I somehow lost my stack of blank cd's, and I've been super bummed about that. Yeah... yoga pants, a cute dress or top, mb some dangly earrings, and blank cd's. Happy birthday, me!

(It's funny how, when the people around you don't make a big deal about your birthday, it really isn't a big deal anymore. Living with the S's, birthdays were an event, a cause for celebration! Now that I'm on my own, it's less of an event... just kind of like a passing slightly-better-and-more-important-than-normal day... which is okay. That's where I'm at right now. That may change in the future, but it's okay for now. I'm looking forward to making my child's birthday a cause for celebration, though. Anything, really, to break out the good glasses and celebrate! ^_^)

Ah! Almost forgot! We have our house inspection on Friday. I'm holding my breath... (And then we'll go out to lunch for my bday with our friends who are now moving super soon at one of my favorite sushi places. You know I'm gonna get all dolled up! I love an excuse to dress up. Maybe I'll wear my new cute dress?)

Yesterday I made a joke in a fb status about camping out on the couch with pillows, oatmeal, and a movie because of fibro, how it was "the life!", and how I should have flares more often.

That was a bad move, because apparently Life was listening and was only to happy to oblige. ;)

This morning I woke up bright and early to get some blood drawn for tests and then get my abdominal ultrasound done. I had been fasting since midnight last night, which wasn't a big deal since I wasn't hungry when I woke up anyway. (Finally, appetite fluctuations are on my side!)

Since I was fasting, I didn't take any of my meds, either, since I figured that I wasn't supposed to have anything in my system (except for the half glass of juice I drank to keep my blood sugar from totally tanking). That means that I was completely pain med free when I laid down on the table and had the warm goop smeared all over my belly. The ultrasound itself wasn't bad, but I quickly discovered trigger points I didn't know I had as the ultrasound wand dug into my skin and passed over the same tender points again and again. I didn't bother saying anything, as I knew there was nothing anyone could do about the fact that this innocuous procedure was, in fact, causing me pain. It's just my body, overreacting as usual. :)

The doctor ordered ultrasounds of my gallbladder, spleen, liver, kidneys, and two major arteries of my heart, so it took about half an hour to get all those pictures. I was already feeling pain about five minutes in, but it wasn't much more than a general ache by the time I left. After yoga class, however, I noticed that the pain was intensifying quickly, and I made my way home as fast as I could. Despite my efforts, I was in a pretty desperate state when I got home, wanting nothing more than for the painkiller I'd taken to kick in and to be able to lay down with my heating pad. My entire torso, especially my ribcage, ached and throbbed, and it hurt to breathe. My shoulders had already been hurting, but now they were starting to really throb. Fortunately, my knees and hips didn't feel like getting into the action much more than a few mild protests, but that was inconsequential in the face of the howls and groans coming from my upper body.

So although I had already been planning to spend the evening resting, now it's an enforced bed rest. I haven't done much more than go to the bathroom, scrounge up some food, and shift my pillows around... but not too much, because it hurts to lift a pillow.

I am pleased, though, that I was very aware of my limits during yoga, and I did not push myself over the edge. Well... I thought I hadn't pushed myself over the edge. Hehe. Guess you never really know, huh? Okay, I didn't push myself over the edge in regards to energy levels, how's that? The pain was a blindsiding surprise, but I took it into account and didn't force myself beyond what my body was telling me it could handle. Go me!

I ran across this little podcast/radio show thing on one of the fibro pages that I follow, and I listened to the whole thing. It's got a lot of good info in there, but what impressed me the most was how awesome I and others are for living in and with chronic pain. I mean, we literally have to think about every single detail of our lives and how it will affect us. Maybe I have to even more than others, because I have to plan ahead when it comes to food, not just activities, accessibility, and pain/energy levels. Anyway, we're pretty badass. I really like that the lady who hosts it is a sufferer of severe fibromyalgia, so she's speaking directly from experience. She knows.

I really liked something the host said toward the end. It was in the context of motherhood, as she's a single mom of a five year old (yikes! That must be so hard!), and she realized that she couldn't be active with him and play with him and stuff. Instead of focusing on what she couldn't do, she focused on what she could do, and she and her son have a very special, unique relationship. I really liked that point. Yes, I've lost a lot in my life lately. There are so many things that I can no longer do, and I'm sad. Really sad. I miss hiking and backpacking and cleaning my house. I miss spur-of-the-moment activities and afternoon shopping trips. I miss being able to massage people.

However, I still have so much to offer the world! Instead of focusing on what I can't do anymore, I want to make the effort to focus on what I can do and develop those gifts and talents.

Anyway, here's the episode of The Flare where she talks about tips and tricks to make life with fibromyalgia easier. I shared it with Mom, because she's one of my biggest fans, and I know that she wants to understand and to make my life easier. I saw that in a big way when I was home for Christmas. I figure if we both have the information, then we can both take it and improve on it... and then she knows better how to relate to me, what kind of gifts to get me in the future, etc. I think that sharing a glimpse into the life of a fibromite will help someone without it figure out how to relate to the person with the illness. 'Cause really, when someone's all sick, you feel awkward and don't know what to do, right? I know I do. If I were friends with myself, I wouldn't even want to touch me for fear of hurting me! (Eh, does that last sentence make any sense? My brain is kinda discombobulated right now...) So if I can shed a little light and understanding into that, then my job here is done. (Maybe.)

Oh, good news! After cuddling with my heating pad for a few hours, it doesn't hurt as much to breathe :) My guts sure are getting in on the action, though! I tell ya, if it's not one thing, it's another! Ah, well. --insert something optimistic and philosophical here--

I'm going to go mindlessly surf for decorations for my new house on the interwebs. Peace.

I had a horrifying thought after my last post.

What if I'm having a flare on my wedding day?

I suppose that will teach me about relinquishing control! I'd have to leave the decorating most entirely to others so I could rest that morning, in order to make it through the ceremony and reception.

Well, you know what? There's no use worrying about it. I'll just do my best to avoid that possibility, and cross that bridge if I have to.

No use counting your chickens of death before they hatch, right? ;)

I overdid it yesterday.

See, that's the thing about life... you live and learn! :)

I did very, very well about not overdoing it the other day, and I was trying not to yesterday, but I over/underestimated a few factors that threw everything off... such as how much being in the sun will take out of you. It's one thing to walk around for an hour and a half indoors, but it's another thing entirely to walk around for the same amount of time under the unblinking gaze of the sun. I'll admit that I forgot sunscreen and got toasted-- I'm hoping to rectify those burn lines before I wear my strapless wedding dress!! lol

So I came home thoroughly exhausted yesterday, and totally cranky... and as the day went on, I felt worse and worse. It wasn't too bad until I cleaned out my colon. I felt like I really needed it, but I think it was too much of a stressor to my body, because I pretty much lost it after that. I felt horrible. Fibro fever, ho! Achy, feverish (but no raised temp, as usual), nausea, soooo tired, cranky... it was terrible!

I realized that it had been about 11 hours since I'd last taken a pain pill, and I was feeling so badly that C encouraged me to take one so I could fall asleep.

Honestly, I was feeling so flkjakjbroiejlkshoijt that I wasn't even interested in sex. I know, I know, crazy, right?! It was that bad. C came to bed early with me, because he was tired from the busy day as well. I had gone to bed a little before him, and was already dozed off when he joined me, but after we were all cuddled up he began making definite advances. I was *this* close to turning him down, but then I thought about it and realized that spending a little "special time" (as J calls it-- so cute!) would probably be beneficial to my situation and make me feel better. Sure enough, I felt SO much better when all was said and done! I mean, think about it-- it produces neurochemicals that are natural mood lifters and pain killers; it promotes movement, deep breathing, and elevates your heart rate, all of the things that are present in exercise (it is very, very important while you're in a flare to get at least a little exercise, even if you don't feel like it); in our case, it also promotes stretching and muscle strengthening. So I knew that it would be beneficial for me, and it's pretty easy for me to "get in the mood", so I just went with it, if only for the seratonin, endorphins, and oxytocin.

I was a little saddened to find that, for the first time, I experienced some pain during our special time that was clearly fibro pain. It wasn't enough to deter me, but I have read accounts from many, many people that fibromyalgia destroyed their sex life. I will not let that happen to me! Even if my libido decreases (which it has, lately), I know that I will be fine once we get started. Others have stated that the pain is too great for them to engage in sexual activity, and after last night I can begin to understand that. However, I recently purchased a book about sex and disability, and though I haven't read it yet, the back of the book assures me that it contains ideas for positions that "minimize pain and maximize pleasure". I figured it'd be useful as I'm trying to wrap my mind around my "new life", in all aspects.

I'm still preparing for our honeymoon, though. I haven't practiced my striptease at all, because I haven't had the energy, but I have practiced some of it while wearing other clothes. It was while dancing to my chosen song that I realized I don't need a fully choreographed dance, just a few basic moves that I can throw in there. I can dance well enough that I can do it on the spur of the moment, and it will be fine. Besides... I'm sure C won't be analyzing my dance routine for flaws!

I also picked up my honeymoon bikini the other day. The lighting in the stores is terrible! It highlighted every. single. flaw. and I felt really, really gross. I figured that C would probably start running the other direction! (Then I remembered that he sees me unclothed on a regular basis and isn't horrified, so the mirror must be lying... hehe.) I figured it would look better once I tried it on at home, in normal light, and I was right.

See? Totally not horrifying. Not bad, actually. It helps that the fibro has messed with my appetite, so I've lost weight, plus yoga is helping me to tone up and slim down. It's my legs that I'm SO self-conscious of! I have cellulite dips and bumps, and jiggly thighs. But you know what? C doesn't mind, so neither do I! I accept him with his flaws, though I don't really see them... I think he is very, very good looking, and I tell him that on a regular basis.

Oh, suuuuuper cute... Just have to share a couple of adorable things C has done lately :)

When he climbed into bed the other night, I woke up and snuggled up to him. I was chilly, and he was very warm, so I said, "Mmmmmm, you're warm..." He cuddled closer to me and said, "Mmmmmm, you're temperate...." LOL!

Then, yesterday as we were running errands, I saw a billboard for one of the "gentleman's clubs" (i.e. strip club) here in town, and I asked C if he'd ever let me be a stripper. He gave an emphatic, "NO!" (though I AM allowed to be a waitress, should I so choose, which I won't), and I asked why not. He said, "I'm crazy jealous! I'd show up every night and make sure that you didn't make any money at all, 'cause I wouldn't let the other guys get close to you or look at you. I'd be up there in front, just throwing your allowance at you, one dollar at a time." I thought that was hilarious, the mental image of him giving me my allowance one dollar at a time to keep the other guys away.

Oh, and the best one? Last night, when he joined me in bed and was all cuddled up to me, I said something about how I felt terrible. He pulled me close and said, "You don't look that way." Awwww! Brownie points ;) I gave him a reward kiss lol.

So, life is good, despite the pain and whatnot. I feel optimistic today, which is nice. I know, feelings come and go, but I'm going to enjoy the good feelings while they're here.

It's funny... how certain struggles take the spotlight in your life at certain times, you know? At one point, my major struggle was working through the issues I picked up from being abused. I still struggle with them, but in different ways, I think. Now, instead of focusing on the issues specifically, I end up addressing them in a more holistic way, whole-system, because my health is so affected by what's going on with my emotions. Of course, going to group still helps me hone in on certain issues that need my attention. But right now, my fight is mostly fibro and other health issues, and that's what I'm focused on. Any emotional pain caused by my past is dwarfed by the physical pain caused by my present, so that's what is my main battle and my main focus right now.

So, back to Blue Planet and wedding stuffs! I'm cutting out those little pixelated hearts, but holding scissors hurts my hands, so I can only do a couple at a time.

Ohhhhh! I'm watching baby sea turtles be born!... and eaten. Mer.

Run, little sea turtle! Run!!